Dealing with changing group dynamics

[Eilan]

So, give her the seat that is caked with dog hairs and explain the reasoning.

I was sitting there, actually. With one of the dogs.

Regardless of where the meetings are held, I have to sit on the couch. There's an amusing history behind it, which I'd go into now, but I have to leave shortly to pick up my kiddies from school.

 

[EJFan]

i'd just stare at her with a lustful look, swat her on the ass and give her a vibrator for christmas.

then again, i'm a prick.

 

[Quoll]

i'd just stare at her with a lustful look, swat her on the ass and give her a vibrator for christmas.

then again, i'm a prick.

LMFAO

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[EJFan]

would you really do that?

yeah. assuming i could get a vibrator for a fairly low price. i mean you can only get so far in solving a problem by throwing money at it.

 

[Eilan]

I encourage you to share the story with us when you return/have time.

Back in January of 2000, well before Ms. AR's time, Ms. CL picked a book called The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve. I don't know if any of you are familiar with this book, but I found it to be a steaming piece of shit, and my best friend agreed with me. We happened to be sitting together on the couch during that particular book group meeting, and we spent a good deal of the meeting making snarky comments about the improbablilty of much of the book's action. On that day, the Couch Dwellers were born, and only people who can dish out the snark are worthy of a spot on the couch.

That's not to say that we don't have serious discussions about the books or that our discussion of The Pilot's Wife wasn't serious.

Seems to me that last person there should get last choice in chair selection. I mean, we learned that when we were 3, didn't we?

Ms. CL generally ends up sitting on a dining room chair or something equally uncomfortable. Another consequence of being late.

FWIW, Ms. CL lives maybe 1,000 feet from her daughter's school, and the kid is late for school on a regular basis, to the point where she's always in a bit of trouble with school officials.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

and thus your permanent spot in the reserved seating section.

OK, I think I had some comprehension problems earlier since I thought Ms. AR was also the late one. Duh.

CL=Chronically Late

AR=Anal Retentive

 

[SweetErika]

Back in January of 2000, well before Ms. AR's time, Ms. CL picked a book called The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve. I don't know if any of you are familiar with this book, but I found it to be a steaming piece of shit, and my best friend agreed with me. We happened to be sitting together on the couch during that particular book group meeting, and we spent a good deal of the meeting making snarky comments about the improbablilty of much of the book's action. On that day, the Couch Dwellers were born, and only people who can dish out the snark are worthy of a spot on the couch.

Is that the Oprah's Book Club selection about the pilot who disappeared, only to be found to have been leading a double life, with a family in London or something? I read it on a trip, but wouldn't choose it for a book club! It's kind of one of those mindless beach books.

 

[Eilan]

Is that the Oprah's Book Club selection about the pilot who disappeared, only to be found to have been leading a double life, with a family in London or something? I read it on a trip, but wouldn't choose it for a book club! It's kind of one of those mindless beach books.

Yes. He died when the plane went down, and that's when the truth came out.

Ms. CL's book choices are typically that type of book. She has sentimental tastes, and I don't mean that in a good way.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes. He died when the plane went down, and that's when the truth came out.

Ms. CL's book choices are typically that type of book. She has sentimental tastes, and I don't mean that in a good way.

Perhaps she would be better suited for Oprah's club then.

 

[boot lover]

I don't normally get involved this sort of thing but this one made me chuckle. I honestly don't understand how anyone can put up with that sort of behavour for very long and it sounds like you have doing just that,Eilan. I understand why you do,just don't how.
If I were in that situation, I'd have let both CL and AR know exactly what I thought of them and their behavour. Not to sound sexest or anything but I think that is one difference between mens and womans groups. Men will let you know if you are pissing them off and to smarten up.

I have to ask you Eilan,--maybe I missed this somewhere in the thread-- if CL and AR are anoying and from what I read, are questionable in their contrabutions, what are they still doing in the group?????

 

[Eilan]

I have to ask you Eilan,--maybe I missed this somewhere in the thread-- if CL and AR are anoying and from what I read, are questionable in their contrabutions, what are they still doing in the group?????

Because I don't have the authority to kick their worthless asses to the curb.

 

[EJFan]

Because I don't have the authority to kick their worthless asses to the curb.

[cartman] they must respect your authoritaaaaaay [/cartman]

 

[Eilan]

[cartman] they must respect your authoritaaaaaay [/cartman]

Screw you guys--I'm going home!

Actually, if I were to push the issue, I'd end up either getting kicked out or leaving. I almost quit a year ago because of them.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan: what if everybody else but them quits? :>

ed

 

[Eilan]

eilan: what if everybody else but them quits? :>

ed

Good question. Wish it were a viable option.

