Sex once this year
- Thread starter NextDoorSecret
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jaF0
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There are alternatives, but it takes opening one's mind. And not in the way mind-benders try to do.
Look up the term 'asexual'.
Aside from that, no rational, right-thinking adult gets so wound up in videogames. Those are one of the silliest things people get involved in.
NextDoorSecret
Wanderer
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He did a doctor's appointment 2 weeks ago and once again did not address the issue. All this time I've been waiting for some type of test results (he had promised he'd discuss it) and when I asked yesterday he told me he didn't really bring it up because he'll try harder.
He hasn't tried yet though, so I'm not sure where things will go.
Counselor I am seeing suggested writing him a letter so that I don't get upset trying to talk to him about it.
I mostly stare at the paper thinking, I've already SAID all of this, but maybe seeing it in black & white will help when I finally get it down in writing. I suppose if nothing else it'll be time to shop for some new toys soon.
He hasn't tried yet though, so I'm not sure where things will go.
Counselor I am seeing suggested writing him a letter so that I don't get upset trying to talk to him about it.
I mostly stare at the paper thinking, I've already SAID all of this, but maybe seeing it in black & white will help when I finally get it down in writing. I suppose if nothing else it'll be time to shop for some new toys soon.
smilingrelaxed
Really Experienced
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Hi, I don't see where writing a letter will make a difference since you explained of all this to him before. Actions (and inaction) speak louder than words. He has the issue, and until he addresses it, you have to decide what to do for yourself. If you want to stay in the relationship, look for outlets for your needs. Toys have their place : ) But, its more fun to share your toys : D
MaryanneB
Frail little widow lady.
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What in the hell is going on?! This is so sad! I can't imagine laying next to a perfectly fine dick and ignoring it.
Ladies, wait until it isn't there anymore and lay there and wonder why you didn't take advantage. I'm sure glad I don't have anything to regret.....
Sorry, guys.....
Ladies, wait until it isn't there anymore and lay there and wonder why you didn't take advantage. I'm sure glad I don't have anything to regret.....
Sorry, guys.....
iamjustme4ever
A love needing soul
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It's so sad indeed for us who are ignored that way. Maybe mine is not "a perfectly fine dick", but is there and ready for action...
suckonsimon
delivering the goods
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NDS, I'm so disappointed, with you, that he was actually with his doctor and did not speak of this. Must be crushing for you that he didn't grasp the opportunity.
I have a hunch that the letter is a good idea. I wonder if part of the letter could be a reminder of the best you have had with him - full description of your own feelings during and after? But whatever the content, so many men switch off to the detail of what their wife is speaking, whereas the written word calls for a more focussed attention.
The best to you.
Simon
I have a hunch that the letter is a good idea. I wonder if part of the letter could be a reminder of the best you have had with him - full description of your own feelings during and after? But whatever the content, so many men switch off to the detail of what their wife is speaking, whereas the written word calls for a more focussed attention.
The best to you.
Simon
subwannabe
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It doesn't hurt to write the letter and see what happens. I've written my wife things. Unlike your situation, my wife usually responds (very) short term to such things but it is more like she realizes that she needs to fulfill her wifely obligations more than because she really wants to. While we do have occasional great sex, sort of like winning the lottery, once again, I feel like it is always me that has to do all the work and after years of this I would just be so happy if even just once in a while she initiated things and came up with an idea or planned an occasion or just plain jumped my bones for no reason. Just something to show me that she actually wants to instead of trying to appease me for another month. I like having an active participant because if I just wanted to take sexual advantage of a body I could buy a blow up doll.
As far as the doctor goes, there is a really good chance that he just chickened out. I mean us men have our egos to deal with. Not only is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about sex (or lack of ) with our wives but then basically admitting that there might be something wrong with us might just be over the top for him. I've tried to talk my wife into going to her OBGYN because I truly believe that most of her problem is related to her IUD, which is messing up her hormones, but she seems totally uninterested in investigating this angle as this has become ingrained in her as a way of life. This has been going on for 10 years now and she's just willing to wait another few years until menopause when they can take it out. In the meantime I am usually left hanging out to dry.
