Does/should motivation for a partner's kink matter?

[half_full]

Oh, ok. Cool. I think I feel you on this one. Your whole life you have probably bought the idea that someone can't have this really warped sexuality unless something is indeed wrong with them.

Yes, exactly! AND did I forget to mention that I was raised deeply religious, fire and brimstone, sex, drugs and rock-and-roll are tools of the devil, homosexuals are going straight to hell, Southern Baptist? I'm sure that didn't help either.

Oh, they may be decent people, but there's some trauma or some weird deviant from the norm narrative that makes them the way they are.

Yes! And of course they were sinners, too

I bought it too, to an extent, I think, but I've always existed in the art world - warped sexuality is interesting discourse rather than something to be avoided.

So there is hope for me. Here is the interesting thing, though. I have long ago abandoned my antiquated, ignorant, pious ideas about sexuality for everyone but me. I make no moral judgements about anything that two or more consenting adults do, as long as nobody gets hurt (I don't mean physically). Whatever people want to do is fine, I just can't do it. I have no idea why.

 

[half_full]

Actually I think if you step out from behind the curtain of cuber-land wank fodder (which is full of man stomping about being "Domly" and women simpering and acting like doormats), you'll discover I and my limited experience are probably far more the norm than your perceived illusions.

Everyone with whom I've ever even entertained the idea of a relationship has been ordinary as pie to the outside world, and quite private about their personal proclivities.

Could it be possible that my illusions are really the norm, but your approach and attitude toward partner selection makes your personal experience a more positive one? Just playing devil's advocate here. Damn, I just can't quit trying to cover all the bases.

 

[half_full]

I am curious about two things.

What do you mean when you say that you are "submissive"?

Sexually I am submissive because I have no desire to control activities in the bedroom. I prefer, no NEED, to have someone tell me what, when, how, and I prefer not to initiate unless it was for my partners pleasure. I feel very, very uncomfortable in any other role. I am quite certain that my strict religious upbringing had alot to do with these feelings.

Outside the bedroom, I have no desire to engage in power struggles, so I am willing to cede control up to a point. I don't want to be micro-managed, don't need behaviour modification, and don't need someone to provide stucture or nurturing. Serving and pleasing my partner is a top priority, and although I want to be valued as someone who is smart and capable, I do not necessarily desire equality in the relationship. Only one can wear the pants in the family and I'd rather it not be me. Again, I think my religious upbringing had something to do with this, but also I was raised in a home where my father was firmly in charge.

Outside the home it's a WHOLE different ball game. I get paid alot of money to be in charge and I wouldn't have it any other way. Part of my struggle in admitting that I am submissive has been my inability to intellectually reconcile the two halves of me for so long. I do think I have a handle on that now, though.

And how do you know?

