Boredom

[Shadowsdream]

(Which on the other hand makes me wonder: should we try and incorporate a more "happy feel" for those recreational BDSM'ers so they can openly admit to what they want without loosing the family feel? Or would that compromise our own belives and value systems too much?)

Those recreational BDSM'ers are as valid as the lifestylers. They don't need anyone to happy up for them. They like W/we take what they need or desire from BDSM. Living it 24/7 does not make it more valuable..more real..or more important.

They are as much a part of the BDSM family as I am. How many hours they log in in a month holds no significance. It is their sexuallity or a´t the very least an important part of it.

 

[lovetoread]

(Which on the other hand makes me wonder: should we try and incorporate a more "happy feel" for those recreational BDSM'ers so they can openly admit to what they want without loosing the family feel? Or would that compromise our own belives and value systems too much?)

Those recreational BDSM'ers are as valid as the lifestylers. They don't need anyone to happy up for them. They like W/we take what they need or desire from BDSM. Living it 24/7 does not make it more valuable..more real..or more important.

They are as much a part of the BDSM family as I am. How many hours they log in in a month holds no significance. It is their sexuallity or a´t the very least an important part of it.

This has to be the first time I have ever heard someone say that.

Thank you.

 

[Shadowsdream]

This has to be the first time I have ever heard someone say that.

Thank you.

then perhaps it needs to be said more often.

 

[Hecate]

In response to zipman

Take the "Are you a player?" Test which is only giving you Hecates silly opinion but hey *lol* at least you got a lable then! (and they even come in colors if yuo don't like black and white)


1.) Do you know what you realy want in the BDSM context?

2.) Do you say you want something different from what you really want?

If your answer to 1.) is "yes" and your answer to 2.) is "no" I am sorry - you can't get the "player" badge - because you are taking what you do and the parners involved seriously enough to not bs you and them.

If your answe to 1.) is "no" and your answer to 2.) is "no" - sorry, as well, no "player" badge for you! (see above)

No matter what your answer is to 1.) - if you had "yes" for 2.) you are the lucky winner of the this weeks "players" jackpot!
Not only do you betray your partners in your intentions but as well as that you deprive yourself of finding the fulfillment you might be getting with someone who would actually like what you like.


taking tongue out of cheek

I think there is a load of greys plus all colours of the rainbow in the different ways BDSM can be expressed - and it still is in my book valid BDSM - as long as it is communicate to its ends and needs with honesty between those parties involved. It is not "HOW" you practice BDSM which calssifies you a "player/pretender", it is how honest you are about your needs and intentions.

I am not in a 24/7 live in TPE relation at the moment ... but I still feel myself a member of the BDSM crowd - and whyt may float my boat would not do for Ebony or Shadowsdream or MzChrista or MsWorthy or any other Domme ... still all those relation concepts are valid and equally so in my perception of BDSM.

Am I a player at the moment becasue I am not living BDSM "to the extreme"? maybe, in the fun sense playing is lovely, educational, liberating ... but I am not a "player" in the sense of "pretender" as I used it in the above context and in my previous posts. Whoever I get involved with will know what they are bargaining for.

 

[Hecate]

then perhaps it needs to be said more often.

To be honest - I feel sad about the fact it has to be said at all!

 

[Shadowsdream]

To be honest - I feel sad about the fact it has to be said at all!

We lead a different BDSM lifestyle to one extent or another.

Yet I would be proud to stand beside of You, any time and any place.

Our differences just add more content to the soup. More possiblities to learn from each other. Which is an incredible feeling for Me. The diversity is the icing on the cake.

 

[zipman]

Re: In response to zipman

Take the "Are you a player?" Test which is only giving you Hecates silly opinion but hey *lol* at least you got a lable then! (and they even come in colors if yuo don't like black and white)


1.) Do you know what you realy want in the BDSM context?

2.) Do you say you want something different from what you really want?

If your answer to 1.) is "yes" and your answer to 2.) is "no" I am sorry - you can't get the "player" badge - because you are taking what you do and the parners involved seriously enough to not bs you and them.

