Cock Talk

[Endless_Night]

Do we?

I do.

Imagine you're in a relationship which is blissfully happy in all respects, except...say...a mismatched sex drive. It causes some frustration sometimes, but it's always felt awkward to talk about it So, you don't. And you discreetly work out ways of dealing with the situation, quietly, and with minimal fuss. And everything works just fine, and you're still blissfully happy.

I found this interesting. I absolutely believe people do feel this way, and practice such. Many people. Maybe most.

It strikes me as having two touchstones. Would you accord this latitude to your partner? Does your partner feel the same way? If the answer to both of those is yes, then perfect! If the answer is no to either one, not so great.

For me, I need honesty. If I am committed to someone, in whatever context, I'll move heaven and earth to find a way for them to be happy. Even if I'm not committed, that might be true, if there were good reasons to maintain the relationship.

If it's not something that can be worked out? Well, then I want to have my choice as to whether as to move on. And I want them to have their choice.

Everyone has different priorities in what makes a relationship work for them. For me, honestly, openness, communication are paramount. If I found out a partner had, "discreetly worked out ways of dealing with the situation," without discussing it with me first? That would end things. Period. No higher court of appeal.

 

[Endless_Night]

I definitely don’t share everything in my head with anyone else. I keep some things for me.

This made me laugh. What a terrifying thought. For them, not myself. No one wants to know everything that's going on in my head. Like, ever.


Your signature line is killing me, by the way.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

Cummunication


We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

Sometimes. Because sometimes we put in the effort and sometimes we don’t. Also there are some topics that we do really well discussing, and other things that we just don’t see eye-to-eye about.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

I think that looking at the reason behind why women want to be heard (huge generalization) and why someone offers advice, is a good start. Trying to see things from another persons POV helps to be empathetic and understanding.

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

Try to choose a good time to talk about something difficult. Not right after work. Not in the middle of a traffic jam. Not during the best part of a favorite show. Not while they have had a shit day already. Maybe preplan it? “Hey, I’d like to talk about ___. How about tomorrow night when the kids are at soccer?” Or some other time that at least shows some forethought.

And don’t wait until your anger is built up because then your (my) temper erupts and you say things that are not at all helpful.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

This is very frustrating and at this point you need to take measures to take care of yourself. Whether that is leaving, or staying but making sure you have what you need for yourself.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

That I was unhappy the way things were in our relationship.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

No I would not be surprised.

What steps would you take if they did?

Go to couple and individual counseling- although that was my suggestion, not his. He doesn’t seem to think I’m that difficult.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

This has changed over the years. I started off thinking that what I wanted was not “proper” and so I felt uncomfortable sharing that with him. As I got more comfortable with myself, I was more honest with myself and with him about my interests.

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?

That he was not at all sexually curious and he is completely satisfied with things as they are. That’s not a bad thing, just very different from how I feel.

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

That he was not at all sexually curious and he is completely satisfied with things as they are. That’s not a bad thing, just very different from how I feel.

It's not?!?!

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

It's not?!?!

Him being completely satisfied? No that’s not a bad thing. For him.

Edited to add: my point is not meant to be self-congratulatory; I just mean that he’s happy the way things are.

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

Him being completely satisfied? No that’s not a bad thing. For him.

I wasn't worried about him

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I wasn't worried about him

This is such a hard topic to discuss.

On one hand, you don’t want to be insensitive to your partner. On the other, you want to be true to yourself.

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

This is such a hard topic to discuss.

On one hand, you don’t want to be insensitive to your partner. On the other, you want to be true to yourself.

I exited my marriage over it

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Cummunication

We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

About the operations of the house, kids, bills, etc.? Yes. About what we need as people? Nope. She's very much on the extreme side of all things conservative and I am not with an ever widening gap. Also, it's more like I'm raising another child instead of having a mate.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

I heard somebody call it the Chick-fil-A Method. At the onset, ask, how are you and what would you like from me? This sets the tone and expectations.

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

I've been shut down far too many times, I listen, do what I can, but share nothing from within myself. It's the only way we plow on.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

I tried openly talking, we've been in marriage counseling for 4 years, and all it's done is make the machine of the family work more smoothly. There is zero emotional intimacy. I don't really "deal" with anything, just do what I have to and shut up and color.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

I'm not going to share the hardest one, but we've dealt with the end-of-life topic already. There was a time, in our late 20s, that doctors were going to send my wife home to die before my wife literally talked them into a novel procedure that had never been done before, they weren't even aware of it. She was the subject of the article that was published in the Journal of Neurosurgery in Feb 2016.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Ha! Nope!

