Why do you choose to be a sub?

[Yarglenurp]

A study concluded that on Fetlife only 13% of female profiles are dominant.

I think you are assuming that a person is always sexually dominant or sexually submissive, and what I'm saying is most people are neither one nor the other. However, I believe that even the most progressive women expect the man to take the initiative both in seduction and in bed (or wherever they fuck).

No, that’s not my assumption, though I think what you say is true. I do think that most women would prefer to be submissive most of the time, based on personal experience. Asking a non-dominant to be dominant in bed is like asking a monkey to run a marathon…. Even if they technically could, they still wouldn’t like it.

But at this point, we’re just talking with each other. Feel free to send me a DM if you want to continue clarifying your point.

 

[Strixaluco]

However, I believe that even the most progressive women expect the man to take the initiative

Saying "most women" is probably true, but the formulation above is not. I know many women, even submissive ones, who initiate the relationship, and sex within a relationship.

 

[eroticspank]

It seems to me that sometimes it is not a choice, just something that naturally happens. You end up in the submissive role in the bedroom and realize that you like it.

When you first meet someone and talk for a while you learn their personality. In many cases that is a clue of their role in the bedroom. As I started dating, I found I was drawn to stronger women, I liked their personalities. If we got to the bedroom and they became submissive or non-expressive it would be out of character. So when we did get to the bedroom, I would naturally perform an equal or submissive role. If role-play was involved we talked about it first and sometimes I would take the Dominant role. Add to that the fact that I usually dated older women, I played the submissive role more than the Dominant.

Example: You and a sexy lady are dancing on the dance floor. A slow song comes on you hold her close and begin to slow dance. After a few minutes, she gets bored with your moves and takes over a couple of moves. In my case, I would be surprised at first, but try those different moves and thank her if I liked them. I don't mind her taking the lead, especially if she is a good dancer. The same is true in the bedroom. Some guys would be very upset with the woman taking the lead on the dance floor (and the bedroom) no matter how good she was.

ES

 

[surrenderisfun]

Because it feels so good to resist my own urges, my usual behaviour, and give into the will of another, to feel their pleasure from it

 

[joan_the_bone]

I believe submission was ingrained into me growing up. At dinner time my mother, brother, and I would line up at the wall. Once my father came in and seated himself he would address my brother and I and give us permission to sit. Then he would address my mother and say “you may now serve the food “ after which she was allowed to sit once all were served their food.
When my brother or I got in trouble we were both spanked. We would line up side by side and strip from the waist down. He would ask why we were being punished. The offender would recount their offense while the sibling would state that “it is just that we both receive punishment to remind us of the consequences of our actions”. At that time he would summon one of us forward, we would assume the position over His knee, and receive our punishment. Then the other. We would stand shoulder to shoulder until we both stopped crying and then we were dismissed.
Very rigid. Very Dom / sub dynamics.
Throughout my life as I have explored my sexuality I’ve enjoyed being told what to do. Instructed to give and receive pleasure. And by virtue of this submissiveness I’ve been given permission to do things that maybe I wasn’t 100% comfortable doing but internally had a desire for but resisted doing because I had been taught they were taboo

 

[Yarglenurp]

I believe submission was ingrained into me growing up. At dinner time my mother, brother, and I would line up at the wall. Once my father came in and seated himself he would address my brother and I and give us permission to sit. Then he would address my mother and say “you may now serve the food “ after which she was allowed to sit once all were served their food.
When my brother or I got in trouble we were both spanked. We would line up side by side and strip from the waist down. He would ask why we were being punished. The offender would recount their offense while the sibling would state that “it is just that we both receive punishment to remind us of the consequences of our actions”. At that time he would summon one of us forward, we would assume the position over His knee, and receive our punishment. Then the other. We would stand shoulder to shoulder until we both stopped crying and then we were dismissed.
Very rigid. Very Dom / sub dynamics.
Throughout my life as I have explored my sexuality I’ve enjoyed being told what to do. Instructed to give and receive pleasure. And by virtue of this submissiveness I’ve been given permission to do things that maybe I wasn’t 100% comfortable doing but internally had a desire for but resisted doing because I had been taught they were taboo

Goddamn, that group punishment thing is super fucked up. That’s just plain emotional torture.

