Anyone out there who is into BDSM but your partner/spouse is NOT?

[A Desert Rose]

What a bunch of self-righteous, sanctimonious bullshit from ALL sides.

 

[catalina_francisco]

He that is not nice.

You are hurting my feelings poor little me.

Francisco.

 

[ethereal~minx]

I'm into D/s and my so-called-boyfriend says he's not. uh, yeah right.

I think the issue he has difficulty with is that while he's always had "dominant" qualities he's never ventured into the world of BDSM so what he thinks about D/s is colored by the typical sterotypes of what people outside the realm think...

because I've read and read and read so much about it, he is almost threatened by my knowledge~~ somehow perhaps believing that I am wanting the 'stereotype'...

I could be wrong but He is sooo right *smiles* ok, enough gasps~ yeah, there are big difficulties with this and I think it has alot to do w/ his misunderstanding of Dominance & submission~~~
He's innately dominant and oh soo very very good but without the little rules or disciplines or rituals or whatever you call it, it's difficult for me to be the trusting submissive I am capable of being...
I can see that I've --what do you call it, topped from the bottom??? *laughing* I can only believe it's because we have different understandings of who we are in regards to d/s... *wondering if I'm making any sense*
it's nature to me, it's nature to him but there must also be trust
and how do you build trust with such conflicted understanding...

my mistake was (I believe) I told him I was into dominance & submission much too soon in our relationship & from his "outside" view of what it is, it has caused these difficulties in our "relationship"

and then again, I could be waaaay off

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm into D/s and my so-called-boyfriend says he's not. uh, yeah right.

I think the issue he has difficulty with is that while he's always had "dominant" qualities he's never ventured into the world of BDSM so what he thinks about D/s is colored by the typical sterotypes of what people outside the realm think...

Been there, done that, and eventually realised I was flogging a dead horse....pardon the pun. The guy was much happier being dominant, felt it was the way things should be in the vanilla sense, but felt anything to do with the lifestyle was wrong, bad, suspect, and downright ridiculous. I came to realise over time and frustration, that was the reality, he was in the vanilla world, and so entrenched in the stereotypes, hypocrisy, and fears, he could never allow himself the happiness of embracing who he really was. To this day he laments losing me, but still feels I am mad for pursuing what I needed, and marrying the one who was happy to spank, whip, and cane me, while loving me more than I believed any person ever could. Hope you work yours out.

Catalina

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm still forced to wonder if there is a different standard for 'kink' and 'true BDSM', and whether that should be taken into account when making decisions about a lifestyle change. Most of the time, in this sort of thread, I see a marked indifference for the feelings of the SO, which makes me curious as to whther any of these people want to actually be a part of a BDSM relationship, or are just bored and looking for a little spice.

 

[ethereal~minx]

Been there, done that, and eventually realised I was flogging a dead horse....pardon the pun. The guy was much happier being dominant, felt it was the way things should be in the vanilla sense, but felt anything to do with the lifestyle was wrong, bad, suspect, and downright ridiculous. I came to realise over time and frustration, that was the reality, he was in the vanilla world, and so entrenched in the stereotypes, hypocrisy, and fears, he could never allow himself the happiness of embracing who he really was. To this day he laments losing me, but still feels I am mad for pursuing what I needed, and marrying the one who was happy to spank, whip, and cane me, while loving me more than I believed any person ever could. Hope you work yours out.

Catalina

I just checked back after having a mind-blowing although not entirely I suppose unexpected conversation with him...I now firmly agree with you ~ he is so entrenched in his stereotypes, hypocrisy & fears... it's over!!!!!

what a great place this is!!! validation feels so wonderful

 

[catalina_francisco]

I just checked back after having a mind-blowing although not entirely I suppose unexpected conversation with him...I now firmly agree with you ~ he is so entrenched in his stereotypes, hypocrisy & fears... it's over!!!!!

what a great place this is!!! validation feels so wonderful

Sorry to hear you have had to go through such a drama filled episode, but at the risk of sounding heartless, it is better now than in the future when you are married with 2.5 children and a mortgage. Use the experience to positively build a future you want and need, look at what those needs are, and don't settle for less than you know you need to be happy. Was a good piece of advice I was given many years ago and it helped get me to the happy state I am in today.....was rough at times, and I thought about giving in occasionally, but I am so pleased I didn't. Hope this has not left you too shell shocked and sad. Feel free to PM if ever you need to vent or just talk even. Take care.

