recent story (Julie)

[Excalibur_1949]

I would be interested in any feedback on the story I recently submitted called "Julie" as sumissives first encounter with her "online" Dom

thanks all

I should be posting more stories soon

Excalibur

 

[Guest]

Excalibur_1949, and other new authors, you will all get a wider audience by posting the link to your story to make it easy for other readers.

Simply go to your story, copy the link that's in your browser address window, and paste it with your post here.



So, here's Excalibur_1949 story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113977

 

[PoisonBeauty]

Well, Excalibur, I read your story and as my very first post in these forums I've decided to give you a review. I hope you are able to handle constructive criticism, because I don't want to discourage you from writing.

I don't want to hurt your feelings but about the only positive thing I can say about your story is that your grammar and spelling are quite decent. Unfortunately good grammar can only take you so far.

Put simply, your story was dull. Like many fledgling writers you are telling rather than showing. Julie never becomes real and remains a cardboard cutout through the entire story. You tell us that she is a submissive and tell us about the things she did and what she wants but you never allow the reader to get close to your character. There is no immediacy, passion, or eroticism. You may as well be telling us about a woman named Julie who went shopping at her local grocery store.

The basic premise about a woman discovering her submissive nature is a great idea. But you need to give this a lot more thought and expand on it. Also, you are flipping between a first person point of view and a third. I suggest for this type of story using a third person pov because it is easier to let us get into julie's head. Because you are not an active participant in the story a first person pov keeps us from getting close enough to Julie to really care about her. We don't want to hear about Julie through you, we want to get to know Julie ourselves.

If you took your time with this you could have this be a multi chaptered story of self-discovery. Every one of your little anecdotes of what Julie does and wants could be turned into scenes of their own. Show us a scene where Julie is unsatisfied with her life, show her thoughts to us. Describe how she looks, how she speaks, how she dresses, her apartment, etc.

How about making her experience as Joan of Arc a chapter in itself. Describe how she felt tied to that stake, what she was thinking, how turned on she got and what about it that turned her on. Don't hold back and don't be afraid to give details. You can always edit things out later if it's overdone. But it's better to have too much than too little.

Go ahead and make another scene for her second acting role, one for her first experience being tied up, etc. etc. And give her lovers names, describe them, let us see them though Julie's eyes so we can know why she is attracted to them.

Or if you don't have an interest in writing these things skip them altogether and begin the story with Julie meeting her Master for the first time.

The tension picks up a bit when she meets her master, which is good, but there is a good chance you've already lost your reader by this point because the beginning was so slow. But even though the ending is better there is still not enough detail. You tell what they are doing but there is no real description of anything. There's no erotic tension here. Describe her reactions, how she feels, how her master smells, what his voice sounds like, the sound of his pant legs rubbing together as he walks around, what the gag tastes like, etc. The more intimate the detail the more erotic the story.

Please try again. Don't give up, okay? You do have promise, you just need practice.

Poison

 

[dr_mabeuse]

PoisonBeauty's given you some good advice, although I'm not as uncomfortable with the lack of detail in recounting her history as she is. I think it's okay to gloss over her previous experiences, since I think you intended this to be a story about her first encounter with a 'Master' rather than her life story.

I liked the business about her being tied up before she knew about BDSM, since I've heard that story from several women who are now into BDSM: that they always just enjoyed being tied up, even as kids.

Still, you do seem more somfortable with telling rather than showing, and the erotic payoff when she finally meets up with this guy is a little flat. It needs more concrete detail, the kinds of things that make us see and feel what's happening to her. From my experience, it's always a bad idea to just come out and tell us what a character is feeling or thinking. It's much better when you can find some way of showing those things through the action in the story, by describing how she struggles in the chair, etc. That would make the final scene much more vivid and therefore erotic.

The way it ends seems like there's more to come. If so, I hope you'll try and incorporate more concrete sensual detail into the piece.

---dr.M.