AFTER - hoping for some feedback
- Thread starter Varian P
- Start date
Recidiva
Harastal
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2005
- Posts
- 89,726
ninefe2dg said:No need to be jealous. You're both Lit Muses.
Even sick fucks can be sweet from time to time.
V/P I've got some ch8-9 feedback which I'll post later. It might even get this thread back on topic
SHE...gets all the credit. The pronoun does not apply to me. I refuse.
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Recidiva said:
Delighted to be invited! I'll bring my famous heaping bowl of cilantro green salad, just to ensure I get my punishment, as promised (though I have no objections to spreading it around; in fact, I think both you and ninefe2dg deserve rigorous chastening for repeatedly making me blush. So you'd better invite him along, too).
And, please, when you discover a day or two after the dinner that you can no longer find that pirated copy of "Awake," never imagine for a moment that my attendance was a mere ploy to infiltrate your hard drive and destroy any print-outs. That will be a mere added benefit beside the pleasure of the company, the culinary delights, and, again, the punishments.
Last edited:
Now, back to our show...
Ch 8
I’ll lay off “rigid” at this point
I can get you some water, if you're thirsty."
Missing quote
I’m not a stickler over too many things, but shouldn’t “alright” be “all right”?
"Do I accuse you of fucking me just to get off? Or to satiate your massive ego?
Quote issue again. Is the second question spoken or thought?
"And I can hardly blame you. What other means did you have an your disposal, but the ones you've used so adeptly?"
“at your disposal”
Eva relents and Smith's eagle talons release her wrists. Her gaze is tender but her act is defiant: she strips the gown from her body in three quick swipes.
We’ve been through the eagle imagery already. I don’t see Smith as an eagle, military or otherwise (not sure what I do see him as)…if you lose eagle earlier, then “talons” by itself is OK here I suppose.
"I've done horrifying things before, as you say. I'm a soldier. I've been to war. By definition, just doing my duty I've committed atrocities. But I'd never felt myself to be a monster before that night in the mess hall.
Preachy again, but I’d leave it in. Some things need to be said. *putting new anti-war bumper sticker on my car*
It sounds like he is speaking of being diagnosed with an illness.
Great line, overall Smith seems just a bit TOO vulnerable in this chapter. Unless he’s totally bullshitting her?? (I’d be OK with that! If I get a vote that is!)
Ch 9
"Did you mean it, Avery, when you said it was wrong of you to give me to John? That it was wrong of you to make us perform for th e cameras?"
TYPO
"I'm not exaggerating," she says, calm, soft. "The only person who has a right to my body is me. If you keep me locked away, if you control who has access to my cunt, you turn my cunt into a piece of property. It doesn't much matter if it belongs to you, Avery, my lover, or to the state. Major Smith."
She finally taking over?? Always figured she’d be running the joint before too long.
Eva stays still as Jake's soft palm inches over the soft curve below her navel, wandering up and back down again between her hip bones, circling that little swelling again and again, each lap requiring a minute or more. When his palm glides upward, his fingertips trace between her ribs, skirt the vulnerable hollow they outline. She keeps her breathing even and quiet as his touch comes up, as he fits the curve of his thumb and index finger under the curve of her breast. His hand is still for a long time, his body taut behind her, his abdomen shuddering irregularly against her back, maybe with the effort of smoothing and quieting his breathing. Then his thumb moves just half an inch or so, following the smooth curve of her breast up from her ribs, before it descends back down. She stays still. Except for his quiet struggle with his breath, he doesn't move again.
Personal fave, re foreplay, and this sounds as good as the real thing is!
When she shifts and turns to face him in the thick velvet dark Jake sucks in his breath and pulls his hand away. Now he is panting hard and she says nothing. Just draws a gentle hand down his arm, finds his hand, presses it to her belly, holding it to her, and when, except for his trembling and panting he stays still, she draws his hand up, over her swelling dipping swelling belly, and up against the full swell of her breast, up, until his palm is curved over the stiffening peak. Abandoning his hand, she pulls him gently to her. He stays still. With one finger she furrows into his fine, wavy hair, tracing faint abstract shapes over his scalp with her nail.
Gently, then, almost to the point of defying perception, Jake touches her; the curve of his palm and fingers follow her breast's curve, warming the surface so delicately there is no more impact on her flesh than if she'd draped a piece of silk over it. Then, like the brush of a feather his fingertips move over her taut, velveteen skin, circumnavigating the base, gliding up the sleek warm slope. Tracing the outline of the responsive flesh at the summit. Eva kisses his smooth, hot forehead. Jake's fingertips gather to stroke and stiffen her nipple. Eva finds his other hand hidden shy and quiet on the mattress between them, and puts it to her other breast. Jake cups and caresses as she kisses and cradles him.
When she pulls the hem of her tank up, baring her breasts, he makes a soft warm sound, but doesn't put his mouth to her until she flexes and lifts her breast to his lips. He kisses her, at first, like an icon. Reverently. Tremulously. Like a supplicant, desperate for mercy and solace but afraid of tarnishing what his lips touch. But after a while, as she kisses and cradles his head, holding him to her, kissing and sighing against his hair, his mouth goes seeking, needful, like an infant after comfort and nourishment. His touch soft like the caress of draped silk goes firm; the curve of his hands tighten, swelling her soft flesh against his lips; his pious kiss goes hungry, he suckles greedily, needfully, as if his life depends on her sustenance.
Until now she has been soft and quiet, gently offering her tender warmth. But now that he is sucking, her breath is speeding and sounding; her warm, pliant body starts to flex and shudder as his tongue works over her hard, swelling nipples, her beatific expression contorts, her brow goes fretful, her serene smile fades as her lips part with frantic breath.
When she sinks down, onto her back, he follows her, never breaking contact. When she pushes him gently from her he lets out a broken little sob. But then he pushes himself up, off of her, goes still and silent for a moment before shifting himself away. Her hands arrest him, her knees rise to pen him in. Now, while he holds himself over her, she flexes and wiggles out of her underwear. Then, except for stroking his hair and kissing his brow, she is still.
At first he does nothing. Then, shaking, breathing hard, with one hand he undoes his belt and fly and gets his pants down low on his hips. He sinks against her body and for a moment he just lies there, cradled in her arms and softness and warmth. When he does go into her he goes deep, then goes still. She combs fingers through his hair, runs her hand in slow trails down and up the length of his quivering back. Panting, he clings to her and starts to move, thrusting fitfully, sinking deep, then lingering, leaving the depth of her warmth only long enough to allow for the return thrust. When she comes she only groans softly, but keeps her caress gentle and steady, keeps her body soft for him. And when he comes she wraps her arms around him, holding him close but not tight. He stays inside her, wrapped tight around her, clinging to her nurturing heat, his face burrowed in her thick ebony hair, in the curve of her neck, for more than a quarter of an hour. Then he slips down beside her and she holds him close until a long while later they slip back under the surface of their broken sleep.