We're moving the February meeting back an hour (to 4:00) because Ms AR's in a community theatre production that weekend. Even with the time change, she'll still be an hour late, but we decided that she could just be late..

On the plus side, the meeting's at Ms. CL's house. She can't be late for it--can she?

 

[EJFan]

eilan: what if everybody else but them quits? :>

ed

my guess is that they could sit around and make each other miserable.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan queried
she can't be late for it--can she?

o, foolish, foolish eilan...do you really want the universe to answer that?

ed

 

[boot lover]

Because I don't have the authority to kick their worthless asses to the curb.

OK, fair enough. More questions though.

1: Is there someone "in charge"?? President??
2: Are there membership fees/dues??
3: Are there other people in this group that like AR and/or CL ??

 

[Eilan]

1: Is there someone "in charge"?? President??No. One member is the semi-official secretary. She takes care of printing out schedules and sending out mass emails when necessary, but we don't have a real hierarchy. In the past, the group chemistry has been such that it's never been an issue. Though lately, when it comes to certain issues, such as scheduling, that people have been indecisive about, one of the members and I have started saying, "This is the way it's gonna be."

2: Are there membership fees/dues??Nope. The group started out 10 years ago as a group of six women (all either faculty or alumni of a local college) who like reading and like each other's company. Two of the current members are charter members. Ms. CL and I were invited to join in 1999. Ms. AR was the last member invited to join. We're informal, as in we don't require presentations or anything like that, though a few of us tend to bring supplementary materials to the meetings when our selections are being discussed. We meet at 3:00. There's usually a bit of small talk, and then we eat and discuss the book for an hour or more, and we end up taking care of any scheduling issues that need to be addressed before the next meeting, and then we talk about other things, mostly campus gossip.

3: Are there other people in this group that like AR and/or CL ??AR is probably more well-liked that CL, but that's not saying much. AR is a coworker of another member (and was a former coworker of mine when I worked). They're tolerated.

To be honest, I don't really "know" Ms. AR. Through the years, the group members have shared intimate details of our lives, but she doesn't talk about herself and she's not one for answering questions. She does, however, tend to talk way too much about her medical problems and bodily functions. I know, for example, that she's prone to earwax accumulation and bladder infection.

We've made some strides with Ms. AR. When she joined, she knew when we met, but she was always trying to get the date/time changed, and we eventually had to tell her that this is the way it's been and that perhaps she shouldn't be a member because it's not fair for the rest of us to change our plans because of one person. She seemed to get the hint.

What's most frustrating right now is that the hosts try hard to make sure things are to her liking, but it's never good enough, and she doesn't extend the same courtesy when she hosts.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan quoth
what's most frustrating right now is that the hosts try hard to make sure things are to her liking, but it's never good enough, and she doesn't extend the same courtesy when she hosts.

can someone club her w/ the guilt stick?

ed

 

[midwestyankee]

What's most frustrating right now is that the hosts try hard to make sure things are to her liking, but it's never good enough, and she doesn't extend the same courtesy when she hosts.

Some people require this sort of imbalance in their favor. It's impossible to please them because that's what satisfies them: controlling their environment through forcing others to cater to them. It's a matter of their character and not likely to change. Aside from their getting therapy for it and changing, there is rarely a successful solution within a group when such a person takes over. The only viable answer is removal. (Wishing there were a better option, seeing as how much of my experience with this comes from my mother-in-law and both of her daughters)

 

[Eilan]

I'm not looking for advice at the moment. This is just an update for those of you who followed the saga in its early days:

Ms. CL hasn't attended a meeting since February, when the meeting was at her house. The friend of mine who serves as the unofficial group secretary contacted her periodically to make sure that everything was okay. Her response was that everything was fine, but she was really busy (who isn't?) with her daughter and the community theater that she volunteers for. Then she stopped answering the phone and returning my friend's messages.

The rest of us were concerned that we wouldn't have a place to hold the meeting once it was her turn to host in September. We discussed the situation and decided to take her name off the hosting rotation for the time being. My friend wrote Ms. CL a letter explaining that we weren't kicking her out of the group or anything like that, but, because she'd been so busy with other things, we were taking her name out of the hosting rotation. I thought it was too polite, particularly since in recent months she hadn't bothered to let us know that she wouldn't be attending the meetings. She just stopped coming, and frankly, she hasn't been missed.

Now, however, Ms. CL is pissed at my friend. Really, though, she should be pissed at all of us because we made the decision to send the letter as a group. She's apparently talked to a couple of the members about the letter, and they kinda downplayed their role in what happened. Spineless fucks. If she talked to me, I'd be glad to tell her exactly what I thought about the whole situation, but she won't call me. Odd.

Now if we could just get rid of Ms. AR. . .