Does/should motivation for a partner's kink matter?

[JMohegan]

OK, so now you're just making fun of me. I don't automatically assume the worst in people. I can imagine all types as ethical human beings. I can imagine all types as my worst nightmare. Not sure I know myself well enough to be able to tell the difference.

No. I was not making fun of you. My intended tone was respectful and calm, and I was trying to help you address your fears.

You wrote: "it's not the acts themselves that I fear, it's the people who would do them."

I was trying to help you focus on why certain people might be frightening to you. From your subsequent responses, it seems possible to me that the person you are really frightened of is yourself.

 

[Homburg]

Amigo, you were the one who started being a dick. Don't bitch now because its being given back to you.

*raises eyebrow*

I'm missing my dickheadedness in my first reply. Then again, I have been known to miss my own dickheadedness.

I'm have trouble seeing the difference between the particular and the general here. You admit that your SM is subconsciously motivated, but the BD part is all high brained concsiousness, rather like calculus? Got it. Very rational and high brained.

*blink*

I'm going to ignore the continues attitude for the nonce and try to explain.

Forest - a collection of trees
Trees - big ass plants what make up forests when grouped together

BDSM - Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism
Sadism - That part of BDSM what says "I like hurting people", when collected with Bondage, Dominance, and Masochism, form BDSM.

Now, let's break it down a bit more in detail.

Bondage - generally refers to restraints of some sort, used, in this context, for erotic purposes. Now, call me crazy, but the whole idea of restraints pretty much implies tool-use, restraints being tools. Tool-use is higher brain function. I know, I'm being pedantic, but you said you were having trouble seperating particular and general, so pedantry is a worthwhile response, if only for me to set a baseline so that you'll better understand my (occasssionally obtuse) line of reasoning.

Dominance - Yes, Dominance in the animal world is basic instinctual shit. No sweat calling this low-brain motivated. That said, the low-brain doesn't get its' rocks off with inspections, humiliation, etc. This requires high brain work to perform, and to enjoy. The root motivations may be primal, but the specifics demand higher brain function.

And your calculus example is a fallacy of composition. Calculus is a high brain function, but not the only high brain function.

Overall, the whole argument line is ludicrous. I said that BDSM adds higher brain function to plain old sex. Are you honestly trying to argue that the practice of BDSM does not require higher brain function?

 

[half_full]

No. I was not making fun of you. My intended tone was respectful and calm, and I was trying to help you address your fears.

No, no, no, don't get upset. Believe me, I wasn't offended. Of course you're just trying to help. You have to admit, though, that there was an underlying ridiculousness to your statement about the "ethical spanko types." I just shook my head and laughed at myself when I read it, so I assumed you were doing the same when you wrote it.

You wrote: "it's not the acts themselves that I fear, it's the people who would do them."

I was trying to help you focus on why certain people might be frightening to you. From your subsequent responses, it seems possible to me that the person you are really frightened of is yourself.

Yeah, no doubt there's some truth to that statement. It's really hard to admit the awful truth about ourselves sometimes.

 

[nh23]

*raises eyebrow*

Uh-oh for someone..*runs and hides*

 

[_kiana_]

If you mean by this that I already know the answer and I won't be satisfied unless people agree with me, then I think you have taken too much out of context.

That is not what I was getting at. I meant that you are looking for answers that apply to you. You are honestly trying to work something out inside of yourself.

OK, so coping is your motivation for your Masochism.

No, not quite. My masochism is a very base part of me. Sometimes it comes out in wanting help with coping. But I enjoy pain for pain itself. A sadistic scene that is needed for coping is incredibly different than one for fun. Believe me, I'd rather have the fun ones more than the other. I found my masochism through needing an outlet, but I'm trying to weed that out as I heal myself.

A Dom who either didn't want to know this about you or didn't care to know could potentially do your psyche great harm, right? Some degradation/humiliation is endearing, erotic and fun, but some can be hurtful and mean spirited. If a Dom did not care to know your motivation, would you set hard or soft limits to protect your own self? Just curious.

I simply wouldn't be playing with someone like that. Before I let someone play around with such heavy stuff, we do a lot of talking. I can let pretty much anyone tear me up in pain or fuck me senseless in bondage, but playing with the mind is vastly different. It's not something to be taken lightly and I take care with choosing partners to go there with.

I have never made a single statement in this thread about the rightness or wrongness of someones kink. I make no moral judgements about such things, ever.

