Your "AHA!" moments...

[nh23]

Yeah, the online talks did help a lot. Like I said, it is an exception, but still worthwhile to note that both viv and I were really comfortable with you, and you were perfectly sociable. Made me happy, because those sort of first time meetings in any setting can be really awkward.

It was really nice! Maybe you are just one of those people that puts others at ease.

 

[Homburg]

It was really nice! Maybe you are just one of those people that puts others at ease.

Pfft, I'm too much of a bastard for that!

 

[Keroin]

I met Bunny on here. It took us about a hundred yahoo chats before either of us opened up and actually talked. At the time we met we were both going through a very similar tragic event. That helped a lot. Other people..it just takes a lot of time. I knew my friend Whit for almost five years before I actually started telling her things about me. Everyone on this board knows I was sexually abused as a child. In r/l I didn't even tell my ex hubby of 12 years, until we had been together for 9 years.

I'm weird, I don't know how to explain things well. There is a woman I work with that I've gotten semi close to. One day we had a really long conversation about our lives, our pasts etc. That night at home I started feeling really uncomfortable about the conversation I had with her. I started to avoid her. It really bothered me that she knew things about me. It bothered me that I told her. I know that doesn't make sense, it's just how it is.

I don't think you're weird, you're just you. Everyone has their "thing". My question regarding the conversation with your co-worker would be, what do you imagine she would do with the information she has about you? That is, what do you see as the worst case scenario? Is your discomfort because of how you think she now sees you or because of what she might tell others or something else?

The kids I work with don't talk. A few sign, but none of them talk. I work with special needs kids. Rare genetic disorders, developmental delays etc. Now typical kids yeah..LOL.

Ah, gotcha.

Hmm maybe. I didn't grow up on the coast, but mine isn't really as much a claustrophobic thing.

Oh, sorry, I was referring specifically to the claustrophobia. I remember once talking to this girl who was from Kansas, born and raised there. I said, "I can't imagine living so far inland, I get claustrophobic when I'm too far from the ocean". She said, "That's funny, when I'm near the ocean, I get this horrible feeling of openness, like I could just fall off the edge of the world at any moment."

I had insurance before I became a single parent. I didn't go then either. I have no desire to go tell some strange person things about me. I posted earlier in this thread about huge chunks of my life being gone. I wasn't being sarcastic, they are. It's a coping mechanism my brain uses. It's kind of a half assed thing. If I sit and really think I can remember details of the abuse in my past for example. But I have to make an effort. Other parts of my life are just gone.

I think my brain knows what it's doing and I have no desire to bring all that shit up again. Living thorough it once was enough.

This is certainly understandable. One of my good friends is a therapist who deals with victims of trauma and abuse. She has a process she uses, specifically for the reasons you've given, where her patients go through the traumatic event but in a very sparse, outline form, very detached. (Don't ask me how it works, it's complicated and I barely understood it when she described it to me, but apparently it works like a hot damn with minimal stress to the patient) One of her patients had been a prisoner in some codawful shit hole country, where he was tortured and abused for years. She told me, of her sessions with him, "K, I only heard the barest details of what this man suffered and I had nightmares for months afterward. I have no idea how he survived."

If you are interested in the technique she uses, I'd be happy to ask her about it - without mentioning you, of course. She's really experienced and highly respected among her peers. She's spent the last ten years working with kids that have been abused - mostly in the native Indian community. No pressure, just if you ever think you might want to deal with it professionally, I'd be happy to help.

My ob/gyn recently put me on Prozac and birth control pills for a hormonal imbalance I'm having. Maybe that'll help. At this point I'm still in the feeling like shit from them phase. So we'll see.

Well, I'll cross my digits for you. Body chemicals are tricky stuff. (I have to go back on the junk this month, as my endo is rearing it's crampy head again. I feel like a farking zombie when I'm on it but it has to be done.)

Do you find that this social anxiety causes you problems as a parent? I mean, I imagine kids like going out and doing all kinds of public stuff. What do you think?

 

[nh23]

I don't think you're weird, you're just you. Everyone has their "thing". My question regarding the conversation with your co-worker would be, what do you imagine she would do with the information she has about you? That is, what do you see as the worst case scenario? Is your discomfort because of how you think she now sees you or because of what she might tell others or something else?

I'm not really worried that she will tell someone else. It's just that she knows. I suppose it's how she will see me now. Does she see me differently than she did before? Most people do. That's some of it. I can't really get to the core of the rest, it's just a very uncomfortable feeling.

