Sexless Marriage

[victorious]

Update

Hello everyone,
Haven't had a chance to post recently due to major changes at work- hours reduced, pay reduced- now seeking another full time position- am working on several leads.

I took the advice and got her in to see a doc. He sis an exam and ran some tests. Turns out there is nothing wrong with her- just anxiety and stress which is causing her to have the problems. He gave her and me some relaxation techniques to use, and some ideas of ways to change diet and eat better foods. We have both been doing this and we are finding we have less stress, and much more energy.

Thanks for everything, and especially now that we know with peace of mind that physically, she is okay.

 

[Noor]

Hello everyone,
Haven't had a chance to post recently due to major changes at work- hours reduced, pay reduced- now seeking another full time position- am working on several leads.

I took the advice and got her in to see a doc. He sis an exam and ran some tests. Turns out there is nothing wrong with her- just anxiety and stress which is causing her to have the problems. He gave her and me some relaxation techniques to use, and some ideas of ways to change diet and eat better foods. We have both been doing this and we are finding we have less stress, and much more energy.

Thanks for everything, and especially now that we know with peace of mind that physically, she is okay.

You told this dr about the previous brain tumor? They did a CT or MRI? Is she on anti-seizure drugs?

 

[victorious]

Response to your post

I was able to take her to see the same doc who did the original brain tumor surgery. He checked her out, did a CT and found that she was ok neurologically. He said that stress can cause people to become forgetful or have lapses in memory, or changes in moods.
I have to agree with him as I had the same thing happen to me several years ago when I was going through a life-changing and almost near-fatal illness.

You told this dr about the previous brain tumor? They did a CT or MRI? Is she on anti-seizure drugs?

 

[victorious]

Update

Hello everyone


Life is still good- communication lines are open and we are having fun in our marriage.

I hope it continues and that things do not change due to my getting a new job that will require me to do quite a lot of traveling and be away from hour for at least a week at a time. I will be home on the weekends, but traveling throughout California during the week. This is a dream job come true, and I hope my wife understands this.

I will call her every day and still keep our communications line open and active while I am away.

I will also make sure that she has everything she needs while I away during the week.

If any of you are in a similar job situation that requires you to be away for extended periods of time from home, I would appreciate any advice you might have as to how you handle this.

 

[meyersandtonic]

Skype... lots of phone sex

 

[SweetErika]

My husband is gone from late April/early May to September each year. Honestly, it's very rough on our marriage, but much of that has to do with his long hours and high stress level during his main travel period.

Anyway, before my husband leaves, he tries to get everything that I can't do easily done. While he's away, we try talk on the phone a lot (although we haven't been doing that this year because it seems to upset our toddler son), and Skype is a huge help. My husband works crazy hours outside of towns, but if you have time and your wife would appreciate it, take a moment to send her a card or do other little special things for her to show you're thinking about her when you're not there. This probably won't help you much, but I guess we're fortunate that his company picks up my travel expenses to go stay with my husband while he's within a reasonable drive (2.5-8 hours ) because they'd rather have him on the job than coming home more often and happier than not.

I think the other important thing is for your wife to connect with people and have a support system she can call on if she needs to while you're away. What can you guys do now to set up a schedule of friends and social activities for her so she's not lonely? Also, do you have friends, neighbors or family who could check in on her (surreptitiously, if necessary) and help if she needs anything that's out of her reach, or could you start making some connections like that?

Being home together is important, too. It helps for my husband to take on more responsibilities when he's home so I can have a break, and I get that doing stuff is kind of his way of showing affection. This past year, we tried to do a lot more fun stuff as a couple and family when he was home, and I think that's helped some, too. For us, a lot of the serious conversations get pushed off until he returns home, and I think those are important to have so stuff doesn't build up so much.

 

[victorious]

Response to your ideas

Sweet Erika,
As always, these are great suggestions you mentioned. Unlike your husband, I will still be fairly close by- less than 3 hours away, and will able to be home from Friday evening through Sunday Afternoon. I mainly will be gone during the week, and then home on weekends.
I hope that we can still work through this together.

My husband is gone from late April/early May to September each year. Honestly, it's very rough on our marriage, but much of that has to do with his long hours and high stress level during his main travel period.

