Sex after Rape

[Monazwx]

Hi guys,

I've been quite busy as of late, but Native Alien, I hope to finish the story by next week tops.
It will probably have two parts, which is why it's taking so long.

Oh Lost, I'm so sorry to hear about your ordeal. Glad to see you're working through it though. If you've only had one partner, how do you know if you're naturally submissive or not? If you don't want to try a one-night stand and are looking for commitment, be upfront with the new person. Don't be ashamed about what happened to you, it's over and you got out of the situation. Make sure that you're attracted to them for the right reasons, (not just to hook up). Hopefully, this person will see that you trust and respect them enough to share and will treat you accordingly. Don't give up! Everyone deserves to be loved.

Hey Scotty, you're a pretty understanding guy. Wish there were more like you. Xtasy, I found some MDMA stuff; really interesting, but I hope this drug won't be abused as healing should begin and end in the mind. Thanks for the info.

Mutilato, I like sappy stuff. Mystic Mayhem, you are so wise.
Ms. Terious, I understand your not classifying the rape as your "first time" . It's so cool that your second time was better.

Blackbich, whoa, pretty heavy stuff. Hope, your luck in love (and sex) turns around. Don't give up on the penis (or the species attached to it) Stoic Perrin hit the nail right on the head, so I won't repeat what was said.

Anyway, hopefully, my next post will have a link to the story. I combined a historical romance I was working on with this, so there won't be any 'therapy' as we moderners know it. I'll be interesting though, well it'll be long.

 

[Blackbich]

The guy actually had the nerve to throw you down and say "You know, I can rape you anytime I want." ?? I am actually here at home not knowing you and I am furious that some man was THAT UNCARING and insensitive.
I am sorry that someone was that stupid.
We are not all that way, and I hope you find the man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

AWWW...thank you, Stoic.

You made me smile. I thank God knowing that all men are not like Tom and hope that, one day, I'll find one of the good ones.

Mona, I'm looking forward to reading that story.

 

[sheath]

Wow. I just read through this whole thread and what memories it brought back...some bad. But mostly good. I was one of those very fortunate women who had a very loving partner when I began to come to terms with rape.

I was raped by a close friend after a party. I was drugged, so I didn't fight that much. My memories were-and still are-so fuzzy. He wasn't the one that drugged me, but he was the one that took advantage of that "state" to go at me. I felt ashamed and guilty, believing I hadn't fought hard enough...I found it hard to function, to get up in the morning, to trust anyone. A man would pass by me in the supermarket and I would burst into tears. The nightmares were my own personal journey into hell. I hated my body because the man who had raped me was the last one who had touched me. I couldn't stand that...

Enter my own personal miracle:

I had the incredible fortune of having a man in my life who wanted to take care of me and, in the best way he knew how, "Undo" what had been taken from me that night. He was slow with me, asking what he could and couldn't do. When I asked him to stop it was IMMEDIATE. There was no hesitation whatsoever...his touch immediately stopped. In this way he taught me that I COULD still control something in my life...and this was during a time when nothing at all seemed controllable anymore.

He encouraged me to talk about the man who had done it to me...not only to talk about the experience, but also, to mourn the loss of a friend. I felt so conflicted then, grieving for a lost friendship when rape was the reason for that friendship ending. But I slowly came to terms with it, with lots of crying and lots of understanding on his part. I know he was SO angry with that man...he still is. But he made a conscious effort to focus on me and my pain instead of the anger and need for retribution that he was feeling. He gave ME his full attention when it seemed everyone else was focusing on the ACT of what had happened to me. I started to feel like a person again, not just a body that had been violated.

I'm still with that man, by the way. This didn't happen all that long ago...and I still deal with the nightmares and the sudden memories that can be triggered with a certain touch or word. But always, he is alert for that, and sometimes now HE stops before it even registers with me what I'm feeling. He has learned my cues and responses that well. So...

I guess I write all THAT to say this. I don't know who you are...but when you slept with your friend/ex because she thought it would help her get over it, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Kudos, my friend, here's a toast to you. You will always be that person who took a little of the hurt, a little of the anger, away. And for a woman who has just been raped, ANY man who can give her back even an ounce of control is to be saluted.

As we say down south, ya done good, son.

S.

