Acceptable punishments

[FurryFury]

Public stuff and being tied up and left are on my hard limits list. Wow.

 

[Curious_L]

I was told to write out each punishment on a card, numbering them from 1 to 20 and I carry them with me at all times. Some can only be administered in private and they are on white paper. Public ones are on pink. The top 3 most severe are on blue.

I hope this helps you. Good luck.

Thanks! That sounds like a very good idea. It'll take me a while to smooth out a list to give to my Master, but now that I have a clearer idea of how it can be applied it will be much easier.

 

[serijules]

When I'm really scared and/or pissed off about behavior one of the worst things I do is assign sentences. As in, "Write, I will not lie, hide food in my room, hide homework in my desk 100 times."

*nods*

Lines are actually a very effective punishment for me, as I absolutely hate hate hate to write with a pen/pencil. I have terrible handwriting which really bothers me, and it just hurts my hand a lot to write for some reason. So having to write a couple hundred lines works quite well and really beats a message into my brain.

Even worse is having to write them with an uncomfortable plug in, or sitting on a coconut mat. Ouchie!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I also am not one who on the surface sees a lot of worth in sending a submissive in search of punishment ideas, but I also realise for the clever PYL it is less about simply asking the submissive (or others) to come up with ideas and more about seeing just how the submissive works. For example, for such a PYL, a submissive who comes back with something fairly lame or more fitted to their liking would clearly be demonstrating a disregard for the concept of real punishment, perhaps a lack of commitment and/or interest, perhaps verifying they think the PYL less than worthy and/or demonstrating disrespect...OTOH, a pyl who comes up with a punishment the PYL knows they will honestly hate or find difficult would be demonstrating a commitment to the purpose of the punishment, respect for the intelligence and dominance of the PYL, and an honesty in doing what was asked without giving thought to hoodwinking or dodging the punishment in real terms. Unfortunately, I get the feeling most who send pyl's to find a suitable punishment are doing it as a means to avoid doing too much thinking themselves, but perhaps I am off the mark and there are a lot more thinking PYL's out there than appear to be.

Catalina

: chuckles nods : Amen. Though just sometimes there is something inherently delicious in the 'lazy Dom'.

 

[midwestyankee]

Lines are actually a very effective punishment for me, as I absolutely hate hate hate to write with a pen/pencil. I have terrible handwriting which really bothers me, and it just hurts my hand a lot to write for some reason. So having to write a couple hundred lines works quite well and really beats a message into my brain.

Even worse is having to write them with an uncomfortable plug in, or sitting on a coconut mat. Ouchie!

Or making sure that every single letter is picture perfect?

 

[midwestyankee]

: chuckles nods : Amen. Though just sometimes there is something inherently delicious in the 'lazy Dom'.

Lazy is in the eye of the beholden.

 

[serijules]

Or making sure that every single letter is picture perfect?

Good god, I'd still be writing if that were the case! No matter how hard I try, my handwriting just plain sucks.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Lazy is in the eye of the beholden.

Exactly and I didn't mean lazy in the biblical sense. I meant temporarily, purposefully and artfully applied lazy, to rub a little salt in the messing with your head sense .

You don't want to know :chuckles :

 

[FurryFury]

This strikes me (pardon the pun) as very "Go out into the back yard and pick out a switch." Yanno? There is a certain delicious dynamic in that. Also it challenges the pyl to be "honest" and tough on themselves.

 

[alexanna]

Well, punishment is not a part of any relationship I've ever been in or will ever be in, but I think serijules is right. I'm a masochist. It's still not THAT hard to push me past my painslut happy place and into "OMFG, you bastard, STOP!!!!!!" Of course, it takes a real sadist, and many who say they are, aren't. *Sigh* I suppose that's another thread, though.

i have actually been thinking about this lately because i really only get the level of pain that i know i need when i am being punished or my husband is still angry\irritated with me on some level for something i have done.

i think i am a masochist on some level. i do enjoy pain but i do not orgasm from it and do not need it to orgasm. Often while the pain is happening i want it to stop but then I am dissappointed as soon as it does. This can make it difficult for us because i yell and squirm and carry on during the beating which if he is happy with me makes him more lenient and he stops too early.

