Double Blind Challenge

[Piscator]

Strong poem, I agree with the comma comments, and I too found the last three line disjointed from the rest of the poem.

Also I found

......................................... gnarly
rings there are still oozing spunk

distracting as it is wounds and abscised limbs that would leak sap (spunk) not the rings.

What is it about old trees tha gets to us, especially as we get older? I have a small project in which I'm taking a seasonal series of pictures of a venerable open form maple at the edge of younger successional forest. A lower limb has torn away and lies next to the tree. While not an obelisk, it does have a sense of noble endurance.

 

[Magnetron]

Huh? "I want to wondering"?

Strike and. Change wonder to wondering. Put a comma after obelisk.

 

[Magnetron]

Others seem to stumble over that last stanza. I can't speak for the author, but here's my take:

1. the tree is a man
2. the tree is a sexually aroused man
3. the tree/man is making me hot,
4. so hot that the whole earth and sky seem sexy

Seems pretty straightforward to me.

menage in S4 suggests a sexual encounter.

Reads to me like aspects of the atmosphere intercoursed and sweated all over everything in the immediate area that may or may not include the tree.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

......................................... gnarly
rings there are still oozing spunk

distracting as it is wounds and abscised limbs that would leak sap (spunk) not the rings.

A newly felled tree oozes sap for a few days.....but "spunk" - in my world - is slang for semen. If, as AH thinks, the tree is a euphemism for an aroused man perhaps it should be a bit clearer.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Totemic

Once muscular, the stark
naked gray-bark elm,
is a balding man

and yet more than a stump,
and its thick trunk proudly points up
headstrong, so to speak.

I want to say it's an obelisk
and wonder how many gnarly
rings there are still oozing spunk

as the morning's wet sheen drips
after last night's ether and aura
ménage in swarthy pungent sky.

OF COURSE!!! This is a PENIS. It suddenly hit me. DOH!!!

I hereby withdraw my previous comments.

 

[Piscator]

OF COURSE!!! This is a PENIS. It suddenly hit me. DOH!!!

I hereby withdraw my previous comments.

Damn so much for my tree fetish

 

[ishtat]

T So it's been a nice small group of 11 discussing the 9 entries. The idea was to create a "cyber" poetry workshop. I can't speak for others, of course, but I often found the feedback as interesting and thought-provoking as the poems. In that regard I hope the conversation continues, and the thread finds its own conclusion.

This thread has just hit 3000 views in little more than two weeks since the first poem posted, which indicates a very wide and interested readership. Kudos to GM, he obviously struck a chord with readers. During that time we have twice had more people on this forum than in the AH to my observation.

Ok I'm anal about numbers and am just about to get on a plane from a weird time zone (Kiribati) so the wifi might be too dodgy to post from here. But again, all praise to the mountain man for coming up with this attention grabber.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

My guesses

Summer Storm -- I know everyone is thinking "Todski." In a way, it almost seems too Todskiesque, like someone set out to write in Todski mode. But that could be just me being a conspiracy theorist.

Red Roses -- I suspect Harry. I will confess that I don't really have a good enough sense yet of Harry's style, and my guess is based on the amusing back and forth in the criticism section, watching Mags torment Harry:

On the contrary, I think it would benefit if it was longer with additional information shoehorned in.

The author should make it much more magnificent and huge-ish.

I used to live in Wisconsin, and Wisconsin breeds good jokers. Mags is one, and another is the inimitable Greg Koch. But I digress.

Life's Blood -- I am certain that this is Mer. Of course, I have worn egg on my face before from over-confident guessing, but I would put all my chips on this being Mer. A bold poem. I am looking forward to seeing the final version.

Frayed Reflection -- I'm thinking Sinseria. A wild guess.

Totemic -- My best guess would be GuiltyPleasure. Of course, she weighed in conspicuously in the criticism section, but that could be a ruse to throw the ID guessers off the scent. Kudos to whoever actually did write this one.

 

[Magnetron]

How many lone gunmen does it take to replace a light bulb at the Book Depository?

