Do you need to like your sub or dom?

[MissTaken]

Seems there is a common theme here

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

For me, yes.

 

[oh nurse]

Re: Can Y/you say AMEN???

Well stated!!! I would have loved to have been the one to say it first!!!!
PET

Thank you, PET

 

[Netzach]

Not really. But I find that if I respect and trust someone who's kind of an asshole but has some admirable traits I get to kinda liking them in spite of myself.

 

[ownedsubgal]

so a born submissive equates to a "doormat with zero self esteem"?? *sigh*

some view submission as a gift. those would be those submissives who consciously CHOOSE to submit, who are submissive because it comes naturally to them but only in certain circumstances and always within their own control. for them, when they submit, it is a gift. but that is not the way it is for all. my submissiveness is an innate part of who i am. it as much a given as the fact that if you tickle the bottoms of my feet, i'll wiggle and squirm all over the place. it's instinct for me, not choice. has nothing to do with what i want to be/do but who and what i am. and personally, i like who i am. further, my Master LOVES who i am. and that is all that matters in the grand scheme of things. "i" am a gift, not my submission. and obviously, there is at least one person on this earth that finds me to be quite the rare and beautiful treasure.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebonyfire said:

My subs do like me, and continue to do so even when our relationship has ended.

That, to me, is the sign of a classy Dom/me or person. I have seen this quality in a few people, both vanilla and kinky, in my area, and it's pretty darn special and shows a lot of maturity.

- justina

Thanks. I failed to add that I like them, not only as submissives but as men. And believe me, they are men!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

Why would you want to trust someone you disliked?

That seems very counterproductive.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Now submitting to someone? In the D/s sense? That is an entirely different thing. I could never submit to anyone I didn't respect or trust..

I do not blame you. As a Domme, I would never allow a Dom/me I did not know or respect come within smelling distance of my sub.

Because of that my subs will submit to anyone I give permission to. They know I will not put them in harm's way.

 

[oh nurse]

so a born submissive equates to a "doormat with zero self esteem"?? *sigh*

I am also a born submissive, trained from birth (by example, my mother was submissive).

Dogs roll over for anyone to scratch their bellies.
May I ask...
Is your relationship r/l or virtual?

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

so a born submissive equates to a "doormat with zero self esteem"?? *sigh*

some view submission as a gift. those would be those submissives who consciously CHOOSE to submit, who are submissive because it comes naturally to them but only in certain circumstances and always within their own control. for them, when they submit, it is a gift. but that is not the way it is for all. my submissiveness is an innate part of who i am. it as much a given as the fact that if you tickle the bottoms of my feet, i'll wiggle and squirm all over the place. it's instinct for me, not choice. has nothing to do with what i want to be/do but who and what i am. and personally, i like who i am. further, my Master LOVES who i am. and that is all that matters in the grand scheme of things. "i" am a gift, not my submission. and obviously, there is at least one person on this earth that finds me to be quite the rare and beautiful treasure.

sweetheart
Tis not the fact of being born to this that i felt deserved an objection..the way you worded it made it sound as if anyone with the right Dominant trait could have you do whatever, whenever. That, my dear, is NOT submission...that is doormat material. I am inately masochistic. This is ME yet...just because it's apart of me does not mean i will lay down for the first person who comes along and offers to beat me senseless. Same thing with submission...i find that i want to gift my submission to any female who is Dominant...but i don't. They have to earn that RIGHT. Whether you are born to be, or are trained to be, submissive the fact remains that if you offer your submission to just anyone...well then you are showing no self respect or control. Mayhap, you see it differently or mayhap, that is not what you meant..but in the parameters you have set...that is what i SEE.
Anyway...i hope things stay well for you
PET

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Why would you want to trust someone you disliked?

That seems very counterproductive.

Well, you might find that you really dont' like your physician, but knowing he is the best available to you, you might continue to see him.

So, perhaps, at a play party, a submissive might find yourself in the position where you can be with someone you dont' really like, but you do respect their technique, ethics and skill as a Dominant.

Let's say you are really aching for a scene.

Do you still say "no?"

For the record, I would only fully submit to someone I liked as well as trusted. As the thread title indicates some relationship or possession, yes, I have to like "my" Dom or "my" sub.

 

[Desdemona]

sweetheart
Tis not the fact of being born to this that i felt deserved an objection..the way you worded it made it sound as if anyone with the right Dominant trait could have you do whatever, whenever. That, my dear, is NOT submission...that is doormat material. I am inately masochistic. This is ME yet...just because it's apart of me does not mean i will lay down for the first person who comes along and offers to beat me senseless. Same thing with submission...i find that i want to gift my submission to any female who is Dominant...but i don't. They have to earn that RIGHT. Whether you are born to be, or are trained to be, submissive the fact remains that if you offer your submission to just anyone...well then you are showing no self respect or control. Mayhap, you see it differently or mayhap, that is not what you meant..but in the parameters you have set...that is what i SEE.
Anyway...i hope things stay well for you
PET

Well said, PET. I've been struggling with how to respond to ownedsubgal myself. Thank you. My submissive nature is also innate to me. Its an instinct to submit when dealing with someone who is dominant. I resist that urge; no matter how strong. My submission is reserved for Snooze alone.