What i crave the most is a sore ass the next day. Sitting on a sore ass is the most delicious pain to me. i feel loved, safe, and secure when i can feel the evidence of the previous day's activities. i smile about it all day and am generally at my most affectionate when i am sore.

So for me pain kind of works on some level but also doesn't if that is the only time i am getting enough. In fact i can take much much more without all the sqirming and carrying on if i am being punished. i want it then as a way to feel cleansed and even more so because it makes him feel better to hurt me if i have hurt him.

His disappointment and pain is the worst punishment. There just isn't anything else that compares.

 

[YourCaptor]

I like to get creative with punishment, but have a few limits when it comes to picking something, serious injury, breaking trust, abandonment, or the threat of any of those are things I will never make part of a punishment.

On another note, its also important to reward too, at least it is to me.

 

[minx1]

I like to get creative with punishment, but have a few limits when it comes to picking something, serious injury, breaking trust, abandonment, or the threat of any of those are things I will never make part of a punishment.

On another note, its also important to reward too, at least it is to me.

see.......you're not allbad *giggles*

 

[EmpressFi]

This strikes me (pardon the pun) as very "Go out into the back yard and pick out a switch." Yanno? There is a certain delicious dynamic in that. Also it challenges the pyl to be "honest" and tough on themselves.

ROFL not to hijack but that just brought back one of my favorite.. yes.... favorite memories of my dad. I dont honestly remember getting the spanking (him saying he was disappointed in me was usually enough) but I do remember once being told to get my own switch. I came back in with the driest, most brittle stick I could find, figuring, it would break on the first hit and we'd be done. My dad looked at it, fought a grin and went out and cut the greenist branch off the tree.

Like I said, I dont remember being spanked... but I remember being a smartass.. (btw.. I was probably 3 or 4 years old)

 

[snowbyte]

Hiya, everybody. Curious_L is mine, btw. Interesting thread. Let's see if I can add something useful to the discussion.

1) I'm a bit old-school. I started learning about the Lifestyle on a.s.b back in the days before AOL (The Endless September) and spam, so I may have a slightly different take on things than some of you here.

2) L didn't tell me ahead of time that she would be coming here for info, but I don't mind. She is continually learning, and the internetz are a good resource for her. (She told me earlier today, so I popped out here for a look around.)

3) When we first got together, I had her draw up a rough contract. I wanted her to _think_ about what she wanted from all of this. She had to go online and do research about how contracts are setup and then consciously decide what she wanted to whitelist and blacklist, how much of a commitment in time she could make, safewords, etc... I made edits, naturally, and it did help to make her feel comfortable and secure (I hope) with what was to come and reassure her that I actually had a clue.

4) The reason this "search for punishment ideas" came about is that she made what I consider a dangerous mistake. We got into a situation where she forgot to use her safeword or tap out when she should have. She was afraid of what _might_ happen next and freaked, so I stopped things myself. I'm yet not sure completely sure why it happened; we still need to talk it over in some depth. Maybe it was a momentary lapse in trust, or maybe she was just overwhelmed. We discussed it some at the time, enough that we were both OK when we separated later that night.

5) Her "Pending Spank Bank" is over 100 at the moment, so I told her to write down on a slip of paper what she thinks an appropriate punishment other than spanking would be. I've had her do this once before when she forgot to wear her collar and she chose what I considered an appropriate punishment at the time.

6) I could have very easily chosen something suitable this time, but I want her to learn something more from this. I want her to consider the severity of what happened. She knows that if she doesn't select something appropriate, I will and I'll add to it because she didn't choose wisely in the first place.