Catalina

 

[Lady Emerald]

I'm still forced to wonder if there is a different standard for 'kink' and 'true BDSM', and whether that should be taken into account when making decisions about a lifestyle change. Most of the time, in this sort of thread, I see a marked indifference for the feelings of the SO, which makes me curious as to whther any of these people want to actually be a part of a BDSM relationship, or are just bored and looking for a little spice. [/QUOTE

It seems to me most people posting here do care about their SO, do care about their current lives and families. Its because they care they are searching, discussing, debating, inviting opinions (which are often harsh). We do care for, love, and consider our partners and our children that is why we are not rushing headlong into potentially disasterous situations. I have learned a lot reading on this board and some others too.
It seems to me now that being a regular wife has many things in common with being submissive.----All those silly little day to day things we do to keep peace and harmony in the house. I think I've got that part down o.k.-----I'd just like some of the sex to go with it!!LOL

 

[ethereal~minx]

Sorry to hear you have had to go through such a drama filled episode, but at the risk of sounding heartless, it is better now than in the future when you are married with 2.5 children and a mortgage. Use the experience to positively build a future you want and need, look at what those needs are, and don't settle for less than you know you need to be happy. Was a good piece of advice I was given many years ago and it helped get me to the happy state I am in today.....was rough at times, and I thought about giving in occasionally, but I am so pleased I didn't. Hope this has not left you too shell shocked and sad. Feel free to PM if ever you need to vent or just talk even. Take care.

Catalina

no not heartless and yes, it's true "better now than in the future..."
thank you so much Catalina~~ this experience will definitely help me with my tomorrows

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

It seems to me most people posting here do care about their SO, do care about their current lives and families. Its because they care they are searching, discussing, debating, inviting opinions (which are often harsh). We do care for, love, and consider our partners and our children that is why we are not rushing headlong into potentially disasterous situations. I have learned a lot reading on this board and some others too.
It seems to me now that being a regular wife has many things in common with being submissive.----All those silly little day to day things we do to keep peace and harmony in the house. I think I've got that part down o.k.-----I'd just like some of the sex to go with it!!LOL

wouldn't say 'most'...we see a couple of unsatisfied housewives here every week, and it is almost always the same story. It is frankly almost a cliche, and it makes me consider the idea that it is all about being lonely and bored and wanting some romance novel-style passion. It is just like vanilla cheating, except the romance novel in question is 'Story of O' instead of a traditional bodice-ripper.

 

[Lady Emerald]

wouldn't say 'most'...we see a couple of unsatisfied housewives here every week, and it is almost always the same story. It is frankly almost a cliche, and it makes me consider the idea that it is all about being lonely and bored and wanting some romance novel-style passion. It is just like vanilla cheating, except the romance novel in question is 'Story of O' instead of a traditional bodice-ripper.

What makes married women discussing exploring their own wants and desires "a cliche?" Women "unsatisfied housewives" as you call us are as varied a group in society as anyone else--their wants and desires are as valid as yours or anyone elses for that matter---stereotyping such a large section of the population renders your analysis meaningless.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

What makes married women discussing exploring their own wants and desires "a cliche?" Women "unsatisfied housewives" as you call us are as varied a group in society as anyone else--their wants and desires are as valid as yours or anyone elses for that matter---stereotyping such a large section of the population renders your analysis meaningless.

What makes my point valid is the simple evidence of my eyes over the last 6 months. People, especially troubled ones, are imminently predictable. It doesn't take a genius to see patterns, and the pattern I notice among new posters can be confirmed by any of the board regulars. Some married person shows up, claiming to have discovered 'submission' , their SO isn't kinky at all, and then thing play out along one of 3-4 different, pretty regular paths. I'm sure if all the people who post these threads got together and compared notes in a year, they would be shocked to find out that all the stories are very similar.

 

[Lady Emerald]

Johnny--I see your point---its just like when regular horney guys start posting---trying to meet girls, trying to get laid for real or at least cyber, hang around for a while and then decide to grow up to be Doms, chosing for themselves names carefully selected from the aformentioned bodice ripping romantic fiction.

I missed the bit where it says that because many people have the same or similar experience---that makes it invalid or inauthentic!----sort of like Christianity, I guess.

 

[Lady Emerald]

Johnny--I see your point---its just like when regular horney guys start posting---trying to meet girls, trying to get laid for real or at least cyber, hang around for a while and then decide to grow up to be Doms, chosing for themselves names carefully selected from the aformentioned bodice ripping romantic fiction.

I missed the bit where it says that because many people have the same or similar experience---that makes it invalid or inauthentic!----sort of like Christianity, I guess.

 

[A Desert Rose]

What makes my point valid is the simple evidence of my eyes over the last 6 months. People, especially troubled ones, are imminently predictable. It doesn't take a genius to see patterns, and the pattern I notice among new posters can be confirmed by any of the board regulars. Some married person shows up, claiming to have discovered 'submission' , their SO isn't kinky at all, and then thing play out along one of 3-4 different, pretty regular paths. I'm sure if all the people who post these threads got together and compared notes in a year, they would be shocked to find out that all the stories are very similar.

He's right. He sees a pattern that he is not alone in noticing.