I started having non-sexual fantacies of being dominated when I was about 12. The fantacies took on a sexual nature after my first sexual experience at 18 and have continued to this day. I was in 3 relationships between 18 and 26, and in two of them, including the last one to my husband of 4 years, I was overcome with frustration over having to be constantly in charge of everything. I would have gladly abdicated if my partners had been more capable and willing. Of course I had no knowledge of D/s at that time so I could not actually pinpoint the real source of my frustration. I stayed celebate for the next almost 14 yrs primarily to build my career. I'd rather not go in to all the reasons on this forum, except to say that fear of entering a relationship that replayed the dynamics of my earlier ones was not something I wanted to do and I didn't know that couples related to each other in any other ways than what I had already experienced. Several coincidences and happenstance occurred when I was about 38/39 that unleashed the whirlwind that has become my life ever since.
First, I stumbled upon Cosmo magazine online. I had never been a consumer of porn of any kind and I never used the internet for sexual purposes, so Cosmo was a huge shock. That was my first real sexual education. The real awakening came a few months later when I read my first BDSM articles courtesy of Jack Rinella. I stumbled upon his Leatherviews site, and holy fuck the walls came crashing down. At first I thought it was obscene, profane, shameful but I just couldn't stop reading. I stayed up for two days straight and read every article, many more than once, and for the first time I finally made the connection between my lifelong fantacies, my frustration with past relationships, my reluctance to enter new relationships and my sexuality. I understood that I was submissive. I started a 3 yr mission of discovery to learn everything I could about D/s. At about this time I entered into a relationship with a very nice man - he was kind, considerate, a skilled lover, he adored me - but he was not dominate. Due to significant disparities between our incomes, intellect, and accomplishments, he always kind of worshipped me and put me on a pedastool. I think in some way he probably felt a little inferior although he never actually said so. Sex was always about him pleasing me and putting me first. He never asked anything of me, ever. During sex my head was constantly filled with D/s fantacies, and at times I would get frustrated to tears. Two years into my new found sexual awakening and relationship, I started thinking that something must be wrong with me. My mind was constantly preoccupied with thoughts of domination and sexual submission. I read in Cosmo that women reach their sexual peak in their mid-late thirties so I felt like you must have felt when you were 19. As much as I wanted to, I just could not tell my partner. I didn't know what to tell him, actually. Of all our assorted mis-matches, the worst was that he was deeply religious and I was too ashamed to tell him what I was feeling for fear that he would hate me. I couldn't deal with the guilt any longer so after 3 yrs I finally ended the relationship this past summer. He was the kind of man many women could only dream of having, and I feel so terribly guilty that I broke his heart because I needed something more. I just can't seem to take the next step because I can't leave the guilt behind.

I hope this answers your questions.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes! This is what I am trying to understand. I am not making judgements about people in the lifestyle, but for me it is important, and I can't tell you why, but nonetheless it is important for me to understand someone's motivation (and that includes my own) for a behavior that is a little kinked. I am trying not to make judgements about what is normal or abnormal. It is a fact, Cat, that there are alot of maladjusted people in this lifestyle. There is alot of weirdness out there. But that is not to say that everyone in the lifestyle is maladjusted in a truly harmful way. However, intuition tells me that someone who enjoys hurting or humiliating another human being has unresolved issues. My intuition could be wrong and I am open to discussing whether my position is grounded in ignorance or prejudice. But most important, I am not taking a moral or ethical position on the rightness or wrongness of someone's kink. I am only asking whether it is important to understand the motivation for it. Am I making sense?

It is a fact there are a lot of maladjusted people who are also not in this lifestyle...it is a part of society, and unfortunately will continue to increase as we continue to breed thoughtlessly and crowd our living conditions as a result, not to mention just plain old bad luck, or good, depending how you look at mental illness. I have a rather strange hypothesis I have pondered for many a decade that just perhaps it is not always the person who is labelled as mentally ill/deficient who actually has the problem, or the illness, or the deficiency.

I think most people are capable of sniffing out pretty quick if someone is perhaps not quite right, hasn't dealt with their issues etc., though unfortunately, due to those who think themselves so wise and intelligent, we have been trained to ignore our intuition about such things and so many a person becomes a statistic and/or casualty of their choices. Apart from that sixth sense which tells me when someone is best avoided, I personally do not look at or wonder why a person is a Sadist or any other flavour of PYL, nor why I am the way I am and enjoy the things I do in this lifestyle. For the most part I think the reason why I don't is because I don't see it as something which needs to be fixed or is necessarily the result of some negative aspect of our personalities and/or experiences...I see it as a positive part of a person, including myself, and something which just is and does not need explaining.

As to someone who enjoys hurting or humiliating another obviously having unresolved issues, once again I don't think it is so simple, or necessarily true. For one thing, I have discovered a sadistic streak in myself....far from it being due to unresolved issues, I see it more as an extension of my masochistic desires in that I know how much pleasure another can derive from receiving pain, not to mention stress release. Do I want to give pain/humiliation to someone who is not consenting or enjoying it? No, it holds no appeal for me at all. Mind you, how long has it been said 'we only hurt the ones we love'? There had to be some foundation for such a saying to thrive, and doesn't hold a negative message.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

Sexually I am submissive because I have no desire to control activities in the bedroom. I prefer, no NEED, to have someone tell me what, when, how, and I prefer not to initiate unless it was for my partners pleasure. I feel very, very uncomfortable in any other role. I am quite certain that my strict religious upbringing had alot to do with these feelings.

