Some venting, and then some questions

[Hotred911]

I posted on here a while back about intense drug evals and my brother. So, this will be a bit of an update, but also filled with more questions. Something I didn't clarify too well in the last thread...my brother is young, too young to quit school without my parents getting in trouble for it, so keep that in mind.

Okay, so he got started in an outpatient therapy program, great for him. He was also recently tested for depression and ADHD. Part if the treatment is a weekly UA, on random days of the week. He has to call in every morning, and if they're testing his assigned color he has to be there by 4:30. So, about two weeks ago he got tested on a Tuesday. They called my mom on Friday and told her he had tested positive....for COKE! He says he just tasted it...I don't know. Last Wednesday when my mom went to pick him up from is group therapy he wasn't there. He had been there, as she had dropped him off. And the group leader said he didn't come back from one of their breaks. My mom reported him as a runaway. Then Thursday she gets a call from the local cops, they had found her runaway....in a stolen car. Lucky for him he wasn't driving.

Saturday night my mom wanted/needed to go out with some friends, so she brought my brother over here. I had a chance to talk to him, although he isn't one to talk easily. I told him I was scared for him, and that he could call anytime, day or night, and that he was also welcome here anytime. I set a few rules to it, telling him if he shows up here the first thing I'll do is call my mom and let her know he's here. I also insured him that anything he tells me I'll keep to myself, unless it's something I think my mom needs to know about. He seemed okay about it, and told me that he had wanted to come over here the night he left group.

Fast forward to today. About half an hour ago I got a call from my mom asking if I'd heard from him. I hadn't of course, I would have called her right away. She then tells me he wasn't at school all day, wasn't there when my other brother went to pick him up, and wasn't sure if he was at group or not. She said if he wasn't home by 10:30 she'd report him as a runaway again.

Okay so maybe I just needed to get it out of me, but I do have a few questions.

1.) Does anyone know how long a student can be absent from school, unexcused, before the school steps in and reports it to the police, who will then go after my parents? If it wasn't for one class that my dad signed him into on Friday, he would have missed 7 straight days of school.

2.) Any ideas on what my parents or we as a family can do? My dad has finally had to actually live with this long enough he's ready to lock up my brother, my mom's been ready for years.

Guess that's it....thanks for listening, and I'm open to any suggestions.

 

[sheath]

1.) Does anyone know how long a student can be absent from school, unexcused, before the school steps in and reports it to the police, who will then go after my parents? If it wasn't for one class that my dad signed him into on Friday, he would have missed 7 straight days of school.

2.) Any ideas on what my parents or we as a family can do? My dad has finally had to actually live with this long enough he's ready to lock up my brother, my mom's been ready for years.

Guess that's it....thanks for listening, and I'm open to any suggestions.

I can answer your question about school, if that will help. I wish I could help with the rest.

It varies depending on the state. In Tennessee, for lower grades, truancy is five days...anything over that and the parents are subject to being called before a judge. It seems that no matter what your state laws are, your brother is testing the limits at this point when it comes to truancy.

The first thing your parents need to do is sit down with the principal and the superintendent. Bring the missing reports, the eval reports, and explain that this situation is really getting out of their hands. Make sure that meeting gets on the record. If they are called before a judge, they can point out that they have done everything possible, and that controlling their son has become impossible...then, perhaps, the truancy judge can make something more happen. Maybe even work to have your brother put under some form of house arrest or into a temporary detention.

Good luck to you.

S.

 

[Hotred911]

Thank you sheath.

I knew asking here would be good, as someone else always comes up with something that I hadn't thought of yet. I'll be sure to suggest a meeting such as this to my mom the next time I talk to her.

 

[lovechild27]

wow...i have no advice...but HUGS~ to you and your family

 

[Lou Nuttick]

1.) Does anyone know how long a student can be absent from school, unexcused, before the school steps in and reports it to the police, who will then go after my parents? If it wasn't for one class that my dad signed him into on Friday, he would have missed 7 straight days of school.

2.) Any ideas on what my parents or we as a family can do? My dad has finally had to actually live with this long enough he's ready to lock up my brother, my mom's been ready for years.

