Swinger's Clubs?

[CuriousnFun4650]

We are thinking about going to a local club. We would like as much information or personal experience from those who go or are active in the lifestyle.

What are the do's and do not's, what are the pitfalls for newbies and any other advice you have.

Give us the good and the bad. We want everything.

 

[Miles Long]

We are thinking about going to a local club. We would like as much information or personal experience from those who go or are active in the lifestyle.

What are the do's and do not's, what are the pitfalls for newbies and any other advice you have.

Give us the good and the bad. We want everything.

While you're waiting for answers, use the search function on the threads. This question has been asked a fair number of times before and received lots of good answers. I recommend browsing those threads while you wait for the swingers to find this one and offer their advice.

 

[hapigirl]

I'll try to answer any questions you have. Let me ask you a few questions also. What is your interest level? Are you looking for soft swap or full swap? Are you interested in a threesome, MFM, FFM or a foursome?

I swing as a single, bi-sexual woman. Occasionally my boyfriend goes with me, but even then we tend to play separately and in separate rooms. It is rare for us to find a couple we are both interested in and I'm not having sex with the swamp thing just because my boyfriend thinks the wife is hot. Therefore, it is easier for us to find partners for the night swinging as singles.

#1 Make sure you are emotionally ready to bring this into your marriage. This lifestyle isn't for people who have problems in their marriage. This lifestyle won't help repair anything in your marriage.

#2 Make sure one partner is not agreeing to swing to keep the other one happy or to keep them from leaving. Resentment in this lifestyle will kill your marriage.

#3 Do not believe the myth that swingers do not cheat. It is not true. Swinging does not cheat-proof a marriage and swingers are no more perfect than anyone else. They do not hold the key to marital bliss, but don't tell them that.

#4 Remember that not everyone in a swing club is a swinger, and everyone is at a different level in their experience with the lifestyle.

#5 Also be aware that jealousy is alive and well in swinger's clubs. Everyone plays at a different level and has different rules. Jealousy brings drama and drama is a mood killer every time.

#6 If you intend to have sex with people the same night you meet them, remember you do not know who you're having sex with (that can be the best part). It also means you do not know if they are solid in their relationship or if they are trying to fix their problems with sex. It means you could get into a room with someone and have all hell break loose.

#7 Be very clear about your rules for playing with your partners. No one wants a surprise halfway through a sex-fest.

If you are not 100% positive this is what you want, keep talking and then talk some more. Do not do this if you are not certain. I say this not only for the sake of your relationship, but also for the sake of the innocent people you are going to bring into your drama.

I could keep going, but I'll wait for you to expound on what your intentions are for going to a swinger's club. I've been going since last fall and I go at least twice a month. You couldn't get me back into a vanilla club.

Let me know if you have questions or if you want my experiences, good or bad.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

Thanx hapi, that's a lot of info. We are mainly looking for FFM or possibly couples play. My wife isn't sure she wants to play with another man yet, but she is interested in playing with women. We've talk a lot about what we are comfortable with. We will have to take it step-by-step, because she isn't sure she can see me fucking another woman or giving another woman oral. She is ok with kissing and touching between me and another woman.

We plan to go and see what happens with no expectations.

How much drama have you seen at the club you go to? Can you tell us what that drama is exactly? How do you avoid it or what do you do if it happens? We didn't think about that part of it.

Are condoms required at the clubs? Do we need to bring our own?

You said we need to have rules in place and talk about them with our partners. Can I ask what your rules are and how you bring them up?

We also didn't think about people with marriage problems being at the clubs. It's one more thing we need to consider.

 

[djyak]

Although we haven't swapped yet, not sure if we ever will, we have really enjoyed the swingers clubs, and all of the great friends we've met there. We had discussed going to someplace like this for a long, long time, and we're pretty adventerous anyway. We had a great time, everyone was fantastic, not pushy at all.

Like I said, we didn't swap, but we did fuck in front of others, and did give them permission to touch us...............and it was incredible!

There are couples we've met there, same deal as us. They like to go and spice things up, some are just there to socialize and enjoy the erotic atmosphere.

Just remember to communicate all the time, and know each others' limits before going into a place like this. Once it happens, you can't take it back.

