The Isolated Blurt BDSM Thread

[KayKat]

Think I might be kidding myself. Possibly should have gone too.

HUGS to you my friend..I hope you are okay!

 

[FloggingMolly]

Satin~ I have no words of wisdom, just *hugs*

CP~ that's great news hon

 

[midwestyankee]

@ Satin, it seems as if most of the good advice has already been proposed so there's little more I can add beyond some sincere sympathy.

I think it was ITW who suggested a date night. That can help any relationship where there's a lot of time pressure on a couple. Something else that can help is setting aside some time each week to just be together. No sex allowed - at least for that set time, which might be merely an hour or two. Perhaps you decide that every Wednesday evening between 9 and 10 you'll just be together. Sit on the couch, share a bit of dessert, play a board game... what you do together during this time matters little. What matters is the together part, particularly together with no sex. Breathing each other's air for a bit seems to help a lot of couples re-center their lives together.

In reading your post, I found one question coming up: are you free within your pair dynamic to initiate sex? What happens when/would happen if you initiate sex?

 

[the captians wench]

What happens when/would happen if you initiate sex?

Ya know, this is one thing I have heard a good percentage of men in my aquaintance comment on. I've had quite a few tell me that they get frusterated having to be the one to initiate sex all of the time. They want to feel like they are desired as well, and initiating sex is a good way to do that.

 

[Cattypuss]

In reading your post, I found one question coming up: are you free within your pair dynamic to initiate sex? What happens when/would happen if you initiate sex?

I've been wondering this too. Sometimes an achingly erotic kiss and a hand on the groin can be worth a thousand words

 

[justnoldfriend]

I really appreciate the advice and time you all have taken to help me.

There are a few things I want to note, just in case.

Our kids are less than two years old. We've been together for five years, and his libido suddenly dropped about six months into our relationship, WELL before I got pregnant the first time.

He's been checked by a doctor for blood pressure problems, diabetes, and a host of other health problems. He's in great physical shape, his weight is smack in the ideal place for his height, and he gets semi-regular exercise.

When he stopped smoking and was getting more regular and more rigorous exercise, his libido did not improve.

When it comes to stress due to jobs, etc, right now he is currently unemployed but even when he did work, his libido was low.

I do about 60% of the childcare, and my parents do about 10%. I do about 80% of the cooking and cleaning in the house, so he's not exactly burdened with a ton of stressful chores and childcare. I take on literally as MUCH as I can emotionally stand to try and give him as much free time as possible in the hopes that living easily will boost his drive, so far to no avail. He gets free time daily with no kids to relax, but it has done nothing to help him feel sexual towards me.

I have talked to him multiple times and I regularly (about once every few months) bring it up, in a gentle, non-judgmental, compassionate and loving way.

Still, all the effort I am doing has caused nothing but pain in my relationship. He still has almost no desire for me and doesn't seem interested in trying to boost it.

He's CONTENT with his sex drive the current level it is.

If he doesn't recognize that it's an issue for me, there's nothing I can do.

Do we share the same man?


I have exactely the same problem with my man. I dont know what to say except that I know how hard this situlation can be.. I still didnt figure out how to make my man more intrested in sex again. I think I've kind of give up as every time I tryed to get sexual with him I got rejected. It gets quite annoying after while + it hurts my feelings very much as well.

I dont know whats his problem, but when he dont want he dont want. Not much I can do about that. I love him very much, but I am very unhappy about this part of our relationship. I tryed tell him I want him, but it seems he's or not listeing or dont wanna hear it. I dont know. I dont remember the last time we had sex together and I dont remember the last time he even touched me sexualy either. We are together and things are cool, but don't ask me hows our sex as it just makes me wanna cry.

I could never tell him how much this situation upsets me though. I can tell him I would like to play or that I want him, but he will never know how many nights I've cryed because of this. I see no point in telling him that + I know it would just make him sad or piss him off and I dont want that.