This is certainly understandable. One of my good friends is a therapist who deals with victims of trauma and abuse. She has a process she uses, specifically for the reasons you've given, where her patients go through the traumatic event but in a very sparse, outline form, very detached. (Don't ask me how it works, it's complicated and I barely understood it when she described it to me, but apparently it works like a hot damn with minimal stress to the patient) One of her patients had been a prisoner in some codawful shit hole country, where he was tortured and abused for years. She told me, of her sessions with him, "K, I only heard the barest details of what this man suffered and I had nightmares for months afterward. I have no idea how he survived."

If you are interested in the technique she uses, I'd be happy to ask her about it - without mentioning you, of course. She's really experienced and highly respected among her peers. She's spent the last ten years working with kids that have been abused - mostly in the native Indian community. No pressure, just if you ever think you might want to deal with it professionally, I'd be happy to help.

I'm curious to know what techniques she uses. I know Bunny has recommended CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) They focus more on your behaviors instead of your past.

I don't know that I'll ever be ready or willing to go to therapy, but I would like to know more about it.

Well, I'll cross my digits for you. Body chemicals are tricky stuff. (I have to go back on the junk this month, as my endo is rearing it's crampy head again. I feel like a farking zombie when I'm on it but it has to be done.)

Oh, I know. So far it sucks. I have a family history of premature ovarian failure. My Mother and Grandmother went into menopause in their early 30's. Both ended up having their ovaries removed. My gyno says I need some hormonal testing done, but it's very expensive. So we are going to try the BC and Prozac for three months and then go from there. If it's not effective, I'll just have to shell out for the testing.

Do you find that this social anxiety causes you problems as a parent? I mean, I imagine kids like going out and doing all kinds of public stuff. What do you think?

Yes, my kids are very social people. They haven't met a stranger. I force myself to take them to events. But, there are some things I can do to make it better. We took them to a magic show a few months ago. It was in a huge packed auditorium. So what we did was arrived two hours early. No one was there so we got into our seats before anyone arrived. We then left about twenty minutes early so I didn't have to deal with the crowd upon leaving. I can usually find a way to work it out.

If not..I have some compulsions that can relax me a bit. I tap my thumb against each of my fingers, and try a few relaxation techniques that Master has taught me. (He's a trained hypnotist.) We have had to leave social situations before. I never let the kids know it's because of my anxiety though.

 

[DVS]

Sorry to butt in on this conversation but, If you live with a a trained hypnotist, can't this help with some of this? I know there are some things it will work on and some that it won't.

I have panic attacks and I think I've also have a mild form of social anxiety, too, but found a way around it. I've become an extrovert.

Still, won't hypnotherapy help with social anxiety, in some way?

 

[nh23]

Sorry to butt in on this conversation but, If you live with a a trained hypnotist, can't this help with some of this? I know there are some things it will work on and some that it won't.

I have panic attacks and I think I've also have a mild form of social anxiety, too, but found a way around it. I've become an extrovert.

Still, won't hypnotherapy help with social anxiety, in some way?

Yep, I mentioned that he's given me some relaxation techniques that I can use. Hypnotherapy with someone with a past like mine is a very slow process. We've often came upon triggers and had to take breaks.Get anywhere near some of the events in my childhood, and I freak. We've gained some ground, but it's slow. Sometimes triggers in hypnosis can make the fears come back.

ETA Master is going to post for you DVS.

 

[Keroin]

I'm curious to know what techniques she uses. I know Bunny has recommended CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) They focus more on your behaviors instead of your past.

I don't know that I'll ever be ready or willing to go to therapy, but I would like to know more about it.

I just sent an email to my friend. She and her husband live off in the wild a bit, so she only checks emails when she comes into town for work one week a month. I’ll let you know when I hear from her, and share what she tells me about her method of therapy.

I was just thinking about something that struck me as unusual. BB does phone sex and you mentioned, in another thread, that under different circumstances you could see yourself doing sex work and yet you both identify as having social anxiety. I could never do sex work, by phone, Internet or in person. Please don’t mistake me; this is not a judgment call. Let me explain.

To me, sex and anything sex-related, where it concerns me, is the private me. I think of my brain and my being as a sprawling estate. Most of it is open to the public – some rooms to everyone, some only to invited guests. The northwest wing, however, is where I keep all my sex and it is strictly off limits to all but myself and Chuck. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I can be the completely uncensored me. In this wing of the estate, no thought is too lofty or too base. I need this place, and I need it to be private. (Chuck can bring guests to the northwest wing but they’re only allowed in the lobby). I’m not ashamed of sex or my kink or my thoughts; I just can’t allow access to outsiders, in any form.

