What to do with an Attention Whore?

[Liana26]

*Sigh* The time has come for me to admit, that I am an attention whore (just in case anyone forgot about my infamous first thread). I'm one of those fucknuts that thinks negative attention is better than no attention. I've thought like that for as long as I can remember. This has led me to become a bit of a sammy, much to my and Tyler's dismay.

A good example of my way of thinking is that right now, Tyler's watching TV, completely ignoring me. I could implode and he simply would not notice. And as much as I'm trying to restrain myself, I really do feel like antagonizing him in whatever way I can so he'd just pay attention to me.

This is very hard for me to admit because I'm so ashamed of it. I've been very reluctant to post this because honestly, I'm intimidated by the more experienced people on this forum and I'm just afraid of what'll be said, but I guess it needs to be said.

So... what I'm really asking is: subs, what do you to do control a craving for attention? and Dom/mes, how would you deal with a sub that was, for lack of a better term, an attention whore?

 

[Aeroil]

I don't like being ignored either, it can bother me quite a bit, and it can also get me in trouble a lot. I really don't enjoy negative attention though, so sometimes I'll just prefer to stay hidden. Does this Tyler know how bothered being ignored makes you? Just a thought, I really don't have much advice for you since I'm quasi in that very same boat.

 

[shaymless]

If you've been like this for as long as you can remember, you have a bit of work to do to break the habit. If I remember correctly, you were at one point thinking about seeking professional help for another issue - perhaps this is something you can work on with him/her? The work may be hard - and it will involve you not getting all the attention you seek.

I don't have any magic answers - but try remembering that just because he's focusing his attention on something else, doesn't mean he's "ignoring" you. If he IS deliberately ignoring you, then take that time to figure out WHY? If it's punishment, what do you need to do to improve whatever you're being punished for? If he isn't ignoring you and just is focusing his attention elsewhere, think about why you need his attention? Why is it hard to sit with yourself?

Cliche as it sounds, the first step is acknowledging the problem. Then you have to want to work on it. It's not easy to change lifelong behaviors, but it can be done...and the results will enhance you and your relationships with others.

shay

 

[TaintedB]

What Aeoril said is correct, it's not at all an uncommon thing for a submissive to crave a lot of attention, as we tend to be fairly high on the narcissism scale. Some of us handle the craving for attention differently than you do, however but not necessarily in better ways! For example, I'm known many subs who are incapable of either directly asking for the attention that they want or even indirectly provoking it the way that you claim you want to do. They are too insecure to do this maybe, or perhaps learned as a child that it's dangerous to show need. Instead they build up a poisonous (for the relationship) "poor me I'm so abused and ignored" case in their heads while never letting on in any obvious way that they feel neglected (to a dominant on the ball, however, I think it would be pretty obvious). Then at some point, if they ever feel safe enough in the relationship, they explode with anger and hurt. That sort of repression-explosion is a more common pattern of expressing a need for attention than what you do, Liana, but I've also known plenty of subs who do things your way.

I knew one sub who used to play mean tricks on her dominant to get attention (don't feel sorry for him though, he was not a very good dominant--he was more narcissistic than she was!). She'd poor a glass of cold water on him when he was sleeping and play other nasty tricks on him. Another one I knew didn't live so dangerously, but she annoyed her dominant by say, when he was watching TV, constantly interrupting the show and tapping him on the arm or playing with his long hair. Little annoying stuff like that.

I'm of the opinion that in a long-term committed relationship, it's the dom's job primarily to find solutions to these sorts of things, as s/he is the one in charge. But if you (the dominant) have never encountered such a person before, it can be kind of hard to know what to do at first. I do think punishing the submissive is the wrong approach because I think the reason they do these attention getting behaviors is because they feel insecure in the relationship. Unlike direct premeditated disobedience, this insecurity is not something under their conscious control, it's more an unconscious response to their own fears and perhaps a very realistic response to the actual circumstances of the relationship, so punishment is not very effective in changing it.

