The Isolated Blurt BDSM Thread

[Kajira Callista]

You know, I always wonder about this. More times than I can count, I have panicked from being deprived of air during sex. Not just breath play, actual HELLO I CANNOT BREATHE LET ME UP sex. And yet I'm still alive. Not from "tapping out" either. I guess it's just a matter of trusting that I won't be "broken"...that the person doing the depriving is conscious of my needs. But FUCK if I don't hate it when it's happening.

Not meaning this as a response to you, KC, just riffing on the idea, because I have had that in my head a lot. (Not even sure if you meant sex at all...again, just riffing.)

sort of the same only its my brain thats being fucked without being let up for air. lets see how long he is going to hang me over the edge by my toe...and if it is his hand that can no longer dangle me or if i safeword because i cant do it anymore.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

So, I watch a bit of porn on occasion.

And is it just me, or are these dudes just asking for trouble by sticking their dick in someone's mouth and then hurting them?

Or am the only one who's natural response to ouch is to clench the jaw?

 

[the captians wench]

So, I watch a bit of porn on occasion.

And is it just me, or are these dudes just asking for trouble by sticking their dick in someone's mouth and then hurting them?

Or am the only one who's natural response to ouch is to clench the jaw?

I remember a time with a partner where I was on my knees with his cock in my mouth, enjoying giving him a thorough blow, when he decided to pull my trigger word and make me orgasm. My jaw started to clench down around him and he had to pet my head and tell me very sternly to relax my jaw as I quake with orgasmic bliss.

Fortunately for him my need to "be a good girl" and do as I'm told took over any natural reaction to my orgasm. Else he'd be the second man in the world to be running around with my teeth marks imbedded in his dick.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

... its my brain thats being fucked without being let up for air. lets see how long he is going to hang me over the edge by my toe...and if it is his hand that can no longer dangle me or if i safeword because i cant do it anymore.

You are strong enough to handle what you *want* to handle. And you can share that strength with him, if you choose to. A good relationship, which is what you want and need most of all, requires the partners to share their strengths... and their weaknesses... to overcome it all.

 

[seela]

I want to bake but there's currently no one around to share the baked goods with. Sooo, to bake or not to bake?

 

[satindesire]

When we first got together, our sex life was the normal rush of a new coupling, and we'd have sex often. At least once daily, but it was often more than that. After about six months, it RAPIDLY fell off into being once or twice a week. In the last three years, it's devolved into about twice a month.

We do have two very young children, and I am a very busy mother. However, being his submissive, I NEVER deny sex to him, unless I'm deathly ill (like about to go to the hospital ill). I often feel obligated to say "yes" to sex even if I'm not in the mood, because even though I don't often get sexually satisfied, I'm terrified if I say "no", I might have to wait two more weeks for another chance at some intimacy. I make a strong effort to be engaged and "present" for the sex regardless of whether or not he wants to satisfy me, and I don't just "lie there like a fish"...I give him plenty of foreplay, oral sex, anything he wants in order to make him happy and content sexually. I don't know if always knowing that the answer is going to be "yes" all the time has made sex lose some of it's sparkle. The "Chase" is important to some men but he swears he enjoys knowing he'll be taken care of whenever he wants, though, so I don't think that's the problem.

Also, being his submissive I feel strongly that it is my duty to remain attractive and well kept for him. Yes, I have gained weight with my two pregnancies but it's coming off quickly and I have not "let myself go". I wear makeup on a near daily basis, keep my nails and hair looking nice, and always smell good and stay clean. Even being a little heavier than I used to be, he tells me that he still finds me extremely sexy, and I still get plenty of compliments from other people outside of our relationship, so I don't think my looks are the problem, either.

When we do have sex, he has never had any problems with ED at all. He is 28 years old and in very good physical condition, thin, in good shape. He does smoke but when he went a year and a half quit, his libido never improved, so I don't think it's his weight or smoking that is the problem.

I don't think it's a relationship issue either. Outside of sex, we have a truly incredible relationship that is something out of a romance novel for me. He is attentive, kind, a good communicator, and seems extremely happy with me. He says I am a "great wife" and I spoil him rotten. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and child care for him in order to reduce stress in his life, in the hopes that being able to have more free time and less "work" will help improve his libido. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to help.