Anyway, before my husband leaves, he tries to get everything that I can't do easily done. While he's away, we try talk on the phone a lot (although we haven't been doing that this year because it seems to upset our toddler son), and Skype is a huge help. My husband works crazy hours outside of towns, but if you have time and your wife would appreciate it, take a moment to send her a card or do other little special things for her to show you're thinking about her when you're not there. This probably won't help you much, but I guess we're fortunate that his company picks up my travel expenses to go stay with my husband while he's within a reasonable drive (2.5-8 hours ) because they'd rather have him on the job than coming home more often and happier than not.

I think the other important thing is for your wife to connect with people and have a support system she can call on if she needs to while you're away. What can you guys do now to set up a schedule of friends and social activities for her so she's not lonely? Also, do you have friends, neighbors or family who could check in on her (surreptitiously, if necessary) and help if she needs anything that's out of her reach, or could you start making some connections like that?

Being home together is important, too. It helps for my husband to take on more responsibilities when he's home so I can have a break, and I get that doing stuff is kind of his way of showing affection. This past year, we tried to do a lot more fun stuff as a couple and family when he was home, and I think that's helped some, too. For us, a lot of the serious conversations get pushed off until he returns home, and I think those are important to have so stuff doesn't build up so much.

 

[hunnyblonde]

I agree with Tom. I am a "newly wed"m just 10 year married, but we haven't had sex since Labor Day 2004. (But who's counting!)

Say what now? Good Lord in Heaven.... WTF is wrong with some women??

I'm married 10 years as well, and my rejection record is clean. Not a single one. I've been sick...I've been exhausted...I've been in pain...I've been in LABOR (which was one of the nicer memories actually, I initiated that one...) and not once have I given a serious answer of no when I knew he needed me.

It certainly helps to have a reasonable, loving spouse who doesn't ask during times when I'm overly taxed unless he really needs something... but if I can pull off that record, I think any woman can give it up for her husband at LEAST (ok I'm looking for a number that will sound reasonable to everyone here....) once a month? Bare minimum? I mean... Once a week is what I feel is minimum to survive but Christ sakes... if you can't be intimate with your life partner once a freakin' month... you've got some talking to do.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Eggerichs changed my life. Men. Need. Sex. They just do. Like women need love, they gotta have it. And I never completely understood that until I read that book. Buy the book, leave it lying around. She'll think you're working on meeting her needs, and she'll stumble across the chapter on sex. Do it man....NOW! I'm hurtin' for ya, and I'm a girl.

I just can't stand to see men alienated by their wives. Seriously... it's just not right.

 

[Cattypuss]

Say what now? Good Lord in Heaven.... WTF is wrong with some women??

I'm married 10 years as well, and my rejection record is clean. Not a single one. I've been sick...I've been exhausted...I've been in pain...I've been in LABOR (which was one of the nicer memories actually, I initiated that one...) and not once have I given a serious answer of no when I knew he needed me.

It certainly helps to have a reasonable, loving spouse who doesn't ask during times when I'm overly taxed unless he really needs something... but if I can pull off that record, I think any woman can give it up for her husband at LEAST (ok I'm looking for a number that will sound reasonable to everyone here....) once a month? Bare minimum? I mean... Once a week is what I feel is minimum to survive but Christ sakes... if you can't be intimate with your life partner once a freakin' month... you've got some talking to do.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Eggerichs changed my life. Men. Need. Sex. They just do. Like women need love, they gotta have it. And I never completely understood that until I read that book. Buy the book, leave it lying around. She'll think you're working on meeting her needs, and she'll stumble across the chapter on sex. Do it man....NOW! I'm hurtin' for ya, and I'm a girl.

I just can't stand to see men alienated by their wives. Seriously... it's just not right.

 

[doncarlos]

Say what now? Good Lord in Heaven.... WTF is wrong with some women??



The book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Eggerichs changed my life. Men. Need. Sex. They just do. Like women need love, they gotta have it. And I never completely understood that until I read that book. Buy the book, leave it lying around. She'll think you're working on meeting her needs, and she'll stumble across the chapter on sex. Do it man....NOW! I'm hurtin' for ya, and I'm a girl.