I share more about myself, sexually, on Lit than I do in any other public forum, as I feel nicely semi-anonymous, but even on here I rarely divulge any details and often go back and delete those that I do share.

Anyway, I thought it was interesting that I identify as socially confident in every area but sex, whereas you and BB seem to express almost the opposite. Curious.

Also - I think it's commendable that you keep your anxiety away from your kids. Kudos.

 

[MasDom]

A person deeply seeds many different events with their past trauma, whether it makes sense or not. Because a trauma like that has to find an outlet. After a person has spent years using these outlets to express an emotion and a need they cement themselves as a way of being. Trying to hypnotize someone to stop is as difficult as trying to hypnotize someone with OCD to stop. It's their routine.

It takes a steady hand and time to chip away the pieces but that's all a person really feels safe doing when they have put it into their lives like that.

 

[nh23]

I just sent an email to my friend. She and her husband live off in the wild a bit, so she only checks emails when she comes into town for work one week a month. I’ll let you know when I hear from her, and share what she tells me about her method of therapy.

Thank you!

I was just thinking about something that struck me as unusual. BB does phone sex and you mentioned, in another thread, that under different circumstances you could see yourself doing sex work and yet you both identify as having social anxiety. I could never do sex work, by phone, Internet or in person. Please don’t mistake me; this is not a judgment call. Let me explain.

To me, sex and anything sex-related, where it concerns me, is the private me. I think of my brain and my being as a sprawling estate. Most of it is open to the public – some rooms to everyone, some only to invited guests. The northwest wing, however, is where I keep all my sex and it is strictly off limits to all but myself and Chuck. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I can be the completely uncensored me. In this wing of the estate, no thought is too lofty or too base. I need this place, and I need it to be private. (Chuck can bring guests to the northwest wing but they’re only allowed in the lobby). I’m not ashamed of sex or my kink or my thoughts; I just can’t allow access to outsiders, in any form.

I share more about myself, sexually, on Lit than I do in any other public forum, as I feel nicely semi-anonymous, but even on here I rarely divulge any details and often go back and delete those that I do share.

Anyway, I thought it was interesting that I identify as socially confident in every area but sex, whereas you and BB seem to express almost the opposite. Curious.

When it comes to sex Bunny and I have different backgrounds so I can only speak for myself. I've talked about this in a few other posts, and am just not feeling up to it today. Short story. I've had issues with nymphomania. Not in a funny haha way. In a way that has caused many problems for me in my life. I don't see sex in the same way that other people do. I learned at an early age to associate sex and being hurt with a type of "fix" It's actually quite common with history's like mine. Your friend would probably be able to explain it a lot better than I can. I've had a lot of sex partners, I won't deny that. To get over the social anxiety for that? Especially for random people? Alcohol. I don't do those things anymore though.

Also - I think it's commendable that you keep your anxiety away from your kids. Kudos.

Thank you!

 

[BiBunny]

I will say, I think social anxiety has a profound effect on children. My mother has it, and so does my grandmother. So I think a lot of mine is just learned behavior, which is why I think CBT (the therapy kind, not the kinky kind) will help. Of course, there's also a good bit of genetic predisposition and just generally being overprotected and isolated from other people when I was younger at work, too.

As far as the phone sex thing goes...it's weird. I think the reason I kick ass at it is that I am not myself when these people call me. I am my characters, pictures of models with my various voices attached. They all have separate lives and separate stories to tell, and most of it is just figments of my imagination.

So if my callers don't like the person they're talking to, it's ok. I don't take it personally because they're not talking to *me*. They're talking to a figment of my imagination.

Then, too, if you do it long enough, most of the calls are basically the same. Every now and then, you'll find a weird fetish that throws you for a loop, but not usually. Now while I don't have an actual script written out or anything, there's usually a basic formula in mind for the way the calls go, so I fare pretty well.

I don't know. It's weird. It's a disorder that manifests itself in so many different ways.

 

[Cattypuss]

which is why I think CBT (the therapy kind, not the kinky kind) will help. .

ROFL!!!

(seriously, I think CBT is great - especially guided CBT with a therapist, as opposed to DIY CBT from a book).

