❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[AlwaysFara]

I'm guessing those would be US stats? The picture is a bit better where I live, thanks to a decade of Gardasil vaccination. (The change in overall HPV rate isn't huge, but that's because Gardasil specifically targets four strains that are relatively rare but much more dangerous than the more common strains; that should improve further with a switch to 9vHPV.)



How does a partner avoid being that kind of asshole, though?

Most people who have HPV don't know they have it. Doctors don't recommend routine testing for women under 30, standard tests don't pick up all strains, and there is no approved test for HPV in men... and condoms are not 100% effective at preventing HPV transmission.

Short of life-long monogamy, it's hard to see how anybody can guarantee they're not passing on HPV.

This. Most people with HPV have no symptoms at all, and if they don’t get check ups regularly, it can go undetected for years.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

My fantasies have been fulfilled. The biggest obstacle is time.

 

[Nzerxx]

How hard is it to say, 'I have a weird thing on my downstairs. I think you should not lick it until i find out what it is' ?

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

My fantasies have been fulfilled. The biggest obstacle is time.

Amen Sister. That's why I'm looking forward to retirement. Time.

 

[AlpineFresco]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

Time, for things with a far-flung partner; time, space and willing partners for the fantasies. It's nothing out there, and nothing I've hidden from anyone, just things I'll have to actively look for and haven't done so yet.

 

[twister947]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

My fantasies all revolve around a partner who thinks up this stuff on her own. They specifically exclude me scripting and directing. It's a dead end street.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#57

#57 (submitted)

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships outside your relationship change based on whether or not you have a partner?
Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it's doing well?
Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships change based on whether or not you have a partner?
Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it's doing well?
Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

IMO, yes, partner implies a longterm relationship and typically negotiation starts out on a common baseline - already know each others' hard limits. NOt saying hard limits don't change - they can - just that you know with this partner not to ask about anal play until/unless they end up offering it.

With a new playmate, the whole thing should be explicit. You have no common background to draw from.

The harder the relationship, the more important the communications and the more difficult to communicate effectively. There may come a time in the death of a relationship to say, "You don't trust me, I don't trust you, we're fighting too much - I don't want to take it out on you in BDSM play & it's time to stop."

Don't know about online, what little online I've done has been lighthearted, rarely BDSMesque except on the rare request. I'd suspect boundaries & negotiations are important here too.

 

[Dreamliner]

#57 (submitted)

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships outside your relationship change based on whether or not you have a partner?
Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it's doing well?
Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

Yes, a long-term partner is based on a shared relationship, therefore I would expect us both to have discussed and know what is acceptable and not.

No, if the relationship is struggling then I would expect to devote more time with a partner to resolve matters, either way, to continue or not, but it is appropriate to ensure there is no lingering angst or feelings of being let down due to lack of attention and commitment.

Depends on how close you are with the person online and where we saw, if any lines that might be crossed. However, an online relationship dynamic is different to offline.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#56 (submitted)

Unfulfilled Fantasies

What keeps you from acting out unfulfilled fantasies? Lack of a willing partner? Skilled partner? Gear/situation? Jail time possible/probable? Health concerns? Squick? Communications - your partners don't know and you're not telling them? Something else?

Lack of a willing or available partner.

Part of me wishes I never discovered this side of myself. It's kind of awful to know and never get sometimes.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Lack of a willing or available partner.

Part of me wishes I never discovered this side of myself. It's kind of awful to know and never get sometimes.

I felt like that my entire marriage...he wasn't interested in the kink.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#57 (submitted)

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships outside your relationship change based on whether or not you have a partner?
Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it's doing well?
Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

I think you naturally end up talking about kink/relationships etc while you're between relationships because you're explaining and exploring.

When I'm with someone I like the feeling of intimacy that comes with having those conversations between us.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I felt like that my entire marriage...he wasn't interested in the kink.

While joking about trying something slightly kinky the other night, he comes back with "I dont know babe. That's how you end up getting into bdsm!"

Oh scandal!

 

[UsuallyPresent]

While joking about trying something slightly kinky the other night, he comes back with "I dont know babe. That's how you end up getting into bdsm!"

