upset over porn...

[lick_me_there]

ok, so i know, dont get upset, but still, this is really starting to piss me off and i dont know if there is anything i can even do about it...

so, those who know me, know that i usually go to bed about 4-5 hours before my bf. he likes to sit on-line and watch tv and stuff like that. well, we're planning on going on vacation in 3 days and he had mentioned that he found a site on our hotel but couldnt remember is. so, i went on-line while he was doing laundry to try to find it. i figured going thru history was easiest. holey shit i've never seen so much porn in my life!!! well (ok a little over exagerated there)...
so i've asked him about it and he has always said he doesnt look at much porn. bull shit. the porn itself doesnt bother me... its that he's seeming to choose it over me that hurts.

i try to dress up and look sexy every now and then and no matter what i do he makes fun of me. but then he's going and looking at the same thing on line!! i've started going to the gym.. i lost 2 inches (not that i'm fat or anything, just not fit) and he never says anything and he's looking at all these skinny girls....

its like he almost doesnt find me attractive.
i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

 

[LeahLo519]

Well if it gets worse or if you feel that he always chooses porn over you then you should ask him to see a therapist. There actually is an addiction to porn and it causes a lot of problems with couples.

 

[mrmgp]

ok, so i know, dont get upset, but still, this is really starting to piss me off and i dont know if there is anything i can even do about it...

so, those who know me, know that i usually go to bed about 4-5 hours before my bf. he likes to sit on-line and watch tv and stuff like that. well, we're planning on going on vacation in 3 days and he had mentioned that he found a site on our hotel but couldnt remember is. so, i went on-line while he was doing laundry to try to find it. i figured going thru history was easiest. holey shit i've never seen so much porn in my life!!! well (ok a little over exagerated there)...
so i've asked him about it and he has always said he doesnt look at much porn. bull shit. the porn itself doesnt bother me... its that he's seeming to choose it over me that hurts.

i try to dress up and look sexy every now and then and no matter what i do he makes fun of me. but then he's going and looking at the same thing on line!! i've started going to the gym.. i lost 2 inches (not that i'm fat or anything, just not fit) and he never says anything and he's looking at all these skinny girls....

its like he almost doesnt find me attractive.
i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

If he'd rather look at porn than you, find a man who'd rather look at you than porn.

 

[lick_me_there]

all the guys i've been with...

at least 2 of the guys that i've been with have out right chosen porn over me. is it me? am i just that unattractive that the guys i've been in love with would rather have a fantasy than whats real in front of them?

i already have really low selfesteem, i know that. i've been trying really hard for many years to change that. but it seems that no matter what i do, there is always another slap in the face by reality and my views about myself just sink deeper.

 

[EJFan]

there's no emotional attachment to porn... it's "free arousal" so to speak.

if you'd like to be objectified rather than loved, then i'd worry about his decision... if you're happy being loved first, then it's not such a big deal. i'm not saying you shouldn't talk it out with him but this is all it really is.

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

i already have really low selfesteem, i know that. i've been trying really hard for many years to change that. but it seems that no matter what i do, there is always another slap in the face by reality and my views about myself just sink deeper.

Everyone has insecurities. Stop basing your self-worth on what your boyfriend thinks of you & start basing it on what you think of yourself. Which I know is much easier said than done.

Or if you want revenge star in your own porno and give it to him as a present.

 

[SweetErika]

so i've asked him about it and he has always said he doesnt look at much porn. bull shit. the porn itself doesnt bother me... its that he's seeming to choose it over me that hurts.

i try to dress up and look sexy every now and then and no matter what i do he makes fun of me. but then he's going and looking at the same thing on line!! i've started going to the gym.. i lost 2 inches (not that i'm fat or anything, just not fit) and he never says anything and he's looking at all these skinny girls....

its like he almost doesnt find me attractive.
i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

My personal opinion on porn is that it's fine as long as we're honest with eachother. I really don't mind if he looks occasionally, and am happy to look together, but constant solo viewing and lying/not disclosing it would bother me a lot. I don't feel that's respectful in general, and given that we've talked about this, he knows it would really hurt me.

