Boredom

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[RJMasters]

And as inexperienced as I am I find as I meet Doms (haven't met a Domme IRL as of yet) I also feel strongly that I am worth enough that my boundaries should be respected. Someone contacted me yesterday wanting to dictate how I'd dress for our first date. I've flatly refused to do so. I feel it gives too much power too early.

I don't want to hand someone that until I have a feel for them and know they aren't an asshole. LOL Is this me being smart, or is this me fighting submission?

so do I have anything to give that is worthy of expecting someone to move at my speed?

I feel it gives too much power too early.

This is what I keyed in on.

Though I agree with what cgraven said about trust, respect and time, I also see a suttle trap here in thinking that you will ultimately decide..meaning control every aspect of the relationship.

What do I mean?

There is of course a period of time in which a Dom and sub need to get to "know" one another. We used to call this exploring and it involved a period of time where a commitment was made to the other in getting to know them. What I find interesting in what happen cutie is that this Dom assumed it was his right to tell you how to dress. You on the other hand claim this is as a boundary of sorts.

From your point of view it is clear you see this as giving power and control to him if you were to "obey" and submit to his request/demand. Because you want to see if this guy is a good Dom or not before you start submitting. In otherwords you want to make sure he cares about you enough to trust him.

From his point of view, he is looking for a good submissive. It is possible that asking you to dress for him a certain way on your first date is a simple test of his to see if you infact are willing to submit to his request/demand. In other words he doesn't want toinvest and waste his time on someone who is not serious about submission.

Is it a reasonable request? Well if he asked you to wear something that was overtly sexual that clearly implies casual sex as motive, then I think there is a problem as your relationship has not progress far enough to make that kind of assumptions yet. However if what he asked you to wear is more a matter of preference...like he asked you to wear a dress, or jeans and a blouse...you have to ask yourself why would you refuse such a request or demand? To some extent it is a reasonable request/demand and as long as it does not put you in a compromising position, I do not think refusing to do this should be based on "you" measuring out power and control. I think it should be seen as more of does this request/demand make me feel unsafe? Does it suggest or imply something that your are not comfortable with? If the request does not put you in any danger or imply suggestive danger...then do not be surprised if you never hear from this Dom again...as I am sure he is quite convinced that if you are not willing to do this simple and easy thing, then what is the sense in continuing? As you said you are at an empass.

In some sense I am trying to say that though there is this need for trust respect and time, there is also a certain expectation when you are looking for a Dom, don't be suprised when they act Domly. If you go into a relationship with the idea that you will control it, then IMO that is a wrong perspective as there is another person in the relationship who has an equal investment. As long as their requests are not crossing any limits or putting you in danger.

If his request involved you wearing crotchless panties...I would be very defensive at that, as why would he even think he would get to see much less benefit from that on your first date.

Remember that the "time" in the begginning of any relationship is about getting to know the other person, so that trust and respect can progress to a more intimate level. As much as you are looking for a Dom to respect you and find them trust worthy, are they not also looking at you and asking the same thing? If they are being respectful and not putting you in danger or crossing lines or limits, don't they have the right to expect submission and obedience?

how do you expect them to show you they are dominant unless they ask you to do things which are small test of your submission? Unless you mean you want to first develope a nice vanilla relationship first and build love etc....before you feel comfortable offering submission. I am not knocking this if this is indeed the case, however you should be forth coming with that agenda as that may not be intirely what the other person has in mind.

You know me cuttie and I am not trying to dis-hearten you or dis-courage you in any way here, but I am trying to say that if you wish to enter into a D/s relationship...you should be trying to find as many ways to express your submission in a safe way, just as a Dom would seek to express his/her dominance in a safe way. So that, over time...trust and respect can be developed.

As a Dom, if I made a request that you wear a "black" dress for our first date, and you said I am not comfortable in giving you that kind of power...after I raised my eyebrows...I would thank you for your time and say goodbye.

I would be interested in knowing what it is he asked you to wear if that is not too personal of a thing to ask.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[RJMasters]

LMAO

Give this guy a map with directions to the red-light district...and pat him on the head and wish him a good time...

I am glad you had the sense to say no...as it is obvious he is not really looking for anything substantial or longlasting. To make such requests before even meeting on the first date...well...and I thought my example of crotchless panties was bad...

I don't know too many who would consent to this...you did just fine.

SO.....when you find a Dom who is a bit more realistic and reasonable...or at least one that comes from this planet...what I had to say above applies.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[RJMasters]

Should we try and incorporate a more "happy feel" for those recreational BDSM'ers so they can openly admit to what they want without loosing the family feel? Or would that compromise our own belives and value systems too much?

This question keeps haunting me SD. In my heart and thoughts, I have this feeling that something special has been lost and iis hard to put my finger on exactly what.

Perhaps it has to do with some of the other things you mentioned in your earlier posts of this thread, in the "earning".

I have always held that anything worth having, is worth working for, as the things that come easy in life...easily go as well(easy come, easy go).

Maybe you hear me...and what I am saying

 

[esclave_PP]

Originally posted by RJMasters


I have always held that anything worth having, is worth working for, as the things that come easy in life...easily go as well(easy come, easy go).

Maybe you hear me...and what I am saying

That is 100% true RJ -- anything worth having is worth working for, preserving and cherishing. Very well said.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... I have always held that anything worth having, is worth working for, as the things that come easy in life...easily go as well(easy come, easy go).

Maybe you hear me...and what I am saying

I would like to respectfully add to your post that those things that come easily, as well as people who do, easily go as well.

 

[robynwildchild]

Re: Re: Boredom

because, to me, that is what boredom must be. Like a living death.

it is in a way your reality is stalle and in contempt of what was so fondly adored.

at that point of boredom is when those idle hands come out

most would repress it but its necessary at working through boredom.. everything is a cycle.. so..