7) We will likely end up tuning our rules regarding safewords as a result of this.

8) As a side note, she _forgot_ that she owed me that slip of paper until I asked where it was yesterday. I'll deal with that transgression separately


tl;dr Thanks for the advice.

 

[twysted73]

When he said, "Spank Bank", did anyone else think of donating sperm? No? Just me AGAIN?




.......damnit


But then again.....it's an interesting idea. I mean, if you have this happy, plumped and rosey-cheeked piggy with those glassy painted eyes that continuously look to the side like a qupie doll.......and it's just sitting there....smiling.

But you know that inside of it are all the slips of paper holding your past 2 weeks of transgressions...that cute, lil' piggy would take on a most sinister, clown-like horror, wouldn't it? Mainly because, well, it's so damn cute but inside of it lies impending scaryness. Much like a serial killer or a catholic priest.

You know what......
I'm stealing this idea. No permission needed. I want it. And tomorrow.....I begin my quest....for a piggy bank of afformentioned proportions. Prefferably with a creamy porceline exterior.

And I'll put it out in the open where everyone will think it's just my eccentricity.
But, eventually, there will be one person other then me who knows and feels the power of the piggy.

No spank bank here. No...it's simply "The Piggy"

 

[YourCaptor]

see.......you're not allbad *giggles*

I’m not bad… what made you think that?

I’m a nice guy, you should know this.

When he said, "Spank Bank", did anyone else think of donating sperm? No? Just me AGAIN?




.......damnit


But then again.....it's an interesting idea. I mean, if you have this happy, plumped and rosey-cheeked piggy with those glassy painted eyes that continuously look to the side like a qupie doll.......and it's just sitting there....smiling.

But you know that inside of it are all the slips of paper holding your past 2 weeks of transgressions...that cute, lil' piggy would take on a most sinister, clown-like horror, wouldn't it? Mainly because, well, it's so damn cute but inside of it lies impending scaryness. Much like a serial killer or a catholic priest.

You know what......
I'm stealing this idea. No permission needed. I want it. And tomorrow.....I begin my quest....for a piggy bank of afformentioned proportions. Prefferably with a creamy porceline exterior.

And I'll put it out in the open where everyone will think it's just my eccentricity.
But, eventually, there will be one person other then me who knows and feels the power of the piggy.

No spank bank here. No...it's simply "The Piggy"

I thought a spank bank was a certain amount of spanks for a period of time, they will be use up either as good spanks, or bad punishment spanks. The more bad spanks they get the less good ones are left in the bank.

 

[Netzach]

Hiya, everybody. Curious_L is mine, btw. Interesting thread. Let's see if I can add something useful to the discussion.

1) I'm a bit old-school. I started learning about the Lifestyle on a.s.b back in the days before AOL (The Endless September) and spam, so I may have a slightly different take on things than some of you here.

2) L didn't tell me ahead of time that she would be coming here for info, but I don't mind. She is continually learning, and the internetz are a good resource for her. (She told me earlier today, so I popped out here for a look around.)

3) When we first got together, I had her draw up a rough contract. I wanted her to _think_ about what she wanted from all of this. She had to go online and do research about how contracts are setup and then consciously decide what she wanted to whitelist and blacklist, how much of a commitment in time she could make, safewords, etc... I made edits, naturally, and it did help to make her feel comfortable and secure (I hope) with what was to come and reassure her that I actually had a clue.

4) The reason this "search for punishment ideas" came about is that she made what I consider a dangerous mistake. We got into a situation where she forgot to use her safeword or tap out when she should have. She was afraid of what _might_ happen next and freaked, so I stopped things myself. I'm yet not sure completely sure why it happened; we still need to talk it over in some depth. Maybe it was a momentary lapse in trust, or maybe she was just overwhelmed. We discussed it some at the time, enough that we were both OK when we separated later that night.

