The Isolated Blurt BDSM Thread

[justnoldfriend]

No, I am not allowed to.

If I do, I am immediately rejected or ignored.

Same here!

Honestly I don't know how else react to this kind of treating than turn my back to him and cry myslëlf to sleep. I am doing that for MONTHS now..

My bf is the same like your man in so many ways! When he don't want he don't want, I can't really make him want it. He must be in the mood for it himself, which is sadly very very rarely. Every time I start stroking his body too close to his cock he makes it VERY clear that what I do is NOT welcomed, so I have to stop. God knows why he's like that. Sometimes I would like just suck his cock, I don't mind if he didn't fuck me after, but for some stupid reason he won't let me do even that, sigh. I don't get it, seriously.

Few days ago I have read an article saying that men think of sex every two hours! I wonder if he does too.. Probably not. *shrug*

By the way my bf is unemployed as well and we got very small children too! I wonder if thats part of the problem. Not like we had sex that often before, but now our sex life is totally on "0". Before it was at least sometimes something. Now it's never and nothing, including sexual touches and kisses.

As graceanne said, men are weird!!!


I am glad you started this kind of conversation, Satin, as this is something thats bothering me for MONTHS now! I feel like a bitch too wen I talk about this as I love him dearly and wouldnt change a thing about our relationship. Well none except the sexual part. I've always had high sex drive and I always knew I wanted sex more than him. And it's alright because I can comply to men with lower sex drive than mine, BUT I dunno comply to nothing at all! Well I can, but I tend to get very depressive and teary then. Oh well..

Things might get better, one sweet day. I hope!

 

[eastern sun]

Same here!

Honestly I don't know how else react to this kind of treating than turn my back to him and cry myslëlf to sleep. I am doing that for MONTHS now..

My bf is the same like your man in so many ways! When he don't want he don't want, I can't really make him want it. He must be in the mood for it himself, which is sadly very very rarely. Every time I start stroking his body too close to his cock he makes it VERY clear that what I do is NOT welcomed, so I have to stop. God knows why he's like that. Sometimes I would like just suck his cock, I don't mind if he didn't fuck me after, but for some stupid reason he won't let me do even that, sigh. I don't get it, seriously.

Few days ago I have read an article saying that men think of sex every two hours! I wonder if he does too.. Probably not. *shrug*

By the way my bf is unemployed as well and we got very small children too! I wonder if thats part of the problem. Not like we had sex that often before, but now our sex life is totally on "0". Before it was at least sometimes something. Now it's never and nothing, including sexual touches and kisses.

As graceanne said, men are weird!!!

I am glad you started this kind of conversation, Satin, as this is something thats bothering me for MONTHS now! I feel like a bitch too wen I talk about this as I love him dearly and wouldnt change a thing about our relationship. Well none except the sexual part. I've always had high sex drive and I always knew I wanted sex more than him. And it's alright because I can comply to men with lower sex drive than mine, BUT I dunno comply to nothing at all! Well I can, but I tend to get very depressive and teary then. Oh well..

Things might get better, one sweet day. I hope!

I keep wondering if the men don't feel bad about themselves. Being unemployed and the father of young children (who are primarily interacting with their mothers) can leave a guy feeling pretty "worthless."

Speaking only for myself, I almost never want to have sex when I'm feeling bad about myself. Especially with someone who knows "who I am". Those are the times I fantasize the most about other people to whom I can present my "ideal" self and therefore escape my own dismal reality. (Not to say their reality is, in fact, dismal. They just might perceive it that way if they don't feel comfortable with themselves.)

 

[Cattypuss]

Question to Satin: are the two of you touchy-feely together? Do you habitually hold each other (affectionately but non-sexually), touch each other (affectionately but non-sexually), share non-sexual kisses?

Are you the kind of couple who show non-sexual affection physically a lot, or are you the kind of couple who tend to only to be physically demonstrative as part of sex/ in the lead-up to sex?

 

[Keroin]

My friend Rip is off to Everest again in four days. He and B were over for dinner and a movie last night and it suddenly struck me how anything, absolutely anything can become "normal". I remember when I first met Rip and learned of his mountaineering adventures, I was so awestruck, I must have asked a million questions all at once.

Now, we chat about the latest expedition as if we're talking about the weather, and we get more excited about his upcoming home renovations than his trip.

Having said that, he is the coolest, most genuine and humble person I've ever met and had the privilege to call friend.

 

[intothewoods]

I keep wondering if the men don't feel bad about themselves. Being unemployed and the father of young children (who are primarily interacting with their mothers) can leave a guy feeling pretty "worthless."