 

[joan_the_bone]

We always thought it happened in all houses

 

[Yarglenurp]

We always thought it happened in all houses

Noooope. Just super fucked up.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Subs, do you feel better about yourselves after performing a submissive act? More confident in your day to say life? If so, are there any acts that make you feel more confident than others?

My "love language" is acts of service and I wonder if "serving a master" would help me feel "useful". If I felt like I was useful, then maybe I would be more confident and more willing to take risks in my everyday life.

Any thoughts?

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Subs, do you feel better about yourselves after performing a submissive act? More confident in your day to say life? If so, are there any acts that make you feel more confident than others?

My "love language" is acts of service and I wonder if "serving a master" would help me feel "useful". If I felt like I was useful, then maybe I would be more confident and more willing to take risks in my everyday life.

Any thoughts?

IMO, I crave being submissive to someone.. I've always been satisfied after servicing a guy..
I hope you find your special connection.
I have been in situations where I was in control, and although I liked it, I found that being used, for lack of a better word, is most satisfying to me.

 

[Dirtygirlndeer]

Subs, do you feel better about yourselves after performing a submissive act? More confident in your day to say life? If so, are there any acts that make you feel more confident than others?

My "love language" is acts of service and I wonder if "serving a master" would help me feel "useful". If I felt like I was useful, then maybe I would be more confident and more willing to take risks in my everyday life.

Any thoughts?

My husband/sub lives to serve me. He’s only fulfilled when he gets to do so, and it really upsets him if I get up in the morning ahead of him, because He insists on having a cup of coffee waiting for me on my nightstand when I wake.

 

[Yarglenurp]

My husband/sub lives to serve me. He’s only fulfilled when he gets to do so, and it really upsets him if I get up in the morning ahead of him, because He insists on having a cup of coffee waiting for me on my nightstand when I wake.

Just have him set the machine to be ready before he goes to bed.

Or tell him his morning task is to now have you wake up to the sight and sounds of him doing pushups and bench presses.

 

[Cuckwannabe111]

I have a job that requires that I am in charge all day. Making decisions. High pressure job. At the end of the day, it's nice to drop that and let someone else make the decisions for me

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

My husband/sub lives to serve me. He’s only fulfilled when he gets to do so, and it really upsets him if I get up in the morning ahead of him, because He insists on having a cup of coffee waiting for me on my nightstand when I wake.

I think I get where he's coming from...

Your happiness/pleasure is more important to him than his happiness/pleasure/comfort?

Or his fulfillment is derived from being the one who serves you/ makes you happy/ your life easier?

 

[Dirtygirlndeer]

I think I get where he's coming from...

Your happiness/pleasure is more important to him than his happiness/pleasure/comfort?

Or his fulfillment is derived from being the one who serves you/ makes you happy/ your life easier?

Spot on

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Love and respect to those who switch, who sub, who dom, who top, who bottom, who don't put great stock in labels.
Much love and respect to those who understand labels can be very useful but also fuzzy.
I don't care who is a "real" sub and feels it is inherent and who just wants to play that way sometimes.
Why should it even matter? Know yourself, know what you want in a partner or partners, and let others be whatever.

I often feel very subby in sexual play. I want to please my partner by letting him take control of me and take pleasure in my body. It makes me feel very wanted, very desirable. His hunger for me makes him very attractive to me. His eagerness, his hard pounding, are huge turn ons for me. Sometimes I feel a strong urge to call him Sir and to have him tell me I am his. I want him to tell me what to do, knowing I am doing what he wants. Sometimes I crave being leashed as he pounds me. (I don't get some of these cravings fulfilled, haven't yet been able to ask for *everything* I crave. I know some of this is not his thing and I don't want to push.) This of course requires deep trust and safety or I can't let go like that. I much prefer leather cuffs to ropes. I much prefer a soft Dom to one that likes degradation play. I would refuse to play with someone who wants to tie me up with hemp rope and call me a whore and I don't care how much it would please him to do so. Those limits and preferences don't make me less subby when I'm subby. I still take pleasure in giving pleasure.

In real life, I very much want autonomy and control and order. I enjoy having control in many aspects of life.

I don't like control when driving because driving is stressful for me. I prefer to be a passenger when driving. Sometimes I will use the driver/passenger analogy when I want to bottom during sex but don't want D/s. I prefer those terms to top/bottom for some reason.