I just can't stand to see men alienated by their wives. Seriously... it's just not right.

A book with that title exists but seemingly not by that author. What gives?

 

[satindesire]

*Snip*

I just can't stand to see men alienated by their wives. Seriously... it's just not right.

And this is a perfect example of why OPs need to edit their first post to include information pertinent to their CURRENT situation. Because people will NOT read more than a few posts in to save their soul.

 

[gregy70]

Say what now? Good Lord in Heaven.... WTF is wrong with some women??

I'm married 10 years as well, and my rejection record is clean. Not a single one. I've been sick...I've been exhausted...I've been in pain...I've been in LABOR (which was one of the nicer memories actually, I initiated that one...) and not once have I given a serious answer of no when I knew he needed me.

It certainly helps to have a reasonable, loving spouse who doesn't ask during times when I'm overly taxed unless he really needs something... but if I can pull off that record, I think any woman can give it up for her husband at LEAST (ok I'm looking for a number that will sound reasonable to everyone here....) once a month? Bare minimum? I mean... Once a week is what I feel is minimum to survive but Christ sakes... if you can't be intimate with your life partner once a freakin' month... you've got some talking to do.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Eggerichs changed my life. Men. Need. Sex. They just do. Like women need love, they gotta have it. And I never completely understood that until I read that book. Buy the book, leave it lying around. She'll think you're working on meeting her needs, and she'll stumble across the chapter on sex. Do it man....NOW! I'm hurtin' for ya, and I'm a girl.

I just can't stand to see men alienated by their wives. Seriously... it's just not right.

I'll be lookin for that book!
Your attitude is amazing hunnyblonde

 

[gxnn]

body language advised

Well, it is inte resting to read your story at first and I feel bored after finishing the first page.
I am an Asian, to be exact, a Chinese living in mainland communist China, so I am a little different from the ones you meet in the US or other parts of the world.
All of you have made an easy job very complicated.
It is the duty and obligation of the wife to be sexually enjoyed by his legal husband, to give a good beating to her may have sounded too violent or uncivilized, but it would work.
Most Asian women are so cheap that they can only be treated with some domestic violence.
When you first took her to be your wife, you must have borne in your mind that she will fulfill your request and make your life satisfying, now she could not do so, then why hesitate to dump her? She has a heart of cold stone and ice, what is there to cherish?
Tell her to return where she is from and she will know the life could be so different if she did not make some sacrifice.
OK, don't just talk, sometimes she does not really understand the meaning of words, to give her a big slap in the face is better than a million words and it is the proper way to express and exercise equal right and equal sex.

 

[Black13]

Well, it is inte resting to read your story at first and I feel bored after finishing the first page.
I am an Asian, to be exact, a Chinese living in mainland communist China, so I am a little different from the ones you meet in the US or other parts of the world.
All of you have made an easy job very complicated.
It is the duty and obligation of the wife to be sexually enjoyed by his legal husband, to give a good beating to her may have sounded too violent or uncivilized, but it would work.
Most Asian women are so cheap that they can only be treated with some domestic violence.
When you first took her to be your wife, you must have borne in your mind that she will fulfill your request and make your life satisfying, now she could not do so, then why hesitate to dump her? She has a heart of cold stone and ice, what is there to cherish?
Tell her to return where she is from and she will know the life could be so different if she did not make some sacrifice.
OK, don't just talk, sometimes she does not really understand the meaning of words, to give her a big slap in the face is better than a million words and it is the proper way to express and exercise equal right and equal sex.

LOLOLOL!

But yeah, there's a point underneath all of that: if you're not getting what you want, look elsewhere.

 

[bailadora]

Well, it is inte resting to read your story at first and I feel bored after finishing the first page.
I am an Asian, to be exact, a Chinese living in mainland communist China, so I am a little different from the ones you meet in the US or other parts of the world.
All of you have made an easy job very complicated.
It is the duty and obligation of the wife to be sexually enjoyed by his legal husband, to give a good beating to her may have sounded too violent or uncivilized, but it would work.
Most Asian women are so cheap that they can only be treated with some domestic violence.
When you first took her to be your wife, you must have borne in your mind that she will fulfill your request and make your life satisfying, now she could not do so, then why hesitate to dump her? She has a heart of cold stone and ice, what is there to cherish?
Tell her to return where she is from and she will know the life could be so different if she did not make some sacrifice.
OK, don't just talk, sometimes she does not really understand the meaning of words, to give her a big slap in the face is better than a million words and it is the proper way to express and exercise equal right and equal sex.

