Adding a third into your relationship: for fun or commitment?

[fallon2]

Communication and

After reading all the replies so far I see that communication and trust are the two KEY elements regarding a third person.
If the sub was interested I would definitely be interested . . . if not I don't think I would. I want my subbie to know she comes first . . . and always should in my feelings and thoughts. Therefore . . .listen to what she says and question her and then . . . who knows what may happen. Thanks to MT for starting this thread.

 

[Richard49]

Books on threesomes and moresomes

The following author was not/is not in to the BDSM world or D/s.

However almost everything he wrote was about threesomes and moresomes in a "married" setting. He also lived it and no one knew till his Alpha wife died.

He is Robert Rimmer.

A badly made movie of his book the Herod Experment was made...avoid the movie !!!!

In his fistion he deals with everything from how it happenbs...to conflict resoulution .....to designing a house for all...including children......

Richard
who is having a very bad emotional day

 

[MissTaken]

I am sorry you are having a bad day, Richard. *hugs*

I did read the Herrod Experiment and did see the movie. Admittedly, I was too young to understand the intricities of the book and just young enough to think all those nude bodies on tv were intriguing! I think I was 14.

For me, personally, the issue of poly generates ever changing ideas and opinions as I continue to explore myself and my submission. There is no doubt that I would love to include another sub in O/our play.

In terms of considering poly as a lifestyle, I can see so many benefits and there is part of me that wants this very much. Realistically, I have never been one to make many female friends and think that the sub of choice would have to be someone very special and very patient!

fallon: Yes, as with all aspects of D/s, communication and trust seem to be key themes. I think they are stressed in this situation as communication and trust are most often and most sorely tested by the onset of other's becoming involved in a relationship, whether on a social or intimate basis. Just a thought that skipped across my weary mind.....

 

[Richard49]

Poly lifestyle

In terms of considering poly as a lifestyle, I can see so many benefits and there is part of me that wants this very much. Realistically, I have never been one to make many female friends and think that the sub of choice would have to be someone very special and very patient!

.....

Rimmer in his other books (and for the life of me I can not think of the names of them) he really address ALL the issues I could ever think of reguarding poly......he even shows how to over come the laws against them.....and yes his solution work.

I have lived in many poly relations and many different types of them.....I like them <smile> but they are hard on all involved and will destroy people that do not have a process and a mutal committment first

When I speak of mutal committment I speak of more that just the relationship bond going to all...they need a mutal "faith".

Richard

 

[SierraMoon]

SierraMoon,

Use all the thread space you like! We learn from one another's experiences, we glory in one another's happinesses and provide comfort during difficult times.

I find that I learn more about myself when considering how to respond or even whether to respond to a thread or post.

There is no road map for a thread at lit!


Be well and enjoy !

Thank you again MissTaken, for making me feel most welcome here. I am processing everything that has been said, and am looking forward to the day that I am able to maybe put some of this advice to use. I am most grateful to all of you who have taken time to reply to my posts, and I realize this is a family of very caring people, here at Lit. I will continue to return here, to get advice, and hopefully, someday will be able to return the favor. Thanks again!!! Sierra

 

[SierraMoon]

I hope you don't mind me bumping this thread... i am still talking with the Master that i talked about earlier in this thread.. He has made it clear to me that if i have any hopes of joining His House, that i need to form a strong bond with His slave... He has given her my IM names, and i am looking forward to talking with her.. but i'm not exactly sure what kinds of things i should bring up in the discussions.. i would really like to form a strong relationship with her, but i'm afraid of "crossing boundaries" while speaking with her... as far as how much information i should ask for... i don't want to appear "stupid" in asking questions, and was wondering if i could get some input about what kinds of questions i should ask of her, from maybe someone who has been through this before... any advice will be greatly appreciated!! hugs to all.... sierra

 

[DRxBlue]

Thanks for bumping this SierraMoon

Shall i call you SM for short? (did you plan that?)

i didn't see this thread in March, i had just discovered the BDSM chat and my whole mental house blew down. (Thank Goddess)

i wondered if all that's been said about adding a third would apply in my case.

That actually is sorta my fantasy in a way. To very temporarily be "adopted" by a couple, as a non-sexual "observer".

i'd be totally willing to try anything, (i mean it) and i'm sure i would be the most submissive creature in the world. Just to share a little in the RL practice, to be "experimented on" with some bondage and pain.

i wouldn't want to be an equal player, or expect to be with them for long. Just long enough to learn what they have to teach.

i could repay their tutelage with my rather well developed cooking skills, my music, and my boundless love.

Does it even sound possible to those of you who have seen the reality of BDSM life?

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: Thanks for bumping this SierraMoon

Shall i call you SM for short? (did you plan that?)

