2013 Poem a week comment thread

[Angeline]

Bah! Why try to pick a favourite? Simply love them all.

Lotsa form and some verse libre going in all kinds of directions.

 

[HarryHill]

Bah! Why try to pick a favourite? Simply love them all.

..
My point exactly. Like having chocolate cake in one hand, apple pie in the other,
glazed doughnuts on the table, crying for one more hand.

 

[Desejo]

..
My point exactly. Like having chocolate cake in one hand, apple pie in the other,
glazed doughnuts on the table, crying for one more hand.

Pudding, you forgot the pudding!

 

[CharleyH]

Minton's Ghazal

The dream was sepia. It was a velvet tone poem,
a minor key, a smoky ennui all alone poem.
...

You really pick up on a point in time with this one, Ang. Love it!

 

[CharleyH]

Minton's Ghazal

The dream was sepia. It was a velvet tone poem,
a minor key, a smoky ennui all alone poem.
...

This is amazing! I loved the other as well, but this one? How you take a style of pottery, I am guessing, work it with blues music to make a comment on that pottery (and greater themes) and how blue was added? AMAZING - simply amazing.

 

[CharleyH]

Goofy’s Love Rondeau, with Canadian Accent¹

The way I feel, I think you know.
You’d better, for I’ve told you so
...

As a Canadian, I'm not with the pronunciation of a-gain. People may pronounce it that way outside of Ontario, but just as in the states, there are many accents, subtle as they may be to outsiders.

I have a love/hate relationship with this poem, Tzara. I love your insights and your thoughts in this one, but have to say that the rhymes are a bit predictable, and I know you are not.

 

[CharleyH]

Here we are together,
apart.

In a room
strewn with stuff.

Yours?

Mine.

...

In every poem you write, there is always that brilliant and quotable line. In this one, for me, it's: in pools of dusty sunlight.

 

[CharleyH]

Jesus, so many good poems, so little time to get to read and comment on more than a few. Thank you all, though. Amazing efforts and I'm enjoying them all.

 

[Angeline]

Tess' new poem is beautiful. It just is.

 

[HarryHill]

37 8/28/13

did not comment on this in Writing Live thread; it made me sad, blue. I feel that if a muse by any given name or none is there , it was close to you when you wrote this. Would love to see you submit it.

 

[Angeline]

did not comment on this in Writing Live thread; it made me sad, blue. I feel that if a muse by any given name or none is there , it was close to you when you wrote this. Would love to see you submit it.

Thanks Harry. It's for a dear friend from college, who died recently. When I wrote it in writing live I was still too close to my feelings to get it right. This time I tried to move the breaks around and make it sound more like it did in my head. And I added because it also did not feel finished.

 

[Angeline]

Tess, bravo to you for that go with The Artist's Daughter. I was rather astonished by the shift in the fifth strophe from a very austere studied banality to the riot of color and movement. It happens so suddenly and overwhelmingly it's like Dorothy walking from black and white into technicolor. It is a really special poem. I only have one teeny niggle: when you talk about the church window you keep it very plastic and empty sounding except for the word "primary," which suggests richness and brightness. If you changed to something like "dull" or "dusty," there would be nothing, not a word to foreshadow that punch coming up in strophe 5. Just a thought.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Tess, bravo to you for that go with The Artist's Daughter. I was rather astonished by the shift in the fifth strophe from a very austere studied banality to the riot of color and movement. It happens so suddenly and overwhelmingly it's like Dorothy walking from black and white into technicolor. It is a really special poem. I only have one teeny niggle: when you talk about the church window you keep it very plastic and empty sounding except for the word "primary," which suggests richness and brightness. If you changed to something like "dull" or "dusty," there would be nothing, not a word to foreshadow that punch coming up in strophe 5. Just a thought.

I had in mind the four primary colours as opposed to his vision of his daughter - to signify his new disenchantment and lack of comfort from the cross.

