Double Blind Challenge

[Magnetron]

don't know about you guys, but i'm really looking forward to seeing who wrote which piece

Except for #2.

We already know who wrote that one.

 

[Angeline]

don't know about you guys, but i'm really looking forward to seeing who wrote which piece

Yes! And I want to thank them for being brave enough to subject themselves to straightforward critique!

Except for #2.

We already know who wrote that one.

It is pretty obvious.

 

[greenmountaineer]

don't know about you guys, but i'm really looking forward to seeing who wrote which piece

Yes! And I want to thank them for being brave enough to subject themselves to straightforward critique!
...

2 maybe 3 more to come, 48 hours in between. This is a cyber-workshop.

Keep those critiques coming. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, the poets will do with the feedback.

butters: There will be a window of opportunity when posters can guess who the author is after which the poets will come out of the closet posting their poems with reactions to the feedback if they so choose.

 

[HarryHill]

2 maybe 3 more to come, 48 hours in between. This is a cyber-workshop.

Keep those critiques coming. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, the poets will do with the feedback.

butters: There will be a window of opportunity when posters can guess who the author is after which the poets will come out of the closet posting their poems with reactions to the feedback if they so choose.

..
gm, just got to say thanks for offering this challenge

 

[greenmountaineer]

..
gm, just got to say thanks for offering this challenge

Thanks, Harry.

I'll take this opportunity for a process comment before posting tomorrow's 5th poem. I received another submission, so we're halfway through. After each has received 48 hours of cyber-time for feedback, we'll have another day for the guessing game. Then I'll ask each poet to submit his or her work, revised or not, and be given the opportunity to respond (or not) about the feedback. After that, people can continue the conversation (or not) until the threat experiences death from natural causes.

 

[Angeline]

..
gm, just got to say thanks for offering this challenge

Yup yup...let me second that thanks gm. This is a great exercise. I have wondered though if these drafts have since (they were first written) been otherwise revised by the poets who submitted them. I thought you wanted early draft type stuff, but wasn't sure. I don't think it really matters though cause put a bunch of poets in the same place and different opinions will proliferate.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Yup yup...let me second that thanks gm. This is a great exercise. I have wondered though if these drafts have since (they were first written) been otherwise revised by the poets who submitted them. I thought you wanted early draft type stuff, but wasn't sure. I don't think it really matters though cause put a bunch of poets in the same place and different opinions will proliferate.

Right. Maybe I should have been more specific. It could be any poem that the poet wants feedback on. In that regard, if there's any poet who has something in his or file of draft poems that can be dusted off to present for feedback, go for it. It doesn't have to be the first draft of an original.

 

[legerdemer]

I'd like to add my own thanks, gm - your challenge has been very educational. And is anyone else biting their nails?

 

[HarryHill]

I'd like to add my own thanks, gm - your challenge has been very educational. And is anyone else biting their nails?

..
I do when the clippers hide

 

[ishtat]

summer storm

such viscosity
living liquid melts against the walls
of life
gravity pulls
it trickles a trail
down
and nestles wet and beautiful
on the palm of my hand

soft moans and whispers
entreat the beast in me
as she demands more
slide my whispering over skin raised to life,
swells, that rival an ocean squall
forked lightning rends the air
I feel the rain, eyes closed
breath held I dive in to taste
fresh water salted in life
lap from the valley's stream
savour it, before it is lost
in the storm

I have never felt so much heat, as that which beats
a drummers thump,
a heart beat
bumpbump, bumpbump

each flash of light
and touch of liquid
drives me toward the edge

I want to kneel naked in the sand
where the ocean meets the land
let the rain wash away
the last of the day
cleanse me
let me feel
take me into your depth
hold me there suspended in sensation
and take it all

I won't add to the previous comments much, save to second GMT's idea of dropping the first 8 lines.

I also think that the poet might consider playing with the word order a little. Perhaps take the verb away from its most usual position(not always) at the beginning of a line - for example 'such heat which ever beats I (was) never felt'

You might revert to the original but it can be a useful ploy to seek out the best rhythm.

You might also play the game of seeing what words you can eliminate without changing or damaging the poem. There are a few you might consider doing without - or not. Examples: 'in me,' 'dive to taste,' without the in, 'life salted from,' instead of, 'water salted in life/ lap from.'

I am sure the writer could do better than my particular suggestions but but may find the exercise worth while.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Poem 5 posted for feedback

Red Roses

Roses mean
remember

Do you remember Joyce?