And therein lies the difference....because in the US, slapping your wife around would get your ass hauled off by the police. For the most part, domestic violence is not tolerated here. And I, for one, am mighty thankful for that.

 

[satindesire]

Well, it is inte resting to read your story at first and I feel bored after finishing the first page.
I am an Asian, to be exact, a Chinese living in mainland communist China, so I am a little different from the ones you meet in the US or other parts of the world.
All of you have made an easy job very complicated.
It is the duty and obligation of the wife to be sexually enjoyed by his legal husband, to give a good beating to her may have sounded too violent or uncivilized, but it would work.
Most Asian women are so cheap that they can only be treated with some domestic violence.
When you first took her to be your wife, you must have borne in your mind that she will fulfill your request and make your life satisfying, now she could not do so, then why hesitate to dump her? She has a heart of cold stone and ice, what is there to cherish?
Tell her to return where she is from and she will know the life could be so different if she did not make some sacrifice.
OK, don't just talk, sometimes she does not really understand the meaning of words, to give her a big slap in the face is better than a million words and it is the proper way to express and exercise equal right and equal sex.

If "Equal Rights" to you means that you can beat someone up when they don't do what you want, does that mean I can come to your house and kick your ass for being a pathetic troll?

 

[gxnn]

but you need to teach her a lesson,anyway
I did not say to resort to domestic violence when both husband and wife can talk like adults.
Thank you for everybody to have suffered from and tolerated my primary school English,which is the mixture of the bad education of China and my own trouble in self-teaching.

I am absolutely a law-abiding citizen. I strictly observe the existing law and regulations.

I do not know exactly what is stipulated in the law of marriage of the USA, but there surely is clause to the effect that a wife should serve her husband or vice verse. So if one party fails to fulfil his or her obligation under the law, such as in this case, the wife refuses to sexually please her husband without any justification, does she not break the law?

Please note that it is after a long time of failed negotiation that we decide to use such primitive and uncivilized but necessary method,a final resort, so to speak, to help reason with the unreasonable wife.

We do not make it a matter of "ask not what your country can do for you", as in the case of my country, any small matter is to be inflated and played up to morality, but we just make it a case of "ask what you can do for your country", country here means your husband, that is the practice of the USA. Her husband has done a lot for her, so she must return the favor in the manner her husband desires (in this case some sexual pleasure, which, in my eyes, is hardly available now even she wishes to offer) despite her unwillingness.

 

[satindesire]

but you need to teach her a lesson,anyway
I did not say to resort to domestic violence when both husband and wife can talk like adults.
Thank you for everybody to have suffered from and tolerated my primary school English,which is the mixture of the bad education of China and my own trouble in self-teaching.

I am absolutely a law-abiding citizen. I strictly observe the existing law and regulations.

I do not know exactly what is stipulated in the law of marriage of the USA, but there surely is clause to the effect that a wife should serve her husband or vice verse. So if one party fails to fulfil his or her obligation under the law, such as in this case, the wife refuses to sexually please her husband without any justification, does she not break the law?

Please note that it is after a long time of failed negotiation that we decide to use such primitive and uncivilized but necessary method,a final resort, so to speak, to help reason with the unreasonable wife.

We do not make it a matter of "ask not what your country can do for you", as in the case of my country, any small matter is to be inflated and played up to morality, but we just make it a case of "ask what you can do for your country", country here means your husband, that is the practice of the USA. Her husband has done a lot for her, so she must return the favor in the manner her husband desires (in this case some sexual pleasure, which, in my eyes, is hardly available now even she wishes to offer) despite her unwillingness.

So this is a really long-winded way to say "Beat your wife up if she doesn't fuck you."

Nah, I'm gonna say beating your wife is NEVER an option FOR ANY REASON.

 

[bailadora]

I am absolutely a law-abiding citizen. I strictly observe the existing law and regulations.

