AFTER - hoping for some feedback

[Varian P]

I read all four chapters. Reading critically always takes a bit of effort but I'm glad that I did. You have certainly reviewed many stories including my own. I hope this is worthwhile for you.

Hi writelove,

Goodness, it was generous of you to take the time to read through all four chapters and comment. I know that means taking time away from writing and all the other things you could or should be doing, so thank you! And my apologies for taking so long in responding—this is the first opportunity I've had to take the time to reply in the depth your comments deserve.

I have not read any of the other comments because I wanted to give you a fresh perspective. However this may result in duplicate observations from someone else.

That's how I usually approach crits, myself, when I can resist the urge to peek, at least. That way I know I'm not being influenced by others' reactions. And I actually find those duplicate observations helpful—if several people tell me the same thing, I can be more sure it needs to be addressed.

I have rarely found a story that does not have something that can be mentioned that is both good and bad. This certainly follows that standard.

Certainly there's plenty of room for improvement in my piece; I'm just glad to hear you saw something good in there.

The story starts at year three after some world changing event. I wasn't exactly sure what that was. Maybe I didn't read closely enough. It didn't actually matter anyway.

No, you didn't miss anything. I will be revealing some aspects of what has happened to end the world as we know it, but at the outset I wanted the external threat to be vague, because one theme I'm exploring in the story is the idea of how the idea of the threat (as opposed to any particular concrete threat) gets used to justify extreme choices/measures.

Everything that I read was present tense except for most of the fourth chapter. So I was able to compare the voice and style of how you handled this change...

...The section written in present tense wasn't as natural as the later part written in the past tense...

...When you started to write in the past tense the writing was crisper and you appeared to have greater command of the language.

I might suggest simply making the entire story past tense.

I confess I'm torn about the sections that are in the present tense. Initially, the entire story was going to be told in the present tense, and in extremely neutral language, almost in the manner of an ethnographer making notes on her observations. I want there to be a certain distance, as if we are watching what is happening via the cameras, the way the men watch Eva and John.

But I'm a bit uncomfortable with my experiment. Writing in the present tense is less the problem, for me, than staying out of the characters' heads (which is the other thing that changes in chapter four). Your reaction very much reflects my own concerns, so thanks for pointing it out.

First, it was a good story. I think it does need more work before it can be published. But that is just my opinion in comparing it to other published books.

I has a good plot and you definitely have considerable skill at writing. I believe it just needs a bit more polish. I doubt I am a better writer than you so maybe I can't help much, but I can certainly point out areas that I think could make your story better.

Let me give a few examples of areas that I believe should be improved.

First, you have quite a few fragment sentences. I am not such a purist that I think this should never happen. The most popular writers do this frequently. I just found several instances where this seemed awkward - in my opinion.

Thanks. This is something that a number of people have pointed out, and I am keeping this in mind as I work on subsequent chapters, and will look over the first chapters with this in mind, as well.

I never break with convention for the sake of doing so; I try to use language in a way which captures a moment or action or image in a more natural or intuitive way than is possible using proper grammar. But I do have to weigh the risk of my prose being distracting, rather than liberating. I get well fed-up when I feel like I'm just watching an author playing games with language when I thought I was going to be enjoying a good story.

Second, you had some run-on sentences as well. I never like run-ons, believe they always detract from a story.

I should probably have an editor help me spot these. Thanks for pointing out the problem.

Third, you tended to use the passive voice like "is sobbing" instead of "sobs." I believe that the active voice is so much more powerful.

I think I do need to look out for that more carefully. There are times when I use that verb form (“is sobbing” rather than “sobs”) to indicate an ongoing action rather than something that happens in a single moment, but there are probably other instances where the simple present tense (or simple past) would be more impactful.

Fourth, some of your verbs were a bit weak. This often happens after a first draft. I am not saying this made the story poor. I believe a good story like this can be made better.

Let me give some details.

Skittish, the girl looks about her once more, then reaches up and plucks one heavy green fruit.
The phrase "looks about" is weak. I would say something like - Skittish, the girl glances furtively about, then reaches....

Good call--I agree there's got to be a more precise and dynamic word that can replace the rather flaccid "looks about." I often don't take the time I should to craft each image, each phrase with just the right words, because I'm caught up in getting the gist of the action down. But obviously I should refine the language when I go through for the next draft.

The one who catches her smiles as his fingers lock around her arms. He touched her first, so he gets her first.
I would say something like - A man locks his fingers around her arms. The first to touch her, the first to have her. He licks his lips.

The sentence "The sound of thread snapping." is a fragment and distracted me from the story.
He throws her to the ground and is on her. She screams. An animal howl, terrifying and loud. She hits him hard in the face. He hits her back. A second man is there, now, pinning her arms, eager to help so his turn will come sooner. The one on top of her rips open her jacket. The sound of thread snapping. Hands yank up her shirt and bra.

"is pulling" should be "pulls" (active voice). "She is sobbing" should be "sobs." "Convulsing with sobs" is a fragment.
The one with the gun makes the runaway take his place, holding her wrists. The one on top of her is pulling down her pants, tugging at her underwear. She is sobbing. Convulsing with sobs .

Then a horrible dull impact sound. And again. Something is wrong with the one on top of her. Blood runs in a stream over the stubble, down his temple, dripping in a sticky warm rivulet onto her face. Then a boot flashes into and out of her frame of vision and the man on top of her arcs backward. He is off of her. They are all off of her.
Fragments - "Then a horrible dull impact sound."
I would delete "of her frame."
Instead of "He is off her", I would say "He falls off her" (weak verb).
Instead of "They are all off her" I would say "They end up lying in a circle around her like spokes of a wheel."

This is a run-on sentence. Also the phrase, "do up her pants" should be, "pull up her pants."
She does not take her eyes off him as her trembling hands struggle to do up her pants, then as she crosses her buttonless jacket and then her arms defensively over her chest. He watches her, then scans the men littered about them.

Thanks for all the concrete suggestions; it's always helpful to see specific instances of problems like fragments and verb choice.

You definitely have skill at writing and I am glad to have had an opportunity to read your work.

Thank you for such detailed, thoughtful comments. I really appreciate it.

Cheers,

-Varian

 

[Varian P]

My dear, how you spoil me.

...quickly read through comments, and saw a bit about sentence fragments and run-ons...I dunno, seems to me you're mixing and matching the lengths nicely that gives the story the ebbs and flows and changing rhythms it needs...certainly for the sex scenes the varying lengths matches the different rhythms of sex...I thought this paragraph was a particularly nice constrast (though two complete sentences)...

I'm pleased to hear the liberties I've taken with grammar aren't spoiling the prose for you, and that the rhythm is working for you.