 

[Keroin]

When it comes to sex Bunny and I have different backgrounds so I can only speak for myself. I've talked about this in a few other posts, and am just not feeling up to it today. Short story. I've had issues with nymphomania. Not in a funny haha way. In a way that has caused many problems for me in my life. I don't see sex in the same way that other people do. I learned at an early age to associate sex and being hurt with a type of "fix" It's actually quite common with history's like mine. Your friend would probably be able to explain it a lot better than I can. I've had a lot of sex partners, I won't deny that. To get over the social anxiety for that? Especially for random people? Alcohol. I don't do those things anymore though.

No worries, no pressure to talk about it, just an observation. I'm not prudish about sex, (I've also had many partners), and within the confines of my relationship I'm very adventurous, I've just learned that I'm happier when I draw a boundary around that area of my life.

Anyhoo, before I tackle the impending laundry pile, I also wanted to add that you might find it helpful to hear from the other side - re: what others might think of you once you share things about yourself. I'm not holding myself up to represent all of humanity, and every situation is unique, but generally, when I become friendly with someone and at some point they share details about themselves that are more personal than day-to-day chit chat, what I think about them, after the fact, is, "Wow, that person really trusts me." This makes me more inclined to be open with them and to work to show that their trust in me is deserved. I can't recall ever walking away from a friend who confides in me thinking, "What a fucking nut job!"

 

[Cattypuss]

The problem with being a picky bitch is that it often obscures the rest of what you might be trying to say.

Not in my case, in this instance. I was making a simple point.

 

[Cattypuss]

A lovely "Aha!" moment for me half an hour ago. I was out with a friend, having tapas and wine. I've known him about a year. I often wonder if he spends time with me out of some weird kind of charity. Anyway, we were chatting - I was talking - and I was thinking "I'm probably boring him again", and just at that moment he jumped up, leaned across the table, gave me a huge squeeze and said "I'm so glad I met you - best thing to have happened to me in ages!".

A minor Aha! moment, the moral of the story being that I DON'T always know what others are thinking lol.

 

[nh23]

No worries, no pressure to talk about it, just an observation. I'm not prudish about sex, (I've also had many partners), and within the confines of my relationship I'm very adventurous, I've just learned that I'm happier when I draw a boundary around that area of my life.

Anyhoo, before I tackle the impending laundry pile, I also wanted to add that you might find it helpful to hear from the other side - re: what others might think of you once you share things about yourself. I'm not holding myself up to represent all of humanity, and every situation is unique, but generally, when I become friendly with someone and at some point they share details about themselves that are more personal than day-to-day chit chat, what I think about them, after the fact, is, "Wow, that person really trusts me." This makes me more inclined to be open with them and to work to show that their trust in me is deserved. I can't recall ever walking away from a friend who confides in me thinking, "What a fucking nut job!"

 

[Keroin]

I will say, I think social anxiety has a profound effect on children. My mother has it, and so does my grandmother. So I think a lot of mine is just learned behavior, which is why I think CBT (the therapy kind, not the kinky kind) will help. Of course, there's also a good bit of genetic predisposition and just generally being overprotected and isolated from other people when I was younger at work, too.

As far as the phone sex thing goes...it's weird. I think the reason I kick ass at it is that I am not myself when these people call me. I am my characters, pictures of models with my various voices attached. They all have separate lives and separate stories to tell, and most of it is just figments of my imagination.

So if my callers don't like the person they're talking to, it's ok. I don't take it personally because they're not talking to *me*. They're talking to a figment of my imagination.

Then, too, if you do it long enough, most of the calls are basically the same. Every now and then, you'll find a weird fetish that throws you for a loop, but not usually. Now while I don't have an actual script written out or anything, there's usually a basic formula in mind for the way the calls go, so I fare pretty well.

I don't know. It's weird. It's a disorder that manifests itself in so many different ways.

See, the part in bold is exactly why I couldn't do it. (I say this as someone who has the luxury of choosing where their paycheque comes from, though).

I know, logically, that humans are more similar than different. I know that no matter how bizarre or original our impulses may feel, lots of others have exactly the same impulses. But for the sake of my happiness, I choose to ignore logic. I love my delusion. When it comes to sex, I want to feel like I'm the first man to walk on the moon, not some person walking down main street, like everyone else.

I think this is why I have flown below the BDSM radar for so long. Even just reading some of the posts here on Lit has dampened my feelings about my private life, taken away some of the magic if you will. (I make a point to avoid many threads for this reason). But I know I'm not "normal" in this regard. I get the distinct feeling that for most people here talking about the act enhances rather than weakens it.

