The Sexless Marriage Hookup Thread

[Mel123]

So I read through this thread and it seems like most people miss the good old days of having just been married. I just got married and I don't want to be in your shoes!

Looking back, are there any signs that you saw that perhaps I should keep in mind and work to fix if/when they happen? It seems like so many of you still love your spouse, but are just missing sex. Any thoughts/experiences would be greatly appreciated!

 

[zztechnrex]

Hubby doesn't want to

I'm one of the unlucky ladies whose hubby isn't interested much anymore. Or at least in me. He told me a year ago he had an addiction to masturbation and used that as a substitute. So that left me out. I tried to be whatever he wanted. I offered to do whatever and for a while it seemed to work. I then found out that he was having an online fling with a lady he use to work with. So again I tried everything even said we could have a 3some with her. That didn't happen luckily. Then after all that, he told me I made him feel like a sex machine. That I wanted it too much. So I backed off, and now I'm lucky to get it once or twice a month. And I don't get much lead time either to get warmed up. I just have to wait on him and be "ready" at any time. Not much fun going on.
I think maybe he knows he's got it too easy and doesn't have to work for it much. But if I act like I'm not in the mood, then I don't get any at all.

I'm ready to give up.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

I never thought I would post here...yet there are some things that I don't just put out for all the world to read, but this is me being open.

I know that for men, physical attraction is ALWAYS first - men want the "hottie w/ the body" and usually when they look at a woman they view as attractive, the only thing they even see in her, is an image of their cock.

I've never been Barbie doll, I wasn't when I got married, and I'm not now. I wasn't a size anorexic when I got married, nor am I a size anorexic now. My weight if anything has stayed the same, tho recently it's been dropping b/c of the stress in my life.

I've been married for a little over 9 years, and in the time I've been married I can count on 1 hand how many times my husband (oh how I HATE to even call him that!) has EVER initiated sex w/ me; the times when he did initiate would crush me simply b/c I wanted the intimacy SO badly that I couldn't reject him, even tho I wanted to reject him where he would know the hurt that I experienced every time he would reject me.

I'll never forget the night of our wedding and he complained about me wanting to have sex w/ him...WTF There were times when we were newly married where I logged MONTHS between any form of sexual contact, to the extent of physical contact -there were never hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc., The times when we would have sex were always extremely VANILLA, missionary or woman on top, NO foreplay and he would use a condom (even tho I was on the pill).

I thought that when he returned from his deployment to Iraq (Valentines day 2010) that it would spark a change for our sex lives - so much for that thought *sigh*. During the time he was gone I discovered Lit, and had bought various toys, etc., That night, I placed a vibrating cock ring on him - I wanted him to see that there was nothing wrong w/ adding spice to our sex lives - he ended up losing his erection while wearing the cock ring, then blamed me for having been "too wet". I ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

There have been times where I would send him teasing, flirtatious text messages, to the extent some were graphic and included pictures- whether it be a description of how much I would love to drop to my knees and suck his cock, to the extent that I took a pic of a toy while inside me, and told him I would love for him to take it out and replace it w/ his cock. In all those text messages I sent him...he never replied to ANY of them. Some I sent while we were in the same room as other people so I KNOW he got the text message, b/c I would catch his eyes and he would look at me as tho the texts were a massive interruption, and he wouldn't even bother to entertain the ideas.

There have been times when he would walk in on me playing w/ myself and I would upfront ask him "wanna fuck me" and sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't. The times he would, he never lasted past 10 minutes.

There have been times I would try to suggest that he may want to check w/ his doctor to see if there's a reason for his loss of libido (he's 36) and he would stubbornly refuse saying nothing was wrong w/ him...yeah umm okay.

He knows I'm on Lit, I tried to get him involved on Lit, and he's treated me like I'm crazy & disturbed. In the interim I've discovered that while he's been hypocritical of me for embracing my sexuality, he's "closeting" his desires and is on multiple sex sites, watching porn etc., It confuses me to NO end b/c for SO LONG I would encourage him to talk dirty to me during sex, I would suggest watching porn w/ him (he fell asleep while watching it ) I tried to introduce new positions (if he didn't complain), I would ask about fetishes/fantasies he had etc., I may not understand all of them, but I never acted paranoid by them. It just is beyond my understanding WTH is his problem!