It feels as though there is an underlying judgment in your postings. The judgment being that people with mental hardships should not be participating in BDSM or D/s. I make no qualms about the fact that I'm 'fucked up' on the inside. ("Maladjusted" feels more wrong to me as the word to use.) But what is fucked up is not my ability to think through things and decide what I'm able to deal with. I'm aware of all the issues and am on my way to fixing them. I've healed myself to the point that my kink is now coming mostly from a place of pleasure, a want to do all of this purely because I enjoy it or because it's part of who I am and not negative places. But those first few people who took advantage of me (and I let them) while in an even more fragile mental state led me to be here, be aware of the issues, and fixing them. So I'm fine with the fact that they used me and hurt me immensely. I do not regret any of it, as it brought me to a place where I can heal and enjoy life for itself.

 

[Homburg]

Uh-oh for someone..*runs and hides*

*soothing voice*

Not you, baby.

 

[nh23]

*soothing voice*

Not you, baby.

*sighs with relief*

 

[FungiUg]

I guess for me, most of this post misses the point.

The motivation for doing this stuff is that we love doing it. There's no real motivation beyond that. It's fun, sexy, mind-blowing stuff.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, I think you nailed it. My fantasies are not like a Christmas wish list: "Oh, I'd like to do this...I'd like to try a little of that..." Mine speak to all of those things that I fear and loath the most about myself. Why would I ever want to share that with someone? I can imagine myself with a Dominate partner who tries to 'get it out of me.' I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I let him succeed.

I only scored 7 on the latest pop psych "submission" meter and honestly, I don't get the fear thing. I never felt afraid that someone might get something on me, or that I might do something and feel stupid or whatever post facto.

The parts of myself that I hate are callous, clueless, vain etc. Not tractable and soft.

 

[oneguy4fun]

Our history shapes us and makes us who we are today. You can't change that about someone. What's important is how you handle yourself today and do you respond to the things that happen to you. If all the kinky play is used in a respectful and trusting way where both parties get pleasure and enjoyment out of it then I see no problem with it regardless of the initial motivation. However, if one party feels disrepsected or if this type of play emotionally impacts them in a negative way, then it's not a good thing.

 

[half_full]

I only scored 7 on the latest pop psych "submission" meter and honestly, I don't get the fear thing. I never felt afraid that someone might get something on me, or that I might do something and feel stupid or whatever post facto.

The parts of myself that I hate are callous, clueless, vain etc. Not tractable and soft.

I spent an awful lot of time this weekend really thinking about all this and just trying to work things out in my head. I am not so sure that the fear I am talking about is not so different from your own. It's not about someone getting something on me or feeling stupid. It is a little deeper than that for me. I read something in another thread this weekend that really resonated with me.

...snip...It has taken me years to accept what I am and what it is I enjoy. There has always been a great sense of shame accompanied with it and a lot of denial...snip...Shame, repulsion, denial and self-delusion have been a major part of my life, and of many others I have known. IMHO it is a major issue for many PYL’s; many find it very difficult to accept their nature...snip...the right partner can be a catalyst for a PYL, making it possible for a PYL to explore depths, which would otherwise be too dangerous and also too scary. The danger always exists of course that the PYL will pass the point of no return.

I could really see myself in those words. They are Francisco's. Of course he was talking about his sadistic nature and the fear that he could go too far. I don't at all mean to sound melodramatic here, but my fear of my own nature and the possibility of losing my dignity, identity, self respect, and independence is just as palpable. I know that some people reading this are thinking: "How is a little spanky, spanky, serve dinner naked good fun going to cost you dignity and self respect?" Well, it wouldn't. My submissiveness is not a role I play to engage in kinky sex. It is deeply engrained in my personality and goes beyond sex. For example, I am not a Masochist, at least not yet. I don't like pain, it is not something I need or necessarily desire. But I would accept it if a lover asked it of me. But I am very wary of the slippery slope. It's things like this that are very difficult to admit about oneself sometimes, especially for someone with my background. I hope this clarifies the fear thing a bit.

 

[Homburg]

I've been staring in the direction of my inner Sadist, and trying to nail it down for a while now. That thread has been particularly useful.