As far as the doctor goes, there is a really good chance that he just chickened out. I mean us men have our egos to deal with. Not only is it uncomfortable to talk to someone about sex (or lack of ) with our wives but then basically admitting that there might be something wrong with us might just be over the top for him. I've tried to talk my wife into going to her OBGYN because I truly believe that most of her problem is related to her IUD, which is messing up her hormones, but she seems totally uninterested in investigating this angle as this has become ingrained in her as a way of life. This has been going on for 10 years now and she's just willing to wait another few years until menopause when they can take it out. In the meantime I am usually left hanging out to dry.
BiTodd
smitten
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I wound up cheating to get my needs met, then got a divorce and am now happy. But it was a long hard road getting this far.
If someone has decided to stick it out then do it. If a person has decided to find love elswhere then do that. I don't believe people should remain unhappy. If a partner won't respect the others wishes then what type of partnership is it?
If someone has decided to stick it out then do it. If a person has decided to find love elswhere then do that. I don't believe people should remain unhappy. If a partner won't respect the others wishes then what type of partnership is it?
Dear Nextdoorsecret,
I am truly sad for your situation. I do, in a way know how you feel. I cant offer advice, only tell you of my story. I will try to make it quick.
Been married for 20+ years to a wonderful woman. She started drinking alcohol more and more. I fought to keep her and it is so far the hardest most stressful thing I have ever done. She had an online affair. She had plans to leave me. These things caused me great pain. Not when she was sober but when she drank. For the duration of our marriage sex was always a bit vanilla even though I tried to spice it up.
She has been sober over 1.5 years. She has been in counseling ever since. She had to do it but nothing happened until I discovered the root cause and was able to help her.
She was abused as a child. She grew up in a severely dysfunctional family. Her coping mechanism was to run away. Alcohol was a way to run away but there are many ways to run and video games are one of them.
A co-worker, who could see my pain and had worked with both of us pulled me aside and basically enlightened me. He told me that she displayed the signs of being and Adult Children of an Alcoholic. I googled it. I read a book. Its hard to describe but suddenly all the things that I found odd, stories from childhood (there were not many), little quirks and such suddenly made sense.
I now work hard to help her and I am thankful for my co-worker who helped. I now have tools to use, I understand why she behaves as she does. My understanding has been a blessing. Yes I am still a broken plate (if you throw a plate on the floor, then say you are sorry the plate is still broken) but I believe I will mend.
So with that being said, look not at the problem but at the reason there is a problem.
I am truly sad for your situation. I do, in a way know how you feel. I cant offer advice, only tell you of my story. I will try to make it quick.
Been married for 20+ years to a wonderful woman. She started drinking alcohol more and more. I fought to keep her and it is so far the hardest most stressful thing I have ever done. She had an online affair. She had plans to leave me. These things caused me great pain. Not when she was sober but when she drank. For the duration of our marriage sex was always a bit vanilla even though I tried to spice it up.
She has been sober over 1.5 years. She has been in counseling ever since. She had to do it but nothing happened until I discovered the root cause and was able to help her.
She was abused as a child. She grew up in a severely dysfunctional family. Her coping mechanism was to run away. Alcohol was a way to run away but there are many ways to run and video games are one of them.
A co-worker, who could see my pain and had worked with both of us pulled me aside and basically enlightened me. He told me that she displayed the signs of being and Adult Children of an Alcoholic. I googled it. I read a book. Its hard to describe but suddenly all the things that I found odd, stories from childhood (there were not many), little quirks and such suddenly made sense.
I now work hard to help her and I am thankful for my co-worker who helped. I now have tools to use, I understand why she behaves as she does. My understanding has been a blessing. Yes I am still a broken plate (if you throw a plate on the floor, then say you are sorry the plate is still broken) but I believe I will mend.