Outside the bedroom, I have no desire to engage in power struggles, so I am willing to cede control up to a point. I don't want to be micro-managed, don't need behaviour modification, and don't need someone to provide stucture or nurturing. Serving and pleasing my partner is a top priority, and although I want to be valued as someone who is smart and capable, I do not necessarily desire equality in the relationship. Only one can wear the pants in the family and I'd rather it not be me. Again, I think my religious upbringing had something to do with this, but also I was raised in a home where my father was firmly in charge.

Outside the home it's a WHOLE different ball game. I get paid alot of money to be in charge and I wouldn't have it any other way. Part of my struggle in admitting that I am submissive has been my inability to intellectually reconcile the two halves of me for so long. I do think I have a handle on that now, though.


I started having non-sexual fantacies of being dominated when I was about 12. The fantacies took on a sexual nature after my first sexual experience at 18 and have continued to this day. I was in 3 relationships between 18 and 26, and in two of them, including the last one to my husband of 4 years, I was overcome with frustration over having to be constantly in charge of everything. I would have gladly abdicated if my partners had been more capable and willing. Of course I had no knowledge of D/s at that time so I could not actually pinpoint the real source of my frustration. I stayed celebate for the next almost 14 yrs primarily to build my career. I'd rather not go in to all the reasons on this forum, except to say that fear of entering a relationship that replayed the dynamics of my earlier ones was not something I wanted to do and I didn't know that couples related to each other in any other ways than what I had already experienced. Several coincidences and happenstance occurred when I was about 38/39 that unleashed the whirlwind that has become my life ever since.
First, I stumbled upon Cosmo magazine online. I had never been a consumer of porn of any kind and I never used the internet for sexual purposes, so Cosmo was a huge shock. That was my first real sexual education. The real awakening came a few months later when I read my first BDSM articles courtesy of Jack Rinella. I stumbled upon his Leatherviews site, and holy fuck the walls came crashing down. At first I thought it was obscene, profane, shameful but I just couldn't stop reading. I stayed up for two days straight and read every article, many more than once, and for the first time I finally made the connection between my lifelong fantacies, my frustration with past relationships, my reluctance to enter new relationships and my sexuality. I understood that I was submissive. I started a 3 yr mission of discovery to learn everything I could about D/s. At about this time I entered into a relationship with a very nice man - he was kind, considerate, a skilled lover, he adored me - but he was not dominate. Due to significant disparities between our incomes, intellect, and accomplishments, he always kind of worshipped me and put me on a pedastool. I think in some way he probably felt a little inferior although he never actually said so. Sex was always about him pleasing me and putting me first. He never asked anything of me, ever. During sex my head was constantly filled with D/s fantacies, and at times I would get frustrated to tears. Two years into my new found sexual awakening and relationship, I started thinking that something must be wrong with me. My mind was constantly preoccupied with thoughts of domination and sexual submission. I read in Cosmo that women reach their sexual peak in their mid-late thirties so I felt like you must have felt when you were 19. As much as I wanted to, I just could not tell my partner. I didn't know what to tell him, actually. Of all our assorted mis-matches, the worst was that he was deeply religious and I was too ashamed to tell him what I was feeling for fear that he would hate me. I couldn't deal with the guilt any longer so after 3 yrs I finally ended the relationship this past summer. He was the kind of man many women could only dream of having, and I feel so terribly guilty that I broke his heart because I needed something more. I just can't seem to take the next step because I can't leave the guilt behind.

I hope this answers your questions.

Yes, thanks for the response.

