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AlwaysFara
Guest
You’ve put in some great work here, Pulp.
Thank you.
Thank you.
barefootgirl69
🧡 Wild Lil Cupcake
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PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
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Welcome and jump right in!
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
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Just looking at the list PLP is pretty impressive. You've gone a great job with this thread - it's one of my major sources of enjoyment of Lit. Thank you for being such a wonderful driver.
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
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You’ve put in some great work here, Pulp.
Thank you.
Thanks you guys! It's mostly been a labor of love and I'm really proud of the diversity in questions and discussions.
Mei5ter
Knight Errant
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You are absolutely fucking brilliant. Where would this place be without you?Ok, I'm posting the official Inquiring Minds list so far. I'm posting it for two reasons. One, so people can see what we've answered and be inspired to submit new questions. Two, because I am going to take about five of these questions and start independent threads. If someone thinks one of these would be good for continuing conversation please feel free!! As always the goal is promote discussion and community.
1. What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink? How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc. Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?
2. Experience! How important is it in a partner? Do you prefer someone with lots of experience with different types of play, partners, etc? Or do you like "training" someone for the first time? Have you ever been someone's first foray into BDSM? (Feel free to share your first experience - within the rules) How does your partner's experience level or the way you identify (Dom, sub, swith) factor in to your play?
3. Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
4. How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?
5. There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?
6. Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term? I think we may all learn some new words!
7. Physical, mental or emotional attraction. Can BDSM be 'done' without one of those things? Should it be done without one of those things? Can it be done with none of those? Should it be done with none of those? Have you ever been mentally/sexually attracted to someone you weren't at all physically attracted to? How did you handle it?
8. Sensory deprivation! Blindfolds, earmuffs, noise cancelling headphones, even complete restraint. It seems to be a hard limit for a lot of people. Do you have experience with SD? If yes, what do you like/hate about? If no, is there any level of SD that you would try? Why do you think it's so scary for some people?
9. Sub-drop. Dom-drop. I hesitate to assign a definition to these ideas because after researching a bit, everyone defines and experiences it differently. How do you define sub/Dom drop? If you've experienced it, how did it affect you and how did you handle that? This feeling is often tied to the Domspace or subspace idea - have they always been linked in your experience?
10. Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship? If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner? Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression? subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant? We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?
11. When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc) Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?
12. Online & Real Life Kink Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle. How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past? If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?) This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.
13. If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life? Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?
14.Contracts Have you done them? What was your experience with them? Did they seem to help your relationship? How did you decide to do a contract? What was important for you put into your contract? What was the consequences for breaking your agreement. If you've never done one, would you ever agree to one?
15. Oral Mentality When a PYL (Dom/Top) performs oral sex on the pyl (sub/bottom) - What is your mentality whilst doing so and how do you maintain your 'domliness/topliness'. Conversely how the pyls think/feel when you're having something 'nice' done to you when you're the one that should be serving/submitting.
16. Want and Needs What do you look for in a Dom or sub? What are your must haves and red flags? Do you feel like you need a Dom or submissive? Why or why not?
17. What part of BDSM do you think gets too much attention/discussion? What aspect doesn't get enough? What are some kinks you feel like you should know more about at this point in you kinky life? Is there an area where you have a lot of head knowledge but want more practical experience?
18. Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting? Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?
19. Roleplaying IRL and online. How into role-playing are you IRL or online? Taking punishment as an example - does your arousal come from being punished and you don't really care why, or is the "why" a huge part getting into subspace or domspace for you? How important is the storyline? So just to expand upon the original question - what about being yourself but roleplaying situations you can't be in at the moment - either because you are online and not physically together or because it's safer to RP the scenario than explore it?
20. Switching. Are you, have you, could you ever switch? If yes, how does one experience relate to the other? Do you feel a literal "switching" of personality/desire? Do you identify more as one or are you equally balanced? If no, would you? If it doesnt appeal, why not?