"I'm usually afraid to go to sleep," he tells her in the morning, "but today when I started to wake up, I didn't want to. I was afraid maybe last night was just a really nice dream."
This has been my favorite sex scene thusfar…
Eva is lying naked next to Jake, the covers down to her waist, the suns slanting rays heating the room and her skin. She has been watching him sleep. Following the amber waves of his fine hair with her eyes. When he was asleep he looked young. Seventeen or eighteen. Now that his eyes—which are hazel and have the look of someone who has been to war—are open, he looks closer to thirty.
I’d watch “amber waves”. Don’t forget some of us are easily sidetracked with more familiar contexts of such a phrase. See also “purple mountain majesty”.
When Jones comes to her, he can't get hard. Somewhere between rage and sorrow, he tries to dress, to leave. But Eva brings him with her, back to the bed, coaxes him to lie down with her, both of them still naked. She curls up behind him, pressing her body close, and for an hour or more strokes his hair, his cheek, his neck, his arms, his chest, his side and hip and thigh. Under her hand he goes from strained and rigid to soft. Quiet. Before he leaves he hugs her, holding her tight for a long time before he finally opens the door to go.
Beat me to it. I was going to suggest you have someone unable to do the deed…
Overall, I like the variety you portray in all the men. I like Lott’s character. Don’t like him, but like the character. I think he’s important to have.
He keeps up the pumping, one finger buried in her ass, the other in her cunt, and brings his tongue back to her slit, lapping at her folds, hitting her clit only now and then, pinning her back down to the mattress each time her hips buck up. She just pants, her breath loud and raspy but voiceless, for the longest time as he works his fingers inside of her, works his mouth over her, but finally her breaths fill up with low, desperate, growling sounds, and when her belly flexes and she curls up with a kind of howl he springs up, lunges, and thrusts his hard cock into her, to the hilt.
“to the hillt”…how about “like nobody’s business”?…”til the cows come home”? J…Sounds like a phrase you use when you can’t think of a better one…like you just said, oh fuck it, we’ll keep “to the hilt” in there as a placeholder…
(You’re good, so I can kid with you.)
She says nothing. Just goes taut as she studies his altered face. For the first time that night, he seems aroused.
What was he when he was fucking her? Or does aroused mean something differently?
"I shood them other boys away so I could take my pleasure slow. He knew. 'Course he knew. Just like you knew in the mess hall.
I think it’s “shooed”.
Grunting, straining, shuddering, Lott comes undone. As his taut, quivering body slowly stills and goes lax he goes on watching Eva cry. Not even trying not to, now. He lowers himself onto his elbows, lets the length of his lithe body settle against hers, touches her tears with his fingertips. Kisses her wet lashes. Then her lips. She doesn't seem to notice him touching her. Care that he's still inside her.
Taut…the new rigid…
I’m still trying to figure out who’s going to inviscerate you over this chapter, and over what. The Lott scene was very powerful. I loved it (from a story standpoint!)
*
Washington hesitates, but not for long. Soon he is inside her, pumping his hips. Little by little he winds himself around her, fingers weaving into her hair, an arm sliding around her waist, holding her against him as he writhes between her thighs sighing breaths of "Baby, oh, God, baby." Those whispers soft as breaths flush and fill out as she curves a hand against his neck, as she strokes his back, pulling him close, stroking his sweat-slick skin. "Please, Baby. Please." And, as he pants and groans and comes, shuddering and clinging to her, he whimpers, "Baby. Oh, God Baby. Please." Wrapping her up tight in his arms he sobs, "Please. Please, Baby. Jen, Baby." He goes on clinging and crying, "Jenny. Jen, Baby. Please. Please."Eva holds him as he weeps three years of tears.
Interesting how you’ve developed the characters through the sex. You mentioned using the sex to tell the story, while I’d still try to keep that in check, revealing the characters this way has created very vivid images of all of them.
Ch 8
I’ll lay off “rigid” at this point
I can get you some water, if you're thirsty."
Missing quote
I’m not a stickler over too many things, but shouldn’t “alright” be “all right”?
"Do I accuse you of fucking me just to get off? Or to satiate your massive ego?
Quote issue again. Is the second question spoken or thought?
"And I can hardly blame you. What other means did you have an your disposal, but the ones you've used so adeptly?"
“at your disposal”
Eva relents and Smith's eagle talons release her wrists. Her gaze is tender but her act is defiant: she strips the gown from her body in three quick swipes.
We’ve been through the eagle imagery already. I don’t see Smith as an eagle, military or otherwise (not sure what I do see him as)…if you lose eagle earlier, then “talons” by itself is OK here I suppose.
"I've done horrifying things before, as you say. I'm a soldier. I've been to war. By definition, just doing my duty I've committed atrocities. But I'd never felt myself to be a monster before that night in the mess hall.
Preachy again, but I’d leave it in. Some things need to be said. *putting new anti-war bumper sticker on my car*
It sounds like he is speaking of being diagnosed with an illness.
Great line, overall Smith seems just a bit TOO vulnerable in this chapter. Unless he’s totally bullshitting her?? (I’d be OK with that! If I get a vote that is!)
Ch 9
"Did you mean it, Avery, when you said it was wrong of you to give me to John? That it was wrong of you to make us perform for th e cameras?"
TYPO
"I'm not exaggerating," she says, calm, soft. "The only person who has a right to my body is me. If you keep me locked away, if you control who has access to my cunt, you turn my cunt into a piece of property. It doesn't much matter if it belongs to you, Avery, my lover, or to the state. Major Smith."
She finally taking over?? Always figured she’d be running the joint before too long.
Eva stays still as Jake's soft palm inches over the soft curve below her navel, wandering up and back down again between her hip bones, circling that little swelling again and again, each lap requiring a minute or more. When his palm glides upward, his fingertips trace between her ribs, skirt the vulnerable hollow they outline. She keeps her breathing even and quiet as his touch comes up, as he fits the curve of his thumb and index finger under the curve of her breast. His hand is still for a long time, his body taut behind her, his abdomen shuddering irregularly against her back, maybe with the effort of smoothing and quieting his breathing. Then his thumb moves just half an inch or so, following the smooth curve of her breast up from her ribs, before it descends back down. She stays still. Except for his quiet struggle with his breath, he doesn't move again.
