Who's fault is it

[steelrfn]

OK, I need some advice here, or at least a second opinion.
My wife and I have been together for over 13 years, in that time she has lied to me about whether bills have been paid, among other things, repeatedly.
This has gone as far as getting us evicted once, and forcing me to refinance my current home for over 50K more than I was originally paying.
Recently, we got our income tax back and I specifically asked if there were any bills that needed to be paid, she said no every time I asked, (experience has taught me to repeat the question ), only for me to find out NOW, after all the money has been spent, ( including a couple of thousand dollars in home improvements,) that she has been late several times and we are currently almost a month late on the mortgage AGAIN.
Some of you, I'm sure, will point out that I could just pay the bills myself, which I would do except for two reasons:
1) I am active duty navy, so go away on deployments and fairly often I have to be underway for shorter periods, it's just easier if she does it than if we swap back and forth.
and
2) she doesn't have a job, and hasn't had a job for any appreciable time in several years, so she literally has all day to run around and do what needs done. This means that if I take care of all the finances then my share will be everything except cooking meals and providing sex occasionally. ( She doesn't have a problem with more often I just don't feel like having sex with her very much these days.)
So, my question is, is the fact that she continues to do this her fault or mine for continuing to trust her?

and, more importantly, could you stay married to someone who repeatedly and consistently lies, and by their own admission, has no good reason for it?

I am looking for random people who are outside the situation to give me a sanity check because otherwise I am willing to end the marriage over this, I am getting too old to keep having crappy credit and owning nothing decent.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Well I'll say that you're going to get a wide variety of answers on this one.

I'm curious...why aren't the bills on auto pay I do understand you're military, and appreciate the length of time that you are away, and understand why you would expect her to handle the finances, it seems like the least she could do (and be honest about).

She's certainly at fault for lying to you, but my question is why do you continue to trust her given her (per your story...don't know hers) continual habitual lying to you?

 

[steelrfn]

Well I'll say that you're going to get a wide variety of answers on this one.

I'm curious...why aren't the bills on auto pay I do understand you're military, and appreciate the length of time that you are away, and understand why you would expect her to handle the finances, it seems like the least she could do (and be honest about).

She's certainly at fault for lying to you, but my question is why do you continue to trust her given her (per your story...don't know hers) continual habitual lying to you?

Every time we fight about it she cries and swears on her life and the kids life that things will be different, and she will change. A few months, or years, later......

and as far as autopay goes, it was... she stopped it


And, if I'm going to be honest, I am lazy. At first I do it, then something comes up she needs to handle, and she does, then more, and more... Finally I get lazy and stop checking, and that's when it bites me in the ass.

 

[hdlynnette]

First, let me THANK YOU for your services steelrfn, in protecting my freedoms.

As for the financial situation. With all of the bells n whistles the banks offer these days, you might want to check if you can put some kind of stipulation on the auto pay to where YOU are the only one who can stop it? Do you know what she's spending the mortgage money on? And when she turns on the water works, ask her if she likes having a roof over her head.

Another thought....a ruined credit rating today may bite you in the bottocks down the road when trying to get financing for other things.

Sadly, your situation is a common one. I hope you find a solution soon steelrfn.

 

[smotherman]

I voted It's her fault for lying and not paying the bills, and It's my fault for being a sucker for all this time .

The reality check will be if you lose everything you own because of her. If she hasn't changed yet, chances are she won't.

Good luck to you! Hope everything works out.

Just my two cents.

 

[sombrablanca]

Dude. Bail. Whats she blowing the cash on? You shouldnt keep trusting, but the root is her. Chuck her out the door.

 

[Macdaddy23]

So, my question is, is the fact that she continues to do this her fault or mine for continuing to trust her?

and, more importantly, could you stay married to someone who repeatedly and consistently lies, and by their own admission, has no good reason for it?

I am looking for random people who are outside the situation to give me a sanity check because otherwise I am willing to end the marriage over this, I am getting too old to keep having crappy credit and owning nothing decent.[/QUOTE]

If I were you I wouldn't trust her. She has shown you that she will lie to you and has done that repeatedly. I wouldn't blame myself if I were you. Don't beat yourself up over it. This is water under the bridge. Too much water under the bridge so the bridge will fall.

In my opinion there is no way I could stay married to her if I were you. I would say when you get back break the news to her that you want a divorce. She would probably cry but for sanity that seems the only way.

Good Luck with this.

 

[Sonchyenne]

As for the financial situation. With all of the bells n whistles the banks offer these days, you might want to check if you can put some kind of stipulation on the auto pay to where YOU are the only one who can stop it?

I really agree with this.

Also, I think that she needs to get some counseling before she works with any money that could get you into trouble again. If she refuses and simply continues to bleat, keep her away from the major amounts of money until she agrees.