Your queries on this thread are rather broad, and addressed to people with a wide range of proclivities. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but if you are trying to understand your own place in the world of kink, it may help you to narrow the field somewhat.

For example, I'm not sure why you would spend time worrying about the motivation of those who are into heavy degradation, edge play, or intense pain, if you are not personally interested in that sort of thing.

 

[Homburg]

Maybe the Dom likes flogging his partner because she enjoys it. Maybe he likes it because he knows it will give her an adrenaline rush/endorphin dump, and she will be happily buzzing for hours. Maybe he likes putting her in a stress position because she looks beautiful that way. Maybe he likes pulling off the nipple clamps at the exact moment of her climax, because he knows it will ramp up her orgasm to spectacular proportions...

Hmm, let's seee....

Yes. Yes. Oh yes. And, wow, yes.

I also enjoy the emotional turmoil. Sex is heady, primal, emotional stuff, yet BDSM introduces a very mental, high-brain function into the overtly physical, sweaty, maoning tangle of bodies. I am a cerebral primate and am the product of a long line of other cerebral primates all cheerfully evolving to produce a thinking ape with a big brain. My big brain eats up a lot of metabolic resources. It's important to my organism. It's the real sex organ, not the fiddly bits that are visible on the outside, and all the flogging, nipple clamps, inspections, rope work, and humiliation get that big brain all sorts of excited and aroused.

I evaluate the entire person, not his kinks. The men with whom I have developed those sorts of Friendships, are rarely able to explain thair dominant sadistic desires beyond "Because it's hot; because I love it; because I can."

This is me, basically. I can make a lot of noise about why I do it, and did so above, but none of that noise ever touches the real reason. It's beyond me to really express it. That bothers me. Badly. I'm a post-modernist in that sense, as I am of the strongly held opinion that something one cannot explain/express liguistically, one cannot properly experience or understand. My own sadism is beyond my ability to express, thus beyond my understanding. I can talk about how I like giving her an endorphin rush, or how I in so deeply in love with the aesthetic I produce with the meeting of taut rope and willing flesh, but it does not describe the why's behind it.

But, regardless of how bothered I am by the lack of clearly defined why's, I am self-aware enough to know which particular how's and what's arouse me to boiling point. For now, that is sufficient. It may always be sufficient, because I may never be able to express it.

To be frank, I lightly envy those sadists that can point to Incident X or Cause Y as the source for their sadistic impulses. I can only shrug and make a joke about how I am "just drawn that way".

At the end of the day, I don't actually want to know why. I don't want to know the thing that makes me do what I do. As much as subs talk about needing a beating to feel right, I've learned that sometimes I need that cane in my hand. That's actually enough reason on its' own.

 

[half_full]

Yes, thanks for the response.

Your queries on this thread are rather broad, and addressed to people with a wide range of proclivities. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but if you are trying to understand your own place in the world of kink, it may help you to narrow the field somewhat.

For example, I'm not sure why you would spend time worrying about the motivation of those who are into heavy degradation, edge play, or intense pain, if you are not personally interested in that sort of thing.

Actually, I cast a wide net intentionally. Although you are right, the ultimate goal is to figure out where I fit in, I wasn't expecting to figure all that out in this thread. As for my interests, I have some ideas but I'm not prepared to say never, ever to others. The thing is, when I am honest with myself about what arouses me in my fantacies and in print, it's not the acts themselves that I fear, it's the people who would do them. I know that must sound like the dumbest thing in the world to you, but I can't explain it any other way. I teeter between "get over yourself already" and "this is a very dangerous game your playing".

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[JMohegan]

Actually, I cast a wide net intentionally. Although you are right, the ultimate goal is to figure out where I fit in, I wasn't expecting to figure all that out in this thread. As for my interests, I have some ideas but I'm not prepared to say never, ever to others. The thing is, when I am honest with myself about what arouses me in my fantacies and in print, it's not the acts themselves that I fear, it's the people who would do them. I know that must sound like the dumbest thing in the world to you, but I can't explain it any other way. I teeter between "get over yourself already" and "this is a very dangerous game your playing".