But I've also learned some good, practical information from this site, and the conversation is stimulating, in non-sexual ways, so that's cool.

A lovely "Aha!" moment for me half an hour ago. I was out with a friend, having tapas and wine. I've known him about a year. I often wonder if he spends time with me out of some weird kind of charity. Anyway, we were chatting - I was talking - and I was thinking "I'm probably boring him again", and just at that moment he jumped up, leaned across the table, gave me a huge squeeze and said "I'm so glad I met you - best thing to have happened to me in ages!".

A minor Aha! moment, the moral of the story being that I DON'T always know what others are thinking lol.

Ah, wonderful epiphany. No, we really can't know what others are thinking, can we? You must have been so happy to have that moment and to hear those words?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... I get the distinct feeling that for most people here talking about the act enhances rather than weakens it.

Hmmm. I hadn't thought about it that way. For me, it's more a way of sharing information hard-won throughout the years, and especially sharing the idea that it's all right to be kinky.

Does that make me a missionary of kink?

 

[midwestyankee]

Hmmm. I hadn't thought about it that way. For me, it's more a way of sharing information hard-won throughout the years, and especially sharing the idea that it's all right to be kinky.

Does that make me a missionary of kink?

I didn't think you ever took the missionary position.

 

[Keroin]

Hmmm. I hadn't thought about it that way. For me, it's more a way of sharing information hard-won throughout the years, and especially sharing the idea that it's all right to be kinky.

Does that make me a missionary of kink?

Shall we send you out to convert the savages? LOL.

No, you see, don't get me wrong, I love that this forum exists. For new people, exploring this world for the first time, I think it's an invaluable resource. To be honest, I came to Lit because I was considering writing some BDSM themed erotica and I was researching possible markets, (found out it didn't pay and that anyone could "publish" here and I immediately scratched it off the list). I started reading a few stories to see what others were writing about, (ack, glad I found the editor's picks quickly). Then I noticed the forum and started lurking. I honestly didn't believe I'd ever join in - for reasons I specified previously, plus I'm usually more of a RL person. It was RR's post about tardiness, a subject I have strong feelings about, that hooked me. I couldn't resist...as MWY may recall.

Sooooo, what am I saying here? Basically, that I came in through the back door. I wasn't looking to share, I didn't have questions, I didn't want to be part of a lifestyle. I stuck around because of the non-sex conversation and the nice folks - especially you, SW.

Also, though my kink has always existed, I didn't act on it until very late in the game. Again, I'm different, I can be happy as a vanilla. It's all about the person for me, the kink is secondary, though it always finds a way to manifest itself, however subtly.

I'm working on a story right now wherein the two main characters are very non-traditional BDSM types. It's been very fun writing out my POV of this piece of the sexual spectrum. (Also, I'm writing it from the PYL's POV, another challenge). But I also threw in a very traditional BDSM character, to poke a little fun at myself. Sorry, have to throw out this line from that character:

“Oh honey, I know how you are with all your organic sadism and ‘things happen naturally or not at all’ crap but, honestly, butt plugs and ball gags don’t grow on trees, you know."

Anyhoo, I guess what I'm saying is that it's all cool, whatever the reasons people are on here for. I really like this community, I just participate within my own parameters.

 

[Keroin]

I didn't think you ever took the missionary position.

Smart arse.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I didn't think you ever took the missionary position.

Smart arse.

Agree w/ Keroin, but we already knew that. Yank's pretty much right, though, lol... I much prefer either doggy or Cowgirl (just about any of the varieties of either).

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Sooooo, what am I saying here? Basically, that I came in through the back door.

Coming in through the back door is fun

.... the nice folks - especially you, SW.

Hush! That's twice in two days, y'all trying to roon mah reppitation! I am NOT nice! No one's ever truthfully accused me of being nice! I'm evil, wicked, mean and nasty - and those are my good points!

(And don't y'all forget it! )

 

[Betticus]

I love mangoes.

 

[Keroin]

I love mangoes.

And...? Did you have an epiphany about mangoes?








This thread is falling apart.


LOL.

 

[Betticus]

And...? Did you have an epiphany about mangoes?

Kind of, the first time I tried a perfectly ripe mango I knew at that very moment that I really liked mangoes. I like kiwi fruits too and cherries and berries and grapes and chocolate...