LOL.. no, Blue, i didn't plan that.. but that's cute!! Wish i could give you some advice, but, like you, i am searching for answers, and trying to figure out where i fit in... hopefully one of the wonderful, experienced fellow BDSM'ers will shed some light on this for us... take care, and hugs to all.... sierra

 

[cellis]

I have been following this thread since the beginning. Mainly because it is something that Himself and I have talked a great deal about and are considering.

In fact we had an incident this week about this issue, that I won't go into except to say that it was about miscommunication.

The bottom line for me is that there has to better communication between the two in the primary relationship than there ever was before and both have to be extremely sure of themselves and each other.

I would like to think that a Dom/me, sub, sub relationship could work, but it seems to me in our situation it would be more a Dom, switch, sub relationship...

We are working on the particulars... not rushing into anything... looking around and feeling the waters...

 

[Quint]

First, I'd like to congratulate everyone who's posted on this thread. Everything said thus far has been extremely honest, thought-provoking, and, to the best of my knowledge, true. Very intelligent people on this thread!

I discovered I was bi when my best female friend and hunny started talking about doing a threesome. The mental pictures were stunning, and let it suffice to say that we were quite heated by the thought. So at the end of the school year, we go over to her house, watch "Wild Things," and nervously begin to play. We had ground rules...no intercourse between she and he, because I really wanted to avoid the jealousy and overreaction some of you mentioned. It was difficult on a couple of levels; it was my first f/f experience (wow!), and the three of us were young and inexperienced, and ruled totally by lust.

It could have gone so much better had we been wiser. There was a total lack of closure (she moved after that brief encounter), and although we picked up where we left off when she came for a visit, it's always been so hesitant and shy. The three of us are very sexual, confident people on our own, but I guess Richard would say that we're missing "common faith." I am the common link between the other two, because she's now a lesbian, and while it's really nice being the creamy nougat center, hunny feels neglected and she usually feels guilty.

Do I still want another person involved? Certainly! I've discussed getting a girlfriend and involving her with us. I'd really like another man, especially another dominant one (ooh, we haven't talked about a Dom/Dom/sub threesome!), but hunny is definitely against that. I think that we could make it work, if we found a girl who a.) doesn't mind the two-years of being mental mates we share, and b.) I am comfortable enough with to let her have all my rights with hunny. Is it strange for me to willingly grant oral given and received, but not intercourse? It isn't "wrong," since that's strictly in the mind of the beholder, but I do wonder if this is a logical thought or a thought I've inherited and haven't bothered getting rid of yet.

I also don't know about the statement that "no one person can be enough for anyone." Will think about it, but as of now I disagree on the basis of being a hopeless romantic. o)

 

[cellis]

I am laughing Quint, as I read your response about oral versus intercourse. I just had this conversation with Himself about the threesome thing.

I feel like if another woman gives him a blowjob, then it is okay... but I don't want him fucking anyone else. He does understand my feelings about this and we have talked about it on several occasions.

I was not aware that anyone else felt this way.

Thanks for sharing Quint. It feels good to see someone else put it in writing. I feel validated in a sense.

 

[Quint]

::grins:: Hey, if I can make anyone feel less awkward by telling about my own insecurities, then woo for me!

 

[porphry]

RE: Poly

I have been Fourth, Third, Second and First girl for the same dom. I moved so far up the ranks that I am moving past that particular person. Wish me luck!

 

[Shadowsdream]

When adding a third into a BDSM relationship the Dominant really has the obligation of ensuring that there is an attraction and honest LIKING between the submissives.
That the Dominant makes it clear that one must not emulate the other but must strive to remain the unique individual that made them an attractive addition to this BDSM family. It is pointless to compete because doing so detracts from the original beauty of both...complemeting each others attributes will bring more satisfaction and harmony into a house that already flaunts societies conventions.
The Dominant must be honest and strong enough to not play favourites but to encourage and discipline without flinching or prejudice.
I believe that it is important to insist the two submissives spend time away from their Dominant...together..structured amounts of time..with the message that NO GUILT is allowed while they are enjoying the pleasure of each others company.
Sitting them at the Dominants feet when they return home to discuss the evening or afternoons activities. Listening for any stress and encouraging with laughter and kindness their small joys. Becoming a part of their adventure to add closure to a task they were given..of pleasing their Dominant through an unexpected type of obedience.
If competition or jealousy begins to be even slightly evident it is the responsibility of the Dominant to take action to make it clear that it will not be tolerated and explain very clearly why it is destructive behaviour.
Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility!
So...how much responsibility is the Dominant prepared to take is the real question.
O O I used the must word! Well for Me it MUST be so. But all are different and have different needs so please when you see Me say must..remember I say must with Me in mind.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Polymory Works!

I know several instances where polymory works and has worked for many years.

However, I find that most people do not really understand what having a poly relationship really means. They think it is just another swinging relationship.

If you are really interested in the concept, read the book "Polymory the New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships" by Dr. Deborah M. Anapol.

It is good reading, even if you are not contemplating this change.