I don't know if you bf is just looking or masturbating after, but if that's a problem, you need to tell him how you feel and perhaps compromise or make some groundrules. Providing we're together, we give each other the opportunity to accept/decline sex first, and then we're more than welcome to masturbate if the other declines (and if it's him, masturbating generally includes porn, which is fine). Something like that may or may not work for you.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here though. Have you talked with him about how you feel when he makes fun of you or doesn't recognize your accomplishments or attractiveness? If not, frankly, you really can't feel hurt if you haven't given him the opportunities to fix it. If you have (and in my experience, sometimes it takes many conversations and reminders to get it through), then you may want to consider how much love and respect there really is in this relationship.

So, talk to him (again?) and try to clarify or work something out that makes you both happy. I think it's normal to look at porn, but it's not okay to not be honest with your partner about it.

 

[mrmgp]

at least 2 of the guys that i've been with have out right chosen porn over me. is it me? am i just that unattractive that the guys i've been in love with would rather have a fantasy than whats real in front of them?

i already have really low selfesteem, i know that. i've been trying really hard for many years to change that. but it seems that no matter what i do, there is always another slap in the face by reality and my views about myself just sink deeper.

I doubt that you are as unattractive as you probably feel you are. Every woman is beautiful in her own way. If the men you've been with cannot see that, than it is a flaw of theirs, not yours.

I know it's devastating to feel neglected and to feel that something else has a greater attraction to your partner than you do. There's no easy answer for you here, unfortunately. But I can assure you that somewhere out there is a man who is going to find you to be absolutely stunning, and even if he browses at porn from time to time, he'll never make you feel that you aren't desirable in his eyes.

Best of luck to you.

 

[SweetErika]

at least 2 of the guys that i've been with have out right chosen porn over me. is it me? am i just that unattractive that the guys i've been in love with would rather have a fantasy than whats real in front of them?

i already have really low selfesteem, i know that. i've been trying really hard for many years to change that. but it seems that no matter what i do, there is always another slap in the face by reality and my views about myself just sink deeper.

Well, this kind of adds a whole new dimension. Why do you say they've chosen porn over you? Have they consistently turned down sex to look at porn? Or, was it just something they did in addition to your sex life? Or, did you tell them "it's me or porn" and they chose the porn?

In my experience, even if people don't exercise an option (like looking at porn), they like to have it AVAILABLE to them...just in case. Even though my husband rarely looks at porn, I don't think he'd be too happy, nor would it be right for me, to tell him he can't do that anymore. Similarly, I wouldn't go for a ban on Lit, stories, or masturbation.

This thread might prove helpful with the self-esteem.

 

[Nikasha]

His and hers

We have LOTS of porn in the house. Some we share, some he likes and some I
like. Some we watch together. Half the week he works nights and I always work days, and the man is hornier than a two-peckered billy goat. As much as I love sex, I just cannot fuck 24/7. There's more to life than that. If he likes to rub one out before he goes to work, or after he gets home, that's ok. Porn is great for masturbation, and I don't feel that he loves me less because of it. I certainly don't love HIM less when I watch it. Porn that worked for me yesterday may not work for me today. And if I see something I like, I tend to download it, whether I ever look at it again or not. That seems to be the case with him too, because we must have 200 disks that are just gathering dust.

I don't know if all guys are like mine. I don't have the right equipment to make those kinds of generalizations. So, llike they've said before, talk to him about it.

 

[hob_knob]

My Experience

I had a girlfriend, many moons ago, who really didn't like me watching porn.

I tried to share it with her but it always made her feel uncomfortable. She always thought I was fantasising about those women while I fucked her. That really wasn't the case. I've always wanted to be as open as possible about my sexuality with my girlfriends but when they make it difficult you sometime have to start hiding what you do, and this always leads to problems.

However, if you are telling him that it is OK for him to look at it but he is still hiding it, then there may be a problem.

And shame on him for not notcing the efforts you go to!