Speaking only for myself, I almost never want to have sex when I'm feeling bad about myself. Especially with someone who knows "who I am". Those are the times I fantasize the most about other people to whom I can present my "ideal" self and therefore escape my own dismal reality. (Not to say their reality is, in fact, dismal. They just might perceive it that way if they don't feel comfortable with themselves.)

ding, ding

 

[Tilia_Fondi]

Hi Satin, I really feel for your situation. Someone mentioned that maybe he needs to be doing more as he is unemployed and you do most of the household/childcare duties. I think you should consider this some more.

My husband was unemployed for a period of about 6 months and as I work only part time and we had no money to do things (together or separately) most of our time was spent together in the house and we would just get annoyed with each other. Our sex life seriously suffered at this time. Now he works away so we miss each other like hell while he's gone and it makes the time we have together more special and we make a real effort to do things together like weekends away, date nights etc. I also make an effort to give him space to spend time with his friends as when he is at work I can see my friends as much as I want but he is stuck at work and I have to understand that.

Maybe its not just his sex drive thats low, perhaps its just his drive for life in general since he isn't working and not doing much else. And its hard to do things which you enjoy if he is unemployed if that creates financial problems (obviously I'm not aware of your situation). Has he said anything to you that could suggest he is maybe a little depressed?

Maybe you should take the sex out of the equation for a bit and focus on trying to do other things to enhance each others lives rather than just day to day housework etc. In my experience, men can be a bit funny if they feel that their home life is all they have and they can feel like they have lost their individuality and social life etc. Do you spend a lot of time away from each other? With friends etc?

Also, the fact that you are spending a lot of your time with household duties and childcare might make him see you in a different light than when you first met. When he first met you, you would have been sexy, single, having fun and now he possibly is seeing mainly the wife and mother role in you?

Obviously some of this is speculation as I don't know your full situation but I hope you work something out

 

[justnoldfriend]

I keep wondering if the men don't feel bad about themselves. Being unemployed and the father of young children (who are primarily interacting with their mothers) can leave a guy feeling pretty "worthless."

Speaking only for myself, I almost never want to have sex when I'm feeling bad about myself. Especially with someone who knows "who I am". Those are the times I fantasize the most about other people to whom I can present my "ideal" self and therefore escape my own dismal reality. (Not to say their reality is, in fact, dismal. They just might perceive it that way if they don't feel comfortable with themselves.)

You might be right that he feels bad because he's unemployed. I am pretty sure he does feel bad because of it and I understand that of course! But even when he did have a job the situation wasn't much better. Our relationship is alright in every other area, but when it comes to sex and intimacy it feels as if I live on a different planet although we share the same bed every night. Sometimes I think if sex didn't exist he wouldn't mind at all.

Maybe things would be different if I was a bit thinner, I am working on it. I think I haven't change that much since we get to know each other. He liked me back then, so I really hope he still finds me somewhat atractive, although his lack of interest in the sex with me makes me feel different. Maybe it's really only because he is so stressed out because of the job hunting and all. I don't know.

I don't wanna sound as if I am complaining. He's a great man and I am happy we are together, it's just I really miss some kind of intimacy with him. It makes me sad knowing how much I crave him and see he doens't feel the same way about me. It's so unfair I get so HOT every time I am close to him and he feels nothing in return.

I tryed talk to him about it few times, but same as Satin's man he was like "why are we talking about this AGAIN?!!" and I knew he doesn't like talk about it at all, so I don't even start about it now. I try touch him in a sexual way in the bed every now and then, in hope he might maybe enjoy it, but I get always rejected. Maybe I should stop trying, but relationship without sex, or at least without intimate touches, feels so weird.

I don't wanna feel that way about our relationship.

 

[satindesire]

Question to Satin: are the two of you touchy-feely together? Do you habitually hold each other (affectionately but non-sexually), touch each other (affectionately but non-sexually), share non-sexual kisses?

Are you the kind of couple who show non-sexual affection physically a lot, or are you the kind of couple who tend to only to be physically demonstrative as part of sex/ in the lead-up to sex?

I'm extremely affectionate towards him but he isn't towards me. He used to be, but pretty much at the same time his libido crashed, so did his desire to touch me affectionately.

I get about one kiss and hug a day, right before he goes to bed.

I can be affectionate to him and he'll sit there and soak it up like a sponge and love it, but I rarely get anything back spontaneously. I have to ask for it.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm extremely affectionate towards him but he isn't towards me. He used to be, but pretty much at the same time his libido crashed, so did his desire to touch me affectionately.