What steps would you take if they did?

I've tried everything I've been told to. Sometimes, you just can't please someone.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

Not a chance in hell. Nope. I tried to once, it killed an already dying sex life. She knows next to nothing about me, sexually.

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?

Nope.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

It was like he sat up and said: Oh. You're serious?

People are so confusing.

I had a very similar experience during a discussion about what I needed to change.

I really don’t like it when I’m not taken seriously.

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

I exited my marriage over it

There isn’t the right reaction emoji for this.

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

There isn’t the right reaction emoji for this.

Yeah, where is the eggplant one when you need it?

 

[Love_Is_Blonde]

This is one of those things which sounds so obvious that we don't even question it.

What does 'communication' mean in this context?

This is what communication looks like:

Who’s picking up the kids from practice?
Are you getting dinner tonight or am I?
Did you pay that bill yet or do I still need to?
I hate my job; should I quit?
The doctor found a lump and I have to go back for a second mammogram. I’m scared.

Sometimes other things outweigh whether or not your husband is sexually compatable with you or not. Maybe he is a rockstar dad who your kids idolize and who somehow makes everything ok when things have looked their worst. Maybe you and he are really great at financial planning and you’ve built a great nest egg for your kids and you’re happy with that. Joy comes in lots of forms and you make choices.

What is the right answer? There is no clear cut way for anyone to make this call. You just have to do the best you can with the situation that YOU have. No one knows exactly what other people here have on his or her plates. You make your decision for you and hopefully we can all remember to keep in mind that we are more than just the one facet that we show here on this site.

 

[Endless_Night]

I really don’t like it when I’m not taken seriously.

Yeah. This was fire starter.

And very nearly relationship ending worthy in itself.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Offer advice when it's requested. Otherwise just listen and empathize.

This is nearly impossible for me. I can listen and empathize, but not solving the problem (assuming there is a solution) goes against everything in my soul.

Just listen. There’s this thing called active listening, where you listen to hear not listen so that you can respond. A lot of people only listen so they can say something back to someone else. Don’t do that.

This makes sense.

So sometimes, when everything else is working just perfectly, maybe it's better to shut the fuck up about the 2% which isn't? Or would you rather insist on laying it all out there and risk the whole shooting match for that 2%? Either way, do feel free to communicate your opinion - with great openness and candour, please.

I agree with much of this.

There's a difference between venting, making a random comment, and asking for advice. If in doubt, ask. That said, you should not have to listen to someone complain endlessly about the same old same old.

Okay, this is an important point. Venting is absolutely a time to listen and not respond. Sometimes everyone needs to just have that total meltdown and say everything that pisses them off. I’m totally cool with that. And I support listening and, if you need to smash some windows go for it!

Random comments, I’m going to ask questions. Believe it or not, I ask a lot of questions.

Endlessly complaining about the same thing? I cannot deal with this. I can’t stand when someone only wants to complain and take no effort to fix the problem. It drives me insane.

I think that looking at the reason behind why women want to be heard (huge generalization) and why someone offers advice, is a good start.

I agree. The “why” of things always matters.

And don’t wait until your anger is built up because then your (my) temper erupts and you say things that are not at all helpful.

What is the right answer? There is no clear cut way for anyone to make this call. You just have to do the best you can with the situation that YOU have. No one knows exactly what other people here have on his or her plates. You make your decision for you and hopefully we can all remember to keep in mind that we are more than just the one facet that we show here on this site.

 

[StillRain]

Just came in to say I’m sad I missed the blow job chat and really hope I don’t miss the hot boy anal chat.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Just came in to say I’m sad I missed the blow job chat and really hope I don’t miss the hot boy anal chat.

Blowjobs are always on the table. You didn’t miss anything.

 

[NRJLIVES4ever]

This is nearly impossible for me. I can listen and empathize, but not solving the problem (assuming there is a solution) goes against everything in my soul.

But sometimes there's not really a problem to solve. People, your partner specifically, needs to vent and that's okay. Just listen and be there. 9 times out of 10 if I'm venting I don't need advice. I just need someone to sit with me and be in my corner.

 

[Landshark1]

Let’s Go South Carolina Gamecocks!

 

[RosewoodTulip]

We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

N/A to an irl partner. I have the best I can I think online. I'm able to express myself and ask questions too.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

The answer is in the question. Just listen, don't problem solve. We often just need to say what's on our mind so we can try to figure out how to deal with it ourselves. If we do want a solution then we'll ask but most of the time we just want to know we're being listened to and understood.