21. What part of BDSM are YOU most knowledgeable about? Is there any kink, fetish, or aspect of BDSM you particularly feel passionate or knowledgeable about? Please share your wisdom. What is your knowledge level? How have you gained experience? What do you love about it? What are the key points you'd like to get across to someone with an interest? Any dangers to watch out for? Tips? Resources? Anything else we should know? Edited to add: In an effort to stray from the typical D/s PYL/pyl questions (and because your fearful leader is such a green little newbie), I want to know some other BDSM avenues you guys like to explore? Maybe not even fully BDSM maybe it's just a particular kink you like and have a knowledge base in. C'mon! It's like the science fair of kink!
22. Mindfucking. Do you like it? Like to do it? What are some ways you have or like to experience a good mind fuck? If you like, share some good and/or bad experiences.
23. The Partner Influence. Are there any kinks or specific acts that you only tried because your partner wanted to try? Did they appeal afterwards? How much of what you like now has been influenced by partners of the past?
24. Kink Evolution. How has your perception of kink / bdsm changed since you got involved in it? Do people in your life know you have a kinky streak? Do you think people in other forums think the BDSM forum is weird, scary?
25. Limit Evolution. How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?
26. Orgasms! Orgasm Denial. Forced Orgasms. Ruined Orgasms. Orgasm Owning. There has been lots of talk of orgasms lately (well more than usual). Is there a particular way you like yours during bdsm play? Have you experimented with a certain type of orgasm play that just didn't work for you?
27. Collars. Leashes. Physical items of ownership. How do you feel about these ideas/items? What experience do you have? Do they have meaning for you outside of play? What is their meaning during play? Have you used anything other than a collar to symbolize ownership etc?
28. Do you feel like D/s relationships are more intimate that vanilla relationships (on line or off)? Do you feel like they are more intense? Why or why not? D/s relationships often begin with a lot of talk, negotiations, formality - in your experience have the endings of those relationships been the same? Have your D/s breakups been harder to move past than your more vanilla relationships?
29. Let's Lighten Up. "What was the funniest thing that ever happened to you in a kink based encounter, or what was the funniest thing you heard of?"
30. Masturbation. Have you masturbated in front of a partner? Have you masturbated a partner to the point of cumming (doing nothing else but masturbating)? Have you shared your fantasies or your porn with a partner? Have you ever tried mutual masturbation with no penetration?
31. Continuing Education & Mentors. We've talked about the past but what's the newest thing you've tried or learned about? Have you ever been the one to teach someone something brand new to them?
32. Acceptance. Was it hard for you to accept your kink or a particular one of your kinks? Did you feel ambivalent, embarrassed, awkward or ashamed of it? How were you able to embrace this as a positive part of yourself? Are/were there kinks of your partners (past or present) that you had a hard time embracing? Were you able to accept or was it a deal breaker?
33. Kink Deal Breakers. What in a <insert your kink here> partner raises a red flag for you? What traits would be deal breakers? Has someone ever pointed out a trait in you that was a deal breaker for them?
34. Cross Pollenating Kink. Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel? Have you ever gone out of your way to learn more about a partner's specific kink? How did you go about it? What was the result (i.e. how did your partner feel about it)?
35. Topping from the Bottom. Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it? How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?
36. Pure Voyeurism. Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you? Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic? Have you ever asked for specific videos or pictures from someone? What was your motivation? (Seeing someone you'd gotten to know? Nudity is always good? Were you trying to see what you could get someone to share?) Has making someone exhibit themselves ever felt like a conquest?
37. Emotional Exhibitionism. How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel? (To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)
38. Stress. Do you find that your emotional state affects your kink? Does it become more extreme when your daily life is challenging, or do you find you don’t have the emotional space for it?
39. Equality. Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??
40. Sexting/Cybering. Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?*Do you self stimulate while texting?*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?
41. Fresh Ideas. Where do you get fresh inspiration? Have you ever asked another Dom/sub for ideas or advice? What about recommendations for implementing new structures within your dynamic (rules, limits, play ideas, tasks, etc) What is some of the best advice you've gotten from a peer?
