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todski28 said:
Nice metaphor, you should try this poetry stuff :D

I didn't know if I should add things or if it's complete was gonna re-visit in a few days and see if its still working, it was based on the first house I brought when I was 20 but I was trying to make it more expansive something similar to the way Desejo's snowblind reads, thanks for the comment HH, it helps.
Click to expand...

cant find snowblind in her subs
 
HarryHill said:
context, I see it as a loss of a loved one, powerful no doubt.
Click to expand...


Context does shroud a lot of poetry as well as our own experiences, but a lot of the stuff I read that I feel is exceptional has deeper meaning than story lineation,


I saw the same with the loss of a loved one in snow blind, but if you look at it as an expanded metaphor the loss is so poignant it can be used as the loss of anything that has deep emotional connectivity, a limb, a relationship, a mind, it us really exceptional ,

A similar thing happens when you look at your own piece alternate libation,
 
todski28 said:
Context does shroud a lot of poetry as well as our own experiences, but a lot of the stuff I read that I feel is exceptional has deeper meaning than story lineation,


I saw the same with the loss of a loved one in snow blind, but if you look at it as an expanded metaphor the loss is so poignant it can be used as the loss of anything that has deep emotional connectivity, a limb, a relationship, a mind, it us really exceptional ,

A similar thing happens when you look at your own piece alternate libation,
Click to expand...

Someone is under snow (a blanket too heavy to move, his forehead is cold). Dogs will find and uncover him, only too late. The first stanza is someone (a mother?) praying that the accident (an avalanche?) didn't catch this person, but it did. The hot chocolate is going cold. When she finally comes to him, he smells of pines.

...that's what I got from it.
 
Tsotha said:
Someone is under snow (a blanket too heavy to move, his forehead is cold). Dogs will find and uncover him, only too late. The first stanza is someone (a mother?) praying that the accident (an avalanche?) didn't catch this person, but it did. The hot chocolate is going cold. When she finally comes to him, he smells of pines.

...that's what I got from it.
Click to expand...

Which follows the story line presented, I'm talking about the attempts to make it connective to the "loss" or emotional connection.
 
Tsotha said:
Yeah, well. I'm pretty stupid today.
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I doubt that. Let me try to clarify a little

I have never seen snow, so it is hard for me to respond physically to the story line presented, but I have lost people, or things that hurt so deep that it takes your breath, so I connect to the "loss" as opposed to the actual story line.
 
todski28 said:
I doubt that. Let me try to clarify a little

I have never seen snow, so it is hard for me to respond physically to the story line presented, but I have lost people, or things that hurt so deep that it takes your breath, so I connect to the "loss" as opposed to the actual story line.
Click to expand...

I see. I understand, now. Thank you for the clarification.
 
todski28 said:
Context does shroud a lot of poetry as well as our own experiences, but a lot of the stuff I read that I feel is exceptional has deeper meaning than story lineation,


I saw the same with the loss of a loved one in snow blind, but if you look at it as an expanded metaphor the loss is so poignant it can be used as the loss of anything that has deep emotional connectivity, a limb, a relationship, a mind, it us really exceptional ,

A similar thing happens when you look at your own piece alternate libation,
Click to expand...
Mein Gott, how long you been at this?
I'm not saying I agree here, but I'm impressed. But caution about reading too much into things - Stanley Fish experiment.
And hold my vicious tongue about connect the dots.
 
twelveoone said:
Mein Gott, how long you been at this?
I'm not saying I agree here, but I'm impressed. But caution about reading too much into things - Stanley Fish experiment.
And hold my vicious tongue about connect the dots.
Click to expand...

Less than two years.

As to meaning we see what we see :)
 
Hmmmmmm apparently I have a lot of attempts at erotic writing........
 
Last edited:
GM, your sophmore poem is excellent. Really strong, evocative writing. The poem almost feels sticky lol. And smoky. One nitpick: did you mean "choke on cigarettes"?

What a great run you've had in the thread. :rose:
 
Angeline said:
GM, your sophmore poem is excellent. Really strong, evocative writing. The poem almost feels sticky lol. And smoky. One nitpick: did you mean "choke on cigarettes"?

What a great run you've had in the thread. :rose:
Click to expand...

Thanks. I was actually trying to stretch "choking" to include "lies." I might have to re-think that.

I know others may not think the same way, but I see editing is the key to turning a poem, good or bad, into something better, and that's a continuous process.
 
Tristesse2 said:
From Five Senses thread

Before

Absence

After the oatmeal, still warm
in his belly, he shrugged into
his greasy sheepskin coat
and bent into the wind.

Off the road, his footfall softened
by peat moss and heather, he
quickened his pace, needing
to breath hard, clear his head
after a night of misleading dreams.

There had been no warning, no thunder-
clouds on their sunny horizon,
just a sudden absence when he
returned to an empty house, and
the note. She even took
the dogs.

After

Absence

After the oatmeal, still warm
in his belly, he shrugs into
his comforting sheepskin coat
and bends into the chill wind.

Off road, his footfall softens
on peat moss and heather, he
quickens his pace, needing
to breath hard, clear his head
after a night of deluding dreams.

There was no warning, no thunder-
clouds on their sunny horizon,
just a sudden absence when he
returned to an empty house, and
the note.
She even took the dogs.
Click to expand...

I quite like this, the after flows much better. One tiny nitpick... Breathe (ya forgot your E).
 
Put Yer Comments Here

bumped with a reminder that the 30 Poems in 30 Days and 30 Edits in 30 Days threads are for poems only. If you have comments on poems you see there, put them in this thread, Thanks. :)
 
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