a companion to 30 in 30

[4degrees]

thank you mucho, majorly pandora. what a cool thing to say. but, just for future referance, i'm not a her.

 

[Safe_Bet]

thank you mucho, majorly pandora. what a cool thing to say. but, just for future referance, i'm not a her.

Geeze, Pandora! Don't you know a male zombie when you see one!

 

[4degrees]

haha. that's the nanny/personal assistant i want to hire..

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Eeep! I am so sorry about that, 4degrees. Now I have to go back and reread all your poems all over again. A pleasant task anyway.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Thank you.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Remec I LOVED your poem today. I got such a realistic feeling of playing a game that I knew I couldn't win, but played anyway! Beautiful.

 

[WickedEve]

There is some amazing poetry on this page, writers. Eve, your agony Maria poem is as elegant a crucifix as I've ever seen in a poem. Lovely.

Remec and Lady, very poignant work.

Hats-right-the-fuck-off to 4Degrees for her blue poem. That poem is stunning. Tight.

Thank you, Miss Glitters.

 

[Safe_Bet]

LadyS, now you're "such a Ghazal slut" too!

 

[Remec]

Remec I LOVED your poem today. I got such a realistic feeling of playing a game that I knew I couldn't win, but played anyway! Beautiful.

Thanks. I've been looking at some of the other forms (or thinks that look like forms) posted lately here and there and seeing if I can come up with poems in a similar vein.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Eve's 1-14

Click 1-14

I like this poem, it's good. Mood and composition. The two characters.

In the 3' line I would prefer "and" in place of "with" -- that "with" belongs to the instruction on how to operate some tech-gizmo.

Line 4: "From across the room" is a bit awkward ("from across" doesn't make much sense). I am not sure about a remedy. I was thinking about moving this info to the 1' stanza--thus instead of:

He settles deep
into his chair,
with his old man's cock.

From across the room,
I see the gray is waxing,
and I want
​

we'd have something like:

He settles deep
into his chair
across the room
and his old man's cock.

I see the gray is waxing,
and I want
​

But I don't know.

What is the meaning of "even" in line 8? If "despite" is possible then "even" should be removed. I hope that it means "evenly", which sounds less good (sound wise only) but the logical "despite" should be avoided. Perhaps there is a good solution. Certainly removing "even" is not too bad except that then there is a little too much of "gray". It's something to think about. It's a very minor issue, but at some level such minor issues start to make a difference (between a strong poem and a superb one).

Word "some" in the 5' line from the end is not poetry, it does not belong to the poem. Perhaps replacing "some" by "a", and replacing "hair" by "tuft" or" wisp", something like this, will get you still more poetry, more of an image.

A very good poem. Thank you, Eve, regards,

 

[champagne1982]

I think the "even" in L8 of WE's poem is nicely ambiguous. It could mean despite but may also hold a "because" or "especially".

 

[Senna Jawa]

I think the "even" in L8 of WE's poem is nicely ambiguous. It could mean despite but may also hold a "because" or "especially".

If that's the case then Eve should get rid of it.

 

[champagne1982]

If that's the case then Eve should get rid of it.

yes, since my taste is atrocious

 

[Senna Jawa]

yes, since my taste is atrocious

In this particular case indeed.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks you two for the comments.

I originally came onto this thread to say, "When will this hell end? I'm only on day 15!"

 

[clock1]

I'm a day or so late on this so please forgive me.

I've been following the comments concerning a poem. and do not understand some of the "problems" with the poem, especially where the "cure" detracts from the non existent disease.

So, I'll offer to Eve...

He settles deep
into his chair,
with his old man's cock.

From across the room,
I see the gray is waxing,
and I want

this old man. I want him,
even grayed and weary —
fingers do not miss pulling some foolish,
forgettable
Samson's hair.

I come to him
and there is no rest.

I like this poem with all of the erotic potential. The first stanza grabs, just as it is. There is a clear verbal picture, the man can be seen, with his "old man's cock". Someone suggested "and his old man's cock" that would have made no sense at all there was nothing in the lines for the cock to be "and" with. The man was in the chair, the most significant aspect of this now visually naked man was his cock, he, in the chair had to be with his cock.

