Sexless Marriage

[Lord Pmann]

Okay, we can offer him advice one of two ways. We can tickle his ear and tell him he needs to communicate with his wife and all that stuff. Or we can be honest. Again, I have to go on the fact that the things he says about her are true. He has said the following:

- She punishes him with sex, even after he has tried to talk to her about it.
- She denies there are medical benefits to sex.
- She spends more energy with the dogs than her husband.
- She tells him she is going to leave him when she can get social security.
- She is verbally abusive.
- She spends money out of control.
- She doesn't love him.
- She plans to write a book about how awful he is.
- She was thankless that he helped her family with $10k.
- She didn't listen to her psychiatrist after her husband attended counseling with her.
- She won't see a doctor when she has an obvious problem. Or if she does, it's after loads of time wasted.
- She can't understand that he has to actually work when he works from home.

I've read the entire thread. I realized for a short time things may have gotten better. But he needs to wake up to the type of person she is. She is abusive. She callous. And she treats him with zero respect. I've said it before on other threads and I will say it again, of this was a girl who was with a guy who treated her like this, people would be telling her to run for the hills. No one would be saying to work with him and make him feel wanted and supported. They'd say get away from the abusive asshole. And they'd be right.

I'm 100% for making marriages work. I think divorce is a sad thing and shouldn't be used as often as it is. I think people could work it out much more often. However, this lady is not giving him anything. I realize he is just pointing out her flaws here. But if what he is saying is true, then her flaws are major. And she seems unchanging really.

I think the original poster seems like a really nice guy. I've never felt worse for anyone on the forum. He seems to genuinely try. I'm sure he has his faults. But he seems to make an effort to talk and communicate. But she rarely gives anything back. There is a genuine lack of respect for him. If I was in his shoes, I'd want a friend to say to me, "Your wife is being an ass and you need to leave." Hard words to hear. But sometimes words that need to be said.

But since I've stirred the pot too much this week, I offer my apology.

http://i1161.photobucket.com/albums/q518/pmann83/apology/formalapology1.jpg

 

[dashd]

Sounds like you two meed some counseling. If you don't want to go that route there's a great book called "The Love Dare". If you want an enjoyable synopsis of the book, watch the movie "Fireproof"

 

[victorious]

Update

Hello everyone,
Been very busy with work-out every day.
I took the advice given and now make it a point to be out of the house everyday- only home on the weekends- and sometimes not at that time either due to weekend meetings.

I am finding I get much more done, and have no distractions.

The wife hates it- always complains the minute I walk in the door- never asks how was my day- only wants to complain how hard it is for her having to take care of the dogs.

She loves all the money I give her when I am paid, however-

And she has access to funds at the bank when I am away.

As far as I am concerned, (I trained as a behavior counselor) it is her issue- not mine.

I take care of myself, and she has to learn to take care of herself.

I am not responsible for her actions- only mine

Have a great weekend!

 

[Lord Pmann]

Sorry to hear she is being terrible. Am I missing the reason why you don't leave?

Best of luck with this. You seem like a really nice guy and I hate to see someone go through this kind of thing.

 

[victorious]

Reply to your post

I won't leave nor will I divorce her because there are no biblical grounds for it. She has never hit me, nor has she cheated on me (committed adultery).
For me, those are the only grounds allowable for divorce. Besides, she was there when I was sick, and I was there when she was sick.

Sorry to hear she is being terrible. Am I missing the reason why you don't leave?

Best of luck with this. You seem like a really nice guy and I hate to see someone go through this kind of thing.

 

[desertslave]

I'm not christian, but I know I've read that Jesus said 'love one another, this is the greatest commandment' or something to that nature. She isn't loving you, and she's making it difficult for you to love her. Seems simple enough to me, if you're stuck on the biblical part.

Considering how careless she is with YOUR hard-earned money, set some aside for yourself. Arrange for an automatic deduction into a different account, if you can.

If her dogs are such a burden to her, you could always offer to put one or more down, to ease her oh-so-difficult life. Otherwise, she wants 'em, she deals with them, and can just suck up and deal with her own choices.

