❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#55

#55 (submitted)

Everybody gets sick now and then, and many infections can be spread by sexual/BDSM activity, from the common cold to cold sores to hepatitis B HIV. What are our responsibilities for disclosing to our partners? If we're already taking precautions that would minimise the risk of infection, is there still a duty to tell our partner? Does it depend on the type of infection?

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Huge thanks to everyone who has submitted questions! Keep 'em coming!

 

[LostGirlTink]

#55 (submitted)

Everybody gets sick now and then, and many infections can be spread by sexual/BDSM activity, from the common cold to cold sores to hepatitis B HIV. What are our responsibilities for disclosing to our partners? If we're already taking precautions that would minimise the risk of infection, is there still a duty to tell our partner? Does it depend on the type of infection?

Do people really question this?
If you can’t be honest with someone, then you have no business touching then or letting them touch you. You have a responsibility to them but more importantly to YOURSELF to establish those ground rules.
Why would you not communicate important information that can impact someone’s health for any reason?
You know just because someone maybe generally healthy, doesn’t mean that the people that they come in contact with in their life are also generally healthy. So it’s important to communicate if somethings coming up
that they need to know about. Putting your partner and the people they come in contact with at risk is incredibly reckless and selfish

 

[Blueeyesrenee]

^^^^ have to totally agree with Tink.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#55 (submitted)

Everybody gets sick now and then, and many infections can be spread by sexual/BDSM activity, from the common cold to cold sores to hepatitis B HIV. What are our responsibilities for disclosing to our partners? If we're already taking precautions that would minimise the risk of infection, is there still a duty to tell our partner? Does it depend on the type of infection?

It seems like talking with your partner about what's going on with your body would be a natural part of being in a physical relationship with someone.

 

[LostGirlTink]

It seems like talking with your partner about what's going on with your body would be a natural part of being in a physical relationship with someone.

I guess I figure with BDSM especially if you can't say "Babe, I'm coming down with a cold/the flu/pinkeye/a yeast infection"
how the hell are you going to be able to say
"You hit me too hard last time, be softer" or "I need you to not hold back the next time you smack my ass" or anything you might need to convey.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Good point.

 

[Apisto42]

I guess I figure with BDSM especially if you can't say "Babe, I'm coming down with a cold/the flu/pinkeye/a yeast infection"
how the hell are you going to be able to say
"You hit me too hard last time, be softer" or "I need you to not hold back the next time you smack my ass" or anything you might need to convey.

There’s a lot of people that would consider the latter to not be personal, but would think discussing cold/flu/etc is not part of the relationship.

I call these people “assholes”. It’s a technical term, but I think everyone gets the idea.

If you’re doing anything physical, everything is important.

 

[LostGirlTink]

There’s a lot of people that would consider the latter to not be personal, but would think discussing cold/flu/etc is not part of the relationship.

I call these people “assholes”. It’s a technical term, but I think everyone gets the idea.

If you’re doing anything physical, everything is important.

Yes. Assholes. I've heard of those.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

How hard is it to say, 'I have a weird thing on my downstairs. I think you should not lick it until i find out what it is' ?

 

[Bramblethorn]

How hard is it to say, 'I have a weird thing on my downstairs. I think you should not lick it until i find out what it is' ?

That kind of thing is pretty obvious, but some stuff is less so.

Most of us in this forum are carrying multiple strains of herpes virus right now, without even knowing about it. Pick a random adult in the developed world, and they have about a 95% chance of being an Epstein-Barr carrier and 60-70% of carrying CMV.

Like a lot of herpes viruses, they transmit easily (especially through saliva or sexual fluids) and once you have them, you're potentially infectious for life. If you've ever had glandular fever, you're probably a carrier of at least one of those two, but many infections are asymptomatic.

So... who here would feel morally obliged to disclose something like "I had glandular fever twenty years ago, so I may still be infectious with a virus that you've probably already had?" Is everybody who doesn't do that an asshole?

I wouldn't expect a partner to disclose that kind of thing to me. It's not that E-B and CMV aren't serious, just that they're so ubiquitous that it seems pointless trying to avoid them - especially when most of the people who have them won't have a clue that they're infectious.