I'm pleased you picked out that one paragraph; I haven't waxed lyrical too much in "After," but did there, and it's one of my favorite bits of imagery.

In other words, no real objections to the fragments or the run-ons. I'm not one to point out awkward wording very well, but I'd agree w/ some of those specific comments. I wouldn't mess w/ the varying lengths, though.

As i go forward with writing and revising, weighing what I've been hearing here and my own instincts, I'll be careful to preserve the varying lengths in phrases, sentences and paragraphs, but be a bit more judicious in my flouting of proper sentence structure. I won't abandon the fragments, but will use them only when I feel doing so will have a meaningful impact.

I am now back from Planet Dumbass...nice to be back. After 4 chapters I finally get the obvious symbolism of Eva's name. Duh! Now, that said, do you think it's little trite? Now I recognize you and Eva have gone back a ways, and it's hard for you to think of her as anyone else but Eva, perhaps a more subtle version of the name? Maybe the version of Eve in a different language, perhaps from a culture where the "taboo" where sex is concerned is even more so? Just a thought...

Yes, me and my meaning-laden names.
I've actually been thinking of making her name Ava instead of Eva, in part because that's the pronunciation I hear in my head, anyway (I've never like the name "Eve."

Out of curiosity, which sexual taboo do you mean?

I'm enjoying Smith's character immensely. All I know is, by the end, unless he makes Col Kurtz look like Mister Rogers, I'll be very disappointed! I want him to be not immoral, but totally amoral, so caught up in whatever "this" is that he completely loses himself...that's my vote!

I'm thrilled, thrilled you're enjoying Smith. I always end up especially adoring one character from each novel, and from "After," Smith is it. You'll have to let me know what you think of him at the end, if you make it that far.

Awesome BJ scene, you write good head ...I got nothing intelligent to say about that. As it should be!

If you think I write good head...

(I think I just made an effective use of a sentence fragment...)

Absolutely.

Thanks for the read!

No, no--thank you for reading, and for yet more helpful feedback.

-V

 

[MarshAlien]

Please accept my apologies for coming to this thread so late. I was travelling when you started it, and when it returned it appeared that you had more feedback than you might want. But as you keep responding to it, I will admit that you have clearly not been punished enough for your own satisfaction.

Seriously, I think you are a very gifted writer with a knack for storytelling that draws your reader into the setting and the plot. I've only read Chapter One so far, and I can't yet say the same about the characters, but I'm sure that you've done the same with them in the later chapters. Which I fully intend to read once I can set aside a block of time.

After I had finished reading it, there were two parts that struck me as just a little bit off. The first was at the very beginning. It seems to me that in the opening line, you are setting up the story to be told with the focus on the men. In the first paragraph, you amplify this with the line "A girl or young woman." Obviously, the omniscient narrator would now; that he does not suggests to me that the story is being told through the eyes of someone else, i.e., the men. But then the fourth paragraph shifts suddenly, as if we suddenly need to know that they are men. I found that shift jarring, and since it occurs so early in the story, it sets a tone for what follows.

My other problem with the beginning was all the sentence fragments. The first sentence in the second paragraph lacks a noun, the second a verb, and the final sentence is just a description (which again doesn't fit the men because they've obviously been there before). I think it works once, but I'm not sure it works three times.

The second part that stuck out was the introduction to the compound. Smith is described as looking like an eagle, cool, polite, apologetic (which struck me as very insincere on a second reading), wistful, and teasing. Enough to allow Eva's body to soften when she is left alone with him (btw, you have two sentences "Eva's whole body seems to soften slightly" and "Her rigidity seems to soften slightly" awfully close to each other). Still, it didn't seem like enough to impel her to press against him with that "With you" line just before he fetches the nightgown. And I know she's drugged, but it doesn't seem like she's done quite that much "eager drinking" yet to make her that grateful, and to take away her suspicions entirely. She gloms on to him so quickly, in fact, that it detracts a little from her credibility.

Oh, and those "OOOOOO's" drove me up a wall. Because they're letters, probably. Every time I got to one of them, I pictured "The Scream." I'm probably the only one, but you could make one reader happy by subsituting asterisks.

 

[ninefe2dg]

My dear, how you spoil me.

My pleasure indeed!

As i go forward with writing and revising, weighing what I've been hearing here and my own instincts, I'll be careful to preserve the varying lengths in phrases, sentences and paragraphs, but be a bit more judicious in my flouting of proper sentence structure. I won't abandon the fragments, but will use them only when I feel doing so will have a meaningful impact.

"Liberties" re sentence structure, spelling, made up words (I'm already preparing my defense for the word "gilloolied", to appear in an upcoming effort), might make for an interesting discussion. I definitely think there is room, if not overdone, for personal styles that go beyond the boundaries of "proper English".

Yes, me and my meaning-laden names.
I've actually been thinking of making her name Ava instead of Eva, in part because that's the pronunciation I hear in my head, anyway (I've never like the name "Eve."

Out of curiosity, which sexual taboo do you mean?

Ava is nice. If the apocalypse is, say 10 years from now, nice her name is not Brittany, Courtney, Hayden, or Caitlyn, as is the case with 90% of her contemporaries!

Where I was going, re "taboo", was maybe a cross-cultural angle. Eva/Ava is from a very different culture, perhaps one where sex in general (not any one "act" in particular) is more "verboten" (Arab or Indian maybe), and that her name would be "Eve" but that culture's equivalent. The sex is always hotter when it's that much more forbidden...just a suggestion. The sex in the story is already hot, and a "different culture" introduces a whole different, and perhaps unnecessary dynamic.

I'm thrilled, thrilled you're enjoying Smith. I always end up especially adoring one character from each novel, and from "After," Smith is it. You'll have to let me know what you think of him at the end, if you make it that far.

No worries, you had me at "masticate", babe With you to the end. As I said, no limits, please, no limits to his EEEEE-VILLLL.

If you think I write good head...

Clearly we write best what we know!

 

[Varian P]

Please accept my apologies for coming to this thread so late. I was travelling when you started it, and when it returned it appeared that you had more feedback than you might want.

There are a few areas in which I'm insatiable, and endlessly discussing my writing with anyone I manage to snare is one of them. Glad to have lured you into my little trap, at last.

But as you keep responding to it, I will admit that you have clearly not been punished enough for your own satisfaction.

Well, if you think I'm in need of further punishment, I guess I'd better not argue.

But seriously, I'm thrilled to have your input—your crits have always struck me as clever and incisive.

Seriously, I think you are a very gifted writer with a knack for storytelling that draws your reader into the setting and the plot. I've only read Chapter One so far, and I can't yet say the same about the characters, but I'm sure that you've done the same with them in the later chapters. Which I fully intend to read once I can set aside a block of time.