Four.

Three to take aim at JFK from the grassy knoll.

And one to turn himself in only to get screwed over.

 

[legerdemer]

Ahab. Magnetron
Summer Storm. Probably Todski but it could also be AMoveableBeast, though the latter didn't do any commenting at all, so it's probably Tods.
The Curator. AlwaysHungry, I'm pretty sure, despite the 'flat'
Sonograms. Piscator
Red Roses. Harry
Life's Blood. No bloody clue - who'd be so gross in such a refined public forum?
Frayed Reflection. Sinseria
Stories To Tell. Butters (The spelling of 'favour' suggests a Brit) or possibly GP
Totemic. Harry

But...no gm? Puzzled!

 

[Magnetron]

Ahab Piscator

Summer Storm Brodski

The Curator butters

Sonograms ishtat

Red Roses Harry

Life's Blood Angeline

Frayed Reflection Sinseria

Stories To Tell Legerdemer

Totemic butters

 

[HarryHill]

OF COURSE!!! This is a PENIS. It suddenly hit me. DOH!!!

I hereby withdraw my previous comments.

..
took you long enough

ETA: ATTENTION, Harry has no poem in this challenge

 

[Magnetron]

OF COURSE!!! This is a PENIS. It suddenly hit me. DOH!!!

I hereby withdraw my previous comments.

I would withdraw my comments too if I was suddenly hit with a penis.

 

[Magnetron]

ETA: ATTENTION, Harry has no poem in this challenge

You lie like a shag rug.

 

[HarryHill]

You lie like a shag rug.

Occasionally, but I still have no poem in this challenge

 

[Trixareforkids]

Occasionally, but I still have no poem in this challenge

Damn! I really thought Totemic was yours. I suck at critiques and at guessing

 

[todski28]

You all knew it was me

summer storm

soft moans like distant thunder
entreat me
she demands more
as I slide my whispering
over skin raised to life

swells raised rival an ocean squall
forked lightning rends the air
I feel the rain
eyes closed
breath held

I dive in to taste
fresh water salted in life
lap from the valley's stream
savour it

I have never felt such heat
as that which beats
turbulent waves against the shore
each flash of light
and touch of liquid
drives me toward the edge

I want to kneel naked in the sand
where the ocean meets the land
let the rain wash away
the last of the day
cleanse me

take me into your depths
hold me there

suspended in sensation
and take it all

 

[todski28]

I tried to take on as much offered critique as possible

But couldn't lose the rhyme scheme ala magnetron's suggestions because the peak of sex is usually a rapid set of thrusts in the same rhythm before climax, so the attempt with the rhyming line is to subtly reinforce that, the poem is about sex and that is the climax.

Thank you for all those that put in time to critique this write and I hope what has come of it (no pun intended) is a far more succinct and better piece.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I would withdraw my comments too if I was suddenly hit with a penis.

I LOLed.

 

[todski28]

Stories to tell strikes me as guiltypleasures, check her 007 run and see what you think of the narration and details

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

my take on the authors

Ahab – magnetron
Summer storm – todski
The curator – AH
Sonograms – no clue
Red roses – butters or trix
Life’s blood – legendemer - methinks thou dost protest too much.
Frayed reflections – lyrically - - inside joke.
Stories to tell – already outed as mine
Totemic – butters.

 

[butters]

not yet commented on the last few poems, but i cannot take credit for any of these beauties: pm'd gm from the off that i'd comment where i could but wasn't subbing any for the challenge

 

[Trixareforkids]

Ahab – magnetron
Summer storm – todski
The curator – AH
Sonograms – no clue
Red roses – butters or trix
Life’s blood – legendemer - methinks thou dost protest too much.
Frayed reflections – lyrically - - inside joke.
Stories to tell – already outed as mine
Totemic – butters.

T'weren't me, seemed bad form to offer up something when I have so little to contribute

If Totemic is neither butters nor Harry, I have to guess GM having some fun.

 

[Magnetron]

At this rate I'll be 1 for 9.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Appeared to have jumped the gun......