 

[Bramblethorn]

#55 (submitted)

Everybody gets sick now and then, and many infections can be spread by sexual/BDSM activity, from the common cold to cold sores to hepatitis B HIV. What are our responsibilities for disclosing to our partners? If we're already taking precautions that would minimise the risk of infection, is there still a duty to tell our partner? Does it depend on the type of infection?

Mine, FWIW: I see CMV, Epstein-Barr, and oral cold sores (HSV-1) as pretty much inevitable. They're so ubiquitous and so easily spread that most of us are going to get them sooner or later. Outside of special circumstances, I don't think expecting people to disclose latent infections for those three is useful - most people who are carrying them don't even know they've been infected, and those who do know may not realise they can still be infectious even when they're not symptomatic.

Of course if a partner indicated that they did want that sort of information disclosed, I'd tell them what I could, but I'm not sure whether disclosing things like "I had glandular fever twenty years ago" to every potential partner is a standard expectation.

(An active infection is a different matter, since that makes people much more infectious.)

For most other things that are typically classified as STIs, I would disclose, and I'd expect a partner to disclose if they knew (and to try to stay informed about their status!) I'd also disclose if I had a "non-STI" that's easily transmissible through intimacy, e.g. a cold coming on - if I was in the mood at all!

But different subcultures have different expectations about these things. PreP gives excellent protection against HIV infection, and antiretrovirals can reduce HIV load to the point where people are pretty much incapable of passing it on. My understanding is that in circles where everybody's using PreP and/or ARVs, there's less of an expectation that people will disclose, with more reliance on preventative technology than on a casual partner's honesty. But that's a long way from my own situation, so I'm going on second-hand accounts there.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Wow! Good info., thank you!

 

[LostGirlTink]

That kind of thing is pretty obvious, but some stuff is less so.

Most of us in this forum are carrying multiple strains of herpes virus right now, without even knowing about it. Pick a random adult in the developed world, and they have about a 95% chance of being an Epstein-Barr carrier and 60-70% of carrying CMV.

Like a lot of herpes viruses, they transmit easily (especially through saliva or sexual fluids) and once you have them, you're potentially infectious for life. If you've ever had glandular fever, you're probably a carrier of at least one of those two, but many infections are asymptomatic.

So... who here would feel morally obliged to disclose something like "I had glandular fever twenty years ago, so I may still be infectious with a virus that you've probably already had?" Is everybody who doesn't do that an asshole?

I wouldn't expect a partner to disclose that kind of thing to me. It's not that E-B and CMV aren't serious, just that they're so ubiquitous that it seems pointless trying to avoid them - especially when most of the people who have them won't have a clue that they're infectious.

Did you know that recent statistics show that over 80% of young women in the 20-35 range have some form of HPV, most women in their 35-50 range have about a 45% chance of having it and 50s somewhere back up in the 60's before it spikes back up to almost 80% for people over 60. (Guess what retirees are doing these days?!?!)
HPV can cause cervical cancer.
I don't have it and I don't want it.
Just because a good chunk of the world has something already and you may assume that people don't care doesn't make it accurate. I'd pretty much assume that someone that gave me HPV was an asshole.
Because they would be.

Do I expect anyone who has ever had a cold sore to tell me that? Probably not.. though it's not bad information to have.
Do I expect someone who has ever had a cold sore and feels like they MIGHT be getting one to mention it? Hell yes.
If someone has had an STD in the past, I'd like to know that. That tells me a lot, about their honesty, their choices, how they handle a medical issue.

You only get one body, why aren't people more cautious with theirs?
Questions like this make me really glad I'm incredibly picky about who I let in my pants.

 

[Mei5ter]

Did you know that recent statistics show that over 80% of young women in the 20-35 range have some form of HPV, most women in their 35-50 range have about a 45% chance of having it and 50s somewhere back up in the 60's before it spikes back up to almost 80% for people over 60. (Guess what retirees are doing these days?!?!)
HPV can cause cervical cancer.
I don't have it and I don't want it.
Just because a good chunk of the world has something already and you may assume that people don't care doesn't make it accurate. I'd pretty much assume that someone that gave me HPV was an asshole.
Because they would be.