Thank you kindly for the compliments. Ultimately, I hope I've made the characters interesting; I do, on occasion, get accused of holding my cards close, and as a result my characters can be a tad cypherific in the early pages. Hopefully not to the end, though.

After I had finished reading it, there were two parts that struck me as just a little bit off. The first was at the very beginning. It seems to me that in the opening line, you are setting up the story to be told with the focus on the men. In the first paragraph, you amplify this with the line "A girl or young woman." Obviously, the omniscient narrator would now; that he does not suggests to me that the story is being told through the eyes of someone else, i.e., the men. But then the fourth paragraph shifts suddenly, as if we suddenly need to know that they are men. I found that shift jarring, and since it occurs so early in the story, it sets a tone for what follows.

Interesting response to the opening—I'll have to give it some thought.

The narrative voice/POV for this section is an experiment, the success of which I'm not yet convinced of. It's not an omniscient narrator, but one which relates events that unfold as a spectator or voyeur would. As the title suggests, this part of the novel is very much Eva's story, but we never go inside her head.

My other problem with the beginning was all the sentence fragments. The first sentence in the second paragraph lacks a noun, the second a verb, and the final sentence is just a description (which again doesn't fit the men because they've obviously been there before). I think it works once, but I'm not sure it works three times.

You're far from alone, having a problem with all the fragments, and I'm pondering using them more sparingly.

The second part that stuck out was the introduction to the compound. Smith is described as looking like an eagle, cool, polite, apologetic (which struck me as very insincere on a second reading), wistful, and teasing. Enough to allow Eva's body to soften when she is left alone with him... Still, it didn't seem like enough to impel her to press against him with that "With you" line just before he fetches the nightgown. And I know she's drugged, but it doesn't seem like she's done quite that much "eager drinking" yet to make her that grateful, and to take away her suspicions entirely. She gloms on to him so quickly, in fact, that it detracts a little from her credibility.

I'm dying to address your reaction to Eva's behavior, but I'm torn, as I'm loathe to explain characters' motivations before they are revealed (hopefully) by the natural progression of the story.

Oh, well, I'm all about instant gratification, and there's no use kidding myself or anyone else on the matter. But as you say you plan to keep reading, feel free to skip this bit if I'm in danger of sullying things for you.

What I hope will gradually become clear through Eva's actions in the course of her story is that she is a fairly sharp person, and almost from the moment she is brought onto the base, she is strategic in her behavior. She's not actually a 'reliable' character; her sincerity and honesty are always in doubt. However, I do mean for her to be a sympathetic character—even when she's duplicitous, it's with good cause.

So, in the scene you mention, it's not that she's smitten with Smith and sort of swooning in his arms; she's guessed that there's about zero chance that she's going to be left unmolested, so she tries to turn the situation to her advantage as much as she can. Since Smith is in charge, and seems considerably less scary than the other men she's encountered, she makes a rather feeble attempt to seduce him (feeble because she's inexperienced and also emotionally and physically exhausted). She's basically gambling on getting him to be her lover and protector, rather than what she expects is a likely alternative: that he'll force her to sexually service every man on base.

So, at the point in the story when that scene takes place, I'm happy for the reader to be doubting her sincerity, or just wondering why she's acting that way. However, I certainly don't want it to come across as weak writing, as if I mean for Eva to be sincerely eager to hook up with Smith when I've offered no reason for her to respond that way. I'll have to give that episode some thought.

And I'll give some attention to your reaction that Smith's apologetics come off as insincere, given what he later does. He genuinely abhors the brute sexual violence that the men in the orchard attempted to perpetrate against Eva, but he's also prepared to go to extremes in order to achieve his goals, which he sees as being the greatest good for the greatest number sort of thing. By his own twisted logic, Smith actually sees what he does to Eva as a kind of moral obligation, and tries to make it as painless for her as he can, both in his choice of John, and in drugging her before the ordeal. So, I do mean for him to be a hard person, somewhere between utilitarian and insane, but not insincere.

(btw, you have two sentences "Eva's whole body seems to soften slightly" and "Her rigidity seems to soften slightly" awfully close to each other).

Cringe. I hate it when I do that; after a while revising, I become utterly blind to things like that. After reading your comments, I just caught a similar slip in a later chapter, so thanks!

Oh, and those "OOOOOO's" drove me up a wall. Because they're letters, probably. Every time I got to one of them, I pictured "The Scream." I'm probably the only one, but you could make one reader happy by subsituting asterisks.

Actually, our old friend fcdc made a similar comment on one of my other stories, so there's at least one other person out there I've driven slightly mad with my quints of O's. I'll have to gear up to break myself of that habit.

Thanks so much for giving me your thoughts—you've given me plenty to fix and more to ponder.

Cheers,
Varian

 

[Recidiva]

I feel the need to confess that I've copied "Awake" so that if you yank that one down. HAH. Too late.

You want it back you can find me and delete it off my hard drive. And probably find the hard copy I plan on printing out.

So there.

 

[Varian P]

Just in case anyone's got the stamina for it, chapter eight of After posted today.

You've all been more generous with feedback than I could have reasonably hoped, so this is really just a little reminder that my story's chugging along...



Varian

 

[ninefe2dg]

I'm up to it...

...Hey there...I've not kept up with the lit threads lately (btw just NOW did my final Clueless edits), so I'm a bit behind. I left off on Ch 4, but downloaded Ch 5-8. I read Ch 5 today. Would rather collect all my thoughts on all 4 chapters if OK with you. I LOVED Ch 5 though, especially how Eva is being developed. (I was at work when I read Ch5, an intern came in after I'd read it, and I was so horny I could barely speak to her--not that she wasn't cute herself!)...so thanks for the rush.

May take me a few days. But I'm a-readin'!

Again, thanks for everything you give to us on this board. I hope whatever comments you get in return are helpful!

 

[Varian P]

...Hey there...I've not kept up with the lit threads lately (btw just NOW did my final Clueless edits), so I'm a bit behind.

Yes, I'd noticed you'd hidden yourself away somewhere. Shame on you, depriving us like that.

I left off on Ch 4, but downloaded Ch 5-8. I read Ch 5 today. Would rather collect all my thoughts on all 4 chapters if OK with you.

But of course, I'd be delighted to get your take on the 'big picture.'

I LOVED Ch 5 though, especially how Eva is being developed. (I was at work when I read Ch5, an intern came in after I'd read it, and I was so horny I could barely speak to her--not that she wasn't cute herself!)...so thanks for the rush.

Damn, you sure know how to flatter a girl's ego (five extra credit points if you can tell me which "After" character I'm paraphrasing, there).

