The Retaking of Aine OOC

[Jedi_Khan]

Awake already, Jedi?

Yeah, unfortunately. I have to up by nine every morning except on weekends to go to class. Morning classes suck.

Edit: *sees your post* Holy sh.... and that's only half?!?

 

[Qyron]

Actually that is 2/3 of the post. It's still missing the final part of the butchering of the talarine raid party and the closing of the post.

Sorry to take so long with this, but...

Oh! And I already took out a repeated part of the post. Damn connection...

PS: start hacking on it. I know my english is out of date

Reviews and critics are welcome. (turning around to look for that big mace he saw on the foot locker the other day) Found it! Now... who's the first volunteer?

 

[Jedi_Khan]

Hm...it is probably about 7 or 8 pm where you are, right Qyron?

How are you?

 

[Qyron]

8h08pm, jedi, to be precise. Or 20h08m, as we normally use.
I'm fine, thank you. You?

 

[Jedi_Khan]

You use military time?

I'm doing well enough. I've got two more classes today, the first of which I'll have to be leaving for soon.

Edit: Whoops, I didn't notice the time. Sorry gotta go now. Shall we continue this conversation later?

 

[Qyron]

In Portugal we tend to use more the 24h based clock. Although, colloquially, if you ask someone for what time it is even though it may be past 12h00 almost everyone will answer its 1, 2, 3, 4, whatever the hour. But officially we use the 24h standard.

Edit: I'll be around for at least another 3 hours, so...

 

[Qyron]

Well, its 00h24 has I write this post. I've added a few more lines to the post.
Now the true fight begins. But its late and I'm too tired to press myself into keep punching the keys while punching myself on the head to come up with decent writing. Start chewing on that, people.

Have a nice day.

Q

 

[Jedi_Khan]

And I just got back from class. Darn.

 

[Wolfsister]

Well you asked for a review and help editing. So here it is.

While I'm not sure why you chose to do an 1st person narrative in the middle of a 3rd person post (in a different character as well!) I can see the point. You may have done better by explaining just who the 1st person character was though, there are some differring points in your post (which I'll point out). All in all, though, pretty good. I hope the rest of them are up to this par.

Here are some lines I picked out. I may have missed some, sorry for that.
Bold is what you've written. Anything in "" those marks will be my suggestions and anything in Italics will be my thoughts.

1)a few recently fell trees lying on the side of the road that followed strait through the woods

a few recently "felled" trees laying on the side of the road that followed "straight" through the woods.

Just some things to do with spelling and tense. "Felled" is the past tense of the verb fell or to fell. And "straight" was a spelling thing. A "strait" as you wrote it is actually a body of water stretched between two lands.

2) It was an excellent craftsmanship work and

"It was an excellent piece of craftsmanship" or "an excellent work of craftsmanship"

Just some sentence structure here.

3) the giant´s hand and hanged it by the head in a leather loop on her

Here again the tenses and grammar come into play. "Hanged" can only be used when you describe how the hunging was done. ie "he was hanged" or "They hanged him". For this sentence, I would suggest using the word "hung"

"the giant's hand and hung it by the head in a leather loop on her...."

4) carefully, but discretely, until a wolf

"discreetly"

spelling

5)they invaded out homes and killed

"our homes"

I think you just may have missed this. A typo or something.

6) Some throw themselves and drowned

"Some threw themselves...."

Watch your tensing and verb structures.

7) too much much taken of panic to remember how to swim

Here I would suggest changing your sentence structure completely. IE: "too much taken with panic to remember how to swim." or "too panicked to have remembered how to swim" or "so panicked they had forgotten their ability to swim."

8)A thunder cracked in the distance and it began to rain.

In english, we do not take Thunder and Lightning as a single entity. Much like how the plural for Sheep is Sheep (not sheeps). The words and the surrounding words do not need to reflect a single lightning or thunder. If you desire to, however, you need to explain it first IE : "a single clap of thunder." or " a strike of lightning." Thunder and Lightning as far as I know do not have plural forms.

"Thunder cracked in the distance and it began to rain."


9)Then a lightning scorched

Explained in above example.