And I see nothing in his post that calls you invalid or unauthentic

 

[Lady Emerald]

So, both of you can see patterns in postings---so can I. I think we can all agree on that. Looking back at the library recurring themes whether among women, subs, doms, whatevers are quite common. I suppose its goes in cycles, or fashion, maybe.
I am sorry if I misjudged Johnny's tone or intention in his postings--being sensitive to tone of voice and nuance in a narrative piece I thought I detected a condescending or dismissive tone of voice. Perhaps he welcomes this current discussion.
Many people having the same experiences means just that--seeing it before is neither here non there.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Many people having the same experiences means just that--seeing it before is neither here non there.

I guess what part of the translation is, the stories are the same or very similar, they ask advice, they get a variety of views, some off the cuff, some from real learned experiences, they do what they really were intending to do first off and were often coming here expecting the 'pervert'çommunity to say 'go for it' but they didn't, and then when it creates chaos, come back and want either sympathy or another round of free advice. It gets to the point where some regulars become a bit cynical about the genuine request on the part of the new, dissatisfied poster for realistic thoughts on the situation, and we tend to feel 'here we go again''.

People in the lifestyle do not pretend to have all the answers though many of us have a wealth of life experience to draw on both vanilla and lifestyle, and we also tend to be a little offended at times when it seems we are seen as a playground for bored vanilla's which if the truth be known, are not bored, but have much bigger problems in their relationship they are avoiding, through this method, to deal with. Of course, there are also those who genuinely want to enter this lifestyle choice, but so often the reverse seems to be the final reality.

For those who are genuinely searching for a peaceful answer to their problem, all I can advise is, be honest with yourself first, then others; accept what you need to make you happy; think of how you would want your SO to treat you....in other words, how you would feel if you found they had cheated on you, how you would feel after several years of marriage that your SO had stayed out of pity or some misguided notion you would prefer them too or it would disrupt the family too much, how you would feel to find after that length of time basically your whole adult life had been a farce and wasted the prime years of that life in a relationship that did not have a hope in hell, and lastly how you would feel to have been lied to by the one person you felt you could trust above all others.

Catalina

 

[Dazed&Confused]

belle, LE:

I sympathize with your troubles. I am 40, and have been married since I was 22. My wife isn't just vanilla, she's pure vanilla extract. I've known about my D/s needs since I was a teen, but wasn't smart enough to realize that it existed outside of my little mind. It's only over the last 5 years or so that I've discovered how many people really have the same thoughts/desires as I do (thanks to the internet).

So now what happens? Can't go back in time. My needs in this area have grown slowly over the years, but have positively exploded since I've met like-minded people. At times I really feel like I'm losing my freakin' mind, I'm so frustrated.

Lots of posters have said something like "do what you can that will let you live with yourself". I'm not sure how successful I've been at that. I've drawn a shaky line in my moral standing, and decided that secret online relationships were acceptable, r/l wasn't. Standing back and reading that statement - I can't really defend it. But it's what I chose, period. However, I'm not sure how much good it's done me, or how much harm. I'm still as screwed up and frustrated as before, only now I *know* there are people out there who could make me happy in this area, who might make me complete. At first, when I discovered this, I passed a period where I hated my wife, and felt nothing but resentment. I wanted to be single, and have no children. I was having a childish emotional tantrum, I think. Anyway, fortunately those feelings passed.

I refuse to break up my family. Part of me thinks that maybe, after the kids have moved out, I'll be free to go. But that's not right either. My beautiful wife has given me and our family the best years of her life. Can I really dump her in her mid-40s to go satisfy my urges? She's my best friend. She's the most awesome mother I could have wished for my kids. So no, I won't leave her. I think. Who knows how much control my penis will end up having over my brain and my heart.

The start of this thread was asking for advice or success stories with vanilla spouses. I guess I haven't helped in that area, all I can do is whine and say "poor me"

Here's to reincarnation!
D&C

 

[Pure]

A couple married women turn up, who are feeling some 'kinks,' want to talk, but give no special plans:

Johnny, from six months observation, sees a pattern of bored, superficial "housewives" looking for romance and possibly inclined to adultery. Finds them "troubled" and "imminently[?] predictable,' though is a little unsure how to spell it.

Johnny
we see a couple of unsatisfied housewives here every week, and it is almost always the same story. It is frankly almost a cliche, and it makes me consider the idea that it is all about being lonely and bored and wanting some romance novel-style passion. It is just like vanilla cheating, except the romance novel in question is 'Story of O' instead of a traditional bodice-ripper.
[...]

People, especially troubled ones, are imminently predictable. It doesn't take a genius to see patterns, and the pattern I notice among new posters can be confirmed by any of the board regulars. Some married person shows up, claiming to have discovered 'submission' , their SO isn't kinky at all, and then thing play out along one of 3-4 different, pretty regular paths.