I've tryed stay out of this conversation, but couldnt help it.

I am sorry you going through this Satin and I just wanna say that I understand how you feel wayyyyyyyyy too well... hug

If you figure out HOW to get your man intrested in sex again please let me know.

 

[satindesire]

In reading your post, I found one question coming up: are you free within your pair dynamic to initiate sex? What happens when/would happen if you initiate sex?

No, I am not allowed to.

If I do, I am immediately rejected or ignored.

Ya know, this is one thing I have heard a good percentage of men in my aquaintance comment on. I've had quite a few tell me that they get frusterated having to be the one to initiate sex all of the time. They want to feel like they are desired as well, and initiating sex is a good way to do that.

I've been wondering this too. Sometimes an achingly erotic kiss and a hand on the groin can be worth a thousand words

Getting him in the mood is impossible. He has to want it first. I can't make him want it. *shrugs* He looks at sex so differently than any other man I've ever been with, not that I've been with tons...but still. All I ever hear is that these men out there have these impossible sex drives and their wives can't keep up, and it makes me feel like a FREAK OF NATURE.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why is he so irresistible to me? I can't help how attracted I am and how much I love and want him. I wish it would just go away.

If you figure out HOW to get your man intrested in sex again please let me know.

If I ever figure it out, I'm patenting it and selling the secret for a thousand dollars.

By the time every woman in the world buys it, I'll be the richest and happiest woman in the universe.

 

[Cattypuss]

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why is he so irresistible to me? I can't help how attracted I am and how much I love and want him. I wish it would just go away..

There's nothing wrong with you. Some people have higher sex-drives than other people. That is normal. That's not to say it's easy to live with in a relationship where there is a big mismatch.

ETA: I used to be married to a man who wanted sex once or twice a month. That was his sexuality and I'm willing to bet he wants it once or twice a month with his current partner, whom he is about to marry.

In EVERY relationship I've had (and they've ranged in length up to 11 years), I've wanted sex at least 4-5 times a week. I've been very lucky in that the two most important relationships of my life, emotionally, have been the two where I also happened to be with a man who wanted sex at least 4 or 5 times a week. One of those was the 11-year relationship and the other is my current, two-year-old relationship.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Well I saw the doc as a follow up to those blood tests (low white cell count). He says he suspects vitamin B12/folate deficiency. So more blood tests later this week.

He mentioned he is impressed at my blood pressure (normal) and cholesterol (only very slightly raised), given my BMI (which is 32), and gave me the all-clear to go to the gym and push my heart hard

did he test your b12/folate levels? sorry, just the lab geek in me.

 

[the captians wench]

There's nothing wrong with you. Some people have higher sex-drives than other people. That is normal. That's not to say it's easy to live with in a relationship where there is a big mismatch.

ETA: I used to be married to a man who wanted sex once or twice a month. That was his sexuality and I'm willing to bet he wants it once or twice a month with his current partner, whom he is about to marry.

In EVERY relationship I've had (and they've ranged in length up to 11 years), I've wanted sex at least 4-5 times a week. I've been very lucky in that the two most important relationships of my life, emotionally, have been the two where I also happened to be with a man who wanted sex at least 4 or 5 times a week. One of those was the 11-year relationship and the other is my current, two-year-old relationship.

ditto-ish

I've always had a high drive. While I was married, I wanted sex at least once a day, twice fairly commonly. He perfered to masterbate. *shrug*

I felt like I was doing something wrong. Here was a woman, his wife, begging him to do things to her that most 19 year old guy's wet dreams, and he'd rather jerk off. I even tried being involved in his masterbating and that didn't interest him much either. Our entire marriage was like that.

I haven't had a relationship with another man where even weekly romps were doable on a constant basis, so I'm really not sure if I'm just a freak or unreasonable, or just haven't met some one who can keep up with me.