 

[Halo_n_horns]

i try to dress up and look sexy every now and then and no matter what i do he makes fun of me. but then he's going and looking at the same thing on line!! i've started going to the gym.. i lost 2 inches (not that i'm fat or anything, just not fit) and he never says anything and he's looking at all these skinny girls....

its like he almost doesnt find me attractive.
i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

As was mentioned earlier, there's no emotional attachment to porn. There's also no performance anxiety because no one is actually there expecting you to do well or not so well. Anything can be seen in internet porn that one is probably afraid to ask of one's SO... etc., etc., etc.

My wife and I went through something similar to this once upon a time. It wasn't that I was choosing the porn over her so much as it was that I wanted to see and/or experience things that I didn't believe I could talk to her about. I got to the point some years ago where lingerie was no longer a turn-on and I was seeking out thrills that I didn't believe my wife would be in to. Fortunately, I was incorrect about that.

I think a lot of men believe that most women are perfectly willing to be our fantasy women well within the limits of their own comfort zones. And men, for the most part, are correct in assuming this. It's a rare woman who is willing, and even more so rare who finds pleasure in, being not only the love in our our life, but our fanatasies as well. The same goes for men for women's fantasies.

Perhaps simply seeing how much porn was in the history wasn't as far as you should have gone. Maybe taking the extra steps and seeing what kind of acts and ambience was in the porn, without concentrating on the physical attributes of the women in the pictures, would have answered more questions, and given you some ideas to work with? Also, don't forget the most basic fetish of internet porn: voyeurism. Maybe he really likes to watch at least as much as he likes to participate

 

[Melesse]

There's a couple things I see here that stand out.

Number one, he makes fun of you when you're trying to be sexy? That's something you need to talk with him about, at the very least. He may not know it's hurting you, and he definitely needs to. And how do you mean it seems like he's choosing it over you? Is he looking at it and masturbating on nights where you've offered yourself and he's turned you down? What about the others you mentioned? Like Erika asked, was it an ultimatum? Porn or Me? Cause I would have told you to take a hike had that been the choice too.

Now for a thought or two. First, guys like porn, and are going to look at it in varying amounts. Second, one person (as was recently mentioned in another thread) can't provide another with everything they need sexually (since we're focusing on porn). That being said, it would still be worthwhile to figure out what kind of porn he looks at cause that will give you more of an idea of what he wants to do. It's possible he has fantasies that he doesn't think you would do, and he spends all his time fantasizing with the porn girls, when that could be hot sex for you.

Last, could the problem be your low self esteem? Are you not satisfying him in some way that he feels he needs? Is your sex life missionary-inthedark style? People crave change, and people are attracted to self-confident people. Keep going to the gym, size nonwithstanding. It'll help you build your self esteem.

Maybe this is just a symptom of a need to reevaluate your relationship, and at the very least should result in a long conversation about sexual needs and wants, and respect.

EDIT: To add my own personal experiences...I love porn and look at it daily. Nothing strange about that. But it did used to upset my wife before we talked about it, and while I didn't exactly understand her problem (I mean, I understood what she was saying, but I didn't UNDERSTAND...), and we worked out a mutually beneficial solution. Now we sometimes watch it together

Melesse

 

[dollface007]

I'm a night owl, so I can understand how I could get really bored if my SO was laying in bed asleep for FIVE HOURS while I tip-toed around at night with barely anything to do. Porn is just something that guys, and girls too, get into when they've got nothing better to do.

But seriously, forget about the porn. He makes fun of you when you're trying to turn him on??? You've got to be kidding me. That is wrong wrong wrong. He's getting a kick out of using you as his doormat. Get rid of this loser.

 

[Eilan]

I'm a night owl, so I can understand how I could get really bored if my SO was laying in bed asleep for FIVE HOURS while I tip-toed around at night with barely anything to do. Porn is just something that guys, and girls too, get into when they've got nothing better to do.

This has happened to my husband and me on occasion, particularly when he's worked 2nd shift (which he's rarely done in the three years since we've been married). Because I had to get up early to get my oldest child ready for school, I'd be in bed when he got home from work. He, however, wasn't yet ready to go to bed. That didn't stop us from having sex. After we were finished, I'd go to sleep and he'd stay up for a little while and get something to eat, read, look at some porn, etc. He'd come to bed sometime in the middle of the night. This arrangement worked pretty well for us, not to mention that once I put my daughter on the school bus I could come back to bed for some morning nooky.