 

[Bandit58]

Personal miracles

sheath - it sounds like you and I have been so lucky to have found good men to be with. I went down to see my lover 10 days ago, he was conscious of the fact that I had been having flashbacks of that long ago rape, and he was so loving and caring with me that it hasn't come back to haunt me since. He put it as "loving the bad memories away" and that's so true

I'm happy to report that I did have a couple of orgasms during those five days too Things can only get better

 

[sheath]

AMEN!

"Loving the bad memories away"...your lover said it perfectly.

 

[lovechild27]

Sheath is a lucky girl! I had no support after my rape from my friends. On top of that, the boy who did rape me told everyone horrible things about me, and that he turned me into a slut.

Everyone deals with rape differently...and it is really sad how many of us has been through it.

 

[Khukuri]

I realize this thread hasn't had a reply in quite some time and it may not be read very often anymore, but I do feel I may have something to contribute. Also, since I know this thread is somewhat inactive at the moment, I do feel it is relatively safe to put into words something that is very, very difficult to discuss.

Rape is a tragedy, much like a sudden death of a child, finding out a sibling is in a coma, etc. Like any great tragedy there is a sense of nomalcy that precedes it.

For me that sense of nomalcy lasted approximately 3-4 years. My earliest memories are the last memories I have of a normal life. Sadly my mind is not quite so forgiving as others in that my memories are not faded and barely remembered. Rather they are clear, vivid and terribly full of emotion.

The "offender" if you will was a family friend. A person whom I feared and trusted due to a mixed sense of partial understanding, instinct, and naivity. There weren't any girls for me to play with, only boys from my age to adolescence. This family friend would act like the other boys and sometimes he'd want to play other "games." Eventually I did not want to play these games any more, but he did. Our considerable size difference saw to it that I continued playing these games for the next four years. Initially fear kept me from talking to anyone about it, then later on it was shame. I endured my childhood in that this family friend had three other brothers who were older than him. They played normal games and I knew that when I was with them I was safe.

These experiences festered and distorted my view and understanding of the world as I grew up. Instead of hating males I was rather fond of them. My experiences had shown me that males could be ruthless as well as kind-hearted. The hatred, guilt, frustration and disgust I felt was directed more towards the female gender. I attribute this to the fact that I didn't have any close female friends until I was nearly 10. The logic that I was female and I had been unable to keep this from happening meant the female gender was inferior did not truly escape me until recent years.

Having a premature understanding of sex made me into more or less an encyclopedia for other students. I was the girl who knew alot about sex but seemingly never had sex. Nearly all my friends were male and I adopted a few of their traits and mannerisms. This led to rumors of an homosexual orientation and on occasion I was mistaken for being male, even by other males.

It wasn't until my senior year that I took my interest in males more seriously. I started to dress appropriately for my gender and even wore a few dresses. My friends and other guys took note and started to show an interest in me. This was initially terrifying and very confusing. Sex was difficult, unsatisfactory, and embarrassing. I knew more than the guys and this made them feel intimidated and ruined a few friendships.

When I was 19, a female friend of mine introduced me to her brother. We hit it off and became good friends. He accepted me in spite of my mock-assertivness. Sex played a minor role in our relationship, which alleviated much tension. He was always sure to place less emphasis on the importance of sex and the option to stop was always available. His willingness to be somewhat submissive (though he prefers to be aggressive) helped to build my confidence. I did not feel comfortable with being in charge, but felt that I had to be. As time went on I felt more confident and safe to take on the role that satisfied me. Slowly I started to experiment with taking on a more submissive role during sex. I trusted him to not use sex as some form of control or force himself upon me. With his help I learned to accept the fact that I do enjoy being submissive and somewhat forced (though I was reassured that the situation wasn't really out of my control). Him and I are still married and I am thankful for him everyday.

I've learned to accept the facts as they are. Different people with diffferent experiences may label the facts as good or bad, but the facts still remain. Each person has to choose for themselves what they may learn from the facts and how that should affect their lives. I decided that I was a little girl at one time who endured a great tragedy; that this little girl grew up to be a woman and that this woman can choose to accept the tragedy, learn from it, and move on.

 

[bakedbeams]

I was anally raped by my fiance who put a gun to my head.