The next stanza has the line, recommended to be placed above, where again it does not fit or make sense. To start this line with "From across the room" introduces the narrator, and the vantage point. It is an excellent point of view instrument. That is followed by personal comments; it removes a hinted starkness from the first stanza to a more personal relationship. It also foreshadows the remainder of the poem.

the third stanza begins:

"this old man. I want him,
even grayed and weary —"


She recognizes the potential within this man. She takes things that many/most would see as detractors/distractions and embraces their desirability.

She wants him, even though he is grey, weary--there is so much visual imagery in these lines, and she accepts the ravages of time, no, more than accepts, embraces.

She then leaves physical descriptions and becomes physical. Takes a hero from the bible who transcends religion and embraces the legendary strength. Her acceptance and desire rekindle true passion. Her final line "and there is no rest" is a wink at the rest of us as she pulls the curtain closed.

Yeah, a really good poem. Volumes said in minimal words. This is one that needed no editing.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

There are some wonderful poems on the 30/30 today and ANGELINE is IN!!! And with a heck of an entrance, too.

I look forward to reading more of your poems this month, Angeline.

 

[Angeline]

There are some wonderful poems on the 30/30 today and ANGELINE is IN!!! And with a heck of an entrance, too.

I look forward to reading more of your poems this month, Angeline.

Thank you lovely Dora. I felt like it was time and that I could. We shall see. I may need some handholding.

 

[4degrees]

ang, that po is killer, with a really great beat. have you read it out loud? it's frigging great.
do more do more

 

[sassynyc]

ditto to 4d's sentiment
ms ange is on board....i don't have an apple gallette on hand,but i think bij could hook you up with a few baguettes and some good cheese. i'm sure there's a bottle or two she could stand to part with. all meant to be included in your welcome basket, unless you'd rather wait until you've finished to get the basket. (speak to bistro management) glad yoou're in the 30

 

[Angeline]

ang, that po is killer, with a really great beat. have you read it out loud? it's frigging great.
do more do more

ditto to 4d's sentiment
ms ange is on board....i don't have an apple gallette on hand,but i think bij could hook you up with a few baguettes and some good cheese. i'm sure there's a bottle or two she could stand to part with. all meant to be included in your welcome basket, unless you'd rather wait until you've finished to get the basket. (speak to bistro management) glad yoou're in the 30

Thank you both. Just get me some wine and start pouring it down me around day 11.

 

[sassynyc]

LadyS, congrats on your finish.

Ange, that is a gorgeous piece of poetry. Just thinking about the imminent PoBo Terzanelle class has me ready to break a sweat. I'll be joining Bj for shots of bleach, no chaser.

 

[WickedEve]

Ange! You did another Amante! And it's a terzanelle.

 

[LeBroz]

You're my lover; you're the backdoor man.
Glue me to your mouth, tip tongue and sigh.
Then whispers, hot intention. I understand

Amante we are cheek to cheek to thigh
as night unfolds its stars and shivers us a breeze,
glue me to your mouth, tip tongue and sigh,

make me tremble, make me stutter, ease
open to pain, to moonlight's grand and wild purity
as night unfolds its stars and shivers us a breeze

I arch back to your chest Amante, no antipathy
mi dueño, always I surrender to your heart,
open to pain, to moonlight's grand and wild purity.

There is no end to us, our circle where you start,
I complete in clench and cry till forest swallows us
mi dueño always I surrender to your heart

and sing our story to the trees. Silence follows us.
You're my lover; you're the backdoor man
I complete in clench and cry till forest swallows us
then whispers hot intention. I understand.

Good luck on the 30/30. The Eleanora Day Amante series is one of my favorites and I'm so glad to see a new one in the series.

.
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[Angeline]

Ange! You did another Amante! And it's a terzanelle.

Good luck on the 30/30. The Eleanora Day Amante series is one of my favorites and I'm so glad to see a new one in the series.

.
.

Thank you both! I'm going to try to write some more for the Amante series in this run. I'd love to get it up to around twenty or so poems.