We do

how she was peerless
deliriously precocious
ever in a state of reversed psychology
a child occupying an adult sized body
playing house with human dolls

to be taken seriously
become relevant in society
her desperation likewise grown
way out of proportion
in the daily ritual of constantly building up
what wrecking balls of self doubt demolished
nightly

and beyond reach of her
angry fists clenching tightly
the compelling evidence that always
was and remains within grasp:

spinning bicycle wheels
frozen water pipes
stones raining down from the sky

readers of thoughts formed
left behind by you and I
psychically raptured from inanimate objects
trapped in rapped doorknockers
captured in cameras Kirlian photograph style

reflections in eyes of more open minded children
who witness things that are there
but not there
not there

Supposedly
The truth is out there

and yet
as you can see

Apparently
the goddam truth is everywhere ...

... with the exception of here

Here only one thing is for certain -
answers are nowhere to be found
and only lies are to be had
in bad bad houses
miniature or otherwise grand
framed upon insecure foundations
haunted by their architects


Fearless
furiously ferocious
in tantrums tantamount to the religiously devout
insisting hers was the only true religion
willing to sacrifice any and everyone
just to prove it with an ill conceived
paranormal investigation
not fully thought out

We know what Joyce overlooked in her zealotry

Now you do as well

And should you disregard
what was said tonight
throwing our cautionary tales to the wind
by setting foot upon the grounds
where the old Rimbauer mansion once stood

remember
Rose is mean

 

[Piscator]

Poem 5 Red Roses - WOW- sparse elegant intense, I wouldn't touch it.

Not sure if I misses the significance of references to Joyce (James??) and Rimbaud as I am very much paddling in the shallow end of that pool.

 

[HarryHill]

Red Roses

Roses mean
remember

Do you remember Joyce?

We do

how she was peerless
deliriously precocious
ever in a state of reversed psychology
a child occupying an adult sized body
playing house with human dolls

to be taken seriously
become relevant in society
her desperation likewise grown
way out of proportion
in the daily ritual of constantly building up
what wrecking balls of self doubt demolished
nightly

and beyond reach of her
angry fists clenching tightly
the compelling evidence that always
was and remains within grasp:

spinning bicycle wheels
frozen water pipes
stones raining down from the sky

readers of thoughts formed
left behind by you and I
psychically raptured from inanimate objects
trapped in rapped doorknockers
captured in cameras Kirlian photograph style

reflections in eyes of more open minded children
who witness things that are there
but not there
not there

Supposedly
The truth is out there

and yet
as you can see

Apparently
the goddam truth is everywhere ...

... with the exception of here

Here only one thing is for certain -
answers are nowhere to be found
and only lies are to be had
in bad bad houses
miniature or otherwise grand
framed upon insecure foundations
haunted by their architects


Fearless
furiously ferocious
in tantrums tantamount to the religiously devout
insisting hers was the only true religion
willing to sacrifice any and everyone
just to prove it with an ill conceived
paranormal investigation
not fully thought out

We know what Joyce overlooked in her zealotry

Now you do as well

And should you disregard
what was said tonight
throwing our cautionary tales to the wind
by setting foot upon the grounds
where the old Rimbauer mansion once stood

remember
Rose is mean

..
This should generate pages of critique... even when/if you discover the subject of this write by the clues, you are left with some pretty bad poetry that looks like prose placed in stanza, jmo

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Red Roses: long, complicated, and interesting. It has some attractive musical features. I like how these two sections work in the architecture:

how she was peerless
deliriously precocious

Fearless
furiously ferocious

It's like a musical motif undergoing development. The beginning and end have a similar function, but I don't understand what is meant by it:

Roses mean
remember

remember
Rose is mean


I think that the poem lapses into prose here and there:

Supposedly
The truth is out there

and yet
as you can see

Apparently
the goddam truth is everywhere ...

... with the exception of here

I find the "X-Files" reference to be a little cloying.

I haven't a clue what is meant by the following, but it's intriguing:

psychically raptured from inanimate objects
trapped in rapped doorknockers
captured in cameras Kirlian photograph style

Maybe in the finished version, the meaning will become clearer.

 

[Magnetron]

Poem #5
Red Roses

in tantrums tantamount to the religiously devout
insisting hers was the only true religion

religiously would be better off replaced, seeing as how religion is used in the next line.

