Hello stranger..
I just wanted to pop in and say Merry Christmas.. *hug*
May the next year bring the happiness you deserve
)Heeeey Nax!!!!
Merry Christmas to you too Mr!
How's it all going? I have good vibes
Thankyou, may it bring happiness all round
(well, not quite all round...not that generous at the mo!
That is probably where the good vibes are coming from.. - I know its early ish there (im watching the cricket now) so it may need to be a bloody mary 
Things are going well - well mostly anyway. The best thing being a special someone I am still with and very happy
As for all round - This round is on me so good vibes and a drink coming your way
Its just after 9am so tomato juice is a healthy option!
I knew things were going great on that front. I am so happy for you both
Not bothering with the cricket at all!
You should.. only because you are a 'pomme' in oz and we are beating them.. Gives you something to tease them about...
I dont want to go on about it as it may seem insensitive, but things are great. I'm very lucky to have her
Do you know what the strange thing is?
I was saying yesterday, considering whats happened I feel in a really bizarre mood. I was fine yesterday and thought I would be a complete mess.
But rather than feeling blue and broken, I felt nothing short of elated!
Is that normal? lol
ETA: scratch all that. The elated feeling didnt last long and was replaced by tears again and disbelief that the man I loved with all my heart would do this to me. Could he have been any more cruel. I dont think so.
Perhaps this is what post traumatic stress does, I dunno.
Is it wrong of me to want him to feel this pain he has put me through. I hate bitterness, but if I am honest I feellit. I feel hurt like I have never felt before, I feel letdown and I feel angry.
I want him to split up and I want him to lose everything too. I didnt before, I sent good wishes then and meant it... but not now.
Thats what I want, more than anything now.
I hope it happens.
but saw your post and wanted to add to the many who love and support you. It is not wrong for you to have these vengeful feelings, but it is self destructive and rarely brings release or peace even if they are realised. You are understandably emotionally stuck, and that is also not unusual. The thing you need to master is realising the person you were in love with was not a real person but rather a fantasy created for the purpose of playing with your head and heart.
Hugs to you...haven't been around as much as I have been sick yet again,
It was not your fault as he played his game well initially, perhaps even believed a lot of it himself at times, but as you have now found it was not who you thought he was but a facade he created. It is not easy to separate the two in your head and heart, but is something you will need to do to be free of this and able to move on with a free and open heart. If you need to, write down all the promises he made, the things he told you, and then note all the ones he either broke or lied about, or if you want a shorter list, the ones which were really true and kept. Ride the pain and allow yourself to grieve your loss, but work through it until you know in your heart you were in love with someone who did not exist. Though his actions may seem cruel, turn them into positives for you by recognising they are not only keeping you away from him, but emphasising even more that he never existed as you thought he did, nor does the person he really is want to be part of your life, nor would you want in your life. It takes awhile, but once done, gives you back your freedom and life. You will get there, just give yourself time.
Catalina
Oh Cat, its so good to see you!
I cried when I read your post, for many reasons.
I'm not sure I'm doing well at all. I keep giving myself a pat on the back for doing ok and surviving but as i just wrote in an email to my ex back home, I feel like I am merely existing; I'm not living and I'm not existing very well either.
I think you are right. But I am scared to think you are right.
If you are, we are.... what does that say for my judgement, once again? I did the same with my ex husband.
It means I gave four very important years of my life to someone who didnt exist. They were just an imagination. They never loved me.
And yet i loved them with every fucking inch of my soul. And I know it to be true, because lets face it, if you loved someone you couldnt just stand by and destroy them as he has done me.
I served and loved him for four years and may have missed the opportunity now to have the family I so desperately wanted. I wanted to be a mum more than anything.
Sorry. I am all over the place lol. Today hasnt been great; I've been playing the whole thing over and over in my mind.
I'm so glad to see you though. I hope you are ok?
Oh Cat, its so good to see you!
I cried when I read your post, for many reasons.