Really, I'm tickled if I can make your work relationships with cute interns slightly uncomfortable. Now, if I can just make it truly impossible to walk into a meeting without a strategically-clutched binder...

May take me a few days. But I'm a-readin'!

Thanks!! I'm glad you're enjoying it enough to plow ahead. And I just submitted chapter nine today, at a hale and hearty four Lit pages.

Again, thanks for everything you give to us on this board. I hope whatever comments you get in return are helpful!

You're too sweet. I seriously just feel lucky this little community is here for all of us to participate in as readers, critics and writers.

I'm thrilled with the crits I've received. As I plug away on my edits and embellishments, I've got a dozen little voices keeping me a little closer to the straight and narrow...I think.

Thanks for your note--you always make my day.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Hi there, here are some comments for Ch 5-7, still working on 8 and 9...

Format might be a bit icky, did this offline...if not clear, PLEASE let me know, thanks!

Ch 5

"Goddamned faggots," someone said.

Who? Who's voice?* Muffled behind the mask. Or something in his mouth, masking his voice.

Typo.

When had he started calling the men "kid" and "son"? Hell, we was only thirty-two. He went over to where Dunn was, and Vallar kept right with him. He had the feeling Vallar was going to put himself up like a shield in front of Dunn who, he could see now that he was closer, was sweating and pale and staring at him in absolute terror.
Typo, though I kinda like “we was only thirty-two”…very Deliverance!
"I waited for a chance to talk to Evan alone. And I really meant to just talk to him. But I'd sort of cornered him in the mess—he had K.P. duty—and before I'd really said anything, I don't know, this expression just came over his face, a kind of resignation.
I’m trying to decide how I feel about the “normalcy”…lifting weights, KP duty, shampoo…et al. I’m thinking Smith is exercising psychological control by making routines as normal as possible. I’m wondering though, if everyone in the story has this underlying feeling of “I still can’t believe this fucking happened”, which makes me wonder if they can go about the day to day routines.
On the other hand, psychological control, with children sadly, has happened in real life. Elizabeth Smart didn’t run away when she could have. Neither did that boy who was with that other creep for four years. You wonder on one hand why they don’t try to escape, but on the other hand, you see the power of the mind. I guess I would be sure it doesn’t get “too normal”
I actually have a mega project in mind (one day), where people held captive have normalcy as well. So it’ll be interested to me how that plays out. Reminds me also of a scene (I think it was FaceOff), where Gina Gershon finds herself caught in the crossfire of a shootout with her young son. She puts headphones on him, and you see the whole shootout while listening to Somewhere Over the Rainbow, which is what the boy is listening to. Very powerful contrast.

Jake, too. Not just the ones who'd participated in the rape. Almost every man one base, Evan said.*
Typo.

John stops.

"I need to pee."* Normalcy thing again. Do we really say we need to pee playfully with billions dead. I’m willing to suspend the disbelief quite a bit, as I said, just be sure it’s in check. Stop me if I nitpick…

, …those mistakes won't happen. Maybe most people will have a life like my life was."

She is quiet. Quiet and still.

"Eva..."

It's a conciliatory pronunciation of her name. Like he's back-treading.

"What?" She smiles, sad-looking. "You can't say 'is.' I know that."* (Doesn't he say "was"? Or did I miss something?)

Eva is revealing herself to be more and more complicated. I simply love her. I wouldn’t even mind if she fucks someone over…a splendid mix of innocence, cunning, calculating, sexy…

Ch 6


Eva swings her legs over the edge of the bed and rises. She is naked. Smith stiffens, but doesn't turn away. He watches as she walks to the dresser with an unhurried, natural gait, pulls a pair of white cotton underwear from a drawer, steps into them, slides them up her calves, up her thighs, over her bare ass.
Thank you for that!

"Gaging where my loyalty is."
Typo…gauging…

The confrontation with Smith is powerful….however, how many women would figure out the plan in this amount of time. I love how it’s conveyed, but I would imagine most women would have pieced the plan together by now, doncha think?
When he puts his mouth on her she cries out softly. She looks down, watches what he is doing,then collapses back on the pillow, closes her eyes. She moans quietly with each exhale, her hips writhing in the gentle grasp of his large hands. When she tenses and cries out he takes her all the way through long moments of pleasure.

Space before the “then” in the first line…
I come to Eva. She smiles at me with that sweet smile of hers. The smile I've never seen except through the camera because she hardly ever comes out of her room, and because when she comes out she doesn't smile. Because we scare her. But she smiles at me, and I smile at her, and I realize I never smile anymore. She reaches out with both of her hands, and I put my hands in hers. Her hands are small and warm and soft. I can't remember the last time someone touched me. She steps forward and I put my arms around her. Then I feel her arms around me. I didn't think I would ever get to hold someone again. It feels so nice I'm afraid I'll cry. We take off our shoes and get in bed. I lay my head on her belly and she strokes my hair and my face for a long time. It reminds me of when I was a little boy and my mom used to tuck me into bed and she'd stroke my hair for a while before she turned out the light and left. It reminds me of when my wife and I used to lay in bed and talk and touch and sometimes make love, sometimes not. Eva strokes my hair like that for a long time, and I finally fall asleep, and this one night, with Eva holding me, I don't have any bad dreams.

Seems one of the boys does a good job of showing and not telling lol.
"You know, no one here is a doctor."
Don’t forget the “but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night”, right before the delivery…
"The ways people hurt each other. Yugoslavia. Rwanda. Men with AIDS told to rape the enemy women. Its like societies just manage to check the brutality of human nature, but as soon as there's a tear in the fabric fear, hate, horrible violence come spilling out."
…comes spilling out…typo

Is this paragraph a teeny bit preachy? Just a teeny bit?

Can’t John at least give Riggs a little bit of an evil eye? At least a little hint of displeasure? I was ready to say, John I’ll hold him and YOU hit him…Maybe a little bit about what John is feeling while Riggs fucks her…it’s visceral I’m sure…










"I can't agree with what you've done, but I'm beginning to believe in your noble intentions And I can't deny the good that's come of it. John is really very good to me.

comma before the and. Or a period…take your pick!

"Don't be stupid, Eva."

"Excellent advice. I'll take it. I'll be smart.

"I have my own plan for ensuring the peaceful and prosperous future of our little group. And in my version of peace and prosperity you get to abandon your rigorous chastity."

"Eva, let me go."

Lines 2 and 3 are both Eva…why not combine them?
With one hand she puts his hand on her breast. He does not jerk his hand away. With her other hand she caresses the traitorous bulge at his groin. He is still. Except for the trembling.

Then he’s not still! He is still…but not really…lol
"Stop it, Eva."