 

[gentledemands]

Hello everyone,

She loves all the money I give her when I am paid, however-

And she has access to funds at the bank when I am away.

There is nothing stopping you from opening a different account. At least get a little control over the finances. If she whines she whines.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I won't leave nor will I divorce her because there are no biblical grounds for it. She has never hit me, nor has she cheated on me (committed adultery).
For me, those are the only grounds allowable for divorce. Besides, she was there when I was sick, and I was there when she was sick.

I respect that. But the Bible also talks about being unequally yoked. And this is certainly in that category, in my opinion. And she is abusive. Just because she doesn't physically hit you, does not mean she isn't abusive.

And for the record, abuse isn't a biblical ground for divorce. No where does it mention that. The only things it mentions is being with an uncooperative believer and adultery.

I really hope for the best man. You seem like a really good man.

 

[subwannabe]

In a way you sound like a woman who gets a black eye by a punch from her man, he says he's sorry, buys her roses, and promises he'll never do it again so she forgives him. She continues to abuse you, just not physically, but mental abuse can be just as bad or even worse. I can't believe you are willing to work so hard, turn your money over for her to spend, and then take verbal abuse from her because you are working so much. I about dropped my jaw when you said she's mad at you for not helping take care of the dogs (by working so much), which are basically HER dogs.

You are a much better man than me because I would divorce her in a second because she has broken most of the vows you can have in a marriage. And, I would tell her you can solve the dog problem by getting rid of them in a variety of ways. I am more convinced than ever that she abuses you because she actually wants you out of the house and you have let her trick you into that. All she wants is your money and you gone. Her perfect world is you turning your money over to her week after week and her having the house to herself and not having to show you any love or affection. In a sadistic and low self-esteemed way, you seem to be ok with that.

 

[SweetErika]

I won't leave nor will I divorce her because there are no biblical grounds for it. She has never hit me, nor has she cheated on me (committed adultery).
For me, those are the only grounds allowable for divorce. Besides, she was there when I was sick, and I was there when she was sick.

Let's say my husband never lays a hand on me, but he neglects my needs and is mentally and emotionally abusive in terms of putting me down, ignoring me, speaking ill of me to others, embarrassing me, etc. I've done everything I can to communicate my needs and let him know how much his words and actions hurt me.

As a former counselor, would you suggest I stay in the marriage?

Would you tell a friend in your specific situation that they shouldn't get divorced because they've never been physically abused or cheated on?

Religious beliefs aside, do you see how silly it is to encourage someone to stay in a miserable situation just because a book says they probably should?

Considering how careless she is with YOUR hard-earned money, set some aside for yourself. Arrange for an automatic deduction into a different account, if you can.

That's what I came here to post. Victorious, you need to have your paycheck go into one account that only you have access to, then automatically move the funds your wife needs for an emergency into an account that she has access to. Of course put her as the beneficiary on your big account and make sure you designate a power of attorney who can access the account to pay your wife's expenses if you're severely incapacitated. Her account should be an "emergency only" fund, and you should give her cash to cover everyday expenses so she can't overdraw her account. Set up automatic bill pay for everything you can, so there's no need for her to write checks or pay bils. She clearly has some sort of mental issue and hasn't been responsible with money in the past, so it's up to you to protect BOTH of you from financial ruin.

Also make sure you have a living will that expresses your wishes explicitly for all sorts of medical situations. A couple of months ago, my uncle sustained a severe head injury while working. His wife is a mess, and can not manage their affairs or get the paperwork she needs to get financial assistance done on her own. He has been subjected to all sorts of painful surgeries/procedures and resuscitations because he did not have a living will, DNR or appoint a power of attorney before the accident. Anything could happen, but especially with you driving so much, it's critical for you to get your affairs in order now, so your wishes are followed if you're incapacitated. Your wife sounds a lot like my aunt in her ability to handle situations like this, unfortunately.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

For your own happiness and hers I think leaving might be the best thing to do, but that's a decision that only you can make. Try to imaging what it might be like. Is it better than your life now?

