❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Hipshot1554]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly?

Both


Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? Not in my opinion


How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

As much as she's willing to share.

 

[Dreamliner]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

Watch, listen and learn, use the knowledge and understanding from these in the dynamic with your partner. I do like to talk and understand what she is thinking, what she needs, what satisfies her needs and how that then works for us as partners.

 

[LouisianaWild]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

For me it’s a little of both. I learn from watching/listening etc in the moment to find out his likes/dislikes etc. But as I mentioned somewhere before I am a communication whore. I will ask questions and look for answers. It doesn’t diminish anything for me because I can’t make my partner happy if I don’t know the parameters.

 

[ultramarineblue]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

For me it’s a little of both. I learn from watching/listening etc in the moment to find out his likes/dislikes etc. But as I mentioned somewhere before I am a communication whore. I will ask questions and look for answers. It doesn’t diminish anything for me because I can’t make my partner happy if I don’t know the parameters.

I'm like LouisianaWild in that I'm all about communication. I think it's important to know likes, desires, as well as things that are not liked. I don't think it diminishes anything at all because even though you may discuss those things at length, you still can't know exactly how someone will do something like exactly where and how hard or soft the first stroke of impact play would be. That's where watching and responding to visual cues becomes important. Of course, it's also important to speak up if necessary as in using a safe word or even just saying that you need a small break or change in type of play for a moment. After play I like to communicate what really worked for me and possibly why as well as what may not have worked and why.

 

[Mei5ter]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

The more we talk, the more telepathic we get.

 

[cookiecat]

I used to be in to mystique and allure. That set me up for a lot of disappointment.

While I realize a lot of folks, mainly men folk, don't emote a lot about their inner life, if I want to know something, I'll ask. I try to be open minded but if someone isn't willing to share their stuff, I'm not willing to stay engaged.

Meister, I like that -- talking more creates a better connection.

 

[Sh75]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

I think you learn about your partner from both of those things, talking as much as possible, being attentive to what they say, how they react, being observant with regard to their behaviour, what makes them happy, what makes them sad to the point where if you are invested n interested enough you dont have to ask, you just know, you can predict their feelings or responses. I want to learn everything about my partner and them me, the light and the dark, to me thats where the beauty of a relationship lies, knowing your partner deeper than most or any others, sometimes even better than themselves at times. The mystique n allure is learning everything about them, knowing their heart, soul and mind, knowing what they need from you and when without needing to ask.

 

[AveryElle]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

Depends on the partner. My spouse and I have a combo of this because he is neurodivergent. Direct can be hurtful and ‘allure’ can be undetected. So timing and setting matter.

As for other partners....if I sense that they genuinely want to know, I open up. But rarely and almost no partner have known me well enough to say they truly know me. When I know it’s one or two time thing, it’s easier for me to say what I want and like because rejection isn’t an issue, but mostly those partners come from kink spaces anyway and it’s more important to say what I don’t like/set limits.

But wants and needs are different. As someone in an open, ‘kinky’ relationship, I work to define and prioritize needs and wants. Needs must be met at home (physically and emotionally) for me or the relationship is pointless - no other relationship can make up for a bad one at home for me. Wants are different and I don’t always get what I want based on interest and available time.

 

[AlpineFresco]

#76 (suggested)

Mental Exploration

Do you learn your partner's feelings and needs from observation or by asking directly? Does it diminish the mystique and allure by asking? How much do you want to know about your partners inner life?

I learn through both observation and by asking. If I'm not sure, I'll ask. Does it diminish the allure? Less so than getting something badly wrong would - sometimes I'm confident I'm right and that's been borne out, but I've also been confident I've been reading things right and been completely wrong, so...

How much do I want to know? Oh, it's a balancing act. Of course I want to know what's going on, but if there's something they don't want to share, I'd rather they just didn't share than did it because they felt pressured to.

Generally I prefer clear communication. Even if I know someone well I'm not a mind reader, and if there's something they want me to know then being clear is good.

 

[cookiecat]

Along the lines of mental exploration and knowing each others inner life -- I've become more interested in mental shenanigans lately. Maybe it's humiliation? I'm not sure?

I like my partner to take the time to know what scares me, what turns me on, what makes me feel safe and use those kinds of emotional triggers to play with me. Maybe the easiest example of this is doing something super slutty/lewd/dirty/scary and being told I'm a good girl.

The thought of having to crawl around and beg for his cock, maybe a piggy tail plug up in me thrills me more these days than something more physical. I'm not sure the emotional thing always has to be humiliating. Sometimes being opened up and made to actually be vulnerable and share a secret or a fear can be the thing.

Does this make sense??

 

[base10]

Along the lines of mental exploration and knowing each others inner life -- I've become more interested in mental shenanigans lately. Maybe it's humiliation? I'm not sure?