I have my doubts that the average reader unfamiliar with the story that inspired this will walk away satisfied. I already guessed what it is because I'm a TV junkie.

Sparse with poetitude. No offense to whoever wrote this, but it is a bit of a train wreck ..... oddly enough on a circular track taking us back to the beginning.

I think this whole section in the middle

Supposedly
The truth is out there

and yet
as you can see

Apparently
the goddam truth is everywhere ...

... with the exception of here

could be scrapped because it is essentially beating a dead horse in regards to there being an abundance of paranormal phenomena available to study.

Simply throw in a question mark to help bridge the gap.

reflections in eyes of more open minded children
who witness things that are there
but not there
not there

Here?

Only one thing is for certain -
answers are nowhere to be found
and only lies are to be had
in bad bad houses

 

[ishtat]

Un-enlightened, Unknown, Uninvolved. Totally 'Unned'

Red Roses. I'm like a frog in a bucket with this one, hopping about without even a hint of a clue - but I did know what a Kirlian photo is - and that's it .

Mebbe best left to others.

 

[legerdemer]

An ourobouros?

Red Roses - Ishtat captured much of what I feel about this one. Is there room for another frog in that bucket?

Seriously, I like much of the poem's imagery but have no idea what it is about except some vague paranormal something or other. I don't have a clue where it wants to go, and can't help get it there. It does seem to be this.

 

[Angeline]

Red Roses has some great wordplay, great instances of alliteration and assonance. I don't know what the poem is supposed to be about: I get the sense that the poet is throwing the reader into a maze of word salad for no particular reason. And there seems to be some anger underlying it all. It might have worked if it were shorter. I'm really not sure.

 

[butters]

Red Roses. I'm like a frog in a bucket with this one, hopping about without even a hint of a clue - but I did know what a Kirlian photo is - and that's it .

Mebbe best left to others.

Red Roses - Ishtat captured much of what I feel about this one. Is there room for another frog in that bucket?

Seriously, I like much of the poem's imagery but have no idea what it is about except some vague paranormal something or other. I don't have a clue where it wants to go, and can't help get it there. It does seem to be this.

Red Roses has some great wordplay, great instances of alliteration and assonance. I don't know what the poem is supposed to be about: I get the sense that the poet is throwing the reader into a maze of word salad for no particular reason. And there seems to be some anger underlying it all. It might have worked if it were shorter. I'm really not sure.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Diary_of_Ellen_Rimbauer:_My_Life_at_Rose_Red

Genesis of the novel

The novel's genesis came as part of a $200,000 promotional marketing campaign for Stephen King's Rose Red television miniseries.[1] Marketing of the film presented the movie as based on actual events.[1]

In 2000, two years before the Rose Red miniseries aired, the producers contracted with author Ridley Pearson to write a tie-in novel, to be titled The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer: My Life at Rose Red, under the pseudonym "Dr. Joyce Reardon" (one of the main characters of the miniseries).[2] The novel presented itself as nonfiction, and claimed to be the actual diary of Ellen Rimbauer (wife of the builder of Rose Red). The work was originally intended to be an architectural book featuring photos and drawings of the fictional Rose Red house with the supernatural elements subtly woven into the text and photos, but Pearson (building on several references to a diary in King's script for the miniseries) wrote it as Ellen Rimbauer's diary instead.[3] Inspired by the 1999 film The Blair Witch Project, King came up with the idea of presenting the novel as a real one by having "Dr. Joyce Reardon" edit the "diary."[3]

i've yet to post my own observations on this piece but the clues are in there
back later with my thoughts, a lot of which echo those already posted.

 

[Magnetron]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Diary_of_Ellen_Rimbauer:_My_Life_at_Rose_Red



i've yet to post my own observations on this piece but the clues are in there
back later with my thoughts, a lot of which echo those already posted.

I'll sum it up into 3 words:

clearless
seriously atrocious

 

[AlwaysHungry]

..
This should generate pages of critique...

Mission accomplished.

 

[HarryHill]

I'll sum it up into 3 words:

clearless
seriously atrocious

..
Oh, that's harsh! wtf is clearless

 

[Magnetron]

..
Oh, that's harsh! wtf is clearless

remember
Magnet Ron is mean

 

[HarryHill]

remember
Magnet Ron is mean

Ah hahahahaha, you are a rose

 

[Piscator]

Ah hahahahaha, you are a rose

would smell the same by any other name?

sigh as usual I'm clueless