Disinterested Partners: The Flip Side

[TBKahuna123]

Thank you for that. I needed a gentle reminder.

No problem. I know this is easy to forget and it just happens to be the #1 issue that my wife and I face. Our work schedules are so hectic that it often gets in the way of our relationship. We knew that we could either learn to deal with it or watch our relationship disintegrate. That doesn't mean that life doesn't cause stress still, it just means we know that it's not an insurmountable problem.

If you want to keep the passion in your relationship you can. I truly believe that at least half the answer is WANTING to hav that intimacy.

 

[HandFan]

I am someone who is currently dealing with a dissinterested spouse. Luckily he is working with me by going counselling thank God! So the future may get brighter!

I can talk openly about having at one time been the dissinterested sex partner. For the first couple of years of my marriage, which should have been overflowing with sex, I struggled with a complete lack of sex drive. Eilan, you are very right that there often are non-sexual problems going on in the relationship that cause a lack of desire. For me, The Pill was the cause of my personal sexual problems. I can look back on that time and know clearly that the drug that was suppose to make lovemaking with my husband much more enjoyable, did nothing but ruin it. Taking it totally killed my sex drive, left me utterly dry down there, caused depression, and a general dislike of affection of any kind. It was so weird to go through those feelings, because I'm a very sexual and affectionate person by nature, and to feel all of that drain from me slowly as the artifical hormones raged through my body was very mentally and physically hurtful. My husband didn't believe me at the time when I started to suspect that The Pill was causing my issues. He thought that I was just using it as an excuse not to have sex with him, when what I was really doing was begging him to help me find a solution to the problem. Well his disbelief didn't help much, or help with my trust issues. He has since apologized for his disbelief in me, and I do accept his apology, but I can't say that it didn't leave a little scar on my heart.

Well I can say, thanks to my husband's willingness to have a vasectomy, he's got his frisky kitten back in spades...now if I can just get him caught up to me again, with the help of our counsellor, then our intimate life should be on track again.

 

[Guest]

 

[HandFan]

Thanks Scaly!

 

[TBKahuna123]

I am someone who is currently dealing with a dissinterested spouse. Luckily he is working with me by going counselling thank God! So the future may get brighter!

I can talk openly about having at one time been the dissinterested sex partner. For the first couple of years of my marriage, which should have been overflowing with sex, I struggled with a complete lack of sex drive. Eilan, you are very right that there often are non-sexual problems going on in the relationship that cause a lack of desire. For me, The Pill was the cause of my personal sexual problems. I can look back on that time and know clearly that the drug that was suppose to make lovemaking with my husband much more enjoyable, did nothing but ruin it. Taking it totally killed my sex drive, left me utterly dry down there, caused depression, and a general dislike of affection of any kind. It was so weird to go through those feelings, because I'm a very sexual and affectionate person by nature, and to feel all of that drain from me slowly as the artifical hormones raged through my body was very mentally and physically hurtful. My husband didn't believe me at the time when I started to suspect that The Pill was causing my issues. He thought that I was just using it as an excuse not to have sex with him, when what I was really doing was begging him to help me find a solution to the problem. Well his disbelief didn't help much, or help with my trust issues. He has since apologized for his disbelief in me, and I do accept his apology, but I can't say that it didn't leave a little scar on my heart.

Well I can say, thanks to my husband's willingness to have a vasectomy, he's got his frisky kitten back in spades...now if I can just get him caught up to me again, with the help of our counsellor, then our intimate life should be on track again.

Well I have a firm belief that if both parties WANT to fix the problem, that they can find a way. I too wish you all the best, and I think you are on the right path.

As for your story about being on the pill, that's not really a unique one, unfortunately. The pill can basically make your body react menopausal, which is what you are describing.