5) Her "Pending Spank Bank" is over 100 at the moment, so I told her to write down on a slip of paper what she thinks an appropriate punishment other than spanking would be. I've had her do this once before when she forgot to wear her collar and she chose what I considered an appropriate punishment at the time.

6) I could have very easily chosen something suitable this time, but I want her to learn something more from this. I want her to consider the severity of what happened. She knows that if she doesn't select something appropriate, I will and I'll add to it because she didn't choose wisely in the first place.

7) We will likely end up tuning our rules regarding safewords as a result of this.

8) As a side note, she _forgot_ that she owed me that slip of paper until I asked where it was yesterday. I'll deal with that transgression separately


tl;dr Thanks for the advice.

I'm not so much old school as an SM luddite. a.s.b? I dunno, I learned my crap from people and a few books they had me read as supplementary materials, even if this was a decade ago.

I don't think she made a mistake so much as a "shit happens" moment happened, wherein you just learned the limitations of safewords and so you had to turn on your brain and do some decision making based on your bottom's actual needs. Decision making which may have cost you a boner, and it's a bummer, I've been there myself, but prevented a big giant mess no one wants to have to go in and clean instead. How exactly is that her lapse? How exactly is punishment going to make her feel *more* relaxed about in-session communication via safeword?

I mean maybe it will, I'm sure there are people who are like that. I just know that if my husband's reaction is an honestly fear-based mistake, there's no better assurance that he's going to wind up repeating it, than going into negative reinforcer mode.

I mean I get that you're reinforcing the idea that "not telling me was wrong" but to me it's more an issue of breaking down the fear and barrier to not telling, which probably isn't going to be lessened with negative reinforcement. Call me crazy.

But hey, she's your bottom, and it's none of my biz.

 

[twysted73]

Call me crazy.
.

*coughsCRAZYcoughs*

 

[snowbyte]

I don't think she made a mistake so much as a "shit happens" moment happened, wherein you just learned the limitations of safewords and so you had to turn on your brain and do some decision making based on your bottom's actual needs.

My brain was on and I handled this situation appropriately. No buzz-kill.

Decision making which may have cost you a boner, and it's a bummer, I've been there myself, but prevented a big giant mess no one wants to have to go in and clean instead. How exactly is that her lapse?

She has never had the need to use a safeword in a situation like this. This is an opportunity for her to think about it and learn.

How exactly is punishment going to make her feel *more* relaxed about in-session communication via safeword?

The punishment in this situation is irrelevant except that it forces her to think about what happened. I want her to realize that safewords are necessary at times. There may come a time when we are not together or I may allow her to sub to someone else. She needs to know how to respond with a safeword instead of panic when things get uncomfortable or out of hand when she's not with someone that can read her as well as I can.

I used to be of the school of thought that anytime a sub uses a safeword it's my fault because I wasn't paying attention, etc... After this incident, I'm going to have to reconsider. I'll have to put her in a similar situation to reassure us both that she can, in fact, tap out when necessary. If you don't test your security systems, you don't really know that they do function correctly. Not testing actually makes things worse because you are operating under the illusion that everything is working fine.

 

[DeservingBitch]

She has never had the need to use a safeword in a situation like this. This is an opportunity for her to think about it and learn.

The punishment in this situation is irrelevant except that it forces her to think about what happened. I want her to realize that safewords are necessary at times. There may come a time when we are not together or I may allow her to sub to someone else. She needs to know how to respond with a safeword instead of panic when things get uncomfortable or out of hand when she's not with someone that can read her as well as I can.

I used to be of the school of thought that anytime a sub uses a safeword it's my fault because I wasn't paying attention, etc... After this incident, I'm going to have to reconsider. I'll have to put her in a similar situation to reassure us both that she can, in fact, tap out when necessary. If you don't test your security systems, you don't really know that they do function correctly. Not testing actually makes things worse because you are operating under the illusion that everything is working fine.