 

[Keroin]

Well I saw the doc as a follow up to those blood tests (low white cell count). He says he suspects vitamin B12/folate deficiency. So more blood tests later this week.

He mentioned he is impressed at my blood pressure (normal) and cholesterol (only very slightly raised), given my BMI (which is 32), and gave me the all-clear to go to the gym and push my heart hard

Hey, let me jump on the band wagon late and say...whew and yay! I mean not yay about the deficiencies but yay that it was nothing serious.

I'm sure you are relieved.

 

[the captians wench]

I need a good long fuck fest weekend

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why is he so irresistible to me? I can't help how attracted I am and how much I love and want him. I wish it would just go away..

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you...and it sounds like you love him dearly. You simply can't apply logic to an emotional problem...it just doesn't work. You have to be honest with yourself if this is something you want and can sustain... Given all that you have shared, then maybe you are finally at the stage where you have to accept what is. The only real control that you have is how you respond and what YOU want to do about it. If you need to have more sex than he does, would he be open to you going outside of the relationship for it? Or maybe bringing someone else in just for sex that you can share with him? If he responded well to the threesome before...maybe that is a hint towards a path that might be more fufilling for you? Maybe there is another creative solution?

I am so so sorry you are going through this, and I wish you the very best no matter what you decide to do.

 

[graceanne]

So I had my girl appointment today. I managed to get a referral to a OBGYN, cause my periods are so flipping heavy. (I got through a tampon an hour for two days.) Well, first they offered to put me on the shot, and when that was a no-go (cause I've attempted suicide before), they referred me. This is not the first time that I've been seen for this problem, but this is the first time someone is actually going to do something about it.

First she did some sort of exam to test the cells inside of my uterus. Not pleasant. But somehow or the other (during the exam) it came to light that my uterus is enlarged - approx. twice as big as it's supposed to be. So I've got to have an ultrasound with a possible water ultrasound afterward. What in the world is a water ultrasound?

 

[graceanne]

Satin - I don't know about your man, but mine doesn't hear me when I'm being polite or dropping hints. For instance, if I tell him 'hon, i really like it when you xyz', he'll forget I even said it. I have to say "K. Do (or don't do) this." or I might as well not even bother.

Have you sat down with him and told him that this is REALLY REALLY bothering you? "Honey, I love you, but it's REALLY bugging me that we don't have sex more often and it bugs me even more that you don't care that it's bugging me."?

 

[satindesire]

Satin - I don't know about your man, but mine doesn't hear me when I'm being polite or dropping hints. For instance, if I tell him 'hon, i really like it when you xyz', he'll forget I even said it. I have to say "K. Do (or don't do) this." or I might as well not even bother.

Have you sat down with him and told him that this is REALLY REALLY bothering you? "Honey, I love you, but it's REALLY bugging me that we don't have sex more often and it bugs me even more that you don't care that it's bugging me."?

I have to be polite with him, or he shuts down emotionally and won't listen to me. He's a lot like me, the slightest hint of disrespect and I'm zeroing out of that conversation. We put a lot of effort to think about what we want to say and make sure we're calm and reasonable before saying it...that's just how we both work in the regards to communicating with each other.

And yes, I have told him MANY times that his lower sex drive absolutely destroys me. He promises a lot of things but has yet to keep them.

 

[graceanne]

I have to be polite with him, or he shuts down emotionally and won't listen to me. He's a lot like me, the slightest hint of disrespect and I'm zeroing out of that conversation. We put a lot of effort to think about what we want to say and make sure we're calm and reasonable before saying it...that's just how we both work in the regards to communicating with each other.

And yes, I have told him MANY times that his lower sex drive absolutely destroys me. He promises a lot of things but has yet to keep them.

I wasn't suggesting being rude, just being forceful. But as long as he's clear that it bothers you...

*hugs*

 

[Essene]

Is it wrong to fall in love with a Kate Spade handbag?

Is it wrong to seriously contemplate buying said handbag?