That rape was over 20 years ago. I have been married (now divorced).. never told my husband and its only been in the last 2 years that I've actually been able to tell anyone.

In all those 20 years there has only been one man I've actually trusted enough to even touch my anus. Why him??? Because he was honest and made a promise to me.

Maybe one day .. I'll meet a man who I will trust again, who will be willing to take the time to work through this and help me rediscover a part of my sexuality that I had actually enjoyed prior to the rape.

 

[Khukuri]

Courage is not doing something without fear, courage is doing something in spite of fear. It takes courage to discuss something as painful and personal as rape, even to complete strangers whom you may never meet in real life. I thank you for your bravery to talk about such things, since it is hearing the stories of others that have helped ease the pain, remove the sense of isolation, and encourage the mind to finally come to terms with what has happened.

I do hope you find a man who will offer you friendship, love, and understanding. I hope you recover what you lost and finally set things right. Lord knows, you and many more deserve it.

 

[bakedbeams]

I know that I'll be speaking for others too, when I say thank you for your lovely words.

 

[Mangala]

It started when we moved to Paris, where I presently live. My husband his Boss wanted my husband to move to be close to the main office but now I know the truth why.

Perhaps you can answer a question because I must confess I don't understand why some men are like that.* Its very surprising what has happened to me, when I came to New York two years ago I was very inexperienced. In India I went to a Catholic school, high families in India sent their children to such schools and I thought I knew the difference between right and wrong.

Before I met my husband I had only slept with one guy, no one had ever touched me or I had ever pleased someone orally.* I met him on the plane to New York and thought he was nice. I think already on the flight I had been drinking too much wine, celebrating my freedom. But the wine made me happy and wine always makes me easy and he forced me, he was the first who raped me.

So when we came to New York I did not know where to stay. I left India with only my jewelry and had very little money and ended up in his hotel room for three days. When we went for dinner, we drank lots of Champagne to celebrate my freedom and he had told me he would be a gentlemen and I thought I could trust him. But when I went to sleep he started to touch me and you must believe me I tried to resist, but I could not. He said I was asking for it, that it was in my eyes.

But when I met my husband his boss it has changed my life forever and* still don't understand it why he did this, why I accepted it after the first time he came for dinner and forced me and I must confess I feel very guilty. The next day when my husband was away he came back and i did what he wanted

I must confess I don't understand why they corrupted me, I was a beautiful flower, elegant and sweet. But I suppose some men are like that, when I close my eyes I feel their hands. I believe now that Boss and my husband planned everything together, long before I married they knew how they were going to use me, corrupt me and exploiting my body. I remember one day my husband asked me if I ever did pole dancing, because I am such a terrific dancer and I had no idea what he meant.

Then one night he took me to a nightclub and was appalled, I saw all those men looking at me. It was also the first time I ever saw whores and I had been drinking too much wine so we stayed. There was Asian girl who asked me to dance, and my husband suggested that I dance on stage but I refused, but later he made me dance with her and I did. I felt all those eyes watching me.

Sometimes when I sit in a restaurant or a bar and I see how men look at me, how they undress me with their eyes. I start to think about what they want to do with me. I must confess I don't understand why some men are like that, but when I close my eyes I feel their hands. I have tried to resist his touch, but my body craves this and he knows he can do everything with me what he wants.

I don't know and understand the power Boss has over me or over different women. Is it because he is very rich or is it the power of his dark eyes. I have seen him with different women who all visit him when he wants, some are very famous models but all of them are beautiful.

One is very famous and very sophisticated, no one would expect it, but I have seen a well known anchor participating at parties and cant understand why she lets herself be treated like a common whore, but she does. I always wonder if her husband knows what she does when she comes to Paris.

Until I came to the West I never masturbated, now I often do in the morning, I don't want to and cannot help it, sometimes I wake up from a bad dream. Often I undress and watch myself in the mirror and start to touch myself. I spread my long sexy legs wide, just like Boss wants. I only wear my black stockings and garters and want someone between my legs. Does that mean Boss is right.

I don' t know why this happens, I feel so guilty, its so wrong, so terrible bad, sometimes I think I should be punished* for my sins by very common men, back men, because I am a tease and asked for it what they did to me, because I am bad. Sometime I think I should serve a women and do as she pleases.