As for the trust issue, I understand how hurtful that could be. Something you have to do though is look at it from his perspective. You mentioned that it was early in your marriage, and it takes a while to really get to know your partner, years even. My wife and I have had a few incidents like this regarding non-sexual things too and it does take a long time to forget. If you look at it from the other person's perspective though, and really try to understand their feelings, it easier to let the scar tissue fade away. Things like this happen in a marriage because when you are that close, that open to someone, it doesn't take as much to hurt you. The important thing though is that he was willing to say he was sorry and admit that he was in the wrong. That's harder for us guys than you think.

Good luck to you dear, have hope!

 

[Eilan]

I am someone who is currently dealing with a dissinterested spouse. Luckily he is working with me by going counselling thank God! So the future may get brighter!

Good to hear it, HandFan! I hope things work out for the two of you.

 

[Programmer Cat]

I have to admit that I have been the disinterested spouse, though the problem was not nearly as great as those described by the rest of you. Basically, I couldn't please my wife because I didn't know what the hell I was doing when we first got married, and nothing we tried worked. Granted, she could masturbate to orgasm, but that didn't do anything for my guilt trip. For about two weeks I just shut down, sexually. I was still physically affectionate, but I didn't bother initiating sex.

 

[pplwatching]

I passed on this thread before because something I read led me to believe it was something else. Also, since I've posted our experiences before I didn't think people would be particularly interested in hearing our experiences again. Still, I want to throw my relationship into collective weight that is hopefully giving people the motivation to keep trying when faced with this issue because it's important to me.

For me, The Pill was the cause of my personal sexual problems. I can look back on that time and know clearly that the drug that was suppose to make lovemaking with my husband much more enjoyable, did nothing but ruin it. Taking it totally killed my sex drive, left me utterly dry down there, caused depression, and a general dislike of affection of any kind. It was so weird to go through those feelings, because I'm a very sexual and affectionate person by nature, and to feel all of that drain from me slowly as the artifical hormones raged through my body was very mentally and physically hurtful.

My wife and I went through this. Even when my wife was going through this, she wanted very much for us to have a happy and healthy sex life which I think made her more depressed. When my wife went to her OB/GYN to talk about her libido, she didn't get much help. The OB, a younger woman MD with only a few years of private practice, talked about the dangers and risks of hormone supplements, but didn't address the pill as the source of the problem.

I then got online and found a web page that was a big circle of birth control pills. It listed symptoms, and which pill to switch to given the symptoms. Low libido, bleeding, etc. I thought to myself that this was terrible. I didn't want my wife to go through years of moving around that chart, and not because I wanted sex. On her next visit, I went with her and we made it clear to the OB that we were both unhappy with the situation. The OB took us to her desk and we all sat down and talked about family planning, which is interesting when you've already got two kids. I told the OB that I would rather deal with condoms that watch my wife go through this, so that's what we decided to do. Later we had a bad time with the IUD and we're still using condoms today.

While we were in the throws of sexual dysfunction we did a lot of soul searching. I think that my wife summed it up best for us when she said, "I think that my father in law is the sexiest man alive because he voluntarily does more dishes than any man I've ever met." When I have to work late for long stretches, and frankly even when I'm home but puttering on the car or computer, my wife gets stuck helping with the kid's school, the laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping, paying bills, getting the kids to bed, getting the kids ready for school, and so on. The list is pretty long, and that's on top of getting herself ready for work and putting in a day at the office. It's no surprise that when she's that stressed she's not in the mood for sex when I come to bed.

It's very unfair to view her lack of sex drive at those times as causing problems in our marriage, when it's largely my lack of participation in other aspects of the marriage that makes her overworked, overstressed, and underappreciated. But, that's exactly what I did a few years ago. I was seriously unhappy with our sex life and was bitter about it. I felt that if the sex was better the marriage would be better. The truth was that we were out of touch with each other even when we shared a bed and the sex was just a symptom. We talked about sex, but we didn't talk about the fact that my wife needed more support from me.