And Hapigirl, pretty much summed up everything, I just thought I'd add our own touch to it

Tifani

 

[hapigirl]

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Drama is present in swing clubs but I don't deal with it every time I go. I have had a few instances during FFM play that the wife became jealous even though we were staying within the parameters the couple had set up. Once it ended with her yelling at me. I got dressed, left the room and let her turn her anger to her husband. Another time the wife burst into tears and ran out of the room.

The other time was one of the few times my boyfriend and I were playing with another couple. It was supposed to be mainly her and I playing. My boyfriend and I are full swap, but they agreed that he could only kiss and touch me, no oral or intercourse. The other man was ok with my boyfriend giving his wife oral, but no intercourse. My boyfriend was tending to her and her husband and I were touching and kissing. Then he started going down on me, so I got her attention and asked if she was ok with it. All hell broke loose and my boyfriend and I could not get out of there quickly enough. She exploded in a jealous rage.

I have gotten better at vetting my playmates. I will not play with couples who have too many rules, especially if the rules apply more to one partner than the other. That is a big red flag for jealousy issues. I take time to watch people I'm interested in and how they interact with each other. Is there mutual respect? Is one more timid? Does it appear they need to drink in order to play?

If I find myself in the middle of drama, I simply walk out. Their marriage/relationship problems are none of my business.

I have very few rules. The most important is that I practice safe sex, except for oral. The only man allowed to cum in my mouth is my boyfriend and I will only do anal with him also. If I'm approached by a couple I'm very straightforward and ask what their rules are. I am very picky about who I have sex with and couples with too many rules no longer make the cut. The more rules, the more potential for jealousy and drama.

Clubs do not require condom use, but I do. They are readily available at the clubs I go to and I also bring my own.

Go at your own pace and don't have sex unless you are both completely comfortable with the situation. It's a great atmosphere and if you don't have sex at the club, I guarantee you'll go home and have great sex anyway.

That reminds me, do not expect sex at the club to be the best sex you have ever had. It almost never is. I have had anywhere from decent to mind-blowing. Usually it is somewhere in between.

Have fun and be safe!

 

[nakdsub]

When I was a press photographer...

I was called to a swing club because a member was shot by another member, that's drama.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

Thanx everyone for the advice and input.

We have a lot to think about. If I can get my wife to go to a swinger's club with me I think it will help her to be sexier with me. I would definitely like to spice up our sex life.

Miles, I did search for the other threads. Thanx

 

[SweetErika]

Thanx everyone for the advice and input.

We have a lot to think about. If I can get my wife to go to a swinger's club with me I think it will help her to be sexier with me. I would definitely like to spice up our sex life.

Miles, I did search for the other threads. Thanx

IMO, you are really asking for trouble with this attitude. You shouldn't have to get your wife to go to a club with you - if it's truly a good idea for her and your marriage, she should be all for it, totally willing to initiate it, etc.

If you want to spice up your sex life, communicate with your wife. Invite her to this site to find some stories you both enjoy and look for ideas. Check out The Blank Manual sticky and other forums together to see if anything sparks her interest and your interest as a couple.

In short, you need a rock-solid foundation to swing, and it sounds like you don't have that at this point. Therefore, you need to work on your sex life and relationship together, before you even consider adding other people to the mix.

On the F/F front, if your wife is seriously interested in being with another woman, you could always support her in seeking that experience on her own. My husband has/does, and our relationship is certainly better for his generosity. It's important to realize that F/F and FFM sex are two completely different animals: once that male energy is present (yes, even if a man is just there/watching), the experience changes dramatically. Both can be a lot of fun and really great, but if your wife is looking to explore with a woman, she's likely best off doing just that. She may very well feel even more overwhelmed and not get any kind of accurate read on her own experience if you are there, any other men are there and/or the experience is in the context of a situation she's not entirely comfortable with (e.g. swinging, a public playspace). Again, I'd advise talking with your wife and getting her honest opinions on the issue(s). Maybe take swinging off the table and ask what her ideal experience would be like. Ask if that experience would be any different if she were a single woman looking to explore with another woman.

Finally, you might check out SwingersBoard. I haven't been there for a while, but the last time I had questions, I received extremely friendly, helpful replies. If your wife is interested in swinging at any point, that type of environment would probably be great resource for her so she can ask her own questions as well.

 

[hapigirl]

I agree with Erika. Your first few posts were full of *we* and then the last one was *I*.

If your wife really wants to explore with a woman, allow her to go at her pace, in her own way.

