BDSM and Grief

[where]

S

I have had a bit of a showdown with G's family. I was talking privately with her oncology consultant and I burst into tears. He knew things were difficult between G's family and I but not that even visiting was becoming a battleground. He was really nice. He summoned the hospital chaplain and asked me to explain my side of things, which I did. The chaplain fetched G's parents in (leaving 3 other assorted relatives to man the bedside) and basically told them off for being so uncharitable towards me. He said that whatever G's sins were in their eyes, it was not their place to judge her choices, only God's. He also said that whatever sins G had committed would be paid for when she died, making them pretty much irrelevant right now. He referred to me as G's widow, which was a label I had never considered for myself. I think it conveyed to them though that my grief is no less than that of a hetero widow's. He even said that they were alienating me from God by being bad examples of Christians and that how they acted at this time might determine whether I ever choose to form my own relationship with God. So it was quite heavy stuff.

The oncologist then stepped in and said that G wasn't strong enough for so many visitors, no matter how well meaning they might be. He also reiterated the infection risk to her, which could easily shorten the time she has left. He has also decided to enforce stricter infection control protocols on G's room. Visiting for the family is now limited to between 2pm and 8pm, with a maximum of three people sitting with her at any one time. I can visit when I like though, which is going to be earlier in the day because I can help with her personal care and be present when the doctors do their rounds. He also spoke to G and made it clear that if she doesn't feel up to visitors on any given day, they will be turned away by staff.

G's parents weren't very happy about all this. They said the hospital was pandering to my 'hysterics' simply because they wanted to appear politically correct.

I'm glad this has happened, but was also wondering if perhaps there is time to arrange a civil partnership if G is up to it? I'm thinking about for later on after you lose her, it might be useful.

anyway, my thoughts are with you both.

 

[coastal-boy]

this thread is a perfect example of why I respect the people here.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Perhaps you could point your counsellor in the direction of some good M/s information? A counsellor should always be looking to educate themselves. When I mentioned to my sex counsellor about BDSM, she admitted that she wasn't very up to scratch with it and scolded herself for not having learnt more about it already.

I was going to suggest this as well.

Maybe print out some articles on D/s or give him some links to articles so he can better understand the dynamic and lifestyle. That way you don't have to explain every little thing to him.

Who knows, you might be able to make him a kink friendly counselor in the end.

 

[sb2009]

Just wanted to let FM know I"m thinking of her and reminding her to take care of herself...take a nice long shower, read a bit, relax.

 

[YourDemonLover]

I am thinking of you also.

 

[JennyNo1]

I have never posted on this forum before, and our Lit paths haven't crossed. But I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you....I know it isn't the same as having someone there to hug you and let you cry on their shoulder, but I hope it helps to know how many here hold you in their thoughts and, yes, in their prayers. Reading of your struggle and your pain, I see more clearly than ever that it doesn't matter who we love, but that we love. Please always remember how much G loves you. Take care of yourself as you give her all the love and care she needs right now.

 

[JckHmmr_2000]

I know this is late, but the first post in this thread was heart-wrenching to read.

My sincere condolences and sympathies.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Can I add my late support, too? I was away from Lit when you originally posted. I've just read through this thread and been very moved by it.

On the 5th of November my niece is marrying her long-term girlfriend Rachel, who has terminal liver cancer. For a long time Rachel's parents wouldn't accept that she was gay, but fortunately now they do, and that area of conflict is removed. But knowing that your lover is dying and being unable to do anything about it is very hard.

My best wishes and thoughts to you.

 

[NomadLady]

Thanks for your post FM and I am sorry for your loss and the enduring, unneccessary agony your partner's family put you through. I've never heard of anticipatory grief but as a live in caregiver for an elderly parent I will look into that because after being here with her for almost a year now I can see that counseling is something I should seek out.
Please know that you don't suffer alone even though the grief/suffering isn't exactly the same, but when you hurt so deeply inside the reasons aren't so important as the comfort to help you get through it.
{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}} and hope things are making progress for you day by day...

 

[YourCaptor]

Fuckmeat, how have you been? A little time has passed now, is it getting better?

Look out for yourself girl, you’ve still got more story to experience.

 

[sb2009]

chiming in to see how you are doing. Take care!

 

[fuckmeat]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the supportive posts.

Mistress passed on August 1st.

I've been more or less ok since then, more ok than I should have been really. Having seen her suffer and fade, knowing she was finally at rest was actually comforting. I continued to see the CRUSE guy for a while, until about a month ago.

Since then I've lost my nursing registration due to health issues and my house due to financial issues. I'm living above a friend's bar, where I also work. So it's been a time of great upheaval but now I'm the other side of it, my minimalistic one-room existence is proving to be therapeutic. Plus the bar work is shifting the pounds I put on sitting around grieving.