Guess that's it....thanks for listening, and I'm open to any suggestions.

The answer to both depends on where you live. In some jurisdictions, there's very little you can do. One single mother I know has a similar problem, except that her son had actually been seen burgling and caught with the merchandise. He was sent to reform school briefly, but was sent home due to overcrowding. The list of his transgressions is staggering, but because he's been careful not to cross the line into a major felony, the county he lives in refuses to do anything.

The most frustrating part of it all is that there's almost nothing she can do. If she tries corporal punishment and he files a complaint, she stands to be arrested for child abuse. He's even stolen a car, crashing into another and injuring the passengers. (The suit is pending and she stands to lose what little she has.) The police called her at 2 am and told her to come pick her son up. She said to leave him there, and they told her if she didn't pick him up, she'd be charged with abandonment. The police don't even bother to arrest him for theft any more, because the know the courts will just release him again. They've admitted they're just waiting for him to turn 18 so they can arrest him with some hope that he'll actually do time. It's a district where bleeding-heart liberalism run rampant; why she refuses to move is beyond me.

I think your brother, like this woman's son, is past the age where he can be taught values. All that's left is to show him that there are actions and consequences. Unfortunately, I don't think your parents have the wherewithal to administer the consequences in a meaningful way.

So what can they do? If they can afford it, send him to a boarding school. Preferably one that's run like a boot camp. If they can't afford it, some of the western states (presuming you're in the U.S.) run a similar boot camp for juveniles; if they live where that exists, perhaps they can have him sent there. If not, there's reform school or a juvenile home, though that's a cure that's often worse than the disease. It doesn't sound as if he's sunk to the point where that is the only alternative, though that may not be far off, if he continues as he is.

I wish you and your family the best of luck with a very difficult situation.

-Lou

 

[Missingmeds]

The only answer that I have is a very strict military school.

The only other thing that I can think of is that your parents go to court and have him declared incorrigible and give the state custody.

I would go with the military school.

I wish all of you all the luck in the world. But I will tell you this. Until HE wants to get clean, there will be no clean. HE needs to be away from the people that he knows. If he tested positive for cocaine then he is not ready and all the "groups" in the world won't help.

 

[knight88]

rough

Rough it is for you and all your family.. He thinks the world is all there for him... I would reccommend that you or other family immediately contact an organization called Toughlove.. they have helped a few friends with similar issues, its difficult but helps keep YOU sane,, good luck, my prayers are with you

 

[Hotred911]

Thanks to all for the support and advice, it does help.

My mom has wanted to send him to a military or boarding type school for some time. The only problem was she couldn't afford it herself, and my father refused, thinking it wasn't that bad. But now that he's HAD to be more involved I think he's ready. He wants to send him to a private christian school near where he lives. This might be okay, but I know from talking to people that went to school there that things are just as bad, and there's kids that go there just like the friends he has now.

My mom won't do the corporal punishment thing...it just doesn't work on him, she tried when he was a bit younger. Nothing too serious, but enough it got the point across to any of us other kids.

I'll have to look up that Toughlove place, and then suggest my mom do the same.

Thanks again to all, and I'm always open to more suggestions.

 

[Guest]

 

[Hotred911]

Thanks Hooch

He has been seeing a counselor, outside of the one that runs his group therapy. They set some goals for him and his next appointment is in a week or two.

I called my mom this morning about 9, and she hadn't seen or heard from him. I asked if there was anywhere I could go look for him since I'm home during the day, and she said I could go by her house and his school. Why he always go to the school I have no idea, it's not like he goes to class when he gets there. Anyway, I drove to her house first, about a 5-10 minute drive. No sign of him there. I then went by the school, driving slowly the whole way and looking closely at every person I saw. No luck.

I came back home and called my mom back, she said she's gonna change the locks on her door after she gets home from work. I'm just hoping he'll come home safely soon. We can handle the rest of the situation after that.

I suggested my mom check out that toughlove place. They'll only give out so much info over the net, you gotta request more, and since I'm only his sister, not his parent I figured I wouldn't have much luck. She said she'd look into it, so we'll see what she thinks of it.

Thanks again guys!