His voice is different. Soft. She goes on stroking him.

"Stop it!"

His shout is a whisper. He yanks his hand away from her breast, out of her hand. He shoves her other hand away from him.

With both hands he grabs her head. He looks like he will smash her face against the desk or the bureau. Sudden fear transforms Eva's face. She grasps his wrists, trying to pry his hands from her. He is fierce. Immobile. Panting hard. Still trembling.

Suddenly, brutally, he kisses her. It is like a blow, violent anger. At first she seems to think he has really hit her. She is stunned, then she lets out a little whimper. Even as she succumbs she is trying to wrench his hands from her head. It's futile. Even as their kiss becomes less combative, more tender, he does not release his grip, but holds her helpless in his powerful hands. Finally, he does not let her go, but his fingers soften, cradling jaw, caressing face, stroking hair. Her hands slip from his wrists. She curves her fingers at the back of his neck, pulling him in to deepen their deep kiss.

It is an eternal kiss. It goes on and on, like waves rolling in one after the other, now turbulent, now gently swelling, coming in, receding. He is pulling her body against him now, softening as their bodies seek and mold to one another. Like their mouths, their bodies, their breathing moans twine and writhe against one another.

Never breaking their kiss, she gets his belt undone, then his fly. Then, caressing his stiff cock, she draws back until their lips part and panting, looks up, into his gaze, his eyes bright and sharp like a hunter's even now.

Eva slips the gown from her shoulders. The torn garment falls indifferently to the floor, and she is naked. Taking his hands she leads him to the bed, laying him down and then lying astride him. She tries to slip down, as if she might take him in her mouth, but he stops her, pulls her back up to him.

"I want you here, with me."

He kisses her and she takes him inside of her. She moves over him, slowly and quietly. He watches her face, he watches her body as she makes herself come. Then he is quivering as she goes on.

"Wait," he says. "Not yet. Not yet."

He rolls their twined bodies, then holds himself still, trembling over her, inside her, his eyes fixed on hers, tearing into her with his gaze like he's devouring her. In this fierce stillness after her climax, Eva begins to tremble, to breathe in shuddering gasps, her pleasure-hazed eyes brightening, glistening.

When he moves inside of her, slow, slow, their joined bodies vibrating like two strings singing under the stroke of the bow, Eva begins to whine, to whimper, her voice a delicate note just above silence. Every flex of his body provokes some little tremor in her, some new note from her parted lips. With her eyes, her limbs, her sex she seeks him, goes after him, pulling him into her.

Smith comes on, fierce, hungry, a predator consuming dying prey as she convulses and her mouth goes wide with a long, silent cry, his eyes probing her, taking her startled pleasure for himself. All through her quivering recovery he watches her—how her lips meet, then part to pant, baring a glimpse of her teeth, how her pulse thrums at her throat under her delicate amber skin, how her heaving breaths lift and lower and lift and lower her breasts, her plum-colored nipples, hard and raised.

When he starts to move again, still holding her in his gaze, still cupping her ass in his hand, holding her to him as he flexes into her, she works her hips under him, seeking him, seeking his pleasure.

"Please," she breathes, "let me. I want to."

She coaxes him over, onto his back. Astride, now, she milks him, her body taking him in, wringing every bit of pleasure she can get from him, delaying his climax over and over until he goes fitful, grasping, trembling.

"Wait," he says, "not inside of you."

"Yes, inside of me."

She overwhelms his meager struggle and makes him come.
I have trouble with Smith succumbing to Eva, but can accept it. I think he would have had to wherewithal to at least pull out, ineffective a birth control method as that could be…just my opinion!

This time, when they get back to their room, Eva doesn't have to ask it of him. John simply draws her gently to him, holds her, kisses her, touches her, and little by little, tender, careful, he erases the other man.

I like the “erasing” concept…

Lott stands at rigid attention across the desk from Smith, his usual grin straightened out so that, with the exception of an amused glint in his blue eyes, he appears to be showing all due, grave respect.

I don’t mind the “rigid” dicks and yes, this is a military environment, but we’re hearing the word “rigid” a lot…


After being admitted, Lott had opened with, "I hope I'm not out of line, sir, but I seen something. I thought you'd want to know." And when Smith had told him to go on, Lott had said, "It's to do with Eva, Sir."

That was when Smith's body began to quiver, as if his heart were driving the blood through his veins in a quantity and at a speed too great to be endured.

"I'm worried now I should have said something sooner. But the first time, week before last, really I wasn't sure if it was important, what I'd seen. And I didn't want to bother you for nothin'."

Lott's obsequious words come in stark contrast to his manner. Even in his rigid stance of attention it's plain he's at ease. And if one looks closely, it's possible to see that he is more interested in watching Smith, observing the impact his words are having on him, than he is in efficiently delivering pertinent information to his commanding officer.

"And then, the second time, well, I know what I saw. But it didn't make no sense."

"Lieutenant!" Smith is terse, but not heated. He still has that much control.

Watching Smith, just managing to hide his pleasure, Lott recounts his observations, doling out his words like a dollop of honey, slow, slow to come, but sure to be sweet.

"I don't suppose you have any proof of these allegations, Lieutenant."

"Nah. Nothing to show that's true, what I said about last week and the week before."

Smith's rigid trembling lessens a little.

rigid, rigid, rigid…it’s starting to sound like a funny word!

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, here are some comments for Ch 5-7, still working on 8 and 9...

You're such a sweetie--it's wonderful to get comments this far in from someone who's read from the beginning. Thank you!!

I'm making note of the typos you've pointed out. Thank you! That's what I get for being too impatient to ask an editor to go through my stuff before I submit. Shame on me. Every time, I convince myself I'll catch that stuff, and every time, I fail.

Chapter 5

When had he started calling the men "kid" and "son"? Hell, we was only thirty-two.

Typo, though I kinda like “we was only thirty-two”…very Deliverance!

*laughing*

Good god, you know, you're the second person to get a Deliverance feeling from a line of mine. I'm beginning to worry about myself. And it's not even when the character who could passably say "we's mountain people, now" is speaking. Oh dear.

But soon, very soon, I will have to have Lott say, "He's got a real purdy mouth."

"I waited for a chance to talk to Evan alone. And I really meant to just talk to him. But I'd sort of cornered him in the mess—he had K.P. duty—and before I'd really said anything, I don't know, this expression just came over his face, a kind of resignation.