I have spoken to him about this issue MANY times and he says he has no idea why his libido dropped off so suddenly in our relationship. He was married once before us and complained often that his ex-wife never slept with him, and was never considerate or polite to him, and that was the reason why they divorced.

I've asked him to get tested for Low Testosterone but so far, my requests seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

The ONLY time I ever saw his libido return to normal was shortly after we had a threesome. During about a week after that, we slept together almost nightly. I'm strongly suspecting that he's just bored of being monogamous with me, although he won't admit to something that like, it REALLY looked like the "newness" of the third helped bring the "spark" back to his sexuality.

Am I fighting a losing battle here? Do I need to let him have sex with other women just so I can get laid, because I have NO IDEA what else I can do to improve this situation. I love him dearly, but I am tired of masturbating.

 

[Kajira Callista]

You are strong enough to handle what you *want* to handle. And you can share that strength with him, if you choose to. A good relationship, which is what you want and need most of all, requires the partners to share their strengths... and their weaknesses... to overcome it all.

Thank you O Wise One (what would i do without you) but it goes deeper, not sure if i want to type it all out here rught now but it mostly has to do with learning to let someone i love be stronger (not physically) then i am

 

[eastern sun]

When we first got together, our sex life was the normal rush of a new coupling, and we'd have sex often. At least once daily, but it was often more than that. After about six months, it RAPIDLY fell off into being once or twice a week. In the last three years, it's devolved into about twice a month.

We do have two very young children, and I am a very busy mother. However, being his submissive, I NEVER deny sex to him, unless I'm deathly ill (like about to go to the hospital ill). I often feel obligated to say "yes" to sex even if I'm not in the mood, because even though I don't often get sexually satisfied, I'm terrified if I say "no", I might have to wait two more weeks for another chance at some intimacy. I make a strong effort to be engaged and "present" for the sex regardless of whether or not he wants to satisfy me, and I don't just "lie there like a fish"...I give him plenty of foreplay, oral sex, anything he wants in order to make him happy and content sexually. I don't know if always knowing that the answer is going to be "yes" all the time has made sex lose some of it's sparkle. The "Chase" is important to some men but he swears he enjoys knowing he'll be taken care of whenever he wants, though, so I don't think that's the problem.

Also, being his submissive I feel strongly that it is my duty to remain attractive and well kept for him. Yes, I have gained weight with my two pregnancies but it's coming off quickly and I have not "let myself go". I wear makeup on a near daily basis, keep my nails and hair looking nice, and always smell good and stay clean. Even being a little heavier than I used to be, he tells me that he still finds me extremely sexy, and I still get plenty of compliments from other people outside of our relationship, so I don't think my looks are the problem, either.

When we do have sex, he has never had any problems with ED at all. He is 28 years old and in very good physical condition, thin, in good shape. He does smoke but when he went a year and a half quit, his libido never improved, so I don't think it's his weight or smoking that is the problem.

I don't think it's a relationship issue either. Outside of sex, we have a truly incredible relationship that is something out of a romance novel for me. He is attentive, kind, a good communicator, and seems extremely happy with me. He says I am a "great wife" and I spoil him rotten. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and child care for him in order to reduce stress in his life, in the hopes that being able to have more free time and less "work" will help improve his libido. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to help.

I have spoken to him about this issue MANY times and he says he has no idea why his libido dropped off so suddenly in our relationship. He was married once before us and complained often that his ex-wife never slept with him, and was never considerate or polite to him, and that was the reason why they divorced.

I've asked him to get tested for Low Testosterone but so far, my requests seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

The ONLY time I ever saw his libido return to normal was shortly after we had a threesome. During about a week after that, we slept together almost nightly. I'm strongly suspecting that he's just bored of being monogamous with me, although he won't admit to something that like, it REALLY looked like the "newness" of the third helped bring the "spark" back to his sexuality.

Am I fighting a losing battle here? Do I need to let him have sex with other women just so I can get laid, because I have NO IDEA what else I can do to improve this situation. I love him dearly, but I am tired of masturbating.

Welcome to marriage. Your marriage sounds a lot like everyone else's - with its own personality of course. There's a saying - "familiarity breeds contempt." In worst case scenarios, it's true. But, familiarity also breeds love, respect and friendship.