So, we went to a marriage counselor. I came to realize that while I loved and appreciated her I was going to have to demonstrate it more and put some effort in around the house even tho I was tired and burned out after a hard day at work. I also realized that I needed to take responsibility for romance and seduction, and not just because I wanted more sex. Those are the things that make her feel wanted and desired, and I really want her to feel that way because I love her. That in turn makes her want more sex with me.

So, I work on my kids homework and do the dishes if they need to be done, pick up and sweep the floor if it's dirty, turn off the computer if she's got the time to spend with me, and ask her out on a date every chance I get. In turn, she often comes to bed wanting sex and is starting to enjoy a bit of kink too. She knows I would do anything for her, and she's willing to do anything for me.

 

[reallyred]

Man, you could be talking about me and my dh. I have been the disinterested party for most of our marriage. As soon as I became pregnant with our son my sex drive went to zero and dh didn't really understand so i would reluctantly give in just to shut him up. Over the past 6 years we have only had sex a handfull of times. Mostly because of me. I am petrified of getting pregnant again and he won't get a vascetomy and I won't take the pill (not a good candidate for that) or get my tubes tied.

Well, add to this that my dh has put on so much weight that I am not attracted to him.

Honestly I did not get my sex drive back for a few years, I was having severe back pain and he didn't understand how much it hurt to have sex.

Now, I got my sex drive back and even made efforts to have sex with him and I gave up because he just doesn't get that sometimes, actually most times all I want is for him to be involved in our day to day lives. Sweep, wash a dish or two, be the damn man of the house, take time to actually play with our son.

He suggested counseling about 4 months ago and I said I am willing to go, you make the appointment and I'll go. To date, he has not made an appointment and occassionally will ask me what's on my schedule so he can make the appointment but he never does.
I really fear that I'll never have sex again ( and that will just not do, I am now peri-menopausal and my hormones are making me horny night and day!!) if I am in this marriage.

I may have strayed off topic there, sorry. I guess I needed to vent a bit.

 

[bobsgirl]

Maybe if your husband won't make an appointment with a counselor, you should be the one to take the first step? Just getting the ball rolling can give you a bit of positive energy to make things better.

Even if he won't go, there isn't anything wrong with going by yourself. You might be able to work through the negative feelings you have about your marriage.

Good luck, reallyred. I hope things get better for you.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Maybe if your husband won't make an appointment with a counselor, you should be the one to take the first step? Just getting the ball rolling can give you a bit of positive energy to make things better.

I have to agree with BG on this one.

Here's the thing, you want him to take charge and be the man of the house, as you said, I hear ya, and I agree he should do that, but if you want to go to counselling you might need to take that first step. It may very well be that he's frustrated as well, that he's lost his drive because of all the issues you've had in your marriage. This is very common, and someone's got to take that first step, though many times partners seem to wait for the other person to take it. I had friends who went through this because they both had the attitude of "if the he/she wants to save our marriage, THEY better do some thing about it." That stubbornness cost them a chance at saving their relationship.

I'm not trying to defend him or say your feelings are wrong, because they aren't at all. What you have dealt with regarding your sex drive is very common and not some figment of your imagination. The problem is, your dh's lack of understanding and disgruntled attitude is also very common. Just as many women think they're the only one's with this problem, so guys think their wives are just being frigid and doing it to spite them and they take it personally. It's all about a lack of education, I think.

So then you reach the point you are at now. What it sounds like you lack most in your relationship is communication, and that is what has compounded your problems. I know I sound like a broken record, but that is the most important thing. At this point, it's probably too late to build that communication, on your own that is. This is where a good marriage counselor will help, because that's really all they do is facilitate communication. The problem is that someone has to swallow their pride and make that first call.

Good luck to you dear, I know how frustrating this can be. Take heart in the fact that you aren't alone and that others have worked this same issue out many times over. I hope all works out just as well for you.

 

[reallyred]

Thanks for your input. I already have a counselor and I agree that dh and I have no communication and that's the real issue.