 

[rida]

I spent an awful lot of time this weekend really thinking about all this and just trying to work things out in my head. I am not so sure that the fear I am talking about is not so different from your own. It's not about someone getting something on me or feeling stupid. It is a little deeper than that for me. I read something in another thread this weekend that really resonated with me.
I could really see myself in those words. They are Francisco's. Of course he was talking about his sadistic nature and the fear that he could go too far. I don't at all mean to sound melodramatic here, but my fear of my own nature and the possibility of losing my dignity, identity, self respect, and independence is just as palpable. I know that some people reading this are thinking: "How is a little spanky, spanky, serve dinner naked good fun going to cost you dignity and self respect?" Well, it wouldn't. My submissiveness is not a role I play to engage in kinky sex. It is deeply engrained in my personality and goes beyond sex. For example, I am not a Masochist, at least not yet. I don't like pain, it is not something I need or necessarily desire. But I would accept it if a lover asked it of me. But I am very wary of the slippery slope. It's things like this that are very difficult to admit about oneself sometimes, especially for someone with my background. I hope this clarifies the fear thing a bit.

I hear what you are saying. I struggled with the consequences of embracing my nature on my own self image for a long time ... to the point that I bottled up my non-vanilla side for over 10 years.

From what you shared with us, you have a high profile career and I can see the fear of having your public image tarnished by your choice of lifestyle. I gather that you fear that you will not be able to keep your new true self under wrap. Many people succesfully do so, but I can tell it is hard for me as well.

Probably it is hard because it took so long to let this part of me out, it feels as if she wants to take over all my life. At the beginning everything was a hard limit. Now I see more and more of them slowly melting away. I too am not a Masochist and hate pain ... and yet I am being craving to be spanked/paddled/belted/cropped or whatever for a while now (finally admitted to myself ... my heart is pounding just seeing it written down ).

So yeah, the slope can be slippery ... but it looks even more so inside my head. When I talk it out/write it down ... it feels that I can handle it and will not slip down.

Didn't help much, sorry. But your thread has been helpful to me. Thank you

 

[half_full]

It is a fact there are a lot of maladjusted people who are also not in this lifestyle...it is a part of society, and unfortunately will continue to increase as we continue to breed thoughtlessly and crowd our living conditions as a result, not to mention just plain old bad luck, or good, depending how you look at mental illness. I have a rather strange hypothesis I have pondered for many a decade that just perhaps it is not always the person who is labelled as mentally ill/deficient who actually has the problem, or the illness, or the deficiency.

I agree completely with your hypothesis. It is the people who make the rules who often make the labels. Maybe we need to change the rule makers. Personally, I'd start with the pharmaceutical companies. But that's just me.

Apart from that sixth sense which tells me when someone is best avoided, I personally do not look at or wonder why a person is a Sadist or any other flavour of PYL, nor why I am the way I am and enjoy the things I do in this lifestyle. For the most part I think the reason why I don't is because I don't see it as something which needs to be fixed or is necessarily the result of some negative aspect of our personalities and/or experiences...I see it as a positive part of a person, including myself, and something which just is and does not need explaining.

I've been thinking about what you said above for the past few days, primarily because I just didn't understand it. I mean, intuitively I felt something was amiss, but most of the responders to the OP echoed your sentiments, and I couldn't figure out what I was missing here. Am I really that dense? I know the question is a valid question, but now I'm thinking I asked it for the wrong reasons. Netzach and JMohegan left me on Friday chasing mice in my brain, and that introspection brought a little enlightenment on this front as well. I do agree with you that whatever the reason someone indulges a particular kink it doesn't necessarily follow that the person has negative unresolved 'issues' and/or needs to be fixed. I have always believed this to a certain degree. I will continue to believe, however, that far too many people are using the lifestyle as therapy and that is not a good thing, but that it should be relatively easy to identify these folks. Where I have changed my position is when it comes to people with 'severe' mental/emotional maladjustments (a subjective term I know but these people would otherwise present in public as sane and stable). I think I agree with Netzach on this one. Sometimes people just have to admit they are fucked-up but introspection and acknowledgement goes a long, long way. I suppose I had this irrational fear that these people were prone to lose control but could easily slip under the asshat radar. I can see the error in my thinking. The operative word here should be 'control.' It really doesn't matter what motivates or drives someone's kink, as long as they are in control. I can really see that now. The one area where I will respectfully disagree with you is the statement bolded above. It's more of a personal style disagreement than a technical one. RJMasters said it best when discussing his Masochistic desires: "It is important to me that they understand why I need the pain before I could trust them to give it." That about sums it up for me as well. I can now articulate a reason for the why, which is what I have been struggling with for the last four months. I can respect that you personally don't need to know this about yourself or your partners, as long as you can trust them, but I couldn't trust them without it. Whew! I feel like I have traveled 500 miles in the past week, just to go around the block.