Personal fave, re foreplay, and this sounds as good as the real thing is!
When she shifts and turns to face him in the thick velvet dark Jake sucks in his breath and pulls his hand away. Now he is panting hard and she says nothing. Just draws a gentle hand down his arm, finds his hand, presses it to her belly, holding it to her, and when, except for his trembling and panting he stays still, she draws his hand up, over her swelling dipping swelling belly, and up against the full swell of her breast, up, until his palm is curved over the stiffening peak. Abandoning his hand, she pulls him gently to her. He stays still. With one finger she furrows into his fine, wavy hair, tracing faint abstract shapes over his scalp with her nail.
Gently, then, almost to the point of defying perception, Jake touches her; the curve of his palm and fingers follow her breast's curve, warming the surface so delicately there is no more impact on her flesh than if she'd draped a piece of silk over it. Then, like the brush of a feather his fingertips move over her taut, velveteen skin, circumnavigating the base, gliding up the sleek warm slope. Tracing the outline of the responsive flesh at the summit. Eva kisses his smooth, hot forehead. Jake's fingertips gather to stroke and stiffen her nipple. Eva finds his other hand hidden shy and quiet on the mattress between them, and puts it to her other breast. Jake cups and caresses as she kisses and cradles him.
When she pulls the hem of her tank up, baring her breasts, he makes a soft warm sound, but doesn't put his mouth to her until she flexes and lifts her breast to his lips. He kisses her, at first, like an icon. Reverently. Tremulously. Like a supplicant, desperate for mercy and solace but afraid of tarnishing what his lips touch. But after a while, as she kisses and cradles his head, holding him to her, kissing and sighing against his hair, his mouth goes seeking, needful, like an infant after comfort and nourishment. His touch soft like the caress of draped silk goes firm; the curve of his hands tighten, swelling her soft flesh against his lips; his pious kiss goes hungry, he suckles greedily, needfully, as if his life depends on her sustenance.
Until now she has been soft and quiet, gently offering her tender warmth. But now that he is sucking, her breath is speeding and sounding; her warm, pliant body starts to flex and shudder as his tongue works over her hard, swelling nipples, her beatific expression contorts, her brow goes fretful, her serene smile fades as her lips part with frantic breath.
When she sinks down, onto her back, he follows her, never breaking contact. When she pushes him gently from her he lets out a broken little sob. But then he pushes himself up, off of her, goes still and silent for a moment before shifting himself away. Her hands arrest him, her knees rise to pen him in. Now, while he holds himself over her, she flexes and wiggles out of her underwear. Then, except for stroking his hair and kissing his brow, she is still.
At first he does nothing. Then, shaking, breathing hard, with one hand he undoes his belt and fly and gets his pants down low on his hips. He sinks against her body and for a moment he just lies there, cradled in her arms and softness and warmth. When he does go into her he goes deep, then goes still. She combs fingers through his hair, runs her hand in slow trails down and up the length of his quivering back. Panting, he clings to her and starts to move, thrusting fitfully, sinking deep, then lingering, leaving the depth of her warmth only long enough to allow for the return thrust. When she comes she only groans softly, but keeps her caress gentle and steady, keeps her body soft for him. And when he comes she wraps her arms around him, holding him close but not tight. He stays inside her, wrapped tight around her, clinging to her nurturing heat, his face burrowed in her thick ebony hair, in the curve of her neck, for more than a quarter of an hour. Then he slips down beside her and she holds him close until a long while later they slip back under the surface of their broken sleep.
"I'm usually afraid to go to sleep," he tells her in the morning, "but today when I started to wake up, I didn't want to. I was afraid maybe last night was just a really nice dream."
This has been my favorite sex scene thusfar…
Eva is lying naked next to Jake, the covers down to her waist, the suns slanting rays heating the room and her skin. She has been watching him sleep. Following the amber waves of his fine hair with her eyes. When he was asleep he looked young. Seventeen or eighteen. Now that his eyes—which are hazel and have the look of someone who has been to war—are open, he looks closer to thirty.
I’d watch “amber waves”. Don’t forget some of us are easily sidetracked with more familiar contexts of such a phrase. See also “purple mountain majesty”.
When Jones comes to her, he can't get hard. Somewhere between rage and sorrow, he tries to dress, to leave. But Eva brings him with her, back to the bed, coaxes him to lie down with her, both of them still naked. She curls up behind him, pressing her body close, and for an hour or more strokes his hair, his cheek, his neck, his arms, his chest, his side and hip and thigh. Under her hand he goes from strained and rigid to soft. Quiet. Before he leaves he hugs her, holding her tight for a long time before he finally opens the door to go.
Beat me to it. I was going to suggest you have someone unable to do the deed…
Overall, I like the variety you portray in all the men. I like Lott’s character. Don’t like him, but like the character. I think he’s important to have.
He keeps up the pumping, one finger buried in her ass, the other in her cunt, and brings his tongue back to her slit, lapping at her folds, hitting her clit only now and then, pinning her back down to the mattress each time her hips buck up. She just pants, her breath loud and raspy but voiceless, for the longest time as he works his fingers inside of her, works his mouth over her, but finally her breaths fill up with low, desperate, growling sounds, and when her belly flexes and she curls up with a kind of howl he springs up, lunges, and thrusts his hard cock into her, to the hilt.
“to the hillt”…how about “like nobody’s business”?…”til the cows come home”? J…Sounds like a phrase you use when you can’t think of a better one…like you just said, oh fuck it, we’ll keep “to the hilt” in there as a placeholder…
(You’re good, so I can kid with you.)
She says nothing. Just goes taut as she studies his altered face. For the first time that night, he seems aroused.
What was he when he was fucking her? Or does aroused mean something differently?
"I shood them other boys away so I could take my pleasure slow. He knew. 'Course he knew. Just like you knew in the mess hall.
I think it’s “shooed”.
Grunting, straining, shuddering, Lott comes undone. As his taut, quivering body slowly stills and goes lax he goes on watching Eva cry. Not even trying not to, now. He lowers himself onto his elbows, lets the length of his lithe body settle against hers, touches her tears with his fingertips. Kisses her wet lashes. Then her lips. She doesn't seem to notice him touching her. Care that he's still inside her.
Taut…the new rigid…
I’m still trying to figure out who’s going to inviscerate you over this chapter, and over what. The Lott scene was very powerful. I loved it (from a story standpoint!)