Some people love routine, predictability. Most people like security. A lot of people like spontaneity, surprise, new experiences.

Be patient. Especially during this period while your children are young. I know very few couples whose sexual relationship didn't suffer during their children's early years.

My husband was much more interested in other women while our children were young, to the point where I thought I might lose him altogether. It actually served to make me more sexually attractive to him in the long run, because I began to surprise him with my own sexual expression as I explored it independently. At that point, the good qualities of "familiarity" became important - and a rich and fertile ground existed to nurture a more exciting relationship.

Be careful about putting all the blame on him.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I want to bake but there's currently no one around to share the baked goods with. Sooo, to bake or not to bake?

In my opinion, when finding yourself pondering this, ALWAYS bake. When you consistently feed your need to create the most unexpected delightful results will happen. I made myself a delightful batch of chocolate chip cookies last night and melted into a warm, moist, oooey gooey chocolate chip cokie orgasm... which would have been worth the effort of baking them all on its own. But then, this morning I had an unexpected visit from a friend who was down. I listened to her, hugged her, and when she was done, I sent her home with a bag of fresh baked cookies and though the listening and hugs were great, handing the cookies to her made her smile that hand in the cookie jar kind of smile... whats better than that?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Okay. Bad news. I am worried. Your generic positive vibes are welcome.

+~+~+~

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Am I fighting a losing battle here? Do I need to let him have sex with other women just so I can get laid, because I have NO IDEA what else I can do to improve this situation. I love him dearly, but I am tired of masturbating.

Clearly, I don't know you...and a monogamous vow driven relationship is complex to say the least. Please know that I am sharing my thoughts out of compassion for you and accept there is no way I could fully understand where you are coming from... so feel free to ignore every word if you don't find it helpful or supportive as that is my only intention here. I am sending you much love and comfort as I can feel your worry and frustration when I read your words. Sounds like the foundation of your relationship is very strong... so lean on that and maybe you can release some of the worry. Worrying is a drain on your resources, and on its best day is simply a false sense of control. Worry also tends to just breed more worry which in and of itself isn't sexy. Please, release the idea that you have failed, or that he has failed in any capacity. There is an opportunity for you both to learn more about each other, and come closer as a result. Marriage is not a sprint, it is a marathon, and you have to pace your breathing to take the hills as they come. Breathe, deeply and fully.


That said, I urge you to think back to when his libido changed...there is an answer there. My gut tells me the piece of the puzzle missing is something emotional within him. You are smart to consider medical reasons, so I would encourage that as a physical is never a bad idea. Once you exhaust physical/medical reasons, then you have to consider environmental and emotional strain.
Have you considered the possibility that the fears and pains of his previous marriage might have been poked? For example, being with you is clearly nothing like his previous marriage experience... but maybe his sense of safety and security were shaken when he was anticipating fallout and didn't get it? For some, change can be a challenge and quite disheveling even if it is good change.

Entering fatherhood can also stir deep feelings of their relationship with their own fathers, fears of how to "provide and sustain" security, etc. This can be tweaked with something as simple as a rumble at the office about layoffs, which these days are as common as Starbucks locations.

I have also seen many new parents that struggle to find the ability to be comfy with their raunchy lusty sex drives and while still smelling of sex step out of the bedroom to make mac n cheese for a little one in pig tails with a sippy cup.

All that said, I would be happy to chat more with you if that would help, so please feel free to PM me. In the mean time, with my whole heart I am sending you my best wishes of soothing comfort and satiety.

~B

 

[graceanne]

When we first got together, our sex life was the normal rush of a new coupling, and we'd have sex often. At least once daily, but it was often ...[snip]... but I am tired of masturbating.

*hugs*

First, when you have small children having sex only twice a month is normal and actually more than some people do. Exhaustion can kill some people's interest in sex, just as changes can. He might be just adjusting to being a daddy, and all the responsibilities of that, and when he gets adjusted things will improve.

Also, sex in a long term relationship is like a bell curve. You can go through what seems to be LONG stages where there isn't much and when there is it's not great. And then, suddenly, it's like you can't get enough of each other.