42. When you encounter a Kink that you don't get, how do you react? Live and let live? Get away from me you perv? Please explain? Something else?
43. Subversion. What about you subverts your kink's stereotype? Is it your gender, race, body type? In what areas in your kink do you wish you see more diversity break the stereotype?
44. D/s as ____ Can you make an argument that D/s can be therapeutic? Can a healthy D/s relationship take the place of other healthy activities or motivators in your life? I.e. a personal trainer, teacher, manager, etc. Have you ever experienced this dynamic? Would you like to? Do you recommend this or is it creating a dependency on someone else?
45. Tasks. Do you like a task oriented D/s dynamic? Do you to give/receive frequent tasks as part of a connection routine OR does this breech to far into the 24/7 lifestyle for you? If you do like or have experienced a task based dynamic, what kind of tasks did you enjoy giving or completing? What kind of emotions do you like the tasks to illicit? (pride, connection, humiliation, control?) How do you track or "prove" your tasks, if distance is an issue? What non-sexual tasks do you perform for your Dom or ask your sub to perform? Are there non-sexual that, when shared, have a sexual connotation for you or your partner?
46. Serious v. Silly. Do you take your kink seriously at all times? Or do you allow for moments of silliness? How do these moments affect the dynamic with your partner?
47. Pain: Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally? Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?
48. Where do you draw your line with bodily fluids? Do some turn you on more than others? How do you feel about your own fluids? Are there certain areas that you'd like to explore more in this area with your partner? To ask some specific questions - How do you feel about your own cum? Spit - where is a yes and a no? Period sex (this is a hot topic right now over on the PG) hot or not? Pee play - have you? would you? Feel free to add anything else!
49. Continuing Education. How important is it to you personally to educate yourself on your kinks? If you subscribe to a label, do you thoroughly research it before you "let it stick" or do you things just feel right? If you like the educational side of kink - what is your preferred method of learning? how has it changed your views? what are the downsides, if any?
50. If you identify as a Dom do you have a fantasy of being dominated? Being tied, humiliated, spanked... or how would it look? If you are a male Dom would you like to experience being pegged? For subs would you want to top if a Dom asked you to?
51. Do you use your gear/toys/items across partners? Would it bother you if your partner did? Does cost matter? Is it an emotional thing?
52. In your opinion and for your needs - What makes a good Dom/Top/PYL? What makes a good sub/bottom/pyl?
53. Can you discuss your experience with sub frenzy? Also is Dom frenzy a thing? Does the depth of emotion you have for your partner change the dynamic?
B
BadAmy
Guest
You should have your own forum.
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
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- Aug 13, 2018
- Posts
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Lol its been around for 20 years. It will be ok.
Lol, ok answer some questions. This isn't about me.
B
BadAmy
Guest
Lol its been around for 20 years. It will be ok.
Lol, ok answer some questions. This isn't about me.
Wait. I gotta answer all those?
Omg.
Can i have flashcards and a sippy cup with vodka in it?
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
- Posts
- 26,486
Lol no, yes, yes!!
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
- Posts
- 26,486
x.x.x
Mei5ter
Knight Errant
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2018
- Posts
- 4,402
Yes. All the questions. You have thirty minutes. Do not write on more than two sides of the paper at once.
Flash cards are acceptable, as long as it's boobies being flashed...
Last edited:
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AlwaysFara
Guest
This thread is a direct response to those who use this forum as a gif mosh pit.
I remember how this came to be... makes me sad that a fallout of that is Necro leaving the boards and Gracie not posting as much. He would have loved this thread. He has a lot of good things to say.
I’m still working on Gracie.
This thread is the good that came out of it.
LostGirlTink
Adorkable weirdo
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2017
- Posts
- 10,545
I don't post here too much, and I was trying to figure out why, because this thread especially is amazing to me.
I think I kind of got gunshy with the BDSM boards because it seemed like everytime I posted I'd get weird messages or someone acting creepy but I have a stronger voice now and I really want to dive in and contribute more.