If this is about you getting a spiced up sex life, listen to Erika and talk to your wife. I am willing to bet you have decided you are not getting enough sex or the right kind of sex at home, and this is your solution to the problem. If this is what is going on then you are manipulating your wife. For all we know, you encouraging your wife to try a FFM is your way of having sex with another woman.

If you are having issues with your sex life at home, you cannot fix it at a swinger's club. You have to be 100% solid in your relationship before you introduce other people into your bed.

You have no business being in a swing club if your wife is not 100% on board. This lifestyle is not a joke. The person or people you bring into a room with you will also be effected if worse comes to worse during your play.

Tirade over.

 

[Runr4Life]

Erika said it pretty good right there. You have to make sure you communicate with her, and make sure it's what you both want, not just you. That'll be trouble for sure, and no taking it back once it happens.

I've met with couples before that also had too many rules, and that spells trouble. One couple I met with for dinner, the husband was doing all the talking, not her, and when I asked what she thought of all of us together, she never gave me a straight answer, just kept looking at her husband. I declined the threesome then and there.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Role play some if you want, watch videos, even visit a club with absolutely no intentions of sharing or sex, but to get a feel for it. You can just stay in the lounge area and chat with others.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

Whoa. I see nothing wrong with helping my wife be more sexual. It is a part of our marriage I'm not willing to live without. Flame me all you want, but her no longer being interested in an active sex life is not going to fly with me.

I am talking to her about it. It's an open dialogue, but it's also not negotiable for me anymore.

Thanx for the replies.

 

[djyak]

Whoa. I see nothing wrong with helping my wife be more sexual. It is a part of our marriage I'm not willing to live without. Flame me all you want, but her no longer being interested in an active sex life is not going to fly with me.

I am talking to her about it. It's an open dialogue, but it's also not negotiable for me anymore.

Thanx for the replies.

Just me, no expert by any means here............but I see therapy, not swinging as an answer......

Just my thoughts........

Tifani

 

[SweetErika]

Whoa. I see nothing wrong with helping my wife be more sexual. It is a part of our marriage I'm not willing to live without. Flame me all you want, but her no longer being interested in an active sex life is not going to fly with me.

I am talking to her about it. It's an open dialogue, but it's also not negotiable for me anymore.

Thanx for the replies.

You're right, there's nothing wrong with helping your wife be more sexual. We're just pointing out that swinging is not the way to go about that if your sex life and/or relationship is already in disrepair. Even going to swingers' clubs is a dangerous proposition if it's not something your wife is completely comfortable with and gung-ho about. Trying to get your wife int clubs, threesomes, etc., will very likely not only bring drama, it could irreparably damage whatever work you've already done together and your marriage. We're not flaming you, we're cautioning you against things based on our knowledge and experiences.

It's great you're communicating about the issue, and hopefully you have/will follow djyak's advice of seeking therapy as well.

 

[Riles]

Whoa. I see nothing wrong with helping my wife be more sexual. It is a part of our marriage I'm not willing to live without. Flame me all you want, but her no longer being interested in an active sex life is not going to fly with me.

I am talking to her about it. It's an open dialogue, but it's also not negotiable for me anymore.

Thanx for the replies.

I'm not going to flame you, but I think you could use this thread as a pro-active tool to helping you communicate more effectively with your wife. There are a lot of women who are willing to openly discuss their thoughts/feelings and experiences when it isn't being used as wank material. Afterall, we of the female gender tend to think very much alike, and a smart man knows this and uses it to his advantage.

How about you tell us about this:

"...but her no longer being interested in an active sex life..."

What created this thought process, and is it hers or yours?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I've read the posts here, and while much of the advice is spot on, some of it is a tad skewed. I have a few additional thoughts to add.

First, unless your wife is interested in the fantasy, it just isn't going to work out for you. It isn't necessarily the case that your interest level must be identical, but she has to be interested enough to participate willingly. If you insist on dragging her somewhere she doesn't want to go, you are going to be disappointed.

Second, clubs are not the best place to find a single bi-female for an MFF. We have visited several clubs in our area, which is more or less a hotbed for swinging in the US, and at each of these clubs single females were present, but not nearly enough to satisfy the demand. There's a reason why they are called "golden unicorns." I'm not saying that you won't be successful; rather, I'm saying that the odds are stacked against you.