I get about one kiss and hug a day, right before he goes to bed.

I can be affectionate to him and he'll sit there and soak it up like a sponge and love it, but I rarely get anything back spontaneously. I have to ask for it.

Just wondering here...what else might have changed at about that same time that his libido went into hiding, or a bit before that.

 

[satindesire]

Just wondering here...what else might have changed at about that same time that his libido went into hiding, or a bit before that.

We moved, but that's it. I find it hard to believe that a simple move was responsible for destroying his life.

http://men.webmd.com/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low

"Low testosterone is defined as less than 300 nanograms per deciliter of blood. The symptoms of low testosterone include low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, mood problems, fatigue, and sleep disturbances."

This is him all over except the ED, which he's never had. I really want him to go get tested but he doesn't seem bothered by it. At 28, I'd assume he'd want to continue having a zest for life in general, but what else can I do?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

 

[Cattypuss]

"Low testosterone is defined as less than 300 nanograms per deciliter of blood. The symptoms of low testosterone include low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, mood problems, fatigue, and sleep disturbances."

This is him all over except the ED, which he's never had.

Those (apart from the ED) are also classic symptoms of clinical depression.

 

[satindesire]

Those (apart from the ED) are also classic symptoms of clinical depression.

Yes, but like I said before, he's tried several antidepressants without it improving his symptoms.

 

[Cattypuss]

Yes, but like I said before, he's tried several antidepressants without it improving his symptoms.

Oh sorry, Satin - I must have missed that

 

[Cattypuss]

Satin (just tell me to shut make cake-hole if I'm being too nosy)... did the libido and affection drop happen when you moved house as a couple, or did it happen when you first moved in together?

My mum told me that when she and my dad got married, an older relative said to her "Get an empty jar and in the first six months of your marriage, put a penny in it every time you make love. After the first six months, remove a penny every time you make love... you will never empty the jar."

I sometimes think situations like yours are very common. Not that that makes it ok.

 

[Keroin]

At 28, I'd assume he'd want to continue having a zest for life in general, but what else can I do?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

OK, I'm going to jump in here and pass along a piece of wisdom a friend gave me years ago.

First, answer honestly, are you willing to live with things as they are for the rest of your life? If you two spend another 50 years alive and married, can you be happy with the status quo?

If your honest answer is no, then the next question is harder.

Would you leave him if things didn't change?

You'll be tempted to say no but think about the first question. Can you handle 10, 20, 30, 40 years of feeling this way?

Now, if your answer is 'Yes, I would leave if things didn't change', then the next question is easier. Does he know this? In other words, does he realize that the end result of his unwillingness to change could be that you would leave? I'm not talking about a hard-assed ultimatum, I'm talking about a realistic assessment of your situation.

Everything we do comes down to motivation. If he believes the worst he will suffer because of his actions (or inaction) is your occasional sadness, that's probably not much motivation at all. Nothing is likely to change.

From what you've written here, I think you both need to get to a marriage/sex counselor and he should talk to a doctor. Some problems just require professional help to solve, plain and simple, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[ShyVixen]

Sometimes I wish I had more time to write, to go to a writing group, a book club, to see people. But especially to write.

 

[satindesire]

Satin (just tell me to shut make cake-hole if I'm being too nosy)... did the libido and affection drop happen when you moved house as a couple, or did it happen when you first moved in together?

My mum told me that when she and my dad got married, an older relative said to her "Get an empty jar and in the first six months of your marriage, put a penny in it every time you make love. After the first six months, remove a penny every time you make love... you will never empty the jar."

I sometimes think situations like yours are very common. Not that that makes it ok.

We dated for a while before I moved into his place, then soon after that we were forced to move, and we moved together. It was right before we moved together when the affection dropped.

 

[satindesire]

OK, I'm going to jump in here and pass along a piece of wisdom a friend gave me years ago.

First, answer honestly, are you willing to live with things as they are for the rest of your life? If you two spend another 50 years alive and married, can you be happy with the status quo?

If your honest answer is no, then the next question is harder.

Would you leave him if things didn't change?

You'll be tempted to say no but think about the first question. Can you handle 10, 20, 30, 40 years of feeling this way?

Now, if your answer is 'Yes, I would leave if things didn't change', then the next question is easier. Does he know this? In other words, does he realize that the end result of his unwillingness to change could be that you would leave? I'm not talking about a hard-assed ultimatum, I'm talking about a realistic assessment of your situation.