Naturally there have been things I've done outside my marriage -none of which I'm proud of, it's never gotten to the extent of sex w/ anyone else- but I've always been honest w/ him...and not once have I tried to justify my behaviour to say "Well if you would do ____ I wouldn't have done ____" If anything I've always owned my behaviour. Some would suggest that what I've done has probably turned him off from loving me, I'm not sure...perhaps, but if so that doesn't explain the early months in our marriage when he would deny me.

I'm at a point of thinking
1. he's gay/bi (after seeing websites he's been on)
2. he's screwing around (various indicators).

Looking back our sex life has seemingly always been like this and it frustrates me to NO end. Who was the dumbass that said men have the higher sex drive and women don't think of sex - he sure as HELL never met me! I've done all that I know to do, and I'm tired of trying w/ him.

It's now been over 6+ months since we've even done anything, we no longer sleep in the same bed. I don't foresee staying married much longer to him, and I wouldn't say lack of sex would be the reason...tho it would be one of them (amongst others)

 

[erygel]

Similar boat

I am in a similar boat to everyone here....not long married (a year and 4 months), and haven't had sex since our anniversary. Unfortunately my wife has had some medical issues (UTIs, and a bad reaction to some anti-biotics she took to prevent them), so that has scared her a bit about sex. The other issue is the birth control she is on has taken away all of her libido. She has finally decided to just go off birth control, so I am hopeful her libido comes back, but it is definitely hard being young and newly married and not having sex.

Definitely up to chatting about it if anyone wants to discuss.

 

[element2005usa]

erygel, i can somewhat relate. I have been married for 3 years, and my wife and I at first had a pretty decent routine, but then it started to slow considerably. Now, it is lucky if i get it more than once per month. We are both young, 26, and we do have a daughter which has obviously modified my wife's drive a bit, but there is very little drive in her. If you ever need to talk, hit me up on here or you can message me on yahoo. Sometimes its great to vent to someone who can relate.

 

[element2005usa]

I just stumbled upon this thread and it definitely makes me feel better just knowing that there are so many other people out there who are in the same situation. It sounds like, for the most part, we all have solid marriages that are great except for the fact that none of us are getting the physical attention we need. I am glad that there is a place for all of us to post and help each other out and seek advice. I am sure many of us will become good friends.

 

[FERDY]

How did we all get in the same boat?

Very interesting thread. Sex is an important part of ones life. Not only sex but the affection and love that goes along with it. I agree with those who have said that withholding these things is really violating the marriage vows. My wife has had some medical problems but there is also the fact that she seems to believe that after a certain age, sex is something that is any longer necessary. Unfortunately, this is a unilateral decision which in some ways hurts even more than the withholding. She says she still loves me. Am I being shallow in questioning that?

 

[smilingrelaxed]

My Thoughts

This is an important thread. It’s hard for me to post my thoughts because I’m conflicted. My wife is wonderful, and our personalities click. We work together closely, and we do well at work. At home, we never see each other and our sex life is nil. As soon as we were married, she lost interest. After our child was born, she always put the child’s needs first, as it should be most of the time. However, over the years and many conversations with her, the child’s needs are always used as a reason for not being available, being too tired, etc. Once the child was older, dogs came into the picture and took the child’s place. She cuddles more with the dogs and licks their faces than my own. Recently, I tried to kiss her, and she didn’t reciprocate. Instead of turning toward me, our glasses clinked. She laughed, but still didn’t reciprocate. I realize that my wife has issues. She dresses in a dowdy manner. I tell her to go shopping for herself and buy whatever she would like, and she comes home with something for the child. She doesn’t spend money on herself. For years she wore her mother’s clothing; and after 10 years, there are still many items that belonged to her mother that are still in her closet. I don’t believe she is continuing to grieve; instead, she will not shop for new clothing for herself. She is not happy with her body, and she has grown a big muffin top, but she will not curb her diet of excessive carbohydrates and diet soda. She’ll go through bursts of exercising, actually overdoing it, and then stops for long periods of time. When she exercises, she feels better and has more confidence; which is sexy. However, her exercise schedule will always be superseded by the needs of our child.