Given the bio you posted, I'd say that for you to be worrying about the motivation or behavior of people on the far end of the kink scale is like looking up at an Olympic diving tower and saying "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, if I do a triple flip with a twist off that thing I just know I'm gonna die" --- when you've never even jumped in the pool.

Don't start by looking at the tower; look at the edge of the pool, or at most the springboard.

There are kinky people who enjoy D/s in the bedroom, giving up control over the what, when, where, and why -- and yet never moving beyond the basics such as spanking and light bondage. Is it really so hard to imagine these types as ethical human beings?

I realize that you're thinking: Ohhhh, but my fantasies are so much wilder! But fantasy is a far cry from reality. How do even know you'll enjoy the basics until you try?

 

[intothewoods]

<snip> Don't start by looking at the tower; look at the edge of the pool, or at most the springboard.

There are kinky people who enjoy D/s in the bedroom, giving up control over the what, when, where, and why -- and yet never moving beyond the basics such as spanking and light bondage. Is it really so hard to imagine these types as ethical human beings?

I realize that you're thinking: Ohhhh, but my fantasies are so much wilder! But fantasy is a far cry from reality. How do even know you'll enjoy the basics until you try?

I can't agree with this more. It's not that one's fantasies are usually just fantasies either. It's more that the ideas become so much more complex and multi-dimensional when they are fleshed out in reality.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Hello All,

I have a question about something that's been bothering me for a while and as I am still in the early stages of exploring this lifestyle, I would greatly appreciate the opinions and advice of some of the more experienced members of this forum.

I did introduce myself in the "New Faces..." thread so I'll not repost background info here, but it might be helpful to take a look at the earlier posts to help you understand where I'm coming from.

Dom(mes) - if you require a certain characteristic or kink in a sub, such as obedience, masochism, subjection to humiliation or objectification, etc., does it matter to you what his/her motivation is to oblige you? For example, if he/she is a masochist does it matter to you if his/her need for pain stems from past abuse, self hatred, erotic pleasure, or other? I'm looking for insight beyond the obvious. Of course you would not be inclined to inflict pain upon someone who as suffered previous abuse, or humiliate someone who suffers from low self esteem, right? Or no? Would you inflict pain if the primary motivation was service or obedience, even though the sub may have also experienced past abuse or self loathing? Is it more important to just match the kinks - you like to humiliate, sub likes to be humiliated, the rest is irrelevant as long as both partners needs are met?

I suppose the same question can be posed to subs. I stated in another thread that I wish I had a nickel for every time I read a post/blog/article where some sub (and occasionally Doms) mentioned that most/every/quite a few Doms they know have lingering 'issues' with women stemming from abusive maternal caregivers and feelings of emasculation. Could you submit to someone whose motivation for dominance was just this? What if he were also a sadist? Could/would you allow yourself to be humiliated by him? Once again, forget the obvious. I am not talking about a Dom who is also abusive, but it doesn't necessarily follow that every Dom who has at some time felt emasculated by a women becomes an abuser. I'm just curious to know whether the motivation for a kink matters to you.

I recognize that the answers may depend upon whether we are talking about casual play partners vs committed relationships.

Please try not to make this thread about abuse. It's been discussed many times, there are several threads, I've read them all, every post, and I get it.

I know this is alot, but I am just trying to understand, and I have questions...lots and lots of questions...

You're assuming that the persons are conscious of motivations for BDSM when most BDSM activity is very primal in its nature. The person may or may not be aware of the motivations for it, and may or may not have an accurate picture of what that motivation may be.

I also enjoy the emotional turmoil. Sex is heady, primal, emotional stuff, yet BDSM introduces a very mental, high-brain function into the overtly physical, sweaty, maoning tangle of bodies. I am a cerebral primate and am the product of a long line of other cerebral primates all cheerfully evolving to produce a thinking ape with a big brain. My big brain eats up a lot of metabolic resources. It's important to my organism. It's the real sex organ, not the fiddly bits that are visible on the outside, and all the flogging, nipple clamps, inspections, rope work, and humiliation get that big brain all sorts of excited and aroused.