I hope everyone else around here is doing ok too.

 

[Duncan1981]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the supportive posts.

Mistress passed on August 1st.

I've been more or less ok since then, more ok than I should have been really. Having seen her suffer and fade, knowing she was finally at rest was actually comforting. I continued to see the CRUSE guy for a while, until about a month ago.

Since then I've lost my nursing registration due to health issues and my house due to financial issues. I'm living above a friend's bar, where I also work. So it's been a time of great upheaval but now I'm the other side of it, my minimalistic one-room existence is proving to be therapeutic. Plus the bar work is shifting the pounds I put on sitting around grieving.

I hope everyone else around here is doing ok too.

I am glad to hear you are doing ok, and you will be in prayers. Also congrats on the job and the new place.

 

[where]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the supportive posts.

Mistress passed on August 1st.

I've been more or less ok since then, more ok than I should have been really. Having seen her suffer and fade, knowing she was finally at rest was actually comforting. I continued to see the CRUSE guy for a while, until about a month ago.

Since then I've lost my nursing registration due to health issues and my house due to financial issues. I'm living above a friend's bar, where I also work. So it's been a time of great upheaval but now I'm the other side of it, my minimalistic one-room existence is proving to be therapeutic. Plus the bar work is shifting the pounds I put on sitting around grieving.

I hope everyone else around here is doing ok too.

I'm sorry about all the awful stuff happening since losing your mistress, but I hope you will find your way through it. Actually, given the strength you have demonstrated before, I KNOW you will.

 

[rekane]

The fact that you can form complete sentences is monumental, considering all you have been through.
First of all, I am really sorry for your loss. Expected or not, it is still difficult. I understand feeling comfort in the fact that your mistress is no longer suffering. Please don't be too hard on yourself for feeling that way.
I hope that things continue to stay on a more even keel for you and I wish you all the best.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the supportive posts.

Mistress passed on August 1st.

I guessed from the dates that she must have gone.

Hugs and best wishes. I'm very sorry to hear about your career and your home; although they're obviously much smaller losses, the three of them together must be extra hard. Grieving is a long process; be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much of yourself for a while. I hope you have friends around who are supporting you.

 

[beebee7088]

i was just reading your first comment. i really genuinely feel for you. i had 1, 2, 3 horrifically bad things happen to me between 1 and 2 years ago. 1 by an awful turn of fate, and the rest of it ultimately stemming back to 1 person and their friends, who intentionally betrayed me and ruined my life. and it was a downard spiral of SHIT from there, because of it.

noone honestly understood. and noone knew how to help me, except my husband, my protector, my sub, and my life.

now, my brother is allying himself with that same group of people who screwed me.

i have to make a choice. do i just 'forget' everything that happened to me, and continue to love my brother and his choices? or, in an exercise in futility, do i try to explain it to him, and change his mind?

i opt for me. i will forget in my own time. and noone else has the right to take YOU away from you.

i'm sorry for your loss and unhappiness.

 

[YourCaptor]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the supportive posts.

Mistress passed on August 1st.

I've been more or less ok since then, more ok than I should have been really. Having seen her suffer and fade, knowing she was finally at rest was actually comforting. I continued to see the CRUSE guy for a while, until about a month ago.

Since then I've lost my nursing registration due to health issues and my house due to financial issues. I'm living above a friend's bar, where I also work. So it's been a time of great upheaval but now I'm the other side of it, my minimalistic one-room existence is proving to be therapeutic. Plus the bar work is shifting the pounds I put on sitting around grieving.

I hope everyone else around here is doing ok too.

I like the optimism.

Now that you are getting past the grieving period you should try to get back out their.

As a nurse I'm sure you are very aware of that point in time when a patient needs to stop resting and start pushing themselves to get back into shape. A good way to approach it is first to build habit, set yourself a time schedule, and then work on making it count.

And moments of anguish are not a relapse, they happen, you should expect them.

Things on this end are going well, I may actually be coming down to live in Australia for a while. One of those things I've always wanted to do, but is difficult to actually find a way to do. I got a small glimpse at an opportunity, and now I'm all over it trying to get it to work.

 

[fuckmeat]

i was just reading your first comment. i really genuinely feel for you. i had 1, 2, 3 horrifically bad things happen to me between 1 and 2 years ago. 1 by an awful turn of fate, and the rest of it ultimately stemming back to 1 person and their friends, who intentionally betrayed me and ruined my life. and it was a downard spiral of SHIT from there, because of it.

noone honestly understood. and noone knew how to help me, except my husband, my protector, my sub, and my life.

now, my brother is allying himself with that same group of people who screwed me.

i have to make a choice. do i just 'forget' everything that happened to me, and continue to love my brother and his choices? or, in an exercise in futility, do i try to explain it to him, and change his mind?

i opt for me. i will forget in my own time. and noone else has the right to take YOU away from you.

i'm sorry for your loss and unhappiness.