 

[Homburg]

I have to admit I'm a little alarmed by this, but it is honest.

I managed to miss this from the first page. Why were you alarmed that I had no mother-issues, family problems, work issues, misogyny, etc? Why does it bother you?

I ask because, as you may have seen, it bothers me a little bit too. I'm not bothered by the existence of my sadism, but I do wonder where it came from. I am beginning to wonder if a predisposition towards sadism might be genetic. Both of my paternal grandparents were vicious people, and my father was criminally abused all the way up until he got over it and kicked the hell out of the old man shortly after his 19th birthday (and promptly joined the army).

His old man was literally the meanest bastard in the whole damned town, and I had people in my dad's hometown blanch when I told them I was his grandson. It was as if they expected me to grow horns and fangs and breathe fire. My grandfather was just that cussed ornery and mean. I take after him quite a bit physically, and I wonder, with no small amount of trepidation, if my own tendency towards sadism (repressed lo these many years) may simply be because of genetic coding I inherited from him, thus my earlier comment about my wiring is just a bit fucked up.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

First of all, I am joining this discussion late and haven't read the entire thread so apologies...

My submissiveness is not a role I play to engage in kinky sex. It is deeply engrained in my personality and goes beyond sex.

This is exactly the same as me and in truth their are other similarities. I was raised in a christian household with traditional 'the man's word is law' setup. I fought my submissiveness for some years, assuming that it I was 'maladjusted' and that something deep inside me needed fixing for the sake of every woman who has fought for equal rights and opportunities across the world. When I did start accepting that submissiveness was an integral part of my being I really disliked myself for quite a while. I was ashamed that I became so aroused by thoughts of domination and servitude.

As I have studied both the BDSM spectrum and my own needs and desires I have come to accept that I have a perfect right to be submissive within a relationship so long as it oppresses no women else.

My relationship with my boyfriend, my Master, is a meeting of equals who have very different roles. I still manage my company, my finances etc because I am perfectly capable of doing so and Master sees no reason to burden himself un-necessarily. I am service oriented, he makes the decisons but we still seek each other's advice and work as a team. This is just us, you can negotiate any level of power-exhcange with a partner, then learn and grow from that point.

I will continue to believe, however, that far too many people are using the lifestyle as therapy and that is not a good thing.

I see this up to a point but IMO most people use something as therapy, whether that be the gym, meditation, keeping a diary... whatever. If BDSM functions as a controlled outlet for some of a person's issues I see no harm in that - probably less harm than if they had found no effective outlet at all. IME there are as many 'normal' people who should be in therapy and aren't as there are kinksters.

To go back to the original question...

I think I can empathise with you a little here half_full. I know that I have personal issues with my family, my erstewhile religon and my own psycho-sexual make-up. They have made me the sub that I am. To acknowledge that is one thing but to hand your bag of personal neuroses to someone else as a plaything is a terrifying thought. I require a lot of trust in a relationship, that trust may come quickly or slowly but it has to be there. It's also quid pro quo, I know as much about my Master's inner demons and past influences as he does about mine. None of this 'kneel bitch' machismo works for me unless I know where it's coming from. Any 'dom' who refuses to discuss their own motivations in depth with a potential long-term partner is hiding from themselves IMO.

I quickly came to understand that Master and I both have just as much to lose. I have as much power to damage him psychologically as he does me, in the long term. We have learned and grown together over the past year and will do so throughout our lives together.

In many ways I also see his deep understanding of me as a protection. He knows exactly where my kink stems from and IMO this makes him better equipped not to damage me psychologically. He also values the trust I have given him in sharing these things, the bond we have is so deep right now. Because BDSM is more risky than 'vanilla' relationships we very deliberately ensure that there is always constant, open communication (within the bounds of my place, granted but he doesn't punish me for honesty and has a responsibility to make sure my voice is heard.) and IMO have a much closer relationship than most people I know, certainly closer than I have ever experienced myself before.

I'm going to stop waffling now but this thread really struck a chord with me. I hope that some of what I've written is helpful

 

[VelvetDarkness]

II don't at all mean to sound melodramatic here, but my fear of my own nature and the possibility of losing my dignity, identity, self respect, and independence is just as palpable. I know that some people reading this are thinking: "How is a little spanky, spanky, serve dinner naked good fun going to cost you dignity and self respect?" Well, it wouldn't. My submissiveness is not a role I play to engage in kinky sex. It is deeply engrained in my personality and goes beyond sex. For example, I am not a Masochist, at least not yet. I don't like pain, it is not something I need or necessarily desire. But I would accept it if a lover asked it of me. But I am very wary of the slippery slope. It's things like this that are very difficult to admit about oneself sometimes, especially for someone with my background. I hope this clarifies the fear thing a bit.