BDSM as "mental, high brain function"? No. The lust for kink comes out of the subconscious. I don't think its high brained.

Sex in its basest form is about the zeal of the organs for one another. It has little to do with the mind. Adding kink on top of physical pleasure satisfies elements of the unconscious, which is why we enjoy it.

 

[nh23]

I can't agree with this more. It's not that one's fantasies are usually just fantasies either. It's more that the ideas become so much more complex and multi-dimensional when they are fleshed out in reality.

Very well said...

 

[JMohegan]

I can't agree with this more. It's not that one's fantasies are usually just fantasies either. It's more that the ideas become so much more complex and multi-dimensional when they are fleshed out in reality.

Yes. Exactly.

 

[Homburg]

BDSM as "mental, high brain function"? No. The lust for kink comes out of the subconscious. I don't think its high brained.

Sex in its basest form is about the zeal of the organs for one another. It has little to do with the mind. Adding kink on top of physical pleasure satisfies elements of the unconscious, which is why we enjoy it.

*blink*

Your hypothalmus is advanced enough to handle complex rope bondage? Mine isn't.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

*blink*

Your hypothalmus is advanced enough to handle complex rope bondage? Mine isn't.

Do you mean to say that you find intellectual fulfillment in executing "complex rope bondage"? If so, congratz, little to do with what I was saying, as I'm saying that we find satisfaction in kink because it satisfies some unconscious psychological need.

Edit: and the subconscious is not centered in the hypothalamus.

 

[Homburg]

Do you mean to say that you find intellectual fulfillment in executing "complex rope bondage"? If so, congratz, little to do with what I was saying, as I'm saying that we find satisfaction in kink because it satisfies some unconscious psychological need.

Quite a bit, yes. Artisitic fulfillment as well, and mathematical happiness when mentally guesstimating load capacities for given ties.

Your statement had little to do with mine, and that was my point. You may limit your lusts/sex to your subconscious. I do not.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

You may limit your lusts/sex to your subconscious. I do not.

Durr...I don't think you understand what "subconscious" means, because you basically stated that you're completely unconscious of your motives for BDSM above. Let me quote it for you.

I evaluate the entire person, not his kinks. The men with whom I have developed those sorts of Friendships, are rarely able to explain thair dominant sadistic desires beyond "Because it's hot; because I love it; because I can."

This is me, basically. I can make a lot of noise about why I do it, and did so above, but none of that noise ever touches the real reason. It's beyond me to really express it. That bothers me. Badly. I'm a post-modernist in that sense, as I am of the strongly held opinion that something one cannot explain/express liguistically, one cannot properly experience or understand. My own sadism is beyond my ability to express, thus beyond my understanding. I can talk about how I like giving her an endorphin rush, or how I in so deeply in love with the aesthetic I produce with the meeting of taut rope and willing flesh, but it does not describe the why's behind it.

 

[Homburg]

Durr...I don't think you understand what "subconscious" means, because you basically stated that you're completely unconscious of your motives for BDSM above. Let me quote it for you.

A) Don't be a dick. It adds nothing to the conversation.

B) Reread. I did NOT say that I was unconscious of my motivations for BDSM. I said I was unable to express my motivations for Sadism.

C) Try to read what someone posts before you quote them. I've read my own words, so I don't mind quoting them here, with added emphasis in case you miss it on the second read through:

This is me, basically. I can make a lot of noise about why I do it, and did so above, but none of that noise ever touches the real reason. It's beyond me to really express it. That bothers me. Badly. I'm a post-modernist in that sense, as I am of the strongly held opinion that something one cannot explain/express liguistically, one cannot properly experience or understand. My own sadism is beyond my ability to express, thus beyond my understanding. I can talk about how I like giving her an endorphin rush, or how I in so deeply in love with the aesthetic I produce with the meeting of taut rope and willing flesh, but it does not describe the why's behind it.