What I've seen actually work well is a two-pronged approach: on the one hand, the dominant does what is needed to reassure the submissive that in this relationship she is loved and cared for completely and that he is not going away. Once the sub starts feeling a bit more secure, the need to constantly have her master's attention goes down quite a bit. It takes time to build up this level of security, so if your relationship is relatively new (under three years) don't demand of yourself that you already be secure. You can't be, until you are certain of your master. The second prong is to "ignore" the submissive in a fashion that is erotically charged. There are hundreds of ways to do this. For example, when your dominant is watching TV, he could have you (a) lying down in front of him being used as a footstool or maybe on all fours beside him as his table (someone I adored used to store the remote between my butt cheeks, lol); (b) having you provide non-intrusive oral service--i.e., just holding him in your mouth while being forbidden to do anything to arouse him; (c) in some form of storage, such as nose in the corner, bottom (perhaps reddened) on display, or forced to lie on the ground in a specific position and not move; (d) assign you tasks to do around the house or outside it, while he takes his leisure. With all of these activities he can forbid you to talk, as well, if he wishes. Such things make you feel cared for and controlled.

None of the above will help, however, if the underlying reason you are craving so much attention is because the person you are with is not controlling enough for you. I hope this is not your situation! Also, I don't know what to tell you if you are in a more casual relationship. I am not sure that you can realistically expect the sort of thing I'm describing above from such a relationship.

 

[Killishandra]

TB, I already quite honestly liked you (even tho some things you write weird me out at times, LOL!) but reading this just gave me a new respect for you. I think it's very insightful (at least for me it definitely is.)

Perhaps because I have the problem myself.

They are too insecure to do this maybe, or perhaps learned as a child that it's dangerous to show need. Instead they build up a poisonous (for the relationship) "poor me I'm so abused and ignored" case in their heads while never letting on in any obvious way that they feel neglected (to a dominant on the ball, however, I think it would be pretty obvious). Then at some point, if they ever feel safe enough in the relationship, they explode with anger and hurt.

Describes alot of relationships I have been in. I sympathize with you Liana, cause I know where you're coming from. And like the quote from above, I have a tendency to keep my mouth shut when feeling hurt, angry, or ignored. Then I explode and use it as an excuse to leave the relationship. I know that I do it, I hate that I do it, yet I have done it repeatedly. I have gotten sick of hearing the question "Where is all this coming from?" even though I know it's my fault that it got so bad.

This thread has me really thinking about the way I approach relationships and why I feel the need for someone who is more controlling than most vanilla guys. I am so interested reading those suggestions from TB on how a Dom can deal with a needy sub's attention whore tendencies. I find myself doing the same thing to boyfriends... pulling leg hairs is my favorite way to interrupt someone while watching TV. The last time I bothered someone like that, he kept saying "stop it" while I annoyed him but didn't DO anything about it and I kept getting more and more frustrated to the point where I stormed out of the room. I needed to feel useful, and he wasn't fulfilling that need. We were watching a movie I really wanted to see, but I couldn't pay attention to it because I felt too restless. How odd to read those suggestions and feel that any one of them would have worked well.

All of my relationships so far have been vanilla, so maybe I will have better luck with someone who understands that need to be cared for and controlled.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

This is very hard for me to admit because I'm so ashamed of it. I've been very reluctant to post this because honestly, I'm intimidated by the more experienced people on this forum and I'm just afraid of what'll be said, but I guess it needs to be said .. and Dom/mes, how would you deal with a sub that was, for lack of a better term, an attention whore?

• Took big brass ones for you to admit a fault regardless.
• Fuck experience (pun intended). Everyone finds his/her own way. Some take a little longer doing so.
• *Kid gloves off* In answer to your question, isolation (temporary dismissal for my partner to get the hint) or separate ways.

i stayed in a marriage out of sheer stubborness for nearly 12 years knowing without a doubt (after the first 18 months) i wasn't happy, nor would be happy continuing the marriage. i developed hot buttons that didn't require a conscious press by my spouse or anyone else for that matter. i found a partner following the divorce, and made a conscious effort every time one of those buttons got pressed to avoid providing the normal response. That said, i'll take a stab at one possibility for you. Recognize "the ramp up" you have when your partner doesn't respond the way you desire. Go to B.E. to act/be something different than you normally would. Think control inside and outside the box. You might just surprise the hell out of yourself and your partner and you'll find the going easier the more often you successfully avoid a nasty situation.

