a companion to 30 in 30

[PandoraGlitters]

Gorgeous, Step:

complaining about unused snow “going to waste”: there's
a snowman in our garden who could use
some of that. We chat.

Perhaps this is a final glimpse snatched of the little,
little boy. The Snow Day has blown open a closing
door, and I am grateful. Let me watch.
Let me look at him one more time like this,
as I always thought he would remain.

I love your writing.

 

[Angeline]

Quotation #1
Write a poem that includes the phrase "perfectly motionless, perfectly behaved".

Only when you are not watching, you suspect
her of moving, sleekly ninja, but it is not
nighttime castle walls. It is afternoon
and this is just a livingroom. She appears
not to notice. When you look directly
at her, she is perfectly motionless,
perfectly behaved. But blink and in that flicked
second she has moved closer. She becomes
inevitable. You calculate collision.

I love the poem, and I liked it even more after seeing the video you've linked which is hysterically funny.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I love the poem, and I liked it even more after seeing the video you've linked which is hysterically funny.

Thanks, Ange. (I saw the quote and it reminded me of something I saw on youtube. I'm glad I was able to find it again!)

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Such moving poetry you have been writing, Step. It is an honor to share the thread with you for this run. Makes having to start over again a much more pleasant prospect.

 

[Angeline]

Such moving poetry you have been writing, Step. It is an honor to share the thread with you for this run. Makes having to start over again a much more pleasant prospect.

All this sweet talk about poetry. Don't you realize this is a smut site? Does Step realize? If he reads the other threads and see what wanton poet chicks are here, will it scare him? Make him happy?

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Step another really powerful poem! And Ange, I don't think Step is so easily scared. After all, his first post was in the 30/30!

 

[Angeline]

Step another really powerful poem! And Ange, I don't think Step is so easily scared. After all, his first post was in the 30/30!

Step is cool. So is Dora.

 

[Tzara]

Step is cool. So is Dora.

Step is cool. Dora is hot.

This is more than a simple thermodynamic difference.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Thank you, Tzara. It is great to see you 'round these parts. Step is pretty awesome. It's been lovely to write with him. 4degrees has had a couple of good ones too! Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I had to start over.

 

[StepStransky]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has said such nice things about my poems And I'm very happy to be scribbling in the 30/30 alongside you, Pandora; you're pretty awesome yourself!

And I will try to up the smut content Angeline

 

[StepStransky]

Congrats 4degrees

 

[Angeline]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has said such nice things about my poems And I'm very happy to be scribbling in the 30/30 alongside you, Pandora; you're pretty awesome yourself!

And I will try to up the smut content Angeline

Smut or no, you're writing some lovely poetry Step. Really thought the shape poem worked well--it'd make a good illustrated piece. And the poem about the girl's last day at school is wonderful, really evocative.

Congrats 4degrees

Ditto this. Curt: 600 poems just in this thread!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Congratulations 4 degrees. You had some marvelous poems this time around. I am sure your muse is well-pleased.

 

[4degrees]

thanks for the props, you great poets! i think that's the right word, right:? i don't see it in my trusty roget....
mot actually 600 though, there were two rounds that i didn;t finish. but close. i post all my 30/30 poems on my silly blog, at manicpoet.blogspot.com so i don't have to sift through the whole thread here to find 'em. my muse is just happy it's over, i'm sure! keep writing em, dora and step...and ang, i love to see you in that thread, too.
you all inspire me so.
curt

 

[Angeline]

thanks for the props, you great poets! i think that's the right word, right:? i don't see it in my trusty roget....
mot actually 600 though, there were two rounds that i didn;t finish. but close. i post all my 30/30 poems on my silly blog, at manicpoet.blogspot.com so i don't have to sift through the whole thread here to find 'em. my muse is just happy it's over, i'm sure! keep writing em, dora and step...and ang, i love to see you in that thread, too.
you all inspire me so.
curt

You're pretty inspiring yourself, Curt. I read you as you start out on these 30 missions, watch you get rolling and produce some really wonderful poetry. Your determination is inspirational to everyone here.

 

[StepStransky]

Smut or no, you're writing some lovely poetry Step. Really thought the shape poem worked well--it'd make a good illustrated piece. And the poem about the girl's last day at school is wonderful, really evocative.

Ty Angeline. It's very kind of you to say.

 

[annaswirls]

another great run Curt!
You will be back after a break, right?

thanks for the props, you great poets! i think that's the right word, right:? i don't see it in my trusty roget....
mot actually 600 though, there were two rounds that i didn;t finish. but close. i post all my 30/30 poems on my silly blog, at manicpoet.blogspot.com so i don't have to sift through the whole thread here to find 'em. my muse is just happy it's over, i'm sure! keep writing em, dora and step...and ang, i love to see you in that thread, too.
you all inspire me so.
curt

 

[annaswirls]

Step- love the spinning penny analogy, have not seen that one before- cheers!

 

[4degrees]

another great run Curt!
You will be back after a break, right?

ah, of course gin. i gotta do it at least ten more times for a fer real 30/30

 

[Senna Jawa]

Step- love the spinning penny analogy, have not seen that one before- cheers!

But it has appeared perhaps in many poems, and certainly in several of mine.

