"We're not a chat room...."

Re: Re: Re: cym

Yes.

Lance


Sandia said:



I've never disliked you, cym. I think you're smart, you care deeply about your friends, and you're terrifically articulate.

You also - I think unintentionally - cultivate the attitude of exclusivity and negativity that permeates the BDSM forum.

Lance is not the cause of it.

I am not the cause of it.

WD was not the cause of it.

Artful was not the cause of it, neither was artful's dream.

Neither was piercedboy or Ebonyfire.

I understand that you and your friends believe you're victims, and that you're under attack. I understand why you feel compelled to phrase the sticky the way you have. I believe that there's little-to-no chance that you or the "community" will listen to anything that sounds critical to you, that's about you, or the way you treat people here.

I understand that.

I know it hurts your feelings to hear that.

But the thing is, how do you think it makes other people feel?
 
Just a point of view

I wasn’t going to post to this thread, but I have had a very contemplative day, and decided that posting something helpful would be the best thing to do. Hopefully this will be, but I warn you, it is going to be long. First, a quick kudos to some of the really great posts on this thread – especially spankablebelle!!

When I first came to this site, I read a thread called True Confessions on the GB or the playground. The thread was supposed to be a forum to confess things or get them off your chest. I posted once or twice and was sent a PM by one of the “more seasoned members” asking me not to post the way I did (not that there was anything wrong with my post). I thought about it and didn’t post for a few days, but I did keep reading the thread. What I found out was that it was a thread for a limited group of people to post “their” tales of woe. I found myself getting annoyed with the repeated hugs to all, the daily affirmations and the rest of the therapy that was going on there. I was going to post a somewhat pointed note about getting past the “feeling sorry for yourself” kind of stuff and then I caught myself. Why bother, they needed that kind of support group in their lives. So I left. Haven’t been back. Best thing I could have done. By leaving that thread, I found this forum, which has been great. Except for the fighting of course.

Here are some of my perceptions and experiences with the BDSM forum:
1) I have never been attacked for my viewpoints. This last week I made an errant post (I said the exact opposite of what I was trying to say). Cym responded to me in a thoughtful and questioning manner. She obviously disagreed with me (as well she should have). The point is that she did not flame me, but rather, asked a question and provided me with her viewpoint. She was gracious and understanding throughout our exchange.
2) Sometimes I feel there are too many hugs here. It’s just not my way of interacting with people – so I don’t.
3) Sometimes there is more “therapy” here than I would care for. But the truth is, some people need the support. I don’t begrudge them it; I have enough family and friends that lean on me constantly. I come here to get away from it. I just don’t participate in it.
4) I have never felt that the subs are too “uppity” or whatever word was used to describe them. I don’t expect them to bow to me or speak to me as anything but an equal with an opinion. That is what I want out of them – their honesty, their viewpoints, their experiences, and their desires. This helps me to learn more.
5) I have never felt that the moderators were inappropriate or heavy handed. In fact, I barely notice them, except for the fact that I have gotten a lot of useful information from them.

I have found this place to be a great place to learn about BDSM, about myself and about the part that I want BDSM to play in my life. There are people here who have made it BDSM a larger part of their lives than I have. That’s okay, I respect their choices and they respect mine. As long as we all get what we want or need from it. Hearing about the role BDSM plays in their life, hearing about 24/7 rituals and rules is not for me. Personally, I did find it fascinating and I can’t even begin to imagine how exhausting that much responsibility is.

I do have some suggestions for how we can all move forward together. They are JMHO, but I think they might help.

1) Preview a post instead of just hitting submit. This will provide the writer with the opportunities to ask themselves:
- Is what I meant to say. Then errors or mistaken meanings can be discovered by the author, as opposed to being taken the wrong way by a reader
- Is this the best way to say it.
- Do I really want to say it – I think some of these issues are because people fire back responses without thinking about them.
2) Ask a question about the post before just disagreeing with it. Perhaps the author is not articulating themselves well. Perhaps they misposted (as I did). Perhaps you are reading it and misinterpreting it based on your own issues.
3) Don’t be so sensitive – While we should all be respectful of others opinions, we also should be able to discuss things and disagree like civilized people. Don’t let ego or emotions get in the way of the discussion. After all, discussion is why we are all here – that and learning.
4) If you’ve offended someone – apologize – it’s not that hard to do. We all need to compromise sometimes

I really do like this site, and this board. I just don’t care for the fighting. I have learned a tremendous amount in the short time I have been here. People like SD, Risia, Quint, MsW, WillowPuss, Cym, SexyChele etc. etc. the list goes on and on. If I didn’t name someone, it’s only because there are so many of you who add to this board.