 

[satindesire]

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/he...ples-would-rather-fight-than-get-along/all/1/

 

[victorious]

Handwriting is on the wall

We both have agreed to separate and then consider filing for divorce if we are not able to reconcile.

This is something I don't want- she wants it.

The truth is she turned on me when we moved from LA county to the High Desert- and has never forgiven me.

She will never forgive me- always wants to throw it back in my face.

I love her and will always love her- just from afar.,

I am not going to post anymore.

This thread is closed as far as I am concerned.

 

[SweetErika]

You really should edit your first post in this thread to reflect that, because a lot of people will still just read the first post and waste their time responding otherwise.

Good luck with the separation and everything. I think it's for the best - no one deserves abuse or to be miserable. And at least you have a new job that you enjoy and stay busy with!

 

[victorious]

End of this thread

Thank you all for your kind words.
I have decided, and so has she, that we will separate for now and see if later there will be a reconciliation. However, given what has transpired, I highly doubt it.
She has the dogs, and I have my new job to keep me busy and occupied.

This thread is now closed, and doesn't need further comments.

Greeting to all members of Literotica. I have been a long time reader of Literotica, and have especially enjoyed reading the wisdom from members such as Elian, Sweet Erica, Sir Winston, DVS and CutieMouse.

I am approaching 60, have been married for almost 15 years to an Asian, and have gone through many ups and downs (lost over a half-million plus to crooked real estate agents and crooked attorneys, lost all my retirement, nearly died, now having to start over with nothing to my name except my Social Security).

Please help with some advice. My wife has been using sex to punish me because she blames me for everything that happened to us. To this day, she still keeps throwing it back in my face. Our intimate life has gone down to almost zero. If we have intimacy once every 3-4 months, that is a miracle.
When I try to talk to her about it, she claims that because she is growing older (she is also almost sixty) her body and physical condition is changing and she doesn't want intimacy. I have told her that doctors and medical research have shown for older people, having sex at least once or twice a week is beneficial as it releases endorphins which help heal the body as well as prolong life. She doesn't want to hear that and tells me the medical information is bogus.

The irony is she she claims she doesn't have the time or energy to have any intimacy with me, but yet she has lots of energy to spend time playing with our three dogs and gardening.

I don't want a divorce due to the fact I don't have any legal grounds for it- she has never cheated or been abusive to me.

Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[pplwatching]

Thank you all for your kind words.
I have decided, and so has she, that we will separate for now and see if later there will be a reconciliation. However, given what has transpired, I highly doubt it.
She has the dogs, and I have my new job to keep me busy and occupied.

This thread is now closed, and doesn't need further comments.

You are welcome. Good luck to both of you. I realize that you said that you won't come back, but I hope that you do and keep us posted. Earlier in this thread there was some discussion about the expenses related to separating (two homes, alimony, etc). It seems like the new job is a good opportunity in more ways than one, since it will enable you to afford to move on. If you do come back and are inclined to share, I for one am interested in how things work financially in a situation like this.

All the best

 

[newgentleguy]

i say never quit..... go with what you vowed to do 15 yrs ago. only death should end a marriage. never quit before the miracle... never.

 

[SweetErika]

i say never quit..... go with what you vowed to do 15 yrs ago. only death should end a marriage. never quit before the miracle... never.

With all due respect, that's a huge, steaming load of crap. There are so many other reasons why marriages SHOULD end. Can you honestly say you'd advise a loved one (e.g. a sibling, grown child or best friend) to stay when they're being abused, neglected or modeling a terribly unhealthy relationship for their child(ren)?

I believe in marriage. I believe in upholding the vows/promises we choose to make when we marry. I believe people should do everything in their power to attempt to fix themselves, the problems and rebuild the relationship, rather than opting for divorce. However, the reality is that sometimes the relationship can't be repaired for a variety of reasons and/or divorce is the very best option. When that's the case, it's time to let the marriage go and move on with our lives so we have a shot at being happy.