So with that being said, look not at the problem but at the reason there is a problem.
I've been there and still am
I am a male with the same situation. I hear you honey
Thanks. I think I needed to hear that. It is harsh but you aren't wrong. I have tried any number of things. He doesn't cuddle, he doesn't snuggle or hold my hand.
He doesn't really try and when I push the issue at all, it gets turned around on me and makes me feel bad.
He doesn't see a problem.
Yes. We've been married over 20 years. We have 2 children who are far past the walking in on us stage or keeping us up til all hours.
It is neglectful and I don't know how to fix it.
I'd rather have found out he was cheating... I'd know how to respond to that.
Last year I was sure it had to be me, no matter what he said. And so I lost weight, I worked out, I changed my hair, I looked better than I did the day we got married.
Still nothing.
I'm tired. I'm disillusioned. I'm frustrated.
At least now I know I am not the only one living this way, though that makes me sad for the others that are as well.
I am a male with the same situation. I hear you honey
StrangeView
Dreamweaver
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I knew I wasn't the only one, but even I'm starting to feel a little shocked by the numbers. And a big hi to you all.
NDS, so sorry to hear he he wouldn't open up to the doc, that first step is really hard, but nobody can take it for him. Could I hazard a guess that his doc's a guy? If so, maybe he couldn't get past the 'big guys don't cry' thing that's trashed so many men's lives over the years. I've been lucky in that I had women docs when I needed to learn how to let go, and felt like they were going to support rather than judge.
And write that letter. Put it down on paper. I know you've told it all to him before, but a conversation is 'of that moment', it can be steered, turned into an argument, manipulated, and twisted around, until the meaning is lost. It can even be ignored, or put on hold, until it's so far into the past that there's no going back to it. A letter is current; it exists now. No matter how he chooses to react to it, you can pick it up and go back to it, re-read it, start it again. It doesn't change, or get distorted, it's still there. Once he's cooled off, had a think about it, or whatever, the words won't have changed, or been lost. It's worth a shot.
Best wishes to you all, hope it all somehow works out in the end for everyone
NDS, so sorry to hear he he wouldn't open up to the doc, that first step is really hard, but nobody can take it for him. Could I hazard a guess that his doc's a guy? If so, maybe he couldn't get past the 'big guys don't cry' thing that's trashed so many men's lives over the years. I've been lucky in that I had women docs when I needed to learn how to let go, and felt like they were going to support rather than judge.
And write that letter. Put it down on paper. I know you've told it all to him before, but a conversation is 'of that moment', it can be steered, turned into an argument, manipulated, and twisted around, until the meaning is lost. It can even be ignored, or put on hold, until it's so far into the past that there's no going back to it. A letter is current; it exists now. No matter how he chooses to react to it, you can pick it up and go back to it, re-read it, start it again. It doesn't change, or get distorted, it's still there. Once he's cooled off, had a think about it, or whatever, the words won't have changed, or been lost. It's worth a shot.
Best wishes to you all, hope it all somehow works out in the end for everyone
iamjustme4ever
A love needing soul
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I feel your pain my friend, I'm in the same situation.
I'm sending you a big hug to your soul.
subwannabe
Literotica Guru
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Been there done that, as far as getting your hopes up. I've got a really bad batting average of things coming through when I had my hopes up such as anniversaries, birthdays, etc. The extent of my sex life now is just asking my wife, "do you have enough energy to play around tonight?". Real romantic, but that's basically what my life has degenerated too. At least I get it 50 percent of the time when I ask in this way. I've been disappointed way to many times trying it all the other ways. I probably don't even get it 10% of those times, probably a lot closer to zero.
ReadingExcitesMe
Really Really Experienced
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I'm late to this party but I belong here as well.
Big hugs for all of unhappily married folks!
Big hugs for all of unhappily married folks!
