Double Blind Challenge

[GuiltyPleasure]

I stand by my take on "spigot" - in such an organic poem it seems too mechanical and distracts from the biological angle of the poem. The word "curbs" as opposed to "stops" is important so it is hard to find a less ugly word that serves the same purpose.......interesting.

 

[todski28]

I waish I had more time!!!

Looking at the first strophe, the imagery and the thoughts of rape etc,

What if this woman felt rapes by her own body, betrayed and ashamed even fearful of that next step in life.

This first time the blood flows was not a physical rape by an outside source however an emotional and physical betrayal by her own body.

Its not like a period rings you up and says hey, Im coming over and Im going to be here for the next 30 years or so.

Damn this piece is intense and deservea more of my time at least

 

[AlwaysHungry]

penelope - the epitome of the faithful wife, despite her husband's lengthy absence.

I think that's the right allusion, from the Oddysey.

 

[Angeline]

Life's Blood

A vengeance loosed upon me when it came,
it bludgeoned childhood out of its way.
Stained innocence with promises
of pleasures so sensual and torrid, it held sway
over all else.

Pain radiates from my font of womanhood,
my contribution to the human race,
a reminder, month after month, year after year,
of promise unfulfilled, a waste of possibility.

Instead I served that demanding mistress of my
ego; I thought I chose it, but it perhaps, chose me.

Each drop wells, swells, trickles, escapes down my thighs.
Still it comes, Luna's reminiscences of life, of power,
of motherhood and love, of lust returned, of gifts received
though often turned away.

When men cringed, slunk away from the
Sticky, fluid, life-giving force, I laughed;
wanted to spit in their face, to SCREAM!

Month after month, the blood still comes.
When it stops, panic strikes! Is now the time?
Should I give in? Should I wait?
It's never right; more demands placed.
It curses at me, night and day, that bitch Career.

Until, one day, "ENOUGH!"
My inner female takes its turn to share its love;
a third heartbeat incubates in the womb,
a quiet rhythm, too tentative.
Too weak.

The beat gives up, the soul not whole or
Wholly ready for the world outside, denies
Existence and retreats, a mass of congealed
Blood and pain, it spills, the rug drenched,
a clot of nothing, yet.

Another year.
Another plea.

Another seed bloomed.
This one is hardy with desire to live,
To beat the odds of eternity against it,
battles demons, battles sleep, the world.
Absorbs everything.

And so it goes, the rhythm of life I share.
A badge, a gift I gave.

When finally the spigot curbs its flow,
And nearly dries, should I now laugh or cry?
Dare I mourn the loss or celebrate?

Womanliness, first given with no manual
(a Porsche? Portia? a Penelope?)
freedom to be a princess or a whore.
Who tells us what it means to have the choice
that's wrenched away before I'm ready to let go?

Well. This is a big poem and a brave poem: it's so easy for the subject to make readers squeamish. To its credit, that doesn't happen here. The poem has good movement considering that it covers so much ground--from first period through miscarriage and childbirth to menopause. The writing is solid with good images and metaphors, some subtle rhymes and wordplays. It even manages to be celebratory and then elegiac.

The poem has potential to be great but is still more in a draft stage imo. Someone once recommended I take a poem I'd written and take away ten words and read it again, take away another ten words and read it again, and so on until I couldn't lose any more words without compromising the poem. This poem could use that. For example:

S1 loosed upon me

S2 a reminder, month after month, year after year,
of promise unfulfilled, a waste of possibility.

S4 Each drop wells, swells, trickles, escapes down my thighs.

These are just a few examples of places where all the explanation and/or repetition is unnecessary. More succinct phrasings would tighten up the poem.

I wonder if this is too much to do in one poem. Probably not and the author mostly keeps the narrative moving at a good pace. If she pares it down by cutting back on the unnecessary words and makes the pace even faster, it would be better imo. You don't want a long poem to drag: it's too easy to lose the reader that way.

And finally I believe those last five lines could be much stronger. The car comparison doesn't quite come together for me, and in the question in those last two lines, the "Who" comes out of nowhere. It's a big idea introduced at the very end so it has nowhere to go. I feel the poem would be stronger if the focus stays with the woman.