 

[half_full]

There are kinky people who enjoy D/s in the bedroom, giving up control over the what, when, where, and why -- and yet never moving beyond the basics such as spanking and light bondage. Is it really so hard to imagine these types as ethical human beings?

OK, so now you're just making fun of me. I don't automatically assume the worst in people. I can imagine all types as ethical human beings. I can imagine all types as my worst nightmare. Not sure I know myself well enough to be able to tell the difference.

I realize that you're thinking: Ohhhh, but my fantasies are so much wilder! But fantasy is a far cry from reality. How do even know you'll enjoy the basics until you try?

No, that's not what I'm thinking. I'm thinking: I'll throw caution to the wind and try, I'll be taken somewhere I'm not ready to go, I'll be too scared to move forward, but will have enjoyed it enough that I can't go back. Basically fucked and it would have been my own fault. That's what I'm thinking.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

A) Don't be a dick. It adds nothing to the conversation.

B) Reread. I did NOT say that I was unconscious of my motivations for BDSM. I said I was unable to express my motivations for Sadism.

C) Try to read what someone posts before you quote them. I've read my own words, so I don't mind quoting them here, with added emphasis in case you miss it on the second read through:

Amigo, you were the one who started being a dick. Don't bitch now because its being given back to you.

I'm have trouble seeing the difference between the particular and the general here. You admit that your SM is subconsciously motivated, but the BD part is all high brained concsiousness, rather like calculus? Got it. Very rational and high brained.

 

[half_full]

Ignoring the risks of BDSM is dumb; having a healthy respect for the dangers of BDSM is not. Thankfully, there was ways to signifigantly reduce the risks - most of which revolve around common sense, education, and a healthy sense of self.

CM, I agree with everything you said. From the beginning, you've always given me sound logical advice. But there is something missing with me that goes beyond logic and reason right now. I can't quite put my finger on it. If I were 'normal' I would just pick up some stud at the gym this weekend and have a good cathartic fuck. I just can't do it. How ironic is it that with this bunch of pervs on Lit, 'the 42 yr old virgin' would be the freak of the freak show. There is no justice anywhere.

 

[DeservingBitch]

When someone asks me why I enjoy hurting people and kinky sex, and whether I think it is motivated or explained by previous abuse or unresolved issues or what have you, I usually turn the question around back at them: why do you enjoy plain, vanilla, cuddly-touchy-feely sex? Do you think you like your partner to be all soft and gentle and loving and romantic (note: i'm not suggesting that those are necessarily absent from BDSM - just going with society's common assumptions here) with you because you didn't feel loved as a child? Do you have unresolved maternal love issues?

Other example: people asking me why I love/am attracted to women, and whether it's because I hate men. I don't know, why don't *you* have desires to fuck [fill in same gender of straight person asking here]? Is is because you hate your own gender?

Point being: why asking, and particularly, why asking specifically about BDSM motivations? why the assumptions that non-BDSM sexuality is 'normal' and basically 'unmotivated'? Would you wonder about a partner's desire for a soft, gentle, long, and loving blowjob and the motivations behind it? Why wondering about a partner's desire and motivations for giving/receiving a good, hard, sound spanking?

I would question the desire/anxieties that inform such questioning before trying to figure out an answer to the question itself.

 

[half_full]

I can't agree with this more. It's not that one's fantasies are usually just fantasies either. It's more that the ideas become so much more complex and multi-dimensional when they are fleshed out in reality.

Yeah, I think you nailed it. My fantasies are not like a Christmas wish list: "Oh, I'd like to do this...I'd like to try a little of that..." Mine speak to all of those things that I fear and loath the most about myself. Why would I ever want to share that with someone? I can imagine myself with a Dominate partner who tries to 'get it out of me.' I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I let him succeed.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****