Sexless Marriage

[victorious]

A Little bit of an update

Just wanted to let everyone know that for know, relationship with wife is getting better. Example- yesterday- she was the one who came to me and said- I'm in the mood- and wanted to have time with me right then. It was super. She even apologized for being moody at times, and for not being more loving/physical. She has started to also show more affection for me. And I have been reciprocating- making her breakfast and lunch on the weekends- and having fun with the dogs.
I hope this is the start of helping to better our relationship and marriage. I believe in my heart that it will work out. I think she just needed time, and so did I.

Thanks to everyone- Sweet Erica, pplwatching and everyone else.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

You are the best to gauge your relationship, and if your happy enough to keep being in it.

Low libido in older women occurs because of the drop of estrogen and testosterone (yep we women have that too). That can be overcome by visiting your gp who can prescribe tablets to increase these levels.

Ive supplied two links for you for further reading

http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com.au/2009/04/testosterone-levels-after-menopause.html

and

http://anepigone.blogspot.com.au/2009/06/older-married-couples-are-less.html

 

[victorious]

Things are still going Great!!

Hello everyone- things are still going great- we are communicating more, and showing each other more affection all of the time. Instead of arguing, we are laughing and calling each other with sweet affectionate names.

Marriage is work- and we will both work together to make it work.

Going on 15 years this summer- and will do what it takes, both of us together- to last for our lifetimes. We will grow old together!!

 

[bailadora]

Hello everyone- things are still going great- we are communicating more, and showing each other more affection all of the time. Instead of arguing, we are laughing and calling each other with sweet affectionate names.

Marriage is work- and we will both work together to make it work.

Going on 15 years this summer- and will do what it takes, both of us together- to last for our lifetimes. We will grow old together!!

This is excellent news! Thanks for taking the time to update us. I sincerely wish you both the best and hope she remains as committed to resolution as you are.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[hillseeker]

You are the best to gauge your relationship, and if your happy enough to keep being in it.

Low libido in older women occurs because of the drop of estrogen and testosterone (yep we women have that too). That can be overcome by visiting your gp who can prescribe tablets to increase these levels.

Ive supplied two links for you for further reading

http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com.au/2009/04/testosterone-levels-after-menopause.html

and

http://anepigone.blogspot.com.au/2009/06/older-married-couples-are-less.html

I talked to my wifes gp about this he said she is such a lovely lady you dont need to have sex....then i talked to.my wife about getting a new dr.

 

[victorious]

Continue to make progress

Hello everyone,

Our relationship and communications are getting stronger and stronger each day. This past weekend, we both had fun working in our garden- planting Lillie's and Gladiola's together.

I prepared the pots with the soil and steer manure mixture, (over 55 in all) and my wife planted the bulbs.

We had a great time together in our garden, and then a relaxing rest of the weekend rest and fun time for both of us- laughing, cuddling, and alone time together.

Thanks for all of your advice and support- especially to pplwatching and Sweet Erika.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[victorious]

Having Fun Again

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that we are doing fine- having fun and spending a lot of time together when I get home from work. We have breakfast together on the weekend- and this Sunday (Easter) i am cooking a leg of lamb, marinated with rosemary, garlic, lime juice, canola oil, and orange juice, along with some delicious Thai Jasmine Rice.
And I'm also helping out in the garden- we love planting and working together and then watching them grow and flourish. Lilies and daffodils are in bloom- and they look gorgeous. Gladiolas recently planted are starting to come up as well. It's great to look at all of the beautiful plants that we have planted together.
Hope everyone has a great Easter holiday.

 

[PussyCatWoman]

Hmmmm...

Thanks for posting.
I do not feel like a victim.

Yes, maybe divorce is the answer as you suggest.

But I don't want to kick her to the curb with nothing.

I am not that cruel or mean.

Probably will just wait until we both hit 62 (eligible for SS) and then will move on.
At least she will have something for herself, as will I.

Thanks

Move to Arkansas or another "No Fault" state. Establish residency. You don't need grounds for a divorce in a No Fault state if you are a resident.