And to show that I am willing to compromise and be open to new things – a most sincere hugs to you all

Sincerely,
Zip
 
Re: Just a point of view

zipman7 said:
I wasn’t going to post to this thread, but I have had a very contemplative day, and decided that posting something helpful would be the best thing to do. Hopefully this will be, but I warn you, it is going to be long. First, a quick kudos to some of the really great posts on this thread – especially spankablebelle!!



Wow!!!! Someone (besides cellis whom i appreciate very much for having taken the time to do so) actually read what took me thirty mintues to write!!!! As well as a lot of nerve. Thank you, Zipman. ~smile~

As to your own post, i agree with you about, oh dear...many many many of the things you said about other forums on Lit as well as on this one...inclusive groups, tales of woe, being asked not to post certain ways or in certain places about certain things, therapy sessions, needs and desires that we all have to learn about this lifestyle regardless of our color, creed, or sexual orientation, needs and desires to be heard on points of interest...it is a community based, i thought on enhancing the experience of BDSM through discussion and debate and the sharing of ideas...to help educate one another regardless of how many years have been spent in the lifestyle or by how many sub or Doms each person has had since discovering their particular 'kink'...i have great admiration for most here, not all, but most, though i am respectful to all...shouldn't we all be such? Respectful that is? (shrugs)

Again, thank you, Zipman for your thoughts and for making note of my own. ~smile~

belle
:rose:
 
Re: Just a point of view

zipman7 said:
Don’t be so sensitive – While we should all be respectful of others opinions, we also should be able to discuss things and disagree like civilized people. Don’t let ego or emotions get in the way of the discussion. After all, discussion is why we are all here – that and learning.
Sincerely,
Zip

Enough said right there. And might I add, that it is helpful to take things with a little humor here, too.

Rose:heart:
 
Re: Re: Just a point of view

spankableBelle said:



Wow!!!! Someone (besides cellis whom i appreciate very much for having taken the time to do so) actually read what took me thirty mintues to write!!!! As well as a lot of nerve. Thank you, Zipman. ~smile~

As to your own post, i agree with you about, oh dear...many many many of the things you said about other forums on Lit as well as on this one...inclusive groups, tales of woe, being asked not to post certain ways or in certain places about certain things, therapy sessions, needs and desires that we all have to learn about this lifestyle regardless of our color, creed, or sexual orientation, needs and desires to be heard on points of interest...it is a community based, i thought on enhancing the experience of BDSM through discussion and debate and the sharing of ideas...to help educate one another regardless of how many years have been spent in the lifestyle or by how many sub or Doms each person has had since discovering their particular 'kink'...i have great admiration for most here, not all, but most, though i am respectful to all...shouldn't we all be such? Respectful that is? (shrugs)

Again, thank you, Zipman for your thoughts and for making note of my own. ~smile~

belle
:rose:

It is my pleasure belle,

I did think you voiced your opinion well. I also can understand that perhaps, you have had different experiences than I have. Since Heterosexual Doms have been referenced a great deal, I just wanted to share my experiences - not establish my experiences as the norm or as fact. I respect that you have had some different experiences.

And yes, respect is always a good thing. There have been other threads here where I felt like replying but didn't because my issues were more about personalities and not about topics. So I moved on to another thread.
 
thanks to those who stopped posting long trails. am i having fun at the rents? no.

but im quitw drunk. listening to miss dynamite thinking of those i love

cym, mz christa, carolineoh, killermuffin, willowpuss, drblue (you know it baby!) jamesblandings, lil freak, ebonyfire (god im scared of you but i love you!) cant remember anyone else.

lots of love xxxxx
 
Re: Re: Re: cym

Sandia said:



I've never disliked you, cym. I think you're smart, you care deeply about your friends, and you're terrifically articulate.

You also - I think unintentionally - cultivate the attitude of exclusivity and negativity that permeates the BDSM forum.

Lance is not the cause of it.

I am not the cause of it.

WD was not the cause of it.

Artful was not the cause of it, neither was artful's dream.

Neither was piercedboy or Ebonyfire.

I understand that you and your friends believe you're victims, and that you're under attack. I understand why you feel compelled to phrase the sticky the way you have. I believe that there's little-to-no chance that you or the "community" will listen to anything that sounds critical to you, that's about you, or the way you treat people here.

I understand that.

I know it hurts your feelings to hear that.

But the thing is, how do you think it makes other people feel?