*
Washington hesitates, but not for long. Soon he is inside her, pumping his hips. Little by little he winds himself around her, fingers weaving into her hair, an arm sliding around her waist, holding her against him as he writhes between her thighs sighing breaths of "Baby, oh, God, baby." Those whispers soft as breaths flush and fill out as she curves a hand against his neck, as she strokes his back, pulling him close, stroking his sweat-slick skin. "Please, Baby. Please." And, as he pants and groans and comes, shuddering and clinging to her, he whimpers, "Baby. Oh, God Baby. Please." Wrapping her up tight in his arms he sobs, "Please. Please, Baby. Jen, Baby." He goes on clinging and crying, "Jenny. Jen, Baby. Please. Please."Eva holds him as he weeps three years of tears.
Interesting how you’ve developed the characters through the sex. You mentioned using the sex to tell the story, while I’d still try to keep that in check, revealing the characters this way has created very vivid images of all of them.
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
Hey there.
My apologies for being so sluggish in responding to this--I'm in the middle of moving (still? again?) and there's some kind of time distortion thing happening in the ten-mile radius around my transitory existence.
But thank you so, so much for yet another substantive critique of my little apocalypse.
But I like it when you give me a hard time.
I just went (through cyberspace) and looked up “alright,” and low and behold, it is a little less accepted than I'd imagined, in the realm of letters. I shall have to curb my recurring enthusiasm for that tarnished little gem.
Well, maybe if I keep clubbing you over the head with the eagle metaphors and imagery, eventually I'll condition you to accept him as eagle-like.
Or not.
Pondering.
Then my work here is done.
I always do this to my strong men. *Sigh.*
I want him to snap and come undone as he finally really caves in to this love that essentially undermines (at least in his mind) everything he's been working for, and of which he really thinks himself unworthy (perhaps rightly so).
Personally, I love the idea of him being so vulnerable at this one moment, for this one person. But perhaps it's too much. And I do worry that, after this, he never really becomes the hard, borderline maniacal Smith we've all come to know and love (or at least, that I've come to know and love).
See, the key is to run the place, without letting Smith realize he's no longer running the place.
Ah, glad to hear it. I gave this scene a small airing a year or so back in the Story Discussion Circle as part of one of those meta-discussion threads on...egad, it might have been showing versus telling, and I wept a little that no one was bowled over. So I'm ever so cheered that you're enjoying it!
Whoa! I'll take that as high praise, indeed, considering how high you've set the flattery bar in times past. It's a very sweet scene, and though not explicitly called out as such, is another one of those “erasing” moments—a recurring theme in this novel.
I'm trying to remember, now, whether I meant to do that, because I have this image of Jake as the uber All-American boy—high school football hero, etc., etc. But probably I meant “auburn waves.” Hmmm...
Gotta sprinkle in a dash of realism now and then.
Not sure what it says about me, but I had/am having a blast writing Lott. It's so much more fun writing “evil” than “good” if I can get all black-and-white for a second.
You've been so generous already, I hate to pester you for yet more, but...I'm curious, when you say Lott's important to have, what you mean by that. I have a very specific goal/function for that character, but I'm not sure it's coming across.
Aha, trite factor five, eh? I actually really like that image – I can just feel the thrusting penetration, the bump of bodies as he hits bottom. But, perhaps it's over-used. Another one to ponder.
I have this image of Lott going through the motions with Eva. Sure, he's in it enough to get hard, and to enjoy her sexually. But fucking with her head is a thousand times more erotic to this guy than getting her naked and getting inside her is.
At that moment in their encounter, for the first time, he's losing himself in the pleasure of the interaction. Probably I can phrase it better.
Yep. Thanks.
I think maybe in the next chapter, turgid will be the new taut. What do you think?
I love that scene on lots of levels. I enjoy the sheer sicko factor of Lott. And I kind of like the fact that, in some ways, Eva blows it, with him. I don't want her all infallible and “wise.”
But...I never know. Or perhaps I should just say, I'm always wrong. Whenever I develop a pair of characters (like Eva and John) I fret that people are going to throw rotten tomatoes at me when she seduces/falls in love with someone else (Smith). That went fine, too, with readers.
But then, I was afraid people would get unhappy that Eva is having sex with everyone on base. I know, it's a porn site, but with all the flack folks get in the Loving Wives category, I keep waiting for my bashing.
Here's some troll bait: I have yet to get really trashed for the non-con elements that are in pretty much every story I write, and that goes for slipping in all the m/m and m/m/f stuff into every longer piece, as well.
*Pout* How come Jenny's got the death threat market cornered?
Ah, dear, you've made me a happy, happy girl. Hopefully in addition to using the sex to reveal the characters of the men, I'm also ahem *showing* how Eva is having an impact on the base.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts on the story. I hope you're still enjoying it enough that reading, at least is more than a favor to me.
-Varian
My apologies for being so sluggish in responding to this--I'm in the middle of moving (still? again?) and there's some kind of time distortion thing happening in the ten-mile radius around my transitory existence.
But thank you so, so much for yet another substantive critique of my little apocalypse.
ninefe2dg said:Ch 8
I’ll lay off “rigid” at this point
But I like it when you give me a hard time.
ninefe2dg said:
I just went (through cyberspace) and looked up “alright,” and low and behold, it is a little less accepted than I'd imagined, in the realm of letters. I shall have to curb my recurring enthusiasm for that tarnished little gem.
ninefe2dg said:
Well, maybe if I keep clubbing you over the head with the eagle metaphors and imagery, eventually I'll condition you to accept him as eagle-like.
Or not.
Pondering.
ninefe2dg said:
Then my work here is done.
ninefe2dg said:
I always do this to my strong men. *Sigh.*
I want him to snap and come undone as he finally really caves in to this love that essentially undermines (at least in his mind) everything he's been working for, and of which he really thinks himself unworthy (perhaps rightly so).
Personally, I love the idea of him being so vulnerable at this one moment, for this one person. But perhaps it's too much. And I do worry that, after this, he never really becomes the hard, borderline maniacal Smith we've all come to know and love (or at least, that I've come to know and love).
ninefe2dg said:
See, the key is to run the place, without letting Smith realize he's no longer running the place.
ninefe2dg said:
Ah, glad to hear it. I gave this scene a small airing a year or so back in the Story Discussion Circle as part of one of those meta-discussion threads on...egad, it might have been showing versus telling, and I wept a little that no one was bowled over. So I'm ever so cheered that you're enjoying it!
ninefe2dg said:
Whoa! I'll take that as high praise, indeed, considering how high you've set the flattery bar in times past. It's a very sweet scene, and though not explicitly called out as such, is another one of those “erasing” moments—a recurring theme in this novel.
ninefe2dg said:
I'm trying to remember, now, whether I meant to do that, because I have this image of Jake as the uber All-American boy—high school football hero, etc., etc. But probably I meant “auburn waves.” Hmmm...
ninefe2dg said:
Gotta sprinkle in a dash of realism now and then.
ninefe2dg said:
Not sure what it says about me, but I had/am having a blast writing Lott. It's so much more fun writing “evil” than “good” if I can get all black-and-white for a second.