I read this thread all the time.
Maybe one of these days I'll get brave enough to try and answer the questions that have been posted thus far.
All those words to basically say great job.
B
BadAmy
Guest
with all these drugs I am on....lol. you don't wanna be in my head.
oh wait... It's Sunday...and I got gifs.
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
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- Aug 13, 2018
- Posts
- 26,486
#54
#54 (submitted)
In a exclusive D/s, M/s, collared or owned relationship -
As a Top is there a way you expect your bottom to turn down offers or attentions from other Tops?
As a bottom, how do you prefer to be acknowledged as a primary partner?
On Lit, how do you recommend someone gracefully turn down the attentions of another?
#54 (submitted)
In a exclusive D/s, M/s, collared or owned relationship -
As a Top is there a way you expect your bottom to turn down offers or attentions from other Tops?
As a bottom, how do you prefer to be acknowledged as a primary partner?
On Lit, how do you recommend someone gracefully turn down the attentions of another?
A
AlwaysFara
Guest
Gracefully?
I’m in the wrong thread.
I either don’t answer or tell him to fuck off.
I’m going to follow this. Maybe I’ll learn some tact...
UsuallyPresent
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2019
- Posts
- 7,565
First off - thanks for all this work you're doing keeping conversation and thoughful discussion going here, PLP - much appreciated!
Suggest breaking this up, they are really different topics that are both of critical importance in BDSM. IMO, 'course
Is there such a thing as BDSM that does NOT include some aspect of a mind fuck?
Given that some excellent BDSM training can come from an experienced sub showing a less experienced Dom/Domme the kinds of things they like, that they know works or doesn't work - is it always a good thing to avoid 'topping from the bottom'? Or are you cutting out half the experience out there from helping you up your 'game'?
GREAT BIG JUICY TOPIC!
How about adding the medical risks to this discussion, please?
Another big topic, but can probably be tied in with #41, above, among others.
Just my 2c
Suggest breaking this up, they are really different topics that are both of critical importance in BDSM. IMO, 'course
Is there such a thing as BDSM that does NOT include some aspect of a mind fuck?
Given that some excellent BDSM training can come from an experienced sub showing a less experienced Dom/Domme the kinds of things they like, that they know works or doesn't work - is it always a good thing to avoid 'topping from the bottom'? Or are you cutting out half the experience out there from helping you up your 'game'?
GREAT BIG JUICY TOPIC!
How about adding the medical risks to this discussion, please?
Another big topic, but can probably be tied in with #41, above, among others.
Just my 2c
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2011
- Posts
- 21,547
This question is too deep in the lifestyle for me to answer, so I will pass. In general relationships:
1. Attention is just attention, how my partner reacts to attention is up to them - and I'll always back them up.
2. Offers are something that happens in any exclusive relationship - I think it's too varied to have any standard answer. Some offers are well-intentioned but misplaced, those I'd recommend to just gently redirect. Some offers are from asshats, so "fuck off" is a good reply.
3. Online, I think if you're in an exclusive relationship (online or IRL), and you get offers, just gracefully look in your inbox and go "hmmm, no idea who this is, delete".
Acktion
GrumpyOldDude
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2011
- Posts
- 4,410
This is a complicated question for me.
(We will now pause for those that have encountered my long winded ass before, but haven't figured out they can set me to ignore and not have to scroll past a wall of text to get their collective groans out of the way.)
In my checkered and often misspent past, I spent a significant amount of time training and leading "Hotel Hell Room Service." (That's what we called our detention unit crises response team.) And I had a special place in the hearts of many a little pissant and collected a middlin' to large number of death threats. Which bothered me not at all. In fact, I gave them the address to an empty parking lot and told them I would be there every Tuesday and alternate Saturdays from 2100 until 0200 if they wanted to drop by and say hi.
However, several of them also made threats against my family. That bothered me. That bothered me a whole lot.