We work long hours in our business, and we are both tired in the evening, but I’m 47 years old and I’m beginning to feel “old”. In many ways, I feel as I did 20 years ago or more. Sex is not always about tension reduction; I see it as a way to celebrate life even if you’re not trying to conceive one. I’m not ready to hang it up, but I feel that time is bearing down on me, and jerking off is not fulfilling anymore. Before I was married, I could do it at least twice a day or more. Now, I’m so tired and frustrated that I’m happy if my drive strengthens once a week. If I could enjoy only one half of 1% of the fantasies I’ve created in my mind, my life would be fulfilled.

I hope this thread stays alive. Maybe we can help each other.

 

[sbelle79]

Ok I have the opposite problems. Been married 12 years been together 17 and I'm the one who complains about not enough sex He is the one who says not tonight honey I have a headache. I'm the one who likes porn and toys. We used to have great sc but now in lucky if it's twice a month. And I'm the one whole plays with my self daily because he never wants too. And no I'm not ugly. I think the problem may have come from I married a virgin and he has no idea how good he has it. Hell, I brought sexy bra and panties and he didn't notice. So anyway, that's from the other side.

totally not the only chick with that problem sweetcheeks! i can identify with just about all your posts here.....sigh.

 

[element2005usa]

i am sure both of you sbelle and sweetcheeks will be bombarded by pm's after those posts simply based off your profile pics. What's interesting is that its not just women that are having problems with their drive, but its men also. I was rather shocked to see that, and I feel for you both.

 

[edal1959]

Hubby and I were a 3 times a day couple when we first got together. Now it's more like once a month...if I'm lucky. I hate feeling like he's taking pity on me and fucking me. I want to be wanted.

Kitty, he's a fool. I've seen several of your posts. I want you...

 

[edal1959]

I never thought I would post here...yet there are some things that I don't just put out for all the world to read, but this is me being open.

I know that for men, physical attraction is ALWAYS first - men want the "hottie w/ the body" and usually when they look at a woman theyio view as attractive, the only thing they even see in her, is an image of their cock.

I've never been Barbie doll, I wasn't when I got married, and I'm not now. I wasn't a size anorexic when I got married, nor am I a size anorexic now. My weight if anything has stayed the same, tho recently it's been dropping b/c of the stress in my life.

I've been married for a little over 9 years, and in the time I've been married I can count on 1 hand how many times my husband (oh how I HATE to even call him that!) has EVER initiated sex w/ me; the times when he did initiate would crush me simply b/c I wanted the intimacy SO badly that I couldn't reject him, even tho I wanted to reject him where he would know the hurt that I experienced every time he would reject me.

I'll never forget the night of our wedding and he complained about me wanting to have sex w/ him...WTF There were times when we were newly married where I logged MONTHS between any form of sexual contact, to the extent of physical contact -there were never hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc., The times when we would have sex were always extremely VANILLA, missionary or woman on top, NO foreplay and he would use a condom (even tho I was on the pill).

I thought that when he returned from his deployment to Iraq (Valentines day 2010) that it would spark a change for our sex lives - so much for that thought *sigh*. During the time he was gone I discovered Lit, and had bought various toys, etc., That night, I placed a vibrating cock ring on him - I wanted him to see that there was nothing wrong w/ adding spice to our sex lives - he ended up losing his erection while wearing the cock ring, then blamed me for having been "too wet". I ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

There have been times where I would send him teasing, flirtatious text messages, to the extent some were graphic and included pictures- whether it be a description of how much I would love to drop to my knees and suck his cock, to the extent that I took a pic of a toy while inside me, and told him I would love for him to take it out and replace it w/ his cock. In all those text messages I sent him...he never replied to ANY of them. Some I sent while we were in the same room as other people so I KNOW he got the text message, b/c I would catch his eyes and he would look at me as tho the texts were a massive interruption, and he wouldn't even bother to entertain the ideas.