So, your 'security system' as you call it failed. And instead of rethinking it and maybe acknowledging the limits of safewording, you're going to punish your bottom for the limits of your 'security system'?

How exaclty is that supposed to help?

And on another note, what is so wrong with plain english and body language communication? Is it just me or your bottom going into panic mode is a pretty damn good sign that something is going wrong, safeword or not? Since when did safewords take over Tops' responsibility to pay careful attention to their bottoms?

 

[Stegral]

Drags thread back to the OP....

I am about to do my first "scene" & have negotiated & talked & researched.
Since my subbie enjoys pain & humiliation (surprise, suprise..) these would NOT be appropriate punishments IMHO....
I am NOT a pain giver anyway as I am a "softie" as my kinky friends like to tease me about being.
I do LOVE these two *snips* from within the thread.... :

This always baffles me.
I love pain. I get off on it, in face, I have a hard time having an orgasm without some sort of pain present. I do consider myself a masochist for these reasons.
However, I get spanked for punishments and let me tell you, I don't enjoy this. Pain as a result of disappointment is light years away from pain for pleasure. When Ma'am is upset enough with me to punish me for something, my love of pain plummets and becomes non-existent. Erotic pain is enjoyable because it is given in an erotic, albeit painful, setting. A punishment has no erotic elements to it, and thus is not enjoyable, no matter how high my pain tolerance is or how much I normally love the implement being used.

I asked my subbie in question as he enjoys pain/humiliation/orgasm denial what he would consider punishment then. I am not lazy but sometimes I need a jump start to get my mind going in the right direction. he told me removal of my company, being ignored, not allowed to service me (being parked) would hurt the worst.
Considering we are not entering into a 24/7 & our time is severly limited I wanted a punishment that he would remember past our parting, something to dwell on/remind him at odd times. I asked how he would feel if he knew planting a cane across his ass tore me apart inside, would he still enjoy it? his face got all deep in thought & a very shaken "no, it wouldn't be pleasurable at all then M'Lady" was his answer. This is the implement of punishment that is now chosen as the worst punishment, I will be using the park & ignore before I pick up that cane. I think I worded it as *if I have to cane you I have obviously failed to instruct/train you properly & it will be as much a reminder of my own failure as yours* considering he only wishes to please/serve I felt worded like this drove it home.

Guess it depends who is delivering it and who is receiving it. As a masochist, I can honestly say I have received physical punishment including spankings which were far from enjoyable or a reward.

Catalina

I think this could work as well for a subbie that is extremely loyal/dedicated.
Think of being handed over to another Dominant to be punished?
even worse if your Dominant was out of sight for the punishment?
IMHO it screams to my subbie side that I did something below my Dominants level of punishment & they were so disgusted with me they had to hand me off & didn't even care to watch/keep me safe.
Man oh Man I would be sure to freaking remember WTF I did & never do it again..
(but some like being handed off & we are all unique)

Awesome advice in here from everyone...

take some from here, some from there, a bit of this & that & make your own mix

 

[BiBunny]

So, your 'security system' as you call it failed. And instead of rethinking it and maybe acknowledging the limits of safewording, you're going to punish your bottom for the limits of your 'security system'?

How exaclty is that supposed to help?

And on another note, what is so wrong with plain english and body language communication? Is it just me or your bottom going into panic mode is a pretty damn good sign that something is going wrong, safeword or not? Since when did safewords take over Tops' responsibility to pay careful attention to their bottoms?

Well, we've already been over Bunny's feelings about punishment, but I'd break somebody's goddamned neck if THEY screwed up, and I got "punished" for it.

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

This is also a reason that I say most good Dom/mes have spent time on the bottom. Yes, goddammit, there is, in fact, a place you can hit in your mind where you're not capable of using a safeword, whether you believe it or not. I'm pretty notorious for it, actually, for going from 0 to "OMG, make it stop!" in 2.5 seconds. It's why I won't play with people who say they'll only stop if I safeword.