Obviously I don't know your situation but I assume that your brother does. If he is knowingly betraying you as a sibling by allying himself with people who have had a very negative impact on your life, I would recommend keeping him at arm's length. You don't have to start a family feud or burn bridges but if you have self respect, you shouldn't simply let it stand and be no different towards your brother either. He is an adult and he should comprehend that his choices have consequences. How do you imagine he would cope if the situation was reversed?

If on the other hand, he doesn't realise how this is affecting you. If you've not explained your former friends' betrayal adequately, now would definitely be the time to do that. He may in that case feel terribly for adding to your woes on that score. To deny him that knowledge and the opportunity to choose his associates in an informed way would be unfair.

Just my tuppence.

 

[praefect]

I lost a daughter. It was hard, but I thought I was ok, over the worst of it. I had tried to let it out and not to suppress any of what I felt. And slowly, but surely, calmness returned. A fragile balance. I don't know why, or how, but it took months before I cracked, and really felt.

In the last month all my defenses have gone. Many of which I never even knew existed. They are just not there anymore. None of them are, and I am exposed, to anything and everything, completely.

I can't bear the things I used to, or act like I do. I can't even fake strength. I have abandoned two slaves in my grief because there is nothing at all left that I can give and they don't know how to help me.

Feelings so infinite in scope I can't even comprehend them, much less know how I will work through them.

But you move forward. One step at a time, one step after the other. There is nothing else to do, and maybe, one day, hopefully sooner than later, I will figure out how to summon strength again.

I had a realization

It helped me a very little.

And I wanted to share it with you, because, maybe, it will help you a very little, too.

The pain of loss will never go away completely. Suffering though, it can. It is so hard to see when you are inside it, but there is profound beauty in that pain.

It's a reflection of the love you feel and a memory you still hold close to you, a memory kept alive, and that is all the dead can ask of us. A service the dead would be grateful for.

They are remembered and live on in us and how they changed us, what they gave us, and what we shared before they had to go. We give them a part of us in life, and in death... and in that act I see something beautiful.

The imagine in my mind is that of a flower of pain coming to a bloom. And the beauty of it, it is the catalyst that transforms suffering to a silent joy at having had the pleasure of making all those experiences with those we love in the first place.

 

[fuckmeat]

I lost a daughter. It was hard, but I thought I was ok, over the worst of it. I had tried to let it out and not to suppress any of what I felt. And slowly, but surely, calmness returned. A fragile balance. I don't know why, or how, but it took months before I cracked, and really felt.

In the last month all my defenses have gone. Many of which I never even knew existed. They are just not there anymore. None of them are, and I am exposed, to anything and everything, completely.

I can't bear the things I used to, or act like I do. I can't even fake strength. I have abandoned two slaves in my grief because there is nothing at all left that I can give and they don't know how to help me.

Feelings so infinite in scope I can't even comprehend them, much less know how I will work through them.

But you move forward. One step at a time, one step after the other. There is nothing else to do, and maybe, one day, hopefully sooner than later, I will figure out how to summon strength again.

I had a realization

It helped me a very little.

And I wanted to share it with you, because, maybe, it will help you a very little, too.

The pain of loss will never go away completely. Suffering though, it can. It is so hard to see when you are inside it, but there is profound beauty in that pain.

It's a reflection of the love you feel and a memory you still hold close to you, a memory kept alive, and that is all the dead can ask of us. A service the dead would be grateful for.

They are remembered and live on in us and how they changed us, what they gave us, and what we shared before they had to go. We give them a part of us in life, and in death... and in that act I see something beautiful.

The imagine in my mind is that of a flower of pain coming to a bloom. And the beauty of it, it is the catalyst that transforms suffering to a silent joy at having had the pleasure of making all those experiences with those we love in the first place.

That was beautiful praefect, and very profound. I think it will definitely help me a very little. To lose a child though, even I cannot begin to imagine how truly harrowing that must be. I wish with all my heart that you do heal and find your strength again. If the dead have one victory over us, it is that they are totally beyond pain. In moving on with your life and finding joy in it again you will still honour your daughter. Just as when she was born your life ceased to be your own and your first duty was always to her, so now you can still live for her. As my Mistress said to me before she passed: -

"On the off-chance that I wind up sitting on a cloud somewhere watching you live your life, give me something to look at. Make me smile, make me happy for you."

My heart goes out to you and if you ever get the urge, my PM box is always open.