Since I couldn't be with her constantly, I developed a severe paranoia about not revealing just who my wife was or any identifiers. Not to the inmates, certainly. But, not even to my co-workers. I can actually only remember three that ever even met her. I wore a wedding ring. However, not only did I not display nor even carry photos of her, I was exceedingly careful to never mention so much as her name when I couldn't avoid talking about her altogether.
I never went directly home, and never by the same route. Which, since she worked for a bank, and there was a situation wherein Treasury Agents followed not only the actual employees of the bank, but their spouses... Gosh, were all of our faces red that night.
Eventually, I got fed up with the job. No, that's not true. I never minded the job. I never minded the inmates. What got on my last fucking nerve was my co-workers and supervisors being different from the inmates only in the cut and color of their uniforms.
After a year (which I will never get back) staying at home and trying to make a go of a professional writing career and another year (which was even worse) working the night audit at a real hotel (and I could not treat those guests the same way I had treated those from my previous establishment, despite the fact that they often acted worse), I managed to land a teaching gig.
And fuck me if on my very first day on the job, in my very first class, two of the damn chowder-heads didn't come "jailin'" in the door. (One nearly knocked himself out when he saw me and spun around to leave in too much of a hurry and ran right into the doorjamb.)
Over the course of the years, our best guess-timate was that around a thousand students (more or less) came through my classes. And probably 25% or thereabouts were... ***cough***... "old friends."
So, still, no pictures displayed or even carried. No mention of her name or anything that might identify her. And the one time she showed up at work to surprise me... well, I didn't handle it as well as I might have.
Fast forward in time...
I'm disabled and virtually housebound. I'm no one of any consequence. All but forgotten. There should be absolutely no reason just why I couldn't loudly proclaim just who is important to me. Right?
Au contraire.
I was almost past that phobia. Rarely woke up from night terrors that someone had sent me a video of them torturing someone important to me. And up pops a psychotic (on another website). Stupid crap like sending people pictures of himself sitting outside their places of business holding a gun. He and I hit it off like gasoline and matches, needless to say. Being as I'm me (and, okay, was in a bit of a bad place), I gave him my home address and told him to swing on by any time.
***sigh***
However, so much for letting anyone know who is important to me. 'Cause I recognize a chicken shit who would rather strike out at me through who is close to me than risk his precious delicate skin facing me.
On the flipside,... I get it. I really do. Before this asshole set his sights on me, I was caught in a snare where someone I thought I was special to didn't want to claim me in the open. I now know it was because I wasn't special and they didn't want me interfering with the relationships that were actually important.
Which wouldn't have been a problem if she'd just been straight with me. I read Heinlein while most of my cohort was still on "See Spot r-r-ru-ru-run." I have absolutely no issue with polygamy, consensual non-monogamy, or monogamy and have entertained all three at various times in my checkered past. But, non-consensual non-monogamy, aka sneaking around... No.
The dynamic, though...
The dynamic gets really tricky. At least for me. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that my definitions don't always seem to completely gibe with other people's.
If I am Master or Owner or Mentor then I get to say who she gets to play with. If I am Daddy, then I get to know who she is playing with. If I am Sir, then I only need to know if there is someone else at the same time. Each has a different level of responsibility, on both sides of the slash.
Just the word "mine" alone is a fraught minefield. Are you really "mine" if you are playing with me and with him and with him and with him? Do they also get to call you theirs? I'm not Forrest Gump and you aren't Jenny to be "my girl" and hump virtually anybody but me. (Or should that be "virtually hump everybody except me?")
But, the question is about specifically exclusive D/s or M/s relationships.
And, even there, it varies.
I've been fortunate to be involved in more than my fair share of dynamicked relationships (both platonic and otherwise) both in the face-to-face and digital worlds with a broad variety of personable submissives. And, with very rare exceptions, it was up to them how they wanted to handle poachers.
(Frankly, if they really wanted to play with someone else while I was holding their leash, my only stipulation was the requirement that I get to know who and when. Especially if I might end up being aftercare for a three-pump chump or an Emotional Sadist masquerading as a Dominant. [Although, they didn't get Master/Owner/Mentor if they were making that choice for themselves.] And my needs came first, just as their needs came first for me. After all, if I wasn't their priority, then why should they be mine?)
