a companion to 30 in 30

[Angeline]

Just posting a little jazz for the other fans here. You know who you are.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Glad to see an upsurge in the "30 Edits in 30 Days" challenge. I still have too many samples of mediocrity in my inventory of Lit poems, so I'll probably do a second round, assuming that's OK.

I confess having a bias towards poems that are grounded in well known historical eras that form the background in the work. I particulary enjoyed "American Invasion 1945-1950" by Tess.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Glad to see an upsurge in the "30 Edits in 30 Days" challenge. I still have too many samples of mediocrity in my inventory of Lit poems, so I'll probably do a second round, assuming that's OK.

I confess having a bias towards poems that are grounded in well known historical eras that form the background in the work. I particulary enjoyed "American Invasion 1945-1950" by Tess.

GM, a couple of question about

The Robins at Dawn

The robins at dawn
sing their song,

a meadow full
of metronomes
there among the tufts.

Yet there are shadows
among the slugs

who haven't knowledge
nor can they care
about the monsters above.

I got lost on the last stanza. Are the shadows the robins about to eat the slugs or are the shadows over the robins. Who's lacking the knowledge and care, slugs or birds? Did you mean for it to be ambiguous?

 

[greenmountaineer]

GM, a couple of question about

The Robins at Dawn

The robins at dawn
sing their song,

a meadow full
of metronomes
there among the tufts.

Yet there are shadows
among the slugs

who haven't knowledge
nor can they care
about the monsters above.

I got lost on the last stanza. Are the shadows the robins about to eat the slugs or are the shadows over the robins. Who's lacking the knowledge and care, slugs or birds? Did you mean for it to be ambiguous?

The shadows are created by the tufts above slugs, which therefore was intended to suggest it is the slugs who have no knowledge or can care, the latter as much because it is the nature for slugs to move slow and thus are very exposed to the birds whose nature was presented differently in the first stanza.

As to ambiguity, your question raises for me the mantra "Show. Don't tell," a cardinal rule for many poets. I happen to have a bias a little more in favor of description over allusion, but that's my writing style.

Because the challenge rules allow further editing of an already edited poem, I'm going to give more thought to the questions you raise and may play with a further version. I'm not sure at this point.

Thanks for taking the time to post your comment.

 

[Trixareforkids]

The shadows are created by the tufts above slugs, which therefore was intended to suggest it is the slugs who have no knowledge or can care, the latter as much because it is the nature for slugs to move slow and thus are very exposed to the birds whose nature was presented differently in the first stanza.

As to ambiguity, your question raises for me the mantra "Show. Don't tell," a cardinal rule for many poets. I happen to have a bias a little more in favor of description over allusion, but that's my writing style.

Because the challenge rules allow further editing of an already edited poem, I'm going to give more thought to the questions you raise and may play with a further version. I'm not sure at this point.

Thanks for taking the time to post your comment.

And thank you for for answerin. I'm still learning and these exchanges are helpful. I like the feel of the after better even though it lost me at the end.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Angie,

I liked what is now "Stretch" in the Before version, but I like the second one even better. Here's my not so obvious reason. I think poetry is a visual as well as an oral art form. That you segmented paragraphs differently and italicized one line gave a subliminal "nudge" to come up with clearer images, at least in my mind.

I also liked the way you "fractured the syntax, replacing "was" for "were." Now I've been taken to task for pouring it on a bit too much, deservedly so, for using an inner city ghetto monologue in one of my poems. In this it could be either a black woman or that working class "Joisy girl" you and I both remember. You can "stretch" that in either direction (pun intended)

That's just good writing.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Angie,

I liked what is now "Stretch" in the Before version, but I like the second one even better. Here's my not so obvious reason. I think poetry is a visual as well as an oral art form. That you segmented paragraphs differently and italicized one line gave a subliminal "nudge" to come up with clearer images, at least in my mind.

I also liked the way you "fractured the syntax, replacing "was" for "were." Now I've been taken to task for pouring it on a bit too much, deservedly so, for using an inner city ghetto monologue in one of my poems. In this it could be either a black woman or that working class "Joisy girl" you and I both remember. You can "stretch" that in either direction (pun intended)

That's just good writing.

