BDSM and Grief

[Luna_Wolf72]

Fm~

You are a very strong woman and I salute you.

First~ I want to offer a willing ear to listen if you ever have need of one. I know about loss~not in the BDSM sense but a loss is a loss. It all hurts the same, only the way you deal changes.

Second~is there anyone around you that can provide you with some sort of emotional support at this time? Loving yourself is just as important as wanting/loving your S/o, especially at this juncture.

I lost my baby sister to leukemia when I was 14 (she was 12). It was a 7 year battle, through two different forms. I do understand the heartache of it, even if it was my sibling and not my love. So I want to reiterate that if you need to vent, I listen very well.

Lastly~you can't change how others perceive you. All you can do is what you are doing; following your Lady's wishes and making things as easy for her as you can. That shows a depth of love and support that can never be denied. I am sure your Lady knows that it is hard on you and I am sure she appreciates all that you do, even if her family doesn't. It sucks that you are having to take a backseat but you are doing what's needed. That makes you a saint, in my personal estimation.

Anyway, I wish I could offer you some words of comfort, some sage advice...but I can't. Just know that if you ever need me, I am willing to listen.

 

[Seurat]

I have been invited to a group thing through CRUSE but I just don't know whether I can stand up in front of a bunch of nilla people and talk frankly about G and I.

Go. Go, go, go go go. The people there aren't there to be judgemental about your life and how you live it. They are there to support one another. Take part in it. Take advantage of the support.

I buried my father six and a half years ago because of cancer, and sought no help. I am in the year of firsts for my mother, who died of cancer. I am were you are now - I don't care about much - and was just diagnosed with it myself. If you don't continue to let people help you, it will get worse.

I know that it is tough (extremely so) but you need to seek out others. Online is good, in person is better. It will help you and her, both.

If you need somebody to push you, I will personally start a thread and have people tell you to get off your ass and seek out personal help. You need it now, you will need it in the future.






So, get off your ass. I expect a truthful reply where you say that you have sought out a group or a person to talk to. Otherwise, I will start a campaign. Call it tough love, call it domination forcing you to do something you don't want to do, call it banana cream pie. I don't care, as long as you seek out help.


*edit. No joking, please. No humor meant. Hate me if you want for being crass. But seek somebody out; somebody who knows how to deal with this.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

So, get off your ass. I expect a truthful reply where you say that you have sought out a group or a person to talk to. Otherwise, I will start a campaign. Call it tough love, call it domination forcing you to do something you don't want to do, call it banana cream pie. I don't care, as long as you seek out help.

*edit. No joking, please. No humor meant. Hate me if you want for being crass. But seek somebody out; somebody who knows how to deal with this.

Quoted for truth....

 

[FloggingMolly]

I'm sorry I've nothing useful to add, but you'll both be in my thoughts

 

[YourCaptor]

Don’t step back, get some private time with her. Talk to the nurses, bring security, a bouncer, whatever it takes. Talk to or leave a note for her family so they know in advanced when you will have your time with her, that way if they show up with excuses, they knew ahead of time, so you'll have full rite to kick them out.

The best thing you can do for her now is get that private moment and just hold her in your arms/or let her hold you, and don’t let go. Tell her you love her, it’s just good to have it plain and simple out there. If you can only do that, things will be better for her, because when you are dying that is all that matters, everything else is just a game.

Don’t focus on death, remember the good times, all those little moment that are important to you two. Celebrate her life. Make her laugh, tell those dumb jokes or whatever it is you two have, make her feel good.
If she cries let her, it’s won’t be a call for help, more of an emotional landslide, she needs one.

Don’t hold back your affection, just put it all out there. Don’t worry too much about making all things right or creating some perfect moment, life is full of flaws, lot’s of speed bumps lots of things we’ll never seen, but that’s what makes it interesting. Just let things be.

It’s going to be hard, possibly harder for you then it is for her. She will get closure, you’ll still have to live with it. The only thing you can do is just keep pushing and some distant day you’ll notice that the pain is less.

 

[C Stephen]

Don't Forget to take care of yourself

There is lots of excellent advice here. Make sure to take care of your needs as well as her's. If she knows in her heart that you are and will be alright it will make the transition easier for her also.
The family makes it an extra kind of hell for all of you. Don't let them keep you from being present and supportive. It may help if all of you can discuss your feelings with a third party since it seems like both you and her family love her and are feeling loss and fear. Her caregivers may be able to help you with this. Much of what hospice care is about is helping the loved ones.

Know that you are not alone in this.