Third, you should be aware that there are basically two types of clubs in the US--on-premises and off-premises. At an off-premises club, swingers meet, dance, flirt, and make arrangements to hook up somewhere else. An on-premises club, on the other hand, will have an area that is very much like an ordinary club, and a separate area where sexual activity is taking place. Sometimes the activity can spill over into the club area, but it is generally confined to the play areas. Make sure you know what kind of club you are going to before you pay the membership fee.

Fourth, we have been swinging for over ten years. In that time, we have witnessed very little drama at clubs. In fact, the drama was negligible. We have encountered couples and straying husbands who were overly persistent, but that was the extent of our direct experience. On a very few occasions we saw other couples arguing, but we weren't close enough to hear the substance of their disagreements.

Fifth, we only play together, and only with other full swap couples. That could be the reason for so little drama. We didn't start out that way, but evolved to that position over time. Most of the frustration we have witnessed has been due to couples with limits having trouble with those limits. This is especially the case when the limits are asymmetrical.

For the most part, it has been our experience that couples who are full swap and couples who are 100% nonswap seem to have the most fun.

It doesn't sound to me that the two of you are really prepared for a club. That's ok. Work up to it. Schedule a meeting with similar couples outside a club, or with a single female if you can find one. We have more fun at private parties--look into those, as well. Of course, the opportunities available to you depend to some extent on where you are located. NY, Miami, Dallas and Las Vegas have thriving swinging communities. Other large cities are less thriving, but opportunities nonetheless exist. If you are in a rural area, well, good luck. You will probably have to travel.

 

[hapigirl]

Sofla added some good information. He's spot on that finding a single woman for a threesome is not your best bet in a club setting. I go to on-premise clubs (most times) and on any night there are 2-3 single women, it's not unusual for me to be the only one.

I also agree with him that when it is a full swap situation I do not run into drama. It's the jealousy that brings the drama. The more rules a couple has the more jealousy issues lie beneath the surface. It's the reason I steer clear of soft swap couples, especially with a list of rules the length of my arm. If the rules apply to mainly the husband, I run in the opposite direction, I've learned my lesson.

Flame me all you want, but her no longer being interested in an active sex life is not going to fly with me.

I am talking to her about it. It's an open dialogue, but it's also not negotiable for me anymore.

It isn't about flaming you. Read what you posted. "...is not going to fly with me....not negotiable for me anymore." It sounds as though you have given your wife an ultimatum. I could be wrong, but if sex is that big of a problem in your marriage, adding a third or fourth person is not the answer. If you really want your wife to explore her sexuality (or bi-sexuality) let her do it her way. You can try to manipulate her into it, but it won't last unless she really is interested and willing.

It does not sound to me like your marriage is 100% solid, so my opinion is you have no business bringing in an innocent person/people into your sex life.

It's also very telling to me that we haven't heard from your wife yet.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

I'm not going to flame you, but I think you could use this thread as a pro-active tool to helping you communicate more effectively with your wife. There are a lot of women who are willing to openly discuss their thoughts/feelings and experiences when it isn't being used as wank material. Afterall, we of the female gender tend to think very much alike, and a smart man knows this and uses it to his advantage.

How about you tell us about this:

"...but her no longer being interested in an active sex life..."

What created this thought process, and is it hers or yours?

She isn't interested in sex more than once every week or two.

Thanx again for the input everyone. I'm not sure I agree that we need to be 100% solid to go to a swinger's club to try things out. If it opens her up to what needs to happen in our marriage, I don't see how it can hurt.

 

[Eilan]

She isn't interested in sex more than once every week or two.

Thanx again for the input everyone. I'm not sure I agree that we need to be 100% solid to go to a swinger's club to try things out. If it opens her up to what needs to happen in our marriage, I don't see how it can hurt.

Uh, yeah. If she's not interested in having sex with you more than once every week or so, what makes you think she's truly interested in adding more people to the mix? There's nothing wrong with wanting to spice up a relationship, but given the little bit of information you've provided in this thread, I think your approach to this "problem" has the potential to be a huge clusterfuck.

You both need to work on what "needs to happen" in your marriage as a couple before you even think about bringing other people into the mix. To do otherwise isn't fair to you or your wife, and it sure as hell isn't fair to the woman or couple that might get involved in your relationship.

 

[SweetErika]

She isn't interested in sex more than once every week or two.