 

[catalina_francisco]

Foolish games in submission bring Me boredom. Boredom entices My lack of interest. Lack of interest earns my disregard. Disregard causes Me to look past you. Looking past you brings My vision to others. Bringing My vision to others opens doors to one who may not play games. That one may find him/herself in heaven. Which could leave you in the hell of loneliness once again.
My silence is the sound you should listen for. It is louder than any word I may speak for your comfort or humiliation.

How do you as a submissíve or a Dominant react to boredom when your intellect is continually fed bullshit?

Went to post to this a couple of days ago and my computer crashed just as I was about to click on submit.......hmmmm, is that a message?....so I will try again. I find I agree with much of what you say here about the gameplaying and boredom aspects Shadowsdream, and where they can lead. I need to have my mind challenged, and elements present to keep me there so to speak in all facets of life, even more so in D/s.

Not in an attention seeking needy way but if I feel the Dominant really is not interested or is intent on continually playing games which have no purpose except to stroke their ego I can begin to drift away. Keep it going too long and mentally I am no longer in the same room, let alone house. I feel as robynwildchild says, that it is a living death. The silence can become a very real unspoken message when all else fails to convey the message it has passed the point of no return.

Catalina

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hello RJ

What I often see as being lost is depth, bredth and fulfillment. Expectations that are generally unattainable and unrealistic which makes the numbers of BDSM soloist staggering.

Too much book learnin' and not enough hands on and mental experiences to back the the written word and voice.

There is no free pass to experience nor fast lane to reality. But he who knows the least will often have the biggest voice. Wishing and wanting dreaming and wanking neither make a Master/Mistress submissive/slave.

To each their own but the moments I enjoy the most, that truly stimulate My desire to Dominate and to grow within My sexuality is when there are equal stimulies of desire. Not one rebelling against the other...not even knowing why they do.

Too many rules of conduct, too many walls of safety until it simply becomes a bore.

I hear You RJ

If this makes no sense..put it down to a head cold and travelling!

This question keeps haunting me SD. In my heart and thoughts, I have this feeling that something special has been lost and iis hard to put my finger on exactly what.

Perhaps it has to do with some of the other things you mentioned in your earlier posts of this thread, in the "earning".

I have always held that anything worth having, is worth working for, as the things that come easy in life...easily go as well(easy come, easy go).

Maybe you hear me...and what I am saying

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Boredom

In My oh so humble opinion I believe that all games whether physical verbal or mental should have a purpose...a lesson or a goal. For Me anything less would be a bore. Continual ego stroking simply shows weakness...in either the Dominant or submissive/slave.

Went to post to this a couple of days ago and my computer crashed just as I was about to click on submit.......hmmmm, is that a message?....so I will try again. I find I agree with much of what you say here about the gameplaying and boredom aspects Shadowsdream, and where they can lead. I need to have my mind challenged, and elements present to keep me there so to speak in all facets of life, even more so in D/s.

Not in an attention seeking needy way but if I feel the Dominant really is not interested or is intent on continually playing games which have no purpose except to stroke their ego I can begin to drift away. Keep it going too long and mentally I am no longer in the same room, let alone house. I feel as robynwildchild says, that it is a living death. The silence can become a very real unspoken message when all else fails to convey the message it has passed the point of no return.

Catalina

 

[RJMasters]

Hello RJ

What I often see as being lost is depth, bredth and fulfillment.


Bullseye.


Expectations that are generally unattainable and unrealistic which makes the numbers of BDSM soloist staggering.

There are two ways to see this from my perspective...

1) You can't expect to get more out of something if your are not willing to put an honest effort into it. It is unrealistic to expect to get deep satisfaction out of something if you treat it lightly.

2) Thing that are often done online are not realistic for RL. Online play slips into fantasy lala-land and is why making the transition from online to RL can be so difficult. It is unrealistic to play in fantasy land, and then expect to meet in real life and meet unrealistic expectations.

The solution of course is to "keep it real" online as much as possible to limit or prevent unrealistic expectations from forming in the first place. What I mean by "keeping it real" is be who you are honestly. Act, think, and contribute as if you were RL.


Too much book learnin' and not enough hands on and mental experiences to back the the written word and voice.

You have my thoughts on this already.


There is no free pass to experience nor fast lane to reality. But he who knows the least will often have the biggest voice. Wishing and wanting dreaming and wanking neither make a Master/Mistress submissive/slave.

To each their own but the moments I enjoy the most, that truly stimulate My desire to Dominate and to grow within My sexuality is when there are equal stimulies of desire. Not one rebelling against the other...not even knowing why they do.


Do you mean....

Perhaps BDSM is a verb...it is something you do?

I think that it is wonderful to be able to talk about so many aspects of BDSM here at Lit, yet can BDSM be practiced through such a medium? Only on a mental level, which can be both good and bad, but should never be mistaken or confused for real life experience.

Alot like combat, you can train for it all you want, but until the first bullet wizzes past your head....etc...Many talk about combat and romantisize it..the reality of it, is often a much different version. Infact, many who have been in it...rarely want to "talk openly about the intimate details of it".


Too many rules of conduct, too many walls of safety until it simply becomes a bore.

I hear You RJ

If this makes no sense..put it down to a head cold and travelling!

Made perfect sense to me. I not only heard what you said, but I am listening too.

Wish you a speedy recovery and safe travels.

grinz @ SD, the woman with the BDSM 1000 yard stare.

 

[RJMasters]

I would like to respectfully add to your post that those things that come easily, as well as people who do, easily go as well.

ohhh you are just saying that because it is true