Everything we do comes down to motivation. If he believes the worst he will suffer because of his actions (or inaction) is your occasional sadness, that's probably not much motivation at all. Nothing is likely to change.

From what you've written here, I think you both need to get to a marriage/sex counselor and he should talk to a doctor. Some problems just require professional help to solve, plain and simple, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know. I'd give someone else the exact same advice were I on the outside looking in. Trust me, I've tried almost everything so far. The only thing left is medical.

Other than the lack of sex and nonsexual affection, our relationship is amazing. I would have left a long time ago if this wasn't literally our ONLY problem.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I know. I'd give someone else the exact same advice were I on the outside looking in. Trust me, I've tried almost everything so far. The only thing left is medical.

Other than the lack of sex and nonsexual affection, our relationship is amazing. I would have left a long time ago if this wasn't literally our ONLY problem.

Regardless of the issues or the resolution...

{{{{MyBuddySatin}}}}

Sorry I had to catch up on this. I've pretty much been out of the blurt thread for a while.

 

[Keroin]

I know. I'd give someone else the exact same advice were I on the outside looking in. Trust me, I've tried almost everything so far. The only thing left is medical.

Other than the lack of sex and nonsexual affection, our relationship is amazing. I would have left a long time ago if this wasn't literally our ONLY problem.

Well, for what it's worth, I've been there. Different problem, same situation. Everything wonderful...except for that ONE thing that made me miserable. I finally worked up the guts to tell him, after my friend put me through the above questions.

I phrased it as so (generally):

I love you more than anything and I won't simply "give up" on this relationship. I will go to counseling with you, if that's what it takes, or I will go alone and try to find an answer myself. But you have to know that if, after I've tried everything possible, this behaviour doesn't change, I will leave you. Because no matter how much I love you, I won't go through life hurting.

And...he changed. Not overnight but it happened. We still have problems like every other couple but nothing insurmountable. It's been almost 13 years now, I can't imagine what these years would have been like if I didn't take that step.

Anyway, best of luck with this.

 

[KayKat]

So flipping frustrated...don't know how much more I can take..

 

[BiBunny]

We moved, but that's it. I find it hard to believe that a simple move was responsible for destroying his life.

http://men.webmd.com/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low

"Low testosterone is defined as less than 300 nanograms per deciliter of blood. The symptoms of low testosterone include low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, mood problems, fatigue, and sleep disturbances."

This is him all over except the ED, which he's never had. I really want him to go get tested but he doesn't seem bothered by it. At 28, I'd assume he'd want to continue having a zest for life in general, but what else can I do?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

My...whatever he is...has this problem as a result of a genetic disorder. It can really fuck a man up, make him depressed and incredibly hard to live with. I don't want to talk about it publicly, but if you wanna PM, I can possibly offer support.

 

[satindesire]

My...whatever he is...has this problem as a result of a genetic disorder. It can really fuck a man up, make him depressed and incredibly hard to live with. I don't want to talk about it publicly, but if you wanna PM, I can possibly offer support.

that'd be great!

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I give up, everything just seems like too much hard work at the moment. There just doesn't seem to be any point in doing anything. No matter what you do its just like swimming against the tide everything just seems totally pointless and a waste of time and energy.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Satin - I hope you both are able to work everything out.

Well, for what it's worth, I've been there. Different problem, same situation. Everything wonderful...except for that ONE thing that made me miserable. I finally worked up the guts to tell him, after my friend put me through the above questions.

I phrased it as so (generally):

I love you more than anything and I won't simply "give up" on this relationship. I will go to counseling with you, if that's what it takes, or I will go alone and try to find an answer myself. But you have to know that if, after I've tried everything possible, this behaviour doesn't change, I will leave you. Because no matter how much I love you, I won't go through life hurting.

And...he changed. Not overnight but it happened. We still have problems like every other couple but nothing insurmountable. It's been almost 13 years now, I can't imagine what these years would have been like if I didn't take that step.

Anyway, best of luck with this.

I need to say those words myself. It's scary because I don't want to hurt him at all.

I give up, everything just seems like too much hard work at the moment. There just doesn't seem to be any point in doing anything. No matter what you do its just like swimming against the tide everything just seems totally pointless and a waste of time and energy.

My blurt: I'm so exhausted. The days are a random blur of trying to fit in everything and not even remotely getting close to finishing any of it. Not sleeping well the last couple of nights isn't helping. Neither is the shaking hand from medication. It's slowing me down and it makes me angry that I know that it's not my absolute best work because of it. It's close but it's still not quite there and it takes much longer to complete.