Sexless Marriage

[EndlessNameless]

Denied by Fate,
Let me clarify something.

When she was going through her depression, I did get her therapy and she was seeing a psychiatrist. For almost 6 months. First, her alone, then me included. During that time, she refused to listen to the psychiatrist. He had her on medication. She refused to take it or continue seeing him. He basically told me there was nothing left for him to do.
He was releasing her from his care.

That is when I told her she needed to snap out of it completely.
And, at the time, she did. Life was then good.

However, after we went through a huge financial setback, that is when it all started falling apart.
She blamed me for the financial setback.
I am sorry she feels that way.

I have cut off all contact with her. I stay in a different room and only talk to her as little as possible.

I even took of my wedding ring.

Ah, I see now. I figured that could've been the case as well. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was jumping down your throat but I didn't realize that until after. I work with the given info. Yeah, she definitely has issues. Just stay away from her as much as possible.

I see plenty of grounds for divorce. As others mentioned, I'd at least start thinking about the exit plan. And I would definitely advise you to watch your back. If she's really as vindictive as you say she is, it's very possible she will utterly try to destroy you. Just a word of warning on that. I've seen it happen in my own family, so I know from experience.

Also, I see no reason why you can't get a legal seperation or something. I really have no idea if legally that's a good idea or not or if it really does any good. You definitely need to sit down and think about your options and I would at least try speaking to a lawyer about your situation. A lawyer would be able to better advise you.

 

[sillypanda]

I am not an attorney, and this is not legal advice.

However, most states are now no-fault divorce states, meaning you do not need a traditional reason (cheating, physical abuse, etc) to get a divorce.

If you have a law school near you, please contact them and ask for their family law clinic. If they do not have one, they will know of good low- to no-cost resources of information.

Should you decide that this is what you want, please please do not hesitate because you think it is (1) impossible or (2) too expensive.

Though I don't know the extent of your situation, my mantra in all things is always - it never hurts to gather information. I think it applies here as well. You needn't get a divorce or apply for one to get information on how it works in your jurisdiction.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

 

[HussarVanburen]

Greeting to all members of Literotica. I have been a long time reader of Literotica, and have especially enjoyed reading the wisdom from members such as Elian, Sweet Erica, Sir Winston, DVS and CutieMouse.

I am approaching 60, have been married for almost 15 years to an Asian, and have gone through many ups and downs (lost over a half-million plus to crooked real estate agents and crooked attorneys, lost all my retirement, nearly died, now having to start over with nothing to my name except my Social Security).

Please help with some advice. My wife has been using sex to punish me because she blames me for everything that happened to us. To this day, she still keeps throwing it back in my face. Our intimate life has gone down to almost zero. If we have intimacy once every 3-4 months, that is a miracle.
When I try to talk to her about it, she claims that because she is growing older (she is also almost sixty) her body and physical condition is changing and she doesn't want intimacy. I have told her that doctors and medical research have shown for older people, having sex at least once or twice a week is beneficial as it releases endorphins which help heal the body as well as prolong life. She doesn't want to hear that and tells me the medical information is bogus.

The irony is she she claims she doesn't have the time or energy to have any intimacy with me, but yet she has lots of energy to spend time playing with our three dogs and gardening.

I don't want a divorce due to the fact I don't have any legal grounds for it- she has never cheated or been abusive to me.

Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

She is your wife. Take what is yours. Period.

Do not ask her for sex. Do not plead for sex. She is yours. Do with her what you will.

She will respond, at the very least, to your power.

 

[Cattypuss]

She is your wife. Take what is yours. Period.

Do not ask her for sex. Do not plead for sex. She is yours. Do with her what you will.

In the UK this is, legally, rape. The world over it is, morally, rape.

 

[bumlicker]

life sucks and then you die!!

drink!

 

[NippleMuncher]

She is your wife. Take what is yours. Period.

