Swinger's Clubs?

[Noor]

I don't think you people are getting it. I have wined and dined her, I have talked and talked to her about what she wants and I what I want, I have asked her to initiate more, I have begged, I have listened to her and given her what she has asked me for. I have tried everything and it never lasts for more than a few months tops.

I don't think I am asking for too much.

Does what you do to woo her ever last more than a few months?

 

[Noor]

Hey oblivious idiot, we've been there for quite awhile now. It's not new. And in fact, we have many friends who have been there, are still there, and even have gone BEFORE getting married! As for bringing drama anywhere - but especially a club or into other people's lives - we have never and will never. My point was, we made sure we were happy, stable, and communicating clearly and honestly with one another BEFORE we even thought about bringing anything new or anyone else into the situation. Boy, you sure are thick.

What part of *I am leaving if I don't get what I want* is a happy stable couple?

 

[hapigirl]

My goodness, this has turned into quite the pissing match (yes, I know, I also pissed in the flames).

Curious, take a step back. If you decide to take your wife to a swinger's club go with the intention of not playing or only playing with your wife. Don't bring anyone else into your relationship until you know your wife is fully on board with the idea. I don't like the idea myself, because I do think you and your wife spell drama for anyone you are with, but it's none of my business unless I'm your unknowing target for the night.

I think between your marriage problems and the fact that it appears the rules are more strict for you than for her, that you could be a recipe for disaster in a playroom at a swinger's club. There is no way on God's green Earth I would play with you and your wife, not that I think you will be honest with the people you play with about your marriage problems.

 

[JKayle]

I'm not going to bash the OP; Some of his comments did read harsh, but I've been there, and I can emphasise with the frustrated anger that his situation causes. I'm guessing that the some of these posts were made in a moment of anger; a way of venting frustration. I admit that I myself have entertained similar thoughts in the past when things were particularly uneventful between my wife and I, or when that cycle of improvement dips the wrong way again.

The problem is you can't see the problem clearly when that anger clouds your judgement; you need to let it go; go for a run, play sports, or go somewhere quiet and write it all down in a diary that no-one will ever see. Once your head is clear, read through pplwatching's post again; there's a lot of truth there. If whenever you spend time with her, you're carrying that resentment, she will pick up on that, and frankly, I'm surprised you're getting as much as you are. Once to twice per week is not bad by any mark.

My advice? take off the pressure, switch off the computers/TVs and go out and spend some proper time with each other, away from the house where all of the tensions are; start building up a new set of joint memories together, and when you talk, do it gently, in a neutral place. Give her time to prepare her thoughts beforehand instead of ambushing her.

And like everyone else, I'd seriously advise against bringing any third parties into the bed. If she is curious about another woman, you could always take her to a lapdancing bar, but go for her, not you. (and yes, we tried that ourselves)


I hope everything works out for you both.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

Does what you do to woo her ever last more than a few months?

Yes. At times I have thought things were going really well and then I see the well start to dry up. I ask her what she needs or if she is OK. I try to start the communication to find out if I need to change how I'm treating her. She doesn't always like to talk about what is going on with her. The sex all but ceases and I'm left wondering what happened.

Am I perfect? Not by a long shot, but I am willing to improve.

Curious, take a step back. If you decide to take your wife to a swinger's club go with the intention of not playing or only playing with your wife. Don't bring anyone else into your relationship until you know your wife is fully on board with the idea.

Thanx. It's sound advice.

I'm not going to bash the OP; Some of his comments did read harsh, but I've been there, and I can emphasise with the frustrated anger that his situation causes. I'm guessing that the some of these posts were made in a moment of anger; a way of venting frustration. I admit that I myself have entertained similar thoughts in the past when things were particularly uneventful between my wife and I, or when that cycle of improvement dips the wrong way again.

The problem is you can't see the problem clearly when that anger clouds your judgement; you need to let it go; go for a run, play sports, or go somewhere quiet and write it all down in a diary that no-one will ever see. Once your head is clear, read through pplwatching's post again; there's a lot of truth there. If whenever you spend time with her, you're carrying that resentment, she will pick up on that, and frankly, I'm surprised you're getting as much as you are. Once to twice per week is not bad by any mark.

Thanx for not flaming me. It is frustrating and I should not have posted while frustrated. You and Hapi are right, I should take a step back.