If your answe to 1.) is "no" and your answer to 2.) is "no" - sorry, as well, no "player" badge for you! (see above)

No matter what your answer is to 1.) - if you had "yes" for 2.) you are the lucky winner of the this weeks "players" jackpot!
Not only do you betray your partners in your intentions but as well as that you deprive yourself of finding the fulfillment you might be getting with someone who would actually like what you like.


taking tongue out of cheek

I think there is a load of greys plus all colours of the rainbow in the different ways BDSM can be expressed - and it still is in my book valid BDSM - as long as it is communicate to its ends and needs with honesty between those parties involved. It is not "HOW" you practice BDSM which calssifies you a "player/pretender", it is how honest you are about your needs and intentions.

I am not in a 24/7 live in TPE relation at the moment ... but I still feel myself a member of the BDSM crowd - and whyt may float my boat would not do for Ebony or Shadowsdream or MzChrista or MsWorthy or any other Domme ... still all those relation concepts are valid and equally so in my perception of BDSM.

Am I a player at the moment becasue I am not living BDSM "to the extreme"? maybe, in the fun sense playing is lovely, educational, liberating ... but I am not a "player" in the sense of "pretender" as I used it in the above context and in my previous posts. Whoever I get involved with will know what they are bargaining for.

Okay, I took the test and I failed. Now I guess I'm not a "player."

I was being a little sarcastic too, in my earlier post. Because I think it is human nature to want to label and qualify things. We all do it, and try to do it, to make sense out of the mess of thoughts, feelings and emotions that constitute our consciousness. For better or worse.

 

[Hecate]

Re: Re: In response to zipman

Okay, I took the test and I failed.

*g* how come I am not surprised? And *winks* for this "failure" I am definitely not disappointed!


Shadowsdream - I thank you for those above words and add a heartfelt DITTO to those!

 

[Ebonyfire]

then perhaps it needs to be said more often.

Yep. Different strokes.

Eb

 

[cellis]

Re: In response to zipman

I think there is a load of greys plus all colours of the rainbow in the different ways BDSM can be expressed - and it still is in my book valid BDSM - as long as it is communicate to its ends and needs with honesty between those parties involved. It is not "HOW" you practice BDSM which calssifies you a "player/pretender", it is how honest you are about your needs and intentions.

This the truth of all it. I know you posted it "tongue in cheek", Hecate. You have been here since before my beginning on this board. You have seen my struggles to move into a real life relationship.

And in all the time I have been here no truer words have ever been spoken.

It is not "HOW" you practice BDSM which calssifies you a "player/pretender", it is how honest you are about your needs and intentions.

And then we come again full circle to the topic of honesty.... funny how all of this comes together.

 

[li'a-wahine]

Ma'am

Just wanted to stop in and say hello. I have mised alot of this thread, but to answer this in any way I think that bordom is something that one (Dom/me or sub) needs to always be aware of, it can be hard to detect at first sometimes. Expecially if you with the same person for a long time. Bordom is not the same as routine, bordome happens when the spark has left that activity, and it is up to both to notice and bring it to the surface if it has been found. Bordom is not inevitable, it never has to happen. With honesty, communication about needs and attention to each other, this doesn't need to be an issue.

lia

 

[artful]

Shadows

I am waiting to copy and paste,...where have you gone?

 

[RJMasters]

Those particular words refer to men and woman who have proclaimed themselves to be the sub some LUCKY Dominant should be grateful to receive their GIFT of submission from.

(..I feel it in the sub that proclaims perfection without striving for it. )

With so close to no experience that it is stunning they think they have anything to give. They would rather fight against learning about BDSM because it is beneath them to lower themselves beyond their own egos. They will not learn but mouth the words like the holy Graille...i must i must i must..hey,...no way..no one can tell me what to do!

The day they saw a place to chat and play and orgasm to their own music was the day they found a valid use for the word submit. They deserve the best Dom/me on the block simply because they say so.

Thou doth protest too much....I believe has been uttered here before...these words speak for themselves if O/one only takes the time to look beyond hidden agendas.