It took me four years to give myself permission to get out of an abusive relationship for lots of reasons, some of which you have posted here. The reality was.... fear. Once I was out, I found no fear, just freedom.

Disregard the people who have given snarky advice. Some people have all the answers without living the life.

Good luck. Unhappiness is the worst sin we can live.

 

[NightL]

Unhappiness is the worst sin we can live.

2nd worst is not reading the last page of this thread before you post

 

[Lady Reiha]

Masturbate. : )

 

[kellyz_craic]

It's good that things are still going well for you and I hope they continue to do so. My concern is that the forgetfulness you mentioned coupled with the irrationality, mood swings and depression etc your wife was experiencing before are strong indicators of the possibility of early stage dementia, whether it be Alzheimers or something else. As the carer of a dementia sufferer, I can't stress enough how important it is that you persuade your wife to see a doctor as soon as possible. Early diagnosis and treatment is the only way to delay symptoms if your wife does have some form of dementia. Episodes of acute confusion can also indicate TIAs or mini-strokes, which could mean her body is gearing up for a big one.

I really hope she checks out ok and there's nothing going on but you must get her to doctor.

 

[victorious]

Latest Update

Hello all-
Haven't been around for a while- been busy having to look for a new job as the current one has changed from full to part time. Even with all of the change in our financial situation, the relationship between my wife and I is still getting stronger. When I told her about the change in job status, she didn't get mad or upset- in fact, she said we will be OK and she has remained very supportive of me.
We talk, laugh, help each other, and have fun doing things together- playing with our dogs, gardening, and just having fun.

I feel blessed that she is being so understanding and supportive of me and of us during this minor setback. I know that I will rebound and get back on my feet- and I will have her to be there right along my side and to cheer me on and give me emotional support. And I, too will continue to be there for here and give her emotional and physical support.

We are a team!!

 

[victorious]

A little update

Hello Literoticans, including pplwatching and sweet erika,

Just a short update on how things are going:

We are still getting along well and communicating more, and we are enjoying ourselves.

There are a few things in her behavior I have recently noticed:

1. She gets stressed out over the slightest little thing- she used to be very flexible and able to role with the flow

2. She also has now become very rigid in her schedule- everything has to be done a certain time- no room for deviation- example- if the dogs are not given breakfast by 3:30 am everyday- that's like a cardinal sin. If something isn't done when she asks to have it done- even if I am doing something important or am busy- she demands I stop what I am doing and come to her need right away. Also, if I don't do it immediately- then all I hear is her complaining. FYI- this also goes for our having intimate relations- these have to be planned out as well in advance- no spontaneity in our intimacy as well

I have learned how to tune all of this out and not let it affect me-

Sadly, I am afraid if she doesn't lighten up- she may wind up having a serious medical issue.

I don't know if her age has anything to do with this- she will be 60 in several months- I am also approaching sixty in less than a month and a half-

I have tried to talk with her about seeing a doctor- she absolutely refuses to do so

I am not going to force her to see one

Take care everyone

 

[victorious]

Update and Status

Hello everyone-
Sorry I have not had time to post recently- extremely busy with work and changes in schedule from full to part time- also looking for new employment full time- have some leads I am working on-

On the home front- things are still ok- however, wife has become more forgetful, and now developing OCD with respect to when and how things in the house need to be done- example- only certain color towels can be used for each dog- can't mix them up-

And everything must be done just so- no room for deviation-

She is having difficulty with being flexible and with multitasking- also always wanting to be center of attention- and repeats the same story over and over again- even though I have listened to it before.

Even with these, she still is more sexual with me than we were previously.

As long as we continue to have intimacy and sex, I can live with her idiosyncrasies.

Take care everyone!!

 

[Noor]

I am wondering if the previously house problems that made you sick, also affected your wife.

Is she eating okay? I know some people that have mood swings when they don't eat properly. The financial situation is probably scaring the hell out of her.

 

[victorious]

Reply

Noor,
She was checked out at the time with the house problems and found to be okay

She is eating and hasn't changed her diet or routine, and the financial problems have been there even before this time.