 

[Bobmi357]

Its stories like this that make me glad I was raised in an era where it was ok to spank your kids.

In my day if we screwed up, we knew we'd have a close encounter with Dad's belt when he got home. Now days if you so much as look cross eyed at your kids, your kids, or your neighbors can file abuse charges against you.

I pity today's parents. Hell I pity today's kids even more. They are being raised in many cases without any moral guidance except what they see on TV.

Hotred, your brother needs help, but not the kind of help where someone pats him on the back and murmurs "There there". He needs someone in his face screaming at him, someone that isn't afraid to haul off and knock his lights out. He doesn't need, nor will he benefit from any sort of "christian school", he'll only run circles around them. He needs a military style school. One where he's run ragged and sleep is the only drug he's interested in. If your parents can't afford that, then its time to look into the ultimate recourse. Believe it or not, in this country a parent or parents can voluntarily reliquinish all parental rights to the government. At least in that way, your parents won't be held fiscally liable for the mess he's making.

Tough love means you love someone, but refuse to let them run or ruin your lives. Up to and including saying "Your on your own, I wash my hands of you. If you get your act together and cleaned up, you will be welcomed back into the family, but until then, YOU ARE DEAD TO US".

 

[Hotred911]

Thanks Bobmi.

I would love to get in his face, yell at him, etc., but I'm an adult, and would hate for him to press charges against me. I do have another brother who is older than him, yet not an adult yet...hmm. Part of that problem is we think some of his actions are because he's never lived up to this other brother. He's daddys' boy, the first son, great grades, all for sports, everything my youngest brother is not. And him and my dad have never had a good relationship partly because of this.

Before when my dad refused to see the problems I had considered writing a story to one of the many talk shows out there. My mom had lost hope, I think she still has, and I didn't know how else to help her. I was thinking something like Maury where they have some boot camp guy come in and yell at them and then take the trouble kids to a camp for a week or two. By the end all were crying, and on updates most had changed their ways for the better. The only reason I never wrote was because I wasn't sure my mom would appreciate it. There's also that Judge Hachett(sp?) show where parents "sue" their teen kids and the judge sends them to appropriate camps, ect. Maybe I'll ask her about if she'd mind. I'm sure they'd send her on a little vacation to help her get some "me time." Who knows, just may work.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I dont know how old your brother is, but in some states, after a certain age a teenager can choose to live on their own. I'm not saying that your mom should kick him out, but if it comes to a last resort and you cant get help elsewhere, it may be the only option left. I know it helped a few guys I went to high school with. He actually finished school while working a full time job at night. He told me one day that he'd wished that htings could be different for him now but it was his mistake and he is paying for it now, but he is glad his parents did what they did.

 

[Hotred911]

My mom has tried making him live with my dad, but it didn't last long. The first time he ran away she told me she was thinking about telling him he if he wasn't going to go to school he should get a job because she wasn't going to pay for anything for him, but she can't do that because of him not being 16. She has quit cooking, doing his laundry, and anything else for him because "she doesn't feel like it," his excuse for not going to school.

I called about half an hour ago, and she hadn't heard anything, so I asked if she'd call if she did. It's just so hard knowing someone you love that's that young, is out there on the streets doing who knows what.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I can only begin to imagine what you all are going through. If he's still missing, I would say report him as a runaway again, or at least that he's just missing. That way if he shows up somewhere they'll have someone to contact when he's been found. At that point though, I would probably request some help from someone outside the family, like the department of children and families (or whatever it's called there). Something has to be done and if they cant figure out what to do, then maybe there is someone outside the family that can help.

 

[Hotred911]

Well he's home. My mom called and said he had just showed up. An ex-girlfriend of his walked him home. We used to think that maybe she wasn't the best for him, but after learning that she has been trying to get him to school and such, she may be really good for him.

He told my mom he was just hanging out and enjoying the weather (it has been really nice the last couple of days), and that he stayed the night with a friend of a friend.

I don't know what her next step is, she left a message on the answering machine and when I called back she was talking with him. I just hope and pray he'll come to his senses so we can get him the help he needs.

Thanks again to all that replied. I've been passing on the info to my mom, and I know that she's looked into some of it more.