I think you are really in need of an understanding, potentially longterm partner here rather than a playmate. You said before that you could just 'pick up a guy' if you were 'normal' but IMO that's as risky as anything else. BDSM always shrinks the playing field but I believe it's just as possible to vett people gradually online and in real life as it is to meet a guy in a bar.

The key here is definitely trust and deep respect. If you find a dominant man you can genuinely respect as a person and who feels the same about you then whatever passes between you in sexual play is not demeaning and does not erode your self respect, just as it should have no detriment on your respect for the guy.

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that having limits and uncertainties makes you less submissive. If you aren't into pain, that's fine. Many dominant men derive their chief pleasure in their SO from servitude and control. Any guy worth his salt will be acutely aware of how new you are to this and take things slowly accordingly. Master and I have evolved so much as a couple and have always respected each other's boundaries. It may even be that there are things you are into that he isn't and compromise will be made on both sides.

It is a slippery slope and you do have to monitor yourself carefully but unless you try a few things on for size you can't categorically say that they aren't for you anyway. There are plenty of asshat doms out there but just think how many asshats there are generally, how many of your friends have been saddled with them at one time or another? You just have to vett people ruthlessly and trust your instincts.

Like CutieMouse said, it's probably a good idea to start with cyber and see where you go from there. It's safe but will give you a better idea of how you feel about things IME.

 

[FungiUg]

Like CutieMouse said, it's probably a good idea to start with cyber and see where you go from there. It's safe but will give you a better idea of how you feel about things IME.

That doesn't always work. Didn't really with me, as it just got frustrating (when I wasn't laughing my arse off.)

The method I used to experiment safely was basically reading erotica. Yes, here at Lit! The BDSM and Mind-Control sections in particular.

But try it all out for yourself and see what works for you.

 

[twysted73]

Yes! This is what I am trying to understand. I am not making judgements about people in the lifestyle, but for me it is important, and I can't tell you why, but nonetheless it is important for me to understand someone's motivation (and that includes my own) for a behavior that is a little kinked. I am trying not to make judgements about what is normal or abnormal. It is a fact, Cat, that there are alot of maladjusted people in this lifestyle. There is alot of weirdness out there. But that is not to say that everyone in the lifestyle is maladjusted in a truly harmful way. However, intuition tells me that someone who enjoys hurting or humiliating another human being has unresolved issues. My intuition could be wrong and I am open to discussing whether my position is grounded in ignorance or prejudice. But most important, I am not taking a moral or ethical position on the rightness or wrongness of someone's kink. I am only asking whether it is important to understand the motivation for it. Am I making sense?

Perfect sense. And that's a deduction only you can come to that makes sense. Reason? I knew a delightful woman who put some pain on me during a verbal fight we had. It got heated, she lashed out (i was pushing her buttons i must admit) and she flew at me. We tumbled, rolled and bit/slashed/hacked at eachother with clothes flying and my god it was wonderful. All the way thropugh she was angry and really took it out on me. But I loved it. I don't know where it came from. She's never admitted to an abusive relationship of that sort. But did I love it? Did I want more?
Most certainly.
Sometimes those "Gifts From Santa" under the tree are better left shrouded in mystery and simply enjoyed.

I guess for me, most of this post misses the point.

The motivation for doing this stuff is that we love doing it. There's no real motivation beyond that. It's fun, sexy, mind-blowing stuff.

We concur.

 

[Netzach]

That doesn't always work. Didn't really with me, as it just got frustrating (when I wasn't laughing my arse off.)

The method I used to experiment safely was basically reading erotica. Yes, here at Lit! The BDSM and Mind-Control sections in particular.

But try it all out for yourself and see what works for you.

What worked for me was actually meeting some people and trying things out, in public play settings, no less, while understanding that this wasn't a personal be-all-end-all, and learning to find and refine my boundaries so that I might actually find out what I liked before finding out who I most wanted to do those things *with*.


I figured out that there are kinds of pain I *do* like (again, and I'm not even submissive) and there are things I like to do to people that had no hot factor in theory till I met someone who liked them done.