The other thing is, that he says he doesn't know what's wrong, so when he tells you it's not ... whatever (the chase, or other reasons you've asked him about), he might THINK it's not, but it might in truth be the problem. I honestly don't know, because with K he likes my availability and if I were to give any chase, he'd be pissed and probably look elsewhere, but maybe you should get make him work for it.

And another option is to jump him. Maybe he needs you to make him feel sexy. Maybe being a daddy and being a sexy man is weird for him. I dunno - men are weird.

Either way *hugs*, and I hope things improve.

 

[Cattypuss]

Hugs to Satin.

 

[Cattypuss]

My boyfriend is the bee's knees.

That is all.

 

[intothewoods]

satin - Can you do date night? Might be good to focus on having some alone time just to talk so you guys can reconnect. He might not want to be put on the spot - so having some alone time could give him the space to talk, or just get into husband-wife space versus parenting space. If you can't do date night, try and take some time when the kids are sleeping to have a drink together, eat some dessert, whatever.

 

[catalina_francisco]

When we first got together, our sex life was the normal rush of a new coupling, and we'd have sex often. At least once daily, but it was often more than that. After about six months, it RAPIDLY fell off into being once or twice a week. In the last three years, it's devolved into about twice a month.

We do have two very young children, and I am a very busy mother. However, being his submissive, I NEVER deny sex to him, unless I'm deathly ill (like about to go to the hospital ill). I often feel obligated to say "yes" to sex even if I'm not in the mood, because even though I don't often get sexually satisfied, I'm terrified if I say "no", I might have to wait two more weeks for another chance at some intimacy. I make a strong effort to be engaged and "present" for the sex regardless of whether or not he wants to satisfy me, and I don't just "lie there like a fish"...I give him plenty of foreplay, oral sex, anything he wants in order to make him happy and content sexually. I don't know if always knowing that the answer is going to be "yes" all the time has made sex lose some of it's sparkle. The "Chase" is important to some men but he swears he enjoys knowing he'll be taken care of whenever he wants, though, so I don't think that's the problem.

Also, being his submissive I feel strongly that it is my duty to remain attractive and well kept for him. Yes, I have gained weight with my two pregnancies but it's coming off quickly and I have not "let myself go". I wear makeup on a near daily basis, keep my nails and hair looking nice, and always smell good and stay clean. Even being a little heavier than I used to be, he tells me that he still finds me extremely sexy, and I still get plenty of compliments from other people outside of our relationship, so I don't think my looks are the problem, either.

When we do have sex, he has never had any problems with ED at all. He is 28 years old and in very good physical condition, thin, in good shape. He does smoke but when he went a year and a half quit, his libido never improved, so I don't think it's his weight or smoking that is the problem.

I don't think it's a relationship issue either. Outside of sex, we have a truly incredible relationship that is something out of a romance novel for me. He is attentive, kind, a good communicator, and seems extremely happy with me. He says I am a "great wife" and I spoil him rotten. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and child care for him in order to reduce stress in his life, in the hopes that being able to have more free time and less "work" will help improve his libido. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to help.

I have spoken to him about this issue MANY times and he says he has no idea why his libido dropped off so suddenly in our relationship. He was married once before us and complained often that his ex-wife never slept with him, and was never considerate or polite to him, and that was the reason why they divorced.

I've asked him to get tested for Low Testosterone but so far, my requests seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

The ONLY time I ever saw his libido return to normal was shortly after we had a threesome. During about a week after that, we slept together almost nightly. I'm strongly suspecting that he's just bored of being monogamous with me, although he won't admit to something that like, it REALLY looked like the "newness" of the third helped bring the "spark" back to his sexuality.

Am I fighting a losing battle here? Do I need to let him have sex with other women just so I can get laid, because I have NO IDEA what else I can do to improve this situation. I love him dearly, but I am tired of masturbating.

Maybe he doesn't have the answer, but you sound like you need one and I can't blame you. I wouldn't pursue the idea of the chase idea as it could cause more problems and begin creating questions in his mind. I also would not allow yourself to feel you have to open your relationship to include others if that is not what you also want....to do so could be like putting a nail in the coffin, especially for you if you weren't happy and wanting it also.