And, seriously, what the hell is wrong with plain English? It's also really not that hard to read body language if somebody's unable to speak. If I say, "No more," then I mean FUCKING STOP. I don't know why people have to make this shit harder than it really is.

But, yeah, I don't think punishing someone for your fuck-ups is going to increase the amount of trust they have in you. But what do I know, right?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think this could work as well for a subbie that is extremely loyal/dedicated.
Think of being handed over to another Dominant to be punished?
even worse if your Dominant was out of sight for the punishment?
IMHO it screams to my subbie side that I did something below my Dominants level of punishment & they were so disgusted with me they had to hand me off & didn't even care to watch/keep me safe.
Man oh Man I would be sure to freaking remember WTF I did & never do it again..
(but some like being handed off & we are all unique)

Awesome advice in here from everyone...

take some from here, some from there, a bit of this & that & make your own mix

LOL, this reminded me of this clip I posted elsewhere earlier in the week. Hope you enjoy.

Catalina

 

[Curious_L]

I don't think she made a mistake so much as a "shit happens" moment happened, wherein you just learned the limitations of safewords.

My mistake, as I understand it, is not communicating my misgivings/eventual fear. I just went straight to panic. I thought I could push it to the back of my mind and press on, so it had the chance to build past what I can handle. I should have cried 'yellow', or at least tapped out earlier. Then I would have been able to explain myself.

what is so wrong with plain english and body language communication?

There is, in fact, a place you can hit in your mind where you're not capable of using a safeword, whether you believe it or not.

what the hell is wrong with plain English? It's also really not that hard to read body language if somebody's unable to speak.

I lose all ability to speak when I ...er... get aroused. So far, Master has been able to piece together the few words I mangle into speech. But usually, I'm just echoing His statements, nodding or shaking my head.

I don't think too clearly during the fact, but I think my body language is pretty confusing. My ... um... orgasm isn't always tied to the same body language and a sharp "oh" of discomfort can easily be confused with a gasped "oOh" of pleasure.

 

[EmpressFi]

Well, we've already been over Bunny's feelings about punishment, but I'd break somebody's goddamned neck if THEY screwed up, and I got "punished" for it.

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

This is also a reason that I say most good Dom/mes have spent time on the bottom. Yes, goddammit, there is, in fact, a place you can hit in your mind where you're not capable of using a safeword, whether you believe it or not. I'm pretty notorious for it, actually, for going from 0 to "OMG, make it stop!" in 2.5 seconds. It's why I won't play with people who say they'll only stop if I safeword.

And, seriously, what the hell is wrong with plain English? It's also really not that hard to read body language if somebody's unable to speak. If I say, "No more," then I mean FUCKING STOP. I don't know why people have to make this shit harder than it really is.

But, yeah, I don't think punishing someone for your fuck-ups is going to increase the amount of trust they have in you. But what do I know, right?

I bolded that because it reminded me of something from this past weekend. We were having some wax play and I was saying "Ow" over and over. I know, I know, "ow" is not a safeword. I know I'm supposed to use "red" and "yellow"... but in that moment, just as one before when I was being spanked, I honestly couldnt remember the words.. all I could get out was, "please stop". And he stopped.

Trust goes both ways. You need to be able to trust her to let you know when something gets too much. But she also needs to trust you to see that perhaps she's just too out of it to say so.

Also, and honestly, this only is for me, I dont know what's going on inside anyone's head. But I'm in a real wrestling match before I safeword. I love the pain, crave it sometimes. Add to that, wanting to be able to take more and more pain, to make him proud of me, to show him how much I care, and some of it is even self pride, something where I can say, "Look at how MUCH I took." A Top/Dom/me isnt a mind reader, I know that. They have to be able to trust that the bottom/sub/slave will say when enough is enough, however, if someone is lost in a panic attack or so deep in subspace that they're non-verbal, you should know their body and voice well enough to even stop long enough to ask them, if they're ok to continue.