I do not know exactly what is stipulated in the law of marriage of the USA, but there surely is clause to the effect that a wife should serve her husband or vice verse. So if one party fails to fulfil his or her obligation under the law, such as in this case, the wife refuses to sexually please her husband without any justification, does she not break the law?

As far as I am aware, there is currently no law in the US that requires a wife to have sex with her husband. In fact, if she says no and he forces himself on her anyway, it's considered spousal rape/assault and it is a crime (in all 50 states and in DC). It wasn't always this way, but the feminist movement was able to accomplish several positive changes in the area of women's rights.

Please note that it is after a long time of failed negotiation that we decide to use such primitive and uncivilized but necessary method,a final resort, so to speak, to help reason with the unreasonable wife.

We do not make it a matter of "ask not what your country can do for you", as in the case of my country, any small matter is to be inflated and played up to morality, but we just make it a case of "ask what you can do for your country", country here means your husband, that is the practice of the USA. Her husband has done a lot for her, so she must return the favor in the manner her husband desires (in this case some sexual pleasure, which, in my eyes, is hardly available now even she wishes to offer) despite her unwillingness.

At one time, cultural mores and expectations in the US were quite similar to what you describe above. But most women in the West got tired of being considered chattel and having no say over their own lives. They started campaigning for and winning the same rights and protection under the law that men have historically enjoyed. These days, the school of thought is that if either partner is that unhappy in their marriage, then they are free to leave the relationship. In the US, both legally and morally, domestic violence is not an acceptable course of action for ANY reason other than self defense. And even then, it can be tough to prove.

 

[gxnn]

Dear Satindesire,
Please do not say things like"never" or "for any reason", which sound childish and inexperienced, and most important of all, you cannot solve the problem by saying such silly things.
"Spare the rod and spoile the child" is something that a responsible parent would apply to his naughty and uncontrollable kid, which is very effective when other methods fail. But nobody expects the parent to injure, maim or kill the kid. What the paretn does is to teach the kid something useful for his healthy life in the future. A little pain may help a lot for the kid to keep good memory.
The key is the parent should know the extent he can go when he uses the rod.
Come back to this case, the husband can do something more than words only, but no permanent damage or incurable injury or blooding should be caused.

By the way, to beat one's own legal wife behind the closed door and to have outside force (like you said you go to my house to do so)beat my wife on my behalf are totally different and we strongly go aganist that.

OK, the guy who makes some silly complaints, if you do not repair your wife to some extent, like beat her, then you retire to beat meat, what else can you do?

 

[bailadora]

Dear Satindesire,
Please do not say things like"never" or "for any reason", which sound childish and inexperienced, and most important of all, you cannot solve the problem by saying such silly things.

Um, no. I understand that what she is saying makes no sense to you, due to your cultural background, expectations and mores. But given the expectations of behavior in the US, what she is saying is right on the money.

"Spare the rod and spoile the child" is something that a responsible parent would apply to his naughty and uncontrollable kid, which is very effective when other methods fail. But nobody expects the parent to injure, maim or kill the kid. What the paretn does is to teach the kid something useful for his healthy life in the future. A little pain may help a lot for the kid to keep good memory.
The key is the parent should know the extent he can go when he uses the rod.
Come back to this case, the husband can do something more than words only, but no permanent damage or incurable injury or blooding should be caused.

You're not going to win anyone over to your way of thinking with that analogy either, because using corporal punishment on one's child has fallen into disfavor here. Many experts in the area of child care now consider the practice barbaric and uncivilized. It's not yet to the point where there are nationwide laws against spanking a child, but some jurisdictions HAVE passed ordinances against it.

OK, the guy who makes some silly complaints, if you do not repair your wife to some extent, like beat her, then you retire to beat meat, what else can you do?

The expectation here is that each person takes responsibility for their own feelings. If he or she is not happy and satisfactory compromise cannot be achieved, then the moral and ethical option is to leave. There is no legal protection for domestic violence. Period.