Sandia, I've always liked you and bear you no grudges of any kind. But I read what you say here and I have to say that we must just come to this forum with such remarkably different perspectives that we barely seem to speak the same language.
I just can't see what you see. I see a forum where people with great experience take the time to answer newbie's questions, often the same questions over and over, with no benefit to themselves other than the knowledge that they have been of service to a community they care about.
I see people come here needing a place to vent or cry or jubilate, and finding a receptive group of people happy to share and help.
I see a dozen threads filled with good humor and wise advice for every one which contains contention and ill will.
I don't disrepect your perspective, but I have to say, with good will towards you, that I feel you have allowed a personal grudge to close off your vision to much that you might otherwise find insightful and valueable. And that is all our loss.
 
tassie said:
thanks to those who stopped posting long trails. am i having fun at the rents? no.

but im quitw drunk. listening to miss dynamite thinking of those i love

cym, mz christa, carolineoh, killermuffin, willowpuss, drblue (you know it baby!) jamesblandings, lil freak, ebonyfire (god im scared of you but i love you!) cant remember anyone else.

lots of love xxxxx

Hello tassie. It seems like you are having at least a wee bit of fun.;)
 
CarolineOh said:


Hello tassie. It seems like you are having at least a wee bit of fun.;)

lol she does seem to be having fun, doesn't she Caroline.

Good for you Tassie!
 
tassie...THANKS...for the contact high!

i'm laughing and loving you very much right now.:kiss: Praying that you've been drinking something that doesn't bite back too hard!

That was a refreshing moment! Been exploring the night life in your vacation hideaway?

Have as MUCH fun as you can! You're more likely to regret fun you denied yourself than fun you indulge in. (that, in a nutshell, is my personal philosophy)

Bottoms Up!
(Paddles ready?)
Blue
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

CarolineOh said:


Sandia, I've always liked you and bear you no grudges of any kind. But I read what you say here and I have to say that we must just come to this forum with such remarkably different perspectives that we barely seem to speak the same language.
I just can't see what you see. I see a forum where people with great experience take the time to answer newbie's questions, often the same questions over and over, with no benefit to themselves other than the knowledge that they have been of service to a community they care about.
I see people come here needing a place to vent or cry or jubilate, and finding a receptive group of people happy to share and help.
I see a dozen threads filled with good humor and wise advice for every one which contains contention and ill will.
I don't disrepect your perspective, but I have to say, with good will towards you, that I feel you have allowed a personal grudge to close off your vision to much that you might otherwise find insightful and valueable. And that is all our loss.

Caroline, I know you don't see it: that's part of the reason why I posted those old threads. (Not to you personally, of course... well you know what I mean.)

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm not here to cause trouble or make people feel bad. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The only thing I can say is, just as you think my "personal grudge" has colored my perspective, I think your close personal friendships have colored yours.
 
Re: Re: Just a point of view

A Desert Rose said:


Enough said right there. And might I add, that it is helpful to take things with a little humor here, too.

Rose:heart:


excellent posts by all 3 of you Zip,Belle and Sis Rose..ty ty
As for Sandia's post ,well all I kow is that I try to dislike Noone anymore as it is a waste of both My energy AND my time..I do respect and understand a few of the moderators and the jobs they do alot better..as far as anybody bein any 'better' than anybody else,well thats just alot of B.S.!! we all know that.:D
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Sandia said:


Caroline, I know you don't see it: that's part of the reason why I posted those old threads. (Not to you personally, of course... well you know what I mean.)

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm not here to cause trouble or make people feel bad. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The only thing I can say is, just as you think my "personal grudge" has colored my perspective, I think your close personal friendships have colored yours.

Might I suggest then, that the solution to our troubles is for everyone concerned to take steps to try to enhance the level of friendship here?
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

James Blandings said:


Might I suggest then, that the solution to our troubles is for everyone concerned to take steps to try to enhance the level of friendship here?
___________________________
Now THATS the BEST suggestion I have heard all darn month James! I for one ,am willing to make amends by offering :rose: x60 (doz each) to Cym,Killer,Risia,Chele,Ebony...anyone else I have offended I humbly apologize..How's that?

oh ..uh..and TONS of kisses for all the men...hehe :devil: :kiss: :kiss:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Artful's dream said:

___________________________
Now THATS the BEST suggestion I have heard all darn month James! I for one ,am willing to make amends by offering :rose: x72 (doz each) to Cym,Killer,Risia,Chele, Caroline,Ebony...anyone else I have offended I humbly apologize..How's that?

oh ..uh..and TONS of kisses for all the men...hehe :devil: :kiss: :kiss:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Artful's dream said:

___________________________
Now THATS the BEST suggestion I have heard all darn month James! I for one ,am willing to make amends by offering :rose: x60 (doz each) to Cym,Killer,Risia,Chele,Ebony...anyone else I have offended I humbly apologize..How's that?

oh ..uh..and TONS of kisses for all the men...hehe :devil: :kiss: :kiss:

Thank you, dream. I think many of us can take a lesson from your Master, who has been a fine example of someone who has put past disputes behind him and been open to the hand of friendship.
 
due to my foolishnness and ..

