Where Dad Jokes Go To Die

[HoneyMeadows]

I just learned the German word for bra.

Stopemfrumfloppen.

 

[CuriousRick]

Do you know the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

 

[Pantyboy74]

Why do condoms come in packs of 3 and 12.

12 for the young couples weekend together.
3 for the married man. Birthday Christmas and Anniversary.

 

[hopeful_wife]

I bought my mom a new refrigerator for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

[Cindy027]

Why does Denmark, Norway and Sweden's Navies have barcodes on the side of their ships.

So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

 

[InThe312]

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac

A literalist takes things literally
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally

 

[Sinstories]

Do you know the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

I'm worried about the calendar..it's days are numbered.

 

[Sinstories]

Let's eat Grandma.

Let's eat, Grandma

Once again, punctuation saves a life.

 

[Justme4813]

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

 

[muddler35]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle

 

[CuriousRick]

It has been scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with 3 1/2 inches.

It doesn’t matter if it is Visa, Mastercard, or American Express.

 

[Xerxes82]

Where do you send a criminal rainbow?

Prism!

 

[snexxer]

I had my credit card stolen last week.

I've not reported it as they're spending less than my wife.

 

[Deleted member 6607120]

What do you call a priest's personality at church?

His alter ego.

 

[CuriousRick]

My wife has been putting glue on my rifles.

She denies it.

But I am sticking to my guns.

 

[snexxer]

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

 

[Cindy027]

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Never mind, there's norway I could finnish it.

 

[Cindy027]

Two Swedish women and two Swedish men walk into abba.

 

[muddler35]

Why isn’t a koala considered a bear?

It doesn’t have the koala-fications.

(old one, sorry)

 

[muddler35]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

 

[CuriousRick]

My wife says I am getting fatter.

But in my defense, I have had a lot on my plate.

 

[muddler35]

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a boner?

None of the women on Lit have ever given me a Ferrari.

 

[Justme4813]

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

 

[Cindy027]

Did you know you can tell the difference between male and female ants, by dropping them in a glass of water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats, it's a boy ant!!

 

[muddler35]

Really dumb one, but @AmberLGreen ’s favorite.

A dentist is working late one night catching up on paperwork when a guy comes in off the street and lays down on the couch in the waiting room.

Dentist: Sir….can I help you?
Guy: lately, doc, I’ve come to believe that I am a moth. I just can’t shake it. I’m truly convinced that I am a moth.
Dentist: ummmm. I’m a dentist, not a psychiatrist.
Guy: Sure doc, I know that.
Dentist: Why did you come in here then?
Guy: Well, your light was on.