But seriously, forget about the porn. He makes fun of you when you're trying to turn him on??? You've got to be kidding me. That is wrong wrong wrong. He's getting a kick out of using you as his doormat. Get rid of this loser.

I agree--there's definitely a bigger issue here. If I were dressing up really sexy for my husband, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me--even if he were on his deathbed! He sure as hell wouldn't laugh at me. Unless, of course, he no longer wanted to get laid (I DON'T advocate using sex as a weapon, BTW).

 

[lick_me_there]

it bothers me that he's sitting up all hours of the night watching other girls instead of spending time with me. there have been LOTS of nights that i've tried to grab his attention and all effort wasted only togo to bed upset and wake up to find him still awake at 4 am or later sitting at his computer. i dont know if he was looking at porn then, but now i'm starting to think, yes, he is. there's nothing weird about the sites, just run of the mill. nothing that we dont even do. so its not like he's going to assfucking sites cause he doesnt get that at home. we've talked about fantasies, we've tried lots of stuff, we change things up...

about the making fun of me parts....
once we went on vacation for the FIRST time together and i had a cute little babydoll style completely lace lingerie and he just told me i looked silly. i wear heels he tells me i'm not suppose to be tall, i wear makeup he tells me i'm too sparkly, i tell him i'm getting breast implants (and this is a decision i have made on my own since LONG before i ever even thought of boys) and he tells me only stupid insecure people would get plastic surgery. so how else am i suppose to feel when he's spending hours looking at everything he says is stupid or retarded or whatever? my ex use to do the same thing. but i found nasty scarey porn so thats a whole different thing.

and i dont even care that he's looking at porn. its just starting to feel like whats the point of me trying? i cant be what he wants and apparently i'm not. i dont even think he's maturbating, just looking.

he knows how insecure i am. i've told him i wished he'd compliment me more. he doesnt think there is a need to. he feels like i should know that he really loves me, and i do, but there's a point when you feel like you're just not up to standard and nothing you do can fix it. i just want to wow him. i want him to look at me like i'm sure he's looking at these girls. i want him to find me attactive and show it!

in 3 days we're going to the bahamas for a week. this is our first REAL REAL vacation. but now i feel like i dont want to be in a bathing suit in front of him. and i dont want to bother with looking nice. i just feel like i should just be frumpy cause it doesnt mater one way or another.


i'm just really happy that it will be a week without internet access, but lucky him, he gets to watch half naked women in PERSON for a week.......

 

[Doctor Who]

ok, so i know, dont get upset, but still, this is really starting to piss me off and i dont know if there is anything i can even do about it...

so, those who know me, know that i usually go to bed about 4-5 hours before my bf. he likes to sit on-line and watch tv and stuff like that. well, we're planning on going on vacation in 3 days and he had mentioned that he found a site on our hotel but couldnt remember is. so, i went on-line while he was doing laundry to try to find it. i figured going thru history was easiest. holey shit i've never seen so much porn in my life!!! well (ok a little over exagerated there)...
so i've asked him about it and he has always said he doesnt look at much porn. bull shit. the porn itself doesnt bother me... its that he's seeming to choose it over me that hurts.

i try to dress up and look sexy every now and then and no matter what i do he makes fun of me. but then he's going and looking at the same thing on line!! i've started going to the gym.. i lost 2 inches (not that i'm fat or anything, just not fit) and he never says anything and he's looking at all these skinny girls....

its like he almost doesnt find me attractive.
i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

I hear this story from women over and over again after they discover their SO porn collection. Really, don't worry about it all too much.. he is not picking them over you. He just uses it when your not around and enjoys getting a wank off to hot pics over the internet. I am sure you come first to him.

 

[Melesse]

I think even more now that there is a problem in your relationship. He's being incredibly insensitive, and I have a hard time believing that a man who loves you can act that way. I mean, it's one thing to be told that you need more compliments, and forget, but entirely something different to be told right back you don't need them. Who is he to tell you what you need?