You've been so generous already, I hate to pester you for yet more, but...I'm curious, when you say Lott's important to have, what you mean by that. I have a very specific goal/function for that character, but I'm not sure it's coming across.
ninefe2dg said:He keeps up the pumping, one finger buried in her ass, the other in her cunt, and brings his tongue back to her slit, lapping at her folds, hitting her clit only now and then, pinning her back down to the mattress each time her hips buck up. She just pants, her breath loud and raspy but voiceless, for the longest time as he works his fingers inside of her, works his mouth over her, but finally her breaths fill up with low, desperate, growling sounds, and when her belly flexes and she curls up with a kind of howl he springs up, lunges, and thrusts his hard cock into her, to the hilt.
“to the hillt”…how about “like nobody’s business”?…”til the cows come home”? J…Sounds like a phrase you use when you can’t think of a better one…like you just said, oh fuck it, we’ll keep “to the hilt” in there as a placeholder…
(You’re good, so I can kid with you.)
Aha, trite factor five, eh? I actually really like that image – I can just feel the thrusting penetration, the bump of bodies as he hits bottom. But, perhaps it's over-used. Another one to ponder.
ninefe2dg said:
I have this image of Lott going through the motions with Eva. Sure, he's in it enough to get hard, and to enjoy her sexually. But fucking with her head is a thousand times more erotic to this guy than getting her naked and getting inside her is.
At that moment in their encounter, for the first time, he's losing himself in the pleasure of the interaction. Probably I can phrase it better.
ninefe2dg said:
Yep. Thanks.
ninefe2dg said:
I think maybe in the next chapter, turgid will be the new taut. What do you think?
ninefe2dg said:
I love that scene on lots of levels. I enjoy the sheer sicko factor of Lott. And I kind of like the fact that, in some ways, Eva blows it, with him. I don't want her all infallible and “wise.”
But...I never know. Or perhaps I should just say, I'm always wrong. Whenever I develop a pair of characters (like Eva and John) I fret that people are going to throw rotten tomatoes at me when she seduces/falls in love with someone else (Smith). That went fine, too, with readers.
But then, I was afraid people would get unhappy that Eva is having sex with everyone on base. I know, it's a porn site, but with all the flack folks get in the Loving Wives category, I keep waiting for my bashing.
Here's some troll bait: I have yet to get really trashed for the non-con elements that are in pretty much every story I write, and that goes for slipping in all the m/m and m/m/f stuff into every longer piece, as well.
*Pout* How come Jenny's got the death threat market cornered?
ninefe2dg said:
Ah, dear, you've made me a happy, happy girl. Hopefully in addition to using the sex to reveal the characters of the men, I'm also ahem *showing* how Eva is having an impact on the base.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts on the story.
I hope you're still enjoying it enough that reading, at least is more than a favor to me.-Varian
Recidiva
Harastal
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2005
- Posts
- 89,726
Varian P said:
I love cilantro! Thank you! Just what I wanted! I'll serve Pho.
Bloody hell. Don't take my copy...please. I will cry. Wait. That's not a very good incentive. Fuck.
I have to thank you for this thread and the thoughts that go into it. I just womaned up and submitted my first nonconsent. It ain't good, dammit. But it's there. Well, not yet, but eventually! Barring rejection.
It's an absolute pleasure to read anything you write and probably plagiarize it.
Recidiva said:
I just submitted a non-consent, so I've womaned up as well. I think we should have a "Whose Story Sucks Worse" contest. I wrote mine by request and felt a little weird writing it, and I think it shows. I'll bet you a jar of cilantro mine will out-suck yours!
The stuff I've read of yours is delightful. I don't know if that's the reaction you seek, but that's the reaction I have. No need for you to plagiarize/be envious, at least not in my book.
Varian, am running out of time tonight, but I will respond to your response in a bit more detail when I can
Recidiva
Harastal
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2005
- Posts
- 89,726
ninefe2dg said:I just submitted a non-consent, so I've womaned up as well. I think we should have a "Whose Story Sucks Worse" contest. I wrote mine by request and felt a little weird writing it, and I think it shows. I'll bet you a jar of cilantro mine will out-suck yours!
The stuff I've read of yours is delightful. I don't know if that's the reaction you seek, but that's the reaction I have. No need for you to plagiarize/be envious, at least not in my book.
Varian, am running out of time tonight, but I will respond to your response in a bit more detail when I can
Thank you. A friend gave me an excellent compliment today about it, so I'm a happy camper forever about the story. It's nice to have kind and complimentary friends.
More comments...
My pleasure!
Varian P said:Hey there.
My apologies for being so sluggish in responding to this--I'm in the middle of moving (still? again?) and there's some kind of time distortion thing happening in the ten-mile radius around my transitory existence.
But thank you so, so much for yet another substantive critique of my little apocalypse.
Good luck w/ yet another move...yikes!
Well, maybe if I keep clubbing you over the head with the eagle metaphors and imagery, eventually I'll condition you to accept him as eagle-like.
Or not.
Pondering.
To me "eagle" evokes lunar missions and "freedom" (gag)...it's just crowded space. I don't think of eagles as "evil"...
I always do this to my strong men. *Sigh.*
I want him to snap and come undone as he finally really caves in to this love that essentially undermines (at least in his mind) everything he's been working for, and of which he really thinks himself unworthy (perhaps rightly so).
Personally, I love the idea of him being so vulnerable at this one moment, for this one person. But perhaps it's too much. And I do worry that, after this, he never really becomes the hard, borderline maniacal Smith we've all come to know and love (or at least, that I've come to know and love).
borderline maniacal is what I want!! Please! But yes, he should have maybe a teeny bit of vulnerability...
See, the key is to run the place, without letting Smith realize he's no longer running the place.
And no doubt she will succeed!
Not sure what it says about me, but I had/am having a blast writing Lott. It's so much more fun writing “evil” than “good” if I can get all black-and-white for a second.
You've been so generous already, I hate to pester you for yet more, but...I'm curious, when you say Lott's important to have, what you mean by that. I have a very specific goal/function for that character, but I'm not sure it's coming across.
Couple reasons...he brings out Eva's vulnerabilities, as you say. He may even be her "kryptonite". He's also overt evil, vs. Smith's covert evil, which makes him a clever diversion. Also he's a good character to kill off, for whatever reason, later on...gotta have them, too!