If she agrees to get help and then you find out that she hasn't, bail. She's got weird money issues and is a compulsive liar. If she's not willing to change, why should you be willing to tolerate her.

Good luck. I don't envy you this situation at all.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Every time we fight about it she cries and swears on her life and the kids life that things will be different, and she will change. A few months, or years, later......

and as far as autopay goes, it was... she stopped it


And, if I'm going to be honest, I am lazy. At first I do it, then something comes up she needs to handle, and she does, then more, and more... Finally I get lazy and stop checking, and that's when it bites me in the ass.

You're only responsible for your actions and your re-actions. I wasn't implying you're lazy, what I was asking is why do you continue to trust her. She's proven (basing it on what you're saying) that she's a habitual liar, I think you've likely heard "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

She's behaving like a child, and not like a capable adult, lying about stuff that's what a child would do. Hell I would set up a different bank account - and the only money she should get access to is money for groceries & gas...she needs money for anything else, make her ask you (like a child would ask his parent) it might make her learn to appreciate your hard work...and while it may be an added burden to your plate (which granted I would say is over flowing given your job) what would be worse, having to wear the hat of "financial guru" in addition, or going down a path to financial ruin

I'm only a military wife, but I'll be damned if I were to do something consciously & willfully that could bring financial ruin to my active duty spouse - now if he wants to bring it upon himself, more power to him.

 

[steelrfn]

Thanks to those who have replied so far, and I agree with those who say there are alternatives as far as the money. To me the lying is the crux of it, she lies all the time, to the point where I can't believe anything she says without verifying it myself.

And excuse my slow responses, we had a blowup so I am spending some time in my truck with. My android

 

[DormantEvil]

I'd confront her about it. Its your money, and most likely your credit rating that is going to suffer from her inability to pay the bills. The fact that all she needs to do is keep track of them, and then pay them from your account shows how little she must be doing.

You may be able to talk to a financial advisor, they could help you with some advice on organizing payments. Or have an account she can't access and organize for automatic debit to occur, and just pay all but some spending money/living money into that account. So its automatic. Bills get paid. You and her don't have to worry.

Or have an emergency contact being your finance guy if bills go overdue, and just keep him updated on your current mailing address so you can call her or confront her quickly if something gets that far.

She may just suck at keeping track of these things.

Are you sure she isn't spending the money on an addiction of something? I'd print out the past few months of spending and go through it with her, pointing out money that you couldn't afford spend, that needed to pay for bills.

Good luck.


Maybe you need to threaten divorce, or go one a break before she realizes how serious this is. And she may need to speak to a community group, or to a professional to learn how to get beyond her current lying and laziness. Worst thing to do, is keep giving her chances. If it's happened four or five times...that should be plenty enough time, if they haven't learned yet, you need to force them to take responsibility. I learned that recently myself.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

*snipped*
Maybe you need to threaten divorce, *snipped* Worst thing to do, is keep giving her chances. *snipped*

How would his threatening divorce change her behaviour It's a habitual problem (by the sounds of it) and she's not going to see it as anything past an empty threat.

 

[Kitkat103]

OK, I need some advice here, or at least a second opinion.
My wife and I have been together for over 13 years, in that time she has lied to me about whether bills have been paid, among other things, repeatedly.
This has gone as far as getting us evicted once, and forcing me to refinance my current home for over 50K more than I was originally paying.
Recently, we got our income tax back and I specifically asked if there were any bills that needed to be paid, she said no every time I asked, (experience has taught me to repeat the question ), only for me to find out NOW, after all the money has been spent, ( including a couple of thousand dollars in home improvements,) that she has been late several times and we are currently almost a month late on the mortgage AGAIN.
Some of you, I'm sure, will point out that I could just pay the bills myself, which I would do except for two reasons:
1) I am active duty navy, so go away on deployments and fairly often I have to be underway for shorter periods, it's just easier if she does it than if we swap back and forth.
and
2) she doesn't have a job, and hasn't had a job for any appreciable time in several years, so she literally has all day to run around and do what needs done. This means that if I take care of all the finances then my share will be everything except cooking meals and providing sex occasionally. ( She doesn't have a problem with more often I just don't feel like having sex with her very much these days.)
So, my question is, is the fact that she continues to do this her fault or mine for continuing to trust her?

and, more importantly, could you stay married to someone who repeatedly and consistently lies, and by their own admission, has no good reason for it?

I am looking for random people who are outside the situation to give me a sanity check because otherwise I am willing to end the marriage over this, I am getting too old to keep having crappy credit and owning nothing decent.

I am not married but I did sleep with a divorced man so I would not take this to heart:

It is both your fault. What bothers me is your partners lying, is she lying because the money designated for bills is being spent on something she should not buy or just sheer laziness. I honestly think that you need to sit down with your partner and tell her how her irresponsible behavior is affecting both of your lives and tell her that she needs to grow up. In this economy you do not want to make any delinquent payments or mistakes. Your partner may need to get a job or volunteer.