Do not ask her for sex. Do not plead for sex. She is yours. Do with her what you will.

She will respond, at the very least, to your power.

Seriously? Somebody needs to get out of their mothers basement and into the real world.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

In the UK this is, legally, rape. The world over it is, morally, rape.

I fully agree, quite a destable attitude actually. She isn't property, but rather a human being...

As for the OP, a sad and difficult situation with no clear answers. She is obviously frustrated, expecting something else from her marriage than what it has turned out. To turn it against you though is her objectifying your role/duty, missing the point of what should be a joint effort/concern. I am obviously in no position to make this assessment and may be way off, but it seems she married you for the money to begin with - her attitude would certainly seem to indicate that...

 

[subwannabe]

Several of the things you say really make no sense. I really don't understand why it is you want to stay. Maybe there is something you haven't told us. If life is as you state then I think you should get out now. What's the purpose of staying in your own room and living a lie for two more years? You don't want to kick her out on the street and yet, according to you, you don't have anything anyway (but your social security). I am going to take you 100% at your word and as such I would recommend getting rid of someone who sounds like a spoiled brat, doesn't love you, in fact hates you, and blames you for every bad thing in her life.

 

[Sweet_Jenna]

OP, it's unfortunate that you're dealing with this. It sounds like you've both checked-out of the marriage, so it seems appropriate to seek legal counsel.

She is your wife. Take what is yours. Period.

Do not ask her for sex. Do not plead for sex. She is yours. Do with her what you will.

She will respond, at the very least, to your power.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

This is spousal rape - a crime in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. She will respond, alright. With a lawsuit, from the way she's been portrayed here by the OP. And then he's left with even less than he has now.

Did I mention that this is the worst advice ever?

 

[Tryharder62]

You know you sound like a guy that tries to do the right thing. It sounds like you have gone through major changes in your life. You and your wife. If it were me and I had this question I would see a counselor for myself. Just to make sure my feelings were all in order before i gave up that many years.

I am a firm believer in it's it's alright to talk to someone. If not a professional counselor than someone you trust. It sounds like you have some faith background. If you suspect your wife is depressed again that is very hard when the person doesn't want help. Sometimes they have to hit bottom.

Life shouldn't be so tough should it. Thinking of you!!!!

 

[night&day]

Don't Worry About Kicking Her To The Curb Without Anything..

as you live in California and you can be assured she will get a lawyer and he will get at least half of everything you have.

No se, no love and no respect she isn't worth pissing on!

 

[victorious]

Thank you for your response

Hello everyone,
I haven't been on for a wile due to heavy work load.
Here is an update:
I thought that given a little time, things were going to work out. And, for a week or so, it did. However, she has now gone back into her blame game attitude of blaming me for everything that happened to us over the past 8 years, and for not letting her see her family in the Philippines.

FYI- I am a Gemini- and when we are hurt, we do not forgive. Especially when we have been nice to someone, only to wind up getting kicked in the head.

WE ARE DONE!!

I have given her a piece of Land I had in another state- and she can move there and do with it as she wants. She can also have the three dogs.

I have contacted a friend of mine and will go stay with them.

As far as I am concerned, we are finished.

I even went so far as to tell her don't talk to me, touch me, or even have sex with me-

I do no want to be involved with a dirty and ungrateful woman.

She calls herself a Catholic and Christian- Ha!! She is not willing to let go and forgive.
She will continue to hold a grudge until she dies.

I have friends and a support group- I am a trained Addiction/Substance Abuse/Anger Management Counselor in California- and I will go on.

One thing I know about myself- adversity will not ever defeat me. I always bounce back. I will bounce back from this, too.

Thanks
Victorious

You know you sound like a guy that tries to do the right thing. It sounds like you have gone through major changes in your life. You and your wife. If it were me and I had this question I would see a counselor for myself. Just to make sure my feelings were all in order before i gave up that many years.