=======

Catalina, long time S, does not sound quite as sexist, but notes these posters, sex unspecified, are mostly seeking a 'go for it' from the pervs. The ethical pervs like Catalina refuse, and the posters do what they were going to do anyway, creating chaos. Which all the better pervs, of well ordered lives, knew would happen, and oh how boring the whole cycle gets.


I guess what part of the translation is, the stories are the same or very similar, they ask advice, they get a variety of views, some off the cuff, some from real learned experiences, they do what they really were intending to do first off and were often coming here expecting the 'pervert'çommunity to say 'go for it' but they didn't, and then when it creates chaos, come back and want either sympathy or another round of free advice. It gets to the point where some regulars become a bit cynical about the genuine request on the part of the new, dissatisfied poster for realistic thoughts on the situation, and we tend to feel 'here we go again''.

People in the lifestyle do not pretend to have all the answers though many of us have a wealth of life experience to draw on both vanilla and lifestyle, and we also tend to be a little offended at times when it seems we are seen as a playground for bored vanilla's which if the truth be known, are not bored, but have much bigger problems in their relationship they are avoiding, through this method, to deal with.

Johnny finds them troubled, and Catalina finds they've got 'bigger problems', and presumably they need lotsa counselling which Johnny is learning and Catalina, professional helper of the troubled, can do a bit of, online, if properly respected.

Well, that's some of the self-appointed 'welcoming committee' folks. (Not meaning to slight the well intentioned cheers from the desert briar, and some others.)

Dissatisfied persons in marriages, like dissatisfied persons in their jobs are just so DAMN predictable. Some stay; some leave. God, how boring.

It's lucky the welcoming committee is here to let folks, esp the troubled, superficial housewives, know how truly boring the whole topic is:

Further it's especially fortunate that the few self-said ''ethical" types take their precious time to read the boring stories of the ethically challenged, and tell the 'right path' to the predictably adulterous housewives. And point out to the latter--and all of us selfish ones-- the moral darkness in which the 'troubled' souls live.

Ain't it grand?

J.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=201735

 

[Pure]

If only the welcoming commitee could come together on issues!

Catalina:

The only rule I would ask everyone to respect is that negativity be non-existant in this place meant to heal and nurture, not injure and alienate.

Johnny M:


we see a couple of unsatisfied housewives here every week, and it is almost always the same story. It is frankly almost a cliche, and it makes me consider the idea that it is all about being lonely and bored and wanting some romance novel-style passion. It is just like vanilla cheating, except the romance novel in question is 'Story of O' instead of a traditional bodice-ripper.



(positive energy to the diagnosticians!)

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Something to think about, too...when you find your sexual urges going through the roof, isn't that a sign of mental problems? I don't mean insanity, so much as I mean taht people wanting to 'act out' sexually are usually doing it to cover some other problem in their life.

 

[Netzach]

Let me see if I can summarize this.

If you find yourself with a desire for D/s, for TPE for "real" BDSM, then a complete re-evaluation of your life is in order and maybe it's best if you move on.

If you have a desire for "mere" SM, "kinky sex" "a bit of slap and tickle" you are deranged for considering giving up on a relationship that will never provide this.

In other words, people who seek sexual satisfaction or SM satisfaction (perhaps on the scale Laura Antoniou talks about?) should just get over it, it's petty.

I think a life of sexual frustration is worth getting out of, personally, and I think one should do this fairly unapologetically. Children don't benefit from intact and resentful families, spouses don't benefit from association by guilt, life is too short.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Let me see if I can summarize this.

If you find yourself with a desire for D/s, for TPE for "real" BDSM, then a complete re-evaluation of your life is in order and maybe it's best if you move on.

If you have a desire for "mere" SM, "kinky sex" "a bit of slap and tickle" you are deranged for considering giving up on a relationship that will never provide this.

In other words, people who seek sexual satisfaction or SM satisfaction (perhaps on the scale Laura Antoniou talks about?) should just get over it, it's petty.

I think a life of sexual frustration is worth getting out of, personally, and I think one should do this fairly unapologetically. Children don't benefit from intact and resentful families, spouses don't benefit from association by guilt, life is too short.

Uh huh, I'm with you on the idea of just breaking up. As far as the rest, well...like I posted before, I think many people are looking for some sort of magical romance and passion bullshit, and THAT might just be a phase, a 'midlife crisis', and they should maybe go to a therapist.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Children don't benefit from intact and resentful families, spouses don't benefit from association by guilt, life is too short.

My sentiments exactly...living a lie rarely benifits anyone, though guilt keeps many people from seeing that reallity so they try and tough it out in the mistaken belief it is for the best. What many don't realise is children are very perceptive little creatures usually, though they know to keep their mouths shut when adults don't want to know.

Catalina