Best of luck.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ordinarily, the need for attention to this extent usually means there is another underlying problem which is not being dealt with. While it is nice to think it is easily overcome, more often than not until you find what the underlying fear/issue is you will be in danger of slipping back over and over until it is dealt with. Hope you find the key you need to get past it.

Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

The second prong is to "ignore" the submissive in a fashion that is erotically charged. There are hundreds of ways to do this. For example, when your dominant is watching TV, he could have you (a) lying down in front of him being used as a footstool or maybe on all fours beside him as his table (someone I adored used to store the remote between my butt cheeks, lol); (b) having you provide non-intrusive oral service--i.e., just holding him in your mouth while being forbidden to do anything to arouse him; (c) in some form of storage, such as nose in the corner, bottom (perhaps reddened) on display, or forced to lie on the ground in a specific position and not move; (d) assign you tasks to do around the house or outside it, while he takes his leisure. With all of these activities he can forbid you to talk, as well, if he wishes. Such things make you feel cared for and controlled.

Solid gold.

 

[Liana26]

Solid gold.

I'd like to second that. Thank you so much, everyone, for the words of wisdom. I'm going to keep them all in mind and hope that Tyler reads this.

 

[TaintedB]

Solid gold.

Thanks! Sometimes even all of that stuff doesn't work, if one is in a situation where your sub needs your attention fulltime but it's a part-time relationship. I'm talking mostly here about live-in harem situations, in which the dom shares his attention among two or more submissives. If one of them has exceptional attention needs, well, even if they all like each other just fine, that's usually where the trouble starts, because no matter how much attention that submissive gets, even if it's really out of porportion from what the rest of the subs get, it won't be enough because she won't always have his ear or eye when he wants it. Sometimes he'll be with his other sub(s).

 

[shy slave]

Liana AA is right it took alot of courage to post this thread
xxxxx

i recognise myself all too well.
Thank you

 

[Liana26]

Aaaawwwe. Thank you shyslave and AA, I really appreciate it.

 

[Guest]

*Sigh* The time has come for me to admit, that I am an attention whore (just in case anyone forgot about my infamous first thread). I'm one of those fucknuts that thinks negative attention is better than no attention. I've thought like that for as long as I can remember. This has led me to become a bit of a sammy, much to my and Tyler's dismay.

A good example of my way of thinking is that right now, Tyler's watching TV, completely ignoring me. I could implode and he simply would not notice. And as much as I'm trying to restrain myself, I really do feel like antagonizing him in whatever way I can so he'd just pay attention to me.

This is very hard for me to admit because I'm so ashamed of it. I've been very reluctant to post this because honestly, I'm intimidated by the more experienced people on this forum and I'm just afraid of what'll be said, but I guess it needs to be said.

So... what I'm really asking is: subs, what do you to do control a craving for attention? and Dom/mes, how would you deal with a sub that was, for lack of a better term, an attention whore?

Interesting ... I've never really had anyone provoke my negative attention more than once..I do however, carefully explain my "non appreciation" of the action, and why.. Also, why it is not a good idea to continue down this particular path..

*grin* As for the text of the message itself ..Well, Tylers watching TV.
So??
It appears you're online and typing on the computer...Hell, I'd ignore you too.

 

[Brinnie]

*Sigh* The time has come for me to admit, that I am an attention whore (just in case anyone forgot about my infamous first thread). I'm one of those fucknuts that thinks negative attention is better than no attention. I've thought like that for as long as I can remember. This has led me to become a bit of a sammy, much to my and Tyler's dismay.

A good example of my way of thinking is that right now, Tyler's watching TV, completely ignoring me. I could implode and he simply would not notice. And as much as I'm trying to restrain myself, I really do feel like antagonizing him in whatever way I can so he'd just pay attention to me.

This is very hard for me to admit because I'm so ashamed of it. I've been very reluctant to post this because honestly, I'm intimidated by the more experienced people on this forum and I'm just afraid of what'll be said, but I guess it needs to be said.