I’m trying to decide how I feel about the “normalcy”…lifting weights, KP duty, shampoo…et al. I’m thinking Smith is exercising psychological control by making routines as normal as possible. I’m wondering though, if everyone in the story has this underlying feeling of “I still can’t believe this fucking happened”, which makes me wonder if they can go about the day to day routines.
On the other hand, psychological control, with children sadly, has happened in real life. Elizabeth Smart didn’t run away when she could have. Neither did that boy who was with that other creep for four years. You wonder on one hand why they don’t try to escape, but on the other hand, you see the power of the mind. I guess I would be sure it doesn’t get “too normal”

I actually have a mega project in mind (one day), where people held captive have normalcy as well. So it’ll be interested to me how that plays out. Reminds me also of a scene (I think it was FaceOff), where Gina Gershon finds herself caught in the crossfire of a shootout with her young son. She puts headphones on him, and you see the whole shootout while listening to Somewhere Over the Rainbow, which is what the boy is listening to. Very powerful contrast.

I have a vague memory of that scene; it's incredible, what a piece of music can do to how we respond to the images it plays behind.

Your mega-project sounds ambitious. And intriguing.

As for my little apocalypse, and the normalcy therein...yes, Smith is resorting to maintaining the routine of the base as one way of keeping things together—both to instill a sense of normalcy in the men, and also as a way of maintaining their sense of his authority.

But, perhaps I'm failing here, in a couple ways:

One problem that I'm painfully aware of is that I haven't quite painted the picture of how they've tried to deal with the situation at hand. This will come out a bit more in the later chapters, but there have been attempts to leave the base with a goal of doing something: looking for/helping other survivors, etc., soon after the big event, but the men who left the base are presumed dead. Probably I need to beef up the references to the attempted response to the disaster.

The other thing that I worry isn't coming across is that, below the surface, nothing is normal. The whole story is about how the men's scary behavior is their response to how terrifying and dehumanizing what has happened is for them. The world, to the best they can determine, is pretty much gone, they can't leave, and so all they can do is fill the hours of the day with whatever activities, all the while knowing or believing that they're stuck there, the twenty of them, and they're just going to get old and die and that will be the end of everything. So, yeah, they polish their boots and make their beds and do KP duty. And they also start doing really cruel things, in part out of a psychological response/subconscious need to feel they are in control of something.

John stops.

"I need to pee."

Normalcy thing again. Do we really say we need to pee playfully with billions dead. I’m willing to suspend the disbelief quite a bit, as I said, just be sure it’s in check. Stop me if I nitpick…

Please, nit-pick away! It's so helpful knowing the reactions you're having as you read.

Interesting, your read of the pee thing. I didn't mean for her to be playful there. She's taking it doggie style for the first time.

Ladies? Am I alone in the whole doggie style g-spot stimulation feels like you're about to wet yourself thing?

Anyway, I mean for her to actually be scared she's about to pee all over the bed. But perhaps I didn't capture the tone, there.

…those mistakes won't happen. Maybe most people will have a life like my life was."

She is quiet. Quiet and still.

"Eva..."

It's a conciliatory pronunciation of her name. Like he's back-treading.

"What?" She smiles, sad-looking. "You can't say 'is.' I know that."

Doesn't he say "was"? Or did I miss something?

Yeah, he says “was.” There, I mean for him to say he was happy. Then he catches himself, realizing that the implication is that he isn't happy now, with Eva. So he feels bad. And she is reassuring him that she understands why he isn't happy.

Eva is revealing herself to be more and more complicated. I simply love her. I wouldn’t even mind if she fucks someone over…a splendid mix of innocence, cunning, calculating, sexy…

Yay! I can't wait to see how you feel about her in a few more chapters—not because I need you to respond in any particular way, but just because I'll be curious to see how you take her evolution.

chapter 6

Eva swings her legs over the edge of the bed and rises. She is naked. Smith stiffens, but doesn't turn away. He watches as she walks to the dresser with an unhurried, natural gait, pulls a pair of white cotton underwear from a drawer, steps into them, slides them up her calves, up her thighs, over her bare ass.

Thank you for that!

You're so welcome.

The confrontation with Smith is powerful….however, how many women would figure out the plan in this amount of time. I love how it’s conveyed, but I would imagine most women would have pieced the plan together by now, doncha think?

It's not that seducing Smith has just occurred to her—actually, she tried it her first night there, before the lottery. But it's only now that she's decided she is willing to get pregnant, so now she's putting a more complex plan into action. (or am I misunderstanding what you mean by “the plan?”)

I come to Eva. She smiles at me with that sweet smile of hers. The smile I've never seen except through the camera because she hardly ever comes out of her room, and because when she comes out she doesn't smile. Because we scare her. But she smiles at me, and I smile at her, and I realize I never smile anymore. She reaches out with both of her hands, and I put my hands in hers. Her hands are small and warm and soft. I can't remember the last time someone touched me. She steps forward and I put my arms around her. Then I feel her arms around me. I didn't think I would ever get to hold someone again. It feels so nice I'm afraid I'll cry. We take off our shoes and get in bed. I lay my head on her belly and she strokes my hair and my face for a long time. It reminds me of when I was a little boy and my mom used to tuck me into bed and she'd stroke my hair for a while before she turned out the light and left. It reminds me of when my wife and I used to lay in bed and talk and touch and sometimes make love, sometimes not. Eva strokes my hair like that for a long time, and I finally fall asleep, and this one night, with Eva holding me, I don't have any bad dreams.

Seems one of the boys does a good job of showing and not telling lol.

I'm always telling my soldiers...

Hopefully the 'voices' of the letters came across as believable, and different enough from each other...

"You know, no one here is a doctor."
Don’t forget the “but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night”, right before the delivery…

Sorry, this one went over my head.

"The ways people hurt each other. Yugoslavia. Rwanda. Men with AIDS told to rape the enemy women. Its like societies just manage to check the brutality of human nature, but as soon as there's a tear in the fabric fear, hate, horrible violence come spilling out."

…comes spilling out…typo

I'd like to refer this one to our panel of judges.
I'd argue that fear, hate, and violence come spilling out—it's more than one thing spilling.

Is this paragraph a teeny bit preachy? Just a teeny bit?

A teeny bit? Come on, it's horribly preachy.
There used to be a lot more of this crap in there. I do need to trim and refine it still more. Thanks for keeping me honest.

Can’t John at least give Riggs a little bit of an evil eye? At least a little hint of displeasure? I was ready to say, John I’ll hold him and YOU hit him…Maybe a little bit about what John is feeling while Riggs fucks her…it’s visceral I’m sure…

Sigh. I've rewritten John's interactions with Riggs a few times, and fear I still don't have it right.
John suffers a lot, watching Eva with Riggs. However, one part of Eva's grand scheme is to go to heroic lengths to de-escalate the various tensions and hatreds on the base. John very much condemns the things Riggs has does, and hates how Riggs is with Eva, but John's top priority is to do Eva's bidding. If she has told him not to give Riggs the evil eye, John won't.