Love, kisses, Mangala

There have been many threads about the ordeal that is rape, but I can't seem to find anything about sex/relationships after rape. Did you tell the new guy/girl about the assault? How did you feel throughout/afterwards? I've never been raped and people I know who have don't want to talk about it, since they feel that it's too intimate. BTW, this is for a story that I'm writing, so any response would be appreciated.

(I don't know if this has been asked before, if so I apologize in advance.)

 

[breezyblue]

Difficult is the best way to put it. I was raped by my father when i was around 10 and wasn't able to tell anyone about it. My first and only relationship has been both helpful and hurtful for me overcoming my issues surrounding sex. He is a wonderful guy and i love him very much but sometimes i feel a great separation that i fear will never be crossed by either of us. I was able to talk to him about it but I find that i can't relate on a sexual level to anything - i have memories of being turned on when i was younger before it happened but i haven't felt even an inkling of sexual arousal since then without much effort - and when it is so hard it is no fun. The best way to describe the feeling is that i feel broken - like i need to be returned to the factory and be replaced (for lack of a better description). At first i was able to keep a positive outlook on it and was glad for the little improvements i have made - i am now able to create fantasies myself while i am alone which is a major step forward for instance. but more and more often now i feel misunderstood by my partner who doesn't seem to understand why i can't tolerate pain in any way during sex and get scared when he grabs my legs. I also feel badly for refusing to have anal sex often as it hurts and scares me. So overall things are very hard for me right now as far as relationships go - i just feel so lonely sometimes. Anyways ,i am not sure if this will help your story at all but i hope it does at least a little bit and i sort of needed to vent anyway. I don't always feel so upset about it but tonight is hard for some reason....

 

[insert____here]

having alot of these women share is amazing. it is an intensely personal and emotional experience and every one reacts differently. my heart breaks for some of them who are still rying to deal with it. i hope one day they find what they need to work past it.

i was raped when i was in my first year of high school. i turned into an emotional basket case until my parents let me change schools. i was ok until i met my first boyfriend just before my 18th birthday and didn't want to touch him at all. i tried alot of therapy, counseling and what have you. but all they did was tell me it wasn't my fault. i already knew that but couldn't dissassociate sex from the terrible horrible emotions it caused. so i took the rather extreme step of joining the sex industry. it wasn't because i wanted to be used, or treated badly or anything like that at all. it just wanted to learn how to disconnect the bad feelings from the sex. and you learn to shut off pretty quick in the industry. i was in it for about four months until i achieved what i wanted from it. then of course i was left with the issue of associating good feelings with sex. i became a very tightly controlled person and as a result could never orgasm from sex. i tried a variety of things including pain. but i fought a long time against the idea that i needed domination for very obvious reasons. i never pursued it and was even vaugely horrified by the idea. a good friend of mine is involved as a dom and has been for years. i talked to him and even his sub over a couple of years and it was him who eventually suggested that complete domination might be what i was needing. i thought very long and hard about it before realising he was right. and so here i am. i find immense peace in willing submission and even greater joy knowing that there is someone who wants that much of me and will treasure me for it.

i don't know if this is going to fit with your story. probably not. my response may even draw disgust or amusement from some members. i don't care. i am happy and fullfilled.

 

[CraZSexaYChick]

I was raped by my best friend freshman year of high school. I'm not stranger to sexual abuse by any means (I had a cousin that would always do stuff with me, she was about 3 years older, and I was about 5 when it started so I just thought that's how girls played). My journey back to sex was very interesting. I started using humor as a defense mechanism even more than I had before and everything was raunchy and sexual. If I was dating a guy and he wanted to have sex, I did it. Whether I wanted to or not. "Well, If I do it with him then there's no chance of him forcing himself to do it with me" was the way I explained it to myself. This went on until about two years ago. Now I'm with the love of my life who I'm going to marry and I have no problems telling him no and i know he respects me and listens to me.

It's been more of a psychological thing than anything else for me. I can't watch a movie, where a woman and a man are in the same room during a tense scene because the word 'rape' just flashes in my head over and over and over until the scene is over. That's pretty much the last scar I have of it I think. I used to randomaly freak out during sex because something was said or done that reminded me of it and I'd lose control, but that hasn't happened in about four years.