The poem is a keeper, but one that can be even better with editing. If it were tighter and a little more focused I think it'd have a good shot at being published. Just my opinions.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Disclaimer: I'm a guy, but this cut and paste from the original resonates with me, although understandably it may need some tweaking:



Pain radiates from my (strike "font of") womanhood,
my contribution to the human race,
a reminder, month after month, year after year,
of promise unfulfilled, a waste of possibility.

Each drop wells, swells, trickles, escapes down my thighs.
Still it comes, Luna's reminiscences of life, of power,
of motherhood and love, of lust returned, of gifts received
though often turned away.

The beat gives up, the soul not whole or
Wholly ready for the world outside, denies
Existence and retreats, a mass of congealed
Blood and pain, it spills, the rug drenched,
a clot of nothing, yet.

Another seed bloomed.
This one is hardy with desire to live,
To beat the odds of eternity against it,
battles demons, battles sleep, the world.
Absorbs everything.

When finally the spigot curbs its flow,
And nearly dries, should I now laugh or cry?
Dare I mourn the loss or celebrate?

 

[greenmountaineer]

Challenge Update

There are 3 poems left in the hopper. Allowing the same time for feedback, the last poem will be posted Friday morning.

On Sunday I ask the poets who submitted work to post their poems, revised or not, directly on the thread, rather than send them to me.

At that point, it will be their turn to comment on the feedback, the revised poem, or both.

 

[Angeline]

I just hope people who've submitted poems don't take any of the critique as personal or a statement about their poetic ability, etc. I do know for sure (having been a managing editor in a big publishing house) that everyone, no matter what or how much they've published, feels like they're taking nasty medicine when they're edited. If you're an editor you know that it's never meant to be personal, but at the same time one needs to be clear about what they see in the writing. And at the end of the day, it's the author's writing and not the editor's. The author knows, ultimately, what's best for their writing.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

On Sunday I ask the poets who submitted work to post their poems, revised or not, directly on the thread, rather than send them to me.

At that point, it will be their turn to comment on the feedback, the revised poem, or both.

So the authors will out themselves in one week? When does the ID guessing transpire?

 

[Lyricalli]

So the authors will out themselves in one week? When does the ID guessing transpire?

Saturday?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I just hope people who've submitted poems don't take any of the critique as personal or a statement about their poetic ability, etc. I do know for sure (having been a managing editor in a big publishing house) that everyone, no matter what or how much they've published, feels like they're taking nasty medicine when they're edited. If you're an editor you know that it's never meant to be personal, but at the same time one needs to be clear about what they see in the writing. And at the end of the day, it's the author's writing and not the editor's. The author knows, ultimately, what's best for their writing.

I think this bears underlining. No one likes their baby criticized no matter how constructively but I do believe that the ideas and critique in this thread are well meaning and good natured, where as there are some sites that don't mince words and can cut to the quick.

 

[greenmountaineer]

There are 3 poems left in the hopper. Allowing the same time for feedback, the last poem will be posted Friday morning.

On Sunday I ask the poets who submitted work to post their poems, revised or not, directly on the thread, rather than send them to me.

At that point, it will be their turn to comment on the feedback, the revised poem, or both.

So the authors will out themselves in one week? When does the ID guessing transpire?

Saturday?

Sure. Saturday it is then. I just didn't want the unintended consequence a slew of posts guessing authorship pushing the current poem further back in the thread. I just checked with the last submitting poet who doesn't mind the abbreviated time for feedback.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Poem 6 posted for feedback

Frayed Reflection

My reflection doesn't show
what you say you see
try as I might to find it

Sometimes the fear rises
swells to overwhelming
that in time you'll see
the ugly truth
in all the flaws I strive to hide
dread spilling out and over
the thought of disappointment
in your eyes

If I show you my scars
make all my broken pieces known
will you still think I'm beautiful
and hold me close
or change your mind
and let me go?

 

[Magnetron]

Frayed Reflection

My reflection doesn't show
what you say you see
try as I might to find it

Sometimes the fear rises
swells to overwhelming
that in time you'll see
the ugly truth
in all the flaws I strive to hide
dread spilling out and over
the thought of disappointment
in your eyes

If I show you my scars
make all my broken pieces known
will you still think I'm beautiful
and hold me close
or change your mind
and let me go?

I think this needs an overhaul before I would even critique it. Give it poetry first. It has none as of yet.