 

[SexyChele]

Is anyone here involved with someone who you don't share anything with (tastes, politics, etc.) outside of BDSM? Do you have to have someone you would be at least friends with non-sexually? I'm rapidly coming the conclusion that I do.

The last Dominant I was with (before I figured out the lifestyle really wasn't something for me), was some one I shared very little with outside the bedroom. It might have been that he was several years younger than me, I don't know. I tried to like him, I really did. But I couldn't. I trusted him. He knew what he was doing. But I needed some one I could relate to on other levels as well. He tried, I tried, it just wasn't there. So, yeah, I would need to have some one I can connect with outside of our sexuality.

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

No, I don't think so. My above situation was like that. Oh, maybe I liked the guy on a certain level - I certain didn't find him to be a totally disgusting human being! But, for me, there wasn't any "chemistry". However, I did trust him and respected him for the person he was. I just hoped he could find some one who could really "like" him for who he was. He deserved that and I couldn't give it to him.

 

[WriterDom]

If I disliked her wouldn't that be an invitation to abuse? I could play with a stranger, but not with someone I didn't like.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Well, you might find that you really dont' like your physician, but knowing he is the best available to you, you might continue to see him.

No way. If I did not trust my physician, he (or she) would be history. I would not continue to see him, so that does not follow.

 

[Croctden]

I am sorry....but i have to answer this with a ....

Duh?

Of course you have to like them.....how can you trust someone you don't like?

Umm...I'm a top, I don't need to trust my partners. I haven't always trusted them to be competent at anything even if I do like them.

Also have you ever heard of "the oldest profession in world?" People do it without any more trust than a Franklin all the time.

I originally asked this question because I have never played with someone I was not close too. I always assumed I could, but now I think it would be too mechanical. I would not feel tender at all. Bad for you. I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to test this out, it's not as though all my enemies are coming to me and begging to be spanked.

 

[Croctden]

Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

I'd say hell no. There are assholes who are good at what they do, are honorable. I know lots of people view me this way.

I think we're also discover dom/sub difference. Subs reasonable want to be more comfortable with who they are playing with.

I was not necessarily speaking of a relationship - just an encounter. And not necessarily your worst enemy. Could you play with some you had nothing besides BDSM in common with?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Seems there is a common theme here

I was not necessarily speaking of a relationship - just an encounter. And not necessarily your worst enemy. Could you play with some you had nothing besides BDSM in common with?

Sure. Have done. I call it target practice.

 

[ownedsubgal]

sweetheart
Tis not the fact of being born to this that i felt deserved an objection..the way you worded it made it sound as if anyone with the right Dominant trait could have you do whatever, whenever. That, my dear, is NOT submission...that is doormat material. I am inately masochistic. This is ME yet...just because it's apart of me does not mean i will lay down for the first person who comes along and offers to beat me senseless. Same thing with submission...i find that i want to gift my submission to any female who is Dominant...but i don't. They have to earn that RIGHT. Whether you are born to be, or are trained to be, submissive the fact remains that if you offer your submission to just anyone...well then you are showing no self respect or control. Mayhap, you see it differently or mayhap, that is not what you meant..but in the parameters you have set...that is what i SEE.
Anyway...i hope things stay well for you
PET

again you are speaking as if our submission is something we all can control, and that is not the case for everyone. i often hated the way i was, for many years i thought i was just plain screwed up, because i could never say no, or run away, or fight, or do anything to prevent bad things from happening to me short of locking myself inside my home (and no i'm not exaggerating). it is why even now as owned property, i am not permitted to set foot outside the door alone, nor am i allowed to ever answer the door. some might view it as a prisonlike existence, but for me it's a comfort as it keeps me safe. if i were free to roam, even to some place mundane and ordinary like the grocery store, then i could encounter the wrong sort of person and something could happen that my Master does not wish to happen. so i'm kept under lock and key, fairly isolated. this is the only way to "control" my submission...to control my movements and exposure to the outside world. for me it is not merely a "struggle" not to submit, it is an impossibility. has nothing whatever to do with the person being Dominant. has nothing whatever to do with them being male or female. has nothing whatever to do with me being attracted to them or even liking them. it has to do with another person wishing to use me in some way, whether that's sexually or to write a term paper for them.

i see nothing wrong with you viewing your submission as a gift. i'm sure for you that is definitely what it is. i like to think that i, the person, am the gift, and not some part of my nature that i cannot control. no one has to earn the "right" to my submission...the right to my heart, my spirit? oh yes.

btw nothing about my life or relationship is virtual.

 

[Netzach]

I can play with them, like I said... far less boring is when I do connect with them and become simpatico, more than actors in the little drama of beat me/beat you. I don't do that much because I don't have to, people I adore who want to play are not in such short supply for me that I have time for those I'm lukewarm on.