I am a firm believer in it's it's alright to talk to someone. If not a professional counselor than someone you trust. It sounds like you have some faith background. If you suspect your wife is depressed again that is very hard when the person doesn't want help. Sometimes they have to hit bottom.

Life shouldn't be so tough should it. Thinking of you!!!!

 

[sillypanda]

So glad to hear things are progressing well for you.

Best of luck sir!

 

[pplwatching]

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[victorious]

Reponse to pplwatching

I have asked her for forgiveness numerous times- she will not accept it.

My mistake, I realize now was that when we were involved in a lawsuit and received some money from it, I used it for the benefit of us, i.e. living quarters, normal expenses. However, now, I realize that I should have given her all of the money- she says "you never gave me the money- you should have given all of it to me".

If you want your marriage to be over, then by all means end it. I think it's important to be sure that you are ending it for the right reasons, however. From what you have written it seems like you have reacted out of frustration, anger, and hurt. Decisions made during such emotionally trying times are usually not very well thought out, Giving her a peice of land and expecting her to move there doesn't seem very rational, or practical. One would assume that she has friends and her own support network where you live.

Many of the statements in your most recent post seem to come from hurt and spite. For example, what has she done to deserve being called "dirty"? What seems to be missing from your feelings, at least those that you have shared with us thus far are love, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. Do you love her?

I can't speak to your investments, but in your earlier posts you seem not to take any responsibility for those losses; instead laying the blame for your finances at the feet of others. What was your role in choosing those investments and vetting the agents? It doesn't sound like she's dealt with your situation as well as she could or perhaps should have, but do you understand why she feels the way that she does?

During the week that things were improving with your wife, how well did the two of you communicate? Did you make any attempt to understand how she feels, or ask her to understand how you feel? Have you apologized to your wife for the situation you are now in and asked her forgiveness and support in moving forward? Have you discussed practical ways for her to reconnect with her family?

If you don't want to try to rebuild your marriage, that's up to you. The steps that you are taking will certainly get you to a divorce. As long as you are reacting out of hurt rather than reaching out to rebuild your marriage, you will continue to push her away. Telling her not to touch you, keeping seperate living quarters, and moving out are all ways to drive a wedge further between you. If you are holding out hope that she will sense your anger and frustration and come to her senses, then perhaps your effort would be better spent doing things that bring you closer together, even if those things are uncomfortable.



Your decision to forgive her, or not to, can only come from one place ; inside of you. As a Gemeni, with friends who are also Gemini, I don't believe that such a broad stereotype is at all accurate.

I wish you the best of luck, however you decide to proceed.

 

[NightL]

I would not tie her issues/grievances into one convenient package. There is one single approach, however, that could help. Communication. That also means you have to listen... may have to take it on the chin from time to time.

Regarding the lack of sex... imagine you woke one day to decide you really don't get any desire to eat a particular food. It may have been your favourite in the past, but now there is zero desire for it. The more you are told you should eat it the more you grow a resentment toward it and toward the person who is trying to get you to eat it.

Your wife is very likely feeling the same toward sex... quite common really. The more you push the less likely she will ever feel enthused to try. Of course she should talk to her GP... and there are all manor of approaches now that don't have the risk of hormone replacement therapy of a number of years ago. I believe the current approaches, to dealing with a lack of libido after the onset of menopause, have very significant results and benefits.

Go to your doctor first on your own. Discuss the issue and educate yourself to the options. Then be honest and open with your wife. "I miss our intimacy. We used to enjoy ourselves a lot. I have found out this information... would you consider coming with me to the GP to find out more about it? I love you very much, maybe this would help us both?" Keep the pressure off... try to let her feel in charge of the situation. Be loving and romantic and beyond everything else try to be as considerate as possible. You are asking her to do something in response to something that she has lost all desire for.

Leave her... where are you going to go... maybe you are lucky and hook up with a fifty year old who may go through the very same thing just after you get together. Leave her... and be on your own... that is no answer.