 

[satindesire]

Dear Satindesire,
Please do not say things like"never" or "for any reason", which sound childish and inexperienced, and most important of all, you cannot solve the problem by saying such silly things.
"Spare the rod and spoile the child" is something that a responsible parent would apply to his naughty and uncontrollable kid, which is very effective when other methods fail. But nobody expects the parent to injure, maim or kill the kid. What the paretn does is to teach the kid something useful for his healthy life in the future. A little pain may help a lot for the kid to keep good memory.
The key is the parent should know the extent he can go when he uses the rod.
Come back to this case, the husband can do something more than words only, but no permanent damage or incurable injury or blooding should be caused.

By the way, to beat one's own legal wife behind the closed door and to have outside force (like you said you go to my house to do so)beat my wife on my behalf are totally different and we strongly go aganist that.

OK, the guy who makes some silly complaints, if you do not repair your wife to some extent, like beat her, then you retire to beat meat, what else can you do?

Uhm, no. Beating your wife is childish. I'm plenty experienced by just existing to know that domestic violence is never an option FOR. ANY. REASON. Period. End of discussion.

Here's what you do when your wife does something bad and you can't stand it. You fucking divorce her, and it's not that hard to figure out, you misogynist douchenozzle. If you had any lick of sense in your head you'd know that.

But go ahead and puff up your chest and peacock around like you're some kind of badass because you think it's okay to hit girls. Every woman over the age of seven will know that's just your tiny dick talking.

Now please do us both a favor and swallow a knife.

 

[Noor]

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Eggerichs changed my life. Men. Need. Sex. They just do. Like women need love, they gotta have it. And I never completely understood that until I read that book.

Maybe I am male?

 

[gxnn]

For the sake of problem-solving not in defense of unjustified violence

Please do not use hate words and do not act like you are uneducated or a dropout.
Please do not use hate words and do not act like you are uneducated or a dropout.

It takes a long time for me the half-educated to understand fully what you want to express.
Corproral punishment is forbidden in the US? What about the tons of SM literature and movies telling you how to get pleasure from the act?
When the guy asks for help and advice, what we are expected to do is to offer our help and to give our advice from our point of view.
Everything has its own advantage and disadvantage, like a coin of two sides. That is common sense, I am very sorry to try to be a teacher teaching a mother-in-law how to give birth to a son.

We often use the method of SWOT to analyze and to judge, and we learn this from the experts of the US.
In this case, we do the analysis of wife-beating as follows:
S: to get immediate positive response from the wife, making her aware of the real situation and forcing her to make the choice, however hard it should look, that is, you must do this or you get out of here.

W: to get legal problem, the husband may be charged with wife-beating and will spend some time in jail or lose some cash, or he may infuriate his wife and may get killed or poisoned by his wife after that unkonwingly.

O: the husband may know the wife better in a global manner, and in case his wife is the fan of SM, but always keeps silent as most Asian people do because they are self-concious, wow, the dooor of paradise is now open to him.

T:The husband may be condemned by whoever if the wife-beating is revealed, like now in this forum, and the risk of losing his own life is increasing after his little brother gets some relaxation and his offsprings are released from his pouch.

 

[bailadora]

Corproral punishment is forbidden in the US?

When used against one's spouse, yes. It is legally forbidden. When used with one's child, it is legally forbidden in SOME areas. In others, it is heavily frowned upon and the person who used it can be censored by his or her peers.

What about the tons of SM literature and movies telling you how to get pleasure from the act?

One of the key elements of BDSM is CONSENT. When two adults engage in such activities, it is (usually) understood that the terms have been pre-negotiated and that all parties agree to whatever is about to happen. When one person does NOT agree (either from the beginning or later changes his or her mind) and the other person continues anyway - that is called sexual assault. The marital status of the participants has no bearing on the matter. It is STILL a crime by US law.

When the guy asks for help and advice, what we are expected to do is to offer our help and to give our advice from our point of view.

To a certain extent, yes. But when your advice runs counter to the accepted behavior (legally, morally, and ethically) of another country, then it has no validity. The relationship "advice" you offer from the perspective of a male citizen of mainland China simply is not tolerated in the US. And since he is living here and not there, what you do in mainland China is immaterial. Since you claim to absolutely be a law abiding citizen, believe me when I say that what you advocate ABSOLUTELY puts the husband on the WRONG side of US law. You don't have to agree with or understand US customs, values or laws. But I would hope that you would have enough respect to quit pushing an agenda that does US citizens more harm than good.