Aha, trite factor five, eh? I actually really like that image – I can just feel the thrusting penetration, the bump of bodies as he hits bottom. But, perhaps it's over-used. Another one to ponder.
It was fine, actually, just struck me a little funny
I think maybe in the next chapter, turgid will be the new taut. What do you think?
I think you want me to ride you mercilessly over it
But then, I was afraid people would get unhappy that Eva is having sex with everyone on base. I know, it's a porn site, but with all the flack folks get in the Loving Wives category, I keep waiting for my bashing.
they'll just hafta get over it!
Here's some troll bait: I have yet to get really trashed for the non-con elements that are in pretty much every story I write, and that goes for slipping in all the m/m and m/m/f stuff into every longer piece, as well.
*Pout* How come Jenny's got the death threat market cornered?
f/f please!!
Ah, dear, you've made me a happy, happy girl. Hopefully in addition to using the sex to reveal the characters of the men, I'm also ahem *showing* how Eva is having an impact on the base.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts on the story.
-Varian
My pleasure!
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
ninefe2dg said:
All right, you might just get your way, after that Space 1999 reference.
I meant for the eagle image to put across Smith's physical appearance and the nature of his strength, and aspects of his mannerisms. Smith is a fiercely watchful person, and though he's strong and physically dangerous, he's not at all the beefy, hulking type like John and Riggs.
But I suppose there's no getting away from all the symbolism of U.S. freedom, military might, etc., *barf* that image dredges up, especially given the setting, and Smith's role as military leader.
Varian said:
ninefe2dg said:
Ah, finally, a man who understands me.
ninefe2dg said:
I have yet to write my first f/f scene, but there just might be one in part II of After (yes, that's right, we're still in the first half of the story! So take your vitamins and get plenty of rest if you're hoping to make it to the finish line.
Once again, thanks.
ch 10 and 11
Chapter 10
I found the whole Riggs and Eva's tummy/baby section a much needed relief! (Needed a breather from all the sex)…I loved that section!
All in all, great character development on Riggs. I'm almost starting to like him! (Just like you want us to!!)
I like this quote:
"And somehow I have a picture of Lott like that in my head for every ugly thing that's happened here."
A long overdue BJ…
He is still asleep when she takes him in her mouth. By the time he opens his eyes he is moaning. When he stirs, when he sinks his fingers into her hair, whispers her name, says, "give me your hand," she looks up into his seeking, startled eyes, takes his hand, then coaxes his thighs apart so she can caress his balls as she goes on sucking until that alabaster belly flexes, those lean thighs quiver, and he calls out, "Eva, Eva," and she nurses his climax from him.
Sorry, I don't buy it…this wouldn't take weeks (below)…no way…nope, uh uh…not even days…
It's weeks later, after they've laughed together, after they've slept and woken in each others' arms, when Evan says to Diego, "Is it alright if I really touch you?" and Diego says "Yes," and Evan holds his lover's gaze as he curves his fingers over his stiff cock and slow, soft, moves his touch over him, their bodies faintly writhing, barely rubbing, their excited breaths mingling.
They take everything slow. That first tender caress to climax. The first time, a night later, when Diego takes his lover in his mouth and kisses him to his first bliss since the night they were taken from each other. And, long, tender weeks later, when Diego asks, pleads, and takes Evan in, kisses and whispers and holds him as Evan makes love to him for the first time.
Great line below…it gives Riggs an excuse even though she's well aware she's still alluring as ever…
"It's fine if you don't want to. I realizes I look more like the pumpkin than Cinderella these days—" (it's SOO ninefe2dg, though, to break out a Disney Princess reference)
I love Lott more and more…(and I know you're going to kill him, some time, somewhere…)
"They see a rapist. The man who broke Smith's cardinal rule, and tried to take the one woman left on earth, their beautiful angel, and fuck her like a common whore. They think, if John hadn't been there that day in the orchard, maybe you and your boys woulda raped poor Eva right to death. Now, what man would let someone like that touch their daughter? Much less look after the tiny little baby that's meant to be our salvation from extinction?"
Thinking back, Eva's manipulation/control over Eagle Man (sorry!)…seems a bit too quick. He just seems to have been manipulated maybe just a smidge too easily. Clearly now he's doing whatever she says, and that makes sense at this point…I just want to be convinced a little earlier on she could pull it off…
"What, Eva?"
"What if whoever goes finds other people? What if there's an enclave of survivors in the city? Do you really want those two to be our emissaries? You're going to send them, loaded up, I assume, with weapons, into some huddling group of refugees?"
"What do you think I should do? Should John and I go? Should I send Vallar and Dunn—they're probably the best soldiers I've got."
"No," she says, breaking away from Smith's fiery stare, then meeting it again. "No. I think you should send the two you can most easily trust, and afford to lose."
Chapter 11
Please keep in mind you've got readers like me with 10 cent vocabularies. I had to look up "sylph" in the dictionary. I thought it sounded like a Star Trek character…but I'm smarter now
Hope?? I vote that's too trite. Why not Tiffany or Chelsea or Kaitlyn? Just taking the meaning out of her name, IMHO.
Eva's maternal/protective instincts shine through loud and clear right from the start. I like that quite a bit.
The way girls do this (or variations thereof) is how they wrap daddies around their fingers from the get-go…very insightful! (I'd expect nothing less!!)
When Hope emerges in a cloud of steam from the bathroom she takes in the scene on the bed. Her eyes meet John's and she smiles. Cat-soft she pads around to the far side of the bed and lies down beside Eva, curving an arm over her in the valley between belly and breasts, and falls quietly to sleep.
"God, I love you, Eva." It's the first time he's told her. His smile, even the expression of his eyes, promise he's happy.
'bout time the big lug said it!!
When they emerge from the bathroom, Hope is asleep, curled up at the edge of the bed. Eva curls up behind her, and John behind Eva, matryoshka dolls nested together.
First "sylph", now matryoshka dolls…I'm wearing google out today! Now that I know what there are, it's a great visual…
Smith grins, his expression darker than it was a moment before. "You trust him on his own with her. Don't you?"
He says this in front of Hope??
Re her period, funny, I was wondering, while she was by herself, what she was doing for tampons!
Generally, Hope strikes me as younger than 12…maybe 9 or 10, in her actions. I'm OK with her not knowing what her period was, however, so long as we understand at some point why that is. All things being equal, she should have a pretty good idea what's going on with her body…again, IMHO.
He looks scared out of his mind, but he says, "Don't worry, Eva. We'll have you back at the house in a couple minutes, and I'll get Johna and the major for you. Don't worry."