There have been times when he would walk in on me playing w/ myself and I would upfront ask him "wanna fuck me" and sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't. The times he would, he never lasted past 10 minutes.

There have been times I would try to suggest that he may want to check w/ his doctor to see if there's a reason for his loss of libido (he's 36) and he would stubbornly refuse saying nothing was wrong w/ him...yeah umm okay.

He knows I'm on Lit, I tried to get him involved on Lit, and he's treated me like I'm crazy & disturbed. In the interim I've discovered that while he's been hypocritical of me for embracing my sexuality, he's "closeting" his desires and is on multiple sex sites, watching porn etc., It confuses me to NO end b/c for SO LONG I would encourage him to talk dirty to me during sex, I would suggest watching porn w/ him (he fell asleep while watching it ) I tried to introduce new positions (if he didn't complain), I would ask about fetishes/fantasies he had etc., I may not understand all of them, but I never acted paranoid by them. It just is beyond my understanding WTH is his problem!

Naturally there have been things I've done outside my marriage -none of which I'm proud of, it's never gotten to the extent of sex w/ anyone else- but I've always been honest w/ him...and not once have I tried to justify my behaviour to say "Well if you would do ____ I wouldn't have done ____" If anything I've always owned my behaviour. Some would suggest that what I've done has probably turned him off from loving me, I'm not sure...perhaps, but if so that doesn't explain the early months in our marriage when he would deny me.

I'm at a point of thinking
1. he's gay/bi (after seeing websites he's been on)
2. he's screwing around (various indicators).

Looking back our sex life has seemingly always been like this and it frustrates me to NO end. Who was the dumbass that said men have the higher sex drive and women don't think of sex - he sure as HELL never met me! I've done all that I know to do, and I'm tired of trying w/ him.

It's now been over 6+ months since we've even done anything, we no longer sleep in the same bed. I don't foresee staying married much longer to him, and I wouldn't say lack of sex would be the reason...tho it would be one of them (amongst others)

Wow. It's just hard to believe that, while most of us guys are missing the intimacy of marital sex, that there are such sensual women out here in the same situation. If my wife was half as hot as you, if be happy.

 

[Chuck43]

I never thought I would post here...yet there are some things that I don't just put out for all the world to read, but this is me being open.

I know that for men, physical attraction is ALWAYS first - men want the "hottie w/ the body" and usually when they look at a woman they view as attractive, the only thing they even see in her, is an image of their cock.

I've never been Barbie doll, I wasn't when I got married, and I'm not now. I wasn't a size anorexic when I got married, nor am I a size anorexic now. My weight if anything has stayed the same, tho recently it's been dropping b/c of the stress in my life.

I've been married for a little over 9 years, and in the time I've been married I can count on 1 hand how many times my husband (oh how I HATE to even call him that!) has EVER initiated sex w/ me; the times when he did initiate would crush me simply b/c I wanted the intimacy SO badly that I couldn't reject him, even tho I wanted to reject him where he would know the hurt that I experienced every time he would reject me.

I'll never forget the night of our wedding and he complained about me wanting to have sex w/ him...WTF There were times when we were newly married where I logged MONTHS between any form of sexual contact, to the extent of physical contact -there were never hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc., The times when we would have sex were always extremely VANILLA, missionary or woman on top, NO foreplay and he would use a condom (even tho I was on the pill).

I thought that when he returned from his deployment to Iraq (Valentines day 2010) that it would spark a change for our sex lives - so much for that thought *sigh*. During the time he was gone I discovered Lit, and had bought various toys, etc., That night, I placed a vibrating cock ring on him - I wanted him to see that there was nothing wrong w/ adding spice to our sex lives - he ended up losing his erection while wearing the cock ring, then blamed me for having been "too wet". I ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

There have been times where I would send him teasing, flirtatious text messages, to the extent some were graphic and included pictures- whether it be a description of how much I would love to drop to my knees and suck his cock, to the extent that I took a pic of a toy while inside me, and told him I would love for him to take it out and replace it w/ his cock. In all those text messages I sent him...he never replied to ANY of them. Some I sent while we were in the same room as other people so I KNOW he got the text message, b/c I would catch his eyes and he would look at me as tho the texts were a massive interruption, and he wouldn't even bother to entertain the ideas.