 

[Essene]

I'm going to get G alone today. After I talk to her I'm going to speak to her team about visiting. Having so many people around her is an infection risk and G has no immune system left. I'm going to try and have her status changed to reflect how vulnerable she is. She was in an isolation room for a while that people had to scrub in and out of and it did have an effect on visiting. This weekend was just ridiculous for visiting and they don't even do anything useful, unless you count prayer. A nurse has even told me that they asked about taking G down to the hospital chapel on a Sunday. It's a multifaith space for people to worship as they choose with a Chaplain who talks to people of all religions. I don't understand why they think it's necessary to drag her down there for God to hear her but I think it's another infection risk and an unnecessary one.

So I'm about to be really unpopular.

Hey love,

And another thing - if G wants to see a chaplain, I'm pretty sure they make house-calls; even in the hospital. I actually belong to a church (yes, a Christian one), but only because they're gay friendly. -Like several members of the board are queer. People can pray on their own, at home. I'd say that visiting at this point for non-essential family, is strictly for good-bye's.

Any thoughts on hospice care? Has anyone talked to you about moving G somewhere more comfortable?

I hope things went well today. I'd also reiterate with the nurses that you are the go-to person. Sometimes even well-trained staff may hear "they're the family" and not realize that they are not the same as the contact person or health care proxy.

Just keep at it. This is your final time with G too. Fight the good fight for the both of you.

My heart goes out to you, let me know if you need or want anything. I'm around.


-E

 

[yeishia]

FM you are in my heart and thoughts every minute of every day, close your eyes and imagine my arms around you holding you close.........

 

[Bette_coquette]

I have no words, but you both are in my thoughts.

 

[fuckmeat]

So, I told my counsellor about the M/s side to G and I's relationship. He was a bit taken aback and asked lots of questions, which I suppose is a good thing. It felt like I was giving him a lesson on M/s though, rather than getting counselling. I guess that'll happen later once he's processed our M/s and got his focus back on helping me. It did help to talk about G like that, but I did find myself defending my submission quite a bit. He asked questions about my motivation in wanting such a dynamic and I think he's satisfied now that I am in a relationship that is healthy for me. I've never gone into depth about G and I with someone so vanilla and it was interesting to see how he processed it. I didn't talk much about the sexual side of things but I did explain why we both wanted and needed our dynamic to be more than bedroom only. I have no idea yet how he'll be about it next time I see him.

I asked about the local CRUSE group and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. He thinks that exposing myself to scrutiny and judgement about the nature of G and I's relationship could be damaging to me. The local group is apparently comprised of much older people right now, which I can believe because we live in a predominantly Christian, rural area where nobody does anything interesting. I'm pretty sure that G is the only black person in our village and I'd lay money that we're the only openly gay couple here. But for the moment, talking with my counsellor about M/s has been enough of a leap for me.

I tried talking with a very good friend of mine. He owns/runs the local GLBT friendly pub (well, not really local but the closest one to us, which is in the nearest town) and is a bit of a local agony uncle. He wasn't able to take the kink side of things seriously though, which was a shame. I regret trying to discuss it with him now because he keeps making salacious jokes about it. Live and learn I guess. On the plus side, he's letting me do the occasional shift behind the bar, to help me take my mind of things and stop me going stir crazy.

I have had a bit of a showdown with G's family. I was talking privately with her oncology consultant and I burst into tears. He knew things were difficult between G's family and I but not that even visiting was becoming a battleground. He was really nice. He summoned the hospital chaplain and asked me to explain my side of things, which I did. The chaplain fetched G's parents in (leaving 3 other assorted relatives to man the bedside) and basically told them off for being so uncharitable towards me. He said that whatever G's sins were in their eyes, it was not their place to judge her choices, only God's. He also said that whatever sins G had committed would be paid for when she died, making them pretty much irrelevant right now. He referred to me as G's widow, which was a label I had never considered for myself. I think it conveyed to them though that my grief is no less than that of a hetero widow's. He even said that they were alienating me from God by being bad examples of Christians and that how they acted at this time might determine whether I ever choose to form my own relationship with God. So it was quite heavy stuff.

The oncologist then stepped in and said that G wasn't strong enough for so many visitors, no matter how well meaning they might be. He also reiterated the infection risk to her, which could easily shorten the time she has left. He has also decided to enforce stricter infection control protocols on G's room. Visiting for the family is now limited to between 2pm and 8pm, with a maximum of three people sitting with her at any one time. I can visit when I like though, which is going to be earlier in the day because I can help with her personal care and be present when the doctors do their rounds. He also spoke to G and made it clear that if she doesn't feel up to visitors on any given day, they will be turned away by staff.