I like my partner to take the time to know what scares me, what turns me on, what makes me feel safe and use those kinds of emotional triggers to play with me. Maybe the easiest example of this is doing something super slutty/lewd/dirty/scary and being told I'm a good girl.

The thought of having to crawl around and beg for his cock, maybe a piggy tail plug up in me thrills me more these days than something more physical. I'm not sure the emotional thing always has to be humiliating. Sometimes being opened up and made to actually be vulnerable and share a secret or a fear can be the thing.

Does this make sense??

This makes perfect sense to me. It's not only the connection, but the trust.

From the dominant side, having someone make herself so vulnerable, so trusting that she will let you put her into a space and do things to her that should never be ok outside of this scenario is the biggest turn on I can think of.

She knows and trusts you, not only to take her down, but to bring her back up. That connection is everything.

 

[fitguy930]

For me it’s a little of both. I learn from watching/listening etc in the moment to find out his likes/dislikes etc. But as I mentioned somewhere before I am a communication whore. I will ask questions and look for answers. It doesn’t diminish anything for me because I can’t make my partner happy if I don’t know the parameters.

Hmmm, nicely said! I’m in a similar boat

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#77

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them? Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner? Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go? Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

 

[AveryElle]

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them? Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner? Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go? Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

I haven't. I'm very comfortable with my kinks, such as they are.

And learning about some partner's kinks has been a turn off (CNC and Dd/lg/age play stuff). I have ended interactions where the top clearly wanted to advance a CNC scene or thought being a brat was one step closer to getting me to act like a little. So was it "too much for me to handle"? I guess because I ended interactions with them. I have had to compromise my own concept of morals before (allowing a partner to participate in a kink I actively find objectionable) and to me, it's a really horrible feeling. I felt like a hypocrite.

To each their own, but it would save everyone a lot of time at play parties if folks literally wore labels!

 

[Mei5ter]

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them? Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner? Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go? Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

I WILL SATISFY ALL YOUR KINK WITH NO MERCY /TRUTH

Whatever happened to him?

 

[Mei5ter]

To eachtheir own, but it would save everyone a lot of time at play parties if folks literally wore labels!

It would be a lot more fun if they were carefully spanked with bar codes, which could then be read with a handy app.

Oh. And I hate labels.

 

[AveryElle]

It would be a lot more fun if they were carefully spanked with bar codes, which could then be read with a handy app.

Oh. And I hate labels.

QR code’s with what you’re into. Or not into. Would waste a lot less time

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I want to be read with a handheld scanner. *beep!*

 

[AnnieLit]

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them? Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner? Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go? Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

Depends on a partner... With the right one I don't think I have anything that I did not share. If I do, then most likely I don't know about it. Yet

The second question it's easy -- if one of their kinks is my hard limit, then it is not happening. If you want to call limits something "that is too much to handle", then yes, I have been there. On the other hand, they usually know my limits from the start or from very close to the start, so it is not like they are telling me about a kink and expect me to go along. Usually it comes up as "Oh, OK, such-and-such is a limit. I like it, but fine, we can do without it."

There probably are a few kinks that are technically not my hard limits, but I would prefer to avoid, but, thankfully, I have not been exposed to them much. They are not too taboo, or maybe not a taboo at all, just things that I know that most people like and I don't. Like, I really-really don't like to have my feet touched. So a guy with a foot fetish would not be a good fit, everybody else this should not affect too much.

 

[cookiecat]

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them?

Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner?

Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go?

Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

Yes

Super yes

It went pretty good

Holy cow, yes. I did try -- and both are now hard limits. A couple other things horrified me at first but have since become YES PLEASE!

It is interesting what is taboo to some isn't so taboo to others. As I navigate kinky dating again, this subject - along with hard / soft limits - comes up quickly in the conversation.

Weird how talking about watersports, squealing like a pig or (fill in the blank) comes up before knowing each others politics, favorite food or sometimes even names.

 

[Ropebunny]

#77

Too Taboo

Do you have any kinks that make you feel uncomfortable for liking them? Or something you'd feel uncomfortable sharing with a partner? Have you ever shared it and, if so, how did that go? Has a partner ever shared a kink with you that was too much for you to handle?

* No one should feel the need to share their kink.

** I shouldn't have to say "Be Respectful" but some folks just can't help being judgy.

Oh yes!

Those finally came out in the wash about a year ago and it went about a million times better than I’d expected. He had one quite understandable hard limit out of my fairly decent list (fisting and claustrophobia don’t mix) and we’ve got a little ritual to get around to trying it all. So far, electricity has been very, very enjoyable and something we both would like to expand upon and knife play far more tame than my crazy mind was expecting. Would still like to take it further to a bit of bloodshed but we all the time in world. Still haven’t gotten around to buying needles...