Sometimes I'm in a very pillow princess mood. I want to bottom but to tell my lover exactly what I want from him to please me. I have no qualms about using the pillow princess label. I don't like "smart ass sub" or "bossy bottom". Those imply I'm doing something wrong by wanting to receive while being frank about what I want to be given. Even people who are feeling very subby get to have wants and preferences and to know what kind of Dom they want to have.

I wish there was a lot less label gate keeping and militancy about the One Correct Interpretation of whatever label.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Ahhhh well is it the right choice for you?

Why wouldn't it be? She has stated she enjoys it. If her partner also enjoys it, how is there even a question?

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I was looking to get a range of experiences. Not sure what I did to upset you.

Sometimes people who aren't subby all the time in bed or who aren't lifestyle subs get told they aren't "real" submissives. I'm not in Emily's head but I totally get why she might answer this way. People who choose to be the sub sometimes are submitting, bottoming with D/s, not just vanilla bottoming, and we can be sensitive when we hear sub is an inborn trait. We get some folks choose it and others feel it is their nature. We do. To me, Emily was just reiterating that.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Love and respect to those who switch, who sub, who dom, who top, who bottom, who don't put great stock in labels.
Much love and respect to those who understand labels can be very useful but also fuzzy.
I don't care who is a "real" sub and feels it is inherent and who just wants to play that way sometimes.
Why should it even matter? Know yourself, know what you want in a partner or partners, and let others be whatever.

I often feel very subby in sexual play. I want to please my partner by letting him take control of me and take pleasure in my body. It makes me feel very wanted, very desirable. His hunger for me makes him very attractive to me. His eagerness, his hard pounding, are huge turn ons for me. Sometimes I feel a strong urge to call him Sir and to have him tell me I am his. I want him to tell me what to do, knowing I am doing what he wants. Sometimes I crave being leashed as he pounds me. (I don't get some of these cravings fulfilled, haven't yet been able to ask for *everything* I crave. I know some of this is not his thing and I don't want to push.) This of course requires deep trust and safety or I can't let go like that. I much prefer leather cuffs to ropes. I much prefer a soft Dom to one that likes degradation play. I would refuse to play with someone who wants to tie me up with hemp rope and call me a whore and I don't care how much it would please him to do so. Those limits and preferences don't make me less subby when I'm subby. I still take pleasure in giving pleasure.

In real life, I very much want autonomy and control and order. I enjoy having control in many aspects of life.

I don't like control when driving because driving is stressful for me. I prefer to be a passenger when driving. Sometimes I will use the driver/passenger analogy when I want to bottom during sex but don't want D/s. I prefer those terms to top/bottom for some reason.

Sometimes I'm in a very pillow princess mood. I want to bottom but to tell my lover exactly what I want from him to please me. I have no qualms about using the pillow princess label. I don't like "smart ass sub" or "bossy bottom". Those imply I'm doing something wrong by wanting to receive while being frank about what I want to be given. Even people who are feeling very subby get to have wants and preferences and to know what kind of Dom they want to have.

I wish there was a lot less label gate keeping and militancy about the One Correct Interpretation of whatever label.

Very nicely said.

 

[subdudeme13]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

Different strokes for different folks! Everyone is different so enjoy what you are! No worries!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

There is.
It’s called bottoming.
Works fine for describing someone who wants to be the one done onto or submit in a specific scenario or situation.
There is the corresponding word ”top” for those who like to do unto others at times or hold the reins in a specific situation.
There is a sticky at the top about this.

ETA:
http://forum.literotica.com/threads/whats-in-a-label-stellas-essay-now-a-sticky.1360492/

Then what would we call it if someone wants to give their partner pleasure and takes pleasure in giving pleasure? What would you call a person who wants to give their partner control, wants to be told what to do, wants to call them Sir, wants to be leashed and led, wants to *not* know what is coming next (given it is withing previously discussed limits)? Isn't that being a sub (bottoming with D/s or power exchange)?

I have read the thread about terms. I would not assume Emily hasn't.

How does it make a difference whether the desire to sub is there all the time, in every sexual encounter, or only some of them? How does it make a difference if it feels chosen?

Is submission an activity or a nature? Why can't it be both and/or depend on the individual? Again, why should anyone care which one it is, or if its both or neither or whatever?