I have seen My share of these self proclaimed submisives..and yes Dominants as well come and go like fleas on the back of dogs. But seldom do they do anything more than recreate themselves online and in real time hurting anyone that interrupts their journey.

Too many people misunderstand the fact that all they are really looking for is a little kink here and there and a hard fuck exactly as they WANT it..when they want it and if they want it.

It is not a new concept but it permeates more quickly now since the Internet opens doors for anyone to be anything they claim they are.

I hope this is helpful rose...and by the way..I do like the artistic av.

wow...just wow.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hello RJ
I was just thinking of resurrecting an old thread....good choice...lots of new voices and thoughts to be heard!

 

[A Desert Rose]

Actually, as "new" as I sounded in this thread... You by comparison Ma'am, sound just as knowledgeable as you do today.

My goodness, what a couple of years (and a true Dom or two) can do to a person. ;-)

edited to add: I am living proof that no one should be ashamed to ask a question they think is dumb. LOL

 

[A Desert Rose]

... I would not like to be considered high maintanece...
Rose

Actually taking a moment to read this thread I have to say... I'm pretty fucking high maintainence. It just took me a couple years to figure it out.


LMAO

 

[Shadowsdream]

Actually taking a moment to read this thread I have to say... I'm pretty fucking high maintainence. It just took me a couple years to figure it out.


LMAO

My high maintence slave has survived 5 years so high maintenance is do-able!

Think miss rosie one are you really high maintenance or do you simply understand what you need to be content and in heaven?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Ma'am

... Bordom is not inevitable, it never has to happen. With honesty, communication about needs and attention to each other, this doesn't need to be an issue.

lia

Good golly... I could quote every poster in this thread. There is so much wisdom here. And so many I've missed like Hecate and Zippy and willow... sigh


I do think that boredom might be inevitable, if the chemistry one thought was there to begin with, in the end, is not.



Okay, I did my assigned task to the other thing, :-D and now I'm going to bed.

 

[A Desert Rose]

My high maintence slave has survived 5 years so high maintenance is do-able!

Think miss rosie one are you really high maintenance or do you simply understand what you need to be content and in heaven?

I will hold off for sleep for this one post because it's made me think kinda hard. ;-)

High maintainence is, of course. one of those descriptions that is in the eye of the beholder. But to me and in my context, high maintainence means attention. I require it. And lack of attention means.... boredom and disinterest.

And here we are full circle again, as cellis put it in another post. ;-)

I'm sure there is more to say on this but I'm going to sleep on it and come back here tomorrow.

Good night, Ma'am. And thank You for this thread... it's so full of good stuff!

 

[CutieMouse]

[*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

I also feel strongly that I am worth enough that my boundaries should be respected. Someone contacted me yesterday wanting to dictate how I'd dress for our first date. I've flatly refused to do so. I feel it gives too much power too early. He's fascinating to me and all, but we are at an impass and won't end up meeting because I refuse to dress "for him" when I've never even met him. I don't want to hand someone that until I have a feel for them and know they aren't an asshole. LOL Is this me being smart, or is this me fighting submission?

I can only speak from my own experience which does not make it right for you, but may be able to help you through the impasse if it is what you choose. While I was looking, I found many Dominants who would state how they wanted me dressed for our first meeting. It was usually stated in the course of a conversation about the meeting, and though not overly demanding in it's delivery, there was a certain amount of dominance in the request in that it was their wish to have me dress in that way. The descriptions also were not outlandish or something aimed at humiliating me, and on occasion if I didn't have a particular thing in my wardrobe to fit what they described or which I felt very uncomfortable with they allowed discussion and a compromise if I presented my difficulties in a respectful rather than flat out refusing manner.

I didn't feel it was giving over power to them so much as showing I was able to do as they requested to please. Part of that feeling of not giving over power might have been because they did not make it seem upfront like it was a power play, more a desire to please them, and might also have come from the assurance I had that I would not be pushed into anything I was not wanting or ready for. It also helped I had a mentor with whom I could discuss everything.