Part of the reason why he needs to make the appointment himself is because he always always "forgets" to do important things and then at the last minute asks me to do it.

Thanks again.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks for your input. I already have a counselor and I agree that dh and I have no communication and that's the real issue.

You're welcome. I knew you could see that, just figured I'd restate the obvious because it is so important.

Part of the reason why he needs to make the appointment himself is because he always always "forgets" to do important things and then at the last minute asks me to do it.

This is exactly what I mean though. This is that vicious cycle and something that needs to change to make your relationship work. At some point that cycle needs to be broken and someone needs to swallow their pride. No, you shouldn't have to do this, yes it's unfair to you, but it's also fairly obvious that you could spend years waiting for him to break the cycle himself while your marriage continues to degenerate. If you really want to save your relationship the sooner the better, and that sounds to me like it means you having to take one for the team and make that appointment for the two of you. If you wait for him to get there on his own, it might be too late.

Like I said, I've seen this happen exactly like this before. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but you need to do one of the things that is making you unhappy if you want to fix this and become happy. You deserve happiness.

 

[reallyred]

I decided to "help" things along with making the counselor appointment. Found out that DH was having trouble finding someone who took our insurance so I called the insurance co. and got some names and instructions on the proper way to book the appointment. Our policy does not cover marraige/couples counseling but the Rep. told me how to get around this.

That night I told DH about the info I found and gave him the list of names and voila......One week later we have an appointment with a counselor.

That's in about 45 minutes from now. I'm a bit nervous because I think he percieves a session as a chance to yell at me (I HATE being yelled at.....makes me totally shut down) and blame me for everything. My individual counselor worked with me on making a non-threatning list of issues for me to use at this session tonight so I'm not super nervous....just a little.
Wish me luck!

 

[Eilan]

That's in about 45 minutes from now. I'm a bit nervous because I think he percieves a session as a chance to yell at me (I HATE being yelled at.....makes me totally shut down) and blame me for everything. My individual counselor worked with me on making a non-threatning list of issues for me to use at this session tonight so I'm not super nervous....just a little.
Wish me luck!

Hope things went well. Keep us posted.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Hope things went well. Keep us posted.

INdeed, keep us posted.

I'm gonna rant a little bit here. I find it appalling that an insurance company would not cover couple marital counselling. With all the bullshit we hear thrown around about the importance of family and dissolving family unit (which I agree with ), you'd think this would be a given! Oh well, I have to remember this isn't a practice what you preach kind of society. My idealism just getting in the way again.

Good luck dear, please do keep us posted.

 

[reallyred]

Well, we've had two sessions with the counselor so far. He's a nice man and I think he will be a good neutral third party. He suggested that we have two sessions together, one each separately then one more together for his assessment.
So next week DH has his solo appointment. His first ever, I think. I, on the other hand, am familiar with counseling and the process and blah blah blah.
Then a few days later I have my solo appointment.

Already it seems some of our communication issues are coming to the surface. I am beginning to make a list of things that I have problems with so I don't forget to tell the Dr.
Anyhow, no changes at home yet. DH still does nothing at all when he is home. He would rather encourage our son to play video games on a beautiful day than to take him outside and practice baseball!!! So, I end up doing that stuff.......That's an item for the list.

Already my stress level has been reduced greatly. I feel like I can concentrate now so i have finally begun to loose the "quit smoking weight"!!!

I'm beginning to ramble so I'll go now. Just wanted to update y'all!

 

[SweetErika]

Well, we've had two sessions with the counselor so far. He's a nice man and I think he will be a good neutral third party. He suggested that we have two sessions together, one each separately then one more together for his assessment.
So next week DH has his solo appointment. His first ever, I think. I, on the other hand, am familiar with counseling and the process and blah blah blah.
Then a few days later I have my solo appointment.