In the exceedingly rare case where my slave/pet/mentee was of the personality type that needed me to be their backbone for them, it became somewhat problematic if a "delete and block" command (online relationships, obviously) wasn't acceptable for them since I also have been fortunate to be involved with more than my fair share of enemies as well, so I wasn't really a fan of them using my name and painting a target on themselves for anyone trying to hurt me. (Many of which wouldn't be content with shooting off their mouths.)
One particular one comes to mind, actually...
Her: "He won't leave me alone."
Me: "Really? That's odd. If you deleted his messages and blocked him, then he shouldn't be able to contact you anymore. Are you sure you blocked him?"
Her: "No, Sir."
Me: "Why not?"
Her: "I don't want to be mean."
Me: "You aren't being mean. You told him you didn't want to play. You told him you have a Dominant. You told him not to contact you anymore. He kept contacting you anyway. Delete his messages and block him."
***no answer***
Me: "You did tell him not to contact you anymore, right?"
Her: "No, Sir."
Me: "Why not? I told you to."
Her: "Why can't I just tell him who you are?"
Me: "We've been over this. <name omitted> is threatening to come after not only me but everyone connected to me. I don't trust this guy not to be one of his minions, if not himself, fishing."
Her: "I'm tough! I can take care of myself! Let him come after me!"
***facepalm***
Me: "Ok. Show me how tough you are. Go back and delete THIS asshole's messages and block HIM."
Her: "But, I don't want to be mean."
***foreheadkeyboardsmash***
Me: "No, child. If you can't handle this lightweight in your in-box, then you are in no way prepared for what I am protecting you from."
Her: "You're just ashamed of me!"
Me: "You found me out. I'm worried that if Jane Seymour found out about you, it would hurt my chances with her."
Her: "I knew it! I knew it! You asshole!"
Me: "You don't know who Jane Seymour is, do you?"
Her: "I don't give a fuck! Go be with her if you like her so much better than me!"
***one hour later***
Her: "Are you still mad?"
Me: "I wasn't the one who was mad. You need to go eat a Snickers or something and then go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. Don't forget to set your alarm for our 0700 walk."
Her: "I hate you!"
***thirty minutes later***
Her: "I love you."
Me: "I know. You can't help it. I'm just so gosh darn loveable. But, it's still past your bedtime."
Her: "You really are an asshole, Sir."
*****
That particular (ill-advised) "relationship" ended when she stole money from her parents and rather than doing what I told her in order to make it right, dumped me. Then spent the next three days trying to get me to give her another chance. But, I think I talked about that elsewhere around here. And the rest of it isn't really germane to the topic at hand.
My sweet little spice was in video conference with me (not really talking, but just going about her tasks) when I started typing and wanted to know what I was typing. So, I read the question to her (since she hasn't ever been on Lit [that she has admitted]).
Her first knee jerk response... well, Fara would have been proud of her.
For about ninety seconds.
Then she paused and looked at me and started backtracking and asking how I wanted her to handle it.
I told her that her response was abso-fucking-lutely perfect and not to change a damn thing.
However, she couldn't leave it there. And started telling me about a previous Dom who wanted her to tell anyone wanting to talk to her to contact him for permission.
She is well aware of the foible of mine that I've discussed here, and just why that scenario doesn't work for me. She has slept next to me and seen me awaken in a panic, clutching at her and checking her over to reassure myself that she is not only still breathing but unharmed.
And yet, I could hear that wistfulness.
"Did he give you permission to send me that picture of candy canes hanging off your nipples?"
For the next several minutes (amidst a plethora of swear words that really shouldn't have been put together in certain orders), I was informed in no uncertain terms that he had been long over, the one following him was all over except the cussing and didn't care who she talked to anyway since they were never more than playmates, and she did most assuredly not send that picture to me the first day we were talking even though it was within the first twenty-four hours of the first message, my logic be damned!