While it is vital to have limits and boundaries and maintain them until you can trust the other person, it is also necessary to choose which are boundaries and which are more a feeling of losing your power where perhaps that is not the intention. If you have been told to dress in a way which exposes you to a level that is dangerous or humiliating for you, I agree it is certainly not good for a first date, but if it is more a request like desire they express, it may be worth looking at whether you can find value in it as a way of showing you are interested in their wants. It doesn't mean you have made a commitment to them or they to you, just perhaps a way of demonstrating you are aware it is not all about you. That being said, if it is going to make you feel to overly compromised and uncomfortable to do so at this point, it may be one of those indicators for what you do and don't want in a Dominant and should be listened to.

At this point you are free to choose what path you take, what you will and won't do, how soon and how far. It is all a careful blend of boundaries, respect, interest, and desire that put together have to bring some form of balance for you and whoever you become involved with. Hope you find a way to work through this as it sounds as if you like this person.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

Actually taking a moment to read this thread I have to say... I'm pretty fucking high maintainence. It just took me a couple years to figure it out.


LMAO

I believe I was told that it would be kind to call me "a handful". LOL Having just re-read this, it's amazing the difference a couple of years can make for me as well.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I believe I was told that it would be kind to call me "a handful". LOL Having just re-read this, it's amazing the difference a couple of years can make for me as well.

*grabs a handful of Des*

 

[cgraven]

<hijack brought to you by a busy brain>

This is something that always is in the back of my head givng me little twitches. I honestly do feel I will make someone a good sub. I honestly do feel I put as much energy into learning as I can at the moment (although I probably could do more). And as inexperienced as I am I find as I meet Doms (haven't met a Domme IRL as of yet) I also feel strongly that I am worth enough that my boundaries should be respected. Someone contacted me yesterday wanting to dictate how I'd dress for our first date. I've flatly refused to do so. I feel it gives too much power too early. He's fascinating to me and all, but we are at an impass and won't end up meeting because I refuse to dress "for him" when I've never even met him. I don't want to hand someone that until I have a feel for them and know they aren't an asshole. LOL Is this me being smart, or is this me fighting submission? I lean towards the former, but then my inexperienced brain wonders if I have any freaking clue what I'm talking about because I'm NOT experienced, so do I have anything to give that is worthy of expecting someone to move at my speed?

Sigh. Hijack over. It's just that it's been an interesting week or two. And I hope I never bore someone to the point of ignoring me. *shudder*

Trust, respect, time

The three things that are essential for a successful relationship between Dom and sub.

Trust that he / she will never hurt you.

Respect for the boundaries you set so you are comfortable.

Time to get to know each other, and each others need, so you both can build the Trust and Respect that is so necessary.

 

[Shadowsdream]

<hijack brought to you by a busy brain>

This is something that always is in the back of my head givng me little twitches. I honestly do feel I will make someone a good sub. I honestly do feel I put as much energy into learning as I can at the moment (although I probably could do more). And as inexperienced as I am I find as I meet Doms (haven't met a Domme IRL as of yet) I also feel strongly that I am worth enough that my boundaries should be respected. Someone contacted me yesterday wanting to dictate how I'd dress for our first date. I've flatly refused to do so. I feel it gives too much power too early. He's fascinating to me and all, but we are at an impass and won't end up meeting because I refuse to dress "for him" when I've never even met him. I don't want to hand someone that until I have a feel for them and know they aren't an asshole. LOL Is this me being smart, or is this me fighting submission? I lean towards the former, but then my inexperienced brain wonders if I have any freaking clue what I'm talking about because I'm NOT experienced, so do I have anything to give that is worthy of expecting someone to move at my speed?

Sigh. Hijack over. It's just that it's been an interesting week or two. And I hope I never bore someone to the point of ignoring me. *shudder*

Smart or stubborn(fight submission)...good question.

Look inside yourself and ask if you resist simply because you can and feel that since there has not yet been any committment you will. do as you please, no more and no less.
or
Do you already feel an underlying twinge that He is an asshole that will put you into a compromising position during this date.
or
you don't like his wishes as you had already decided what to wear.
or..there can be a million ors...

One thing that stands out for Me is the statement *fight submission* I don't understand how in honesty the word fight and submission fit into the same sentence.