So... what I'm really asking is: subs, what do you to do control a craving for attention? and Dom/mes, how would you deal with a sub that was, for lack of a better term, an attention whore?

I'd say Ignore him.
make him come 2 u.

 

[Liana26]

Interesting ... I've never really had anyone provoke my negative attention more than once..I do however, carefully explain my "non appreciation" of the action, and why.. Also, why it is not a good idea to continue down this particular path..

*grin* As for the text of the message itself ..Well, Tylers watching TV.
So??
It appears you're online and typing on the computer...Hell, I'd ignore you too.

I was only online cuz he was ignoring me.

 

[Marquis]

I'd say Ignore him.
make him come 2 u.

Good advice.

Are you really 14?

 

[YinandYang]

So... what I'm really asking is: subs, what do you to do control a craving for attention? and Dom/mes, how would you deal with a sub that was, for lack of a better term, an attention whore?

Liana, don't feel alone in this, I can be the same sometimes. It mostly happens when I have had a run of his attention, in whatever way, but constant. Then 'Bang' he's off in his world somewhere, and I feel kind of out in the cold. It feels almost as if he has taken his energy elsewhere, often leaves me drawing up all the old insecurities, and reacting like a spoilt child! I go quiet myself, need alone time, and if I am honest its mostly because I hope he will react by coming to me. Big mistake...he never notices! However long this lasts, I think he is oblivious, but when getting into playtime....the attention (good or bad) feels sometimes like a ressurection. I even questioned my feelings on BDSM, and thought maybe the reason it is in my life is because I do crave attention. Maybe attention is the wrong word, I am very shy out in the open, but do need lots of love. So maybe thats it...the love thing?

 

[Guest]

I was only online cuz he was ignoring me.

On a more practical and slightly less confrontational note..
This is not a real rocket science one..BUT..It can be rather awkward sometimes..
Given a D/s relationship ( and allowing for the dynamics of that particular one) ..
Try talking about it.
Pearl and I had a relatively short discussion that pretty much handled the whole thing. Without all the stress.
But you can't be a "Lazy Dom"..
It boils down to, there is a perfectly acceptable way to get my attention.. But acting like a brat isn't it..
What that acceptable way is...Is between the two of you.
Of course there are couples and individuals that don't seem to be able to function without high stress levels..
In that case ..*shrug*
A bit of handy advice...That is really a question.
Do you want his attention because you need his attention?
Or do you want his attention because he is paying attention to something other than you?

 

[Liana26]

Do you want his attention because you need his attention?
Or do you want his attention because he is paying attention to something other than you?

Hmmmmmm.... I don't know, but will definately think about it. Where have you been by the way? You seemed to've dissappeared in the past month or so.

YinandYang- Maybe it is a love thing. Probably more of a security issue though. And I know what you mean about questioning your feelings on the D/s thing altogether. Right now, I'm pretty sure it's what I want but I think I'm still too young to know for sure. Hell I have a cousin in her 40's that still hasn't chosen a career yet. How about you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Guest]

Hmmmmmm.... I don't know, but will definately think about it. Where have you been by the way? You seemed to've dissappeared in the past month or so.

YinandYang- Maybe it is a love thing. Probably more of a security issue though. And I know what you mean about questioning your feelings on the D/s thing altogether. Right now, I'm pretty sure it's what I want but I think I'm still too young to know for sure. Hell I have a cousin in her 40's that still hasn't chosen a career yet. How about you, if you don't mind me asking?

Ahh You must have missed it ..I'm in Antarctica..Pearl is ...Less than thrilled.
At this poiont so am I..*sigh* 5 More months of celibacy and boredom.

Yes..It CAN be a love thing.. Or it can be just an experience thing..

 

[evesdream]

2 cents

i'm an attention whore. but most of it seems to be tied to "how am i going to prove to you how wonderful i am, if you're ignoring me?" -- people pleasing and a negative introject and a self-inflicted burden of having to prove something to another. There's excellent advice in this thread...

 

[FurryFury]

I was once an attention whore of sorts.