Ebony

 

[SierraMoon]

Thanks to all of you for replying... i have sent His slave an email, (to His email address, of course) letting her know of my willingness to get together and chat. I am still awaiting a reply from her. I would appreciate any more input on this subject, if anyone would like to share!! Thanks again... hugs.. sierra

 

[morninggirl5]

Bump for Kirabeth

 

[Richard49]

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=2001515#post2001515

Th above is a thread on poly in general

 

[baby girl astra]

couldnt share my man with anyone personally, as much as i have enjoyed three ways with my ex, my current simply means too much, i couldnt take the risk of fucking it up

 

[catalina_francisco]

A worthwhile bump I think.......

 

[ethereal~minx]

how did I miss this bump???
this is what I want *grin* a long term committed relationship with these two~ : )

a relationship where all three of us are committed to the friendship, love, intimacy between us for growth, fulfillment...

 

[FungiUg]

From my own experience, the time we had with our submissive last year worked well, but for long term sucess, we will need to find someone who is happy to commit and belong to a couple, rather than someone who needs her own relationship.

The wierd thing is she's now scared to visit us (she's moved on to her own relationship), because she thinks she'll end up ripping off her clothes and begging us to use her. Can't imagine why...

Anyway, finding a partner for a permanent threesome does seem to be a little difficult.

 

[Alfresco]

hard to explain

i have been eading this thread and as always if your involved catalina there seem to be alot of sense talked and not just bullshit so i'll give my thoughts.
as a male (Dom) non abusive, my thoughts have often drifted to a new partner not really for me but my wife,
as i'm sure alot of males drift there.
so it is interesting to read this thread and think about the whole ramifacatios of just such a step,i can from thosethat have made it work comunication was the tool.
i have a work team that is 10 people 2 females somtime not often but happened just before xmas we had to do a job out of town.
that's when you suddenly relize just how hard it is to get along short burst yep we all handle it but long period s of time other things come into play well u can name them
interesting thoughts thu from one that was so open in play.
maybe what i have shouldn't be played with full time short burst like a nite play over great fun m great mountain climbed it but not for length of time
thank you all i learn from what u say

 

[Prof Bill]

Step at a time?

I don't think that what I've done, nor what my sub has done in the past really qualifies as polyamory; it's been more of threesomes and foursomes.

Nevertheless, because she has some wonderful memories and I have some bad memories, I'll write a bit about both in the hopes that I can at least support much of what's been said here.

My threesomes always seemed to be about sex--whether within or without a D/s and/or BDSM context. The three of us searced for kink and found it within ourselves. That was all well and good, I suppose, but because there was no emotional involvement of any kind it ultimately became an issue of gymnastics.

Her threesomes were set up over time and for excitement and satisfaction. She exhibited patience, everyone met and talked before hand (except the time when she had two of her lovers together at the same time), and there were clear understandings of why they were getting together.

My threesomes were always MMF (exept for one MFF with my first sub and it was a disaster of jealousy) while hers ran the gamut.

Since we joined, we've talked about it and explored the possibilities with several ladies, but none of them made us want to do this.

We really had the same reason for wanting this. I wanted to make love to her with another woman assisting us, and she wanted to tag team me. And then we both thought it would be fun to tag team another woman.

(I'm being honest, and this is why I really don't think what I've done qualifies for polyamory.)

We finally met a fairly new submissive, experienced sexually and mature in years, who had recently ended a marriage and had lost her first "real" D/s relationship. She wants a permanent and full-time Master, but she also has physical needs she would like satisfied safely.

I found her and wrote to her (copying my sub in on all letters), and when all three of us agreed this might be something we wanted to try, she met for dinner with my sub (I was not present). The report came back that she was acceptable, that we would focus on sex and on introducing her to some of the BDSM activities we enjoy, and that we would both encourage and help her find the Master she's looking for.

We've had two sessions together and they've been very, very enjoyable. We will have more.

But I have also had sessions with my sub without her--because even though my sub is intelligent and well-balanced, jealousy can come into any relationship.

So, what have I experienced and what did we do that might help? We talked a lot. Most importants, we had a good idea of what we wanted to accomplish by adding a third to our lives. We make sure everyone knows what we're all in it for. The alpha sub is clearly identified.

And that leads me to suggesting the possibility that you "try this out" first. Who knows? The first time you're in bed with another woman and a guy might not be at all what you had in mind. The first time you and the guy make love to the other woman, it might not be what you had in mind. It seems to me to be far better to discover that during some kind of "trial period" than to find it out after a great emotional committment had been made.

Anyway, good luck to Sierra and all the others who will try this at some time in their lives.

Bill

 

[Texture]

Gorillas are usually polygamous. Slugs are the consummate batchelors, hermaphrodites able to comsummate themself.

On the rare and dreaded occasions these creatures mate, their offspring is a horror described by Darwin as the 'slithering ape', a missing link that will try to convince it's objects of desire that they are part of itself and then forcibly mate with them, a hairy freudian nightmare.