I understand the flames coming from most everyone, but not the hypocrites who are paddling the same boat as me.

 

[JKayle]

No problem, and I do hope you work things through.

 

[pplwatching]

At times I have thought things were going really well and then I see the well start to dry up. I ask her what she needs or if she is OK. I try to start the communication to find out if I need to change how I'm treating her. She doesn't always like to talk about what is going on with her. The sex all but ceases and I'm left wondering what happened.

It's very encouraging that you have both the clarity to see it happening, and the wisdom to try to be proactive about working to fix it. Not everyone has that kind of insight or knows how to communicate what's going on inside.

If you ask yourself, "Do I want to be married to this woman?" what is the answer? I mean in terms of marriage vows, not in terms of "ifs". A marriage that is for better, in health, in good times, and when the sex is good isn't much of a marriage at all. Unfortunately, neither is only "in sickness, in bad times, and when the sexual well has gone dry" but the difference is that sometimes commitment and love can motivate us to get through the latter when we know our spouse still wants us and we want them.

If you can answer that question "yes" at this point, want to commit to her, and want to stay married to her, then perhaps committing yourself to being the proactive partner and taking a step back when she needs you to can help you feel less overwhelmed during the times when things aren't as ideal. Sometimes each of us needs to carry the other.

It might also help to talk more during the "good" times. Ask when things are less stressful and are both capable of better communication. Maybe she can answer better then, when she's not in a funk, and that will help you.

It may not make you feel any better, but there are those of us out here who admire you for taking the time to try to figure out how to keep your marriage together. None of us are perfect. It's okay if frustration temporarily takes us from the right path, as long as when it passes we find our way back.

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

If you ask yourself, "Do I want to be married to this woman?" what is the answer? I mean in terms of marriage vows, not in terms of "ifs". A marriage that is for better, in health, in good times, and when the sex is good isn't much of a marriage at all. Unfortunately, neither is only "in sickness, in bad times, and when the sexual well has gone dry" but the difference is that sometimes commitment and love can motivate us to get through the latter when we know our spouse still wants us and we want them.

If you can answer that question "yes" at this point, want to commit to her, and want to stay married to her, then perhaps committing yourself to being the proactive partner and taking a step back when she needs you to can help you feel less overwhelmed during the times when things aren't as ideal. Sometimes each of us needs to carry the other.

It may not make you feel any better, but there are those of us out here who admire you for taking the time to try to figure out how to keep your marriage together. None of us are perfect. It's okay if frustration temporarily takes us from the right path, as long as when it passes we find our way back.

I can't answer that with a definite yes. I can answer it yes in terms of ifs, but other than that, I don't know.

I feel like she isn't willing to put in the effort and I have to carry her 80% of the time. Counseling or talking to her helps for a few months and then she slips back into old behaviors.

Thanx for your help pplwatching.

 

[funcouple2505]

Then allow me, the unbiased third / fourth party, to say the following.
You are a dick by your actions, an idiot for your lack of reception, a spoiled brat for your narcissim, and overall ignorant. Without knowing you whatsoever, the info you have provided tells me you deserve nothing less than a handprint on your face, a boot to the ass, and a door slammed behind you. ^_^
[/feeding the troll]

And just to be clear, I (and we) are nowhere near being hypocritical because I (and we) are nothing like you. Good luck to you.... and your wife.

 

[K5Rakitan]

I did not catch where is "local" for you.

In California, there used to be a great club known as Barry and Shell's that ran for over 40 years. That was the best place ever! Unfortunately, their last party was on New Year's Eve and they are not going to have any more public parties. Barry passed away and Shell just got too tired to run the place. I was there for three of their last 40 years, and I thought the place was fantastic.

A good swingers place is one where you can feel comfortable and not feel any pressure. It is also important to have a balanced male/female ratio. Some swingers places will let in single men, and I have been to a few of those parties. They suck. The men go around drooling over the few women that there are and nobody actually gets to have any fun because the women come with their men and their men don't want to sit around and watch their women have all the fun. Single women are too intimidated to go there without someone to protect them because single men are usually single for a good reason. They're assholes.

However, I have still had many good experiences swinging. Here are a few spin-off parties from people who knew Barry and Shell. I have not gone to any of these yet because my boyfriend and I are still bummed out about the original place closing and it is a little too far for us to travel right now.

http://www.bonobosplayparties.com/About Us.htm
http://www.swinglifestyle.com/swingers/club/9203/Roman's-Mystery-Castle.cfm

 

[hapigirl]

........