 

[newgentleguy]

i guess i should have said that i didn't quit when things seemed irreparable and hopeless.. that i (we) held to the vows made 25 yrs ago.. that we didn't quit before the miracle.

if one of my children gets themselves in a similar situation, i would probably tell them what we did/did not do and how it worked out for us.

but i hear you... many if not most marriages invariably fail for one reason or another, sometimes the sooner the better. yes you're right about that.

but you're wrong about that being a load of crap...

 

[Lord Pmann]

i guess i should have said that i didn't quit when things seemed irreparable and hopeless.. that i (we) held to the vows made 25 yrs ago.. that we didn't quit before the miracle.

if one of my children gets themselves in a similar situation, i would probably tell them exactly what we did/did not do and how it worked out for us.

you are dead wrong about that being a load of crap...

Even in an abusive situation you'd say to stick it out? Emotional harm and all? Black eye and all?

What a great dad.

 

[newgentleguy]

i didn't say that. i said what i did and how it worked out for us.

why does that bother you so much that you would question what kind of dad i am?

 

[mapili50]

I'm part Asian and grew up in a conservative background. My long-term relationships always started with tons of sex, then zip.

I've finally figured out that it's my repressed attitude about sex. I've got a lot of fantasies but find it really difficult to say what I want ("please tie me up and fuck me"). So, after a while sex gets boring and frustrating.

And with a repressed attitude, I was too embarrassed to do anything more than shrug my shoulders when a partner would ask what I liked. So there is NO WAY I am going to mention my fantasies to any counselor. I don't even talk about sexual fantasies to my sister.

Not saying this is what's happening to you, but I sure wish I'd learned to be open and honest about sex years ago. I've gotten better and can say that my current relationship went from zip to me being absolutely horny 24/7.

 

[Lord Pmann]

i didn't say that. i said what i did and how it worked out for us.

why does that bother you so much that you would question what kind of dad i am?

You did say that. You said it when you said:

only death should end a marriage. never quit before the miracle...never.

Why does that bother me? Because I've worked with battered and abused women who have been told there is no excuse to leave a marriage, when they are getting the shit beaten out of them. I don't think divorce should be used as often as it is. But there are certainly reasons for it. Good, acceptable reasons for it.

My point wasn't to say you're a bad father. I don't know you from Adam's left nut. But to make a blanket statement like death is the only thing that should end a marriage is retarded. That's why Erika said that statement was crap. She was right.

 

[bailadora]

i guess i should have said that i didn't quit when things seemed irreparable and hopeless.. that i (we) held to the vows made 25 yrs ago.. that we didn't quit before the miracle.

if one of my children gets themselves in a similar situation, i would probably tell them what we did/did not do and how it worked out for us.

but i hear you... many if not most marriages invariably fail for one reason or another, sometimes the sooner the better. yes you're right about that.

but you're wrong about that being a load of crap...

How wonderful that you were able to turn things around in your marriage. And I mean that with all sincerity.

I think what's putting people off is the way you spoke in terms of absolutes. It's one thing to share/make suggestions based upon your own experiences and relate how you think they might be beneficial to the OP and his situation. It's quite another to suggest that because certain actions/methods/attitudes worked for you and your situation, it automatically follows that they should/would/will work equally as well for the OP if only he has the willpower and ethical fortitude to wait her out. That may or may not have been your intention, but that's certainly how it came across. Good intentions or not, that's simply not our call to make.

 

[newgentleguy]

How wonderful that you were able to turn things around in your marriage. And I mean that with all sincerity.

I think what's putting people off is the way you spoke in terms of absolutes. It's one thing to share/make suggestions based upon your own experiences and relate how you think they might be beneficial to the OP and his situation. It's quite another to suggest that because certain actions/methods/attitudes worked for you and your situation, it automatically follows that they should/would/will work equally as well for the OP if only he has the willpower and ethical fortitude to wait her out. That may or may not have been your intention, but that's certainly how it came across. Good intentions or not, that's simply not our call to make.

i hear you. and you're all right, i put it badly the first post and acknowledged that with my reply to erika..

moreover, i'm sorry to have disrupted this thread.