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

StepStransky, 1-29

StepStransky, 1-29

How many times now have
we planned for x, only for y
in the end to happen? It is
ok, of course it is; that's how
things work with pegs and holes
and timezones, etc. But how
the body feels, logic cannot
regulate. I am the spinning
penny coming to the end of its
pirouette. What was once
something smooth and full and
graceful, is now just a flat thing
wobbling all over the place. I
don't want you to see my grubby
copper colours. I don't
especially want to see them
myself.​

Step,Stransky,
2009-03-01

***********

This is a well written poem, not a novice poem. I'd like it to be on a much higher artistic orbit though. Let me address some of its problems. The main, strategic issue is concerned with the substance. The poem has an image related to its metaphor (penny), but nothing individual on the ground level. A poem on a high orbit would have it the other way around. It would base it's metaphoric impact on the basic image grounded in reality. Such a ground level image is missing completely in the given poem. Every time a more specific issue is indicated, the poem leaves it just there; there is just a generic suggestion each time, and nothing more. This indicates some huge holes in its approach to poetry.

All local problems of the poem stem from this global lack of healthy artistic strategy. It's related to taste. Good taste would abhor and prevent generalities, it would force true images. Now let's get to the local shortcomings:

• The last sentence of the poem, in the context of the previous one, is plainly boring. It's beating a horse to death. The lack of freshness is amplified by a usage of one of those ubiquitous pronouns like "them" in the poem (ubiquitous in weak poems--now is the time, guys--all of you, to check your poems for pronouns, and to do something about them, and the quality of your poems will skyrocket). When you get such an uninteresting ending then your reaction should be to replace it with another and a fresh one (even before you show your piece to the world).
• The usage of x and y may seem to you--my Literoticians--clever, but here it is a sign of poetic impotence. Instead of x and y there should be specific instances, which would serve also as symbols for a general situation of this type, while they would have an artistic value all by itself in the first place. BTW, in Polish we have a saying: a man shoots but it is God who carries the bullet (in Polish it is much shorter: chlop strzela--Pan Bog kule/ nosi, where "chlop" is an old word, which means both a man and a peasant or farmer).
• The ever so important first phrase, here "How many times now have / we planned for..." (and even the first five and a half lines) is wordy-wordy-wordy--placebo kills poetry.
• This poem is written in the everyday language. There is a drastic misunderstanding about the artistic mean of "everyday language". It should NOT be everyday language! It should only pretend to be such. It still has to be poetry. "Everyday language" in poetry means perhaps unassuming, or imitating a certain society strata, etc, but still every word and phrase has to serve poetry--placebo kills poetry, and you better believe it. Yes, there is voice of the lyrical subject in "It is / ok, of course it is; that's how / things work with...". But c'mon, it's not poetry, it's a yawn, one needs to set the bar higher. When you read a poem then the poem should pay your mouth and your esthetic mind a lot, you don't want to move and move your jaws and tongue and get nothing. Once again observe poetic impotence, this time represented by word "things". A poet has to face such a challenge frontally, you cannot duck like a coward. You need to provide that one specific thing (or two) which will serve as a symbol of all of them--but you cannot replace it with "things", as in the poem.
• Next you have "something" and "thing" again, it's almost ironic.
• And avoid "its", when describing the same thing (here a penny) for the second time. Instead, take advantage of the repetition to provide another image yet.
• Let's go back one step. The whole phrase "But...regulate" leaves us with a poetically impotent phrase "how the body feels", without telling us how it actually feels. Sure, each of us is supposed to know. With this kind of logic we do not need poetry though.
• "grubby / copper colours" illustrates a wrong application of adjectives. Adjectives are ok when they carry data (description/information). But they are unpoetic when they force an author's opinion upon us, as in the given case. Indeed, there is nothing really "grubby" about the "copper colors". The "grubby" adjective refers not to the color of the (stained?) coin but to the inner state of the lyrical subject (read the phrase one more time: my grubby / copper colours). Thus despite seemingly real stuff, we have "tell" not "show" after all. Indeed, on the basic ground level of the poem we got nothing, we got only an opinion about grubbiness, which is not something that a reader can see.
• This poem is not integrated. We have ad hoc "pegs and holes", and even "timezones", hanging in an isolation, so that they stick out like a sore thumb. When a poet introduces an image, then it has to be done responsibly, with a commitment. It has to be organic.

Well, enough of my complaining. One may always try to contradict me by giving examples from literature to the contrary (yes, try to provide counter-examples! Just stating that "not always", and "there are cases", without examples, would not make such a discussion valuable). However, I am discussing this one specific poem, and not writing a huge treatise, which covers everything.

The poem is written skillfully but in the artistic sense not ambitiously at all.

Best regards,

Senna Jawa​

 

[annaswirls]

But it has appeared perhaps in many poems, and certainly in several of mine.

Regards,

well, here is a cookie for you too, big boy!

Guess this was the first time it resonated with me enough to leave an impression.

 

[Senna Jawa]

well, here is a cookie for you too, big boy!

Guess this was the first time it resonated with me enough to leave an impression.

I don't see any cookie yet. If you tell me that the given poem by StepS leaves on you a stronger impression than september then I will accept your statement as based on some material.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Step- love the spinning penny analogy, have not seen that one before- cheers!

Thus you may start an anthology of poems in which a spinning/tossed/flipped coin represents fate/life/person--a poem doesn't have to say explicitly "I am the spinning penny" to qualify (it better does not ). It may be a nice collection (I would contribute for instance an oldie *_*_* -- despite my Literotica archived version this poem doesn't have a title! Or certainly not the one in the archive!!!).

 

[annaswirls]

I don't see any cookie yet. If you tell me that the given poem by StepS leaves on you a stronger impression than september then I will accept your statement as based on some material.

That was a big smilie cookie. Kind of like TubbieToast

will come back for September tonight.