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

Healthy communication is so important. Make time for each other. Don't assume everything is a personal attack. Also don't let resentment boil into anger, try and express any needs or frustrations as they happen.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

I'd leave.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

I'm not gonna trauma dump here but usually my hard and honest conversations were usually ignored or twisted so it seemed like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Maybe? I try to be open minded and empathetic but I also know I'm very guarded and insecure. It can't be easy for anyone who would want to get close to me.

What steps would you take if they did?

I'd obviously want to know why to see if it was something I could work on or if it was a fundamental difference in what we want.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

Fairly I think now when trying to get to know a potential date. Before I didn't really know what I wanted so couldn't ask for anything.

 

[Lmizzler]

Cummunication

We seem to agree that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but then why are so many people struggling to communicate?

Do you have good communication with your partner? Why?

It's great in certain areas and struggles in other areas. I'd take the blame for much of it I suppose. It is tough to address the difficult issues at times although crucial to a healthier relationship.

It’s often said that “women just want to be heard”. And when you offer advice (solutions), they look at you like you’re the biggest douchebag on the planet, how do we get around this?

Listening to hear vs listening to respond has already been talked about but this really is HUGE! (That's what she said.)

What steps do you take to keep the lines of communication open?

We try and do a regular couple mile walk together that lets us both discuss and air things out, while doing some physical activity so it isn't just pent up energy and emotion the whole time.

How do you deal with a partner who is impossible to communicate with or doesn’t see that there is a problem?

It's me isn't it. I'm that partner.

What was one of the hardest honest conversations you ever had with a partner?

We've had some monsters alright, but the best ones have been the most honest. The most pointed. And generally lacking too much emotion, because the ones fueled by emotion end up as monster fights instead of monster conversation .

Would you be surprised if your partner told you that you were difficult to talk to?

Not in the slightest. I'm a hot mess sometimes and pretty selfish.

What steps would you take if they did?

I'm constantly trying to just listen and not respond. Speaking positive words the rest of the week is helpful. Helping with daily chores, errands, and household responsibilities helps as well.

How open and honest are you about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires and perversions with your partner?

This is an area we struggle a bit more. Constant work in progress.

Has your partner ever shared something with you that blew your mind?

Absolutely, if they haven't then you may not be as close as you think you are.

 

[hotwords229_A]

We try and do a regular couple mile walk together that lets us both discuss and air things out, while doing some physical activity so it isn't just pent up energy and emotion the whole time.

I think this is important.
I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

 

[Lmizzler]

I think this is important.
I don’t know why walking makes talking easier, but it seems to.

Totally agree. Gets some good endorphins going as well as releasing some of the energy. Plus the vitamin D and fresh air.
Just makes the conversation happen a bit more naturally to me.

 

[Mei5ter]

I like being open. It’s not for everyone and you should do what works for you. I’m not you, so I expect your perspective to be different from mine. Is that bad or wrong? No. Just different.

Thank you - though neither the situation nor the perspective I floated here are my own. For what it's worth, I've been told I'm a very good communicator when I choose to be, and you can interpret that as you will!
But I thought the OP's question was a very interesting one, and was curious to see whether everyone feels about and defines communication similarly. There are plenty of people - and threads - on Lit which raise mismatched sex drive as an problem, so I picked that as something people here would be familiar with when questioning whether total openness was necessarily always best. I'm not sure whether I've made my mind up on this one?

Meanwhile, what I'm hearing is that you like to be open...

Just because you don’t share all aspects of yourself with a partner doesn’t mean you aren’t still incredibly effective at communicating with each other.

I definitely don’t share everything in my head with anyone else. I keep some things for me.

...but not about everything?

I guess my next impertinently personal question would be...who decides what you're open about when you need to have a difficult conversation?

 

[MedicalMuse]

Thank you - though neither the situation nor the perspective I floated here are my own. For what it's worth, I've been told I'm a very good communicator when I choose to be, and you can interpret that as you will!
But I thought the OP's question was a very interesting one, and was curious to see whether everyone feels about and defines communication similarly. There are plenty of people - and threads - on Lit which raise mismatched sex drive as an problem, so I picked that as something people here would be familiar with when questioning whether total openness was necessarily always best. I'm not sure whether I've made my mind up on this one?

Always good to keep an open mind.

Meanwhile, what I'm hearing is that you like to be open...

...but not about everything?

Yep.

I guess my next impertinently personal question would be...who decides what you're open about when you need to have a difficult conversation?

When it’s detrimental to my sanity and wellbeing, then I am better about sharing. If things are progressing in a way that requires communication there isn’t a reason not to be open. But always with kindness. I don’t want truth to be a weapon.