Hopes this helps

 

[steelrfn]

I am not married but I did sleep with a divorced man so I would not take this to heart:

It is both your fault. What bothers me is your partners lying, is she lying because the money designated for bills is being spent on something she should not buy or just sheer laziness. I honestly think that you need to sit down with your partner and tell her how her irresponsible behavior is affecting both of your lives and tell her that she needs to grow up. In this economy you do not want to make any delinquent payments or mistakes. Your partner may need to get a job or volunteer.

Hopes this helps

She is aware of what can happen, because we have gone through this before. I checked the bank statements and the money went to.... nothing, convenience stores and walmart in daily little bits

At this point I wish she did have a habit or something, at least that would make sense.

 

[DormantEvil]

How would his threatening divorce change her behaviour It's a habitual problem (by the sounds of it) and she's not going to see it as anything past an empty threat.

If the problem is bad enough, perhaps following through is the best option.

 

[steelrfn]

If the problem is bad enough, perhaps following through is the best option.

Yeah, unfortunately that's what I am coming to the realization of.

 

[DormantEvil]

We kick ourselves for letting it go so long, but in the end you can't beat yourself up for hoping they would change without such drastic measures.

Keep your chin up, if you need to talk anytime, PM me.

 

[stickwork]

"Ok, I need some advice here..."

Excellent choice of venue for feedback. Especially with the option to vote.

I'd recommend sending her the finally tally in writing.

 

[kara1234]

I think if you are still interested in the relationship (and I don't blame you if you aren't), that she might need to get professional help/counseling.
She has no reason to lie or to not pay the bills. Something must be going on
with her to make her do this. It isn't the way most reasonable people would behave.

 

[steelrfn]

I think if you are still interested in the relationship (and I don't blame you if you aren't), that she might need to get professional help/counseling.
She has no reason to lie or to not pay the bills. Something must be going on
with her to make her do this. It isn't the way most reasonable people would behave.

that was the discussion last night/this morning. Looks like I will stick it out until her first appointment and then reevaluate based on what is said.

 

[pink]

As someone suggested, put the bills on autopay, especially the house payment.



I know there is much more that could be said, I hope you get things worked out.

 

[steelrfn]

As someone suggested, put the bills on autopay, especially the house payment.



I know there is much more that could be said, I hope you get things worked out.

Definitely going to do that... had done it previously but she stopped it so she could pull this stunt

I am really kicking myself in the ass for ever trusting her after the last few times she's pulled this stunt, I can only hope that some therapy or counseling or whatever can get to the bottom of this and figure out WHY she finds it necessary to pull this crap.

Again, I have looked online, she isn't pulling out cash and isn't spending on anything substantial that I'm not aware of. All our money literally goes to little trips to the store.

 

[pink]

Definitely going to do that... had done it previously but she stopped it so she could pull this stunt

I am really kicking myself in the ass for ever trusting her after the last few times she's pulled this stunt, I can only hope that some therapy or counseling or whatever can get to the bottom of this and figure out WHY she finds it necessary to pull this crap.

Again, I have looked online, she isn't pulling out cash and isn't spending on anything substantial that I'm not aware of. All our money literally goes to little trips to the store.

That would piss me off to Nooooooo end. That you can't trust her with money is a BIG red flag.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this.

 

[cindy70s]

I don't envy your predicament. Unfortunately it is clear that she can't handle the financial responsibility to take care of the bills and mortgage. For the sake of your future (either together or alone) you need to take control of the situation - with auto pay or some other method. If you've already been through an eviction and she's allowing it to happen again - she isn't going to change.

Though you don't see any obvious signs of a habit, she may still have a problem. Shopping, even for everyday stuff at walmart or the grocery store, can be an addiction. WIth the cost of everything today it's not hard to spend a lot and have very little to show for it. There may be an underlying problem but she might be shopping to help herself cope.

Just my thoughts. I wish you luck.

 

[janeyl]

Fault and blame are useless. What you have to think about is what you do now-you have to protect your children from what is occuring and lay down foundations for the future for them, whether it is together or seperate.

I've never been married but if i had been, i would protect what i've worked for all my life. Seperate accounts and joint responsibilities-everything on direct debit-all bills paid automatically, a working out of what the day to day household expenses are and an account that purely pays for that-anything else is the responsibility of the individual involved...if she doesn't work, she doesn't have luxuries that those of us who work for it enjoy...

I learned this from being left in debt by an ex-having to go to court to beg them not to repossess my house and living on nothing in order to survive...i'm lucky-i came out the other end and am financially comfortable. I'll never go back there and neither should you

but to try and ask people who don't know the whole story to apportion blame is disingenuous...both and neither of you are...just deal with what you have to and leave the blame behind whatvever the outcome