I did some research and found a study that indicated people from southeast Asian Countries- both men and women- have a greater risk for Dementia and Alzheimer to being in the 50's yo 60's because of their past diet that relied heavily on eating rice.

I am wondering if the previously house problems that made you sick, also affected your wife.

Is she eating okay? I know some people that have mood swings when they don't eat properly. The financial situation is probably scaring the hell out of her.

 

[Eilan]

As long as we continue to have intimacy and sex, I can live with her idiosyncrasies.

Well, at least you have your priorities in order.

 

[victorious]

Reply

Eilan,
I have always enjoyed reading your posts.

Thank you for what you said- Well stated!

Well, at least you have your priorities in order.

 

[SweetErika]

It's a huge mistake to prioritize sex and the status quo over your wife's health. You suspect she has a brain disorder/disease, so you need to have her checked out. Get her to a good doctor for a general checkup, cancer screening, etc., and speak to the doctor and/or nurse beforehand or outside the exam room right at the beginning of the appointment about the symptoms you're noticing. You could even talk to the receptionist and get in touch with the doctor prior to the appointment via phone so s/he knows what to look for. You'd do well to start writing all of her symptoms down so the doctor gets a clear picture of what she's going through.

I wouldn't usually advocate being sneaky or lying, but this is a special situation, and you'd be acting with your wife's best interest, so I don't think there's any ethical concern or moral conflict for you. Most doctors also get that people with brain disorders/diseases are special situations, so they shouldn't have a problem hearing you out and then bringing it up with her obliquely. If you're listed as a person her doctor can share info with in her chart, then there's really no problem. If you fill out new paperwork, then try to get yourself down as that person by helping her fill out the forms and having her sign them, if possible. Again, it's in her best interest to have you involved.

This is super important for your wife, and if you love her, you'll do everything in your power to help her get assessed and treated. She could have dementia or Alzheimer's, but she could also have cancer. Any way you look at it, intervention now is probably key to her future prognosis (and your life, including your sex life, down the road). You can try, and maybe fail, or you can not try and probably feel guilty about not making the effort.

 

[njlauren]

I am not an MD but the symptoms you give are usually associated with some forms of mental health issues or problems. The OCD and rigidity could be associated with dementia or alzheimers or could be from manic depressive syndrome as well (if she has mood swings, could be indicative of that). Having lived with a mother in law with mental health issues that led into dementia, the kind of rigidity you talk about is often to compensate for the disjointed way they experience the world. My mother in law used to get psychotic breaks, wouldn't remember what went on, and was freaked out that things had mysteriously moved, etc (she did it, of course). By having a regular, ordered schedule, it allowed her to feel in control.

You need to get her checked out, these may not be idiosyncracies but signs of real issues. Again I am not a trained professional but the swing in your relationship, the swing in your wife's mood strikes me as being a warning sign. As much as she doesn't want to go, as much as she fights it, get her checked out, and let doctors know the whole story so they know what to check for.

 

[victorious]

I wish it was simple

Sweet Erika,

I understand your concern, and I have the same concern. However, getting her to a doctor to get checked out is not that easy.

A little history- early on in our marriage, she exhibited the same behavior- and I did get her to a doctor. Found out the behavior was due to a benign brain tumor- which, fortunately was removed. If it hadn't she could have been blind or suffered other serious effects. I had to force her to get the tumor removed- and she hated me for doing that for the next 7- 8 years of the marriage.
The doctor said he got 95 % of the tumor removed- but couldn't get the remaining 5% because she would have bled to death. He warned me that there was a chance- slight one- it could come back.
I have told her that we need to see a doctor- as soon as we get health insurance- she flatly refuses and says if I try to get her to see one- she will walk away from the marriage, file for divorce, and tell the police I am trying to kill her.

My hands are tied. I am praying for the good Lord to do a miracle in her life and heal her.

It's a huge mistake to prioritize sex and the status quo over your wife's health. You suspect she has a brain disorder/disease, so you need to have her checked out. Get her to a good doctor for a general checkup, cancer screening, etc., and speak to the doctor and/or nurse beforehand or outside the exam room right at the beginning of the appointment about the symptoms you're noticing. You could even talk to the receptionist and get in touch with the doctor prior to the appointment via phone so s/he knows what to look for. You'd do well to start writing all of her symptoms down so the doctor gets a clear picture of what she's going through.