But I don't want it to come across like John doesn't feel strongly about what's going on, or that he's afraid to confront Riggs. I may have to go back and put in a conversation where Eva tells John not to aggravate Riggs.

I have trouble with Smith succumbing to Eva, but can accept it. I think he would have had to wherewithal to at least pull out, ineffective a birth control method as that could be…just my opinion!

This is something else I struggle with: I want Smith to have an iron will. He would never have succumbed to Eva merely seducing him—even though he wants her desperately, it's only her blackmail threat that compels him to have sex with her.

At the moment when she keeps him inside her, I mean for him to realize that she wants him to impregnate her. It's not a sensual impulse he's giving in to, there. At this weak moment when he's about to orgasm, he is wondering if perhaps John hasn't been able to get her pregnant, is thinking that if he “helps” them, he won't have to tear Eva away from John and force her to be with someone else. It's not a decision he'd make if he had time to think things through, but at this critical moment, he gives in.

But if Smith just seems weak or horny, there, I've missed the mark.

This time, when they get back to their room, Eva doesn't have to ask it of him. John simply draws her gently to him, holds her, kisses her, touches her, and little by little, tender, careful, he erases the other man.

I like the “erasing” concept…

Me too. I've had this idea for years, though originally it was more about erasing a rape. But yeah, there's something really moving there, for me, in the idea of a lover helping someone to reclaim their body/themselves.

I don’t mind the “rigid” dicks and yes, this is a military environment, but we’re hearing the word “rigid” a lot…

rigid, rigid, rigid…it’s starting to sound like a funny word!

Oh, you're so rigid with your rigid need for there not to be one word recycled every second rigid sentence. Gawd!

Thank you so much for all of this--the nit-picking and the big-picture observations are all tremendously helpful. Thanks for pointing out all the stuff, big and small, that floats past my blind spot!



-V

 

[ninefe2dg]

First of all, apologies for the crap format, I was about to go back and edit it, but it seems you could navigate OK, thanks goodness...

As for my little apocalypse, and the normalcy therein...yes, Smith is resorting to maintaining the routine of the base as one way of keeping things together—both to instill a sense of normalcy in the men, and also as a way of maintaining their sense of his authority.

But, perhaps I'm failing here, in a couple ways:

One problem that I'm painfully aware of is that I haven't quite painted the picture of how they've tried to deal with the situation at hand. This will come out a bit more in the later chapters, but there have been attempts to leave the base with a goal of doing something: looking for/helping other survivors, etc., soon after the big event, but the men who left the base are presumed dead. Probably I need to beef up the references to the attempted response to the disaster.

The other thing that I worry isn't coming across is that, below the surface, nothing is normal. The whole story is about how the men's scary behavior is their response to how terrifying and dehumanizing what has happened is for them. The world, to the best they can determine, is pretty much gone, they can't leave, and so all they can do is fill the hours of the day with whatever activities, all the while knowing or believing that they're stuck there, the twenty of them, and they're just going to get old and die and that will be the end of everything. So, yeah, they polish their boots and make their beds and do KP duty. And they also start doing really cruel things, in part out of a psychological response/subconscious need to feel they are in control of something.

Aside from the one suicide, there hasn't been much in the way of overt reaction to "the dying". I might have thought there would be more, perhaps in the midst of polishing boots...WHY THE FUCK AM I POLISHING MY BOOTS...I could live with a bit of that...

Interesting, your read of the pee thing. I didn't mean for her to be playful there. She's taking it doggie style for the first time.

Ladies? Am I alone in the whole doggie style g-spot stimulation feels like you're about to wet yourself thing?

I thought maybe she was embarrassed, and was being playful about it to hide her embarrassment...in retrospect, maybe not the best example to have made my normalcy point...

Yay! I can't wait to see how you feel about her in a few more chapters—not because I need you to respond in any particular way, but just because I'll be curious to see how you take her evolution.

I actually see her feet up on the desk running the place...

Random thought...I wouldn't be opposed to another woman turning up, with her and Eva having an encounter (a little more defiance to Smith)...

It's not that seducing Smith has just occurred to her—actually, she tried it her first night there, before the lottery. But it's only now that she's decided she is willing to get pregnant, so now she's putting a more complex plan into action. (or am I misunderstanding what you mean by “the plan?”)

It simply occurred to me at that point, that Eva knew Smith had a plan, and was saying that alone doesn't distinguish her from other woman, who likely would/could figure it out as well...

I'm always telling my soldiers...

Hopefully the 'voices' of the letters came across as believable, and different enough from each other...

They do...I was simultaneously complimenting you and self-deprecating, given my ongoing work on showing

Sorry, this one went over my head.

Holiday Inn Express Commercials...people are smart who stay there is the point of the campaign, the ads are ordinary people stepping into a situation...like a medical emergency, and are asked, for instance "Are you a doctor", with the response, "No, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night".

The best one is the "rodeo clown", who is really just an ordinary clown presiding over a kid's party, being held at a rodeo, who is giving a guy advice just before he rides a bucking bronco...

Sigh. I've rewritten John's interactions with Riggs a few times, and fear I still don't have it right.
John suffers a lot, watching Eva with Riggs. However, one part of Eva's grand scheme is to go to heroic lengths to de-escalate the various tensions and hatreds on the base. John very much condemns the things Riggs has does, and hates how Riggs is with Eva, but John's top priority is to do Eva's bidding. If she has told him not to give Riggs the evil eye, John won't.

But I don't want it to come across like John doesn't feel strongly about what's going on, or that he's afraid to confront Riggs. I may have to go back and put in a conversation where Eva tells John not to aggravate Riggs.

I think there is room for more aggravation for John, definitely...

This is something else I struggle with: I want Smith to have an iron will. He would never have succumbed to Eva merely seducing him—even though he wants her desperately, it's only her blackmail threat that compels him to have sex with her.

At the moment when she keeps him inside her, I mean for him to realize that she wants him to impregnate her. It's not a sensual impulse he's giving in to, there. At this weak moment when he's about to orgasm, he is wondering if perhaps John hasn't been able to get her pregnant, is thinking that if he “helps” them, he won't have to tear Eva away from John and force her to be with someone else. It's not a decision he'd make if he had time to think things through, but at this critical moment, he gives in.

But if Smith just seems weak or horny, there, I've missed the mark.