Oh scandal!

And what did you say back? Sounds like an open conversational door you could step through, maybe?


edit - an italic scared smiley - how hilarious!

 

[barefootgirl69]

While joking about trying something slightly kinky the other night, he comes back with "I dont know babe. That's how you end up getting into bdsm!"

Oh scandal!

Maybe it's time to say...hey, I looked it up and not everything about bdsm is bad. If he's ever tied you up, he's participated already! It's the misconception about it that can seem overwhelming.

(Best wishes to you)

 

[AlwaysFara]

While joking about trying something slightly kinky the other night, he comes back with "I dont know babe. That's how you end up getting into bdsm!"

Oh scandal!

Laugh. Cry.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Oh I've tried and get playfully teased all the time. I give up.

On him anyway.

 

[AveryElle]

I mean no disrespect to anyone here, but if one doesn’t get what they want in this area in their marriage, how can you satisfy it? Did ‘online only’ replace the human contact? Did you get a divorce? Open the marriage up? Cheat (either in real life or just online)? I’m curious how you rectify the dichotomy.

I guess I’d also love to hear the input from less kinkier people with the kinkier partner - like, when they asked and you were taken back, why? But odds of them being here (or admitting!) are nil!

(Really just curious how people on both sides handle this)

 

[barefootgirl69]

I mean no disrespect to anyone here, but if one doesn’t get what they want in this area in their marriage, how can you satisfy it? Did ‘online only’ replace the human contact? Did you get a divorce? Open the marriage up? Cheat (either in real life or just online)? I’m curious how you rectify the dichotomy.

I guess I’d also love to hear the input from less kinkier people with the kinkier partner - like, when they asked and you were taken back, why? But odds of them being here (or admitting!) are nil!

Personally, I put this part of me aside, after having lived it before my marriage. Until I filed for divorce and came to Lit. I know that any relationship I get involved in will have to have these elements that I desire, I won't give them up again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships outside your relationship change based on whether or not you have a partner?


Yeah, I think it does. When I am in a relationship I can discuss those things inside the relationship. When I’m not in a relationship that discussion happens outside of any relationship because that’s where I am. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a relationship that didn’t have some level of kink. That’s who I am. That’s where I go.

Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it’s doing well?

No, not for me. My relationships have never struggled in the area of sex. They’ve struggled in the areas of life. When I look back at the three relationships I’ve had that ended without my active agreement that it was time to end it, two ended because of career based relocations (one mine - she didn’t want to come with me, one hers - I wasn’t invited to come), and the other because of the weight of life and her wanting to “start over” somewhere else, with someone else. I was part of “the weight of life” or rather a constant reminder of what had gone before. That was hard on my heart, but I understood it.

Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

No, I don’t think so.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

While joking about trying something slightly kinky the other night, he comes back with "I dont know babe. That's how you end up getting into bdsm!"

Oh scandal!

Response: "And your objection is?"

 

[Blueeyesrenee]

Personally, I put this part of me aside, after having lived it before my marriage. Until I filed for divorce and came to Lit. I know that any relationship I get involved in will have to have these elements that I desire, I won't give them up again.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

When I'm with someone I like the feeling of intimacy that comes with having those conversations between us.

Same. I like that private little bubble.

When I'm between, or in a relationship with a disinterested partner, i want to engage in conversation outside the relationship in order to feel like i still have a foot in that world.

 

[13Fantasies]

Lack of a willing or available partner.

Part of me wishes I never discovered this side of myself. It's kind of awful to know and never get sometimes.

Same.

My wife has no desires or fantasies that I know about. We have had more honest conversations, which is great, but no action. In fact, physical activity has stopped completely outside of hugs and occasional kisses of intensity.

 

[cookiecat]

Same.

My wife has no desires or fantasies that I know about. We have had more honest conversations, which is great, but no action. In fact, physical activity has stopped completely outside of hugs and occasional kisses of intensity.

This must be a huge drag. I understand life changes but the loss of intimacy and sex must be a huge adjustment.