I agree completely, except for one thing. Having lived in both the inner city up north and down south, and having "country" family, I visualize a small country town, a little white trash-ish rather than a black or urban setting. Makes me realize how much our own experiences color our perceptions.

 

[Angeline]

Angie,

I liked what is now "Stretch" in the Before version, but I like the second one even better. Here's my not so obvious reason. I think poetry is a visual as well as an oral art form. That you segmented paragraphs differently and italicized one line gave a subliminal "nudge" to come up with clearer images, at least in my mind.

I also liked the way you "fractured the syntax, replacing "was" for "were." Now I've been taken to task for pouring it on a bit too much, deservedly so, for using an inner city ghetto monologue in one of my poems. In this it could be either a black woman or that working class "Joisy girl" you and I both remember. You can "stretch" that in either direction (pun intended)

That's just good writing.

I agree completely, except for one thing. Having lived in both the inner city up north and down south, and having "country" family, I visualize a small country town, a little white trash-ish rather than a black or urban setting. Makes me realize how much our own experiences color our perceptions.

Thank you both. I feel in very good company in the thread, lots of wonderful writing going on there. GM, I love your spare and lyrical robin poem. And reading Ms. Tristesse is always a pleasure.

Trix, you bring up an interesting point. Our experiences do color our interpretations and that, to my thinking, is a good thing. I've come to understand that readers do not necessarily see the same things in poems, but as long as they see something--as long as the poem evokes image and story for the reader--the poem is on the right track.

And now I gotta figure out what the hell I'm editing today. The spirit is not yet moving me.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Angeline,

I quite liked "At Colleville-Sur-Mer". Dramatic without theatrics. Clean, with a heartfelt aura. If you submit it it will be among my favorites.

 

[Angeline]

Angeline,

I quite liked "At Colleville-Sur-Mer". Dramatic without theatrics. Clean, with a heartfelt aura. If you submit it it will be among my favorites.

Thanks. It felt like a conversation with my dad as I was writing it. I'm not sure about that last line. I think the poem might be better without it but to lose it would change the meaning for me. Lol it may show up as another edit later this month.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Your 1-3 in the other 30-30 is really well written, Trix. I enjoyed it very much. The title also was a great entreé and an example how a cliché can be stretched to where it makes the poem better.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Your 1-3 in the other 30-30 is really well written, Trix. I enjoyed it very much. The title also was a great entreé and an example how a cliché can be stretched to where it makes the poem better.

Thank you GM. Having uttered it rather unartfully all those years ago I wanted to play with it now. See if I could make the retelling artful.

 

[Remec]

Moved message

(Didn't the 30/30 Edits thread have its own Companion? Oh well...I've been a little out of whack the last couple of weeks, maybe I imagined it. *g*)

So, anyway, Angeline...I wanted to say how much I liked what you've done with this.

To my ears, the changes in word choice, punctuation, and--to a lesser extent--simple phrasing has lent the entire piece a stronger sense of musicality and rhythm that brings out that smoky jazz club vibe and enhances each portion of the ghazal as a whole.

 

[Angeline]

(Didn't the 30/30 Edits thread have its own Companion? Oh well...I've been a little out of whack the last couple of weeks, maybe I imagined it. *g*)

So, anyway, Angeline...I wanted to say how much I liked what you've done with this.

To my ears, the changes in word choice, punctuation, and--to a lesser extent--simple phrasing has lent the entire piece a stronger sense of musicality and rhythm that brings out that smoky jazz club vibe and enhances each portion of the ghazal as a whole.

Thanks Mr. R.

This thread is forcing me to work on older poems. I'm a terrible procrastinator so the onus of having to do it daily is definitely helping. So far.

 

[greenmountaineer]

(Didn't the 30/30 Edits thread have its own Companion? Oh well...I've been a little out of whack the last couple of weeks, maybe I imagined it. *g*)

So, anyway, Angeline...I wanted to say how much I liked what you've done with this.

To my ears, the changes in word choice, punctuation, and--to a lesser extent--simple phrasing has lent the entire piece a stronger sense of musicality and rhythm that brings out that smoky jazz club vibe and enhances each portion of the ghazal as a whole.