There have been times when he would walk in on me playing w/ myself and I would upfront ask him "wanna fuck me" and sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn't. The times he would, he never lasted past 10 minutes.

There have been times I would try to suggest that he may want to check w/ his doctor to see if there's a reason for his loss of libido (he's 36) and he would stubbornly refuse saying nothing was wrong w/ him...yeah umm okay.

He knows I'm on Lit, I tried to get him involved on Lit, and he's treated me like I'm crazy & disturbed. In the interim I've discovered that while he's been hypocritical of me for embracing my sexuality, he's "closeting" his desires and is on multiple sex sites, watching porn etc., It confuses me to NO end b/c for SO LONG I would encourage him to talk dirty to me during sex, I would suggest watching porn w/ him (he fell asleep while watching it ) I tried to introduce new positions (if he didn't complain), I would ask about fetishes/fantasies he had etc., I may not understand all of them, but I never acted paranoid by them. It just is beyond my understanding WTH is his problem!

Naturally there have been things I've done outside my marriage -none of which I'm proud of, it's never gotten to the extent of sex w/ anyone else- but I've always been honest w/ him...and not once have I tried to justify my behaviour to say "Well if you would do ____ I wouldn't have done ____" If anything I've always owned my behaviour. Some would suggest that what I've done has probably turned him off from loving me, I'm not sure...perhaps, but if so that doesn't explain the early months in our marriage when he would deny me.

I'm at a point of thinking
1. he's gay/bi (after seeing websites he's been on)
2. he's screwing around (various indicators).

Looking back our sex life has seemingly always been like this and it frustrates me to NO end. Who was the dumbass that said men have the higher sex drive and women don't think of sex - he sure as HELL never met me! I've done all that I know to do, and I'm tired of trying w/ him.

It's now been over 6+ months since we've even done anything, we no longer sleep in the same bed. I don't foresee staying married much longer to him, and I wouldn't say lack of sex would be the reason...tho it would be one of them (amongst others)

Sensualdreamer I know just how you feel and wished to hell my wife would do a 1/4 of the things you do. Oh and just so you know, I'm a retired Air Force Chief (26 years) and while I appreciate your husbands service to his country, he should be ashamed of the way he treats you. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make!

 

[MarathonATL]

Well, I guess I can throw my hat in the proverbial sexually frustrated ring as well. My wife and I used to have sex a lot, sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes very kinky stuff, she was always trying to turn me on in new ways, trying toys, mutual masturbation, creampies, anal play (both ways), lots of oral, different positions, places, rooms, etc.

Now, I am in my 40's and I am lucky, real lucky, to get more than a hand job once a month. I still masturbate once a day, but she typically has no part of it. She knows, but she chooses to just let me do the "chore" myself. When we do, she always says that it was mind blowing, I always make sure she cums first, and I always think "wow"...how can she not want to do this again soon??

 

[dirtwrench]

My wife and I had a conversation about this problem just a few days ago. After 20 plus yrs of marraige she just isn't horny anymore. She has assured me that she is not screwing around, just plain not interested. I still want it 3-4 times a week, and she wants it 3-4 times a year. I asked her, because she is no longer intersted, if I could find someone who was- she had a fit. As in total screaming/yelling/dam near called the cops or got a gun for protection fit. Somehow this worked out to sex twice this past weekend. Those before me have coined the phrase vannila sex. Uep, jacking off would have been more exciting. Problem is, she absolutely won't try anything new. Will not let me have any foreplay. Doesn't like oral- giving or receiving, flat refuses anal, wants to start missionary, get on top, cum and just lay there expecting me to finnish quick.