 

[pplwatching]

When you say it helps for a couple of months, what do you mean exactly? Do you both become passive, not actively communicating with each other, letting little things pass, and not saying anything until you're back into a crisis? Or, do you set aside time where you can both talk, explore each other's feelings, and do the maintenance work on the marriage?

I can't answer that with a definite yes. I can answer it yes in terms of ifs, but other than that, I don't know.

I feel like she isn't willing to put in the effort and I have to carry her 80% of the time. Counseling or talking to her helps for a few months and then she slips back into old behaviors.

Thanx for your help pplwatching.

Any time. If you'd rather talk privately you can PM me.

 

[hapigirl]

.........

 

[CuriousnFun4650]

When you say it helps for a couple of months, what do you mean exactly? Do you both become passive, not actively communicating with each other, letting little things pass, and not saying anything until you're back into a crisis? Or, do you set aside time where you can both talk, explore each other's feelings, and do the maintenance work on the marriage?



Any time. If you'd rather talk privately you can PM me.

Thanx, I will PM you.

 

[hapigirl]

.....

 

[bailadora]

I want everyone to know that the husband part of funcouple2505 has been cheating on his wife at Literotica for over two years. As I have said, cheating is alive and well in swinger's clubs.

He duped me into believing he was single and included me (unknowingly) in his infidelities.

I'm not trying to be bitchy, but honestly? I doubt anyone other than the OP, you and the person you referenced cares. This is the sort of stuff that should be handled via PM.

Not that you asked for my opinion, but since you saw fit to bring this to the open forum, you kind of "made" it our business. Please, let's keep the drama llama far from here!

 

[hapigirl]

I'm not trying to be bitchy, but honestly? I doubt anyone other than the OP, you and the person you referenced cares. This is the sort of stuff that should be handled via PM.

Not that you asked for my opinion, but since you saw fit to bring this to the open forum, you kind of "made" it our business. Please, let's keep the drama llama far from here!

You are right. I need to leave this alone from now on. I was floored when I discovered who he was, probably because the way I discovered it. He isn't worth my time or thoughts.

 

[Kikori]

And just to be clear, I (and we) are nowhere near being hypocritical because I (and we) are nothing like you. Good luck to you.... and your wife.

Just curious if you realize my statements were made to target CuriousnFun rather than you. Neither of my posts called you or him a hypocrite. And the only reason you're related to either of my posts was the first agreed (albeit in a sarcastic, somewhat roundabout way) with your statement, the one I quoted.
So, just wondering, who exactly were you meaning to quote. And if me, why?

 

[hapigirl]

..............

 

[TheLM]

The past few pages of this thread are why I'm so hesitent in all of these matters.

People who SHOULD be responsible, mature adults always wind up acting like children and ruining things.

 

[bharman4102]

We're going to our first club this summer. Long time married, seriously committed, have discussed it at length, and ready to see what it's about even if we only do it once.

When you take the plunge and decide to leave the lounge area, is there a locker room where you store your clothes? Do you bring your own lock? Do you tip the locker room attendant -- is there a locker room attendant? Do you spend the rest of the night in a towel or is it nude when you pass that area?

Any real-life 'this is what happens inside' tips are appreciated.

 

[hapigirl]

We're going to our first club this summer. Long time married, seriously committed, have discussed it at length, and ready to see what it's about even if we only do it once.

When you take the plunge and decide to leave the lounge area, is there a locker room where you store your clothes? Do you bring your own lock? Do you tip the locker room attendant -- is there a locker room attendant? Do you spend the rest of the night in a towel or is it nude when you pass that area?

Any real-life 'this is what happens inside' tips are appreciated.

Each club is different and I would suggest calling the club you plan to attend and asking questions about the facilities and amenities. Each club has its own rules regarding where nudity is allowed or required and the amenities are different at each.

I usually wear a skimpy but tasteful dress when I go, or if there is a theme for the night I dress accordingly. The clubs can tend to be cliquish, so don't be afraid to start a conversation and be outgoing.

Go without expectations other than to meet and talk to other like-minded people. You could end up flirting, playing or having sex. It depends on your rules and how comfortable you are. Do not do anything you are not both comfortable doing.

Have fun!