I wouldn't usually advocate being sneaky or lying, but this is a special situation, and you'd be acting with your wife's best interest, so I don't think there's any ethical concern or moral conflict for you. Most doctors also get that people with brain disorders/diseases are special situations, so they shouldn't have a problem hearing you out and then bringing it up with her obliquely. If you're listed as a person her doctor can share info with in her chart, then there's really no problem. If you fill out new paperwork, then try to get yourself down as that person by helping her fill out the forms and having her sign them, if possible. Again, it's in her best interest to have you involved.

This is super important for your wife, and if you love her, you'll do everything in your power to help her get assessed and treated. She could have dementia or Alzheimer's, but she could also have cancer. Any way you look at it, intervention now is probably key to her future prognosis (and your life, including your sex life, down the road). You can try, and maybe fail, or you can not try and probably feel guilty about not making the effort.

 

[SweetErika]

Sweet Erika,

I understand your concern, and I have the same concern. However, getting her to a doctor to get checked out is not that easy.

A little history- early on in our marriage, she exhibited the same behavior- and I did get her to a doctor. Found out the behavior was due to a benign brain tumor- which, fortunately was removed. If it hadn't she could have been blind or suffered other serious effects. I had to force her to get the tumor removed- and she hated me for doing that for the next 7- 8 years of the marriage.
The doctor said he got 95 % of the tumor removed- but couldn't get the remaining 5% because she would have bled to death. He warned me that there was a chance- slight one- it could come back.
I have told her that we need to see a doctor- as soon as we get health insurance- she flatly refuses and says if I try to get her to see one- she will walk away from the marriage, file for divorce, and tell the police I am trying to kill her.

My hands are tied. I am praying for the good Lord to do a miracle in her life and heal her.

If she has a brain tumor or a disabling disease, she should qualify for Medicaid or Medicare, which will cover her treatment. As far as going to the doctor in general, there are free and low-cost clinics.

I'd suggest checking out what your state and local social service organizations (including senior advocacy/assistance) have to offer. Maybe they can hook you up with health care resources, an advocate, or someone else who can convince/compel her to get checked out. At the very least, she needs to have a physical and probably a mammogram and PAP smear. Get her to do those things and don't mention any of the brain or behavior issues to her. You could always use the dog and plant angle or something - that her dogs and garden need her to be healthy so she can care for them like they deserve.

And then you could always call her bluff on the divorce and police. You don't have any real assets or even a FT job at this point, so she'd get half of nothing in a divorce and have to move out on her own, support herself, etc. She likely wouldn't be able to keep the dogs if she divorced you. Why would she want to do that over you getting her to see a doctor?

As for the police thing, that's total BS. Maybe it isn't to her, but it will be to them. The police aren't going to take action because you pushed for your wife who is showing signs of a brain disorder to get checked out! They're going to write her off as a sick woman who needs help, and maybe that would even start the wheels turning so she's compelled to get the help she needs! If you're even a tad bit worried about that, documenting her issues will be even more helpful, and you can give them a non-emergency call yourself and ask for their help with the situation. Say, "My wife is showing signs of a dementia or a brain tumor growth, and she's threatened to tell the police I'm trying to kill her if I push her to seek medical attention. Is there any way you can help me, or refer me to social service agencies you work with that help struggling seniors and/or people with brain diseases and disorders?" You could also ask them to file a report so when she does fly off the handle at some point (and my bet is she will over something ludicrous), they'll already have a heads-up on what's going on with her mental status and know how to help her better. The police deal with the mentally ill and diseased daily, so it shouldn't surprise them at all, and they'll probably appreciate the advanced notice. They're there to help and would prefer to avoid problems in the future if possible.

Of course you could always turn it around and tell her YOU don't want to be with someone who could have an awful quality of life and/or horrible death just because they refuse basic health care. I don't really suggest that approach, but you should use whatever you need to if the compassionate route and pointing out how much the things she loves need her to be healthy don't work.