Thanx again for the input everyone. I'm not sure I agree that we need to be 100% solid to go to a swinger's club to try things out. If it opens her up to what needs to happen in our marriage, I don't see how it can hurt.

I think we're all probably stumbling on how going to a club will open your wife up to having more sex with you on a regular basis. Your wife already knows what happens at a club, no? So how is seeing that (especially even somewhat reluctantly) going to help your marriage?

Why bring swinging into it all, when things like communication, resolving any physical issues (e.g. a hormonal imbalance that could be causing a lower libido), and therapy are far more likely to be effective? Is your aim to give her an ultimatum, push her into allowing you to have sex with others, or not?

 

[Riles]

I think we're all probably stumbling on how going to a club will open your wife up to having more sex with you on a regular basis. Your wife already knows what happens at a club, no? So how is seeing that (especially even somewhat reluctantly) going to help your marriage?

Why bring swinging into it all, when things like communication, resolving any physical issues (e.g. a hormonal imbalance that could be causing a lower libido), and therapy are far more likely to be effective? Is your aim to give her an ultimatum, push her into allowing you to have sex with others, or not?

It's funny, all through this thread, you have written nearly the exact response my brain was formulating.

...quick, what are we thinking NOW?

 

[bailadora]

What happens if she discovers she likes sex better with other people? If you think it's not a possibility, you're fooling yourself. Just a couple days of days ago, I was reading a thread on the Fetish board where a guy encouraged his wife to hook up with her ex bf. Yeah - turns out she liked it a little TOO much, the OP got his feelings hurt and now he's filed for divorce.

I also happen to know of a couple who entered swinging to "spice" up their sex lives. This was mostly at her husband's urging. Yeah - they ended up divorcing as well. It wasn't about them as a couple - it was all about him, what he wanted and her feelings be damned.

Are you really sure you want to open this Pandora's box?

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

I think we're all probably stumbling on how going to a club will open your wife up to having more sex with you on a regular basis. Your wife already knows what happens at a club, no? So how is seeing that (especially even somewhat reluctantly) going to help your marriage?

Why bring swinging into it all, when things like communication, resolving any physical issues (e.g. a hormonal imbalance that could be causing a lower libido), and therapy are far more likely to be effective? Is your aim to give her an ultimatum, push her into allowing you to have sex with others, or not?

I am not pushing her into allowing me to have sex with others. I don't see what I'm asking for as an ultimatum, either. This is an ongoing issue for us and she will change or I will consider my options.

Baila, I'm not worried about her finding better sex. Divorce is a possibility for us. If the swinger's club or some other arrangement does not turn her around sexually for the long term, it's a detour on the road to divorce.

It's up to her now. She knows what she needs to do to keep me fulfilled and I'm willing to help her get there.

 

[bailadora]

Divorce is a possibility for us.

Have you said as much to her? Is it clear to her that if she doesn't work with you to find some sort of compromise, your marriage is quitsville?

The reason I ask is because I have been the one with the low libidio. And while I had very good reasons (I think) for that low libido, I didn't realize how badly it was affecting my relationship with my husband until he sat me down and point blank said - "I love you. But I'm not happy and something has to change." My husband says he tried to talk to me about it several times before, but somehow the message he was trying to convey was not the message I received. Sometimes you have to be this blunt. It wasn't until I realized I could lose him that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I got some medical attention, we both went to counseling and we both agreed upon a solution.

There are still times when one of us is frisky and the other is not interested, but overall things are much better than they were before. And that's not just my perception, because I make it a point to periodically outright ask!

I dunno - maybe it's just me, but if you've already made up your mind that it's your way or the highway, it just seems like the kinder thing to do would be to end it now. Then you can move on with your life and she can move on with hers.

 

[Noor]

I am not pushing her into allowing me to have sex with others. I don't see what I'm asking for as an ultimatum, either. This is an ongoing issue for us and she will change or I will consider my options.

Baila, I'm not worried about her finding better sex. Divorce is a possibility for us. If the swinger's club or some other arrangement does not turn her around sexually for the long term, it's a detour on the road to divorce.

It's up to her now. She knows what she needs to do to keep me fulfilled and I'm willing to help her get there.

I have heard this before and it didn't end well. Usually both people need to change, and if you start with yourself, she may respond by changing.

Ultimatums generally don't work in the long run, mutually resolving issue is the only way to go forward. Often understanding and agreeing on the problem is the first step.

I doubt very much that swinging is going get you more sex