I'm not going to say I'm a bottom when what I want in an encounter is D/s, power exchange. It would not be accurate. If I tell a vanilla guy I want to bottom, that really doesn't tell him I want firm direction and a leash. He might be unpleasantly surprised if all he hears is bottom.

I don't want anyone to be told they're not subby enough or not a "real" sub just because someone else does it more often, plays harder, likes it full time or whatever. Don't we get enough questioning and mocking of our sexuality from the general population?

It is the kindness, openness and acceptance of difference and variety that many in the BDSM community demonstrate that drew me to LitE. I'm glad that so far I have seen more of that than not.

 

[subdudeme13]

Then what would we call it if someone wants to give their partner pleasure and takes pleasure in giving pleasure? What would you call a person who wants to give their partner control, wants to be told what to do, wants to call them Sir, wants to be leashed and led, wants to *not* know what is coming next (given it is withing previously discussed limits)? Isn't that being a sub (bottoming with D/s or power exchange)?

I have read the thread about terms. I would not assume Emily hasn't.

How does it make a difference whether the desire to sub is there all the time, in every sexual encounter, or only some of them? How does it make a difference if it feels chosen?

Is submission an activity or a nature? Why can't it be both and/or depend on the individual? Again, why should anyone care which one it is, or if its both or neither or whatever?

I'm not going to say I'm a bottom when what I want in an encounter is D/s, power exchange. It would not be accurate. If I tell a vanilla guy I want to bottom, that really doesn't tell him I want firm direction and a leash. He might be unpleasantly surprised if all he hears is bottom.

I don't want anyone to be told they're not subby enough or not a "real" sub just because someone else does it more often, plays harder, likes it full time or whatever. Don't we get enough questioning and mocking of our sexuality from the general population?

It is the kindness, openness and acceptance of difference and variety that many in the BDSM community demonstrate that drew me to LitE. I'm glad that so far I have seen more of that than not.

Play how you feel!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

It’s possible to not choose to be a sub and yet choose when and to whom to submit. That’s how it usually is for me.

Being submissive is not really a choice for me, it’s an integral part of who I am. However, when I submit to someone in the D/s sense, most of the time it’s an active decision to do so. It has happened that I’ve sort of just ended up in a situation when I find myself being very submissive to someone, sure. Sometimes it has happened so gradually that I’ve only noticed it afterwards or when things have already gone pretty far, and it’s usually been really scary to find myself in that position. Scary, but also something that feels kind of right. But usually, it’s an active decision.

So, why do I choose to submit to someone? It feels really good, sexually it gets my rocks off better than anything else. It feels like not having to put up a wall and being able to be free for a moment, not worry about if I’m projecting too much of this or that kind of a vibe like I sometimes do. I love being useful and helpful, it grounds me and makes me feel like I’m doing something right. It makes me happy and it allows me to make another person happy as well. Those are some reasons why I choose to submit. I don’t choose to be a sub, though, that’s kind of the default setting for me.

Very beautifully put. The wall bit really resonates with me. It's like being able to shed armor. It is *liberating* to me. I feel free when I am able to submit to my trusted partner. I completely believe you that it is your default setting. It is mine most of the time, except when it's not.

I suspect that like many things, our desires for D/s, if we have those, are on a spectrum. And it's probably not one axis either, I'm sure it's several axes. That variety makes humanity a beautiful chaotic garden with a riot of colorful flowers, not a boring monoculture field.

 

[Boat1]

Different strokes for different folks! Everyone is different so enjoy what you are! No worries!

EXACTLY! For example, you call me a "pain slut"... a title I've come to embrace.

 

[EdgySubMic]

Similar to the thread originator, I’m rather dominant in real life, although I’m not bossy at it, except in critical situations. I tend to take the lead, and – more importantly – people tend to follow me when I do so, exactly because I’m not bossy and am perfectly willing to listen and let somebody else take the lead if he or she is better qualified for the task or situation at hand. My entire career has consisted of management and leadership positions.

At a purely personal level, I am definitely submissive however. Looking over my youth, some of that is ingrained in my personality, and likely has been since forever, while some of it may have resulted from (or amplified by) being bullied a lot in school for not fitting in. I just like not being in control and not having to be so.

With respect to personal relationships, I’m extremely picky and demanding about who I like and trust. So, once I’m “sold on somebody”, my one and only goal is to maximally serve/support/pleasure/… said person in any way and by any means possible.