My husband and I got together a really rough point in my life and I was very insecure for a lot of reasons. One way I felt more secure was through sex and intimacy.

Insecurity can actually be a good thing too by the way and has lead to some great, wild sex. It has pushed me to do things I would have never expected.

I look back on those years now with chagrin. Not about the sex but about what I put him through. The man works hard. When he was off from work I wanted all of him, all the time.

Fortunately we've always been able to communicate well. I give him credit for that. I didn't want to make him unhappy, period, even if it meant me being unhappy. So when I got the idea that my behavior was a problem I began to developing little strategies to cope with my near constant craving for him.

I am the sort of person I will find a way to fix something. I will study and research and work on taking little baby steps until I get to a better place. It's usually simple things that seem terribly hard that helps. It is an effort to keep taking those tiny forward steps even when you sometimes see yourself slipping back some.

One thing I did was that I made a rule. The first day/night he was off I would not ask him to leave the house or do anything at all with me. I would just let him decompress. If he wanted or needed to do something he could do it and let me know if he wanted me to do it with him. That helped a lot with his level of stress.

I worked at making things the way I knew he most liked them by the time he was due home. Just little things that mattered to him, like that the sink was clean for instance.

I began to find other people to spend time with, while he was gone, my friends, family, other parents and so on.

I also decided that we should have adult dates at least once a month. On these dates we could do anything at all, go shooting, dance, eat, roller skate, play basket ball whatever we wanted. However we did not use this time to talk about the kids. There were special times when we were just a couple and they were wonderful to look forward. They really helped us both a great deal.

Early one I established "Adult" time at our house in which the kids were put to bed and not to come out of their rooms so we could do what we wanted such as sex, or watch TV shows with sex or violence or just discuss issues we didn't want the kids to hear.

I had previously owned two business so I was used to being out in the world doing things, but I was, at that time, a stay at home, Mom. That really didn't help my mind set at the time.
I'm not sorry I stayed at home to raise my kids but I should have spent more effort to meet my own needs during those years. I instead spent my energies trying to please everyone else. I think everyone would have been happier if I done me a little more.

If I had it to do all over again I would have arranged for a little in home care and a small flex time job to keep my toe in the business waters. I would also have spent more time being me. I felt I had to put a lot of my needs on a shelf for later during those years and that was a bit of mistake.

Now I am back in business for myself doing something I absolutely love and I am, by all reports, talented at. I have a very busy social life. I have discovered several online communities I love for different aspects of my life. What is great about all this is that I am not up in my husband's grill all the time.

I want and expect time alone with him on a regular basis but then he absolutely free to go do whatever he wants and I won't be sitting there feeling neglected now because I have so many other things I am doing that I feel thrilled about.

I have these things in no small part because he has always supported me in anything I wanted to do.

Now he has the time to pick back up on things he's been neglecting that he loves too.
Here is the beautiful part of all this. He now seeks me out much more!

We have begun to explore the BMSD lifestyle and are really having a great exciting time with it so far. I don't know where it will lead but after reading a great many things, I find we were doing little things all along that feed into the Dom/sub lifestyle.

So yeah, I know my situation is probably a whole lot different than yours but maybe there is something in there that can help?

 

[Brinnie]

Good advice.

Are you really 14?

hoo told u that?

 

[TaintedB]

i'm an attention whore. but most of it seems to be tied to "how am i going to prove to you how wonderful i am, if you're ignoring me?" -- people pleasing and a negative introject and a self-inflicted burden of having to prove something to another. There's excellent advice in this thread...

I've known a lot of attention whores in my life, and I have to say EvesDream, you are LOW on that list...if you make it on there at all.

Taint

PS: I'll be in more direct touch soon. Giving it two more days to be sure.

 

[HauntedHousewife]

Maybe It's Not You

i hope i am not out of line, but perhaps there is something more going on. my Master and i faced a similar situation, i felt ignored and He just didn't seem to care. Then W/we found an article by a Mistress Steele that explained about a condition She called "Dom/me Drop". It really shed some light on O/our situation, whisch isn't that different from yours. Here's the link & i hope it helps.

http://www.leathernroses.com/domination/steeldomdrop.htm