Perhaps how the supposedly ugliness is hidden and hidden so well that even the narrator can't see it could be explained.

 

[Magnetron]

I just hope people who've submitted poems don't take any of the critique as personal or a statement about their poetic ability, etc. I do know for sure (having been a managing editor in a big publishing house) that everyone, no matter what or how much they've published, feels like they're taking nasty medicine when they're edited. If you're an editor you know that it's never meant to be personal, but at the same time one needs to be clear about what they see in the writing. And at the end of the day, it's the author's writing and not the editor's. The author knows, ultimately, what's best for their writing.

This is similar to what I tell editors. Don't take it personally, but it's not like anyone can improve my writing. I'm like a high end restaurant - everything I serve up passes mustard.





Or is it passes right through you .......

 

[Angeline]

This is similar to what I tell editors. Don't take it personally, but it's not like anyone can improve my writing. I'm like a high end restaurant - everything I serve up passes mustard.





Or is it passes right through you .......

I don't mean to sound like editors can improve anyone's writing. Not at all. Some people whose work I edited were way better writers than others and frankly I preferred dealing with the better written stuff. Where I worked it was not so much about improving writing (though we were expected to do that where necessary), but about making sure publications met the company's rules for style. We produced a lot of textbooks and technical publications, so for every paragraph we rewrote to make more sense there were hours of checking to make sure things like treatment of numbers, capitalization, tables and charts, or footnotes followed the exact style (Chicago Manual of Style, APA style, MLA style and on and on ad nauseam) for a publication's specs.

So hold the mustard and onions.

 

[ishtat]

Frayed Reflection

My reflection doesn't show
what you say you see
try as I might to find it

Sometimes the fear rises
swells to overwhelming
that in time you'll see
the ugly truth
in all the flaws I strive to hide
dread spilling out and over
the thought of disappointment
in your eyes

If I show you my scars
make all my broken pieces known
will you still think I'm beautiful
and hold me close
or change your mind
and let me go?

Magnetron is too harsh in his comment: Coupla' thoughts-

1 Change say to think in line 2 possibly.

2 Third line seems a bit disconnected from the first two, but I'm unsure what to suggest. Nah second thoughts, I'm wrong - leave it.

3 Scrub lines 4 through 11 altogether; what is left still makes sense and may be sufficient in themselves - and be sufficiently poetic for Magnetron.

I am not suggesting that you exclude your objective expressed in these lines but it is very direct 'telling', almost prose. The lines 4 and 5 cause particular difficulty; if you don't like the idea of dropping all of 4 through 11, consider deleting lines 4 and 5 and the word 'that' beginning line 6. I suggest that the main objective should be to stick to reflection/appearance as the focal point - not her stated 'fear.' Her fear is evident without saying it. Fix the mid section and I reckon it would work as a poem about anxiety/self doubt.

Although I think it needs a bit of work, the underlying idea is compelling and despite the problems this possibly has more potential than some of the other offerings.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

3 Scrub lines 4 through 11 altogether; what is left still makes sense and may be sufficient in themselves - and be sufficiently poetic for Magnetron.

I am not suggesting that you exclude your objective expressed in these lines but it is very direct 'telling', almost prose.

I agree with this, with the exception of "Swells to overwhelming," which appeals to my aural fixation. Perhaps you could keep that and work it in elsewhere.

 

[Angeline]

Frayed Reflection

Well here we go Ishtat. I like lines 4-11 because, to me, they are the most specific part of the poem. The problem I find with this poem is that although it has a great premise ("love me as I am"), it speaks mainly in generalities. Actually even lines 4-11 could be improved imo by being made more specific. What "ugly truth" is the narrator hiding behind mere flaws? And in that last section, what are the scars and broken pieces that the narrator fears may cause his or her lover to reject them? Not a list, but a specific example or two that would make the situation (and therefore the poem) more real for the reader. We all have ugly truths but if I share that my ugly truth was whatever it was, my poem will pack a lot more punch.

This is not to say it's a bad poem. It's not. But it could be a better poem, imo, if it got more brutally honest about the narrator's fears.