I can accept that...I thought his desire did consume him...may be MY reading and not YOUR writing...you may want to check it out with others. I'm no editor, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

Another thought..when my brother was at college he encountered a large group of nude models walking through, I dunno, some classroom building. He said the amount of flesh was so overwhelming there wasn't really anything sexy about it. Point is, there is almost SO much hot sex in this story that I hope readers to fall into diminishing returns. Each vignette, on its own, is hot as hell. Togther, I don't want them to be a bunch of nude model walking through a classroom. I realize where I am in the story, Eva's fucking three guys, BUT, I'm MORE than ready to understand the backdrop, the "dying", and the interpersonal intrigue, the confrontations, etc...

 

[Varian P]

First of all, apologies for the crap format, I was about to go back and edit it, but it seems you could navigate OK, thanks goodness...

Hey, I need something to keep my decrypting skills sharp since my career change.

Aside from the one suicide, there hasn't been much in the way of overt reaction to "the dying". I might have thought there would be more, perhaps in the midst of polishing boots...WHY THE FUCK AM I POLISHING MY BOOTS...I could live with a bit of that...

I hear you...I went with kind of an impressionistic brush-stroke approach to life on the base, but the more I think about it, I'm warming to the idea of using signs of the men's frustration, desperation, fear, etc., to build a more tense, volatile atmosphere. Thanks.

I actually see her feet up on the desk running the place...

Random thought...I wouldn't be opposed to another woman turning up, with her and Eva having an encounter (a little more defiance to Smith)...

Cough. Keep reading.

Holiday Inn Express Commercials...people are smart who stay there is the point of the campaign, the ads are ordinary people stepping into a situation...like a medical emergency, and are asked, for instance "Are you a doctor", with the response, "No, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night".

The best one is the "rodeo clown", who is really just an ordinary clown presiding over a kid's party, being held at a rodeo, who is giving a guy advice just before he rides a bucking bronco...

Damn, it's getting increasingly difficult to cling to my image of myself as a media critic, while remaining a media shut-out.

Another thought..when my brother was at college he encountered a large group of nude models walking through, I dunno, some classroom building. He said the amount of flesh was so overwhelming there wasn't really anything sexy about it. Point is, there is almost SO much hot sex in this story that I hope readers to fall into diminishing returns. Each vignette, on its own, is hot as hell. Togther, I don't want them to be a bunch of nude model walking through a classroom. I realize where I am in the story, Eva's fucking three guys, BUT, I'm MORE than ready to understand the backdrop, the "dying", and the interpersonal intrigue, the confrontations, etc...

It's funny, even though this story was conceived as being all about sex, in my earlier drafts, there was zero explicit sex. Will I never learn to restrain myself?

With this, as with Hurt, I've fallen into using sex to tell much of the story.

However, I know just what you mean. It's one of many reasons I find porn flicks and sex clubs tragically unerotic; a fifteen-scene pile-up of sex loses the frisson of the jjudiciously-meted bit of explicitness in the context of compelling interactions. rather like eating a bowl of cilantro, versus a sprinkling of flavor in a bowl of soup.

 

[MarshAlien]

. . . rather like eating a bowl of cilantro . . .

This image - or rather, the taste of this image - is going to stay with me for the rest of the week, and I am going to punish you for it.

 

[Varian P]

This image - or rather, the taste of this image - is going to stay with me for the rest of the week, and I am going to punish you for it.

Again with the promise of punishment.

I await with all due anticipation to discover whether I'm being threatened, or teased.

 

[Varian P]

New Chapter Posted

A new chapter of the latest New York Times best-selling novel by Varian, Nobel, Pulitzer, and Golden Globe-winning author...oh, sorry, forgot where or who I was for a minute, there.


After: Eva, Chapter Nine

 

[MarshAlien]

A new chapter of the latest New York Times best-selling novel by Varian, Nobel, Pulitzer, and Golden Globe-winning author...oh, sorry, forgot where or who I was for a minute, there.


After: Eva, Chapter Nine

Don't ya just hate it when that happens? I mean, you know it's just a matter of time, but when it comes out like that, it always sounds just a little too much.

Do they give out Golden Globes for writing? Do you have a dress picked out yet? 'Cause frankly, it had better be a lot hotter than that one you were planning on wearing to the Pulitzer ceremony.

 

[Recidiva]

Don't ya just hate it when that happens? I mean, you know it's just a matter of time, but when it comes out like that, it always sounds just a little too much.

Do they give out Golden Globes for writing? Do you have a dress picked out yet? 'Cause frankly, it had better be a lot hotter than that one you were planning on wearing to the Pulitzer ceremony.

It'd be worse if you spelled Pulitzer wrong in some way.

 

[MarshAlien]

It'd be worse if you spelled Pulitzer wrong in some way.

I know you're laughing at me rather than with me here, but the bad thing is that not only don't I know why, but I don't even know how . . .

 

[Recidiva]

I know you're laughing at me rather than with me here, but the bad thing is that not only don't I know why, but I don't even know how . . .

Well, I'm laughing at you because you're funny.

You're not laughing with me because I'm not.

Dammit.

 

[MarshAlien]

Well, I'm laughing at you because you're funny.

You're not laughing with me because I'm not.

Dammit.

One of the things that makes me an incredibly bad dinner guest is that the only jokes I ever end up getting are my own.

<crosses Recidiva's name off the list of people he hopes will invite him to dinner one day>

 

[Recidiva]

One of the things that makes me an incredibly bad dinner guest is that the only jokes I ever end up getting are my own.

<crosses Recidiva's name off the list of people he hopes will invite him to dinner one day>

Is it wrong of me to want to invite you to dinner to non sequitur you? Not to death. Promise.

 

[MarshAlien]

Is it wrong of me to want to invite you to dinner to non sequitur you? Not to death. Promise.

Certainly not? What can I bring? What time is dinner? Do I make a right or a left when I leave here? Wait a minute, forget that - you have no idea where I live, do you? Do you know whre the 7-Eleven is? Across from the gas station? Give me directions from there.

See you soon.

 

[Recidiva]

Certainly not? What can I bring? What time is dinner? Do I make a right or a left when I leave here? Wait a minute, forget that - you have no idea where I live, do you? Do you know whre the 7-Eleven is? Across from the gas station? Give me directions from there.

See you soon.

Bring Varian. We can spread the punishment! What do you like? I'll send you GPS coordinates. We had a 7-11 but it's been broken into often, now it's a 4-9.

 

[MarshAlien]

Pulitzer, Nobel, and Golden Globe Award winning author Varian P is pleased to announce the publication of her new New York Times best seller, After: Eva, Chapter Nine.

(I just did that so she wouldn't get upset at the extent to which we've jacked this thread).

Bring Varian. We can spread the punishment! What do you like? I'll send you GPS coordinates. We had a 7-11 but it's been broken into often, now it's a 4-9.

See you there. Um, to clarify one small little point, which one of us is it that's going to be punished? Her, right? For that "bowl of cilantro" remark?