You have to move on from the financial woes... how will she ever forgive you if you don't forgive yourself. You can't turn the clock back but you can take charge of your future. Maybe if she sees that you are trying she will soften up to you. Is your glass half empty or half full? Negative or positive?

I encourage you to seriously look at yourself and what changes you can make. We are all attracted to positive people... when was the last time you displayed a positive attitude around the people you love.

Love your wife. Remember what the attraction was and why you decided to spend the rest of your life with her. Hold that memory and work out what you have to do for yourself to get that feeling back.

Bring happiness to yourself and I am sure she will be all the more willing, for your sake, to accompany you to the doctor to discuss your sex life and how to improve it. Who knows... maybe after advice from the doctor she will find a new lease on life that you can't keep up with. You might have to ask for Viagra

Love your wife.

 

[satindesire]

*snip*
Here is an update:


WE ARE DONE!!

I strongly suggest you add this to your original post. As you can see from the posts that came after this one here you added, most people do not read and entire thread, and will only read the first page at most. At least then the people who won't read the whole thread won't continue posting to outdated information when you've already made steps past your original post, so that situation no longer applies.

 

[pplwatching]

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[bailadora]

If you want your marriage to be over, then by all means end it. I think it's important to be sure that you are ending it for the right reasons, however. From what you have written it seems like you have reacted out of frustration, anger, and hurt.

Besides the no sex issue, constant belittlement, being treated as a meal ticket and refusal to even discuss issues seem like pretty good reasons for calling it quits. And if there is hurt and anger speaking, I think that's more than understandable.

I'm all for giving relationships every chance possible, but BOTH partners have to be invested and committed to the hard work of reparation. From what the OP has written (and really, that's all we have to go on unless the wife appears and presents her side), she could care less.

So respectfully, I disagree that the statement "WE ARE DONE" is mere "frustration". I read that as someone who has resolved to take responsibility for his own happiness, instead of coupling it with someone who (seemingly) has so little regard for him.

 

[pplwatching]

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[bailadora]

It's not clear to me why you chose to attack me based on that statement. You are free to interpret what was posted however you see it. I'll thank you to extend other's the same courtesy.

Did you miss the part where I said I respectfully disagree? That is by no means an attack. I just see this differently than you and expressed it. This IS a discussion forum, after all.

Going by your join date, you should be aware that people here don't always agree with one another. Outside of the people who deliberately set out to cause trouble, I've rarely seen HT regulars get their knickers in a twist because their POV was challenged or disagreed with. It's been my experience that as long the conversation is kept civil (which I did), then spirited debate is accepted and *gasp* even welcomed!

 

[pplwatching]

Did you miss the part where I said I respectfully disagree? That is by no means an attack.

"WE ARE DONE may be frustration talking" was part of my rebuttal, however sarcastic, at having my post cast as superflous by another poster. Your quote of my word choice and specific disagreement with that statement, however respectfully dressed, appeared to be intended to validate that poster's position. I apologize if I misunderstood your intention.

 

[bailadora]

"WE ARE DONE may be frustration talking" was part of my rebuttal, however sarcastic, at having my post cast as superfluous by another poster. Your quote of my word choice and specific disagreement with that statement, however respectfully dressed, appeared to be intended to validate that poster's position. I apologize if I misunderstood your intention.

No harm, no foul.

While I quite often find myself agreeing with said poster, my post was more of a observation that it's kind of hard to save a marriage when only one person seems interested in doing so.

 

[satindesire]

Or they'll follow the thread all the way through and realize that "yelling" WE ARE DONE may be frustration talking (and even reference said post in their reply).

When the OP said that he gave his wife a piece of land to move into, and he sent her away with a friend to take care of her, along with the dogs, I'm pretty sure that means "done" with the marriage entirely.

So you can roll those eyes right back into your sarcastic little head, thanks.

 

[pplwatching]

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