G's parents weren't very happy about all this. They said the hospital was pandering to my 'hysterics' simply because they wanted to appear politically correct. They also said that people were travelling from Tobago to see her. The oncologist actually said that visitors from a tropical climate, who have just been on long haul flights and almost certainly picked up a virus to incubate somewhere over the Atlantic, were out of the question. He went even further and said that if the family choose to ignore his advice regarding overseas visitors, they will be doing G a huge disservice. I felt a bit bad about that but I can see his logic. The oncologist also said that because I have been chosen by G to handle her care, discussion with the family is inappropriate and compromises G's right to total confidentiality. This basically means that they don't have the right to give the staff the third degree any more, they can only ask G about her care. He even talked to the ward manager about what the nursing staff should and shouldn't be discussing with G's family. I felt a bit bad about that too but it'll be such a relief, so long as they don't go over the top and quiz G into a coma. G's parents were thoroughly unthrilled and left muttering darkly about making a formal complaint.

So that was Friday.

I feel better about everything now but relations between the family and I (if there ever were any) have completely collapsed. They manage to find fault with her care wherever they look. They blame me for the fact that family in Tobago can't visit. They've been bitching to G and I'm hoping that now their 'holier than thou' mask has slipped a little, she'll remember what they're really like and tell them all to leave her alone. G has even been talking about having their visiting time reduced further. She definitely seems more tranquil now that she has more time to herself and she's stopped talking about God, which is a great relief to me. The chaplain has stopped by and he talked with her about why some Christian churches have decided to accept homosexuals, which I think helped.

So things have definitely improved.

Thanks again for all the advice and well wishing. I'm sorry I haven't replied to each post. Thanks also to everyone who has pm'd me. I'm working my way through replying to those.

 

[Cattypuss]

On balance, ths is really good news, isn't it?

 

[MisterSir]

The chaplain fetched G's parents in (leaving 3 other assorted relatives to man the bedside) and basically told them off for being so uncharitable towards me. He said that whatever G's sins were in their eyes, it was not their place to judge her choices, only God's

With the amount you hear about religious fundamentalism, sometimes it's nice to be reminded they're not all like that.

 

[fuckmeat]

On balance, ths is really good news, isn't it?

Yep

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Yep

Good to hear.

Now keep working on getting yourself back on track.

 

[4bidnfruit]

With the amount you hear about religious fundamentalism, sometimes it's nice to be reminded they're not all like that.

That’s a fact! Undoubtedly, they ran to their own spiritual advisor to confirm their hate but he might surprise them as well. I hope that they accept the wakeup call before it’s too late.


Fuckmeat~ I hope new support you have found will give you strength to take care of yourself.

Best of luck!

 

[Netzach]

Don’t step back, get some private time with her. Talk to the nurses, bring security, a bouncer, whatever it takes. Talk to or leave a note for her family so they know in advanced when you will have your time with her, that way if they show up with excuses, they knew ahead of time, so you'll have full rite to kick them out.

The best thing you can do for her now is get that private moment and just hold her in your arms/or let her hold you, and don’t let go. Tell her you love her, it’s just good to have it plain and simple out there. If you can only do that, things will be better for her, because when you are dying that is all that matters, everything else is just a game.

Don’t focus on death, remember the good times, all those little moment that are important to you two. Celebrate her life. Make her laugh, tell those dumb jokes or whatever it is you two have, make her feel good.
If she cries let her, it’s won’t be a call for help, more of an emotional landslide, she needs one.

Don’t hold back your affection, just put it all out there. Don’t worry too much about making all things right or creating some perfect moment, life is full of flaws, lot’s of speed bumps lots of things we’ll never seen, but that’s what makes it interesting. Just let things be.

It’s going to be hard, possibly harder for you then it is for her. She will get closure, you’ll still have to live with it. The only thing you can do is just keep pushing and some distant day you’ll notice that the pain is less.

This. x10.

It has to be about her. It sounds like the family has lost track of this, risking infection and putting her through proposed trips to the chapel when the chaplain clearly can make it to her. It sounds like the hospital is going to be more protective of what she wants. Use your time with her to love her and ask what she needs and honor that above all else. You don't need anyone else to like you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I can't fathom. You're in my thoughts.

 

[Sophie_pussy]

Good Girl!

You really stepped up for her. I'm so glad that the medical staff and the chaplain were so helpful and supportive. If any of the staff discuss her care with them and/or make decisions based on their opinion, file a complaint. It's time for you to dominate that family and take charge of this situation. You're doing a wonderful job. It sounds like the chaplain may be a good person to talk to. It's crazy how people react in these situations. I'm so sad that the friend you chose to talk to is making light of your relationship. I agree about CRUSE. There aren't many of us young widows in the world. You might check out gilda's club. I'm not sure if there is one in your area, but they might have a group that's more tailored to your needs.