I hate to get too specific, at the very real risk of being wrong, but it sounds like he's forgotten you're special. I mean, it certainly doesn't sound like he's going out of his way to make you feel wanted. Him not listening to you is a serious, serious problem, and one I don't know the solution too :-/

Melesse

 

[Cathleen]

I think looking at porn is the symptom, much like drinking is a symptom of an alcoholic. It seems there is far to his behavior and your reaction then just porn. There is a good book called Caught in the Net by Dr. Kimberly Young. I've been reading it and there have been many times I've been shaking my head in agreement with regard to my behaviors.

He spends a lot of time on the web - why? That will be his question to answer but you have your own question. How will I react to his behavior? Will I accept it as is? Will I talk with him and tell him how you feel when he spends all that time on the net?

Clearly you are not happy. I'd be interested to know how he handles being off-line for a week. How will you handle his reaction if any? It seems to me you are trying to keep the relationship going and he isn't doing his part. He doesn't treat you very well, he doesn't seem to even listen to you, he doesn't hear you.

The biggest questions are does he want to change? Do you want to stay?

 

[Cathleen]

I think even more now that there is a problem in your relationship. He's being incredibly insensitive, and I have a hard time believing that a man who loves you can act that way. I mean, it's one thing to be told that you need more compliments, and forget, but entirely something different to be told right back you don't need them. Who is he to tell you what you need?

I hate to get too specific, at the very real risk of being wrong, but it sounds like he's forgotten you're special. I mean, it certainly doesn't sound like he's going out of his way to make you feel wanted. Him not listening to you is a serious, serious problem, and one I don't know the solution too :-/

Melesse

Your responses have been dead on right. Very well said - each time.

 

[silverwhisper]

LMT: i have to say, this guy sounds like he has no idea what he has. i think that you have 2 choices: 1) remind him, or 2) drop him like the loser that he is. considering that you appear to have tried 1 on several occasions, it seems to me that 2 is your only option here. to hell w/ this guy. if he doesn't have his priorities straight now, what hope is there for a future w/ this jackass? to hell w/ him.

i like to look at p40n but for fuck's sake, there's no way in hell that i'd turn down real sex over imaginary sex. this man-child is obviously in need of repair. you deserve much better than you're getting from him. drop his ass. i mean, for fuck's sake, he makes fun of you for trying to look sexy?

no. there's no excuse for that kind of bullshit. he obviously thinks that he can do "better". don't be his fucking doormat, i say. he's a little boy in a man's body. he's a goddamned insult to men everywhere, IMHO.

ed

 

[M's girl]

i dont know. is this just one of those guy things i just have to deal with? or is it something else i need to know??

Is watching porn a guy thing? No way! I like watching porn. Sure, I guess there's more guys admitting to like watching porn than there is women, but they are there and more than you would imagine I believe. Women are just not "thought" to reveal this information; it's not something they should brag about whereas with guys it seems to be almost the opposite. They are considered not beeing COOL if they don't brag about porn, women and their , ahum.... features etc.

So there.... do you like watching porn? Does it excite you? If you can get past the idea that these women are being used (I think they are not, they are making nice sums of money acting in porn movies and I believe most (I hope all!) of them are so called consenting adults...) it can be quite exciting to watch. Even though the scene itself might not exactly be 'your cup of tea', the images may arouse you. That's OK. It's ONLY A MOVIE!

Do I wonder off topic? Maybe... but if what I stated above goes for me, it should go for guys as well. It's a fantasy. It's an added stimulance. It's not something to be jealous of...... IF....

.... you do participate, be honest about it to each other and don't actually replace the sex which is supposed to be between you with online or DVD sex.
I had a BF once who would secretly watch porn. Of course I found out (I always do, almost like I have this extra sense for picking up on infidelity and the likes ) and he was very defensive and mad for me finding him out. And the thing was: I did not mind him watching the porn without me per se... I hated it that he thought he had to hide it from me and lie to me about it. I thought I was open minded enough and we did watch porn together at that time. I told him I would find it even sexy if he would "confess" in bed at night that he was so horny during the day that he HAD to watch some porn to help him get off while I was not around. I asked him to make me a participant, but he never did and kept on hiding it. What would upset me also is if I would find out he had been watching porn and jerking off and he would not make love to me at night. Then I would feel replaced, like what you are hinting at. Is that a girl thing? I don't know. What I do know is: that I can watch porn on my own at daytime (any time) and still want to have passionate sex with my BF a few hours later. While my former BF would not be ready to make love to me untill the next day ( no erection or no cum left, whatever). So, I felt left out and like he "wasted" his desire, cum, whatever, on "someone else", although I was never directly jealous of whatever person in whatever porn movie he would have watched....