Already it seems some of our communication issues are coming to the surface. I am beginning to make a list of things that I have problems with so I don't forget to tell the Dr.
Anyhow, no changes at home yet. DH still does nothing at all when he is home. He would rather encourage our son to play video games on a beautiful day than to take him outside and practice baseball!!! So, I end up doing that stuff.......That's an item for the list.

Already my stress level has been reduced greatly. I feel like I can concentrate now so i have finally begun to loose the "quit smoking weight"!!!

I'm beginning to ramble so I'll go now. Just wanted to update y'all!

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, RR! Empowered, that's the word.

 

[reallyred]

Thanks! Empowered, yes that's it!
As The Fab Four sang to us: It's getting better all the time!

 

[kaycee217]

I'm resurrecting an old thread I just found because I think it's perfectly applicable today and some might find it useful.

I do have a related question which technically is off topic, but I will ask anyways: given what's been said here (nonsexual issues between (among?) the parties, hormones, PPD, lack of communication, etc.) is there ever a situation where cheating on your significant other is justified? I know it's never right, but before spending time on Lit, I felt that no one ever had an "excuse" to cheat. But after spending time on Lit, I've come to the understanding that maybe it's at least understandable. Perhaps I would be looking to stray if I were in the same boat as some of the Lit posters? Hmmm, I hope I never have to find out.

Just curious as to any thoughts the OP or anyone else might have.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm resurrecting an old thread I just found because I think it's perfectly applicable today and some might find it useful.

I do have a related question which technically is off topic, but I will ask anyways: given what's been said here (nonsexual issues between (among?) the parties, hormones, PPD, lack of communication, etc.) is there ever a situation where cheating on your significant other is justified? I know it's never right, but before spending time on Lit, I felt that no one ever had an "excuse" to cheat. But after spending time on Lit, I've come to the understanding that maybe it's at least understandable. Perhaps I would be looking to stray if I were in the same boat as some of the Lit posters? Hmmm, I hope I never have to find out.

Just curious as to any thoughts the OP or anyone else might have.

I doubt if you'll find much support here for out and out cheating. However, some circumstances might be severe enough that two partners could come to an agreement that allows one partner to get certain itches scratched elsewhere. Consensual non-monogamy is not as rare as it might seem and it's quite doable for people who are willing to engage in serious communication with one another. It may—probably will—involve rules and limitations to keep both partners happy but that's a light price to pay for happiness, don't you think?

 

[kaycee217]

I doubt if you'll find much support here for out and out cheating. However, some circumstances might be severe enough that two partners could come to an agreement that allows one partner to get certain itches scratched elsewhere. Consensual non-monogamy is not as rare as it might seem and it's quite doable for people who are willing to engage in serious communication with one another. It may—probably will—involve rules and limitations to keep both partners happy but that's a light price to pay for happiness, don't you think?

Yes, it is a light "price" to pay considering the alternative. I suppose it works when both parties are being reasonable. But are both parties always reasonable and empathetic?

 

[sunandshadow]

Wow what a fascinating thread, I love to learn about psychology like this. Makes me want to write a romance novel where the couple conquers a sexual disinterest issue.

I don't think I really have anything to contribute - I did at one point decide I wasn't happy with the relationship I was in and had to take a firm stand and not give in when that person tried to tempt me into sex any more, but that's kind of the opposite thing, I wanted sex but was becoming somewhat repulsed by having it with him because I was realizing more and more that he was just the wrong partner for me.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yes, it is a light "price" to pay considering the alternative. I suppose it works when both parties are being reasonable. But are both parties always reasonable and empathetic?

It's a very individual thing. If two people can be reasonable in their dealings with each other in most ways, the chances are good that they could be reasonable in talking about non-monogamy, too.

 

[kaycee217]

It's a very individual thing. If two people can be reasonable in their dealings with each other in most ways, the chances are good that they could be reasonable in talking about non-monogamy, too.

I agree, but I also think those that are reasonable and honest with each other can work out their sexual incongruities, even without resorting to non-monogamy.