I'm a Top and I definitely need to trust my bottom also, trust them not to freak out, manipulate me, trust their interest in bottoming to me (that they're not just saying so) trust their self-knowledge and self-preservation (many people make me doubt these things)....and while it's not my ass being beaten or my hands being tied, I have gone on a number of psychic journeys with liars and manipulators that I'd rather have avoided, live and learn.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

again you are speaking as if our submission is something we all can control, and that is not the case for everyone. i often hated the way i was, for many years i thought i was just plain screwed up, because i could never say no, or run away, or fight, or do anything to prevent bad things from happening to me short of locking myself inside my home (and no i'm not exaggerating). it is why even now as owned property, i am not permitted to set foot outside the door alone, nor am i allowed to ever answer the door. some might view it as a prisonlike existence, but for me it's a comfort as it keeps me safe. if i were free to roam, even to some place mundane and ordinary like the grocery store, then i could encounter the wrong sort of person and something could happen that my Master does not wish to happen. so i'm kept under lock and key, fairly isolated. this is the only way to "control" my submission...to control my movements and exposure to the outside world. for me it is not merely a "struggle" not to submit, it is an impossibility. has nothing whatever to do with the person being Dominant. has nothing whatever to do with them being male or female. has nothing whatever to do with me being attracted to them or even liking them. it has to do with another person wishing to use me in some way, whether that's sexually or to write a term paper for them.

i see nothing wrong with you viewing your submission as a gift. i'm sure for you that is definitely what it is. i like to think that i, the person, am the gift, and not some part of my nature that i cannot control. no one has to earn the "right" to my submission...the right to my heart, my spirit? oh yes.

btw nothing about my life or relationship is virtual.

Ok...i think i see your point but to me that is a sickness...not submission. Something that you should seek serious help for. Every person has the ability to say *NO*. If you do not have that ability , then something is very definately amiss with you. That is not a healthy way to be. However, no one has the right to say that your submission is better or worse than anyone else's. So, if you think that i meant to be condescending, than i apologise. As long as the relationship you are in is happy, healthy and leaves you whole, don't worry about the explanations. I would just hope that eventually, you would learn just when and to whom *YES* is allowed. Until then...blessings unto you
PET

Ps I started to edit this and then thought better of it...after all i am not trying to be rude nor am i trying to be hurtful...i lived a life for almost 10 years where the word *NO* was not allowed...and it took meds, therapy and lots of struggle to get where i am today....so please take care....

 

[Impish]

Re: Seems there is a common theme here

Just to stir up conversation:

Is it really necessary to like someone in order to respect them and trust them?

I think in order to respect and trust, you must find common traits or things that you "admire" in another... and that is consistant with "like." So Yes. imho

 

[Netzach]

I agree with pet, who said it much nicer than I could have.

"sane" may be relative, but most people do need to function to the point of gettting groceries, however submissive they are. I know a lot of inherently submissive people, but they don't throw up their hands and say "I'll remain vulnerable to abuse forever, I guess, keep me off the streets, please." These are full time slaves, often the sufferers of past abusive marriages and intensely abusive families. These are extensive conversations about what their slavery means to them.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Ok...i think i see your point but to me that is a sickness...not submission. Something that you should seek serious help for. Every person has the ability to say *NO*. If you do not have that ability , then something is very definately amiss with you. That is not a healthy way to be. However, no one has the right to say that your submission is better or worse than anyone else's. So, if you think that i meant to be condescending, than i apologise. As long as the relationship you are in is happy, healthy and leaves you whole, don't worry about the explanations. I would just hope that eventually, you would learn just when and to whom *YES* is allowed. Until then...blessings unto you
PET

Ps I started to edit this and then thought better of it...after all i am not trying to be rude nor am i trying to be hurtful...i lived a life for almost 10 years where the word *NO* was not allowed...and it took meds, therapy and lots of struggle to get where i am today....so please take care....

your thoughts/feelings on this pretty much resemble my own up until a few years ago. i thought obviously something was very wrong with me, that i needed some kind of "help", that i had "issues", etc. i was in a constant self hatred because of it. but being very submissive, being vulnerable, being dependent, those are not curse words. there are worse things one could be on this earth. it took my Master to show me that i am beautiful and valuable EXACTLY the way that i am, and i believe his words and feelings to be true. He doesn't wish me to change...He doesn't wish me to be a kick butt kinda sub...that sort of woman is not appealing to him. He treasures protecting me and controlling me to the extent he does...it suits his Dominant needs. it's a shame that my Master is perhaps the only person on the planet who thinks i'm fine the way i am, but then again his opinion is the only one that matters, so if that is the way it is, so be it.

 

[Mastersprincess]

Umm...I'm a top, I don't need to trust my partners. I haven't always trusted them to be competent at anything even if I do like them.

Also have you ever heard of "the oldest profession in world?" People do it without any more trust than a Franklin all the time.

I originally asked this question because I have never played with someone I was not close too. I always assumed I could, but now I think it would be too mechanical. I would not feel tender at all. Bad for you. I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to test this out, it's not as though all my enemies are coming to me and begging to be spanked.

When I first responded to this thread, I was perhaps a bit sarcastic. Now I see that I misinterpreted your initial query. You used the word "involved" which I took to mean a meaningful relationship. I could never get "involved" with someone I didn't like or trust. Playing, scening, swapping, sharing....these are all different issues. As is prostitution.

My bad...sorry.