In any relationship, we count on each other to hold ourselves up. When that support is absent, it's really hard to know how to feel or what to do. You will find your legs again, some day.

When I was caregiver, if someone told me to "take care of myself". I'd be saying, yes I know. I'm trying. Yes, I'm eating, etc.. In my mind I was thinking "WHY????? Who gives a shit about me right now? T's GOING TO DIE!!!!" After his death it was "WHY??? Who gives a shit about me right now? T's DEAD!!!" Just do the best you can. You sound like a strong, loving, smart and supportive woman. Work to continue to make her proud. You're doing a wonderful job.

Finally, I have to ask if she has a will. You already said that what happens to her body has been decided. I'm very concerned about what her family will do after she passes. They will have free reign to be horrible to you when she passes as she won't be there to shame them. Make sure that you have all of the keys to your home. I've heard horror stories about families going in and taking things without permission and this from hetero, married, couple's homes with children, and 20 year marriages. I just want to make sure that you are as protected as you can be.

Again, if you ever need to talk, send me a message. You can ask me anything.

I'm very very proud of you. I'm guessing that G is too.

 

[YourCaptor]

Don't feel guilty. When people shove they shouldn't be surprised when someone throws a punch.

That doesn't mean you need to be mean yourself, you can be nice and accommodate them, as far as they don't do anything stupid.

And I really would keep those distant travelers out of the room. Don't those rooms usually have really large windows? They can sand by the window and wave, hold up signs, that's how everyone else does it.

 

[Kikori]

Let her family be pissed. It's their own problem that they don't believe in their own child's happiness as much as their own strict adherence to a religion; this may be only my own personal belief, but anyone who chooses God over their own child isn't fit to be a parent. :<

She's pretty much all yours to care for now, right? ^_^ (Excluding the actual doctoring, of course, but...)

 

[Homburg]

FM, it sounds like the faculty there has their priorities straight. Good for you.

--

With the amount you hear about religious fundamentalism, sometimes it's nice to be reminded they're not all like that.

As a decided atheist, it has been my experience that hospital chaplains are genuinely decent people more often than not. They deal with this sort of thing far too often, and the compassion is evident.

 

[sb2009]

All in all, it sounds like some good stuff has happend.

About the therapist - I ventured a bit to talk to my therapist and well, it was a bit odd. I ended up really making it seem like we just tried a bit of "slap and tickle" and that our trip to the club was a dance on the wild side....which releived her, and made me now more cautious than ever.

However, if he is a good therapist and can help you with the gried and the isolation issues, then that will be a good thing for you to continue.

Have you looked online for some grief support groups? They may have chat or something. Not the same, I know.

I really wish I could step through the computer and take you out to tea and just help you. It seems so very sad for you to go through losing your Mistress and have to deal with all the other bs too.

I think of you every day, though, and while i don't pray, I do send positive thoughts out that you will find strenght and peace.

 

[fuckmeat]

As a decided atheist, it has been my experience that hospital chaplains are genuinely decent people more often than not. They deal with this sort of thing far too often, and the compassion is evident.

Yep.

His personal brand of Christianity is Anglican but the hospital chaplaincy is multi-faith so he's well educated about other people's beliefs and how to offer them comfort within the framework of their own faith. The hospital wouldn't hire someone who was biased about religion, sexuality or anything else. The chaplain must adhere to the same anti-discrimination laws as any other employee.

 

[Seurat]

FM, I'm very glad to hear about the advance in the situation, however poor it remains. I can only hope that the what can improve, does. It sounds like you are doing the right things. Stay focussed.

Forget about the rest of them; it's not about them.

 

[Essene]

Yep.

His personal brand of Christianity is Anglican but the hospital chaplaincy is multi-faith so he's well educated about other people's beliefs and how to offer them comfort within the framework of their own faith. The hospital wouldn't hire someone who was biased about religion, sexuality or anything else. The chaplain must adhere to the same anti-discrimination laws as any other employee.

I'm relieved to hear that G's wishes are being honored, and that you're feeling a bit better.

 

[Black_Bunny]

Perhaps you could point your counsellor in the direction of some good M/s information? A counsellor should always be looking to educate themselves. When I mentioned to my sex counsellor about BDSM, she admitted that she wasn't very up to scratch with it and scolded herself for not having learnt more about it already.

FM, I am so, so happy that you've passed the particular hurdle with the hospital and G's family. I know it makes things harder with the family, but it must be so nice to know that the hospital is on your side, and most importantly that G is better off for these latest events. Good on you for continuing to fight for what you know is in G's best interests, let this positive turn of events bring you renewed strength