The other half also as a bimbification fetish which I can handle, but I do find challenging. I have a wariness of it, as though it’s down some kind of rabbit hole that if I allow myself to go too far down into I might re-emerge utterly unrecognisable to myself. We’ve not played much very much with this, mostly just talk but I would like to get myself into a place where I’m strong enough to trust that my mental boundaries won’t erode entirely, especially as I know he’d like some permanent behavioural changes.

 

[cookiecat]

^^^^ The whole bimbo thing has a secret appeal. Being transformed. For me it hasn't been so much about physical but mental.

Ropebunny, without getting too personal, are the behavior changes things you're on board with? Can you see approaching this within a play session vs something ongoing?

 

[ultramarineblue]

Yes

Super yes

It went pretty good

Holy cow, yes. I did try -- and both are now hard limits. A couple other things horrified me at first but have since become YES PLEASE!

It is interesting what is taboo to some isn't so taboo to others. As I navigate kinky dating again, this subject - along with hard / soft limits - comes up quickly in the conversation.

Weird how talking about watersports, squealing like a pig or (fill in the blank) comes up before knowing each others politics, favorite food or sometimes even names.

I agree with a lot of this. It's fascinating to me what some consider taboo and others don't.

I don't really know that I have any that I'm really uncomfortable with sharing with someone I've played regularly with or that I'm pretty good friends with. I've had some shared with me that I wasn't sure about or knew I wasn't into it. With the ones I wasn't as sure about, I tried some and liked some.

With the ones I wasn't really into, it was more agreeing that wasn't necessarily something we'd do. It was all pretty easy to discuss. I'm petty up front about the fact that I don't judge what someone else likes and that while I may not be the person to explore it with, I don't think badly of them. I think that happens maybe more than people would like to admit because we're already doing some stuff outside of what is considered the norm for many. I guess I'm of the mindset that as long as consent can be given and no one is intentionally permanently harmed (unfortunately accidents can happen no matter how careful you are and how many safety precautions are taken). For example, you might unintentionally end up with a scar that you didn't want. I would hope that the safety precautions and reactions to change or correct play would come in before more serious damage could occur.

^^^^ The whole bimbo thing has a secret appeal. Being transformed. For me it hasn't been so much about physical but mental.

Ropebunny, without getting too personal, are the behavior changes things you're on board with? Can you see approaching this within a play session vs something ongoing?

Behavior changes are interesting to think about. I know you weren't asking me but I've had a dominant mentor work with me on some behavior changes I was on board with. Mine are ongoing and not really play related. I like staying up late but work is early so I have a consistent bedtime that I'm occasionally allowed to stay up past depending on the reason. Some others are basically learning a type of mantra to replace some of my negative self thoughts. It doesn't really require anything on his part much. I've had a few punishments but they were more at the beginning when I was more likely to lose track of time. Truthfully, I'm more likely to receive a punishment if I willfully disobey which really isn't something I like doing.

 

[Ropebunny]

^^^^ The whole bimbo thing has a secret appeal. Being transformed. For me it hasn't been so much about physical but mental.

Ropebunny, without getting too personal, are the behavior changes things you're on board with? Can you see approaching this within a play session vs something ongoing?

Oh I don’t mind personal! Yeah, I’m always up for most everything which is why the internal resistance is challenging me. It pushes on a lot of buttons for me, especially around how I express my femininity, which I also know feeds back into some trauma so there's some slow unraveling to do around each resistant pull.

My housekeeping (or lack there of) too is something we’re also trying to address within a D/s context, but I know that until I can improve there I’m not likely to make much progress on the bimbification, as the shame of failing on one measure impacts the other. The two things feel interrelated which makes it that much more complicated. This is definitely something ongoing, two steps forward, another one back kind of work but I hope that in time it will pay off for both of us, despite my reservations!

 

[cookiecat]

Oh I don’t mind personal! Yeah, I’m always up for most everything which is why the internal resistance is challenging me. It pushes on a lot of buttons for me, especially around how I express my femininity, which I also know feeds back into some trauma so there's some slow unraveling to do around each resistant pull.

My housekeeping (or lack there of) too is something we’re also trying to address within a D/s context, but I know that until I can improve there I’m not likely to make much progress on the bimbification, as the shame of failing on one measure impacts the other. The two things feel interrelated which makes it that much more complicated. This is definitely something ongoing, two steps forward, another one back kind of work but I hope that in time it will pay off for both of us, despite my reservations!

How cool you have a partner who wants to delve in to these murky but interesting things in a D/s way.

That internal resistance resonates. Even if the idea of certain things get me whipped up (in a good way) and those actual things make me wet, I still have this voice in my head, this hand squeezing the action side of my brain that makes me freeze up.

Good luck!