Am I making sense?

 

[SweetErika]

about the making fun of me parts....
once we went on vacation for the FIRST time together and i had a cute little babydoll style completely lace lingerie and he just told me i looked silly. i wear heels he tells me i'm not suppose to be tall, i wear makeup he tells me i'm too sparkly, i tell him i'm getting breast implants (and this is a decision i have made on my own since LONG before i ever even thought of boys) and he tells me only stupid insecure people would get plastic surgery. so how else am i suppose to feel when he's spending hours looking at everything he says is stupid or retarded or whatever? my ex use to do the same thing. but i found nasty scarey porn so thats a whole different thing.

he knows how insecure i am. i've told him i wished he'd compliment me more. he doesnt think there is a need to. he feels like i should know that he really loves me, and i do, but there's a point when you feel like you're just not up to standard and nothing you do can fix it. i just want to wow him. i want him to look at me like i'm sure he's looking at these girls. i want him to find me attactive and show it!

in 3 days we're going to the bahamas for a week. this is our first REAL REAL vacation. but now i feel like i dont want to be in a bathing suit in front of him. and i dont want to bother with looking nice. i just feel like i should just be frumpy cause it doesnt mater one way or another.

If a girlfriend told you these things about how she felt and what her bf did, what advice would you give her?

I'm guessing you'd tell her to get rid of the abusive jerk. That it will likely get worse if she takes steps such as moving in with him. He's probably breaking her down so she won't leave him; making sure she feels as horrible about herself as he really does deep down. You'd probably say she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, and someone who really loved her would do their best to make her feel wonderful. She does deserve to be treated with respect and a loving partner would make an effort to ensure her needs are met. Correct?

If so, don't you deserve what you would want for your friend/to take your own advice?

 

[ApplesMcgee]

question...

.....

 

[DuckLover]

Summation

Lick_me, without completely rehashing what everyone else has said, there seems to be some consensus.

1. As you agreed, simply viewing the porn is not a major problem in and of itself. It may not even be indicative of any kind of problem in the relationship.
2. Your bf's comments about 'not needing' to compliment you, and his making fun of you when you try to do something nice for him, are signs of more serious problems in the relationship.
3. It's time to seriously consider the nature of the relationship.

I personally agree with all of the above, though that doesn't mean I necessarily think you should break up with him. I think that you should take some time to reflect on how important this relationship is TO YOU. If you decide it is very important, then it's time to have a serious talk with him, and I strongly recommend that you do it with some kind of counselor. (You may want to talk with one individually, perhaps as a prelude.) With the counselor you can go into far more depth than you can here, and you will get a more educated, more considered response than most people on Lit are able to provide. Litsters, myself included, often tend towards giving advice based on OUR experience and the short description you provided. That can sometimes be helpful, but the counselor can give you and your bf far more objective and personalized feedback. When you suggest it to your bf, be clear with him that you highly value the relationship and want to make it work. Tell him that you are concerned about it though, and need his help to make things better. His reaction will tell you how important the relationship is TO HIM. If he agrees to go with you, then things are reasonably likely to work out.

If he says no, then you have more thinking to do. At that point, you would have to ask yourself if you still believe the relationship is important enough to you to stay. If so, I strongly recommend that you meet with a counselor anyway to process YOUR feelings about the situation and to determine what things you can do individually to help improve it. The other obvious option at that point would be to break up with the guy.

The situation you are in sucks, no doubt about it. I sincerely hope it improves, one way or another. My belief is that you need to think deeply about how serious and important the relationship is to you, and if you decide to stay in it, than I think talking with a counselor (preferably together) will be extremely helpful.

Good luck! *HUG*

-DL