Typo…Johna…
The Eva/Lott tension in this chapter is palpable. I LOVE IT!!
Am enjoying the break from the non-stop sex!
Chapter 10
I found the whole Riggs and Eva's tummy/baby section a much needed relief! (Needed a breather from all the sex)…I loved that section!
All in all, great character development on Riggs. I'm almost starting to like him! (Just like you want us to!!)
I like this quote:
"And somehow I have a picture of Lott like that in my head for every ugly thing that's happened here."
A long overdue BJ…
He is still asleep when she takes him in her mouth. By the time he opens his eyes he is moaning. When he stirs, when he sinks his fingers into her hair, whispers her name, says, "give me your hand," she looks up into his seeking, startled eyes, takes his hand, then coaxes his thighs apart so she can caress his balls as she goes on sucking until that alabaster belly flexes, those lean thighs quiver, and he calls out, "Eva, Eva," and she nurses his climax from him.
Sorry, I don't buy it…this wouldn't take weeks (below)…no way…nope, uh uh…not even days…
It's weeks later, after they've laughed together, after they've slept and woken in each others' arms, when Evan says to Diego, "Is it alright if I really touch you?" and Diego says "Yes," and Evan holds his lover's gaze as he curves his fingers over his stiff cock and slow, soft, moves his touch over him, their bodies faintly writhing, barely rubbing, their excited breaths mingling.
They take everything slow. That first tender caress to climax. The first time, a night later, when Diego takes his lover in his mouth and kisses him to his first bliss since the night they were taken from each other. And, long, tender weeks later, when Diego asks, pleads, and takes Evan in, kisses and whispers and holds him as Evan makes love to him for the first time.
Great line below…it gives Riggs an excuse even though she's well aware she's still alluring as ever…
"It's fine if you don't want to. I realizes I look more like the pumpkin than Cinderella these days—" (it's SOO ninefe2dg, though, to break out a Disney Princess reference)
I love Lott more and more…(and I know you're going to kill him, some time, somewhere…)
"They see a rapist. The man who broke Smith's cardinal rule, and tried to take the one woman left on earth, their beautiful angel, and fuck her like a common whore. They think, if John hadn't been there that day in the orchard, maybe you and your boys woulda raped poor Eva right to death. Now, what man would let someone like that touch their daughter? Much less look after the tiny little baby that's meant to be our salvation from extinction?"
Thinking back, Eva's manipulation/control over Eagle Man (sorry!)…seems a bit too quick. He just seems to have been manipulated maybe just a smidge too easily. Clearly now he's doing whatever she says, and that makes sense at this point…I just want to be convinced a little earlier on she could pull it off…
"What, Eva?"
"What if whoever goes finds other people? What if there's an enclave of survivors in the city? Do you really want those two to be our emissaries? You're going to send them, loaded up, I assume, with weapons, into some huddling group of refugees?"
"What do you think I should do? Should John and I go? Should I send Vallar and Dunn—they're probably the best soldiers I've got."
"No," she says, breaking away from Smith's fiery stare, then meeting it again. "No. I think you should send the two you can most easily trust, and afford to lose."
Chapter 11
Please keep in mind you've got readers like me with 10 cent vocabularies. I had to look up "sylph" in the dictionary. I thought it sounded like a Star Trek character…but I'm smarter now
Hope?? I vote that's too trite. Why not Tiffany or Chelsea or Kaitlyn? Just taking the meaning out of her name, IMHO.
Eva's maternal/protective instincts shine through loud and clear right from the start. I like that quite a bit.
The way girls do this (or variations thereof) is how they wrap daddies around their fingers from the get-go…very insightful! (I'd expect nothing less!!)
When Hope emerges in a cloud of steam from the bathroom she takes in the scene on the bed. Her eyes meet John's and she smiles. Cat-soft she pads around to the far side of the bed and lies down beside Eva, curving an arm over her in the valley between belly and breasts, and falls quietly to sleep.
"God, I love you, Eva." It's the first time he's told her. His smile, even the expression of his eyes, promise he's happy.
'bout time the big lug said it!!
When they emerge from the bathroom, Hope is asleep, curled up at the edge of the bed. Eva curls up behind her, and John behind Eva, matryoshka dolls nested together.
First "sylph", now matryoshka dolls…I'm wearing google out today! Now that I know what there are, it's a great visual…
Smith grins, his expression darker than it was a moment before. "You trust him on his own with her. Don't you?"
He says this in front of Hope??
Re her period, funny, I was wondering, while she was by herself, what she was doing for tampons!
Generally, Hope strikes me as younger than 12…maybe 9 or 10, in her actions. I'm OK with her not knowing what her period was, however, so long as we understand at some point why that is. All things being equal, she should have a pretty good idea what's going on with her body…again, IMHO.
He looks scared out of his mind, but he says, "Don't worry, Eva. We'll have you back at the house in a couple minutes, and I'll get Johna and the major for you. Don't worry."
Typo…Johna…
The Eva/Lott tension in this chapter is palpable. I LOVE IT!!
Am enjoying the break from the non-stop sex!
Last edited:
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
ninefe2dg said:
Honestly, Riggs turned into a sympathetic character all by himself; it wasn't what I'd planned, at all, but I think it's both more powerful, in the grand scheme of things, and also more interesting and believable. Not everyone who does awful things is a natural-born killer or evil through and through. I'm always more intrigued by shades of gray than the black and white take on things. Glad you're liking it, too!
ninefe2dg said:
Thanks! I like it, too, though I worry a bit I'm clubbing everyone over the head, there. I want it understood that Lott's been working behind the scenes, all along, provoking most of the really shitty behavior that's gone on by preying on everyone's respective fears, insecurities, etc., and that it's not just that everyone's a monomaniacal sex-starved rampaging rapist.
ninefe2dg said:
I went back and forth on how long to have it take for them to reach a point where they'd be able to by physical again. I should probably do some research (something I do far less often than I ought to, for things like this) on survivors of sexual trauma. But, not only were they both raped, but they were both made to feel responsible for the rape of the other. I'd think that level of trauma and guilt would be incredibly hard to get past. I'll give it more thought. Thanks.
ninefe2dg said:
Don't worry, your territory's safe, I had the Grimm version in mind when I wrote that.
ninefe2dg said:
Personally, I'm just really angry at Smith for not having done it a long, long time ago. But, those pesky ethics...
ninefe2dg said:
Yeah... Even though I feel like there was a long, slow arc of her laying the groundwork (more about her getting a feel for him than trying to manipulate him, at first, excepting her first night on base), I think you're right. In a sense, after Smith discovered that Eva'd been having sex with Riggs, and he had her taken from John, imprisoned, and shackled to a bed, I meant for him to have a crisis, at which point he essentially decided he either has to let Eva do as she will, or completely deprive her of all freedom, because she'll always defy his will, when it conflicts with her own. I want him to not only choose Eva's freedom over his carefully wrought plans for the future of their little community, but to finally accept that he's not up to making all the decisions for the base on his own (he may be the ranking officer on base, but he is used to taking orders, himself, from higher-ups, and I believe it's in his nature to his the role of the military as serving the interests of the larger community, not ruling over it, and John and Eva represent that civilian community, to him).