10) understood what was for me to do when

this sentence makes no sense, so you will need to change the structure of it to better convey your meaning. I assume it is this:

"I understand what it was for me to" but a better structure, something that flows better in the mind would be: "I knew what I had to do" or "I understood what it was I had to do"

11) over the thunders broke the

Plurals of 'thunder' again.

12) stuck on the side of his head. I

Just a semantics thing:

"stuck in the side of his head."

13) I ran back to the inn with Lewlinn under my arm

This is what I was talking about in the first paragraph. The reader is left with no idea, when you switch characters, of who these characters are. Though I thought it strange you had switched to first person POV - I thought that you were still writing as your Athalan, Nayil. You need to explain who you are to the readers. After a while, you inferred that you were this "Lewlinn" however in a sentence later you are carrying said Lewlinn under your arm. This confuses the reader as they have no idea from whose POV they are reading from. That is how a connection with readers is lost. That said, a better explanation of who you are is in order.

14) The heavy closed behind me

I assume you mean "the heavy door"

14) a short pray to the gods

The correct word in this instance is: Prayer

15)whatever it was that was heavy was

Again, sentence structure. I would suggest simplifying what it is you want to say.

"whatever was heavy enough" will do. And think about tensing, the last word would be "were" instead of "was" as you "are" dragging the items to the door.

16)**<Shiona, we can´t stay here. If they set the inn on fire we´ll roast alive here.>

Watch your repetition in sentences. Even in speech. A good way is to actually say things out loud and see if you would say what you have written, or if it would tie your tongue. Once again, simplifying things is the best bet.

"Shiona, we can't stay here. If they set the inn on fire, we'll be roasted alive." or "we'll roast alive" you've already stated "here" and "inn" the reader gets it now.

17)battles they had though and enemies

Word insertion.

"battles they had been through..."

18)dared to make any questions

I would suggest using the word "ask" instead of "make". It adds a 'human' element to something that is said, rather than a clinical overview.

19) against its massive chest with his arms;

When you are describing things, especially people, you need to find its noun and stick with it. In this paragraph you describe a barbarian first as an 'it' and then as a 'him'. Choose one. Remember, 'it' implies something without gender, unless you first state what it is you're describing:

"the barbarian enclosed him against its massive chest" or

"he enclosed him against his massive chest."

Try not to switch in the middle of a sentence.

20)knee made the articulation bend in the

"Articulation" is an adjective. (a describing word) You are looking for the word "joint". So depending on the sentence:

"knee, making the joint bend at an unnatural angle" or " knee, bending the joint so that... etc"

21)a breaking piece of wood and

sentence structure and flow.

"a piece of wood breaking"


22)as the thunders cracked in the sky

Problems with plurals again.


Anyway, I hope this all helps and was what you were looking for. Not bad for a second written language.

 

[Qyron]

Just read your feedback, WS. Its quite funny to actually discuss this subject with a native-speaker of English. Let´s start:

1) that verb was giving me a hard time. Actually, most English verbs put my head on a spin. In my language, although we have many irregular verbs, each person in each tense of the verb is a single, distinct, word that solely defines the tense of the entire phrase. English verbs require for the entire sentence to be written to accommodate the verb and define the tense. You get the idea...

About the strait/straight... well. On the paragraph above that I used the correct form, so I´d assume it was a typo.

2) this a classic. Craftsmanship, as a single word, does not exist in Portuguese. The phrase I used is almost a literal translation of a sentence I would have to use to say what I meant in the post.

3) see number 1 first. To hang, in Portuguese, as the action to put something up is one verb. Hanging, as an execution is a totally different verb. Example follows:

Ela pendurou o machado numa argola de couro, no cinto.
She hung the hatchet in a leather loop on her belt.

Ele foi enforcado.
He was hanged.

4)

5) you guessed right

6) I had this one right, then in a review I changed it.

7) read the above.

8)&9) you pretty much guessed it. Thunder an Lightning can be counted separately in Portuguese. In fact, we have very few words that do not vary in form when in single and plural; pencil is one of them. As for the the words that started all of this: thunder(trovão)/thunder(trovões), lightning(relâmpago)/lightning(relâmpagos).
We can pin-point a single "lightning" or "thunder" because we see it as individual "objects". You have to had the clap/strike particle.