Do I expect anyone who has ever had a cold sore to tell me that? Probably not.. though it's not bad information to have.
Do I expect someone who has ever had a cold sore and feels like they MIGHT be getting one to mention it? Hell yes.
If someone has had an STD in the past, I'd like to know that. That tells me a lot, about their honesty, their choices, how they handle a medical issue.

You only get one body, why aren't people more cautious with theirs?
Questions like this make me really glad I'm incredibly picky about who I let in my pants.

I shall be careful only to let women aged 35-50 into my pants.

 

[AveryElle]

I shall be careful only to let women aged 35-50 into my pants.

Shame it’s the old men that spread it....

 

[Knoturnal]

Shame it’s the old men that spread it....

I didn’t give it to them

 

[Bramblethorn]

Did you know that recent statistics show that over 80% of young women in the 20-35 range have some form of HPV, most women in their 35-50 range have about a 45% chance of having it and 50s somewhere back up in the 60's before it spikes back up to almost 80% for people over 60. (Guess what retirees are doing these days?!?!)
HPV can cause cervical cancer.

I'm guessing those would be US stats? The picture is a bit better where I live, thanks to a decade of Gardasil vaccination. (The change in overall HPV rate isn't huge, but that's because Gardasil specifically targets four strains that are relatively rare but much more dangerous than the more common strains; that should improve further with a switch to 9vHPV.)

I don't have it and I don't want it.
Just because a good chunk of the world has something already and you may assume that people don't care doesn't make it accurate. I'd pretty much assume that someone that gave me HPV was an asshole.
Because they would be.

How does a partner avoid being that kind of asshole, though?

Most people who have HPV don't know they have it. Doctors don't recommend routine testing for women under 30, standard tests don't pick up all strains, and there is no approved test for HPV in men... and condoms are not 100% effective at preventing HPV transmission.

Short of life-long monogamy, it's hard to see how anybody can guarantee they're not passing on HPV.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#56

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

 

[AveryElle]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

The only one I really want but likely won't get is difficult to achieve because most guys don't want to share. If I have a willing partner, I wouldn't want to do it with them. It should probably be with two people I have absolutely no commitment to because I think too much could go wrong for it to be with my spouse or another long-term partner.

the things I WANT to do with, say, some random british litster that go unfilled are because of a lack of time. But we communicate about them fine, I think? He'd have to disagree (or agree). Everything else, elsewhere, I think I'm pretty good.

Now, there are things partners want to do that I wont (mentioned elsewhere), and I am happy to allow them to explore it elsewhere while I struggle with why they like it and internalize that disgust and relate it to my bad taste in men

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

I don't have unfulfilled fantasies that involve my wife for very long, because she has an even filthier mind that I do. Chances are if I just thought about it, she's already been shopping at eXtreme Restraints or the Stag Shop online.

Fantasies that involve someone else, I only express through my writing. This will sound corny, but I can't envision cheating, so the only way for me to fulfill such a fantasy is if she was not around. That instantly deflates my stiffy, every time.(The exception being porn videos I suppose).

Playing here is just playing: mind games mostly (and sometimes it leads to writing).

 

[Bramblethorn]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

Sometimes "partner not into that". But also: I've been more or less perpetually tired for the last several years and when I'm tired it's harder to find the mental energy required to initiate new stuff, even when it's fun new stuff.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

I can't think of any unfulfilled fantasies (kinky or otherwise) that my current partner hasn't already had experience with, and wouldn't be willing to do with me. So if i want to do them, I can, I just have to ask.

There's really only one thing that is on my Definitely Must Do list. Aside from accomplishing that, my goal is simply to enjoy the journey.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

To me there are several classes of unfulfilled fantasies.

Those I really want to that won't cause problems. These are usually lacking appropriate partner{s} or health.

Those I want to that WOULD cause problems - Jail time, health concerns, having to lie, etc

Those I'm curious about that won't cause problems - partners, health, sometimes squick,

etc.

IMO Gear should rarely be a concern, unless it's a brand-name based fetish. Improv is a very, very powerful thing!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

IMO Gear should rarely be a concern, unless it's a brand-name based fetish. Improv is a very, very powerful thing!

Oooh, yes!