I'm struggling with how to put all that across, without having him give a long expository speech with the subtlety of a flashing neon green arrow.
ninefe2dg said:Chapter 11
Please keep in mind you've got readers like me with 10 cent vocabularies. I had to look up "sylph" in the dictionary. I thought it sounded like a Star Trek character…but I'm smarter now
I like to through the odd five-dollar word in, in the hopes it'll trick someone into thinking I'm smarter than I am.
Besides, you think Gene Roddenberry made up the word Vulcan?
ninefe2dg said:
Hmmm...I don't know. I kind of thought those people would like a simple, symbolic name for her.
ninefe2dg said:
Super—glad that's working alright.
ninefe2dg said:
Now, now—you'll make me blush (again!). I want Hope to be the sort of person who is naturally warm, affectionate, trusting. Eva's been very giving to everyone, and she does have that side to her, but with her, almost everything she does is strategic, at least on some level. I want Hope to be the opposite.
ninefe2dg said:
I know, right?
ninefe2dg said:
I quite like that one, myself.
ninefe2dg said:
Hmmm...I'll give that one some thought.
ninefe2dg said:
Thanks for mentioning this—I was worried that her naivety would seem odd.
I tried to make it clear that she would have only been about eight years old when she was left alone, which I'd hoped would account for why she acts too childishly for her age, and also for her not understanding what her period is, when it comes (in addition to the fact of what happened during “the dying” which was largely about a pandemic of hemorrhagic fever).
But I gather it's not quite working for you?
ninefe2dg said:
Ah, good! I don't want there to be some big crazy disaster in every chapter, but I don't want y'all to start yawning, either!
Once again, thank you so, so much! After my moving-induced hiatus from writing, I'm struggling, a bit, to get back to it. Going through your comments is helping me get my brain back on track, in addition to the usual benefits of helping me to revise what's already there.
-V
Real quick comment, re Hope...I figured she was a little "youngish" acting because she was left alone, so yes, if that was what you were conveying, I'd say that it WAS working...I think I'm feeling overprotective of her, too! In that regard, you're evoking strong emotional feelings, so I'd say it's OK!
Re the dying, this was the first glimpse of what happened (her reaction to her period). I'd just think about why holding out on the history this long is so important. I'm starting to wonder if "what happened" is that important? If we knew early on, does it change the story? If the dying was an attack from outer space, would the story be the same?
Tom Clancy did a book where terrorists figured out how to make an airborne ebola virus (Executive Orders, I think?), which they were going to set off at the Olympics...(not successful, though)...just a caveat!
Re the dying, this was the first glimpse of what happened (her reaction to her period). I'd just think about why holding out on the history this long is so important. I'm starting to wonder if "what happened" is that important? If we knew early on, does it change the story? If the dying was an attack from outer space, would the story be the same?
Tom Clancy did a book where terrorists figured out how to make an airborne ebola virus (Executive Orders, I think?), which they were going to set off at the Olympics...(not successful, though)...just a caveat!
ninefe2dg said:
Hey there, I was half asleep when I wrote this, and not sure the second paragraph (or any paragraph!) made sense...put another way...does "what happened" lose its relavence the longer we don't know what it is? In that respect, can't you just go ahead and 'fess up and be done with it? OR, does knowing too soon cause us to make too much sense of what has transpired to date? Because if the events that have occurred, would have occurred, whether it was ebola, War of the Worlds, Pavarotti farting, then why the mystery?
If that made no sense, I can't blame sleepiness. I hope that was helpful
Oh yes, I just thought Eva AND Hope as names is one too many symbolic names, but as I said before, these are your characters you've gotten to know, and like a baby, to then question their names is perhaps insulting! So just consider it an observation. It probably doesn't really matter.
Dunno if Roddenberry coined the word Vulcan. I think one of Jupiter's moons has that name...(it's right next to Sylph!)
I have a passing Star Trek reference in my current WIP. May also work in a Disney princess to stay true to self!
Hope you're getting settled in!
Varian P
writing again
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2004
- Posts
- 1,429
ninefe2dg said:Hey there, I was half asleep when I wrote this, and not sure the second paragraph (or any paragraph!) made sense...put another way...does "what happened" lose its relavence the longer we don't know what it is? In that respect, can't you just go ahead and 'fess up and be done with it? OR, does knowing too soon cause us to make too much sense of what has transpired to date? Because if the events that have occurred, would have occurred, whether it was ebola, War of the Worlds, Pavarotti farting, then why the mystery?
If that made no sense, I can't blame sleepiness. I hope that was helpful
Indeed, sense was made, and helpful sense it was.
I deliberately hold back on what has happened and what is "out there" during this first half of the story because one of the things I'm attempting to explore, here, is the way that groups go to scary extremes when defending themselves against a danger/an enemy, and to name a particular one would, I feel, somewhat undermine the theme. I really wanted them to be insulating themselves from "something bad" in the vaguest sense, at the military base.
There is a concrete, particular way in which the apocalypse occurred, which will be revealed in some depth in Part II. I won't reveal it all to you here, but I will tell you this: Pavarotti didn't do it alone.
ninefe2dg said:
Oddly enough, I think with this story, the only names I couldn't bear to part with, for different reasons, are: Avery Smith; James Riggs; Kosinski; and, yes, Lott.
On the others, I remain surprisingly flexible. I'm inclined to keep Hope, just because, as I said, I feel like her name speaks to what Eva and the others see in her/her arrival, and it's a name I think they'd really give her. Eva, though, I'm still keen on rethinking that one.
ninefe2dg said:
Adorned, in certain views of the night sky, by the twin stars Romulus and Matryoshka.
ninefe2dg said:
I'd sign on for a fiery romance between Tuvok and the wicked queen from...well, any of them, really.
ninefe2dg said:Hope you're getting settled in!
I'm slacking off on the unpacking, and visiting my mom for a couple days, but it's nice to have dressers again-I was growing pretty weary of rooting around in plastic tubs trying to find matching pairs of socks, not to mention bras and panties. Having more than two glasses to drink out of is nice, too! Ah, civilization!