When we finally stopped arguing (and laughing our asses off)...
"But... but... but... what if... what if we are out somewhere together and someone hits on me? You would handle it?"
"Who says we are going to be going out at all the next time I get my hands on you?"
"Mmmm. I like that. But... but... but... what if we did?"
"***exaggerated sigh*** I am not going to take you anywhere that I so much as suspect that I will not be able to keep you safe. In the unlikely event that I miscalculate and there is a jackass in the crowd, historically it has been enough to step close to my side, with my arm around your shoulders. Only twice in the last four decades has it been necessary to do more than look at them. In that event, you will stay where I put you so that I don't have to worry about you being in the line of the parabolic arc when I grab their ankle and swing them over my head to smash face-first into the ground, twist around to face the other direction, and swing them up and over just in case they manage to protect their face with their, now broken, arms the first time. If I so much as suspect that they mean you harm, all of the demons of Hell will have more mercy than I will. Satisfied?"
***exaggerated nodding and big smiles***
Our dynamic is not your dynamic. Your dynamic is not ours. My dynamic with her is not the same as my dynamic with my wife or anyone else. Her dynamic with me is not the same as her dynamic with her husband or anyone else. Each of us bears our own scars and baggage. Each of us bears a responsibility to the other that if we can do no good, we at least do no purposeful harm that could have been avoided.
Online:
"No, thank you. I do not wish to play with you" should be an acceptable response if someone approaches, wanting to play.
"I am in a committed relationship and don't play with anyone except him/her" should be a graceful, acceptable response to continued unwanted advances.
Further unwanted advances should be deleted unread and the sender blocked. Put on ignore, you will not receive further messages from them in private nor be afflicted by their posts in public, save for when someone quotes them.
Face-to-face:
Similarly, "No, thank you. I do not wish to play with you," should be adequate and graceful.
Sadly, there are times that it isn't. At which point, "Excuse me, but I am with someone," should be fine. Particularly if you then move to that someone. (And she should expect to be grilled when I get her home about whether she followed the minimal safety protocols as we'd drilled. For example, what was she doing out of arm's reach of me between sunset and sunrise.)
In the, historically rare, event that gaining my unwavering full attention isn't enough to dissuade her ardent suitor, then it is no longer her problem but my entertainment.
Their continued harassment is all the consent I need.
And I don't owe them a safeword.
PrettyLilPussy19
•.° deep waters °.•
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
- Posts
- 26,486
This is honestly hard for me. I'm totally one of those "I don't want to be mean" people. And there is often the hope that some guys can rise above and we can be friendly.
If things are going a place I don't want to go, I usually say something nice but friendly and pray they get the hint. Then I usually just ignore. If they get snarky, condescending or mean - I have no problem giving them an earful.
I guess I always tried to "read the room" and attempt to be as informed about the person I'm talking to as possible on Lit so that I don't make anyone else uncomfortable. I assume other people do the same.
I think the thing that has most astounded me is the people who want to be the "the exception". I know you're exclusive but I'm going to try to push and tempt and tease and be the guy who makes you slip. I guess it's an ego boost?
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 17,856
noting that "gracefully" doesn't always require "without hurting the guy's feelings". Sometimes people need to be told - politely at first, but clearly.
AveryElle
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2017
- Posts
- 5,998
I’m not exclusive (though, I am exclusive on lit with my lit partner) but I turn down PMs by not answering ones that clearly imply wanting to play or ask me inappropriate questions. I don’t find it difficult at all because I don’t know these people in don’t care if they’re offended or annoyed. It’s also pretty obvious I’m in a lit relationship, and that goes a long way in deterring people except the super creeps. And the super creeps are easiest to ignore.
In ‘the real world’, I wear a wedding ring. That goes a long way.
AveryElle
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2017
- Posts
- 5,998
Darling, your questions are never inappropriate
elli1point1
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2017
- Posts
- 1,346
From a sub's perspective: same as in a vanilla relationship.
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