 

[Angeline]

I had in mind the four primary colours as opposed to his vision of his daughter - to signify his new disenchantment and lack of comfort from the cross.

Went back and read it and I see what you mean. Anyway it was just a thought. To be honest, even "primary" didn't jump out at me when I first read it, not in comparison to that riot of color that comes in that fifth strophe. But I understand about the poem. I've been rewriting Lester Leaps In for over ten years now. And I hope you know I was making my comment in the context of what I think is a wonderful poem.

 

[bogusagain]

Quote from Tzara Part of the problem here is that things happen in life where you're gone a bit, or you did not start the thread in January, or you were sick, you had company, you were on vacation, etc.

I have to admit that is true. I've had one of the most deliciously bizarre things happen to me that I won't discuss here because it is unbelievable, even to my friends who witnessed it.

Anyway, I've been writing a novel which is why I've been away and reading the 2013 thread I've been overwhelmed by guilt. Tzara with his reasonablemess just sends a dagger through your heart. Or more realistically, makes me feel guilty.

I promise to try and catch up on the 2013 thread. I swear it. I will throw myself in the Spree if I don't.

Of course I won't but I like the melodrama

 

[todski28]

Just echoing butters sentiments on greenmountaniers poem Dark Linoleum, there is so much depth in this poem.

To Angeline I like the way you made Hungry Jack more solid in its images each stanza a punch, but I'm not sure which version I like better the rawness of your first draught has such a hardness and appeal

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks, Tod. And thanks to butters. It was an edit of an earlier mediocre poem.

 

[todski28]

Thanks, Tod. And thanks to butters. It was an edit of an earlier mediocre poem.

Is there any chance you would post the previous version of this piece, to see where and what you changed, or did you kill it off? I am interested in seeing where the editing process takes people

 

[greenmountaineer]

Is there any chance you would post the previous version of this piece, to see where and what you changed, or did you kill it off? I am interested in seeing where the editing process takes people

http://www.literotica.com/p/dark-linoleum

 

[todski28]

thankyou GM

it is in essence the same poem but the paring back and changing of language has given it more depth, more for the reader to latch onto, maybe a less heavy handedness?

You really left the original in this poems wake, and the original was already pretty damn good.

 

[Angeline]

Just echoing butters sentiments on greenmountaniers poem Dark Linoleum, there is so much depth in this poem.

To Angeline I like the way you made Hungry Jack more solid in its images each stanza a punch, but I'm not sure which version I like better the rawness of your first draught has such a hardness and appeal

If you had read the second version first, you'd have thought I improved it. Maybe it still needs work but it was too sloppy in that first draft.

Thanks, Tod. And thanks to butters. It was an edit of an earlier mediocre poem.

It's a dark ghostly poem with the voice of northern NE running through it like granite. I could hear the accent!

 

[todski28]

If you had read the second version first, you'd have thought I improved it. Maybe it still needs work but it was too sloppy in that first draft.



It's a dark ghostly poem with the voice of northern NE running through it like granite. I could hear the accent!

I agree the edit made it better but there was an image and sound that you edited out that really struck home with me, having been poor enough to be living in a garden shed, showering under a garden hose and eating dog food for dinner back in the bygone years of my childhood

the phrase

"hungry guts" really worked for me. I have been hungry enough to steal and really connected with that line making me empathize with the character

 

[greenmountaineer]

Speaking to the Dead seems light-hearted, but then you realize you've taken the bait and Tzara's reeling your subconscious in. Speaking to the Dead really spoke to me. Great poem.

I liked the pas de deux between Corn Dog and Champagne too.

 

[HarryHill]

good things happening here.

 

[Tzara]

Speaking to the Dead seems light-hearted, but then you realize you've taken the bait and Tzara's reeling your subconscious in. Speaking to the Dead really spoke to me. Great poem.

Thank you, gm.That's both flattering and meaningful to me.