VelvetCascade
Virgin
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I posted a few weeks ago and have just quickly caught up with more recent posts.
Maybe I'm just being harsh, but I reiterate: your husband's behavior sounds more like anger and intentional cruelty than simple passivity. A lot of faults can be forgiven if someone is trying. It seems to me that you have made it obvious to him that sex and intimacy is important to you and that you are hurting, and it sounds like he is simply unwilling to give you any aid whatsoever.
Perhaps you have already done this but if you want to stay in your marriage, the real question is not why he isn't interested in sex but why is he being so cruel to you that he won't even try to help his suffering spouse. I said this before but if you had appendicitis and he would not take you to the doctor, everyone would say that he is being INTENTIONALLY hurtful to you.
An angry, vindictive person will always find out what is important to one he or she wants to hurt and they will use that as a weapon. I obviously don't know this guy and he may be a paragon in other parts of his life but in this area, his behavior seems blatantly and knowingly hurtful.
Maybe I'm just being harsh, but I reiterate: your husband's behavior sounds more like anger and intentional cruelty than simple passivity. A lot of faults can be forgiven if someone is trying. It seems to me that you have made it obvious to him that sex and intimacy is important to you and that you are hurting, and it sounds like he is simply unwilling to give you any aid whatsoever.
Perhaps you have already done this but if you want to stay in your marriage, the real question is not why he isn't interested in sex but why is he being so cruel to you that he won't even try to help his suffering spouse. I said this before but if you had appendicitis and he would not take you to the doctor, everyone would say that he is being INTENTIONALLY hurtful to you.
An angry, vindictive person will always find out what is important to one he or she wants to hurt and they will use that as a weapon. I obviously don't know this guy and he may be a paragon in other parts of his life but in this area, his behavior seems blatantly and knowingly hurtful.
BurningMonkey
TheMan In TheMirror
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I'm late too, but count me in.
I don't even ask anymore; it ruins it for me if she's only doing it out of obligation.
She offered to be a "live sex toy", and we tried it. Once. It was a disaster. She just lay there, and I lost my erection. We haven't tried it since.
At least with my hand and some lube I can close my eyes and imagine her how she used to be: ready, willing, and eager.
SquirtnBrat
Gregarious Brunette
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As someone who has been there, I can say it will get better if you both understand and want to change!
We went from having sex 1/2xs per year to having sex 4/5xs per week. We did it through communication. Our problem stemmed from all the norms. Death in the family, depression, age, unmatched desire levels. Mostly me wanting more and him acting as though it was a burden.
I found out his secret desires. As vanilla as they seemed to me, I went all in. Strip tease. Check. Anal. Check. Positions that use mirrors/cameras/light so he can take in every visual I was offering up. Check. Treating him as a king. Check. The littlest thing that made the biggest difference was I started DATING my partner again. Emotionally checking in on him made our love that much stronger.
I hope my words offer comfort and useable advice.
We went from having sex 1/2xs per year to having sex 4/5xs per week. We did it through communication. Our problem stemmed from all the norms. Death in the family, depression, age, unmatched desire levels. Mostly me wanting more and him acting as though it was a burden.
I found out his secret desires. As vanilla as they seemed to me, I went all in. Strip tease. Check. Anal. Check. Positions that use mirrors/cameras/light so he can take in every visual I was offering up. Check. Treating him as a king. Check. The littlest thing that made the biggest difference was I started DATING my partner again. Emotionally checking in on him made our love that much stronger.
I hope my words offer comfort and useable advice.
BurningMonkey
TheMan In TheMirror
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(Bold added) Key word: "want".
I'm afraid in my case your advice won't help; she doesn't want to change things.
But maybe it will help someone else here. I hope so.
subwannabe
Literotica Guru
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Yeah, It's almost a piece of cake if both parties understand the problem and want to change. All you need is a game plan. Unfortunately, most of us are trying to play a two person game with only one person on board. You can't force someone to play a game they just have no desire to play.