 

[HarryHill]

I don't mean to sound like editors can improve anyone's writing. Not at all. Some people whose work I edited were way better writers than others and frankly I preferred dealing with the better written stuff. Where I worked it was not so much about improving writing (though we were expected to do that where necessary), but about making sure publications met the company's rules for style. We produced a lot of textbooks and technical publications, so for every paragraph we rewrote to make more sense there were hours of checking to make sure things like treatment of numbers, capitalization, tables and charts, or footnotes followed the exact style (Chicago Manual of Style, APA style, MLA style and on and on ad nauseam) for a publication's specs.

So hold the mustard and onions.

I bought that book new, issue XVI

 

[Angeline]

I bought that book new, issue XVI

Chicago Manual of Style? I think it's the best (clearest) one, but not every place prefers it. My copy has my handwritten notes, a few fudgy thumbprints and a whole lotta tear stains (from utter frustration!).

 

[Magnetron]

Maybe I used a poor choice of words?

What I was trying to say is that it would benefit from adding something else ( like the example idea I offered ) that better ties the beginning and ending together. That's what I mean by giving it more poetry.

Expand on what is already written first and then worry about critique second.

Magnetron is too harsh in his comment: Coupla' thoughts-

1 Change say to think in line 2 possibly.

2 Third line seems a bit disconnected from the first two, but I'm unsure what to suggest. Nah second thoughts, I'm wrong - leave it.

3 Scrub lines 4 through 11 altogether; what is left still makes sense and may be sufficient in themselves - and be sufficiently poetic for Magnetron.

Gutting it that severely wouldn't satisfy me at all, because I would still insist upon what I already suggested.

 

[Magnetron]

This is not to say it's a bad poem. It's not. But it could be a better poem, imo, if it got more brutally honest about the narrator's fears.

What if the narrator was never to discover the truth in the mirror or through introspection, because it turns out that the scars and broken pieces are what the other person regards as beautiful?

Perhaps how the supposedly ugliness is hidden and hidden so well that even the narrator can't see it could be explained.

 

[legerdemer]

Frayed Reflection

My reflection doesn't show
what you say you see
try as I might to find it

Sometimes the fear rises
swells to overwhelming
that in time you'll see
the ugly truth
in all the flaws I strive to hide
dread spilling out and over
the thought of disappointment
in your eyes

If I show you my scars
make all my broken pieces known
will you still think I'm beautiful
and hold me close
or change your mind
and let me go?

Sorry, folks - traveling makes it harder to participate... playing catch up. Or is it ketsup? One or the other. We'll see after I finish this post.

I start by recalling gm's challenge - that we should send him something at a draft stage, or a piece in progress. I think every poem so far has fit that, so none of us should feel bad about the poems eliciting criticism. And, after all, we all have a critic inside us, just dyin' to get out...

Here go my suggestions on #6.

S1: I would change the first stanza to:

My reflection doesn't show
what you see
try as I might to find it

S2 suggestions:

Sometimes the fear
swells to overwhelming
that you'll see the ugly truth
all the flaws I strive to hide
dread at the thought
of disappointment
in your eyes

I agree with Angeline that a specific example or two would help, but the other way to interpret these lines is that the narrator perceives anything and everything as a flaw she is ashamed of (my apologies if I presume too much, but this does have the feel of a woman's pen). I doubt that any man would have penned these sentiments outright. I may be wrong.

S3:

If I show you my scars,
my broken pieces...

... and here I've run out of ideas. It does need some work, and feel it can go either way - either the "less is more" route, or the longer, more explicit ballad approach. That's a decision the author will have to make. It is at a somewhat awkward stage right now, like a gangly teenager. Good luck with it. I don't know that I've done any good whatsoever...

 

[Angeline]

What if the narrator was never to discover the truth in the mirror or through introspection, because it turns out that the scars and broken pieces are what the other person regards as beautiful?

That would work, too, especially if it were shown by way of something specific.

 

[ishtat]

We produced a lot of textbooks and technical publications, so for every paragraph we rewrote to make more sense there were hours of checking to make sure things like treatment of numbers, capitalization, tables and charts, or footnotes followed the exact style (Chicago Manual of Style, APA style, MLA style and on and on ad nauseam) for a publication's specs.

So hold the mustard and onions.

My most substantial publication ever was a mathematics text produced many years ago when I still had pretensions of being an academic. I was astonished and more than a bit humbled by the diligence of the editors, making sure they got everything dead right - even though I am pretty certain they frequently had no understanding of the content. And the pay these technical editors got was pitiful.