"sleepiness' I errantly double-posted and I apologize,...sorry:( :rose:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Sandia said:


Caroline, I know you don't see it: that's part of the reason why I posted those old threads. (Not to you personally, of course... well you know what I mean.)

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm not here to cause trouble or make people feel bad. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The only thing I can say is, just as you think my "personal grudge" has colored my perspective, I think your close personal friendships have colored yours.


Of course, we all color our views through our own personal lenses, but the empirical evidence makes claims of the unfriendly nature of this forum seem untrue to me. (And by the way, it's worth noting that in recent days this board has been criticized for being too supportive as well)
The Welcome New Faces threads has, at this writing, 575 posts and almost 12,000 views, hardly what one would expect in an environment hostile to newcomers.
Risia's "Warm and fuzzy" thread contains 223 posts in which many of us have sung the praises of others. Surely those posts weren't all written by a handful of "insiders" to each other, were they?
Right now, the front page contains only one thread discussing any sort of contentious issues, and that is this one. The rest of the threads are all filled with friendly banter, insightful thoughts, and helpful information.
And on a personal note, I have to point out that when I was injured, I was not some long time poster here, I had only been on Lit about three months, and most of that time was spent on the GB. And the members of this forum simply poured out their hearts with sympathy and support to me. Perhaps that does color my view, but it certainly does not negate it.
So, with respect to your feelings and your views, I have to disagree with you.
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

CarolineOh said:


Perhaps that does color my view, but it certainly does not negate it.

That's precisely Sandia's point....you don't see the view from outside the daisy dance you and your sisters play at here, because you are in it.

You know in those B-Grade horror flix when the guy is fucking the beautiful ingenue, and he looks down and all of a sudden he realizes she's an old hag with flesh falling off her face and no teeth?

It's like that.

But I think you already know that.

JMHO;

Lance
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Lancecastor said:


That's precisely Sandia's point....you don't see the view from outside the daisy dance you and your sisters play at here, because you are in it.

You know in those B-Grade horror flix when the guy is fucking the beautiful ingenue, and he looks down and all of a sudden he realizes she's an old hag with flesh falling off her face and no teeth?

It's like that.

But I think you already know that.

JMHO;

Lance

No Lance, I certainly do not know that.
You have a choice in how you view things. I could take your post as an attempt to respark the flame war, but I choose to regard it an a well meaning attempt to explain your position.
Similarly, you choose, in my opinion, to see offense where none was meant, and unfriendliness where none is present.
And as with Sandia, I feel that you are shorting yourself, much more than you are others, by how you view the forum.
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Yes, there has been a needed shift in tone towards incoming males. But that didn't happen overnight. It was paid for in blood from posters like artful, sandia, piercedboy, and Sir Lancelot who perhaps gave back more than he took, but sometimes a black hat villain is needed to clear the air. Someone willing to say that the Queen is wearing no clothes.

I think it will always be a female dominated board, and that's ok. I stay because there are things here I find interesting. What I don't find interesting, I don't click on.
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

I choose to believe you understand what Sandia and I are saying... and have all along.






CarolineOh said:


No Lance, I certainly do not know that.
You have a choice in how you view things. I could take your post as an attempt to respark the flame war, but I choose to regard it an a well meaning attempt to explain your position.
Similarly, you choose, in my opinion, to see offense where none was meant, and unfriendliness where none is present.
And as with Sandia, I feel that you are shorting yourself, much more than you are others, by how you view the forum.
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

WriterDom said:
Yes, there has been a needed shift in tone towards incoming males. But that didn't happen overnight. It was paid for in blood from posters like artful, sandia, piercedboy, and Sir Lancelot who perhaps gave back more than he took, but sometimes a black hat villain is needed to clear the air. Someone willing to say that the Queen is wearing no clothes.

I think it will always be a female dominated board, and that's ok. I stay because there are things here I find interesting. What I don't find interesting, I don't click on.


And you call THAT a "hostile environment to males"? You GUYS!

i'm all for "If it makes you sick, you must not click" though.

Blue
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: cym

Hi Blue;

I found Writer Dom's post, from which you pulled & punched up a line*...to be on the whole,a balanced, direct and fair appraisal of events.

I believe the points around double-standards, hypocrisy, glass houses, indirect vs direct aggressions, etc have all been made in spades.

How we move forward will speak for itself, I think.

Lance

*as you know, I love "editing for fun"; nicely done!


DRxBlue said:



And you call THAT a "hostile environment to males"? You GUYS!

i'm all for "If it makes you sick, you must not click" though.

Blue
 
i KNOW!!

i's just having a little FUN!!!

JEEZ! i thought i'd try it... you pointed out yourself what an enjoyable hobby it can be. i thought WriterDom's post was very good too.

When did it get so SERIOUS in here?

:(..i'll be good
Blue
 
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