 

[Essene]

I have to be polite with him, or he shuts down emotionally and won't listen to me. He's a lot like me, the slightest hint of disrespect and I'm zeroing out of that conversation. We put a lot of effort to think about what we want to say and make sure we're calm and reasonable before saying it...that's just how we both work in the regards to communicating with each other.

And yes, I have told him MANY times that his lower sex drive absolutely destroys me. He promises a lot of things but has yet to keep them.

Oh honey, I'm sorry you're going through this.

A similar thing happened to me when I was married. It was a major bone of contention between us, and drove us apart. I wonder if things might have been better if we had made more non-sexual time for one another -focusing on emotional intimacy, allowing it to foster sexual intimacy. Guys ARE weird, and a lot of hang-ups come out when the kids are little.

Sometimes these things ebb and flow, and other times it's a matter of incompatibility.

I think Eastern Sun said some pretty good things esp. about finding your inner sexiness and focusing on yourself rather than worrying about him so much. I went off and did my own thing, and was much happier for it. (This can present itself in different ways of course. )

*hugs*

 

[satindesire]

I wasn't suggesting being rude, just being forceful. But as long as he's clear that it bothers you...

*hugs*

He knows. Trust me, every time we end up talking about it, he says "Why are we talking about this AGAIN?!" or some other permutation of that.

If the problem went away, we'd have no reason to discuss it, because there would be no problem. But as long as he continues to not sleep with me, there'll be a problem.

It makes me feel like a bitch to say that, too.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm not trying to be an asshole (really), but, Satin, if he's unemployed, and you do the majority of the housekeeping and childcare, what exactly does he do all day? Sounds like he needs to be doing something to keep busy, to have some sort of purpose, stave off depression, and all that. I'm not saying it'll help, mind you, but it can't hurt. And it'd certainly take a load off of your shoulders.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

So I had my girl appointment today. I managed to get a referral to a OBGYN, cause my periods are so flipping heavy. (I got through a tampon an hour for two days.) Well, first they offered to put me on the shot, and when that was a no-go (cause I've attempted suicide before), they referred me. This is not the first time that I've been seen for this problem, but this is the first time someone is actually going to do something about it.

First she did some sort of exam to test the cells inside of my uterus. Not pleasant. But somehow or the other (during the exam) it came to light that my uterus is enlarged - approx. twice as big as it's supposed to be. So I've got to have an ultrasound with a possible water ultrasound afterward. What in the world is a water ultrasound?

Is the water ultrasound where you have to drink a litre of water and hold it for an hour? i think they also call it the external one.

Good luck and if you need to talk, PM me, have been through so many of those tests and specialists that I could probably become a specialist myself.

 

[satindesire]

I'm not trying to be an asshole (really), but, Satin, if he's unemployed, and you do the majority of the housekeeping and childcare, what exactly does he do all day? Sounds like he needs to be doing something to keep busy, to have some sort of purpose, stave off depression, and all that. I'm not saying it'll help, mind you, but it can't hurt. And it'd certainly take a load off of your shoulders.

Yes, he does need to be doing something. Trust me, I know this very well. Unfortunately, getting him to do things he has no interest or motivation for is a theme in our relationship.

I'm going to bring up him getting tested for low Testosterone again.

Looking at the symptoms, he's a dead ringer. I'm totally convinced.

 

[Cattypuss]

did he test your b12/folate levels? sorry, just the lab geek in me.

I have an appointment to have blood taken for those tests on Thursday this week (those two tests, plus a "gamma" test, which I suspect is for him to check that I wasn't lying when I told him (truthfully) that I'm not a heavy drinker).

I think I neglected to mention that he also told me my red blood cells are too big.

 

[Cattypuss]

Hey, let me jump on the band wagon late and say...whew and yay! I mean not yay about the deficiencies but yay that it was nothing serious.

I'm sure you are relieved.

I am, Keroin - "whew" and "yay" were exactly my responses!