In a committed relationship, neither should feel they have to do anything which is going to cause any form of discomfort or unhappiness for them, just to keep the other person. Following that line of thought usually ends up screwing up everyone's idea of who they are and who they are in a relationship with, and finally ends the relationship. I know you said you have talked to him about it, but I think it is time you do so again and make sure he knows how much this is upsetting and unsettling you, that it is not going to go away or get better without input from both of you. Is there any chance he is having issues at work? Good luck and try and keep everything in perspective.

Catalina

 

[unregistered]

 

[Cattypuss]

Well I saw the doc as a follow up to those blood tests (low white cell count). He says he suspects vitamin B12/folate deficiency. So more blood tests later this week.

He mentioned he is impressed at my blood pressure (normal) and cholesterol (only very slightly raised), given my BMI (which is 32), and gave me the all-clear to go to the gym and push my heart hard

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Well I saw the doc as a follow up to those blood tests (low white cell count). He says he suspects vitamin B12/folate deficiency. So more blood tests later this week.

He mentioned he is impressed at my blood pressure (normal) and cholesterol (only very slightly raised), given my BMI (which is 32), and gave me the all-clear to go to the gym and push my heart hard

Thumbs up. This sounds encouraging, Cattypuss. Congrats on the bp and cholesterol!

----

And a nice satiny hug to Satin. Hang in there.

 

[satindesire]

I really appreciate the advice and time you all have taken to help me.

There are a few things I want to note, just in case.

Our kids are less than two years old. We've been together for five years, and his libido suddenly dropped about six months into our relationship, WELL before I got pregnant the first time.

He's been checked by a doctor for blood pressure problems, diabetes, and a host of other health problems. He's in great physical shape, his weight is smack in the ideal place for his height, and he gets semi-regular exercise.

When he stopped smoking and was getting more regular and more rigorous exercise, his libido did not improve.

When it comes to stress due to jobs, etc, right now he is currently unemployed but even when he did work, his libido was low.

I do about 60% of the childcare, and my parents do about 10%. I do about 80% of the cooking and cleaning in the house, so he's not exactly burdened with a ton of stressful chores and childcare. I take on literally as MUCH as I can emotionally stand to try and give him as much free time as possible in the hopes that living easily will boost his drive, so far to no avail. He gets free time daily with no kids to relax, but it has done nothing to help him feel sexual towards me.

I have talked to him multiple times and I regularly (about once every few months) bring it up, in a gentle, non-judgmental, compassionate and loving way.

Still, all the effort I am doing has caused nothing but pain in my relationship. He still has almost no desire for me and doesn't seem interested in trying to boost it.

He's CONTENT with his sex drive the current level it is.

If he doesn't recognize that it's an issue for me, there's nothing I can do.

 

[minx1]

Think I might be kidding myself. Possibly should have gone too.

 

[Cattypuss]

Thumbs up. This sounds encouraging, Cattypuss. Congrats on the bp and cholesterol!

Thanks DGE - I have everything crossed that your results will be 100% fine

 

[the captians wench]

*huggles for satin* I really wish I knew what to say. When I was seperating, my ex husband sited my over active sex drive as one of the reasons he wanted out of the marriage. I still think he was looking for something, anything to find fault in me, and that was all he could come up with. I'm not sure what else you can do that you haven't mentioned.


*pouncy huggles for Cattypuss* Yeah!

My blurt: I think I was hoping to be traveling this week on some level that I didn't recognize. This whole month I've been depressed and lonesome, but midweek last week it was almost like a weight lifting off my shoulders. I do suspect some of it was hormonal, but now I can see how much I really was hoping for something I had never planned to hope for.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well I saw the doc as a follow up to those blood tests (low white cell count). He says he suspects vitamin B12/folate deficiency. So more blood tests later this week.

He mentioned he is impressed at my blood pressure (normal) and cholesterol (only very slightly raised), given my BMI (which is 32), and gave me the all-clear to go to the gym and push my heart hard

Al sounds good....and I imagine some relief for you after the wait.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

He's CONTENT with his sex drive the current level it is.

If he doesn't recognize that it's an issue for me, there's nothing I can do.

Maybe this is your answer. It may just be that he does not have a high libido and the initial 6 months was either something he did to keep you interested, or just a getting to know you phase which dropped off once the relationship was more established. It doesn't help you though in terms of understanding and accepting it. I hope you find some answers soon.

Catalina