10) explained above

11) gone

12) I tend to confuse that a lot

13) the confusion was intentionally created, although I understand your POV.
I use the different POV because I tend to write in a very "visual" way, jumping from one character to another; this creates confusion but it is intentionally put there. Although I take the great risk of boring the reader, upon a second or third reading you can jump from character to character like I do. Most books are written from a single POV, which leads the reader to identify itself with a particular character or identify with a character in a single moment. I "force" the reader to jump and see the same thing or different parts of the same thing by separate POV. Its a risk I take voluntarily. In English the risk is higher because your language is mostly genderless.

14) assumed correctly

14)(again) prayer I assumed it would the person praying. Thanks for the heads up.

15) it does sound better now

16) repeat previous

17) inserted

18) colloquialism issue over translation

19) I was running on fumes at that hour...

20) direct translation. We don´t distinguish terms in this. "joint" is a point where to pieces of something come together; "articulation" (articulação) is the bone mecanism. Corrected.

21) flowing

22) corrected

Thanks for the help. Now for the second part: was it enjoyable to actually read the stuff?

 

[Wolfsister]

Of course it was enjoyable. But apart from that, that doesn't really help you to become a better english writer does it? Hope I'm not stepping on any toes by editing.

Also, with the POV thing, I realise that was your intention, and actually I have read many, many books that do this (they were all pretty good and some were favourites) but what I had a problem with was that the reader couldn't identify *who* you were when you wrote. When you switch characters you need to let readers know. At least give your character a name, that way they can identify and enjoy what is happening within the text.

 

[Qyron]

Let's go by parts... As Jack the Ripper stated...

Of course it was enjoyable.

Thank you for that, WS.

Hope I'm not stepping on any toes by editing.

Hard to do that. After all, I did required reviews... And besides, I was watching for where you stepped.

[...]with the POV thing, [...] I had a problem with was that the reader couldn't identify *who* you were when you wrote. When you switch characters you need to let readers know. At least give your character a name, that way they can identify and enjoy what is happening within the text.

True. parts of the text can and will be reviewed to work around these flaws. Thank you foor pointing them out. But sometimes the confusion will remain... Sometimes is just what I'm aiming for.

As for the rest of the post, after a few days without web connection, I will be trying my best to put up the rest of the thing before the end of the week. Reviews are appreciated, of course. And edits...

 

[Qyron]

Everybody got kicked out of the net?

 

[Jedi_Khan]

I'm still here, just not paying that much attention.

 

[Qyron]

hey, jedi

Lurking?

 

[Jedi_Khan]

Yeah, waiting for something to happen that I can get involved in.

 

[Qyron]

you will be posting after WS, right?
I must have a chat with her. If the people still working on this are still interested in get the thing going, I think I may have another person interested in participating.

 

[Jedi_Khan]

Probably, once I have something to work with. Keep in mind, that Kalika's character is in there as well, and I need to take her character's actions into account.

Another person is interested, eh? I wonder what happened to the other person, the one who claimed he was going to break the monotany.

So, what's the story with the other person? And how's the last part of the post coming?

 

[Qyron]

well, I spoke with the person and she will be thinking about it

 

[Jedi_Khan]

well, I spoke with the person and she will be thinking about it

"She," eh? I'm detecting a definite difference in the amount of estrogen vs. testosterone present in this story, meaning women outnumber men. What's up with that?

 

[Qyron]

it is not the numbers that count, jedi.

Over here, we say that its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. Perspective, Jedi.

 

[Jedi_Khan]

I was joking.

But yes, I have heard that saying before, oddly enough.

 

[Qyron]

We use this over here, because our average men don´t have more than 5´9.
So, when in a fight with someone bigger, we usually give that one out. And the smaller dude normally wins.

 

[Jedi_Khan]

Interesting.

Well, as much as I'd like to stay and chat, it's late here and I have to get up at an ungodly hour to go to class. Good night, Qyron.

 

[Qyron]

hey, jedi. Lurking around?