I agree. Angie's ghazal was probably one of the best examples of form enhancing content I've seen in a while.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Although I don't comment on every poem, I do like reading the differences, sometimes subtle, between the before and after versions in the 30 Edits in 30 Days Challenge.

 

[Angeline]

Although I don't comment on every poem, I do like reading the differences, sometimes subtle, between the before and after versions in the 30 Edits in 30 Days Challenge.

I do, too. I need to find some time to comment more. There is a lot of good writing happening here from a whole bunch of people. It's always great to see the forum move in different directions. It's inspiring.

I am in awe of much of what you've put in the edit thread, GM. I mean I was always in the fan club lol, but I am really enjoying reading your revisions.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I do, too. I need to find some time to comment more. There is a lot of good writing happening here from a whole bunch of people. It's always great to see the forum move in different directions. It's inspiring.

I am in awe of much of what you've put in the edit thread, GM. I mean I was always in the fan club lol, but I am really enjoying reading your revisions.

Thanks. I really liked Origami, BTW but I was wondering about the last line. It felt to me that the woman through her new self-awareness was about to "take off" so to speak, but the last line brought my attention back to the man for some reason.

Of course, I may be reading more into it than you intended.

I did like the way you shaped the language around him differently in the after version.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks. I really liked Origami, BTW but I was wondering about the last line. It felt to me that the woman through her new self-awareness was about to "take off" so to speak, but the last line brought my attention back to the man for some reason.

Of course, I may be reading more into it than you intended.

I did like the way you shaped the language around him differently in the after version.

Thank you. Y'know I changed the tense in that last line from "was" to "am." Maybe that confuses things a bit since the rest of the poem is past tense. Thank you for noting it. I find that a day or so after the latest revision, I usually see a few more things I want to fix.

Your poem "The House Fly" made me connect to the Dickenson poem you posted in the favorites thread--and maybe William Blake's poem, too.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Angeline, I love your Berry Special. I read it and found it erotic then I read the original and had to read both again. It's amazing to me that you managed to change it, removing the inference to a woman and somehow made it more erotic. Nice, very nice.

 

[todski28]

Angeline, I love your Berry Special. I read it and found it erotic then I read the original and had to read both again. It's amazing to me that you managed to change it, removing the inference to a woman and somehow made it more erotic. Nice, very nice.

Hmmm echoes my sentiments, that picture is delicious and your words Angeline, hot.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Hmmm echoes my sentiments, that picture is delicious and your words Angeline, hot.

Angeline, I love your Berry Special. I read it and found it erotic then I read the original and had to read both again. It's amazing to me that you managed to change it, removing the inference to a woman and somehow made it more erotic. Nice, very nice.

I agree. "all pure poetry" took on new meaning in the after version compared to the multiple poetic references in the before version, a wonderful display of skill.

 

[Angeline]

GM I have liked those sin eaters since first I saw them, but the poem really does keep getting better. I love how you are weaving in a conversational tone with "assisted with living" followed by forgetting the name. To me, it lends an irony to the poem that works so well.

And thanks folks for the feedback on Berry Special. It and today's poem are both rewrites of old poems (circa 2002, 2003?). I feel like my writing has gone through so many changes since then.

 

[HarryHill]

Angeline, I love your Berry Special. I read it and found it erotic then I read the original and had to read both again. It's amazing to me that you managed to change it, removing the inference to a woman and somehow made it more erotic. Nice, very nice.

Hmmm echoes my sentiments, that picture is delicious and your words Angeline, hot.

I agree. "all pure poetry" took on new meaning in the after version compared to the multiple poetic references in the before version, a wonderful display of skill.

GM I have liked those sin eaters since first I saw them, but the poem really does keep getting better. I love how you are weaving in a conversational tone with "assisted with living" followed by forgetting the name. To me, it lends an irony to the poem that works so well.

And thanks folks for the feedback on Berry Special. It and today's poem are both rewrites of old poems (circa 2002, 2003?). I feel like my writing has gone through so many changes since then.

..
a salute to the poets in 30 edits you guys are Burning Down the House

 

[greenmountaineer]

End of the line for me for now. It's been enjoyable.