I know I actually have it better than a lot who have posted here. I meant it when I took my vows, but damn, I really want more out of this life. Thank you for letting me vent.It does help just knowing I am not alone in this problem. Now if only there were actually some ladies close by that were in the same boat, maybe we could help each other.

 

[jay57]

thank god for this thread, i never knew who to talk to being an only child, i was very close to my father,but since he and my mum died i have no one to confide in, this is my second marriage, and as much as i love my wife, she is just not interested, i love using my tongue but she used to say ok after a minute ir two then it was, as you say ,vanilla sex, five minutes tops, as soon as she was satified, goodnight, i will never leave her as i do truly love her and sex is only part of our relationship,albeit,an important one, but what to do, i dont earn much plus jobs at the moment are precarious in my profession(support worker), so i cannot go and pay/or find someone else, ergo, im in the same situation as everybody else on here,the "genie in a bottle" scenario, so much passion inside, no one to let it out, but its good to get it off my chest, thanks.

 

[klippert]

So,

How many men and women are out there who are in the painful situation of being in a sexless marriage and looking to hook up? Perhaps we can get a run down on who is out there and where. Seems to me that the online dating community is basically useless for this, and so-called "affairs" sites are a waste of time too.

I am not looking for morality calls on whether it is right or not to have such an affair, but would like to meet someone who is in the same situation and help others connect.

one hump, suck, handy, in near a yr. I ask her what the deal is and get bumpkus. I think I could hook up with an ex-GF of my best man... she is married as well.. I can't quit gauge the situation. This nothing to do with a 'loveless' marriage... quit the contrary. The mrs. has no sex drive.... I have an endless sex drive.... help...

 

[dchockeyman]

Hubby and I were a 3 times a day couple when we first got together. Now it's more like once a month...if I'm lucky. I hate feeling like he's taking pity on me and fucking me. I want to be wanted.

How he can't want you every second of every day is beyond me, pretty. You are amazingly sexy; I'd never leave the house if you were there

 

[john-the-author]

Yes, same here. I love my wife enormously and there are so many things about our relationship that I enjoy, but the lack of much of a sex life since we got married is really annoying. She was very horny when we were dating, but she's tapered off considerably and we're now at once every 2-3 weeks. (She once made a claim that we had sex "often" and I got curious and logged every time we had sex for two years. The average was once every 16 days, with a high gap of 2 months.)

She's not very physical and not at all experimental. There's a good deal of love but no sex. Damn.

 

[mdbigdee]

No sex in 15 years...wife is totally uninterested in sex....but I still need relief.

 

[Vagabond357]

I've told my story in this thread already. But I wanted to add that I think it is very cruel not to have sex with your spouse over long periods of time. We didn't have sex for over a year once. It is torture for the one that wants sex. Male or female doesn't matter. It's still very cruel to do to someone.

 

[txblush]

I haven't told my story here on this thread. But I would like to say, 'thank you,' to those of you who have shared your situations and for making it clear that it isn't gender specific or that you have to be in a long time marriage for this to happen. While I'm not looking to hookup with anyone, it is nice to come across a discussion that makes me feel that I'm not alone.

 

[xxxpaulzzz]

so all you lovely ladies that are going short.... why not pick out a few guys mnames from this thread and send them and erotic mail or two?

may just find something to helps either you, him or preferably both.

if nothing else it shows you have a caring nature.

 

[Jason2112]

I too am in a sexless marriage. We've been married 5.5 years, been together 6.5. She changed after having our son. I love her more than anything, and would be smiling like an idiot everyday if we just had now what we had then. Tears me up inside on a daily basis. I have all the feelings mentioned, like we're roommates, etc.

So I come (cum? lol) online and get my thrills when i can. I do think of hooking up, and I guess if things don't change then I will at some point. Because as others have said, my desire for sex is overwhelming me.

 

[antiasexual]

nice to hear...

Nice to hear all the stories, even if the outcomes aren't so nice.

But hopefully this can be a real hook-up thread for some? BC here? No Canadians?

Cheers all.