I'm not sure I'm doing well at all. I keep giving myself a pat on the back for doing ok and surviving but as i just wrote in an email to my ex back home, I feel like I am merely existing; I'm not living and I'm not existing very well either.
I think you are right. But I am scared to think you are right.
If you are, we are.... what does that say for my judgement, once again? I did the same with my ex husband.
It means I gave four very important years of my life to someone who didnt exist. They were just an imagination. They never loved me.
And yet i loved them with every fucking inch of my soul. And I know it to be true, because lets face it, if you loved someone you couldnt just stand by and destroy them as he has done me.
I served and loved him for four years and may have missed the opportunity now to have the family I so desperately wanted. I wanted to be a mum more than anything.
Sorry. I am all over the place lol. Today hasnt been great; I've been playing the whole thing over and over in my mind.
I'm so glad to see you though. I hope you are ok?
No need to apologise, life tends to turn us upside down from time to time and as my doctor remarked recently, as we get older we don't bounce back as quick and easily as we once did and that in itself is damn frustrating. It is also a sad reality we tend to repeat our mistakes or less than best choices, especially in terms of relationships. Often it is because while the one we choose does not seem to be anything like the one we left behind, in reality underneath their sheeps clothing they are almost twins. Part of the answer to escaping this cycle is digging deep and finding what it is which makes us end up in the same place. IME when counselling women, it came down to something that happened in their past which may or may not have seemed significant at the time, but which set a pattern in place for later life choices. Discovering that key is the beginning of unlocking the pattern and building a healthier one.
All that being said, it doesn't help you right now. You gave a lot of yourself to him and the relationship, but from the little I have seen over the years, he often let you down and failed to give as much back in return. In part, this may have made you work all the harder to make him happy in an effort to receive the same in return, and he was more than happy to take advantage of that part of you and play you for his own ends....and a lot of this could have to do with the pattern I was talking about which has become part of you and how you react, what you accept.
What you need is a good old fashioned feminist evening with women who will tell you in the nicest possible way you are worth more than you think and you do not have to waste your time on losers like this who have a truckload of their own issues which have made them the nasty person they are. He has used you to project his own shit onto and try and make others believe it is you, making it easy to bury his own head in the sand and not accept any responsibility, because that is who he is and will likely remain. His latest efforts have shown he no longer wants any contact with you. Whether this reflects how he once felt is not important, today is what matters. Don't give him any more reason to stroke his ego, which I am sure he has been even while pretending to be most upset by you trying to contact him, wanting to contact him. You don't need the grief, and you have a life to live...a life much better without him in it messing with your head, keeping you on your guard wondering if you can trust him etc.
As to motherhood, I can imagine how upsetting that might be for you if it doesn't happen. I had a friend who went through a similar situation with 2 husbands who refused to have children, one who even then moved on to marry someone with children then fathered 4 of their own. It broke her heart and unfortunately she punished herself by giving up on her dream of being a mother...while single motherhood is not always great, sometimes it can be the best choice. Perhaps for you it is a sign you might also be better owning this choice and acting proactively in that direction more so than a relationship at the moment. Maybe adjusting your dreams a little? It is often said you cannot hope to find a happy relationship until you are happy with yourself...perhaps if being a mother is what will bring you happiness, this would be a starting point which might lead to even more happiness in the future.
I still believe things happen for a reason, though I may not always know that reason or appreciate it at the time. All you are going through may be the universe trying to push you in the right direction for a happy future for you. It may be with children, but it may also be that is not a destiny which is meant for you. Keep your heart open to all possibilities, but protect you first. He is not who you thought he was, he does not deserve your tears or time, and he definately does not deserve any more of your life and heart...remember what it is to be happy just for you.You gave him 4 years, don't give him anymore by allowing him to keep you stuck in this moment.
Catalina
Hey YC...connoisseur of cute girls, tell me how its all going for you??
I hope you have a sweet subbie girl of your own and if not, I hope the new year brings you much happiness in that department
awww you mean me YC
)