Personally I think people put cart before horse and get way way too emotionally invested in a person only to find huge gaping problems once they get together - on the PLAY level let alone on personal levels of greater complexity. But I've always thought that the way my gay male friends find soulmates is better - let's fuck and if I like you you can maybe start leaving a toothbrush here after a few more times, ok?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[half_full]

Cyber never worked for me... I think I tried it once and went "ewww." But it might be an option for people who aren't interested in casual play partners...

First - to all the recent responders - I'm not trying to figure out 'how' to find a partner or enter the lifestyle. That was never the intent of this thread. I have other things I need to figure out first.

Second - IF and when I decide to take the next step, I will certainly post again to this forum and seek advice since you all have far more experience than I in such matters. I don't really wish to indulge this particular topic any further except to say:

Cyber? CM, VD, are you kidding me? That's just yuck. Besides, I'm not 'normal' enough for that. I'm with FungiUg on this one. Would have to get past the laughter first.
Netzach - Experimentation, casual play partners, fuck buddies, etc, just not my style. I think someone has to be far more open and uninhibited with their sexuality than I am to enjoy such activities. I see far too many people, especially young ones, in this lifestyle (and in the general population as well) leading with their sexuality. It is how they advertise themselves. Good for them if they're happy, but it's not me. I have a personal philosophy when it comes to such things: "If you put your honey pot out there, you'll attract flies. Then the bears will come and scare away the flies. The bears will eat your honey, then go find another honey pot."

Personally I think people put cart before horse and get way way too emotionally invested in a person only to find huge gaping problems once they get together - on the PLAY level let alone on personal levels of greater complexity.

This is very, very true. I wish to avoid this trap if at all possible. Another reason why I am taking this slow.

The method I used to experiment safely was basically reading erotica. Yes, here at Lit! The BDSM and Mind-Control sections in particular.

I have read them. Every story in those two categories, as well as a couple of others. Took me two years. I wouldn't call it experimentation, but it was informative and entertaining.

 

[half_full]

Perfect sense. And that's a deduction only you can come to that makes sense. Reason? I knew a delightful woman who put some pain on me during a verbal fight we had. It got heated, she lashed out (i was pushing her buttons i must admit) and she flew at me. We tumbled, rolled and bit/slashed/hacked at eachother with clothes flying and my god it was wonderful. All the way thropugh she was angry and really took it out on me. But I loved it. I don't know where it came from. She's never admitted to an abusive relationship of that sort. But did I love it? Did I want more?
Most certainly.
Sometimes those "Gifts From Santa" under the tree are better left shrouded in mystery and simply enjoyed.

I assume you are responding to this specific statement:

...snip...intuition tells me that someone who enjoys hurting or humiliating another human being has unresolved issues...snip...I am only asking whether it is important to understand the motivation for it...

Woa, back up the cart here. We are talking apples and oranges. You are confusing rough sex in the heat of passion with a calculated and measured need to hurt, humiliate or control, which is what I am talking about. The former is just good fun and there is no need to question it beyond what it is. The later, requires a certain amount of introspection and understanding so that one can be in control of that desire, as opposed to the desire controlling them.
BTW, your story was entertaining because your partner just happened to be a woman. If she had been a man and lost control like that in the heat of argument, many would consider that abuse. Do you see the difference?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Homburg]

Netzach - Experimentation, casual play partners, fuck buddies, etc, just not my style. I think someone has to be far more open and uninhibited with their sexuality than I am to enjoy such activities.

Um, one has to try such activities to enjoy them. And trying them once or twice might just help you open up a bit. You should give it a chance. You might just not feel so uptight about it once you have seen it in person and realised that it is real, and not some nebulous boogeyman lurking on the edges of your sexuality.

You would not have to go too far back to find a Homburg that was a HUGE prude, and would have been utterly incapable of conceiving of doing the things I do these days. Once I decided that what I was doing wasn't somehow wrong, I didn't sweat it anymore. No, I don't wear buttless chaps out to take out the garbage (and I'm sure my neighbours are happy with that), but I also don't sweat it if my fellow pervs see how freaky I am.*

You've told us that you are an intelligent, in-control, and successful businesswoman, with various and sundry useful skills, management ability, and income. Surely you can figure out a way to take a vacation somewhere and anonymously involve yourself in something, even if only as an observer? Perhaps catch a trip to some place like Atlanta and visit 1763. Wear a mask, so no one will recognise you =P

Frankly, the vast majority of people that I've met in the lifestyle are 'normal' everyday folks that just happen to be really freaky behind closed doors. Maybe if you got out and met a few it would not seem quite so bizarre, no?


* - Your fellow pervs are unlikely to out you, by the way. It ain't exactly polite.